M*A*S*H

Members of the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital care for the injured during the Korean War and use humor to escape from the horror and depression of the situation. Among the 4077's people are Capts. Benjamin "Hawkeye" Pierce and "Trapper John" McIntire, Majs. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan and Frank Burns, and Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly.

  Won 8 Golden Globes. Another 54 wins & 153 nominations.
 
IMDB:
8.4
TV-PG
Year:
1972
25
35,249 Views

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
[Enters tent] Charles, I have something incredible to tell you.

Major Charles Winchester:
[Stands] Here you are, Pierce. Let me make this easy for you. Here you go. [Drops trousers]

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
No, I don't want your pants. I come in peace.

Major Charles Winchester:
Oh, no need to pull my leg, Pierce. Here you go, now you say 'Got you Charles, ha ha ha' and the then you leave.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
How can I make you listen to me?

Major Charles Winchester:
Cannot.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Okay, here you go. Here you are. [Drops trousers] Here's a show of good faith.

Major Charles Winchester:
Oh, the nudist magazines are finally taking their toll, eh?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
No, no, nothing like that. All I want is a brief conversation.

Major Charles Winchester:
Concerning what?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Concerning your enemy and mine BJ Hunnicut. This is a man with two faces, each one containing a forked tongue.

Major Charles Winchester:
Why, what's he done?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Everything. I was supposed to sit in that glue in the officer's club, only he arranged for the chairs to be switched and you'd get it again.

Major Charles Winchester:
You expect me to believe this, Pierce?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Charles. I swear I'm telling the naked truth. As Klinger as my witness. He was the one who switched the chairs on BJ's instructions. and it was BJ's idea that you go bareback in the OR too.

Major Charles Winchester:
Pierce, this sounds like the rantings of a lunatic. Are you telling me this is true?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Absolutely. Our own clean cut, adorable, soft spoken BJ is a perverse genius. He magnificently orchestrated things so you'd get humiliated, I'd get blamed and he'd get his jollies.

Major Charles Winchester:
My word. Machiavelli would have been proud.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
But it's not over yet. You know the old saying: he who lives by the joke shall die by the joke.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
Me, advertise? Huh! I can think of better ways of spending two dollars.

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
It's not spending. It's investing. With the flock that's gonna come flocking in, you'll need a duffel bag for a collection plate.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
Oh, very well, Klinger. I'll take the ad.

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
Terrific.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
Always willing to help an enterprising young man get a start.

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
I got the whole thing beautifully designed in my head. I'll tell you how it comes out.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
Won't I be able to see it?

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
You want to see it! Oh, foolish me. I completely forgot to mention subscriptions.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
Subscriptions?

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
Glad you asked. Because I like you, I'm instituting a man-of-the-cloth discount. My special pearly rates: two dollars a month or twenty-five dollars a year.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
All right! All right, all right. Here's another two dollars.

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
Thank you, Father. One more dollar, and we're even.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
What? I thought you said two dollars a month!

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
That's for subscriptions. Now I gotta raise the advertising rate. Circulation just doubled.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
Klinger, how would you like to see your circulation cut off?

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
Wonderful. See? Another satisfied customer.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Congratulations. You've just committed a very original sin.

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
You know, I never got the chance to tell you how much Margaret means to us. We couldn't run this place without her.

'Howitzer' Al Houlihan:
Well, that gal is the best thing that ever happened to me!

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Is that so? Well, you sure have a funny way of showing it.

'Howitzer' Al Houlihan:
I beg your pardon?

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Margaret's busted her britches trying to please you, but you don't seem to give a tinker's damn!

'Howitzer' Al Houlihan:
Forgive me, Colonel, but what business is that of yours?

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
It is my business because I care about her. That gal seems to think you have no use for her.

'Howitzer' Al Houlihan:
Well, I flew halfway around the world to see her, didn't I? That should say it all.

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
It doesn't say enough when all you can do is find fault.

'Howitzer' Al Houlihan:
What do you mean by that?

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Well, for openers, walking out on her in the middle of O.R. didn't exactly boost her morale.

'Howitzer' Al Houlihan:
[looking away from Potter] That had nothing to do with Margaret!

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Really? Then what did it have to do with? [Alvin does not respond]

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Was it the doctors' Tom Foolery? [Alvin still does not respond]

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Was it the blood? [Alvin looks up]

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
[walks a step away and turns around again to face Alvin] Let me tell you something, Alvin, I've seen tougher birds than you who couldn't take it!

