NewsRadio

[reading cards from the complaint box]

Dave:
"You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."

Joe:
Hey.

Dave:
[pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I like it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."

Lisa:
I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.

Dave:
Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate. [continues reading the complaint cards] Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."

Bill, Beth, Lisa, Matthew, Joe:
SHAFT.

Bill:
I thought we'd all enjoy that.

Dave:
[reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.

Dave:
[in drag]... After all, I am the belle of the ball.

Lisa:
More like 'party slut'.

Dave:
Jealous.

Bill:
In the future, it might help if you located the source of your rage before you unleashed it on the world.

[Mr. James gets Matthew a set of "Fibber McGee and Molly" tapes for Christmas]

Matthew:
[laughing] You gotta listen to this. Molly tells Fibber McGee to clean out the closet, so Fibber McGee goes to the closet and guess what happens?

Dave:
He opens the closet and everything inside falls out on top of him.

Matthew:
[stops laughing] Oh, that's what that sound is. [starts laughing again] That's even funnier!

Lisa:
I'm not doing a shoot.

Jimmy James:
You're not doing the shoot? What, are you crazy? That's free advertising for the station! Honey, free advertising - that's something you just can't buy.

Jimmy James:
I think we should just die with our boots on.

Dave:
Sir, what are you talking about?

Jimmy James:
Oh, I don't know. I was just trying to get you guys to notice my new boots.

Jimmy James:
Hold it, Bill. I've heard Penthouse letters that were more plausible than this.

Bill:
So have I. But the fact is the woman wanted me, and the fact that she couldn't have me made her insane with what the great poets have called "manimal lust."

Jimmy James:
I'm out of here. This has been the worst cracker time in recorded history.

Bill:
Oh, I remember one time my father came home from a night on the town, which of course had turned into a week, and my mother said, "John, is there anything you won't drink?" and my father shot back, "Poison! I'm saving it for you!" [laughs] And I and my brother, who's now an alcoholic himself, just about died laughing.

Lisa:
And this is a happy memory for you?

Bill:
Of course! Another time I was cut from the high school football team, and my mother said, "Central's lost a fullback, but the McNeals have gained a daughter." [laughing] In front of the other players, too! Priceless! [laughs] Good times.

Matthew:
You see Lisa, sometimes people aren't as they seem...

Lisa:
You're gay Matthew?

Matthew:
I am?

Joe:
You are?

Matthew:
No, no, it's about Dave!

Lisa:
Dave is gay?

Matthew:
He is?

Joe:
Wow, Dave is gay?

Matthew:
No, no, Dave is Canadian!

Lisa:
[storms into room where Dave is talking to Mr. James] You're Canadian?

Jimmy James:
I am?

Lisa:
No, not you sir, Dave!

Dave:
Is your own life so boring that you have to obsess about imaginary love triangles you're not even a part of?

Bill:
Yes.

[Bill is on the phone with Lisa during the middle of the night]

Lisa:
Bill, are you fully dressed?

[Long pause]

Bill:
...Yes

Lisa:
Goodbye Bill.

Lisa:
Did you get upset when that sweet 18-year-old kid in accounting had that crush on you?

Dave:
Oh, that was different.

Lisa:
Why?

Dave:
Well, for one thing, he was a guy. And he was convinced I was gay. And he brought his mother to work and introduced me as his boss-slash-husband.

Lisa:
It was still flattering, wasn't it?

Dave:
Oh, lord, yes.

Bill:
Are you challenging my constitutional right to make nude phone calls?

Bill:
I remember we used to have what they called key parties. You see, everyone put all their car keys into a big bowl, and at the end of the night you take a key out at random and then...

Dave:
And then?

Bill:
And then you get to take somebody else's car home.

Dave:
I believe the point of those parties was to take somebody else's wife home.

Bill:
I guess that's why they never invited me back.

Beth:
Aren't you worried that Joe will hurt Matthew?

Lisa:
No, because Matthew will probably step on the ring, have an allergic reaction to all the cigar smoke, have a sneezing fit, and the referee will call off the fight.

