M*A*S*H

Frank Burns:
It's nice to be nice... to the nice.

Frank Burns:
Funny thing, war: never have so many suffered so much so so few could be so happy.

Margaret:
We're lucky to be two of the few and not the many.

Frank Burns:
I know, darling, and I love being both of us.

Charles:
Klinger, you are a gentleman and a lady.

Margaret:
Oh, Frank. You're so above average.

Frank Burns:
Spontaneity has its time and its place.

Henry Blake:
Do we have enough sherry and ginger-ale for the General?

Radar:
Oh, nobody does, sir.

Henry Blake:
Oh, fine then, if nobody does we don't have to, but make sure we do, just in case we don't.

[to Margaret]

Hawkeye:
Did anyone ever tell you, you have the voice of a songbird slowly drowning in tar?

Radar:
[takes a drink of Hawkeye's home-made gin, and grimaces] I thought this stuff was supposed to make you feel better.

B.J.:
No. It's supposed to make you feel nothing.

[about Hawkeye and BJ]

Col. Potter:
Please excuse these two, they're themselves today.

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
I haven't washed my hands since I became a psychiatrist.

Hawkeye:
Insanity is just a state of mind

Henry Blake:
You're always wrong, Frank. That's what's so right about you.

Charles:
[to a patient in cardiac arrest] Live! That's an order!

Col. Potter:
The General answers his own phone. Must be a Unitarian.

Frank Burns:
I love it here.

Col. Potter:
Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I have to figure out which one.

Henry Blake:
Will you stop saying what I'm thinking?

Radar:
One of us has to.

[South Koreans are being taught to speak English]

Frank Burns:
We're making real progress.

Hawkeye:
I can tell. You have a Korean accent.

Margaret:
Act like a man, you sniveling twerp!

PA System:
Due To circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today.

[PA Announcement after 3 weeks without wounded]

PA System:
Attention all personnel . Due to a lack of casualties, today's midnight movie will be shown at 9:00 in the morning... And midnight has been canceled.

Radar:
My own father didn't have me until he was 63, and the first time we played peek-a-boo together he had a stroke.

Hawkeye:
War isn't Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.

Father Mulcahy:
How do you figure, Hawkeye?

Hawkeye:
Easy, Father. Tell me, who goes to Hell?

Father Mulcahy:
Sinners, I believe.

Hawkeye:
Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in Hell. War is chock full of them - little kids, cripples, old ladies. In fact, except for some of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
[to Klinger] You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size 12 pumps. I hope you do get out someday. There would be a battalion of men in hoop skirts right behind you.

Hawkeye:
If you act drunk long enough, you get a REAL hangover.

Margaret:
I am a woman, after all.

Hawkeye:
[turning to Burns] Is that true, Frank?

Trapper:
[after being asked a question] How should I know? I dropped out of school to become a doctor.

Trapper:
Take a walk, Frank.

Hawkeye:
Yeah, take a major walk.

Henry Blake:
Frank, whatever it is, just write it down and put it on my desk where I can't find it.

Radar:
Sir, there's someone waiting to see you.

Henry Blake:
I was born with someone waiting to see me.

[as Maj. Burns looks for bombs in a field]

B.J.:
What's Frank up to?

Hawkeye:
I think he's vacuuming Korea. Eisenhower's coming; he wants everything just so.

[Calling Maj. Freedman]

Hawkeye:
Sidney? Hawkeye Pierce. Did I interrupt you in the middle of someone?

Radar:
Sir, I was just crossing the compound when...

Frank Burns:
I have no interest in the compound.

Klinger:
He has no compound-interest.

Colonel Flagg:
You think you're real smart. But you're not smart; you're dumb. Very dumb. But you've met your match in me.

Frank Burns:
I'm sick of hearing about the wounded. What about all the thousands of wonderful guys who are fighting this war without any of the credit or the glory that always goes to those lucky few who just happen to get shot?

Frank Burns:
It's the way these yellow devils think. It's burned into their brains. Kill Americans, kill, kill. They don't respect human life the way we do. I'd like to take him out and shoot him.

Frank Burns:
Why don't you guys like me?

Hawkeye:
Because you're a lousy doctor and a rotten person.

Frank Burns:
Aside from that.

B.J.:
Well, there's your pimples.

Frank Burns:
My pores won't close.

Hawkeye:
How much of this can a man take? We must have seen this picture twelve times in the last month. Its a recurring nightmare with popcorn.

B.J.:
Big surprise dinner party. Spectacularly unforgetable. Have you ever considered renting your mouth out to the motor pool as a garage?

Hawkeye:
Klinger, get back here as fast as you can. We want a few minutes before the party to beat the daylights out of you.

Charles:
Hunnicutt, I've known a lot of people in my life. You are not among them.

Frank Burns:
All right, where's my razor?

Hawkeye:
Been shaving your legs again, Frank?

Hawkeye:
Blow in my ear.

Margaret:
What?

Hawkeye:
I'm so cold I think my pilot's gone out.

PA System:
Attention all personnel. Due to the shortage of oil and wood, tonight's movie will be burned at 1800.

Frank Burns:
Klinger, how dare you wear that hat while in uniform?

Klinger:
It's spring, sir.

[Margaret has just thanked Hawkeye]

Hawkeye:
Margaret, I'm honored, touched... and aroused.

Cpl. Igor Straminsky:
See these fresh oranges? They don't grow on trees, you know.

Trapper:
They got a lot of guts.

Hawkeye:
And they keep serving them.

Father Mulcahy:
[offering to go through the local black market, for needed medicines] You'd be surprised what a priest can get away with.

Frank Burns:
I know I'm a real asset.

Hawkeye:
You're only off by two letters.

[it is extremely hot outside]

PA System Announcer:
Attention, all personnel - incoming wounded. Out of the frying pan and into the O.R.

[some wounded arrive during the night]

PA System Announcer:
Attention, all personnel - we interrupt your sweet dreams to bring you the following nightmare.

[some wounded arrive during the night]

PA System Announcer:
Attention, all personnel - this is your wake-up call.

PA System Announcer:
Hear ye, Hear ye, it's 0700 and all is hell. Incoming wounded, folks.

[there has been a long wait for a large load of wounded people]

PA System Announcer:
Attention, all personnel... the wounded you've all been waiting for has finally arrived in person... report to the Big Top immediately; the circus is about to begin.

Radar:
Will Scotch be all right for everybody, sir?

Henry Blake:
Yeah, fine, Radar - perfect.

Radar:
[offering a drink to Captain Sloan] Uh, I ran out of ice sir, so I used bourbon.

Hawkeye:
I'm too frightened to be scared.

B.J.:
[handing Frank an unused Hari-Kari knife] Why don't you do us a favour, and break it in!

Hawkeye:
[after discovering a patient that is a baby] Boy, did his draft board go crazy!

Hawkeye:
You're a better nurse than I am, Gunga Din.

Colonel Lambert:
[describing General Mitchell] Honest, true blue as the day is long, and about as interesting as a five-pound bag of fertilizer.

Klinger:
Sir, I've had a lot of experience in these matters.

Charles:
I do not need the wisdom of your experience. I am not selling watches from the trunk of a car.

Hawkeye:
Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of happy hour.

Hawkeye:
[in describing the Swamp] We like it. It's modeled after the Chicago sewer system.

Frank Burns:
You disgust me!

Hawkeye:
You're right, Frank... I discussed you with everyone I know and we all find you disgusting.

Frank Burns:
I'm taking this to a higher authority.

Trapper:
Aw, Frank... you're not going to write your mother again.

Klinger:
[Klinger enters Potter's office with a giant salami in one hand, and a giant loaf of bread in the other] 50 more pounds, and I'm homeward-bound!

Col. Potter:
You're going to *eat* you way to a discharge?

Klinger:
I call it "Food for Freedom"!

Col. Potter:
I call it "Suicide by Salami"!

Klinger:
I'll take my chances!

Col. Potter:
Okay, when you can't get through that door, come see me.

Klinger:
I'll be wearing a size 30, sir.

Father Mulcahy:
Colonel, an ambulance has turned over in the compound, you better come on the double.

Col. Potter:
Anybody hurt?

Father Mulcahy:
Well, the driver's a bit shaken-up, but he'll be all right.

Col. Potter:
No-one else inside?

Father Mulcahy:
No.

Col. Potter:
Thank God.

Father Mulcahy:
I already did.

Frank Burns:
This is the last straw!

Hawkeye:
Remind me to order more straws.

Frank Burns:
I don't see why the American taxpayer has to pay for a wedding between these two *pagans*.

Margaret:
They're not pagans, Frank. Everyone's going to be wearing clothes.

Radar:
[on the phone with the US] Whoa, did you know it's yesterday there?

Hawkeye:
Well, it's today here.

B.J.:
It's always today here.

Hawkeye:
Oh, yeah? What about tomorrow?

B.J.:
Good point.

Hawkeye:
Ha, I wasn't born yesterday!

Frank Burns:
The men hate me, don't they?

Radar:
Just your guts, sir.

Frank Burns:
That's not my department, sir - intelligence is something I try to avoid.

Frank Burns:
I wonder if I can say something useful?

Trapper:
I often wonder that too, Frank.

Father Mulcahy:
[Some Refugees leave on a truck, Father Mulcahy is handing out the Holy Bible] Here you go kids... just something to read on the way.

Hawkeye:
If you have any questions they have branch offices everywhere.

Hawkeye:
[speaking to Klinger] Unhand me you varlet, you know not who you touch.

Trapper:
I've never met a nurse that didn't register.

Frank Burns:
[Grabs Margaret's arm to keep her from walking away from him] Margaret, can't we please talk about this?

Margaret:
Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee. [Frank removes his hand]

Frank Burns:
Courage is something you shouldn't be afraid to have.

Colonel Flagg:
I could kill you with one finger.

Frank Burns:
Attention all Allied personnel! There are only about half a dozen stars visible, sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one.

Hawkeye:
Very good, Frank.

B.J.:
They'll start looking for us in Bethlehem.

Col. Potter:
[Potter, Hawkeye & BJ are drinking in the Swamp] Y'know, I had a still, on Guam. One night, it blew up! [leans forward conspiratorially] That's how I got my Purple Heart.

Charles:
A Winchester acknowledges only one 5:30 a day. This is not it.

Charles:
And you call yourself a chef.

Sgt. Pernelli:
No. I call myself a cook. Chefs ain't got tattoos.

Col. Potter:
[Frank is telling his story after being taken by North Korean soldiers in a jeep] Why didn't you bring the jeep back?

Frank Burns:
The jeep?

B.J.:
Yeah, it's a big green thing.

Hawkeye:
Looks like a turtle with a thyroid condition.

B.J.:
Okay, it's your turn. Tell me a fantasy.

Hawkeye:
Picture, if you will, a crisp winter afternoon. You by a crackling fire in a smoking jacket.

B.J.:
Mmm. What color?

Hawkeye:
Red... with blue satin lapels. And a zipper down the back.

B.J.:
What for?

Hawkeye:
You'll see. There's a light tapping at the door. "Who's there?" you say, checking your zipper. You saunter to the door, straightening your ascot... and casually slide back the bolt.

B.J.:
Come on! Who is it?

Hawkeye:
Lana Turner.

B.J.:
Wearing?

Hawkeye:
An angora sweater... with a zipper down the back.

B.J.:
What for?

Hawkeye:
You'll see.

B.J.:
Go on.

Hawkeye:
She throws her arms around you. But you push her away!

B.J.:
I push her away? For what?

Hawkeye:
Your smoking jacket is covered with angora lint. In a fit of pique, she leaves.

B.J.:
That's it? The end?

Hawkeye:
That's it.

B.J.:
But what about the zippers down the back?

Hawkeye:
They didn't catch on.

B.J.:
Oh, I don't believe it! I had Lana Turner in a fantasy with a sweater with a zipper down the back and I let her get away?

Hawkeye:
You always were short on zip.

B.J.:
[whines]

B.J.:
Well, we managed to kill another five minutes of the war.

Hawkeye:
Wanna catch a rat and make it a pet?

B.J.:
Nah. It's not fair to the rat to keep it in a small furnished apartment.

Hawkeye:
You kept a cockroach.

B.J.:
It was paper-trained.

Henry Blake:
[on the phone with General Clayton, while reading from a book that's upside down] While I've got you on the pipe, the suggestion's been made that we could use an oh-four W. W. nug. Yeah, that's right, sir. A nug so that we can, uh, uh - what's a nug sir? Well, a nug is, [Frank turns the book over] uh, a gun, sir. A 40 M. M. gun.

Trapper:
Henry, you gotta be kidding!

Hawkeye:
We definitely do not need a nug.

Frank Burns:
Keep your snoots out of this!

Trapper:
We don't need a gun or a nug.

Hawkeye:
What are you trying to do, get us into the war?

Trapper:
[grabbing the phone] General, listen, you send a gun up here, and that's gonna draw fire. That won't do our wounded very much good.

Henry Blake:
[taking the phone back] Give me that!

Hawkeye:
[grabbing the phone] Get rid of the ammo dump, and we won't need a gun.

Henry Blake:
[taking the phone back] Do you mind?

Frank Burns:
[grabbing the phone] The previous suggestion is contraindicated, we need an antiaircraft gun desperately, general.

Hawkeye:
Frank, how would you like a spontaneous nose job?

Hawkeye:
You're out of uniform, soldier.

Nurse:
[looks at herself] Where?

Hawkeye:
How about my place in ten minutes?

Hawkeye:
[after Frank pulls a stapler out of his gun holster] Take our money, mister. Just don't staple us.

Frank Burns:
How can you just sit there and let yourselves get bombed?

Trapper:
[holding up his martini] One good bombing deserves another.

Frank Burns:
I'm sure General Clayton would send us an anti-aircraft gun.

Henry Blake:
And I'm sure General Clayton is not in the rent a gun business.

Frank Burns:
[indicating first Korean soldier] You will be platoon leader.

Korean Soldier:
I thought you were the platoon leader.

Frank Burns:
I am, but for purposes of our table of organization, I will be commander. [to first Korean soldier] You will be platoon leader. [to second Korean soldier] You will be squad leader. [to third Korean soldier] And you will be... the squad.

Hawkeye:
That's your opinion?

Captain Phil Cardozo:
Yeah.

Hawkeye:
Play Phil. Sing dentist.

Hawkeye:
[after Frank pulls a plunger from his holster] Attaboy, Frank! Flush 'em out of the skies!

PA System:
And now, here is is, for the sixth hit week! Five O'clock Charlie, his airplane, and his astigmatism!

Hawkeye:
[offering Cardozo a drink] Cardozo, booze?

Captain Phil Cardozo:
When I left the states, I promised my wife that I wouldn't have a drink or another woman, till I got back to her.

Hawkeye:
[impressed] That's nice.

Captain Phil Cardozo:
Gimme a blast.

Captain Phil Cardozo:
Make it a short one, I got a date tonight.

Major Margaret Houlihan:
Frank, give them a direct order.

Hawkeye:
Oh, do, Frank. We've never ignored one of those.

Frank Burns:
I want everybody to understand that this is war, and that war is a call to arms!

[reaches for his sidearm, which has been switched with a stapler]

Hawkeye:
[raises arms in surrender] Here's our money, mister. Don't staple us.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
[Counseling a distraught soldier] Try to be compassionate. Remember, even one of our saints received a Dear John letter.

Henry Blake:
[to Frank] Charlie is like one of our own. I mean, how would we know it's five o'clock if he didn't come over and try to blast that ammo dump?

Frank Burns:
[Hawkeye, Trapper and Radar are mocking him at the anti-aircraft gun site] That strikes me funny... not. I think it ill behooves us...

Hawkeye:
"Behooves"? What are we, in the cavalry now?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
I thought you said he was dead!

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
[shrugs] He got better.

Hawkeye:
[as they see a soldier who was reported dead turn up alive] I thought you said he was dead.

Trapper:
He got better.

Frank Burns:
Klinger! I want to see you out of that dress - tonight!

Klinger:
Never on a first date, sir!

Klinger:
[the Turkish soldier has just cut himself out of his canvas restraints] Major, do you want to take that knife away from him?

Frank Burns:
Umm... I'm not interested in mock heroism.

Klinger:
I'd settle for the real thing, sir.

Pvt. Nick Gillis:
[pulls a gun] Move away, Father, I'm getting out of here.

Father Mulcahy:
How dare you! You seek refuge in this house of the Lord when it serves your purpose. Then when it's no longer convenient, you desecrate it by pointing a deadly weapon at another human being. Private, a faith of convenience is a hollow faith.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
[pouring beer into a bowl with Rice Krispies, then smiling] Listen to that... snap, crackle and burp.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
By the way, it's not July 4th. It's like, August 10th.

Dorsett:
Whaddya know? I've been plastered for 5 weeks! That's a new record!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
In Honolulu, maybe, but not here.

[Giving advice to Hawkeye]

Father Mulcahy:
This isn't one of my sermons. I expect you to listen.

Pratt:
[about Frank Burns] Pretty gung ho.

Hawkeye:
[to the tune of "Jimmy Crack Corn"] And I don't care.

Col. Samuel Flagg:
Now read that back to me.

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly:
[reading dictation] Uh... Mary had a little lamb. Stop. [pause] My dog has fleas. Stop.

Col. Samuel Flagg:
OK, continue. Mares-eat-oats and does-eat-oats, and I'll be home for Christmas. Signed [pause] Your loving son [pause] Queen Victoria.

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly:
Boy, did I ever hear something by accident in the office just now.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
Giving the wall a physical again, Radar?

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly:
That Col. Flagg... he's a CPA. [everyone looks confused] No, honest. I heard him tell Col. Blake to keep it quiet. That he's here on a secret mission.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
Radar, you mean CIA.

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly:
I do? Wow!

Col. Samuel Flagg:
I have enough pictures of your file to have you executed for the rest of your life.

Pratt:
My people want to know what Flagg's people are up to.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
But why do we have to be in the middle? Can't you let my people go?

Pratt:
If I ask the colonel to see the major's file and they're cosubversives, they'll pull the old dossier switch-a-roo, and I'll chalk up a zilch.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Boy I wish you came with English subtitles.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
He means he's gonna break into Frank's file tonight. Right?

Pratt:
It's called breaking and entering.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
It's a good thing your a cop. Otherwise, that's illegal.

