Lake Placid

Mrs. Bickerman:
I'm rooting for the crocodile. I hope he swallows your friends whole.

Hector:
Is this the man that was killed?

Sheriff Hank Keough:
He seemed... taller.

Sheriff Hank Keough:
Ma'am, your husband Bernie, you didn't by any chance lead him to the lake blindfolded?

Mrs. Bickerman:
If I had a dick, this is where I'd tell you to suck it!

Hector Cyr:
I'm a civilian, not a trout - you have no authority over me whatsoever.

Kelly Scott:
The lake is so black and still.

Sheriff Hank Keough:
Yeah, we wanted to call it Lake Placid, but we heard that name was already taken.

Jack Wells:
It's not a science trip.

Kelly Scott:
Could you be a little more condescending? 'Cause I'm not real great with subtlety.

Jack Wells:
Something in that lake killed somebody, all right? I appreciate your trying to help. I'm really glad that you... brought the RAID.

Kelly Scott:
There, that's better.

Jack Wells:
Ma'am...

Kelly Scott:
Look, if you call me "ma'am" one more time I'll sue you for sexual harrassment, and with today's laws, it's possible.

Sheriff Hank Keough:
She's good.

Kelly Scott:
You got to fire your big gun. Did it meet your expectations?

Sheriff Hank Keough:
Overrated.

Kelly Scott:
I don't do field and even if I did... Maine? I'm allergic to timber!

Sheriff Hank Keough:
I... I... I never heard of a crocodile crossing an ocean.

Hector Cyr:
Well, they conceal information like that in books.

Sheriff Hank Keough:
Tents were sent ahead. Should already be set up by the time we get there.

Kelly Scott:
Tents? We're staying in TENTS?

Sheriff Hank Keough:
I told you, two days we'd have to camp.

Kelly Scott:
Yes! Camp! But I thought that meant Ramada Inn. I never heard tents! Will there be toilets?

Jack Wells:
Maybe we should just take you back.

Kelly Scott:
Why? Because I prefer toilets?

Kelly Scott:
Maybe I should just wipe myself with some leafy little piece of poison oak. And then I can spend the whole day scratchin' my ass, blendin' in with the natives.

Kelly Scott:
Uh, there's something I wanted to ask you. What's it like to be a woman in the woods of Maine? I mean, the guys don't turn all horny or anything like they did in Deliverance, right?

Kelly Scott:
Ahh... I knew you were there.

Jack Wells:
Hmm. Never been to Maine before, huh?

Kelly Scott:
Oh, I have good hygiene, I'm not welcome.

Sheriff Hank Keough:
Who are you?

Hector Cyr:
Hector Cyr, I said it once, lemme know when it sinks in, OK?

Sheriff Hank Keough:
Crocodiles can't swim in salt water.

Hector Cyr:
Yeah, well, that'll be your little secret.

Sheriff Hank Keough:
You accepted money from him?

Hector Cyr:
Law enforcement is very dangerous work isn't it?

Hector Cyr:
And you have such big, wonderful b*obs.

Deputy Sharon Gare:
Ha! Thank you!

Sheriff Hank Keough:
I brought a pork chop for luck. Maybe you could hang it around your neck.

Hector Cyr:
That's sweet. Maybe later you can chew the bark off my big fat log.

Mrs. Bickerman:
Oh, my husband passed away. It's been almost two years now.

Sheriff Hank Keough:
My department doesn't have any record of that, Mrs. Bickerman.

Mrs. Bickerman:
Well, I'm sorry. Incomplete records haunt me so.

Jack Wells:
What was the cause of your husband's death, ma'am? Do you know?

Kelly Scott:
We don't mean to invade your privacy, but was he ill, was he sick?

Sheriff Hank Keough:
Was he swallowed?

Sheriff Hank Keough:
The tooth is in here.

Kelly Scott:
Well that's... that's the morgue.

Sheriff Hank Keough:
Yes.

Kelly Scott:
Well, uh... is the dead guy in there?

Sheriff Hank Keough:
That's where they keep 'em. Look, you want me to bring the tooth out here?

Kelly Scott:
No. No, let's... after you.

Hector Cyr:
I am a brown belt! Go ahead! Take your best shot! Take your best

Sheriff Hank Keough:
He said he knew karate.