Lisa:
I get the steak, and I can stand the cigar smoke, but the boxing? That's just gay.

Bill:
You couldn't be more wrong. It's a fine tradition dating back to the cradle of western civilization.

Dave:
No, Bill, you're thinking of all-naked Greco-Roman wrestling.

Bill:
I thought it was a men's club.

Dave:
Different kind of men's club.

[Joe is going to participate in Ultimate Fighting]

Dave:
Have you ever done this before, Joe?

Joe Garrelli:
No, but I've seen it in pay-per-view. I never paid for it...

Bill:
Dave, you're talking to a card-carrying member of the hot-tub generation, with the emphasis on the word "member".

Dave:
Bill, have you ever heard the expression "It's easier to catch flies with honey instead of vinegar"?

Bill:
Dave, have you ever heard the expression "Only a hillbilly sits around and tries to figure out the best way to catch flies"?

Dave:
Bill, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?"

Bill:
It's already happening. You've reverted back to what you were.

Dave:
This is what I am. A kind, friendly, reasonable person.

Bill:
You've gotten soft. You're like one of those police dogs who's released into the wild and gets eaten by a deer or something.

Dave:
What?

Bill:
Dave, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for?"

Bill:
Experience has taught me that behind every toothy grin hides an extra row of teeth.

Bill:
Don't try to confuse the issue with half truths and gorilla dust.

Jimmy:
I don't like employees being romantically involved.

Lisa:
What about Dave and me?

Jimmy:
I said romantically involved.

Bill:
I don't think you realize whom you are talking to.

Airline Representative:
Why sure. I'm talking to Bill McNeal of WNYX.

Bill:
Wow! I see my reputation precedes me.

Dave:
Not it doesn't. He's just reading your name tag from the convention.

Dave:
Bill, we are not in New York.

Bill:
We're not? Gee, and here I am mistaking the Museum of Yarn for the Guggenheim.

Bill:
I ordered French fries, not frozen potato planks placed in the general vicinity of some warm grease.

Dave:
Bill, don't you think you're laying it on a bit thick?

Bill:
Laying what on?

Dave:
The fake friendliness.

Bill:
You're not gonna believe this, Dave, but I actually forgot I was faking it.

Dave:
What?

Bill:
After a while, I just started acting nice.

Dave:
You're drunk.

Bill:
Well, sure, but there's a lot more to it than that. I actually feel... friendly.

Dave:
Well, welcome to the club.

Bill:
You mean to tell me that you feel like this all the time?

Dave:
Except when I'm around you, yeah.

Bill:
Well, I gotta tell you, it feels great.

Dave:
Still no answer. We've only been out four days.

Bill:
Isn't it that redhead's job to answer the phones?

Dave:
Four days is a little soon to be forgetting people's names.

Bill:
Four days in the vast cultural wasteland between New York and Palm Springs will do that to you.

Lisa:
This isn't some weird test to see if I have what it takes to be the boss, is it?

Jimmy:
No, it's not a test. Or is it?... No, it isn't. Wait...

Catherine Duke:
Hi, Jimmy, do you have a problem with me and Joe seeing a movie together?

Jimmy:
Only if it's the one where Nicholas Cage plays an angel. Boy, did that movie suck.

Max:
[Max finds out about Dave and Lisa's previous relationship, and Joe put a webcam in the break room] Who needs the Internet? I got sex right here.

Jimmy:
James James, the man so nice they named him twice.

Max:
To a foodie, a gourmet kitchen is indispensable.

Lisa:
A "foodie"?

Max:
Someone who appreciates - nay, adores - food. [Sticks out his stomach for emphasis]

Dave:
In other words, a glutton.

Max:
In other words, a connoisseur.

Beth:
It's gonna be tough to decide between you two.

Max Lewis:
Well, I have a solution that avoids the problem all together.

Jimmy:
Oh, you do?

Max Lewis:
I have decided to vote.

Dave:
That's great, Max.

Max Lewis:
...for myself. I want this apartment - and I shall *have it*!