'Howitzer' Al Houlihan:
It shouldn't be happening to me.

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
You mean you'd sooner let her think she was a failure than admit you were about to lose your lunch? You'd rather crush her feelings than let on you're human like the rest of us?

'Howitzer' Al Houlihan:
Colonel...

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
You're so busy being 'Howitzer Al' Houlihan you can't even let your own daughter know you love her?

'Howitzer' Al Houlihan:
Colonel, you raise your family and I'll raise mine.

B.J.:
A big glass of fresh, ice cold milk.

Hawkeye:
For me, a banana. And of course, what's a banana without a piece of chocolate cake?

[Some other people in the O.R. laugh]

Hawkeye:
What are you laughing at? It's wonderful.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
It is delicious - I'm going to take a three-hour bubble bath.

Nurses:
Oh, yeah.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
How about you, Colonel - what's the first thing you want when you get home?

Col. Potter:
Well, I like fresh corn. I mean real fresh corn. So I think maybe I'll just take a hot plate out to the garden, make a pot of boiling water, then I won't even pick that corn - I'll bend that stalk till the ear dips into the water, and I'll eat it right there standing up. Scrumptious!

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
How about you, Charles, what are you looking forward to?

Maj. Winchester:
I am looking forward to a hemostat.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
[handing Winchester a hemostat] Hemostat - there's no need to bite my head off.

Maj. Winchester:
Sponge.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
[handing Winchester a sponge] Sponge. You know, I just don't see why some people can't be grateful if other people try to help them.

Maj. Winchester:
Don't you?

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
I think a person is lucky if somebody cares enough to help. Where would I be without my father's help?

Maj. Winchester:
Oh, where indeed? He's pulling in three different directions, if you get any luckier, there's going to be a piece of you in every corner of the world.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
Maybe some people just can't feel gratitude.

Maj. Winchester:
Maybe some people like having other people run their lives, but some people don't.

Margaret:
Colonel, I just wanted you to know that I was preparing my final report before I go, which I haven't done yet.

[she walks up to Henry's liquor cabinet and finds it locked]

Margaret:
Uh, how do you get into this thing?

Henry Blake:
Is there something you want?

Margaret:
I thought a little farewell drink - Major, Colonel.

Henry Blake:
Looks like you've already been dipping your bill. You sure you won't reconsider, major?

Margaret:
No, I've thought it over, and I definitely would like another drink.

Henry Blake:
Okay. Scotch and water okay?

Margaret:
That's fine. Oh, you can skip the water.

Henry Blake:
Oo-kay.

Margaret:
[mimicking Henry] Oo-kay.

Henry Blake:
[pouring drinks] You know, Major, you're making a mistake. This outfit may be a bit of a booby hatch, but, uh, we do awful good work together.

Margaret:
Yeah, I can't fight you there.

Henry Blake:
Cheers.

[they toast and drink]

Margaret:
I need army discipline. I need a sense of order. Can't you understand that, Colonel?

Henry Blake:
Why don't you call me Henry, for Pete's sake?

Margaret:
That's really swell of you, Pete.

Henry Blake:
[sitting down] Excuse me.

Margaret:
Do you know that you look just like my father before he died?

Henry Blake:
Oh, uh, a lot of people have said that.

Margaret:
[pouring another drink] It's funny how you only get to know people after they're gone. I feel real close to you right now.

Henry Blake:
Yeah, sure. Uh, that, uh, scotch you just poured is rye.

Margaret:
That's okay. The champagne I just had was gin.

Hawkeye:
Good evening. Thank you all for coming. I trust you will forgive me for disturbing you at this late hour, but the time has come to unmask the guilty party - the perpetrator of this bad practical joke.

Frank Burns:
We know who the guilty party is. [to Henry] Why do you let him ...

Hawkeye:
Contain yourself, Dr. Burns! Remember the old adage: "Methinks he doth protest too much."

Frank Burns:
Who does he think he is?

Trapper:
The Thin Man?

Hawkeye:
You dislike me enough to wish me transferred to another base - preferably an enemy base. But let us not forget Major Houlihan. Tough, ambitious, yet greasy Major Houlihan. Why think of only one culprit? Why not a pair of sweethearts in crime?

Margaret:
You are sick!

