My Man Godfrey

Alexander Bullock:
Either Carlo has to or I am.

Angelica Bullock:
Am what?

Alexander Bullock:
I don't know, but one of us has to.

Blake:
Take a look at the dizzy old gal with the goat.

Alexander Bullock:
I've had to look at her for 20 years - that's MRS. Bullock!

Blake:
I'm terribly sorry!

Alexander Bullock:
How do you think I feel?

Godfrey:
Do you think you could follow an intelligent conversation for a minute?

Irene:
I'll try.

Irene:
You have a wonderful sense of humor. I wish I had a sense of humor, but I can never think of the right thing to say until everybody's gone home.

Alexander Bullock:
All you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right kind of people.

Godfrey:
That's just the trouble. Nobody wants me.

Godfrey:
May I be frank?

Molly:
Is that your name?

Godfrey:
No, my name is Godfrey.

Molly:
All right, be frank.

Irene:
It's no use struggling against the thing. When it's got you, it's got you!

Angelica Bullock:
If you're going to be rude to my daughter, you might as well at least take your hat off!

Irene:
Could you tell me why you live in a place like this when there's so many other nice places?

Godfrey:
You really want to know?

Irene:
Oh, I'm very curious.

Godfrey:
It's because my real estate agent felt that the altitude would be very good for my asthma.

Irene:
Can you butle?

Godfrey:
Butle?

Irene:
Yes, we're fresh out of butlers. The one we had left this morning.

Godfrey:
The only difference between a derelict and a man is a job.

Godfrey:
Do you mind telling me just what a scavenger hunt is?

Irene:
Well, a scavenger hunt is exactly like a treasure hunt, except in a treasure hunt you try to find something you want, and in a scavenger hunt you try to find something that nobody wants.

Godfrey:
Hmm, like a forgotten man?

Irene:
That's right, and the one who wins gets a prize, only there really isn't a prize. It's just the honor of winning, because all the money goes to charity, that is, if there is any money left over, but there never is.

Godfrey:
Well, that clears the whole matter up beautifully.

Godfrey:
Does the butler have quarters here in the house, or is that necessary?

Molly:
Oh, you won't need any quarters. Just hang your hat near the door so you can get it quickly on the way out.

Molly:
Mr. Bullock, there's a hansom cab driver waiting in the kitchen.

Alexander Bullock:
What's he want?

Molly:
He wants $50 and his horse.

Alexander Bullock:
What horse?

Molly:
The one Miss Irene rode up the front steps last night.

Alexander Bullock:
Where is his horse? I haven't got it!

Molly:
It's in the library, where Miss Irene left it.

Alexander Bullock:
I've just been going over last month's bills, and I find that you people have confused me with the Treasury Department.

Cornelia Bullock:
Oh, don't start that again, Dad.

Alexander Bullock:
I don't mind giving the government 60% of what I make. But I can't do it when my family spends 50%!

Irene:
Well, why should the government get more money than your own family?

Angelica Bullock:
You mustn't come between Irene and Godfrey. He's the first thing she's shown any affection for since her pomeranian died.

Godfrey:
These flowers just came for you, miss. Where shall I put them?

Irene:
What difference does it make where one puts flowers when one's heart is breaking?

Godfrey:
Yes, miss. Shall I put them on the piano?

Godfrey:
Hasn't anyone ever told you about certain proprieties?

Irene:
You use such lovely big words. I like big words. What does it mean?

Godfrey:
Well, I'll try to simplify it. Hasn't your mother or anyone ever explained to you that some things are proper and some things are not?

Irene:
No she hasn't. She rambles on quite a bit, but then she never has anything to say.

Angelica Bullock:
Oh, Alexander, you missed all the excitement.

Alexander Bullock:
What's going on?

Angelica Bullock:
Oh, let me see. I knew what it was I wanted to say, but somehow it slipped my mind.

Alexander Bullock:
What's the matter with Irene?