[Matthew is quizzing Dave and Lisa]

Matthew:
Who is your favorite member of the Brat Pack?

Lisa:
Emilio Estevez

Dave:
Ally Sheedy.

Matthew:
No points. The correct answer is Judge Reinhold.

Lisa:
Judge Reinhold is not a member of the Brat Pack.

Matthew:
I'm sorry, Lisa. That will cost you one point.

Beth:
Wait a minute... were you one of those guys in high school who spent half his time at the arcade, hunched over the machines with all the other pale, friendless virgins?

[long pause]

Dave:
Don't be silly.

Matthew Brock:
I don't see what's wrong with the sandwich machine.

Beth:
What's wrong is that they only change the sandwiches every few months.

Catherine Duke:
Has anyone even had one of those dried-up, leathery things?

Bill McNeal:
What are we discussing?

Dave:
The sandwich machine by the stairway.

Bill McNeal:
Best sandwiches in the city. They're an acquired taste, but like wine and cheese, a good sandwich needs to be aged properly. In the olden days, a pheasant would be aged for weeks before it was suitable for consumption.

Lisa Miller:
In the olden days, people died of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.

Lisa Miller:
Well, it's finally happened.

Dave:
What?

Lisa Miller:
I'm becoming stupid.

Dave:
You don't say?

Lisa Miller:
The brain starts to deteriorate after age thirty.

Dave:
Where did you hear that?

Lisa Miller:
I don't remember... See? See?

Dave:
I hope I didn't just sign for a stolen jeep, Radar.

Beth:
Dave, I don't watch Star Trek.

Dave:
I don't see how you can eat those sandwiches.

Bill McNeal:
I'll admit they're not what you would call conventionally tasty. I guess they just remind me of the sandwiches my mom used to make.

Dave:
Your mom made you sandwiches like that?

Bill McNeal:
She used to make a month's worth in advance and put them for me on a box out in the porch. She was quite a woman.

Dave:
I'll bet she was.

[the arcade game has been replaced by a fortune telling machine]

Beth:
Come on, isn't she cool?

Dave:
No! No! Where's the fun in that?

Beth:
Dave, I know in time you'll grow to love her. [Gives Dave a quarter; he drops quarter into machine]

Dave:
I wish I were big.

Dave:
[addressing the video game] Well, it's been a long time, Stargate Defender.

Dave:
[imitating computerized voice] Indeed it has, Dave.

Girl:
Whatcha looking at?

Lisa Miller:
Just a list of vocabulary words.

Girl:
You should relax. The SAT's not such a big deal.

Lisa Miller:
Well, maybe not, but you better pretend it is, or else you won't get a good score, which means you can't get into a good college and then you won't get a good job and then your life will be ruined.

Girl:
[crestfallen]

Lisa Miller:
Oh, I'm sorry. I, I, I mean maybe if you have a lot of good extra-curriculars it would be...

Girl:
Can I have a cigarette?

Lisa Miller:
Yes! Here!

Max Lewis:
I want an assistant.

Dave:
You can't have an assistant and a couch.

Max Lewis:
I choose couch!

Dave:
Somehow I thought you would.

Beth:
What kind of name is Foxy?

Foxy Jackson:
Uhh, excuse me is there a Lisa Miller here?

Joe:
Obviously a case of truth in advertising. Hi, I'm Lisa Miller.

Lisa:
I brought Foxy in to improve my productivity, and she can't do that while Joe is teaching her bad words in Italian.

Lisa:
You're just as bad as Joe.

Dave:
No I'm not. I'm badder.

Matthew:
Men's Room.

Beth:
It's me, Beth.

Matthew:
*Men's* room. You need to know the secret knock. [Beth knocks "Shave and a hair cut, two bits"] Damn.

Beth:
So what do you do, keep all your money in a shoebox under your bed?

Joe Garrelli:
Like I'd tell you where I keep my shoebox.

Bill McNeal:
And remember, people, it's not whether you win or lose, because we are all going to lose in every possible category.

Jimmy James:
When I have a bee in my bonnet, I find it helps if I take off my hat.

Dave Nelson:
Meaning?