Vinnie Pratt:
If I know Flagg, he ordered the chopper to crash then got out and hit himself with a hammer.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
You're kidding.

Vinnie Pratt:
A switch on the way he infiltrated the CID last year: drove his jeep into a wall, then set himself on fire.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Is this guy available for children's parties?

Vinnie Pratt:
My people want to know what Flagg's people are up to.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
Well, why do we have to be in the middle? Can't you let my people go?

Col. Samuel Flagg:
Colonel, what's your clearance?

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
Oh, I go through the door with about an inch to spare.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
Those guys are doped up most of the time anyway.

Maj. Frank Burns:
Doped up on patriotism, fella! Something we're in pretty short supply of around here.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
Here, here!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Radar, we're running low. Get another order of "Yankee Doodle."

Vinnie Pratt:
We've got files on people who haven't been born yet.

Colonel Flagg:
What's your clearance?

Henry Blake:
Oh, I go through the door with about an inch to spare.

Colonel Flagg:
I mean security wise.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
In a few minutes we're going to be decobbing corn, thanks to you and your khaki thumb.

Father Mulcahy:
Don't I know it. All week I've been dreaming of getting butter on my cheeks, juice on my shirt, and a niblet wedged between two molars. [walks up to the table] Where is the corn?

Cpl. Igor Straminsky:
You're looking at it. The mushy stuff.

Father Mulcahy:
You... You creamed it! [on the verge of tears] You... you ninny!

Cpl. Igor Straminsky:
[everybody yells at Igor] I was just trying to be helpful. Next Fourth of July you can eat it on the cob for all I care.

Hawkeye:
Margaret, wasn't this potholder supposed to be a scarf?

Margaret:
It hasn't been a scarf in weeks. I'm knitting a sweater for a pilot I met in Tokyo.

Hawkeye:
And I'm the mannequin who came to dinner.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
Here's to the New Year. May she be a damn sight better than the old one, and may we all be home before she's over.

Captain McIntyre:
[rushing into the OR, shortly after Henry's departure... Trapper sees him unmasked] Radar, put a mask on!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
If it's about my discharge, give it to me straight! I can take it!

Radar:
I have a message. [voice breaking] Lt. Col. Henry Blake's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan... it spun in. There were no survivors.

[Margaret begins to cry softly... the surgeons continue their work in absolute silence]

Henry Blake:
[Henry's final line, as he says good-bye to Radar] You behave yourself, or I'm gonna come back here and kick your butt!

Radar:
Colonel, do you know what I found in the morning's mail?

Henry Blake:
Now, that's a toughie. Hum a few bars, won't you, Radar?

Henry Blake:
[Klinger is standing at attention in a tacky Carmen Miranda outfit] Klinger, that outfit might just get you that Section 8.

Cprl. Maxwell Klinger:
I made it just for this occasion, sir. I was in such a hurry, I didn't get the back zipped.

Henry Blake:
I'll do it. [Klinger spins around]

Cprl. Maxwell Klinger:
Up, sir. [Blake zips it; Klinger spins back around and snaps to attention]

Henry Blake:
There you go, soldier.

Cprl. Maxwell Klinger:
Sir, I have a picture of me. Would you carry it in your wallet?

Henry Blake:
Your pink evening gown.

Cprl. Maxwell Klinger:
I knew it was your favorite, sir.

Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns:
[as the company assembles to see Henry off] Does the Colonel wish to review his troops?

Henry Blake:
No, I just want to say goodbye.

[about his uncle]

Klinger:
He'd kill for me. He'd kill for you. For $100, he'd kill for anyone.

Hawkeye:
[Hawkeye has just been told that the mess tent is serving liver and fish for the eleventh straight day] I didn't hear you say that. Because it isn't possible. It's inhuman to serve the same food, day after day. The Geneva Convention prohibits the killing of our taste buds! I simply cannot eat the same food every day! Fish! Liver! Day after day! I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions!

Hawkeye:
[after getting off the phone with Adam's Ribs] Oh damn it! DAMN IT!

Radar:
What?

Hawkeye:
I forgot to order cole slaw.

Hawkeye:
Radar, prepare finger, ready to dial.

Henry:
[after Hawkeye starts a riot in the mess tent over the food] Just who do you think you are, Pierce?

Hawkeye:
I broke under the pressure, warden.

Trapper:
Eleven straight days, Henry!

Henry:
Well, don't you think I tried for some relieviation?

Radar:
Yes, sir?

Henry:
Radar, what happened to the frozen turkey I ordered you to order?

Radar:
I put in the requisition, sir, marked "urgent."

Henry:
Well?

Radar:
They sent us five thousand athletic supporters.

Trapper:
Marked "urgent!"

[laughs]

Henry:
I don't find that such a rib-tickler, Mclntyre.

Radar:
[to Sparky] Thanks, you done terrific!

Hawkeye:
DID terrific.

Radar:
That's what I said he done.

Radar:
[confused as to why Hawkeye wants to place a phone call to Chicago in the middle of the night] Chicago?

Hawkeye:
That toddlin' town. Home of the stockyards. Mrs. O'Leary's cow. The White Sox, the Cubs, Carl Sandberg.

Radar:
Who's he pitch for?

Hawkeye:
The poet. Chicago. Hog butcher for the world. Toolmaker. Stacker of wheat. Player with railroads and the nation's freight handler. Stormy, husky, brawling, City of the Big Shoulders. Sandberg knew, Radar. Spareribber for the universe! Maker of meat on a bone! The home of the pigsicle! Give me your tired, your poor... your cole slaw.

Master Sgt. Tarola:
What's in the package?

Hawkeye:
Ribs and sauce from Chicago.

Master Sgt. Tarola:
Adam's Ribs?

Hawkeye:
You know it?

Master Sgt. Tarola:
Are you kidding? I'm from Joliet. I'd walk to Chicago on my knees in the snow for a takeout order.

Trapper:
He's one of you.

Master Sgt. Tarola:
How many you got?

Hawkeye:
40 pounds.

Master Sgt. Tarola:
I'll take twenty, and a quart of sauce.

Hawkeye:
Ten, and a pint of sauce.

Master Sgt. Tarola:
Twelve, and a pint and a half. And coleslaw.

Hawkeye:
We didn't order any cole slaw.

Master Sgt. Tarola:
You sent all the way to Chicago, and no cole slaw?

Hawkeye:
Forgive us, we're draftees.

Hawkeye:
Right now, I'm thinking of bigger things. [Looks at Klinger] Don't you come from Chicago?

Radar:
[Klinger was about to talk] No, he's from Toledo.

Klinger:
But I get my lingerie from Chicago. [Trapper is cleaning a glass]

Trapper:
And it's beautiful. [Hawkeye, Radar, and Klinger stares at him] I hear.

Klinger:
[Klinger stands guard at night when Hawkeye walks by] Halt! What's the password?

Hawkeye:
Outta my way or I'll split your head open!

Klinger:
Close enough!

Hawkeye:
This is it, Radar. We're approaching Nirvana

Radar:
Is that anywhere near Chicago?

Trapper:
I knew a girl in Chicago once.

Hawkeye:
You did. Whould she help us?

Trapper:
What was her name? Oh yeah, Mildred. Mildred Feeney.

Hawkeye:
What she do you a favor?

Trapper:
She already did.

Master Sgt. Tarola:
Can I see your form S47 stroke 19J?

Hawkeye:
We don't have an S47 stroke 19J.

Master Sgt. Tarola:
We don't go to the latrine without without an S47 stroke 19J.

Hawkeye:
Draftees of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your cookies! We want something else! We want something else! We want something else!

Trapper:
[on phone, with an old girlfriend] Mildred, this is John McIntyre. That's right, Big John.

Hawkeye:
Big John!

Radar:
[smiles] Lucky!

PA Announcement:
Attention all personnel: Due to conditions beyond our control, we regret to announce that lunch is now being served.

Trapper:
They've got a lot of guts.

Hawkeye:
And they keep serving them.

Klinger:
How can you eat this slop?

Radar:
My mouth is tone deaf.

Major Pfiefer:
4077 MASH... Oh yeah, I talked to some cocky little nurse at your outfit.

Trapper:
[to Hawkeye] Radar.

Henry Blake:
Frank, it's after six. You can stop being snotty.

Margaret:
The least you could do is get out of the jeep.

Hawkeye:
Oh okay. [Dismounts from the jeep] Never let it be said I didn't do the least I could do.

Hawkeye:
[Addressing Radar's mess tray] Two mounds of mashed potatoes for breakfast?

Captain John McIntyre:
I think I used to go steady with that tray.

Hawkeye:
We could patent that, you know? Potato Falsies.

Major Franklin Marion Burns:
[eating with Margaret] Foul Mouths! There IS a lady present

Captain John McIntyre:
[Looks around] Well, where is there a lady present? [Klinger walks over to table]

Hawkeye:
Now there's a lady present!

Hawkeye:
Listen.

Captain John McIntyre:
Yeah.

Hawkeye:
While I'm gone.

Captain John McIntyre:
Yeah, yeah.

Hawkeye:
Promise me you'll go out with other doctors.

Captain John McIntyre:
Yeah, right. And when you come back, knock twice and give me five minutes.

Hawkeye:
In my locker.

Captain John McIntyre:
Yeah.

Hawkeye:
There's a letter.

Captain John McIntyre:
Ok.

Hawkeye:
It's my will.

Captain John McIntyre:
Right.

Hawkeye:
I leave everything to the Benjamin Franklin Pierce Memorial Brothel.

Captain John McIntyre:
[laughs] I'll deliver it in person.

Hawkeye:
Shall we drink to Douglas MacArthur or Ish Kabibble?

Captain John McIntyre:
I don't know. They both mean so much to me.

Hawkeye:
No Kidding. Let's drink to something important.

Hawkeye, Captain John McIntyre:
[In unison] To the Ritz Brothers! [Gulp martinis and throw them at the door]

Charles:
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have... oh, give me a drink.

Frank:
There's just no question. You're alcoholics! You drink constantly!

Hawkeye:
All right, we drink. We drink so we can get through these lousy, stinking, 48-hour days.

Trapper:
We're cold, filthy, lonely.

Hawkeye:
Scared, bored, tired.

Trapper:
Frightened and very drowsy.

Hawkeye:
And on top of that, Alice Faye goes to the big city and loses her voice!

Trapper:
She didn't.

Hawkeye:
Yeah.

Trapper:
We need a drink!

Frank:
[barracading the officer's club] Ahh, it makes it one hundred percent. This place is now bone dry!

Radar:
Yes, sir.

Frank:
The uh, men detest me, don't they?

Radar:
Oh no, sir.

Frank:
No, you can tell the truth. They hate me, don't they?

Radar:
Just your guts, sir.

Frank:
Well this is for their own good! They don't have to love me.

Radar:
Uh, I'm sure they'll be very happy to hear that, Major.

Frank:
Well, you don't have to stand there talking to me... Go to sleep!

Radar:
I can do both at the same time.

Hawkeye:
[Hawkeye, Trapper and Margaret are drunk. Hawkeye sings] I wish there were a radio way up in heaven/So I could say hello to Mother every day.

Hot Lips:
I didn't know you could sing.

Hawkeye:
Was I singing? I thought I was dancing.

[They all laugh]

Frank:
What the devil's going on in here?

Trapper:
Frank! Baby!

Hawkeye:
[sings, followed by Trapper and Margaret] Come on in and take off your skin and rattle around in your bones!

Frank:
Major Houlihan!

Hot Lips:
Whoop!

Frank:
This really cuts me to the quick!

Hawkeye:
That's quite all right. His quick could use some cutting!

Hawkeye, Hot Lips, Trapper:
[laughing]

Frank:
Let me have that! [sniffs flask] Where did this liquor come from?

Hot Lips:
Shhhhh!

Hawkeye, Trapper:
[almost in unison] Yeah, don't tell anybody.

Frank:
As your commanding officer, I insist!

Hawkeye:
Ok, ok, ok. [Grabs Frank and pull him closer] You take eleven string beans, one onion, half a radish, and four banamas.

Trapper:
[Grabs Frank's sleeve] Mix it up, and you... uh... let it soak for... uh... six weeks.

Hawkeye:
Days.

Trapper:
Days.

Hot Lips:
You'd better write this down, Frank.

Hawkeye:
[Grabs Frank back] Then you look around and you find the tallest tree, and you hang the stuff in an emena bag, and you let it lay there for eighteen weeks...

Trapper:
Days.

Hawkeye:
Days.

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Ain't you gonna say anything about my outfit?

Hawkeye:
Later.

Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy:
Say something nice about his gloves.

Hawkeye:
Huh?

Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy:
[whispering] Gloves.

Hawkeye:
Oh. Uh, I love your gloves, Klinger.

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Sears catalogue. They were having a white sale. You trace your hands on a piece of paper to give 'em your right size however if you want the black ones which aren't on the white sale you really don't care, do you?

Frank:
Have you ever given a lecture on temperance, Father? On the evils of drink?

Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy:
Well, no I haven't. But on the troop ship I was asked to give a lecture on uh, the sex thing.

Frank:
Good!

Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy:
Well... being celibate, I didn't feel qualified. They called in a Protestant. He had a film. About two sailors. One was from Cleveland, ostensibly, and the other from a small rural area. The city boy decided to stay on his ship and write his high school sweetheart, a lovely young girl, with a megaphone on her chest.

Frank:
Father, please. This is important.

Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy:
...The country boy got mixed up with a young lady who lived in a trailer with three other young ladies and... a man with a whip.

Frank:
Father...

Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy:
Broke his wristwatch and everything.

Trapper:
Always a shot! Always the needle! Mister Glib! Never at a loss for words!

Hawkeye:
Run up an alley and holler "fish."

Frank:
Anyone caught with an intoxicating beverage will be severely disciplined.

Hawkeye:
I'll drink to that.

Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy:
[Drunk, trying to give a temperance sermon in the mess tent] It's rather warm in here. Radar, would you open one of the stained glass windows?

Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy:
[Still drunk, after his temperance lecture falls apart] Have I ever told you folks the one about the prodigal son?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Has Margaret's hair come down yet?

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
Ha-haa! You should have seen her last night when I popped in on her. Her eyes were spinning round like phonograph records! Hee-hee-hee! I-heh- I haven't had so much fun sin-h-ce- Ha!- since...

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Since your chauffer ran over the squirrel?

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
HOLY HEMOSTAT!

Margaret:
[bursting in] Who left the dead minnows in my pocket?

Charles:
They were alive when I put them there. You killed them!

Charles:
[after snakes pop out of the praline can] The truly cruel thing about this joke is that there are no pralines.

Charles:
One does not wax philosophical when one is about to be sent to Leavenworth...

[pause]

Charles:
My God, that's in Kansas.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut:
[after many hours in the OR] This war has definitely lost its alure.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
My sentiments exactly. If we didn't have such a terrific union here I'd put in my two week notice. But I'm too weak.

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
[Pulling a sleeping Rizzo out from under a jeep] Wake up, Rizzo!

Sergeant Luther Rizzo:
What? Is it lunchtime? Good. I could use a break.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
[Wearing a dress] While I was showering, someone stole my robe and left me this... this... house frock!

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Better not take it off, Father, or you'll be a defrocked priest!

Father Francis Mulcahy:
How would you like to get last rites, [raises his fists] and a few lefts?

Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson:
Do you always treat enemy soldiers?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Of course not, only if they're sick.

Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson:
Is everyone as dedicated as you are?

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Ah, what do we care?

Cpl.:
[snapping a picture of Margaret's dinner] Still life on a shingle.

Major Margaret Houlihan:
You sure you two want to seen with me?

Congressional Aide:
But I want you to know, that you have been duped by a Communist sympathizer.

Charles:
What a coincidence, so have you!

Major Charles Winchester:
By the way, you realize you didn't include anything in the time capsule from the infamous Major Burns.

Hawkeye:
I was thinking about putting in his scalpel, but I didn't want to include any deadly weapons.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
[hands over a fishing lure, for the time capsule] Here. I fished with this a few times. Hawkeye told me it belonged to Colonel Blake. Let it stand for all the men who never came home.

[last lines]

Hawkeye:
I figure since we're burying everything else, why not the hatchet.

Hawkeye:
[Hands over a teddy bear] This belonged to Radar; he left it for me. Let it stand for all the soldiers who came over as boys, and left as men.

Major Charles Winchester:
Major Charles Winchester: [when Rizzo bumps into him] Get out of the way, you chitlin!

Sergeant Luther Rizzo:
Sergeant Luther Rizzo: [speaking low after Winchester moves on] Man's gonna kiss my chitlins!

Maj. Frank Burns:
Did I tell you about the boxing?

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
They didn't hit you?

Maj. Frank Burns:
No. They crated me in my sleep.

Lt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy:
Klinger, the Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you take the cake.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
Get up, Frank. You've just been promoted from patient to doctor.

[Hot Lips and Frank enter The Swamp to find Trapper and Hawkeye dressed in gorilla suits]

Maj. Frank Burns:
Pierce? McIntyre?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
What is it, Frank?

Maj. Frank Burns:
Take off those masks!

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
Take off those suits!

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
We will if you will.

Maj. Frank Burns:
Where did you get those costumes?

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
What costumes?

Maj. Frank Burns:
The costumes you're wearing!

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
These aren't costumes. We stopped shaving last month.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
[in his gorilla suit] Why do people always wait so long before consulting their local gorilla?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
[he and Trapper are wearing gorilla costumes and Frank has just asked them to operate on his hernia] Excuse me while I consult with my colleague. [He and Trapper leap about the Swamp acting and grunting like gorillas, then:] We'll do it... [he throws a hairy arm around Trapper] Me and the missus.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
[singing] Figaro, figaro figaro figaro. Shave and a haircut, two bits.

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly:
Oh, is that where that's from?

Maj. Frank Burns:
[Hawkeye is elaborately eating while in surgical garb] What's this funny business?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
There's nothing funny to me, Frank. I happen to be very serious about this delicious piece of liver.

Maj. Frank Burns:
Where'd you get liver? They're serving hamburger.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
You can't have any.

Maj. Frank Burns:
Fine. But where did you get it?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
From the North Korean.

Maj. Frank Burns:
North Korean? What North Korean?

Maj. Frank Burns:
[beat]

Maj. Frank Burns:
You mean the one that...

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
The one who croaked!

[Frank moves forward and moves the plate slightly to get a better look]

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
[outraged] You touched my plate! You're not sterile! You've ruined my liver! Ruined it! And we're all out of North Koreans!

