In the Land of Women

Carter Webb:
Hey Grandma, not okay to answer the door when you're not wearing clothes.

Carter Webb:
I pride myself on being this great listener, but whenever I meet somebody new I find I'm doing all the talking.

Sarah Hardwicke:
Maybe you're not really such a great listener.

Carter Webb:
Hmm?

Sarah Hardwicke:
Maybe you're not such a great listener.

Carter Webb:
No that's not it, I'm a great listener.

Carter Webb:
I am mysterious.

Paige Hardwicke:
Oh, let's see the new Colin Farrell movie!

Carter Webb:
Oh, let's not!

Phyllis:
Carter, I'm 133 years old.

Carter Webb:
Grandma, that's not possible.

Phyllis:
Hm?

Carter Webb:
I didn't say anything.

Gabe Foley:
You think you can step into my 'hood, slinging game at my girl, drinkin' my boy's brew, and expect not to be scrappin' directly?

Carter Webb:
What?

Gabe Foley:
Are you deaf and stupid? I said...

Carter Webb:
- Don't repeat all that. Please. I think the answer to your question depends on whether you have, like, a learning disability, or you're just an average moron.

Carter Webb:
[after Gabe punches Carter] OK, above-average moron.

Sarah Hardwicke:
Listen, Carter I need to tell you something.

Carter Webb:
Good because I need to tell you something too.

Sarah Hardwicke:
You first.

Carter Webb:
I think your husband must be out of his mind... now what was it you had to say?

Sarah Hardwicke:
Oh, it was nothing important.

Paige Hardwicke:
Carter?

Carter Webb:
[turns around] Hmm?

Paige Hardwicke:
[sleepily] Will you marry me?

Carter Webb:
Yes.

Lucy Hardwicke:
You know that was really hard for me to say? I mean what are you trying to do scare me? Well congratulations!

Carter Webb:
I'm trying to wake you up! There's a big f***ing world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, it's never ever the thing you'd expect. It's ok to be scared but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an a**hole, not when it comes to the people that really love you, the people that need you.

Lucy Hardwicke:
So I guess we're done right?

Carter Webb:
Yeah, we're done.

Carter Webb:
There's a big f***ing world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an a**hole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Sarah Hardwicke:
Listen, I don't know what happens next. I'm just going to keep loving you and I'm going to keep hoping you let me into your life. I will make mistakes, of course, but I'll always be there for you.

Carter Webb:
I've been trying to write this letter for a while now, the kind you said you'd never received. The kind I've been working on my whole life. I remember being 13 years old, sitting in my room all night, listening to the same song over and over. I thought that if I could write something beautiful, something honest, I could make someone love me. I've taken a lot for granted. I've never tried too hard; always avoided responsibility. I came here because I was running away, 'cause I wanted to be alone. Instead I met you and you weren't taking anything for granted. I hope you get all the moments you deserve. I hope you go back to NY and sit in the met in the room with the painting of the Hudson river, and I hope when you do, you take Lucy with you cause I know she'd love it. I'm sorry if I've made your life complicated. I'm sorry for a lot of things, but most of all that I never got the chance to tell you that, no matter what happens next, I'll never be anything but grateful for every moment I spent with you. And even though I keep fumbling for the right words, all I really wanted to say was thank you.

Carter Webb:
I'm on the plane out here, and I open my computer and I start reading these emails that I sent her, like 30 or more maybe, over the course of our relationship. And not just short messages, I'm talking about long, involved love letters. Like, desperately trying to be?romantic and poetic, whatever and embarassing as it is, it's also like, kind of the best stuff I've ever written. Because it's got this naive idealism thing going on where ours is going to be one of the greatest love stories ever told, and I'm writing it. So I'm sitting there and I'm reading these emails and there's some turbulance, and I start to have this massive panic attack, like nothing I've ever had, and I think it's happening because I can never imagine feeling that way about anybody else, ever again.

Carter Webb:
Sophia dumped me

Agnes Webb:
Are You kidding me? When?

Carter Webb:
About an hour and a half ago, I've been in traffic

Carter Webb:
What is it?

Phyllis:
It's possible, I think maybe, my toilet might be stopped up

Carter Webb:
Maybe? What's the variable?

Phyllis:
Water is running over the top. The carpet is all wet!

Carter Webb:
Well I'll take a look, first I just gotta stop off at my room and kill myself!

Carter Webb:
Grandma, listen to me. It's not okay to answer the door when you're not wearing pants. In fact, it's never okay to do anything involving other people when you're not wearing any clothes.