Jimmy James:
Meaning I take my hat off, and the bee flies away. What, do I have to draw you a picture?

Catherine Duke:
For the last time, Joe. I am not cold.

Joe Garrelli:
Yes you are, and thanks to that dress, everyone knows it.

Jimmy James:
...and that kid's name was Richard Nixon.

Bob Costas:
I'm not sure I understood the point of that story, but it does remind me of another presidential sports story. The year was 1948, and a young baseball player by the name of Gerald Ford...

Jimmy James:
Yeah, yeah, but the point of that story was that he got a hernia from eating too much. What, do I have to draw you a picture?

Matthew Brock:
I have itchy, red welts on my buttocks.

Beth:
Mr James, you are not going to fly around the world in a hot air balloon?

Jimmy James:
Oh, yes I am.

Dave Nelson:
With whom ?

Jimmy James:
All by myself.

Dave Nelson:
When ?

Jimmy James:
Today.

Dave Nelson:
Why ?

Jimmy James:
Because it's there.

Dave Nelson:
What's there ?

Jimmy James:
What's where ?

Bill McNeal:
Who's on first ?

Jimmy James:
I don't know.

Bill McNeal:
Third base!

Bill McNeal:
Jim, a practical question at this juncture, if I may ?

Jimmy James:
Go ahead.

Bill McNeal:
Thank you. Hasn't this been done before? I mean, it seems like every year another billionaire is trying to fly around the world in a balloon.

Jimmy James:
Well, why the hell do you think I'm doing this? I mean, the peer pressure among billionaires is incredibly intense. Bill Gates practically called me a nancy boy.

Dave Nelson:
You pick a fine time to do some work.

Matthew Brock:
I'm not really working. I'm so nervous I'm just hitting keys randomly.

Dave Nelson:
Well, be careful you don't accidentally write something.

Dave Nelson:
You're chewing tobacco?

Bill McNeal:
I'm giving up smoking, not nicotine.

Dave Nelson:
Chewing tobacco is just as dangerous as smoking.

Bill McNeal:
To my gums, not my lungs. Just trying to mix it up a little.

Bill McNeal:
Worried about the big chief, little chief?

Dave Nelson:
Uh, yeah, yeah, Bill, I am kind of worried about it. I mean, there's a fine line between eccentricity and downright, suicidal foolhardiness.

Bill McNeal:
I know. I walked that line every Saturday night.

Dave Nelson:
[puzzled] What?

Dave:
Guess how many pieces of gum Beth chewed last year.

Lisa:
Seven hundred and fifty.

Dave:
One.

Bill:
I took Lisa out to lunch.

Dave:
Did you?

Bill:
It was a lot more than lunch. A lot more.

Dave:
Wait a minute. You and Lisa didn't have... coffee, did you?

Bill:
Yes, coffee... In bed... After we did it.

Dave:
Bill, you and Lisa did not do it. And while I applaud your misguided efforts to make me jealous, I have work to do. So... leave.

Bill:
I don't care about making you jealous. I just care about pleasing your woman.

Dave:
Lisa is not my woman.

Bill:
And how.

Jimmy James:
You guys remember that secret employee evaluation I did last week?

Dave:
No.

Jimmy James:
You see all those people secretly evaluating everything you did?

Lisa:
No.

Jimmy James:
Good.

Jimmy James:
Look, Dave and Lisa work better as a couple, right?

Bill McNeal:
Of course they are. They belong together, like H and 2-O.

Bill McNeal:
Ah, that tiny new car smell.

Joe Garrelli:
[at Matthew's birthday party] Why do we have to wear these stupid little hats?

Jimmy James:
Because if I'm the only one wearing a hat, I look like a dork.

Joe Garrelli:
Why do you have to wear a hat?

Jimmy James:
[Ttkes off hat] All right.

Bill McNeal:
Lisa, why don't we go to lunch together? Just you, me, a bottle of wine and thou.

Matthew Brock:
I called one of those Big Brother organizations.

Lisa Miller:
They let you do that?

Beth:
She means, good for you.