Hawkeye:
Still, another colleague resents me because of his consistent losses at the gaming tables.

Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones:
The man's a fruitcake!

Hawkeye:
And yet you, Lieutenant, also had a motive of jealousy, because I share my affections among the ladies.

Lt. Barbara Bannerman:
You told me I was the only one - !

Hawkeye:
Ha! Of course, my legendary prowess among the fairer sex was cause for envy on the part of... Dr. McIntyre!

Trapper:
Legendary? I've seen you strike out in a geisha house.

Hawkeye:
Still, we must remember that the thefts were committed in several places, indicating that the thief had access to the various tents and was perhaps short enough to go unnoticed. There is only one man here short enough to bathe in his own helmet. Right, Radar?

Radar:
Me? I'm not short!

Hawkeye:
[chuckles] Let us not overlook the possibility of a mastermind who commands others to do his bidding, right, Henry?

Henry Blake:
[waking up] Uhh, sign what, Radar? I'm sorry, Pierce. Uh, it's going very well.

Hawkeye:
A most perplexing riddle, calling for the most ingenious of solutions. Thus I made it publicly known that there were fingerprints to be found on the stolen articles, thereby tempting the criminal to repeat his crime, and retrieve his ill-gotten booty - or his ill-booten gotty. Which he has done! However, in so doing, he has exposed himself.

[Frank closes his robe]

Hawkeye:
Because I took the precaution of treating the stolen articles with hydrochloric-alpha-terracin.

Trapper:
What's hydrochloric-alpha-terracin?

Hawkeye:
A chemical which is at this moment coloring the culprit's fingernails... blue.

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake:
[answering phone] MASH 4077th, Colonel Blake here. When? How? Wow!

Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly:
[curious about the phone call] What is it?

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake:
[covers phone] Oh, a Korean national on a bicycle, his family, their furniture and a pig made a bad turn and sent one of our ambulances over an embankment. [on phone] Was anyone hurt? Yeah? Yeah. [covers phone] Well, they pulled six business girls out of the ambulance, they're ok, but the General's dead. He's been killed. [on phone] General Who? Kelly?

Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly:
Wow!

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake:
General Kelly's been killed!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
You'd think the girls would have broken his fall!

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake:
Lord, he was just here! Well, what's he doing in an ambulance? I didn't know he was sick!

Colonel Wortman:
[takes phone from Col. Blake] Colonel Wortman here, General Kelly's aide. Now listen carefully, this is an order. Take the General's body, put it in a Jeep, and drive it up to G sector.

Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly:
Uh, sir, there's no fighting there, just diarrhea.

Colonel Wortman:
[covers phone] I'll provide the fighting. [on phone] Get on with it! [talking to Radar again] Get me Kimpo Air base. I want a squadron of jets. And get me the Navy for some offshore bombardment. Major General Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly is gonna perish in a full-scale, blazing, all-out glorious, star-spangled bannered death.

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake:
[walks over to talk to Hawkeye and Trapper] Hey guys.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
Yes, Henry.

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake:
Is he talking about killing a General who's already dead?

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
That's right, Henry.

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake:
Well, uh, isn't that sort of crazy?

Colonel Wortman:
[on phone] And rockets! I want plenty of rockets!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
That's for the red glare.

Father Mulcahy:
[singing] A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck. If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in heck.

Everybody:
Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee, Mom, I wanna go home.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Oh, the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright. We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night.

Everybody:
Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Friendships in the army, they say are mighty rare. So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare.

Everybody:
Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

Nurses:
The surgeons in the army, their brains they are profound. But we'll take chopper pilots, they'll get you off the ground.

Everybody:
Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly:
The corporals in the army, ya say we're really green. But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine.

Everybody:
Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

Klinger:
Oh, some guys like the Army. I think that it's a mess. If it's so damn terrific. How come I wear a dress?

Everybody:
Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot. But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott.

Everybody:
Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go. But they won't let me go. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
[Klinger fixes the P.A. system which is unknowingly in the 'on' position] Who's sick?

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
Nobody's sick, sir, I have a little rash.

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
[Half asleep] I have two grandchildren myself.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
Sir, please try to understand, it's Margaret. I have a bad case of prickly heat. A severe irritation on my gluteus maximus.

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Oh, I get it. A bad case of keister itch.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
Well you could call it that, sir.