Jack Wells:
You hit him.

Sheriff Hank Keough:
I did, yeah.

Hector Cyr:
Did he say "go"? Aren't you supposed to say "go" in karate? You're supposed to say "go"!

Sheriff Hank Keough:
Look. He's suffering. I get to be humane.

Hector Cyr:
No! No. No, no, no look, he's trapped. We've done it. So what it's not a net but, but, but he's trapped. Mission accomplished.

Jack Wells:
Shoot him!

Hector Cyr:
I've got more drugs. He's half dead.

Jack Wells:
He's half alive! Shoot him!

Mrs. Bickerman:
Murders and rapes in the city, people bomb planes, can the police stop 'em? No! But feed one little cow to a crocodile...

Sheriff Hank Keough:
You're gonna stay right here until the police show. You're under full house arrest.

Mrs. Bickerman:
Thank you, officer f***-meat!

Sheriff Hank Keough:
We, uh, trapped him with our chopper.

Hector Cyr:
He bit me! He bit me! There's two! There's two!

Sheriff Hank Keough:
I can count.

Sheriff Hank Keough:
Back to one.

Hector Cyr:
What'd Bickerman say?

Jack Wells:
Well, she didn't want to tell us about the second croc 'cause she was afraid we'd blow its head off.

Sheriff Hank Keough:
Women's intuition.

Hector:
Sometimes when friends of the family say things, they tend not to sink in. So maybe it would help to hear it from a complete stranger. YOU'RE FAT.

Kelly Scott:
His scales were oval. He's an Asian Crocodile.

Sheriff Hank Keough:
Why... why would he come here? I mean, it's impossible. Asia. How would he get here?

Hector Cyr:
Obviously some a**hole in Hong Kong flushed him down the toilet.

Mrs. Bickerman:
I'll sue you!

Jack Wells:
Go ahead.

Mrs. Bickerman:
You can't take a cow by eminent domain!

Sheriff Hank Keough:
We just did.

Jack Wells:
We won't let her get hurt, Ma'am.

Mrs. Bickerman:
You're all cocksuckers! I knew it first, I just didn't want to say it!

Kelly Scott:
What kind of backup do we have?

Sheriff Hank Keough:
We?

Kelly Scott:
What?

Sheriff Hank Keough:
Well, I'm a little unclear as to why the museum would send somebody here.

Kelly Scott:
You got a thing against museums?

Sheriff Hank Keough:
Naw, I got nothin' against museums.

Kelly Scott:
Ever been in one?

Sheriff Hank Keough:
Quit hitting me!

Kelly Scott:
Stop throwing heads at me!

Sheriff Hank Keough:
We're saved! The museum in New York just sent us some additional backup.

Kelly Scott:
Kelly Scott.

Jack Wells:
Jack Wells.

Kelly Scott:
Hi.

Jack Wells:
Eh, some museum sent ya', huh?

Kelly Scott:
What, are we all museum bigots in Maine?

Sheriff Hank Keough:
She's rude sarcastic. You two should get along.

Jack Wells:
Do you know how your husband died?

Mrs. Bickerman:
Oh yes! I killed him.

Jack Wells:
You killed him?

Mrs. Bickerman:
Oh yes!

Kelly Scott:
I will NOT calm down! This is the second time I've been hit with a severed head and I DON'T LIKE IT!

Hector Cyr:
Let's not overlook the fact that he didn't eat me.

Jack Wells:
'Cause he just ate a cow, stupid!

Kelly Scott:
We're doing the right thing.

Jack Wells:
You wouldn't think so if you are eaten.

Hector Cyr:
Did she tell you we had sex? So vigorous!

Kelly Scott:
I *never* had sex with you!

Hector Cyr:
Damn, I'm so terrible, they never remember.

Hector Cyr:
You're supposed to say 'go' in karate. You face each other, you bow, and you say go!

Sheriff Hank Keough:
Yeah, as in go f*** yourself!

Mrs. Bickerman:
Is it illegal to wish the chewing of law enforcement?

Kelly Scott:
You hurt his feelings.

Jack Wells:
I don't care.

Jack Wells:
Do you care?

Sheriff Hank Keough:
No, he's an a**hole.

Sheriff Hank Keough:
Oh God, we forgot to pack feminine napkins!