Just One of the Guys

Buddy:
Hey, no problem. Just a couple of clean American kids experimenting with sex.

Rick:
Are those what I think they are?

Terry:
I'm sorry...

Rick:
Where do you get off having tits?

Denise:
You were in the boy's locker room?

Terry:
Yes!

Denise:
Can I be your younger brother?

Rick:
It's OK everybody, it's alright. He has tits.

Terry:
Budster, there's a half-naked woman in your bedroom feeding pizza to some fish and she's all yours.

Buddy:
Sounds too kinky for me.

Terry:
Buddy, she needs you; I need you; you need her.

Buddy:
Is she really half-naked?

Terry:
Maybe more by now.

Buddy:
What if you're lying?

Terry:
What if I'm not?

Buddy:
Good point - if I'm not back in a week, forward my mail.

Terry:
You know, sometimes I just wish I was a guy.

Buddy:
No you don't! The male body needs sex at all times! It's a living hell!

Terry:
Look, maybe my balls don't itch.

Buddy:
All balls itch! It's a fact!

Terry:
Aren't you embarrassed?

Buddy:
Nope. I'm horny. Horny will kick embarrassment's ass anytime.

Terry:
I'm just so confused.

Buddy:
Of course you're confused. You're wearing my underwear.

Terry:
How do I look?

Buddy:
Dashing.

Terry:
My zipper's open.

Buddy:
That was the dashing part.

Buddy:
Don't get me wrong. It's not like I've never had sex before. I've had lots of sex. It's just that now I'd like to try it with a partner.

Terry:
Can't you think of anything more profound than getting laid?

Buddy:
A blowj*b.

Terry:
It's just that you look so nice today!

Terry:
Listen, sex is not that big a deal.

Buddy:
I'd like to form my own opinion.

Buddy:
She ran away to a religious cult that she read about in Reader's Digest. Wanna split her records?

You probably came here with a date

Kevin - You probably came here with a date

Terry:
I am going to be a reporter.

Mr. Raymaker:
That's good. I like that attitude. But don't you think that it would be nice to have something to fall back on?

Terry:
Like what?

Mr. Raymaker:
Uh, well, you're a pretty girl, you could be a model.

Terry:
Be a model? Why? Because a pretty girl couldn't possibly have a brain?

[Buddy teaches Terry how to act like a guy]

Buddy:
Very crucial. Something every guy does. Let me see you scratch your balls.

[Terry rolls her eyes at Buddy]

Budy:
Hey, come on, try it.

[Terry scratches her jeans]

Buddy:
Wait a minute. Watch the master. Now first, there's your basic shift. [Buddy shifts his body with his balls] But that's not always enough. Sometimes you've got to get inside, dig a little, let some air in, move things around.

Terry:
Yeah, well, maybe my balls don't itch.

Buddy:
All balls itch. It's a fact!

Buddy:
I'm 15 years old. In two years, I reach the peak of my sexual powers. The clock is ticking. I have to get jamming.

Terry:
Can't you hear what you're saying? Aren't you a little embarrassed?

Buddy:
Nope. I'm horny. Horny will kick embarrassment's ass every time.

Terry:
Budster, listen to me. Don't you want your first time to be with someone you love?

Buddy:
I guarantee it, I'll be in love.

Terry:
Come on, Buddy, admit it. You would love to spend your entire life just using women's bodies.

Buddy:
Yeah, all but the last 60 seconds. I'd like a little time to reminisce.

[Rick and Terry talk in the boys' bathroom as Rick takes a leak unexpectedly]

Terry:
What are you doing?

Rick:
What's it look like I'm doing?

Terry:
Well, do you have to do that in here?

Rick:
Seemed like the right time, certainly the right place.

Terry:
Budmeister, are you okay?

Buddy:
No, Terry, I'm not. Mom and Dad come home Monday. I've had two weeks of total freedom. The closest that I've come to sex was a girl who took her top off to seduce my sister. What's wrong with me?

[Rick gets on the table in the high school cafeteria to make an announcement]

Rick:
Um, excuse me. Could I have your attention please? Your attention? Every day at lunch, we get a very special treat from a very special guy. A guy who has dedicated his life to building his body, pushing his muscles to the very limits of human endurance. Why, you ask? Why? Well, to be strong enough to lift tables and spill food, Greg Tolan!

[everyone starts cheering and clapping with Rick]

Rick:
Whoa, wait. Let's take a moment to find out a little bit about the man behind the mess. Greg! May I call you Greg? Now, tell us, Greg, how did you get into spilling food, huh? Were you a messy baby? Did you hate your strained peas? Well, you know, how most psychologists tell us that guys, well, they get into body building to compensate for either a lack of IQ, or a small weenie. Which is it, Greg? Well, those of us in Greg's gym class certainly know the answer to that one.

Greg:
I'm going to beat the sh*t out of you, Morehouse!

Deborah:
Greg, please!

Rick:
Hey, isn't he great? Muscles and a sense of humor. Well, let's thank Greg for the many lunchtime thrills and spills he's given us. All right everybody, up! Come on, everybody up! Grab an end of your table! [the kids in the cafeteria go to an end of their table] A tribute to you, Greg. Lift! [everybody in the cafeteria lifts their table, spilling food, including spilling their food on Greg's feet] We love you, Greg!

Terry:
I bet you're a little confused.

Rick:
I think I understand.

Terry:
I know I should've told you sooner, but, uh... I didn't. Um... I'm a...

Rick:
[cuts her off] Terry, I know. You're gay.

Terry:
I'm not gay.

Rick:
Wait a minute. Now I'm confused.

Terry:
I'm a girl. I'm a woman.

Rick:
[chuckles] Right, and I'm Cyndi Lauper.

[Terry opens her tuxedo shirt and reveals her breasts to Rick]

Rick:
Wait a minute, are those what I think they are?

Terry:
I'm sorry.

Rick:
Where do you get off having tits?

Terry:
There was this contest, and I needed prove it, but then I stayed and I met you. And you're so wonderful that...

Rick:
Sh*t... I can't believe this.

Terry:
Rick, I know you're mad, but I think you're terrific, and your friendship means so much to me that I just...

Rick:
Then this whole thing was bullshit. Major bullshit.

...

[Terry kisses Rick in front of everybody at the prom]

Rick:
[pushes Terry off him] It's okay, everybody. It's all right. He has tits.

Mr. Raymaker:
[after reading her article] I'm sorry I misjudged you.

Terry:
You don't have to apologize. I wouldn't have this job if it weren't for you. I mean, you forced me to fight for what I wanted, and I will never forget you for that.

Mr. Raymaker:
[smiles] Thank you.

Buddy Griffith:
[on the phone] Hello? Hey, yo, scumbag! Hey, suck your own. Eat me. Hey, same to you, buttface! [Terry stares] Mom says 'hi.'

no i wanna buy him an ice cream

time to feed snowball his lunch.....oh snowball hes cute......oh no this is snowball thats lunch