[Trapper moves forward and slaps Hawkeye across the face]

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
I don't think I needed that.

Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre:
Radar, take him back to the Swamp and make sure he takes the BLUE pills.

Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly:
Yes, sir.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
[to Frank] Flithy liver thief!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
[Trapper slaps him] I don't think I needed that.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
In a few hours I'll be in the arms of somebody I don't even know yet.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
[complaining about being overworked] If I don't get away from this place for a while, I'm gonna start picking flowers off the wallpaper.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake:
Let go.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
I had a dream last night that I was asleep, and I dreamt it while I was awake!

Captain Phillip G. Sherman:
Colonel, I'm taking him with me to Tokyo tomorrow.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake:
You're gonna what?

Captain Phillip G. Sherman:
I think Captain Pierce can use a few weeks of observation.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake:
Well, wait a minute. I mean, what if I never get him back?

Captain Phillip G. Sherman:
We'll do the best we can

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake:
This is the Army. Nobody can do the best they can.

Trapper:
Frank! What are you doing?

Frank Burns:
Burning books.

Hawkeye:
Oh. Any special reason, Dr. Hitler?

Frank Burns:
One of the greatest living Americans is coming and I'm not going to let him see some of the trash that's read around here.

Trapper:
Plato's Republic? The Life of Red Grange?

Hawkeye:
Revolutionaries.

Frank Burns:
Right!

Trapper:
Robinson Crusoe?

Hawkeye:
Everybody runs around half naked.

Trapper:
Norman Mailer.

Frank Burns:
It's got *that word* in it.

Hawkeye:
Frank, you burn one more book, I'm gonna give you a dancing lesson in the mine field. Now, knock it off, gnat brain!

Frank Burns:
[to MacArthur's aid] I'll have you know that Major Houlihan's father served under the general in World War I.

Hawkeye:
Margaret's father was a horse?

[Radar struggles to bring two table lamps to the VIP tent]

Hawkeye:
What do we have here, a diminutive Diogenes?

Trapper:
Looking for TWO honest men, Radar?

Col. Whiteman:
[briefing the 4077's staff on Gen. MacArthur's impinging visit] I'm sure you must all be excited at the idea of meeting our Supreme Commander.

Trapper:
I'm thrilled beyond repair!

Hawkeye:
My bellybutton's been puckering and unpuckering all day!

Frank Burns:
[warning Hawkeye to take a good photo of the 4077's officers and enlisted] Now make this good, Pierce! This is going into the memorial album.

Hawkeye:
Right, boss. And get in the front row, I want to catch those eyes.

Frank Burns:
[pleasantly surprised] Wilco!

Hawkeye:
Keep them spinning counter-clockwise!

Hawkeye:
I put my fishing rod down on this blue... wooden seat in the middle of this boat... and I stood up to get some more bait. Then I went into the water. I remember there was laughing right before I went in, and then I didn't hear anything, and then I couldn't hear anything, I couldn't see anything, there was just... all this water. And I remember, I tried to scream and nothing came out. Then this hand came down, grabbed my collar and yanked me out.

Maj. Sidney Freedman:
But how did you get INTO the water?

Hawkeye:
I stood up... [beginning to grown tense]... And he was just kidding around... [emotions swill and finally peak] HE PUSHED ME! [sobs loudly] AAAH-HAAAAH! WHY'D HE DO THAT? I LOVED HIM! I LOVED HIM! I HATED HIM! WHY'D HE PUSH ME? I got back in the boat, and he said to me, "you're so clumsy. If it wasn't for me, you'd be dead." And I thanked him. He pushed me into the water, and I hated him so much for that, and all I could do was thank him.

Maj. Sidney Freedman:
Why couldn't you say you hated him?

Hawkeye:
I couldn't. I couldn't even think it. I loved him!

Maj. Sidney Freedman:
[looking through a patient's belongings] His uniform isn't in here, where is it?

Father Francis Mulcahy:
We had to burn it. We'll issue him a new one, he came in infested with lice.

Maj. Sidney Freedman:
[pulls his hands back, looks in another patient's box] There's no uniform in here either, is there a lice epidemic?

Hawkeye:
Here we are in the middle of all this shooting, and I get laid up because of something that happened to me when I was seven.

Maj. Sidney Freedman:
Oh sure, it's the little battlefields, a pond, the bedrooms, the school yard, that leave the biggest scars.

Hawkeye:
Do you hear that?

Maj. Sidney Freedman:
I don't hear anything.

Hawkeye:
That's just it. I've stopped sneezing.

Maj. Sidney Freedman:
It's a nice sound.

Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy:
I want to tell you about two men. Each facing his own crisis. The first man you know rather well. The second is a patient here. Well, the first man thought he was facing a crisis. But what he was really doing was trying to impress someone. He was looking for recognition, encouragement, a pat on the back. And whenever that recognition seemed threatened he reacted rather childishly. Blamed everyone for his problems but himself because he was thinking only of himself. But the second man was confronted with the greatest crisis mortal man can face, the loss of his life. I think you will agree that the second man had every right to be selfish. But instead he chose to think not of himself, but of a brother. A brother! When the first man saw the dignity and the selflessness of the second man, he realized how petty and selfish he had... I... I... I had been. It made me see something more clearly than I've ever seen it before. God didn't put us here for that pat on the back. He created us so he could be here himself. So he could exist in the lives of those he created, in his image.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
[to Clayton after Nurse Lacey motions to him in Post Op] Ah, would you excuse me for one second? Uh, it's, uh, a call to the wild.

Clayton Kibbee:
[Thumbs up & clicking sound he makes] Why, sure, good luck.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
[Walking with her over to private area] Ah, Lieutenant Lacey!... no doubt curious about tonight. I got it all planned. We'll meet at the Motor Pool at 8:00 and drive each other crazy.

Nurse Lacey:
Hawkeye, I'm afraid I can't make it.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
[In unsettled tone] Can't make it? No.

Nurse Lacey:
I'm gonna have to take a rain check.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Your lips tell me No-No, but there's Please, Please in my eyes.

Nurse Lacey:
I'm sorry, but Clay invited me to have a drink with him this evening.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
[Shocked] Clay? A drink of what,prune juice?

Nurse Lacey:
Hawkeye, I figured you'd understand. I can go out with you anytime. Clay is only gonna be here for a few days & he is so charming and he's known so many famous people.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
[Sarcastically] Oh, I know... like Grover Cleveland, Voltaire, Pocahontas...

Nurse Lacey:
[Interrupts] Don't tell me you're jealous.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Jealous? Oh please. I won't even dignify that with a comment.

Nurse Lacey:
[Knowing he's jealous starts to leave] O-o-h.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
[Follows her out door ,resumes taunting] Marco Polo, Galileo, Rasputin!

Klinger:
[after Henry has been trapped in the latrine that's been shelled] Colonel... if you can hear me, knock three times! If you can't, knock twice!

[two slow knocks follow]

Klinger:
Oh Lord, he's dead.

Radar:
Colonel!

Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy:
[as he is being pulled from a bombed latrine, a dazed Father Mulcahy recounts a childhood memory] Sis and I picked these apples from under the tree. I remember, I said "You can't make a pie out of crabapples!" And she said, "I learned how in the girl scouts."

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
He'll be alright. He's just a little dazed.

Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy:
She used brown sugar, and the crust was just so crispy and nice. Well, it was so good, we ate it all before dinner.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Get him back to his tent, let him rest.

Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy:
Mommy came into the kitchen and said "What the hell is going on in here?"

Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy:
[thinking that the dress-wearing Cpl. Klinger is his mother] I remember Mommy. You know, that was the first time I ever heard you swear!

Major Margaret Houlihan:
I'm going to lay down now because I'm very tired, and there better not be any hanky-panky.

Captain John McIntyre:
I don't even have a hankie, and my pankie is in my other suit.

Major Margaret Houlihan:
[trapped, crying in McIntyre's arms] I'm so embarrassed.

Captain John McIntyre:
Why?

Major Margaret Houlihan:
I outrank you!

Major Margaret Houlihan:
Everybody thinks I'm so hard and tough and here I am crying like a baby! Do you mind?

Captain John McIntyre:
No, it's the first soft water that's touched my body in a year.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Ah, Lt. Mendenhall, as I live a breathe heavily.

Charles:
Pierce, you remind of a dog I once had. He too was cheerful in the morning, so I gave him to a family of immigrant Japanese... and they ATE him.

Hawkeye:
You've written her three days in a row. What are you trying to do, get bulk mail rates?

Charles:
I am trying, you unamusing little man, to prevent a wedding which begins

[in Italian accent]

Charles:
"Eh, do youse take this woman?"

Hawkeye:
Before you start writing poison pen blessings, Charles, why don't you lie down and dry out?

Charles:
Because inebriation will enable me to form the words that will sway my sister.

Hawkeye:
Perfect. Right now you're an expert at swaying.

Charles:
[reads letter] "I await with baited garlic breath the announcement of your first born: To Honoria and Vito 'The Big Knife' Machete, a 12 pound, 10 ounce organ grinder."

Hawkeye:
When you mail that, you better wear a disguise. Why don't you dress up as a human being? No-one will recognize you.

B.J.:
All right, that does it.

[shouts]

B.J.:
That does it! I've had it with

[to Hawkeye]

B.J.:
your sanctimony and

[to Charles]

B.J.:
your bigotry! What I need is some tranquility. Like in a machine gun nest.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
[Enters tent] Charles, I have something incredible to tell you.

Major Charles Winchester:
[Stands] Here you are, Pierce. Let me make this easy for you. Here you go. [Drops trousers]

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
No, I don't want your pants. I come in peace.

Major Charles Winchester:
Oh, no need to pull my leg, Pierce. Here you go, now you say 'Got you Charles, ha ha ha' and the then you leave.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
How can I make you listen to me?

Major Charles Winchester:
Cannot.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Okay, here you go. Here you are. [Drops trousers] Here's a show of good faith.

Major Charles Winchester:
Oh, the nudist magazines are finally taking their toll, eh?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
No, no, nothing like that. All I want is a brief conversation.

Major Charles Winchester:
Concerning what?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Concerning your enemy and mine BJ Hunnicut. This is a man with two faces, each one containing a forked tongue.

Major Charles Winchester:
Why, what's he done?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Everything. I was supposed to sit in that glue in the officer's club, only he arranged for the chairs to be switched and you'd get it again.

Major Charles Winchester:
You expect me to believe this, Pierce?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Charles. I swear I'm telling the naked truth. As Klinger as my witness. He was the one who switched the chairs on BJ's instructions. and it was BJ's idea that you go bareback in the OR too.

Major Charles Winchester:
Pierce, this sounds like the rantings of a lunatic. Are you telling me this is true?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Absolutely. Our own clean cut, adorable, soft spoken BJ is a perverse genius. He magnificently orchestrated things so you'd get humiliated, I'd get blamed and he'd get his jollies.

Major Charles Winchester:
My word. Machiavelli would have been proud.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
But it's not over yet. You know the old saying: he who lives by the joke shall die by the joke.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
[Viewing photos of the revenge prank on BJ] These came out great. That BJ is the living end.

Major Charles Winchester:
Proof past that behind every great man there is a great behind. [Hawk, Winchester and Kinger laugh]

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
These are wonderful. [to Klinger] What took you so long with these?

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Well, to develop photos of this sort you need more than a dark room. You need a dark alley. [Hawk, Winchester and Kinger laugh. BJ comes up behind]

Captain B.J. Hunnicut:
Ah, ah. Not funny. Not funny. [Snatches photos]

Major Charles Winchester:
My, isn't he a testy one?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
He's going to be absolutely beside himself when he sees those eight by tens on the bulletin board.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut:
No.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Yeah.

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Ahhhhhh! [Runs screaming as Hawk and Winchester laugh]

Major Charles Winchester:
[Chair glued to his behind, Winchester struggles over to the bar] Max, get me a knife!

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Major, don't! It's not worth it!

Major Charles Winchester:
For my pants! [Begins undoing belt, turns to crowd] Attention, attention all personnel! It would appear that ol' Doc Funnypants is at it again and once again, I am the butt of his joke. [Crowd boos] Please, please, please. We must all remember that the poor man is demented, he's obviously suffering from a fanny fetish. [Points at his behind, crowd laughs and applauds] Thank you all very much, you are indeed a source of inspiration during these [inhales as Klinger accidentally cuts him] difficult times. I assure you, I shall endure. [Crowd applauds. Klinger cuts away the trousers and Winchester stands up and heads for the door] Thank you Max. Thank you. [Turns] Klinger, I will need another pair of trousers. [Chuckles] Perhaps several. No telling how often I'll be torpedoed by Rear Admiral Pierce. [Mock salutes Pierce and leaves]

Col. Potter:
You'd sell your own mother!

Cho Man Chin:
Sold out.

Col. Potter:
You people - get the phone, Radar - you people have been panicking over a rumor that says the 4077 is bugging out. That is grade-A 100% bull cookies! You service people should know by now that scuttlebutt is as common as cooties in your skivvies! My apologies to those among us of the feminine gland, and our resident celibate, Father Mulcahy.

Father Mulcahy:
Thank you, sir.

Col. Potter:
My pleasure. Now, you take World War II. My unit got the word that Nazis, dressed as Eskimos, had overrun Seattle. Incredible as it seems, half my unit believed it, and began hoarding canned salmon. Now then, I have spoken personally to General Hamilton at Headquarters. I've known Bink Hamilton for going on 30 years. I am the godfather of his grandson, Sherman Potter Hamilton. 15 years old, and can name 24 of the 48 states. Already has an appointment to West Point. The general has assured me, there is nothing to worry about. M*A*S*H 4077 is definitely... [Radar hands him a message] bugging out in three hours! Bug out!

Radar:
Can you get drunk on Grape Nehi?

Hawkeye:
I don't know, let's find out.

Radar:
Incoming wounded, sir!

Col. Potter:
[has just come from the shower] Get my pants!

Radar:
You underwear?

Col. Potter:
I'll fake it... wounded come before personal chaffing.

Radar:
[looking over Jeep engine] Nothing's where it is in my mother's Nash!

Col. Potter:
[singing in the shower] I like to go swimmin' with bow-legged women and swim between their legs... swim between their legs... swim between their legs...

Hawkeye:
[about to operate on a patient] All right, folks, time to beat your feet on the Mississippi mud.

Col. Sherman Potter:
[Referring to Frank as he orders people around during the bug out] Where the hell did he get that whistle, anyway?

B.J.:
Same place he got his diploma: box of Cracker Jacks.

Col. Potter:
[On the rumor of a bug out] Crock of beans!

Major Franklin Marion Burns:
You called me, Colonel?

Maj. Burns:
You sent for me, sir?

Col. Potter:
Where have you been?

Maj. Burns:
When you sent for me, I thought you were kidding.

Col. Potter:
I don't kid, skeezix. I called you to put you in charge of this bug-out.

Maj. Burns:
Me?

Col. Potter:
No choice, you're second-in-command.

Maj. Burns:
Hot diggity dog!

Col. Potter:
I'm going up in the chopper to scout a new location. You ever bugged out before?

Maj. Burns:
Oh, no sir, not intentionally. Is this a drill, colonel?

Col. Potter:
No, it's the real McCoy. Keep an eye on the patients. Sometimes we lose them on these moves.

Maj. Burns:
A human life is more important than a kitchen stove.

Col. Potter:
Don't recite, listen. Load in this order: [Frank takes out a notepad] 1 - pharmacy, 2 - lab, 3 - x-ray, 4 - pre-op, 5 - OR following the last stitch, 6 - HQ, 7 - mess tent, 8 - post-op.

Maj. Burns:
[writing] One - pharmacy...

Col. Potter:
Saddle up!

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly:
[Trapper and Hawkeye are talking during the movie] Will you sirs kindly mind? It's Shirley Temple!

Trapper:
She's not really a kid, Radar.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Her mother stunted her growth - made her sleep in a short bed and smoke. She's 42 years old.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
If we don't go crazy once in a while, we'll all go crazy.

Major Franklin Marion Burns:
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
[calming his patients] We're safe as long as they keep aiming at us.

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Man answers his own phone. Must be a Unitarian.

Klinger:
You rattled the rafters, sir?

Drunken G.I.:
She dumped me for a college boy. Do you think a college guy is better than me?

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
...which college?

Hawkeye:
You know that little shot you gave me for the flu?

Margaret:
Yes.

Hawkeye:
Well it worked, I got it.

Margaret:
Are you sure?

Hawkeye:
I've got enough nausea to light up the city of Toledo, okay? First I'm hot, then I'm cold, and my knees are in business for themselves. My tongue has gone cashmere, and I'd like to find an all night latrine that takes servicemen. Now, have I got the flu or am I just in love?

Margaret:
Do you think you can operate?

Hawkeye:
I've got to. What am I going to tell the casualties? To stop bleeding until I feel better?

Hawkeye:
[Hawkeye takes out the thermometer]

Margaret:
I want to see if you have a fever.

Hawkeye:
Oh, trust me. I've got fever to burn.

Hawkeye:
Radar, you'll be assisting Margaret Houlihan, nurse, friend and all around good egg.

[walks away as Radar stares at Margaret]

Margaret:
[noticing Radar staring at her] He's very sick.

Hawkeye:
[He's just given Radar a long list of orders] Go!

Margaret:
[Upset that Hawkeye is giving orders] Stay!

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly:
She outranks you. She's got more things on her uniform.

Hawkeye:
She's got more things IN her uniform, but GO!

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
What do we got to lose?

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
For one thing, me. These hands work on nothing lower than an appendectomy.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Well, our loss is our gain.

Hawkeye:
Okay, Klinger, you're on. But you better know what you're doing.

Cpl. Maxwell Klinger:
Trust me. I know cement and it's not that hard.

Cpl. Maxwell Klinger:
[the officers are making a concrete floor] Let's start moving! Let's start moving! This is your foreman.

Hawkeye:
Wait a minute, wait a minute, who made you the foreman?

Cpl. Maxwell Klinger:
Well, I thought the selection was automatic, considering my background.

Hawkeye:
Well you can take your background and go sit in the background.

Cpl. Maxwell Klinger:
Have it your way, BOSS. But one quick question before I go: what's the formula for mixing concrete?

Hawkeye:
Why don't you handle this one, Beej?