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
I sure gotta sympathize with you on that one. Ain't nothing more bothersome than a case of the ol' fanny fungus. With all this heat, that cute little caboose of yours must be red as a beet.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
Oh, really, sir, I'd rather not talk about it.

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
I don't know how bad off your wazoo is, but I'll bet it don't come close to the rump rots I had during the big war.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
Sir, send the chopper...

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
We were pinned down near Chantilly, and I was stuck for a whole damn night in a wet fox hole. I'll never forget it. [The entire camp bursts out laughing at the conversation] No matter how many times you change your skivvies, the fire on the ol' back porch just keeps burning. Must be hell for you to trying to sit or sleep...

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
Wait a minute...Is this stupid P.A. on?! Klinger, you idiot!

Klinger:
Major, wait! Oh no, please don't. It took me three hours to fix that--[Smash!] [Camp continues laughing]

Frank Burns:
[bombs heard in background] I hope we're giving it to 'em good, those little yellow reds.

Hawkeye:
Frank, you better take two yellow reds and go to sleep.

Frank Burns:
Oh, you like getting shot at, Dr. Goody Two-Shoes?

Hawkeye:
I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread, transplant the American Dream: freedom, achievement, hyperacidity, affluence, flatulence, technology, tension, the inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back. That's entertainment!

Frank Burns:
Pierce, you are certifiably insane.

Hawkeye:
Gee, I can't understand why. Here I am, 20,000 miles from home working as an extra in a war movie with this guy's blood dripping into my boot. Nurse, you want to do something about that, or must I kiss you into submission?

Lt. Ginger Bayliss:
Right away, doctor.

Hawkeye:
That's not insane-making, Frank. Neither is bedding down every night with a flea circus, or eating food prepared by a cook who used to make box lunches for Kamikaze pilots, or getting so bored out my skull, I put on my dress uniform for a trip to the latrine!

Frank Burns:
Will you watch your language?

Margaret:
There are nurses present.

Hawkeye:
Oh, forgive me. I'd like to offer the nurses a blanket apology. Or even better, I'd like to offer them a blanket invitation.

Frank Burns:
Smut merchant.

Henry Blake:
Oh, pipe down, Burns.

Frank Burns:
Oh sure, always. You jump all over me, but he can say what he wants, and he gets away with it. Colonel's pet, that's what you are!

Hawkeye:
I'll get you at recess!

[Klinger has delivered letters to all the senior staff as per Col. Potter's order]

Hawkeye:
"You are invited to my tent tomorrow night at 1900 hours. Cordially, Sherman Potter. PS: That's an order." I don't understand.

Margaret:
[entering from another room] You won't believe what was left on my door.

BJ:
The crowd thickens.

Hawkeye:
Let me guess, does it look like this?

Margaret:
You got one?

BJ:
We all did.

Mulcahy:
[entering from outside] Hello, all. Say, I just received the most peculiar... [they all hold up their own letters] Oh... does anyone know what this means?

BJ:
I do. We're all invited to Col. Potter's tent for an after-dinner riddle.

Hawkeye:
Klinger, did he say anything to you what he gave these to you?

Klinger:
No. Just ordered me to deliver them and made a beeline for his office with that package he got today.

Margaret:
Package? What was in it?

Klinger:
I don't know, but he's been antsy about getting it ever since the trip to Tokyo. Came from some lawyers.

Hawkeye:
Lawyers? Why would he be hearing from lawyers? Divorce?

Margaret:
That's stupid. Who would divorce that sweet, wonderful man?

Hawkeye:
Maybe it's a lawsuit.

BJ:
Tax problem.

Charles:
Or a will. I don't wish to sound ghoulish and, mind you, I pray I'm assessing the evidence incorrectly, but what if the sick friend with the bad lab report is a ruse and it's Col. Potter who's sick.

Margaret:
No, don't even think that.

Hawkeye:
Let's not jump to conclusions.

Charles:
Agreed, but that would explain the phone call, the trip to Tokyo, his mood and the package from the lawyers.

BJ:
Yes, it would.

Hawkeye:
Look, if he's ill, we'll find out soon enough. I'm sure he'll tell us in his own way.

Mulcahy:
[looks at his letter again] Maybe he is.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake:
Colonel Andropolis has the thing flown in all the way from Greece, and now the damned lamb has flown the coop!

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Now that's a pretty neat trick.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake:
U.N. Command in Seoul's called. Boy! Am I in Dutch with the Greeks.