Angelica Bullock:
Oh, yes, that's it. Irene's got herself engaged!

Alexander Bullock:
To whom?

Angelica Bullock:
Oh, I don't know, Van something-or-other. I think he's the boy with his arm around that girl in pink. He's got lots of money.

Alexander Bullock:
Well, he'll need it.

Detective:
Who's that?

Irene:
It's mother's protegé.

Detective:
No wisecracks. Is that your son?

Alexander Bullock:
That? Say, listen. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I'll be hanged if I plead guilty to that!

Detective:
Just a minute, sister!

Molly:
If I thought that were true, I'd disown my parents.

Detective:
So you got a passion for jewelry, huh?

Molly:
Yes, and I got a passion for socking cops, too.

Detective:
Where are they?

Molly:
Most of them are in the cemetery.

Irene:
I went to Venice, and one night I went for a ride in one of those rowboats that the man pushes with a stick. Not a matador. That was in Spain. But something like a matador.

Godfrey:
Do you, by any chance, mean a gondolier?

Irene:
That was the name of the boat!

Godfrey:
That's most of your stock. I knew it had been dumped on the market, so I sold short.

Angelica Bullock:
I don't understand. You sold short. You mean gentlemen's underwear?

Irene:
Life is but an empty bubble.

Alexander Bullock:
Life in this family is one subpoena after another.

Irene:
Godfrey loves me! He put me in the shower!

Godfrey:
Mike, I wouldn't worry. Prosperity's just around the corner.

Mike:
Yeah. It's been there a long time. I wish I knew which corner. Well Duke, I'm gonna turn in. Bon soir.

Cornelia:
How'd you like to make five dollars?...

Godfrey:
Well, I don't mean to seem inquisitive, but what would I have to do for it?

Cornelia:
All you have to do is go to the Waldorf Ritz Hotel with me and I'll show you to a few people and then I'll send you right back....Oh, if you must know, it's a game. You've probably heard about it - a scavenger hunt. If I find a forgotten man first, I win. Is that clear?

Godfrey:
Yes, quite clear. Shall I wear my tails or come just as I am?

Godfrey:
Who are you?

Irene:
I'm Irene. That was my sister Cornelia you pushed in the ash pile.

Godfrey:
How'd you like to have me push Cornelia's sister into an ashpile?

Irene:
Oh, I don't think I'd like that.

Godfrey:
Then you'd better get out of here.

Irene:
You bet.

Godfrey:
Wait a minute. Sit down.

Irene:
I'm sitting.

Another bum:
What's up Duke? Need some help?

Godfrey:
No thanks boys. I've got everything under control. [To Irene] Are you a member of this hunting party?

Irene:
I was, but I'm not now. Are they all forgotten men too?

Godfrey:
Yes, I guess they are maybe. Why?

Irene:
It's the funniest thing. I couldn't help but laugh. I've wanted to do that ever since I was six years old...Cornelia thought she was going to win, and you pushed her in a pile of ashes. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Godfrey:
Do you think you could follow an intelligent conversation for just a moment?

Irene:
I'll try.

Godfrey:
That's fine. Do you mind telling me just what a scavenger hunt is?

Irene:
Well, a scavenger hunt is exactly like a treasure hunt, except in a treasure hunt you try to find something you want and in a scavenger hunt, you try to find something that nobody wants.

Godfrey:
Hmmm, like a forgotten man?

Irene:
That's right, and the one that wins gets a prize. Only there really isn't a prize. It's just the honor of winning, because all the money goes to charity, that is, if there's any money left over, but then there never is. You know I've decided I don't want to play any more games with human beings as objects. It's kind of sordid when you think of it, I mean, when you think it over.

Blake:
This place slightly resembles an insane asylum.

Alexander:
Well, all you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right kind of people.

Molly:
[about the steady flow of new butlers] There's one every day at this hour. They're dropping in and out all the time.

Godfrey:
Why is that?

