Must Love Dogs

Carol:
Where are your boob shirts? [holds up Sarah's sweaters]

Sarah:
What?

Carol:
Your *boob* shirts!

Christine:
Don't worry, I brought some of mine!

Christine:
[Sarah is in the bath and not picking up the phone] Sarah, it's me, Christine. Pick up. Come on, Sarah. I already talked to Dad.

Sarah:
[sighs and answers the phone] Who else knows?

Christine:
No one.

Sarah:
Come on, Carol has to know.

Christine:
Why does Carol have to know? Couldn't I once know something before she does?

Sarah:
[realizing] She's there with you, isn't she?

Christine:
No.

Sarah:
Hello, Carol.

Carol:
[small beat] Hi, Sarah. I was telling Chris it's a shame I didn't know about this before because I would have called Uncle Chet. We could have doubled.

Sarah:
Oh, no. This story is going to be immortalized into family history, isn't it? Told and retold at Thanksgiving dinner, year after year...

Carol:
Oh, not just Thanksgiving. I think it's a good Christmas story to. [both Carol and Christine laugh]

Sarah:
Bye guys.

Christine:
[laughing] Wait. Tell the truth. One a scale of one to ten how would you rate Dad as a date? Hot, super hot? [Sarah hangs up]

[Jake and Sarah are trying to buy some condoms because neither of them had any; Jake returns from a store to the car]

Jake:
They're out!

Sarah:
How can they be out?

Jake:
I have a theory about this. Everyone in the city is having sex at the exact same time... except for us. But we will press on.

[first lines]

Rebecca:
The best place to meet a guy is at the supermarket. You don't need to waste a lot of time there, either. You see a guy holding a list, you know he's married. He's in the frozen food section carrying a small basket, he's single. I like to hang out by fruits and vegetables, there's a better chance of getting a guy who's healthy.

Jake:
That's what it was like when I met Sarah. Anyway that's what I

Sarah:
I made you nauseous?

Jake:
In a good way - I was lovesick.

Sarah:
[laughing] That was good, honey.

title cards:
[in front of two dogs who played Mother Teresa] No animals were harmed during the filming of this movie.

title cards:
Though we were petted within an inch of our lives.

Marc:
He has balls of steel.

Carol:
We're very proud.

Jake:
She did not see my A game!

Charlie:
Sounds like she didn't see your B or C game either.

Carol:
Hello! Don't worry, it's just me. I'm in the kitchen. I filled your freezer again. There's now enough meat to feed every guy who answered your ad and still...

[Walks in from the kitchen and sees Jake]

Carol:
Whoa.

Sarah:
Jake Anderson, my sister Carol. Jake did, in fact, answer the ad.

Jake:
Do I get my meat?

[Carol tosses him the meat]

Jake:
You know, but I think your heart grows back bigger. You know? Once you get the shit beat out of you. And, um, the universe lets your heart expand that way, and I think that's the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place and that's how I see it, anyway.

Austin:
[after getting a bloody nose in Sarah's class] Good Lord! It's a gusher!

Jake:
It's a long story, something about the violation of expectations and a crushing loss of faith, and love, and life, and art.

Bill:
So it's a girl?

Jake:
Yes.

Bill:
I've had a little bit of girl trouble myself lately. But it is better to have loved and lost, am I right?

Jake:
She was a unique constellation of attributes; she was my Halley's comet. But the universe is designed to break your heart, right?

Bill:
A philosopher as well as an artist, yes, it is we who suffer most.

Jake:
Yes, with the possible exception of the victims of violent crime

Dolly:
I love this internet. It's part fantasy, part community, and you get to pay your bills naked.

Bob:
You sure you don't want to come in, we just opened a bottle of wine.

Sarah:
Oh I think I'd rather die, but thank you.

Vinnie:
I thought a great place to meet girls would be night school, you know, where they teach English as a second language. You know, because these girls would be from foreign lands and, you know, maybe still a little disoriented from the journey and I would look attractive because... I speak English very goodly. But in the end it did not work out as I had hoped, I mean, basically I was told to take a hike in fourteen languages.

Marcia:
Probably the best place is Home Depot... or any hardware store. You just walk up to the cutest guy and say "Do you know where I get nailed? I mean nails? Pardon me, I've been drinking all afternoon." And that way he knows: one, that you're easy, and two, that you like to drink.

Sarah:
I want to be in love. I want to wake up next to someone and see them smile, do the whole Sunday breakfast thing, go out and get the paper, stay in bed together all day.

Jake:
[Driving in search of condoms] So this pre-school of yours, it's what? Traditional, developmental, Montessori?

Sarah:
Yeah, yeah, all that. Drugstore!

Jake:
Oh Charlie, you should've seen this girl; she's shy, she's fragile, she's self conscious, she has no idea how beautiful she is... she's a M-E-S-S-S... it's FAN-TAS-TIC!

Deli Guy:
Hi, can I help you?

Sarah:
Single chicken breast please.

Deli Guy:
You know for an extra $0.75 cents you can get the whole fryer here. Two breasts, two thighs and a wing, today's special.

Sarah:
Thank you, I don't know when I'd eat all that.

Deli Guy:
It's just an extra $0.75 cents.

Sarah:
It's not the $0.75 cents, I hate to see food go bad.

Deli Guy:
Oh, we got a hundred recipes here. You can always cook 'em up freeze 'em and...

Sarah:
Look, Listen to me mister! I'm divorced ok? I eat alone, usually standing over the sink, I don't want a bunch of chicken hanging around, ok? Thank you.