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Don't look at me, talk to the foreman.

Cpl. Maxwell Klinger:
[Charles is painting a caution sign] How come you got the easy job and we had to bust our buns?

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
Very well. Klinger, how do you spell 'caution'?

Cpl. Maxwell Klinger:
C-A-W...

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
I rest my case.

Charles:
What on earth are you talking about and in what language are you saying it?

Ignazio:
How can you not see she love you?

Margaret:
I don't love him!

Charles:
That's one way.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
[after Charles walks right onto their newly poured concrete floor] That does it, Charles. I'm throwing in the trowel.

Col. Sherman Potter:
[Dedicating the new cement floor in O.R] Special thanks to Captains Pierce and Hunnicut for going over my head right to Corporal Klinger. Next, to Major Winchester.

Cpl. Maxwell Klinger:
[Everybody groans] Why Major Winchester?

Margaret:
He didn't do a thing. He didn't even lift a shovel!

Col. Sherman Potter:
Pipe down, pipe down. This is an operating room. As I was saying, here's to Major Winchester for showing that a man can be neat, clean, and bathed, and still end up smelling bad.

Cpl. Maxwell Klinger:
[Charles groans] Now that's more like it.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Yes sir, Corporal. Yes, sir.

Hawkeye:
[to Charles, who refuses to help] Pick up that hoe, or I'll have you spayed.

Hawkeye:
We need to have a staff meeting about these staph infections.

Col. Potter:
[first day in camp; reviewing officer files] Major Margaret Houlihan.

Margaret:
Sir!

Col. Potter:
Ten years, spotless record.

Margaret:
Thank you, sir!

Col. Potter:
Major Frank Burns.

Margaret:
Just friends, sir.

Col. Potter:
[meeting Hawkeye for the first time after reviewing his personnel file] I take it you drink?

Hawkeye:
Only to excess.

Klinger:
Colonel Potter, sir; Corporal Klinger. I'm section eight, Head to toe. I'm wearing a Warner bra. I like to play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out.

Col. Potter:
Horse-hockey.

Radar:
[to Colonel Potter, as they meet] Your permission, sir, to cover up my nakedidity?

Col. Potter:
Horse hockey. I've seen these dodges for forty years, all the tricks. I knew one private said he was a mare, carried a colt in his arms for weeks. Another fella said he was a daisy, insisted we water him every morning. No, corporal, it ain't gonna go with me. Now you get out of that fru-fru and into a uniform and you STAY in uniform. Dismissed!

Klinger:
[to Radar who has just walked in] Radar, I'm finished! I gotta burn my bloomers!

Radar:
[camp announcement] By order of the Commanding Officer, all officers to the Commanding Officer's office, sirs.

Maj. Frank Burns:
Another week in command, and I'd have had you out of that dress!

Klinger:
I'm not that easy.

Radar:
Klinger, no!

Klinger:
I saw him pull in. This is my chance!

Radar:
He's got a saddle.

Klinger:
I don't care.

Radar:
He's regular army!

Klinger:
And I'm regular crazy!

Radar:
[Radar is sunning himself. Colonel Potter arrives and honks] Stick that horn in your ear!

Col. Potter:
On your feet, I'm Colonel Potter.

Col. Potter:
[Wondering about the name] Why "Radar"?

Radar:
Well, uh, sometimes I can tell what's gonna happen before it happens.

Frank Burns:
Another week in command and I'd have had you out of that dress.

Klinger:
I'm not that easy!

Captain B.J. Hunnicut:
[Turning Major Burns' bed into a bar] What do we call it?

Hawkeye:
It's in the corner. Let's call it The Corner Bar. It's been used. I got it! "Frank's Bed" now doing business as "Joe's Bar and Grill".

Captain B.J. Hunnicut:
If my wife calls, I'm not here.

Hawkeye:
Henry would've loved this.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut:
Fair man with a bottle, you say?

Hawkeye:
Henry? He could have been a competition drinker. The man was born with a spare tank. I really miss him.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut:
How about the Henry Blake Memorial Bar?

Hawkeye:
I'll buy that. Let's break it in. I'll throw out the first drunk. With any luck it'll be me.

Col. Potter:
[Col. Potter is drinking with Hawkeye and BJ] I had a 'still on Guam in WW2. One night it blew up! That's how I got my Purple Heart...

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
[speaking to the nurses] Alright, girls. Attention please. Now, I will give you the preliminary exam and then the doctors will go to work on you. Bear in mind that you are the cream of American military womanhood... serving your Uncle Sam, and entitled to dignity. No smart remarks, no insinuations, sex- or smut-wise. You are women, desirable women... most of you. But army regulations forbid any doctor to assist you from undressing into disrobement. Further, they can do nothing, NOTHING when you are alone with them but give you a good going over. Now, when I call your name, please scream.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
[They both think Trapper is going home] Thanks, Trap.

Captain John McIntyre:
What?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
You made it bearable. I was lucky. You were honest, and open. You let me lean on you.

Captain John McIntyre:
No charge.

Henry Blake:
Burns says the operating room is becoming impossible.

Hawkeye:
He's right, I agree. All that blood and everything, and those sick people - it's terrible.

Henry Blake:
[Col. Blake has just appointed Hawkeye as chief surgeon] Hawkeye, don't let me down.

Hawkeye:
[wearing his underwear and bathrobe] Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?

Henry Blake:
The job will be a killer.

Frank Burns:
I can adjust.

Henry Blake:
I hope you can. I'm giving it to Pierce.

Hawkeye:
Oh, thanks.

Frank Burns:
*What*? You can't! I won't stand for it!

Henry Blake:
Frank, the one thing that will get you nowhere with me is impersonating my wife.

Frank Burns:
Well, what about rank?

Hawkeye:
Can I help it if I'm not as rank as you?

Frank Burns:
This is unheard of!

Henry Blake:
Face it, Pierce is the best cutter in the outfit. He's certified in chest and general surgery. Frank, in case you haven't read the papers, there's a war on. We're here to patch guys together. We can't be so GI we lose patients!

Frank Burns:
Are you implying that he's a better doctor?

Henry Blake:
Yes, when the heat's on!

Frank Burns:
I have got oak leaves on my shoulders.

Henry Blake:
And I've got dimples on my butt.

Frank Burns:
Haven't you two anything better to do when you're off duty than to lie around and swill gin?

Hawkeye:
SWILL gin?' Sir, I have sipped, lapped and taken gin intravenously, but I have NEVER swilled!

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Halt!

Henry Blake:
Klinger!

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Who goes there?

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker:
The man's NAKED!

Hawkeye:
Aw, come on, Klinger, put on a dress or something.

Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre:
At least a slip!

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker:
May I make a suggestion about Major Burns?

Henry Blake:
Yes, Sir.

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker:
Give him a high colonic and send him on a ten-mile hike.

Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre:
With full pack.

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker:
Good touch.

Hawkeye:
Threes and nines are wild. If you want, you can buy a new card on an open four.

Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre:
Except February, which has 28.

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker:
Pierce, you're in very deep trouble.

Hawkeye:
I don't think so, I can beat a pair of twos.

Hawkeye:
How would you like a spleen across the mouth?

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker:
Doesn't anybody in this outfit ever go to sleep?

Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly:
Only on duty, sir.

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker:
Nurse, is everybody around here crazy?

Lt. Ginger Bayliss:
Everybody who's sane is, sir.

Hawkeye:
Whatever it is, Henry, it better be good.

Frank Burns:
He's out of uniform, as usual.

Hawkeye:
I tried sleeping in my uniform, Frank, but my medals keep stabbing me.

Henry Blake:
[after making Hawkeye Chief Surgeon] Hawkeye? Don't let me down.

Hawkeye:
[in his bath robe] Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker:
[to Major Margaret Houlihan] Be with you as soon as I can. [Barker then sees Frank Burns sneaking out of Margaret's tent. The two lock eyes]

Frank Burns:
[nervously] Bet this looks funny.

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker:
Bet it doesn't.

[Klinger's first appearance on "M*A*S*H"]

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
[on guard duty] Halt! Friend or foe?

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker:
I'm General Barker!

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
How do I know you're not one of *them* with a clever makeup job?

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker:
Corporal Klinger, isn't it?

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
[smiles] Right!

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker:
[notes Klinger's dress] Still trying to get out on a psycho, eh, Klinger? I can tell you, it'll take a lot more than this.

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Then I'll just have to keep trying, Mary!

[Klinger skips off, like a little girl]

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker:
This place is a madhouse, Henry! A nut farm!

Henry Blake:
Gee whiz, that's a bit strong, sir.

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker:
Do you realize you've a man on guard duty who's wearing a skirt?

Henry Blake:
Luckily he's got the legs for it.

Father Mulcahy:
Remember, my son, patience is a virtue.

Hawkeye:
And you're taxing my virtue.

[Hawkeye is the temporary CO]

Hawkeye:
I don't know how to give orders.

Col. Potter:
That's all right. No one around here knows how to take 'em.

Hawkeye:
Damn that Hunnicutt! Technically, he's AWOL. I could throw the book at him.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
I don't believe what I'm hearing! Since when did you join the Army?

Hawkeye:
Since it was left to me!

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
If only Frank Burns could see you now. It isn't so easy to be the clown when you have to run the circus, is it?

Hawkeye:
Are you finished?

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
One more thing... permission to say, 'serves you right, sir!'

Hawkeye:
Permission denied, dismissed!

Hawkeye:
Now I know why they shoot people at sunrise. Who wants to live at six in the morning?

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly:
Every day like clockwork you've gotta fill out your DD-5 and your DD-5a.

Hawkeye:
I dee-dee do?

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
[after Margaret decks Hawkeye] Hell hath no fury like a woman sustained.

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
With the exception of one small moment of glory in the operating room, it was for them a total disaster. [pause] Why are you smiling?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Who's smiling? I'm not smiling. [to BJ] Why are you smiling?

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
I'm not smiling.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
[to Col. Potter] Why are you smiling?

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
I'm not smiling. This is serious.

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
All right, I'll do it. But when I come back there better not be any smiling.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan, Capt. B.J. Hunnicut, Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Who's smiling?

Henry Blake:
Jeep crash. Tent... boom... crash... kill.

Henry Blake:
[after the latrine explodes while he's in it] "Boom!"

[about the golf course he and Trapper set up on the camp]

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
It's a par 29.

Henry Blake:
[in a chopper] Shouldn't I have a parachute?

John 'Cowboy' Hodges:
It'll only break your fall.

Henry Blake:
That's not funny.

John 'Cowboy' Hodges:
Neither was you not letting me go home!

Henry Blake:
Okay, Trapper! Don't think I don't know what you think I don't know!

Captain John McIntyre:
[to Hawkeye] Would you translate that, please?

Henry Blake:
Where were you tonight when that jeep went through my quarters?

Captain John McIntyre:
[Jumping to his feet, startled] When the what went through your where?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
He was right here!

Henry Blake:
Oh, yeah? And just where is here?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Here is where we are.

Henry Blake:
[Deflating] Oh. This here here?

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
[playacting] "What did you do in the war, Daddy?"

Hawkeye:
"I was latrine officer, son. My outfit never made a move without me!"

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
[throwing papers into the stove] Hey, should we leave in the staples?

Hawkeye:
Damn the staples, man. This is war. Everyone has to live dangerously.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
[the door opens and lets in a blast of cold air. Radar comes in with men carrying cots] Hey, close the door!

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly:
Okay, guys, put 'em right in here.

Hawkeye:
What's going on?

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly:
[holding up clipboard] New sleeping arrangements, by order of Corporal O'Reilly, housing officer.

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly:
[Trapper grabs the clipboard and throws it in the stove] Hey!

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
By order of Captain McIntyre, heating officer.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
All right, people, I'm gonna give it to you straight. Starting right here and now, we're all going to have to put our shoulders to the wheel, our noses to the grindstone. We've got to hunker down and pull together, all for one and one for all.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
Welcome to the Henry Blake Cliche Festival.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
Radar will be the housing officer. Now, before this is over, we may have to double up or even triple up to save heat. Radar will decide who sleeps with who.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
Radar, I'd like to see you right after the meeting.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
[Blake and Radar come into the Swamp for the night] Colonel Blake's party!

Hawkeye:
We have your reservation, sir. A single bed for yourself and a cradle for your son.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
Let's not have a lot of tongue-wagging in here tonight.

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly:
Which bed should I take, sir?

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
Well, let me face away from everybody, Radar, on account of me snoring.

Hawkeye:
Oh, lovely!

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
Henry, you're joking.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
Joking? Heh. I could be on the Olympic Snoring team. I snored the siding half off of my house. I even got a fan letter once from the seismograph people at Fordham.

Hawkeye:
How are we supposed to sleep with that?

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
Well, if it gets too bad, just do what my wife does.

Hawkeye:
What's that?

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
[smiling] Hold me close!

Hawkeye:
[in son's voice] What did you do in the war daddy?

[in fatherly tone]

Hawkeye:
Oh, I was Latrine Officer son. My outfit never made a move without me.

Frank Burns:
[looking at Klinger] What's he doing in here?

Hawkeye:
Sharing our tent.

Frank Burns:
Not on your nellie. You won't catch me sleeping with an enlisted man.

Hawkeye:
Frank...

Frank Burns:
Hmm?

Hawkeye:
Just wrap yourself in the flag and go to sleep.

Trapper:
And don't get in bed with that gun. That's an order.

Frank Burns:
A captain can't give a major an order.

Hawkeye:
Then it's a threat.

Frank Burns:
Well, that's different. This was a great war until you guys showed up.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
[everything in his office had been used for kindling] I mean, I'm speaking to you from deep inside a real big empty.

Radar:
[as Hawkeye and Trapper wrestle with Frank Burns, for his battery-warmed socks] They're hunting socks, sir.

Henry Blake:
At this hour?

Frank Burns:
What would have happened in 1776 if the Minutemen on their way to Concord had stopped to worry about toilet paper?

Hawkeye:
So we would have had independence ten minutes later.

Henry Blake:
This will be a real test of my leadershipmanship.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
[prayer before bed with all the guys in the SWAMP] "Now I lay me down to sleep, a bag of peanuts at my feet. If I should die before I before I wake, give them to my brother Jake."

Hawkeye:
Okay, moving right along now, dealer's choice, five card stud. Sidney, what's the psychiatric basis for gambling?

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
Sex.

Hawkeye:
Why?

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
I don't know. They told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.

Hawkeye:
Thank you, doctor.

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
I'm taking a five-dollar chip. That was a house call.

Army Capt. Halloran:
[sitting down beside Cpl. Klinger, and seeing him in drag for the first time] Hey... Up close, you're a guy!

Cpl. Klinger:
Far away too.

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly:
If you want a drink, sir, - compliments Henry Blake - brandy, scotch, vodka. And for your convenience, all in the same bottle.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it, or order five more.

Maj. Frank Burns:
There's a war on, and we've no time for violence!

Pvt. Carter:
You've got no clothes on.

Maj. Frank Burns:
Well I like to take them off when I have a shower.

Army Capt. Halloran:
What was that?

Maj. Frank Burns:
He's pretending to be violent.

Army Capt. Halloran:
Good imitation.

Army Capt. Halloran:
[about Klinger] What about her?

Capt. Sam Pak:
She's my wife.

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
Interesting joke, Sam.

Capt. Sam Pak:
Thanks for seeing me, Sidney.

Hawkeye:
[after a patient starts shooting in the compound] Sidney, front and center.

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch.

Army Capt. Halloran:
One bullet. That's all I need.

Hawkeye:
Ok, one bullet. Just don't use the gun.

Frank Burns:
[about Capt. Halloran joining "The Conference"] Amazing! Anyone who comes in here is instantly corrupted!

Hawkeye:
Hurry up, Frank. The good ship Lollipop is leaving.

Henry Blake:
[Hawkeye and Sidney are joking around off camera] Are we here to play cards or chew the fat?

Capt. Sam Pak:
If I want to chew the fat, I'll eat a sandwich.

Capt. Sam Pak:
[Radar has allegedly struck a Korean with a Jeep, and the man wants money from him] Well, you know what you got there, Henry. You got the famous Whiplash Wang.

[an angry soldier is firing a weapon in the compound]

Henry Blake:
Radar, what's going on?

Radar:
It's a patient, sir. He blew his cork.

Hawkeye:
Sidney, front and center.

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch.

Klinger:
["The Conference" is under way] Five clams.

Trapper:
I'm out.

Henry Blake:
I'm in.

Hawkeye:
I wonder what the chances are of my getting the fifth Jack? Oh well not to worry. [Calls]

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
Your five, and up five.

Klinger:
That's mean.

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
I'm gonna beat the pants off ya, lady.

Trapper:
Hey! Where'd we get the kosher salami?

Capt. Sam Pak:
I brought it! A little girl I knew at Berkley sent it. She's a yenta now.

Klinger:
All right, all right. Here we go. Down and dirty! [deals the next cards]

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
[groaning at his hand] Aiyeeeee!

Hawkeye:
What's your problem, poker face?

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
I'm "committing suicide."

Henry Blake:
Go out in turn, Sidney. Whoops, just found something... but i'll check.

Hawkeye:
Hey, I bought the fifth Jack... i'm out.

Klinger:
Dealer bets ten bucks! [tosses in the bet] Colonel?

Henry Blake:
[Radar enters behind him trying to get his attention, Blake is fondling his chips] Let's see here.

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
Fondling your chips is very infantile.

Henry Blake:
Not now, Sidney.

Radar:
But sir...

Henry Blake:
Not now, Radar.

Radar:
Yeah, but sir...

Henry Blake:
Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it, or order five more!

Radar:
Sir?

Hawkeye, Dr. Sidney Freedman, Army Capt. Halloran, Trapper, Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
Yes?

Radar:
Colonel sir?

Hawkeye:
[after barging in and startling Charles, causing him to spill his wine on himself] Guess who, Charles!

B.J.:
We're back!

Charles:
You're like a belch from a bad onion!

B.J.:
[All five men are drunk] Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute! Kwang, am I crazy, or-or is your English improving?

Hawkeye:
Yeah.

Charles:
Yeah.

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Yeah, youz-you talkin' real good right now.

Kwang:
Ah, yeah. W- Aaah, it must be the whiskey.

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Ah.

Kwang:
Fill me up, Charlie.