Molly:
Some get fired, some quit.

Godfrey:
Is the family that exacting?

Molly:
No, they're that nutty.

Godfrey:
That little fellow with the bundle of wood under his arm was Balinger of the Second National. When his bank failed, he gave up everything he had so that his depositors wouldn't suffer...You see, Tommy, there are two kinds of people. Those who fight the idea of being pushed into the river and the other kind.

Tommy:
Well, after all, things have always been this way for some people. These men are not your responsibility.

Godfrey:
There are different ways of having fun.

Tommy:
You have a peculiar sense of humor.

Godfrey:
Over here, we have some very fashionable apartment houses. Over there is a very swanky nightclub. While down here, men starve for want of a job. How does that strike your sense of humor?

Tommy:
What's all this leading to?

Godfrey:
Tommy, there's a very peculiar mental process called thinking. You wouldn't know much about that. But when I was living here, I did a lot of it. One thing I discovered was that the only difference between a derelict and a man is a job.

Irene:
Every place I went, everybody was Godfrey...when I get in a cab, the driver is Godfrey and I'd say, this is his chariot and he's taking me up to his clouds to his castle on the mountains.

Godfrey:
...I've been doing some things also. I've been trying to do things that I thought would make you proud of me....You helped me to find myself and I'm very grateful.

Irene:
You'd make a wonderful husband.

Godfrey:
Oh, I'm afraid not. You see, I know how you feel about things...Well, you're grateful to me because I helped you to beat Cornelia and I'm grateful to you because you helped me to beat life, but that doesn't mean that we have to fall in love.

Irene:
If you don't want to, but I'd make a wonderful wife.

Godfrey:
Not for me, I'm afraid. You see, I like you very much. I had a very bitter experience. But I won't bore you with that...You and I are friends and I feel a certain responsibility to you. And that's why I wanted to tell you first.

Irene:
[expectantly] Tell me what?

Godfrey:
Well, I thought it was about time that I was moving on.

[She turns her back to him, crying]

Irene:
I won't cry, I promise.

Godfrey:
After all, I'm your protégé. You want me to improve myself, don't you?..You don't want me to go on just being a butler all my life, do you?

Irene:
You're my responsibility and someone has to take care of you.

Godfrey:
I can take care of myself.

Irene:
You can't look me in the eye and say that. You love me and you know it. You know, there's no sense in struggling against a thing when it's got you. It's got you and that's all there is to it. It's got you!

[To his surprise, baskets of wood and groceries of food are delivered]

Irene:
It should last us for a week, anyway.

Godfrey:
It's a wonder you didn't have the foresight to bring a minister and a license.

Irene:
It's funny. I never thought of that.

Godfrey:
My purpose in coming here tonight was two-fold: firstly, I wanted to aid this young lady. Secondly, I was curious to see how a bunch of empty-headed nitwits conducted themselves. My curiosity is satisfied. I assure you it'll be a pleasure to go back to a society of really important people.

Godfrey:
People who take in stray cats say they make the best pets, Madame.

Godfrey:
There comes a turning point in every man's life, a time when he needs help. It happened to me also. Now this family helped me. I hope I repaid my debt. And I may add, some of the money went into a project of my own. I hope you won't mind sir...You see, with the aid of Tommy Gray, I was able to transmute a certain trinket into gold, then into stock, and then into pearls again....I've been repaid in many ways. I learned patience from Mr. Bullock. I found Mrs. Bullock at all times, shall we say, amusing....[To Cornelia] You taught me the fallacy of false pride. You taught me humility....Miss Cornelia, there have been other spoiled children in the world. I happen to be one of them myself. You're a high-spirited girl. I can only hope that you use those high spirits in a more constructive way. And so, good-day.

Irene Bullock:
[at her wedding to Godfrey] Stand still, Godfrey, it'll all be over in a minute.

Carlo:
Oh, Money, money, money! The Frankenstein Monster that destroys souls.