Lisa Miller:
Best I can see, they were supposed to be assigned little brothers, but there was a mistake and they were assigned to each other.

Beth:
How did Matthew get the little brother role?

Lisa Miller:
Water finds its own level.

Bill McNeal:
[to Lisa] So, how have you been doing, or should I say, who have you been doing?

Bill McNeal:
You don't recognize you own phone number?

Dave Nelson:
He changes it every week.

Bill McNeal:
Why do you do that?

Jimmy James:
Security.

Joe Garrelli:
Big Brother?

Jimmy James:
My whole damn family, actually.

[Dave finds movie tickets from Lisa on his desk, which Bill thinks is proof she's going out with someone]

Bill McNeal:
What movie?

Dave Nelson:
What does it matter?

Bill McNeal:
Don't twist the knife, Dave. Just answer the question.

Dave Nelson:
Amistad.

Bill McNeal:
Ooh! Total make-out flick!

Dave Nelson:
Could you please leave the paranoid conjecturing to Bill?

Joe Garrelli:
That's not how I operate, dude.

Beth:
Dave, why don't you just give me the big bonus? I'll get you a cup of coffee...?

Dave:
Alright. You've got a deal.

Beth:
You called my bluff, Dave.

Jimmy:
Everybody gets an equal bonus of $400.

Dave:
That sounds good, sir.

Jimmy:
Except for one lucky person who gets a bonus of $3000, or as I like to call it, "The Big Bonus".

Dave:
That's very generous of you, sir.

Jimmy:
And also, one employee gets a bonus of $0, or as I like to call it "The Shaft".

Bill:
Joe, who's the black undercover dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?

Joe:
Why, I believe that would be Shaft, Bill.

Bill:
Mmm-hmm. And who's the cat who won't cop out when there is danger all about?

Joe:
Once again Bill, you are referring to Shaft. You know, they say that Shaft is one bad mutha...

Matthew:
Just shut up, you guys.

Jimmy:
What're you guys doing?

Bill:
Were just talking about Shaft.

Jimmy:
I can dig it.

Jimmy:
Today's the big day. Are you stoked?

Dave:
I suppose so, sir. And you?

Jimmy:
Me, I'm miserable. Deciding the yearly bonuses is pure hell.

Dave:
How so?

Jimmy:
Well, you take a human being and assign a dollar value to his head. It's the devil's work, Dave. It's bad hoodoo.

Dave:
I can imagine.

Jimmy:
Deciding the annual bonuses used to be the hardest part of my job.

Dave:
What changed it?

Jimmy:
I made it the hardest part of your job.

Dave:
Since when?

Jimmy:
Since right now.

Dave:
Oh, thank you, sir.

Dave:
You know, the $400 bonus is fine.

Jimmy:
I'm glad you like it.

Dave:
But the big bonus and the shaft, I prefer not to do those. They just foster an atmosphere of resentment and paranoia in the office.

[Mr. James gives Dave a sly grin]

Dave:
Oh, I see.

Bill:
[finds a bag of take out in his desk] Whose food is this? This desk is not a steam table! Whose food is this?

Delivery Guy:
Bill McNeal?

Bill:
Oh, right.

Dave:
Don't tell Mr. James anything, but here's what we're gonna do. We'll pool all the bonus money and divide it equally among everyone.

Beth:
So everyone gets the same bonus.

Dave:
That's right.

Matthew:
And no one gets the shaft.

Dave:
Exactly.

Matthew:
I think this idea is a winner. I like it.

Bill:
This idea is both fair and democratic.

Dave:
Thank you, Bill.

Bill:
And I want no part of it. It reeks of communism, and penalizes the person who most deserves the big bonus, and speaking as that person, I cannot support it.

Joe:
I have a message you can pass along to Mr. James.

Dave:
What is it?

Joe:
Did you know there's a switch that controls all the power to the station?

Dave:
I did not know that. What about it?

Joe:
Nothing. It just makes me giggle. You know what else?

Dave:
What?

Joe:
I'm the only one who knows where it is.

Dave:
I'm new to these parts, but where I come from we call that a threat.