Charles:
How dare, do you realize who you're tal- a day ago, I employ- oh, what the hell. [pours Kwang some whiskey]

Henry Blake:
[stammering] Uh, now, uh, the, uh, [clears throat] excuse me, uh, the, uh, union of, uh, figure A, man, and, uh, figure B, uh, the, uh, woman...

[chuckles from lecture audience]

Henry Blake:
...is the most s-sublime expression of, uh, romantic love. However, only in the institution of marriage is it recommended that this expression take place.

Trapper:
Uh, sir?

Henry Blake:
Mm-hmm?

Trapper:
Um, what happens in the event that, um, figure A is attracted to figure B and wants to get married, but figure A is already married to, say, figure C, and figure B is engaged to figure D, but figure A can't keep his hands off of figure B because she's got such a great figure?

Henry Blake:
Uh-huh. Uh, well, according to the army, he's got to forget her.

Hawkeye:
That figures.

P.A. Announcer:
The glee club meets in the mess tent at 0800 hours. The first number on tonight's schedule is, uh, Father Mulcahy's solo, "I'm Confessin' That I Love You."

Hawkeye:
Frank, you are ten of the most boring people I know.

P.A. Announcer:
Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled.

[Father Mulcahy arranges an unconscious Major Burns on a bunk in post-op, covering for Klinger who just punched him out. An M.P., whistle blowing, bursts in]

M.P.:
What's going on, Father?

Father Mulcahy:
Shh-shh-shh. He's exhausted.

M.P.:
OK. Where's the guy that exhausted him?

Father Mulcahy:
Let me take care of it. Please?

M.P.:
[relenting] I'm not even Catholic.

Father Mulcahy:
[smiling] Would you like to be?

Sergeant:
[as Hawkeye, dressed as Santa Claus, is lowered by helicopter to treat a wounded soldier] And you said there was no Santa!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Knock knock.

Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre:
Who's there?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Abe Lincoln.

Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre:
Abe Lincoln who?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Don't you know me? [laughs hysterically]

Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre:
That's awful.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Wait, can I do another one?

Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre:
No!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Knock knock.

Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre:
Who's there?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Thomas Jefferson.

Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre:
Thomas Jefferson who?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Was Abe Lincoln just here? [laughs even more hysterically]

Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre:
Hawkeye, I've never liked you.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
[writing a letter to his dad] It's very quiet at the moment, Dad. The only man in sight is Radar O'Reilly, an amazing kid. I've never put much stock in E.S.P. but if it is possible for one person to read another person's mind Radar has that ability, the little fink. [Radar passes by]

Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly:
Is that a nice thing to say?

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger:
[Klinger comes into the Swamp wearing a white wedding dress] Uh, Klinger... do you mind a little constructive criticism?

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger:
No, sir.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
First of all, it's gorgeous. It's easy to go overboard with one of those things, but that's tasteful without being gaudy.

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Thank you, sir.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Just one suggestion: You must wear a slip! With the sun behind you, I can see clear through to your shorts.

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Of course! And I've got so many slips in my tent.

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger:
[Hawkeye walks into the mess tent stark naked] Now *that's* tasteful without being gaudy!

Major Franklin Marion Burns:
Can't you ever be serious?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
I tried it once, but everybody laughed.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
A white wedding gown?

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger:
I'm entitled. I'm a virgin.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
[drinking] Frank, go slow, that stuff'll take the paint off your stomach.

Captain John McIntyre:
Understand you're in need of a medical man here.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
I see you couldn't find one.

Condon:
[a racist, who insisted his blood transfusion come from a white donor] What are you guys trying to do to me? Did you give me the wrong color blood or not?

Trapper:
All blood is the same.

Hawkeye:
You ever hear of Dr Charles Drew, soldier?

Condon:
Who's that?

Hawkeye:
Dr Drew invented the process for separating blood so it can be stored.

Trapper:
Plasma.

Hawkeye:
He died last April after a car accident in North Carolina.

Trapper:
He bled to death. The hospital wouldn't let him in.

Hawkeye:
It was for whites only.

Nurse:
Radar, everyone says you're a virgin. Is that true?

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly:
I don't know.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake:
[watching old home movies] That's Milt Jaffe, the gynecologist from next door.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Oh, that's handy. Everyone should have a gynecologist next door.

Captain John McIntyre:
I hate to ask what's on the other side.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
[Milt's very attractive wife comes up on screen] Ohh!

Captain John McIntyre:
Yeah! Hey, hey!

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake:
Boy, that Sylvia Jaffe is loaded for bear. [Henry and Sylvia ham it up on screen with fake kiss and are caught by Milt. Laughs, Imitates Silent Movie Music]

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
[in letter to dad] We just heard General Eisenhower is going to run for president. What some people will do to get out of the Army.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
[Trapper is serving him a martini] Not too much - I'm praying later.

Col. Potter:
I learned about foot care in World War I from Captain Harry S Truman, no less. He had a great pair of feet.

Hawkeye:
Imprints of which may be found on General MacArthur's backside.

Hawkeye:
What a unique device, the human tush. An architectural wonder, one of a kind... actually two of a kind. Designed to support our weight for a lifetime of sitting it also has the subtlety to do the samba. And when attached to certain members of the female species at a time when light summer dresses are worn can cause some of us to drive our cars straight up a lamppost.

Cho:
[Frank and Hot Lips want a wooden bust of Colonel Potter carved] Hmm. Lotsa work. Two assistants. Electric light at night. Overtime. Hmm. Six bucks.

Maj. Frank Burns:
[unsure] Well...

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
Frank, These people have no espect-ray unless you aggle-hay over the ice-pray.

Maj. Frank Burns:
Five dollars.

Cho:
Seven-fifty.

Maj. Frank Burns:
Sold!

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
[glares at Frank] Umb-day!

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
[tearfully accepts Radar's gift of a horse, then slips on something]

Maj. Frank Burns:
That's disgusting!

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Son, to me that's a tip-toe through the tulips. [big smile]

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
[after watching Radar gently approach and lasso the wild horse] If only I could do that with nurses.

Maj. Frank Burns:
So you do carve.

Cho:
Oh yes, look at this [presents a piece of lumber], used to be round.

Maj. Frank Burns:
Looks like a 2x4.

Cho:
Thank you.

Hawkeye:
[a Western movie is being shown] Three to one I'll take the Indians.

B.J.:
It's a bet; five bucks. What's the name of this picture?

Hawkeye:
Custer's Last Stand.

[Describing Frank and Hot Lips in a letter to his wife]

Col. Potter:
She's the head nurse. He's the head twerp.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
[angry about overlooked shrapnel on an xray] Frank, you can't just look around, you have to feel around.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
He does.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
I mean during surgery.

[last lines]

Lt.:
[paces back and forth outside post-op, then sits down on a bench, then begins to kneel in prayer when the door opens - turns] Is he going to make it?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Well, we could get bombed, there could be an earthquake, or Frank could operate on him again!

Maj. Frank Burns:
Twerp!

Local Koreans (uncredited):
[on Hawkeye's cue] You tell 'em, Ferret-face!

Col. Hollister:
[at the end of a stern lecture to Father Mulcahy] Now I have to get back to my tent and drink my Milk of Magnesia and do three push-ups.

nurse:
[worried about the strenuousness of piling people into jeep] Could I get a hernia?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Certainly. But rent one first, see if you like it.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
[lecturing Klinger] None of us wants to be here. I don't wanna be here. Radar doesn't want to be here. The doctors, the nurses. Certainly the wounded don't want to be here. But we've got to do our best. Understand, son?

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
I'm trying.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
Then get your butt in high gear and get back to work!

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
That your last offer?

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
You got it! Out!

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Yes, sir. [Klinger exits, as Major Burns enters]

Maj. Frank Burns:
Colonel, can I see you?

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
Do I have a choice?

Maj. Frank Burns:
It's about Captain Pierce.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
He sew up your fly again?

Maj. Frank Burns:
No, sir.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
He spit at you?

Maj. Frank Burns:
He's stuffing a bunch of personnel into a jeep! Something about setting a world's record.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
[Chuckles] He's a pistol. Burns, can't you see Pierce is just trying to boost morale?

Maj. Frank Burns:
Well, my morale is fine. I love it here.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
[Stares at Burns] Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I've got to figure out which one.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
[after Klinger is brought in by MP's dressed as a Korean peasant girl] What's the big idea, Klinger?

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
[looks up] How'd you know?

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
Korean women are not known for hairy knuckles!

Maj. Sidney Freedman:
Anger turned inwards is depression. Anger turned sideways... is Hawkeye.

Maj. Frank Burns:
[sits up on his bed after overhearing a conversation] Well, well...

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Oh, I thought that lump under his covers was dirty laundry.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
It is.

[as the surgeons operate on an eight-year-old Korean girl]

Col. Potter:
Someone dropped a bomb on her village from an airplane.

Captain Hathaway:
Who did it?

Hawkeye:
He just dropped it. He didn't autograph it.

Captain Hathaway:
No, I mean was it one of theirs or one of ours?

Col. Potter:
What difference does that make?

Captain Hathaway:
A lot. It makes a lot of difference.

Col. Potter:
Not to her.

Hawkeye:
Nurse! Nurse!

Nurse:
Did you call me, Doctor?

Hawkeye:
Why should I call you "Doctor"? I'm the surgeon.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
We couldn't help but notice that you came for the poker game and stayed two weeks.

Maj. Sidney Freedman:
Well, I just wanted a little vacation.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Sydney, Venice is a vacation. The Swiss Alps is a vacation. This is a fungus convention in Atlantic City.

Captain Hathaway:
[Has just come out of the operating room, shaken seeing a young girl who was wounded when her village was bombed] You put me there on purpose, didn't you?

Hawkeye:
Yep.

Captain Hathaway:
You're a real S.O.B., you know that?

Hawkeye:
Look, you seem like a decent guy, too decent to think this can be anything like a clean war.

Captain Hathaway:
From up there, it is... was. She's just a little baby.

Captain Hathaway:
[Chokes up] Sorry.

Hawkeye:
It's okay. 20,000 feet is a long way to come down.

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
[On the phone with Radar's mother, who is about to deliver a calf] Alright, listen carefully, Mrs. O'Reilly. You're going to have to put your hand inside the cow and turn the calf around.

Radar:
[grossed out] OH! OOOH, MAN! Oh, boy! Father. [Father Mulcahy sits him down] WHOA, BOY! OH! OH!

Radar:
Our cow's in labor.

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
You held up a phone call to my sister so that he could bless a COW?

Radar:
Well, cows are people too, ya know.

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
And I'm arguing with him.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
I understand the cook made us a traditional Christmas dinner.

Cpl. Igor Straminsky:
Right, turkey on shingles with cranberry sausage.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
[B.J. is dressed as Santa Claus] Listen, fella, I've actually seen Santa Claus. I sat on his lap once. And I'm here to tell you, you ain't him.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
How can you tell, Virginia?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Well in the first place, is that a brown mustache or are you eating a mouse?

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Listen, I don't cover up this mustache for nobody, fella. Buzz off.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Gee. whatever happened to 'ho ho ho'?

Radar:
[Father Mulcahey is about to bless Radar's cow in Iowa over the phone] Do you think you can do it in Methodist?

Father Francis Mulcahy:
I'm a piano player, Radar. I'll transpose.

Radar:
Oh! It's coming out backwards!

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
Like everything else around here.

[after learning that I-Corps will not replace a foot locker unless it was damaged in combat, Margaret solves the problem by shooting her broken foot locker with Charles's double-barrel shotgun]

Margaret:
There I was, alone in my tent! Suddenly, a sniper leaped out at me, and fired two shots! Bang! Bang! Without hesitation, my valiant foot locker threw itself into the direct line of fire, giving its life that I might live! [she gives Klinger the foot locker] Now take this worthless piece of junk, and get me a new one! And make it fast, or I'll use the same technique to replace a defective company clerk!

Margaret:
Who the hell are you supposed to be?

Charles:
This is the latest in hunting attire from Abercrombie & Fitch.

Margaret:
Well, you look like an overgrown bagpipe.

Lt.:
[singing] There's no one singing war songs now like people used to do; No "Over There," no "Praise the Lord," no "Glory Hallelu". Perhaps at last we've asked ourselves what we should have asked before: With the pain and death this madness brings, what were we ever singing for?

[Major Winchester shoots a pheasant; there is an explosion when it hits the ground]

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Holy Toledo! Either that bird hit a land mine, or you just shot down a Kamikaze pigeon!

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
I'm writing my Uncle Abdul about what it's like over here-doctors, nurses, saving lives. Well, I got a commanding officer who dresses me up in his clothes and sits me on a horse named Sophie so he can paint his own picture. There's a priest writing war ditties. And a snooty major who pays me twenty bucks to go out into the woods with him and watch him blow up a pigeon with a land mine. And if that doesn't beat all, I got a head nurse who shoots unarmed luggage. All you guys do is tell jokes. What the hell's so funny about that?

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Come on, Hawk, let's go before they run out of powdered egg nog.

Hawkeye:
[exits The Swamp wearing glasses and a fake nose] All right, all right. Don't rush me. I barely had time to put on my face.

Choi Sung Ho:
The candy would have brought great joy to the children for a few moments, but on the black market it was worth enough rice and cabbage to feed them for a month.

Major Charles Winchester:
It is sadly inappropriate to give dessert to a child who's had no meal.

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
The way you guys work with burns, and sew up bellies. Makes me proud every time I throw up.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
[Upon seeing the dozens of tongue depressor boxes] Oh, the new neighbors must be moving into that vacant tent down the block.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Gee, I hope they have some kids my age.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
There is no humor in this, gents. That dumb trucker just stuck us with five hundred thousand tongue depressors.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
[laughing] No wonder you look so down in the mouth.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Five hundred thousand?

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
I'm getting' too old for this. I should've taken the severance pay in twenty-eight, started that dude ranch. Damn zoning laws.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Half a million tongue depressors. Do you know how depressing that is?

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Why do you always see the olive-drab side of things? The Army didn't intend to send them all here. You ever heard of a snafu?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Snafu, phooey. We wouldn't have this supply if they didn't think there would be a demand. Tongue depressors, doctors, soldiers...we're all the same. [Picks up a depressor] Trapper John goes. No problem, there's plenty more where he came from. [Tosses it aside and picks up another] B.J. Hunnicut. Same size, same shape. [Picks up two more] Frank Burns out, Winchester in. Only a hair's difference. [Picks up another] Henry Blake...[snaps it in half] Rest in peace, Henry. In coming, Sherman Potter. [sighs] My God. Hasn't this elimination tournament gone on long enough?

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
[Regarding Hawk's 'Foundation of the Washington Monument'] Excuse my impertinence, but if all these sticks were laid end to end... and they are... what would they be?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
They would be... and are... the foundation for the Washington Monument.

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
Don't they already have one of those some place?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
That on commemorates Washington the man, who crossed the Delaware and gave his wooden teeth. This one commemorates Washington the place, which sends us across the Pacific and gives us wooden legs.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
Me, advertise? Huh! I can think of better ways of spending two dollars.

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
It's not spending. It's investing. With the flock that's gonna come flocking in, you'll need a duffel bag for a collection plate.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
Oh, very well, Klinger. I'll take the ad.

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
Terrific.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
Always willing to help an enterprising young man get a start.

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
I got the whole thing beautifully designed in my head. I'll tell you how it comes out.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
Won't I be able to see it?

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
You want to see it! Oh, foolish me. I completely forgot to mention subscriptions.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
Subscriptions?

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
Glad you asked. Because I like you, I'm instituting a man-of-the-cloth discount. My special pearly rates: two dollars a month or twenty-five dollars a year.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
All right! All right, all right. Here's another two dollars.

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
Thank you, Father. One more dollar, and we're even.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
What? I thought you said two dollars a month!

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
That's for subscriptions. Now I gotta raise the advertising rate. Circulation just doubled.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
Klinger, how would you like to see your circulation cut off?

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
Wonderful. See? Another satisfied customer.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Congratulations. You've just committed a very original sin.

Frank Burns:
Why is someone's appendix in this boot?

Hawkeye:
Because the other one is full of tonsils.

Gen. Crandell Clayton:
[catching Captain Hildebrand drinking on the job] Captain Hildebrand!

Captain Hildebrand:
These guys make a gin that can melt your dog tags.

Hawkeye:
Comes from a recipe first brewed in Hermann Goering's navel and handed down from war to war.

Gen. Crandell Clayton:
You had a mission here, Captain.

Captain Hildebrand:
Oh, I've done it. I can give you your report. In my short stay here I have seen textbook examples of neuroses, psychoses. I have seen voyeurism, fetishism, and a few isms I've never even heard of. And let me tell you this, General. These impossible people are in an impossible place, doing totally impossible work. They're mad, quite mad, all of them. And the only act I can think of that would be madder still, would be breaking them up.

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake:
Alright, who ordered the pepperoni pizza?

Major Margaret Houlihan:
[about Hawkeye and Trapper] There isn't a nurse in this camp they haven't tried to molest.

Captain John McIntyre:
Except the male ones.

Hawkeye:
Speak for yourself.

PA announcer:
[PA announcement] Immediately following Mass this Sunday, Yom Kippur services will be held for Jewish personnel of the Hebrew faith.

Trapper:
I thought you were asleep.

Hawkeye:
Something funny is happening here, and I'm finally beginning to notice it. For the past couple of days, I've been making some very careful observations. There's a war going on here. People walking around with guns. Uniforms. Dozens of bodies coming in by helicopter and without exception, every single one of them is mangled in some way. Don't you see? It all adds up. There's guns, uniforms, wounded bodies.

Trapper:
You figured that out, huh?

Hawkeye:
I'm beginning to see a pattern.

Trapper:
[Hawkeye wakes Trapper] What - What is it?

Hawkeye:
Wake up.

Trapper:
I thought you were asleep.

Hawkeye:
Something funny is happening here, and I'm finally beginning to notice it. For the past couple of days, I've been making some very careful observations. There's a war going on here. People walking around with guns. Uniforms. Dozens of bodies coming in by helicopter and without exception, every single one of them is mangled in some way. Don't you see? It all adds up. There's guns, uniforms, wounded bodies.

Trapper:
You figured that out, huh?

Hawkeye:
I'm beginning to see a pattern.

Trapper:
Why don't you go to sleep? You're turning into a 170-pound fruitcake.