Captain John McIntyre:
Heh, heh, heh, heh.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
The man's a fountain of straight lines.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake:
Go ahead and joke. I'm in trouble up to my whatsis. One more chewing out and my belly button will cave in.

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly:
Uh, Sir?

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake:
Not now, Radar!

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly:
Uh, it's about the lamb, Colonel.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake:
Where is it?

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly:
Well, uh. I don't want you to get in trouble, Sir. But, uh, it's been set free.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake:
Well what horse's pa-toot did that?

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly:
Um. [pause] You did, Sir. You gave him a medical discharge this afternoon.

Captain John McIntyre:
[reading form] Private Charles Lamb.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake:
Radar! You tricked me!

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly:
Well, I didn't wanna see him killed, Sir. I'd rather be barbecued myself with an apple shoved up my face!

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake:
I gave a discharge to a sheep!

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly:
He's on his way to Tokyo now.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
On Bo Peep Airlines.

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly:
A buddy of mine will reroute him to Iowa to my folks. I already radioed them. They're expecting him.

Captain John McIntyre:
He can sleep in your room.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Your pants will just fit him.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake:
I think I'm losing my mind.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Don't fight it, Henry.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake:
I've got Command on my tail! And a hospital full of Greeks waiting on a lamb that's on a plane on his way to Iowa to become Radar's little brother!

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
[Drunk out of his mind and listening to Hawkeye and BJ make fun of him losing his position at Massachusetts General] Is that what you think... Beej? Is that what all you cretins think?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce:
Did you hear something that sounded like Charles?

Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt:
The mummy speaks!

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
Indeed, and I'm going to rise from this hideous tomb and leave all you relics behind.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce:
Going somewhere Charles?

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
You bet your beer soaked brain I am. [Holds up piece of paper] Read this and weep. This is from the Massachusetts General Hospital, see [mumbling drunk] Mahahuhet genel hopital. You are looking at the next chief of thoracic surgery [hiccups on thorasic] . Gentlemen, eat my DUST! [throws paper down with a sinister grin]

Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt:
Well, we got him to talk.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce:
That's nothing, I can make him yell. Charles, uh, I wouldn't pack my bags just yet

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
No?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce:
No... uh... see... Beej and I sort of... uh... well... know about... your news

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
You read my telegram.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce:
Read your-oh heavens no.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt:
We would never read your telegram.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce:
We wrote it.

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
You wrote that?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce:
Well I have to admit it's not the nicest thing we've ever done, but you have to realize that you challenged us!

Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt:
There was no other way to get you to talk.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce:
We don't like to lose Charles.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt:
Especially to you.

Pvt. Markham:
[A GI has just had a near-death experience. Charles is trying to find out what it was like] I really don't understand what you want.

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
When I was very young, my little brother died...I couldn't fully comprehend it at the time. But for months after the....accident, I was unable to pass his room without this...Nameless fear. I would get this, uh, tingling sensation in my chest and my arms. And then yesterday, when I found out that I indeed had come close...Very close to death myself, that sensation returned.

[B.J. enters]

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
But you were there. You were there. If only for a moment, I must know what you felt.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Excuse me, can I see you outside a moment, Doctor?

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
Yes, of course.

[They walk outside of Post-op]

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
Yes?

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Are you alright?

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
Perfectly.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Nothing is bothering you?

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
Absolutely nothing.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Then what the hell is the matter with you?! Every time I go into post-op, you're hovering over Markham like a ghoul. That's some graveside manner you've got...

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
As you recall, I am partly responsible for him being alive right now!

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Then let's let him rest in peace.

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
Let me ask you a question, Dr. Schweitzer. Can you honestly stand there and tell me you've never wondered what it was like?

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
What what was like?

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
What that boy went through right there! He was dead. Haven't you the slightest bit of curiosity about what lies beyond?

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
No, I figure I'll find out soon enough.

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
Well, you may be able to cloak yourself in denial, but I am not afraid to face up to the harshest reality of all.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
[angrily] Let me give you another harsh reality, Doctor. Markham is MY patient. You stay the hell away from him!

Dr. Randolph Kent:
So there I was in Elewijt standing in the very house where Rubens painted his most wonderful masterpiece The Rape of the Daughters of Leucippus.

Major Charles Winchester:
Surely you jest.