Hawkeye:
If I thought I could stop it just by going to sleep, don't you think I'd try?

Trapper:
Look, close your bulbs, and it all goes away. Two or three hours later, it'll be tomorrow. If that gets unbearable, you check out again. See how it works.

Hawkeye:
Somebody - and it wasn't you or me - started this war. Now who was it? What, did two guys slap each other with gloves and challenge themselves? It isn't Pearl Harbor, we already had one of those. I-I gotta find out who started it.

Trapper:
And then what?

Hawkeye:
And then I'll get them to call it off.

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake:
Do we have enough sherry and ginger ale for the general?

Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly:
Oh, nobody does, sir.

Hawkeye:
Hello, bed. It's me, Captain Pierce. I'm coming in there.

Hawkeye:
[Frank explains half of the North Koreans have never seen a bathroom] They want bathrooms?

Major Franklin Marion Burns:
You bet your life they do, and if they can't take ours through submission, they will through war.

Hawkeye:
They can have mine. I'll gladly keep my legs crossed until after the war.

Major Franklin Marion Burns:
Why are you taking a picture of the latrine?

Hawkeye:
Why are the North Koreans bombing us? What do they want? We have guns, they have guns, we have tanks, they have tanks, what could we possibly have that they want?

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake:
Some dodo has been sending telegrams to President Truman.

Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly:
Uh sir, I know who the dodo is, it's Captain Pierce.

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake:
How do you know that?

Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly:
I sent it for him.

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake:
I'm gonna be frank with you, Pierce.

Hawkeye:
You're gonna be Frank with me?

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake:
[Annoyed] I mean blunt.

Hawkeye:
Oh, that's good. Otherwise, Frank would try to be Henry with me. I don't think I could stand that.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut:
There's this little rest - little restaurant in Sausalito where a seagull sits on the windowsill. You can tell by his expression he doesn't have any idea that people shoot at each other. When I get outta here, I'm going there every day until I get that same expression on my face.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter:
Well, it's been a miserable, grueling, rotten couple of days.

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
A little shut-eye would go down great right about now.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
You can say that again. Even my teeth are dozing off.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut:
Compared to the way I feel, Rip Van Winkle was an insomniac.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Well, good night, folks. If you need me, I'll be unconscious. [People start getting up]

Major Charles Winchester:
Ah, to sleep... perchance to dream.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
[All pause, recalling their nightmares] On the other hand, maybe I'll have another cup of coffee.

Major Margaret Houlihan:
Good idea.

Major Charles Winchester:
Help keep us warm.

Father Francis Mulcahy:
I'll pour.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
A big shot of that, Father.

Major Franklin Marion Burns:
May I say, that I find this whole proposition highly

Captain John McIntyre:
Colonic?

Major Franklin Marion Burns:
Irregular.

Captain John McIntyre:
I was close.

Major Franklin Marion Burns:
And I will not partake in this unholy confluence.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Uh, Frank. I think I speak for everyone here when I say that if you don't lend your full cooperation to our little enterprise you will be stripped naked, painted purple and dropped by helicopter behind enemy lines.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
[after Edwina accidentally throws a drink on him] I don't mind a wet t-shirt. Saves me the trouble of sweating.

Nurse Edwina 'Eddie' Ferguson:
What shall we drink to? [Accidentally throws her drink on Hawkeye]

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
How about to dry clothes?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Dance with me? Carefully. [They dance. Edwina backs Hawkeye into the stove] Ow! Ow!

Nurse Edwina 'Eddie' Ferguson:
That does it! I'm hopeless! [Accidentally knocks over a tray of glasses]

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
No, no! Cheap glass, that's all that is. Who cares about that? That doesn't matter, what matters here is you... [sound of crunching glass] Ow! Ow!

Nurse Edwina 'Eddie' Ferguson:
What is it?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
I'm not wearing any shoes!Ow! Ow!

Nurse Edwina 'Eddie' Ferguson:
You poor thing, your feet must be cut to ribbons. You better lie down. [Upends Hawkeye, who falls on his cot, nearly collapsing the tent] I killed you.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
I don't have that kind of luck.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Edwina... may I kiss you?

Nurse Edwina 'Eddie' Ferguson:
Is your mouth insured?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Shh. [Nervously, they lean in close and gently lock lips. At first, Hawkeye keeps his eyes open for some sort of disaster to occur, but nothing bad happens as they finish their kiss and slowly lean away] That was nice.

Nurse Edwina 'Eddie' Ferguson:
I didn't break anything.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
No.

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
[to Zale] If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.

Maj. Frank Burns:
[about Koreans] Savages!

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Frank, those "savages" were printing with movable type in 1403.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
That's right. I was in 1402 and didn't get a wink of sleep all night.

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger:
Stray bomb appears out of nowhere. Blows up a shipment of chipped beef. What do you call that?

Lt. Father Francis John Patrick Mulcahy:
A gift from heaven.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
[Hawkeye attempts to perform an exorcism] Acetylsalicylic, Phenobarb and Arsafenamin.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
[Frank walks from the building] My God, it works.

Kyong Ja:
The exorcism would have to be performed by a Priestess. Once the spirits are gone, my grandfather would let you operate.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
We haven't got time for that.

Kyong Ja:
She's only a mile away.

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly:
I could drive her, Sir.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
You do that, Radar.

Maj. Frank Burns:
You do that Radar, and I'll have your stripes.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
You look lousy in stripes, Frank. Go ahead, Radar.

Maj. Frank Burns:
Now just a minute, Bub. U.S. Regulations do not allow for heathen rituals on government property.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Dangerous talk, Frank. If the spirits heard you say that, they'd turn you into a pumpkin, or a dedicated doctor.

Maj. Frank Burns:
Ah, bunko junko.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Run along, Radar.

Maj. Frank Burns:
Permission to run along denied!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Permission to deny denied!

Maj. Frank Burns:
You can't do that! I outrank you. I have half a mind to tell the Colonel.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
I deny you have half a mind.

Maj. Frank Burns:
Then I will see the Colonel.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
I'll deny I said anything. I'll deny I denied anything. Beat it, Radar! [Radar and Kyong Ja drive off]

Maj. Frank Burns:
Pierce, you are the most unmilitary man in this man's army.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Thank you.

Charles:
Get me Tokyo.

Radar:
On the phone?

Charles:
No, open the window and yell.

Charles:
What is that odor?

Radar:
Uh, north wind, cesspool, east wind, latrine.

Charles:
The wind is from the south.

Radar:
Oh, that's the kitchen.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
[Charles is listening to classical music on his victrola] Hey, we got us a new record player.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Please, Beej. Mozart. Have you no respect for classical music?

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Are you kidding? I got the William Tell Overture... by Spike Jones.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Oh.

Charles:
Sir, my father knows Harry Truman. He doesn't like him, but he knows him.

Col. Potter:
Fine, you have dad call Harry, then have Harry call me, and then we will work something out. In the mean time, vamoose.

Charles:
Yes, sir, I am... vamoosing. But know this. You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.

Col. Potter:
I think he's starting to get the hang of this place.

Hawkeye:
The army, in its infinite wisdom, has not only cleared Frank of all charges, they have assigned him to a veterans' hospital in Indiana, and promoted him to Lieutenant Colonel.

Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly:
[of the broken phone] Somebody madder than you got to it first.

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III:
Corporal, there is no one madder than me.

[Winchester is having his part of the Swamp cleaned by a local]

Korean Woman:
Finish!

Charles:
You have not done the corners!

Korean Woman:
Finish!

Charles:
You haven't made my bed!

Korean Woman:
Finish!

Col. Horace Baldwin:
For the next 48 hours, you belong to a MASH unit that's short a man.

Charles:
MASH? That's one of those traveling medicine shows, isn't it?

Col. Horace Baldwin:
Right. Grab the next flight to Seoul and get out to Colonel Potter at the 4077th.

Charles:
Why send your best doctor into a war zone?

Col. Horace Baldwin:
Relax. It's just like two days here... except for the artillery... and the snakes. Better get moving, Winchester.

Charles:
Surely you jest.

Col. Horace Baldwin:
Surely you *go.*

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Would you like to talk to Father Mulcahy?

The Sergeant:
Okay, but I'm an atheist.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
Really?

The Sergeant:
Swear to God.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Major Winchester, sir, may I ask a question?

Charles:
You may.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Could I stop by sometime for a cup of ego?

Col. Potter:
You're staying because I need you.

Charles:
[incensed] And if I refuse?

Col. Potter:
You'll be making gravel at Leavenworth! Comprehende?

Charles:
[resigned] Comprehendo.

Maj. Winchester:
[explaining his approach to surgery] I do one thing at a time, I do it very well, and then I move on.

Hawkeye:
[after finding in his own bed the snake he and BJ had put in Charles' bed, to Charles, who is listening to classical music] Clever, very clever.

Charles:
[looking over shoulder] Please, Mozart.

Col. Potter:
[Hawkeye and B.J. learn that Major Winchester has permanently replaced Frank Burns] Would you rather have Burns?

Hawkeye:
He was more fun to be cruel to.

Capt. Schaeffer:
[Klinger and Capt. Schaeffer enter Potter's office, presumably to review Klinger's eligibility for a Section 8 discharge] Well, I expected more officers, a review board?

Col. Potter:
Road apples, Private!

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Captain, Colonel.

Col. Potter:
Private, Corporal!

Capt. Schaeffer:
Tsk... caught again.

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
You're my lawyer!

Col. Potter:
Your lawyer's a buck private, and he's no lawyer.

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
W-w-wait...!

Col. Potter:
Button it, button it!

Capt. Schaeffer:
Let him talk.

Col. Potter:
According to his captain, a REAL captain, Schaeffer's been bucking for a Section 8 longer than you have! Busted twice, done four months in the stockade. He's impersonated a doctor, a bombardier, a tank commander, even a chaplain!

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
A chaplain!

Capt. Schaeffer:
Somewhere in America, 25 couples are living in sin!

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
You shyster! Why did you lie to me, get my hopes up?

Capt. Schaeffer:
I figured you'd understand, you're my own kind!

Col. Potter:
[Potter whistles for the MP's, they enter] He's all yours, boys.

Capt. Schaeffer:
Well, hang in there, Klinger! [begins to leave with the MP's] I was an MP once, too!

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
I feel like crying.

Hawkeye:
[Hawkeye is talking to Major Burns on the phone, presumably for the last time] Best of luck to you, too, Frank.

Radar:
[Hawkeye hangs up phone, then takes it and throws it out the door] Hey, I'm responsible for that!

[runs out door to retrieve phone]

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
You seem a trifle irked.

Hawkeye:
The Army, in its infinite wisdom, has not only cleared Frank of all charges, they have assigned him to a Veterans' hospital in Indiana, and promoted him to Lt. Colonel.

Radar:
[an angry B.J. attempts to grab the phone from Radar, who has returned with it and is making repairs] Oh, no!

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
I was just going to complain to my congressman!

[attempts to grab it again]

Radar:
Oh, no!

Charles:
[Upon surveying the camp] A charming place, an inflamed boil on the buttocks of the world.

Col. Sherman Potter:
[an oversoused Hawkeye had to leave the O.R. to be sick] Listen, you can walk around with your brains at half-mast 24 hours a day for all I care, but when that chopper hits the pad I expect you to tie a slipknot in a match box. It's incomprehensible to me that a surgeon of your caliber would walk into an operating room with a bag on. Okay, let's hear some talk. What's your explanation?

Hawkeye:
I screwed up.

B.J.:
[Earlier, Hawkeye barked at hospitalized Radar] Gee, you have a marvelous effect on people.

Col. Potter:
[Enters the Swamp; to Hawkeye] What the hell is the matter with you? Are you nuts?

Hawkeye:
I think I must be, yes.

Col. Potter:
I think you are. I no sooner give you a lecture on one patient, then you go in and try to destroy another! Maybe we should aim you at the Chinese.

Margaret:
[Enters; to Hawkeye] I'd like to talk to you.

B.J.:
This oughta be good.

Margaret:
What is the matter with you?

Col. Potter:
Just a minute, Major, I have something to say on that subject myself.

Margaret:
Just hang on, you'll get your turn.

Col. Potter:
I'll get my turn? I'm the commanding officer!

Col. Sherman Potter:
[to Hawkeye] Your behavior is incomprehensible. Again! You have a boy there, fresh out of the cornfields, who is highly vulnerable and impressionable, not to mention the fact that he worships you...

Margaret:
Although WHY I can't imagine.

Col. Sherman Potter:
Then you make this kid the target of the most bellicose barrell full of bull durham anybody's ever heard you utter!

Margaret:
And I've heard you utter plenty.

Col. Sherman Potter:
If you don't mind, I rehearsed this as a single.

Margaret:
And you're doing fine, really.

Col. Sherman Potter:
Gee, Major, I appreciate that. Now will you CLAM UP? [to Hawkeye] This boy's been told he's nothing more than a pimple on a flea by the man whose opinion he values more than any one in the world. And I think you DAMN WELL better do something about it! Now what do you think?

Hawkeye:
I think you're right. [Exits]

Margaret:
I never got to say anything!

Hawkeye:
Radar, I'm going to do something now I've rarely ever done before.

Radar:
You're not going to kiss me, are you? [Hawkeye salutes Radar]

Radar:
You walked out on a patient, and Major Winchester had to finish for you.

Hawkeye:
So? I'd have done the same for him if he were sick.

Radar:
Well a lot of people don't look at it like you were sick, Hawkeye. A lot of people look up to you here. They admire you and they kinda feel they want to be like you. And... Gee, when you walk out on an operation, you make them feel like you've let them down. If they can't depend on you, well, they figure, well, maybe there's no point in depending on anything.

Hawkeye:
Look you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? The blood of children. [slams down a pillow] I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then the hell with it. [stands up; turns around] How DARE you! The hell with your Iowa naivete and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear and while you're at it, the hell with *you*. Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder. If possible, without going crazy. Period. [Radar stifles crying] Come on, cut it out. Stop it, will you? You NINNY! [exits]

Hawkeye:
Radar, I'd like to apologize.

Radar:
Oh, yeah? Well, you can just forget it. Just forget it. Hell with me, huh? The hell with YOU. How about that? And another thing, [gets out of bed] I wanna tell you something, anybody says anything about Iowa better be prepared to back it up, pal. I'll give you a fist-full of Iowa naivete right in the puss! How about that? You know I don't need you to tell me what's what. I know what's what just as well as you do. So why don't you just crawl back in your bottle of booze and pickle yourself? Ha!

Radar:
You walked out on a patient, and Major Winchester had to finish for you.

Hawkeye:
So? I'd have done the same for him if he were sick.

Radar:
Well a lot of people don't look at it like you were sick, Hawkeye. A lot of people look up to you here. They admire you and they kinda feel they want to be like you. And... Gee, when you walk out on an operation, you make them feel like you've let them down. If they can't depend on you, well, they figure, well, maybe there's no point in depending on anything.

Hawkeye:
Look you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? The blood of children.

[slams down a pillow]

Hawkeye:
I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then the hell with it.

[stands up; turns around]

Hawkeye:
How *dare* you! The hell with your Iowa naivete and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear and while you're at it, the hell with *you*. Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder. If possible, without going crazy. Period.

[Radar stifles crying]

Hawkeye:
Come on, cut it out. Stop it, will you? You *ninny*!

[exits]

Father Mulcahy:
[Hawkeye has just lost it with a hospitalized Radar] I just left Radar. Now, Hawkeye, please accept this with the spirit intended. You're under enormous pressure here and I'm... I just want to know one little thing... Have you lost your mind?

Hawkeye:
Father, you don't know how sorry I am.

Father Mulcahy:
I mean tha - that boy is lying there in a hospital bed with tubes sticking out of body and you... You call him a ninny?

Hawkeye:
Father...

Father Mulcahy:
I'm incensed! I am outraged! Where is your decency, man? Your humanity? I am acrimonious! I am not a man given to physical demonstrations of emotion, but let me tell you, I can be persuaded to violence.

Hawkeye:
Go ahead, Father.

Father Mulcahy:
I think I will!

[kicks down the stove]

B.J.:
Glad you let it out, Father?

Father Mulcahy:
Well as a matter of fact, I found it particularly unsatisfying. If you want to know the truth, it is entirely possible that I have broken my toe!

Hawkeye:
Radar, I'd like to apologize.

Radar:
Oh, yeah? Well, you can just forget it. Just forget it. Hell with me, huh? The hell with *you*. How about that? And another thing,

[gets out of bed]

Radar:
I wanna tell you something, anybody says anything about Iowa better be prepared to back it up, pal. I'll give you a fist-full of Iowa naivete right in the puss! How about that? You know I don't need you to tell me what's what. I know what's what just as well as you do. So why don't you just crawl back in your bottle of booze and pickle yourself? Ha!

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
[in the mess tent] Do you realize there are millions of people in Asia with no food - and I'm one of them.

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
You know, I never got the chance to tell you how much Margaret means to us. We couldn't run this place without her.

'Howitzer' Al Houlihan:
Well, that gal is the best thing that ever happened to me!

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Is that so? Well, you sure have a funny way of showing it.

'Howitzer' Al Houlihan:
I beg your pardon?

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Margaret's busted her britches trying to please you, but you don't seem to give a tinker's damn!

'Howitzer' Al Houlihan:
Forgive me, Colonel, but what business is that of yours?

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
It is my business because I care about her. That gal seems to think you have no use for her.

'Howitzer' Al Houlihan:
Well, I flew halfway around the world to see her, didn't I? That should say it all.

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
It doesn't say enough when all you can do is find fault.

'Howitzer' Al Houlihan:
What do you mean by that?

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Well, for openers, walking out on her in the middle of O.R. didn't exactly boost her morale.

'Howitzer' Al Houlihan:
[looking away from Potter] That had nothing to do with Margaret!

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Really? Then what did it have to do with? [Alvin does not respond]

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Was it the doctors' Tom Foolery? [Alvin still does not respond]

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
Was it the blood? [Alvin looks up]

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
[walks a step away and turns around again to face Alvin] Let me tell you something, Alvin, I've seen tougher birds than you who couldn't take it!

'Howitzer' Al Houlihan:
It shouldn't be happening to me.

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
You mean you'd sooner let her think she was a failure than admit you were about to lose your lunch? You'd rather crush her feelings than let on you're human like the rest of us?