Dr. Randolph Kent:
Hardly one of Rubens's best works.

Major Charles Winchester:
Oh, granted, it appeals to bourgeois taste, but - Besides - Bourgeois? The master painted that when he lived in Antwerp.

Dr. Randolph Kent:
Well, it was merely an error in geography.

Major Charles Winchester:
My brain is not a map.

Dr. Randolph Kent:
Barely a brain.

Major Charles Winchester:
[laughs] Oh, yeah? Well, says you, you, you boorish Sussex fop!

Dr. Randolph Kent:
Ignorant Back Bay philistine!

Major Charles Winchester:
Snob!

Dr. Randolph Kent:
Clod!

Major Charles Winchester:
Dandy!

Dr. Randolph Kent:
Cretin!

Major Charles Winchester:
[Inhales] - I don't care who your parents are! - [Bottle Clanks] You can take your father's villa and stuff it! [Dr. Kent begins laughing like hell] What's so funny?

Dr. Randolph Kent:
It isn't my father's villa. It's my father's employer's villa.

Major Charles Winchester:
What?...

Dr. Randolph Kent:
Father is the butler. When I was old enough, I became the chauffeur. It helped put me through medical school.

Major Charles Winchester:
But you told me that... - - - And why not? It was such fun to submit you to derision and watch you crawl back for more. - I did not. - You most certainly did. You assumed that only people of wealth and breeding have any taste or class. Well, mate, you have been outclassed by the son of a bloody butler. [laughs] Aw, shut up!

Dr. Randolph Kent:
I told you the truth. I summered in San Remo and wintered in Sussex. You assumed the rest.

Major Charles Winchester:
Well, you encouraged the assumption.

Dr. Randolph Kent:
You assumed that only people of wealth and breeding have any taste or class. Well, mate, you have been outclassed by the son of a bloody butler! [Captain Hawkeye Pierce has been standing on his elbows upside down listening to the two drunken boars & begins laughing hysterically and loses his balance, falling against his shelves behind him] .

Major Charles Winchester:
[drunkenly looks over at Captain Pierce embarassed & disgusted] Aw, shut up! [Hawkeye continues laughing] .

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
Okay, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker or a guffaw from anybody.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
You hear that Charles?

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
Subject of this meeting is... The Army. [Looks expectantly at Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester, who sit quiet] [Quietly] So far, so good. [Regular voice] I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
[Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all burst out in laughter. Potter crosses his arms and waits for the laughter to stop] I'm sorry! If I held that in, my teeth would have exploded!

Captain B.J. Hunnicut:
Come on, you gotta be kidding!

Major Charles Winchester:
Gentlemen, please. It's impolite to laugh at seniles.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
[Sharply] What did he say?

Captain B.J. Hunnicut:
Loss of hearing is the first sign. [All three begin laughing again]

Major Margaret Houlihan:
Will you clowns keep quiet? Some of us are interested in what the Colonel has to say. Go on Colonel.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
Why, thank you, Major. [Pierce begins making kissing noises] You blow one more kiss, Pierce, and those lips 'll never walk again.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
Please, I'd like to hear this too. [Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all make kissing noises] Oh, blow it out your bugle! Colonel, please continue.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
Gracias, Padre. Now I think you'll admit, the Army presents unique opportunities, that can't be had anywhere else.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
That's very true. What other job lets you die for a living?

Captain B.J. Hunnicut:
Certainly a once in a lifetime experience.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
The Army provides a chance to see the world.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Scenic tours of all the great battlefields.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
[Through gritted teeth] It provides a home.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Where even the buffalo wouldn't roam.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
Okay, that does it! Lecture's over! Class dismissed! [Everyone heads for the door] Except you Pierce! Since you insist on behaving like a dunce, you can cap it off by staying after school!

Share your thoughts on M*A*S*H's quotes with the community:

0 Comments

    Quote of the Day Today's Quote | Archive

    Would you like us to send you a FREE inspiring quote delivered to your inbox daily?

    Please enter your email address:

    Citation

    Use the citation below to add this movie page to your bibliography:

    Style:MLAChicagoAPA

    "M*A*S*H Quotes." Quotes.net. STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 3 Dec. 2020. <https://www.quotes.net/movies/m*a*s*h_quotes_104308>.

    Know another quote from M*A*S*H?

    Don't let people miss on a great quote from the "M*A*S*H" movie - add it here!