'Howitzer' Al Houlihan:
Colonel...

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
You're so busy being 'Howitzer Al' Houlihan you can't even let your own daughter know you love her?

'Howitzer' Al Houlihan:
Colonel, you raise your family and I'll raise mine.

Margaret:
They love you, Frank!

Frank Burns:
It was their hatred that fooled me.

Zale:
Look, we made a deal. He didn't come through.

Hawkeye:
Do you know what I did? How I degraded myself? How I groveled, how I humbled, how I cheapened myself? All for a pair of miserable, lousy, army boots? I swear to you, as dedicated as I am to the sanctity and preservation of human life, if I had a gun at this moment, I would send my head across the tent!

Zale:
A gun takes six weeks. There's a terrific waiting list.

Frank Burns:
[Hawkeye has thrown Frank a surprise party to buy off Margaret] Pierce, Mclntyre, this is the happiest night of my life, buddies!

Hawkeye:
You want to share the happiness, Frank?

Frank Burns:
With the whole world!

Hawkeye:
Sign this. [Hands him Klinger's Section 8 discharge papers]

Frank Burns:
Sure! What is it? [reads papers]

Frank Burns:
Never! You're asking me to let a pervert out of the army?

Hawkeye:
Oh, right, Frank. By all means, let's keep the perverts *in* the army.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
Klinger's not a pervert!

Margaret:
How do you know?

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
Because I'm one and he's never at the meetings!

Margaret:
Henry Blake is a sham commander, a farcical administrator, and a spineless, irresponsible, lecherous old beanbag.

Hawkeye:
Margaret, we're not going to get anywhere if you keep holding back!

Margaret:
My report is going to General Mitchell!

Hawkeye:
Ah come on, reconsider. Henry's less than perfect, but we are a team!

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
Yeah, it's just that he's been in one too many scrimmages without his helmet.

Margaret:
[Offering Hawkeye and Trapper a deal that would stop her from sending a scathing report about Henry Blake to General Mitchell] Today is Frank's birthday.

Hawkeye:
Yeah yeah...

Margaret:
I think a surprise party in the mess tent tonight, with a big cake and at least twenty people, and presents... might just stop my report.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre:
It's a deal!

Hawkeye:
It is not! I have just run out of hypocrisy! My dignity tank is getting dangerously low! You expect me to drag twenty screaming people to a party for Frank Burns and paint smiles on their faces? And presents? Half this camp spends its time sticking pins in little Frank Burns dolls! I will debase myself just so far for a pair of boots! Ha! Party for Frank Burns? [Hawkeye then storms out of Margaret's tent, followed by Trapper, and immediately steps into an ice cold mud puddle with the boot with the large hole in the sole] I think I'll start with a few hors d'oeuvres, followed by baked ham and hot biscuits. If they'll stay hot, that's the only problem.

[first lines]

Hawkeye:
What did we get, Radar?

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly:
Uh, it's a mistake: 500 diapers and 5000 pairs of rubber pants.

Hawkeye:
I'm glad you're all set for winter.

Hawkeye:
I'm warning you, I'm a doctor. I've been operating for a week standing on one foot. I'm a desperate flamingo!

Captain Futterman:
I want a woman that I can think about in years to come when my wife is talking to me.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
Colonel Blake?

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
Oh, Major Houlihan, Major Stoner...

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
Major.

Maj. Stoner:
Major.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
Major. Major Burns, Major Stoner...

Maj. Frank Burns:
Major.

Maj. Stoner:
Major.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Major Pierce...

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
Major.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Well, I think we've made a major breakthrough here.

Frank Burns:
I don't think it's so all-fired sophisticated to walk around with a beard.

Trapper:
Oh you oughtta' try it sometime Frank. Women love it.

Frank Burns:
Oh I'll bet.

Hawkeye:
Really. Come here. [Frank walks over to him] Kiss me.

[Frank thinks Hawkeye and Trapper are making lewd gestures]

Frank Burns:
Caught you!

Trapper:
At what?

Frank Burns:
Making one of your obscene gestures behind my back!

Hawkeye:
Which one?

Frank Burns:
You know, the one that... [Hawkeye and Trapper start laughing]

Frank Burns:
[walking into the swamp] Pig Pen! Brothel!

Hawkeye:
Here, sir!

Trapper:
Yo!

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
[Frank's not involved in the complaint because he didn't sign] Why didn't you let him sign?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Let him? We begged him to! We begged him to do the right thing.

[Henry is introducing Majs. Burns and Houlihan to the visiting Maj. Stoner]

Margaret:
Colonel Blake...

Henry Blake:
Oh, uh, Major Houlihan, Major Stoner.

Margaret:
Major.

Maj. Stoner:
Major.

Henry Blake:
Major. Major Burns, Major Stoner.

Frank Burns:
Major.

Maj. Stoner:
Major, Major.

Hawkeye:
Major Pierce.

Henry Blake:
Major.

Hawkeye:
Well, I think we've made a major breakthrough here.

[referring to Margaret and Frank, after they had inadvertently help Hawkeye and Trapper]

Hawkeye:
Aren't they something?

Trapper:
I love 'em.

Hawkeye:
Take her; he's mine.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
[after being introduced to Maj. Stoner from the Inspector General's office] This is somewhat of a frightening honor.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
Pierce, don't start the threatening talk. I'm warning you!

Gen. Crandell Clayton:
Stoner? Oh yes, yes. He's doing a bang-up job for COMSERVPAC, in Honolulu.

Trapper:
Uh-oh.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Put all your fragments in your COMSERVPAC and smile, smile, smile.

[Martine invites Charles to sit with her after rebuffing Hawkeye]

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
What did he try that I didn't?

Captain B.J. Hunnicut:
Maybe sincerity?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
Sincerity? I could fake that.

Frank Burns:
Individuality is fine, as long as we all do it together.

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly:
[examining Lt. Col. Blake's ear] Wow!

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
What? What is it? What do you see?

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly:
I can't describe it... it's almost like a little Nativity scene...!

Pvt. George Weston:
Actually, Doc, there were two guys in my unit who got beaten up. One colored... and one homosexual.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce:
So you're a Negro. Who'd have guessed?

Frank Burns:
I don't have to take this kind of abuse!

Hawkeye:
Oh yes you do, Frank. You invite abuse. It would be impolite not to accept it.

Maj. Frank Burns:
I'm fine! I'm completely fine! The last thing I'm gonna give you two ghouls is any of my blood!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Ghouls. That's a nice thing to call us vampires.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan:
[while struggling to get out of the surgical gown and handcuffs that Trapper used to tie her to Frank] Colonel! Look at us!

Lt. Col. Henry Blake:
It does look pretty silly without the music.

Maj. Frank Burns:
The only reason I'm paranoid is because everyone's against me.

Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy:
I just received this letter from my superior at HQ.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
I didn't know there was a "Father Superior".

Hawkeye:
The Bill of Rights says we have a right to write... Or am I wrong?

Father Mulcahy:
Winchester, you are a dirty stinker!

Charles:
Put that ba... What?

B.J.:
Don't listen to him, Charles. Nobody takes the word of a priest.

Father Mulcahy:
I've been doing a little investigating and I've discovered that this belongs to you!

[gives collection ledger back to Charles]

Charles:
Ah, the charity ledger. Well, it did belong to me, Father, but it's long since passed from my hands.

Father Mulcahy:
Well, it's back! Major, it is a very low and unscrupulous person who abdicates the opportunity to do good work for his fellow man. Tell me, are you such a person?

Charles:
Certainly not. Every Christmas I give $2 to the postman.

Father Mulcahy:
My, my, you certainly give till it hurts.

Hawkeye:
Well, what do you expect, Father? He's the kind of person who would give a drowning man a glass of water.

Father Mulcahy:
All right then, Winchester, this is what it comes down to: this job has been passed on to me, and I'm not going to do it. So when General Crenshaw gets this empty ledger back, he's not going to feel so charitable. Not to mention Colonel Potter. And the man they are going to hang is the man whose name is on the assignment sheet. And guess who that is? You'll be busted so low you'll be saying, "Yes, sir," to Klinger!

[storms out]

Charles:
[forlorn] Gentlemen... Have you ever considered that there are people less fortunate than yourselves? People who need your financial assistance? People... such as me?

Hawkeye:
Shh!

Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly:
[to his hitchhike driver] Would you step on it? I'm about 20 MPH too late.

Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly:
I guess it's a bear we all gotta cross.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Right over here Klinger, I'm all dressed up with no where to sew.

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
[regarding Klinger's decorating] The verdict is in: the defendant is found guilty of littering and 2nd degree eye slaughter.

[last lines]

Col. Sherman T. Potter:
You put too much swoop on the "T"!

[last lines]

B.J.:
I'll see you back in the States, I promise. But just in case, I left you a note.

Hawkeye:
What?

[the helicopter that Hawkeye is seated in takes off, and he looks down at the note that Hunnicutt spelled out with stones:
"GOODBYE"]

PA System Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen, five minutes ago, at 10:01 this morning, the truce was signed in Panmunjon. The hostilities will end twelve hours from now at ten o'clock. The war is over!

[M*A*S*H 4077th personnel members cheer and shout]

Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio:
On the communist side, 1,347,000 people were killed or wounded. The war also killed 400,000 Korean civilians.

B.J.:
This is not a good place to have a career as an innocent bystander.

Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio:
In addition, one-fourth of all Koreans are homeless, and 100,000 are orphans.

Father Mulcahy:
What did he say? How many orphans?

B.J.:
100,000, Father.

Father Mulcahy:
Dear God!

Maj. Winchester:
Klinger, with your penchant for scams, I've no doubt that in no time at all you will own this country. And, you can have it.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Thanks, Major - if I'm ever in Bean Town, I'll look you up.

Maj. Winchester:
Oh, gee, unfortunately, I'll be out of town then.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Uh-huh.

Sergeant Luther Rizzo:
Major. I hope you don't mind leaving in a garbage truck, but it's the last vehicle I got.

Maj. Winchester:
Not at all - what better way to leave a garbage dump.

Col. Potter:
Well, boys - it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together.

Col. Potter:
You boys always managed to give me a laugh right when I needed it most. I'll never forget the time you dropped Winchester's drawers in the O.R. Of course I had to pretend I was mad at you, but inside, I was laughing to beat all hell.

[the war is over, and the company is saying their goodbyes]

Col. Potter:
Well, Francis, you've been a godsend.

Father Mulcahy:
Look on the bright side: When they tell us to serve our time in Purgatory, we can say, "No thanks, I've done mine."

Hawkeye:
I can't say I've loved you all, either... but I've loved as many of you as I could.

Maj. Winchester:
I'm sure Sgt. Rizzo will find me another mode.

Sergeant Luther Rizzo:
Well, I'll go take a look, but we ain't got too many modes left, Major.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
...Major WIND-Bag...

Hawkeye:
Colonel, before you go...

B.J.:
We've been thinking about it, and there's a little something we'd like to give you.

Hawkeye:
It's not much, but it comes from the heart.

[Hawkeye and Hunnicutt snap to attention, and for the first time salute Colonel Potter. Potter, very slowly and militarily, returns their salute; then he rides off on the horse Sophie. Potter and Sophie pass a broken-down sign reading "MASH 4077TH BEST CARE ANYWHERE]

[Maj. Winchester was being followed by Chinese musicians, who in turn just ended their song]

Col. Potter:
Don't you think a portable radio would be more convenient?

Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio:
The cost of the war to the United States has been placed at twenty-two billion dollars. [One of the people in the O.R. whistles at that amount]

B.J.:
Don't look at me, I only get three hundred a month.

Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio:
In human terms, the cost was much greater. The U.N. forces have suffered the following casualties - Killed in combat - 71,500. Missing and captured - 83,263. Wounded - 250,000.

Hawkeye:
[operating on a/another wounded soldier] Make that two hundred fifty thousand and one.

B.J.:
And two.

Col. Potter:
Three.

Maj. Winchester:
Four.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
And there's twelve more out in the hall.

[a while ago, there was news that a truce was just hours away.]

PA System Announcer:
Attention, all personnel, incoming wounded. Bring your shoes. This may be our last dance before we go home.

[Maj. Winchester, in his pajamas, brings several POWs into camp]

Col. Potter:
Winchester, I think there's definitely a medal for capturing five Chinese in your bathrobe.

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
You know, I told you people something a long time ago, and it's just as pertinent today as it was then. Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice - pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

Jeep Driver:
Looks like it'll all be over before too long, huh, Captain?

Hawkeye:
Not a century too soon.

Jeep Driver:
[to Hawkeye] Hey, look at that, [reading signs along the road] "Hawk was gone, now he's here. Dance til dawn, give a cheer. Burma-Shave."

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
You holding up okay?

Hawkeye:
All things considered. [an explosion occurs] Most things considered.

Col. Potter:
[after a third consecutive explosion] Okay, that's three - let's see if there's any damage. [Another explosion occurs immediately]

Hawkeye:
That was a hell of a short intermission. I didn't even have time to buy an orange drink.

[an explosion occurs]

Maj. Winchester:
I thought we had a system here, they fire three rounds and they move on.

Father Mulcahy:
Wait a minute, what happened to that pattern they had of firing off three rounds and then going away?

Maj. Winchester:
Good question... again.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
Aren't those idiots afraid of being spotted?

Col. Potter:
I guess they figure the tank's worth the risk.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
Or maybe they brought in a second mortar squad. [Another explosion occurs]

Maj. Winchester:
Or maybe a third.

Hawkeye:
Well, the "more-tar" merrier, ha ha ha!

[an explosion occurs]

Hawkeye:
Okay, boys and girls, time to do something intelligent. [He stands up] Since I seem to be the only intelligent person here, I nominate me, all in favor, say aye.

Col. Potter:
Take your seat, Pierce.

Hawkeye:
Uh-uh, sorry, sorry, I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the "A" train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take five. [He walks out of the O.R]

[Hawkeye drives the tank into the "4077th trash dump," in an attempt to prevent bombshell explosions from coming so close to the 4077th unit. Some of the members applaud]

Hawkeye:
I don't know why I always have to take out the trash.

[Some of the members laugh]

Father Mulcahy:
I wonder if his discharge from the hospital was a bit premature.

Col. Potter:
I'm putting in a call to Sidney.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Colonel - look at that sunset. What a beautiful ending for a beautiful day.

Col. Potter:
Yeah, it'd be a nice sunset if it was setting over there.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
What do you mean?

Col. Potter:
Ever since I've been around, the sun's always set in the west.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Then, what's that?

Col. Potter:
I once saw that same kind of glow in the Ardenne forest. The next day, there wasn't any forest left. You'd better get on the phone to ICORPS. If that fire's headed this way, we're headed out.

B.J.:
I got as far as Guam and all flights are canceled, nothing going in or out. I'm sitting there in this crummy officers club, and this guy comes up to me, and says, "You Hunnicutt the doctor?" Now, I didn't like the sound of that, so I said, "No, not me, pal, I'm Hunnicutt the chaplain." He says, "Well, chaplain, you'd better start praying for a miracle, because you're going back to Korea to do surgery." I was a third of the way home.

B.J.:
Ah, I wanted to leave you a note before I left, I just didn't have the time.

Hawkeye:
I didn't even know you were gone. I thought you were in the bathroom.

[Chinese musicians were playing off-key]

Maj. Winchester:
No, no, no, no, hold it, hold it. Dolce! Dolce! Dolce!

Col. Potter:
The Chinese have been torturing Winchester for a week now.

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
B.J.!

B.J.:
Hey, Sid, get your red-hot hot dogs.

Col. Potter:
Folks, can I have you attention? I need Captain Hunnicutt. Would the hot dog man please get his buns over here?

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
I thought when the war was over it'd be the happiest day of my life. But everything's all messed up. Now I'm in love, and I got nothing but trouble.

Col. Potter:
Listen, when you're in love, you're always in trouble. There's only two things you can do about it - either stop loving them, or love them a whole lot more.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
But if you love them a whole lot more, won't that just get you a lot more trouble?

Col. Potter:
Yep - then you love them even more.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Boy, that sounds tough.

Col. Potter:
It's murder.

B.J.:
A big glass of fresh, ice cold milk.

Hawkeye:
For me, a banana. And of course, what's a banana without a piece of chocolate cake?

[Some other people in the O.R. laugh]

Hawkeye:
What are you laughing at? It's wonderful.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
It is delicious - I'm going to take a three-hour bubble bath.

Nurses:
Oh, yeah.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
How about you, Colonel - what's the first thing you want when you get home?

Col. Potter:
Well, I like fresh corn. I mean real fresh corn. So I think maybe I'll just take a hot plate out to the garden, make a pot of boiling water, then I won't even pick that corn - I'll bend that stalk till the ear dips into the water, and I'll eat it right there standing up. Scrumptious!

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
How about you, Charles, what are you looking forward to?

Maj. Winchester:
I am looking forward to a hemostat.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
[handing Winchester a hemostat] Hemostat - there's no need to bite my head off.

Maj. Winchester:
Sponge.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
[handing Winchester a sponge] Sponge. You know, I just don't see why some people can't be grateful if other people try to help them.

Maj. Winchester:
Don't you?

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
I think a person is lucky if somebody cares enough to help. Where would I be without my father's help?

Maj. Winchester:
Oh, where indeed? He's pulling in three different directions, if you get any luckier, there's going to be a piece of you in every corner of the world.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
Maybe some people just can't feel gratitude.

Maj. Winchester:
Maybe some people like having other people run their lives, but some people don't.

B.J.:
Want a sandwich?

Hawkeye:
What's in it?

B.J.:
Let's see - cucumbers, watercress, a little French mayonnaise.

Hawkeye:
Is the crust cut off?

B.J.:
No.

Hawkeye:
Forget it.

PA System Announcer:
Sorry to interrupt your peace bulletin, folks, but we got wounded in the compound. We need a surgeon for triage. It looks like it's all over but the shooting.

Father Mulcahy:
Dear Lord, I know there must be a reason for this, but what is it? I answered the call to do your work. I've devoted my life to it, and now, how am I supposed to do it? What good am I now? What good is a deaf priest? I pray to you to help me, and every day I get worse. Are you deaf, too?

Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio:
This is Robert Pierpoint speaking to you from Panmunjon. It's one minute before 10:00 p.m. We can still hear the sound of nearby artillery. At some point during the next few seconds, the guns should go silent as the ceasefire officially goes into effect. [There are six more seconds of sounds of explosions, followed by eleven-and-a-half seconds of silence] There it is, that's the sound of peace.

Col. Potter:
Tomorrow, the tents of the 4077 will be coming down... for good. For an awful long time we've been living together, eating together...

Unknown 4077th member:
Sleeping together.

Col. Potter:
Well, I wouldn't know, I have a horse.

Sergeant Luther Rizzo:
Well, I don't love you all - some of you still owe me money. Which I really need it - because I plan to open up a business when I get back to Louisiana. There's big money in this - I'm gonna breed frogs for French restaurants.

Hawkeye:
Here, go buy yourself a frog. [He tosses a wad of money toward Rizzo]

Cpl. Igor Straminsky:
I'm gonna do something where people don't yell at me when I put food in front of them - I'm gonna be a pig farmer.

Sergeant Luther Rizzo:
What do you mean, "gonna be"?

Father Mulcahy:
I was anxious to get back to the parish, and coaching boxing for the C.Y.O., but lately I've gotten kind of interested in working with the deaf. Of course, not doing parish work, I'll miss hearing confession, but after listening to you people for so long, I think I've just about heard it all.

Maj. Winchester:
Well, I'm going to be head of thoracic surgery at Boston Mercy Hospital, so my life will go on pretty much as I expected, with one exception. For me, music was always a refuge from this miserable experience, and now it will always be a reminder.

One of the nurses:
So, I'm going to stay in nursing, but I want to be in maternity or pediatrics. After all this, I think it would be nice to help bring people into the world.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Well, I planned something, but it kind of fell through. I guess you noticed Soon-Lee isn't here tonight. It's because she had a lot of things to take care of. 'Cause we've decided to get married.

Hawkeye:
Yay!

B.J.:
Congratulations!

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
I had to cut through a lot of red tape, but I got permission. The only problem is, she won't leave Korea until she finds her family. So, boy, I don't believe I'm saying this, I'm staying in Korea.

Hawkeye:
You don't have to act crazy now, we're all getting out.

Father Mulcahy:
Do you, Soon-Lee, take Maxwell, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, honor, and cherish, to have and to hold, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?

Soon-Lee Klinger:
I do.

Father Mulcahy:
Do you, Maxwell, take Soon-Lee, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love, honor, and cherish, to have and to hold, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
You bet I do.

Father Mulcahy:
I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Thanks for your help, Father.

Father Mulcahy:
Francis John Patrick Mulcahy - remember that if you name any children after me.

Hawkeye:
So long, kiddo, I'm gonna miss you.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Me too, captain - I'm sure glad you're feeling okay now.

Hawkeye:
Couldn't be better. [He "honks" Klinger's nose] Honk-honk. You have to have that tuned.

[Some of the 4077th members are about to leave for the 8063rd]

Nurse Kellye:
Wait a minute, I'm taking my hometown home. Come on! [She takes the "Honolulu" sign off of the signpost; some of the other 4077th members take off their other signs]

Father Mulcahy:
Let me have Coney Island.

B.J.:
You know, Father, the first time I've met you, I thought there's this nice decent guy, kind of sweet and gentle, you know? How's he ever gonna last out here? I got to tell you, you're just about the toughest bird I know.

Father Mulcahy:
Well, I'm certainly a lot luckier than some of the people we've seen come through here.

Maj. Winchester:
Well, goodbye, Father. I must say you've made this hellhole a trifle less unbearable.

Father Mulcahy:
It certainly is.

Maj. Winchester:
What? What?

Hawkeye:
Father, I may never see you again, and before you go, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time. Your shirt's on backwards.

Father Mulcahy:
[leaving the 4077th unit] Goodbye everybody! I'll pray for you.

Sergeant Luther Rizzo:
[leading Winchester to a "crowded" jeep] Okay, Major, pile on.

Maj. Winchester:
As what, a hood ornament?

[Winchester kisses Houlihan's hand]

B.J.:
Hold on to that arm, Charles. We want to kiss it, too.

Hawkeye:
You take the arm, I got dibs on what's left.

Col. Potter:
Goodbye, Margaret. I know you've got your career in order, don't forget to have a happy life, too.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
You dear, sweet man. I'll never forget you.

Hawkeye:
[in a "normal" tone of voice] So, uh, listen...

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
[in a "normal" tone of voice] Yeah.

[They kiss for thirty-four seconds]

Hawkeye:
[in a "normal" tone of voice] Well, so long.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
[in a "normal" tone of voice] See ya.

A soldier:
Timber! [He and some other soldiers take down a tent]

Maj. Winchester:
How I wish I could have swung the axe.

Hawkeye:
Just think of all the rats who are homeless now.

Maj. Winchester:
Oh, don't worry, you'll find somewhere to go.

[a helicopter is started up]

Hawkeye:
It sounds like my cab is here.

B.J.:
Yeah.

[Hawkeye and B.J. bid farewell to each other]

Hawkeye:
Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'LL say it. Maybe you're right, maybe we WILL see each other again, but just in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you; whenever I see a pair of big feet or a cheesy mustache, I'll think of you.

B.J.:
Whenever I smell month-old socks, I'll think of YOU.

Hawkeye:
Or the next time somebody nails my shoe to the floor...

B.J.:
...or when somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid.

Hawkeye:
I'll miss you.

B.J.:
I'll miss YOU. A lot. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here.

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
Yesterday, you were going to tell me about that day at the beach.

Hawkeye:
It was great, very hot. A lot of people say too much sun is no good for you. And you know, carcinomas can result from that. You know, this of course would concern me as a physician.

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
I'd like to get back to the beach.

Hawkeye:
Hey, go ahead, take the rest of the day off.

Hawkeye:
[answering the phone in the psychiatric ward] Y-ello. Snake pit, we never close.

B.J.:
[on the phone] Hawk, it's B.J., how you doing?

Hawkeye:
[in the psychiatric ward] How the hell do you think I'm doing? I've been locked up for the last week in a wacketeria.

B.J.:
Well, listen, Sydney's the doctor.

Hawkeye:
[to Dr. Sydney Freedman] You want a laugh? He's says, you're the doctor. [to B.J.] I'm the doctor. I sew people back together. Why is he keeping a brilliant surgeon locked up? I mean, what's behind that?

Father Mulcahy:
[on the phone] Hello, Hawkeye. Need anything? Can we send you anything down to you?

Hawkeye:
[in the psychiatric ward] Yeah, how about a band-aid for my finger? I got a blister from going [strumming his lips] blblblblbl...

Col. Potter:
[on the phone] Pierce, we miss you here.

Hawkeye:
[in the psychiatric ward] I miss me there, too. It's lonely here, especially at night. I do hear the guy in the next room. He cries all night.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
[on the phone] How do you feel?

Hawkeye:
[in the psychiatric ward] Like a hostage. How about you?

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
[on the phone] What do you say, Captain?

Hawkeye:
[in the psychiatric ward] Hello, Klinger.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Hey, you sound perfectly normal to me. How is it there? You crazy about the place? Ha ha ha.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
[on the phone] Ah, you just take care of yourself, okay? We all miss you here.

Hawkeye:
[in the psychiatric ward] Then get me out. [He hangs up the phone]

[there was an Armed Forces Radio broadcast about the war possibly ending very soon]

Hawkeye:
[in the psychiatric ward] Thank you, Dr. Freedman, I won't require your services anymore.

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
Where are you headed, soldier?

Hawkeye:
The war is coming to an end. Everybody's on stage for the finale. If you don't mind, I'd like to exchange my straitjacket for something in a 39 normal. So if you'll call me a taxi, I'll be on my way.

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
So hard to find a cab in this part of the war. Besides, I don't think you're quite ready to leave.

Maj. Winchester:
Just a minute. You handle our food and dig latrines?

Cpl. Igor Straminsky:
Don't worry, sir. I always wash my hands before I dig the latrines.

Maj. Winchester:
I don't understand why it should take so long to construct a simple potty shed.

Col. Potter:
Winchester, you'll just have to use the ravine latrine like everybody else. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Maj. Winchester:
Rome? Rome?

[a few minutes ago, Hunnicutt got orders to go home]

Col. Potter:
I can't run a hospital without surgeons. Who's supposed to replace you?

B.J.:
What would you say if we found a first-class surgeon to take my place?

Father Mulcahy:
That's fair enough.

Col. Potter:
Well...

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
Come on, we'll try.

Col. Potter:
I guess I'd say bon voyage.

Col. Potter:
[after a phone call with ICORPS] ICORPS. I am specifically ordered not to touch that tank, and it may be days before the owner comes and gets it.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
What don't you just tell them this is a hospital? As long as that tank is here, we're a target.

Col. Potter:
Boy, you must think I am the biggest dunce since the monkey wrapped his tail around the flagpole. Don't you think that's what I told him? I can take care of my job. You go act like a sergeant, unless you want to try something lower.

Maj. Winchester:
Hi, good morning. I wonder if I could lighten your mailbag by one letter. The name is Winchester, Charles E.

mail deliverer:
Sorry, Major, nobody opens this sack till I get a receipt from your company clerk.

Maj. Winchester:
Well, gee, this is a letter from a hospital.

mail deliverer:
I don't care if it's from Dr. Pepper, I need a receipt.

Maj. Winchester:
Ha, Dr. Pepper.

[Hawkeye gets a phone call in the psychiatric ward]

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
Good time as any for a break.

Hawkeye:
Yeah, let's knock off till Christmas.

Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio:
If you add it all up, it comes to more than two million people killed or wounded.

Hawkeye:
Now that's what I call a grand total.

Hawkeye:
[furious] Keep that DAMN chicken QUIET!

Hawkeye:
[writing to his father] Dear Dad, I am doing better now. You remember Sidney Freedman? He's been here all week pulling shrapnel from my memory. I think the worst is over now. Remember when I was a kid, you told me that if my head wasn't attached to my shoulders, I'd lose it? That's what happened when I saw that woman kill her baby. A baby, Dad. A baby. But Sidney says that confronting the memory is half the battle. So I'm going back to the 4077. Sort of like the criminal returning to the scene of the crime. I asked them to send me to a foxhole in Crabapple Cove, but there aren't many foxes there - only lobster. So write me care of the war, Dad. Any place I hang my scalpel is home.

Maj. Winchester:
I have a standing in the medical community, and I don't need the help of a nurse.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
It's a good thing I'm a lady, or you'd need a nurse buddy.

[a tank enters the M*A*S*H unit and eventually crushes the latrines]

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
[to the tank driver] What's the matter with you? You drive this thing like it's a lethal weapon! [notices that that driver is wounded] Oh, my! Corpsman!

PA System Announcer:
Attention, all personnel, we're patched into Armed Forces Radio for a special broadcast. It sounds big, folks.

Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio:
This is Robert Pierpoint in Seoul. I've just returned from outside the newly built conference hall in Panmunjon. The hall is a symbol of the renewed hope for peace. It is almost finished, and you can still smell the greenness of the wood. Two years of constant disappoint have made skeptics of us all. However, the word from Panmunjon today is that an armistice agreement may be reached at almost any hour. While one of the bloodiest battles of the war rages on, it seems peace is finally within our grasp.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
[joyfully throwing some papers up in the air "in celebration"] Yee-hee! Woo-hoo!

Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio:
... translating the truce document which has not yet been completed.

Father Mulcahy:
[trying to listen to the radio broadcast while some other people in the mess tent were conversing] Quiet! Shut your traps!

Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio:
... But after a week of secret sessions in Panmunjon, the red delegates have finally announced they will discuss preparations for signing the armistice agreement. There is certainly some distance to go in these negotiations, but for the first time in over three years, the end of this bloody road that we've traveled seems only steps away. This is Robert Pierpoint in Seoul.

[Maj. Winchester was followed by Chinese musicians, one of whom was pushing a motorcycle]

Maj. Winchester:
[to Col. Potter] I believe these gentlemen have surrendered.

Col. Potter:
[to one of the POWs' guards] Let's get them inside and process them, Corporal.

[to those Chinese musicians]

Col. Potter:
Come on, boys. Not too much solid food right away.

Col. Potter:
[to one of the POWs' guards] They probably couldn't hold it down.

B.J.:
[pushing that motorcycle] I'll make sure the motorcycle doesn't escape.

[Hawkeye was telling Dr. Sidney Freedman about what he initially thought was a chicken clucking inside the bus]

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
Then what happened?

Hawkeye:
Then I went back toward the front of the bus.

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
And what happened next?

Hawkeye:
There's something wrong with it. It stopped making noise. It just--just stopped. [pauses] She-she killed it! She killed it!

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
She killed the chicken?

Hawkeye:
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I didn't mean for her to kill it. [sobbing] I did not--I--I just wanted it to be quiet. It was--it was a baby! She, she smothered her own baby. [pauses] You son of a b*tch, why did you make me remember that?

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
You had to get it out in the open. Now we're halfway home.

Hawkeye:
[voice over, as he was writing to his father] Dear Dad, Sorry I haven't written for a while, but I've been on R&R at this wonderful resort. We're planning to have a bridge tournament here as soon as we can find somebody with a full deck.

[crumples up that letter and starts a new one]

Hawkeye:
[voice over] Dear Dad, Remember when I was a kid, you always told me if my head wasn't attached to my shoulders I'd lose it? Well ...

[crumples up that letter and starts a new one]

Hawkeye:
[voice over] Dear Dad, For the first time I understand what a nervous disorder is, because it seems I've got one. I guess I'll be seeing you soon, because I doubt if they'll let a surgeon operate whose cheese slipped off his cracker.

Hawkeye:
Time to hit the couch?

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
Actually, it may be time to hit the road.

Hawkeye:
[to Dr. Sidney Freedman] You're sending a crazy man back to the place where he got crazy in the first place? Are you out of your mind?

[B.J. is planning on returning to his home and celebrating his daughter's birthday; he has five minutes before he can leave]

Col. Potter:
Five minutes? I haven't got your replacement yet!

B.J.:
Jacobson is due here first thing in the morning. This is the only connection I could get.

Col. Potter:
[his voice cracking] Aw, what the heck. Send me a piece of birthday cake.

B.J.:
[hugging Col. Potter] Thank you. Look, I--this is not the way I wanted to--

Col. Potter:
Go, you're fighting the clock.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Colonel? Colonel, this just came in the mail. Captain Hunnicutt's travel orders have been rescinded. What should I do?

Col. Potter:
[the helicopter that B.J. is seated in takes off] Now, what was all that, son? I couldn't hear you over the chopper.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
Nothing, sir. I guess it's too late now.

[a "first" explosion occurs at the M*A*S*H unit]

Col. Potter:
Everybody, hug a sandbag!

Maj. Winchester:
[running for cover] Get out of my way!

Maj. Winchester:
[a "second" explosion occurs] [to Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger] I thought you said you had everything under control.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
I did! Even I was fooled by that tent. I almost delivered mail there.

Col. Potter:
Well, it didn't fool them, they know that tank's here someplace. They ain't seen it driven out in the daytime, and they ain't heard it driven out at night. [a "third" explosion occurs] Okay, that's three. Get ICORPS on the phone, time to kick some ear.

[Maj. Winchester storms out of the room where Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger was.]

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger:
See you at the next shelling.

[Col. Potter bids farewell to Hawkeye and B.J]

Col. Potter:
Well, boys, it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together. You boys always managed to give me a good laugh, right when I needed it most. Never forget the time you dropped Winchester's drawers in the O.R. 'Course I had to pretend I was mad at you but, inside...

[emotionally]

Col. Potter:
I was laughin' to beat all Hell.

Hawkeye:
Yeah. I'm laughing just thinking about it.

B.J.:
I love a good laugh like this.

Maj. Winchester:
[Listening to Mozart - all of a sudden asks with disgust] What is that atrocious odour?

B.J.:
[Painting his bike - stops and sniffs his brush] Yellow!

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan:
[right after the war is declared over, more wounded are brought in] Does this look like peace to you?

Lt. Hung Lee Park:
You have done your duty. Now, I must do mine.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
[angrily] You son of a b*tch!

[a letter to Margaret has arrived opened]

Radar:
Sometimes they come like that!

Margaret:
And sometimes they're opened by creepy company clerks who like to peek at intimate personal passages!

B.J.:
Oh, come on Margaret, that's uncalled for.

Hawkeye:
It's not fair!

Radar:
Yea, and it wasn't even very intimate either!

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
For my next trick I will invent sibling rivalry

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
Some people have extra sensory perception.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
I knew you were gonna say that.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
They tell me I've been playing a mean game of zombie basketball.

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
They tell me you're worried you're losing your marbles.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
[applauds] Well done.

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
For my next trick, I will invent sibling rivalry.

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:
[watching Hawkeye and Sidney play basketball without a basketball] Is it any wonder I can't get a section 8? In this outfit, you wanna be crazy you gotta stand in line.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Popeye, where are you when I need you?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Am I insane?

Dr. Sidney Freedman:
Hawkeye, you are probably the sanest person here. If you were crazy you'd be sleeping like a baby.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Frank, were you ever afraid to go to sleep?

Major Franklin Marion Burns:
No.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
Not even when you were a kid?

Major Franklin Marion Burns:
Well, I had a Popeye night light, until my father took it away.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
He did that?

Major Franklin Marion Burns:
Yeah, he said it was dark 12 hours out of every 24 and he refused to have a son who was a coward half of the time.

[Hawkeye is playing hopscotch while sleepwalking]

Radar:
Did you lose something, sir?

Hawkeye:
Hi, Stinky.

Radar:
[Radar looks around] Sir, that's the sort of name that kind of sticks with a fellow. I'd appreciate it if you'd just call me by my given nickname.

Hawkeye:
What's cookin', Dexter?

Radar:
If those are my only choices, I guess I'll take Stinky, it's got a little more pizzazz.

Col. Potter:
You too young to die, Pierce?

Hawkeye:
I was hoping to make it to Thursday.

[Col. Potter and Hawkeye are preparing to venture close to enemy territory]

Col. Potter:
That thing loaded?

B.J.:
Filled it with water myself.

Hawkeye:
Watch out, everyone, I shoot to drown.

Col. Potter:
If Frank Burns makes any more patronizing cracks about my age, I'll take him behind the motor pool and let the air out of his tires.

Col. Potter:
Where's your gun?

Hawkeye:
Sulking under my cot. We're not at speaking terms.

Col. Potter:
Go kiss it and make up. You're taking it with you.