Joe:
That's what we call it over here, too, Dave.

Jimmy James:
Seriously, Dave. If that eulogy went on a minute longer it would have been yours.

Matthew Brock:
Dave, if by some incredible miracle Bill does come back, don't tell him I put his coffee mug in my pants.

Mover:
[Jimmy is taking Bill's desk] Mr. James, if you want a desk, I know a guy...

Jimmy James:
No, thanks. Thanks, but, uh... I want this desk right here.

Dave Nelson:
Joe, my office is on fire.

[Bill is frustrated that he has no ideas for his new book]

Bill:
Did you know that when Dan Rather was 19 he was the youngest photographer for the Associated Press?

Dave:
Okay, well, what were you doing at 19?

Bill:
Drinking.

Dave:
Well, how about how hard it was to break into the industry? You know, all the struggles...

Bill:
My aunt owned a radio station. She hired me to try to get me to stop drinking.

Bill:
The problem, as I see it, is that I have absolutely no personality of my own.

Bill:
What's so interesting about radio?

Dave:
I think radio is a fascinating medium.

Bill:
You're from Wisconsin. Artificial light is fascinating to you.

Dave:
How much have you done so far?

Bill:
The outline.

Dave:
How long is it?

Bill:
Two words: "The outline."

Bill:
Knock-knock.

Dave:
What do you want, Bill?

Bill:
No, Dave. Knock-knock.

Dave:
Oh, okay. Who's there?

Bill:
Bill McNeal.

Dave:
Bill McNeal who?

Bill:
That's really all I have so far.

Bill:
[speaking into tape recorder] Chicago, 1968. The Democratic Convention. Hippies and yippies alike fill the streets, waging a war of peace against Mayor Daley's thugs. There I was... watching it on TV in my dorm and drinking.

Jimmy James:
You're gonna be big, son. Bigger than... Say, Dave. What's the name of that guy who's really big?

Dave:
Andre the Giant?

Jimmy James:
No, no, the one that's not dead yet.

Dave:
Hulk Hogan?

Jimmy James:
Bingo!

Bill:
I think I have a title.

Dave:
What is it?

Bill:
I Suck: The Bill McNeal Story.

Bill:
You told them, didn't you?

Dave:
Told them what?

Bill:
That I haven't written a word. That my life couldn't fill a haiku, let alone a whole book.

Lisa Miller:
What is this?

Dave:
Bill's making a deal to write a book.

Lisa Miller:
What kind?

Dave:
Authobiography, sort of like that Howard Stern thing.

Lisa Miller:
You mean about the ins and outs of lesbianism and sport spanking?

Dave:
I certainly hope so.

Lisa Miller:
I bet you do.

Dave:
I'm just thirsty for knowledge.

Catherine Duke:
What about me, Bill? All I have is a great radio voice just like you.

Bill:
Yes, except you're a woman and you're black. Oh, what I wouldn't give.

Catherine Duke:
It's not all it's cracked up to be, Bill.

Bill:
[after Jimmy broke his cardboard lookalike, not knowing he was there] Et tu, Jimmy?

Dave:
[confronting the staff] Nobody has to tell me anything because... I was hiding under the desk the whole time!

[the staff is upset at Dave's eavesdropping. Jimmy steps in]

Jimmy:
Now, look, people, it doesn't matter whether...

[pause]

Jimmy:
Dave, you were under the desk the whole time? You didn't tell me that.

Dave:
Well, it was kind of unintentional, sir.

Jimmy:
Oh, I see, right. Now, look, people, it doesn't matter whether...

[pause]

Jimmy:
Actually, y'know what, this is all pretty pathetic. I'm gonna have to distance myself from you. I'll see ya, Dave.

Jimmy:
You're the boss, you're supposed to be thick-skinned.

Dave:
I am plenty thick-skinned.

Jimmy:
Come on, I've seen thicker skin on a bowl of pudding. Here, check this out.

[Mr. James lays his hand over a lit candle]

Dave:
Sir, you don't have to impress me.

Jimmy:
Wanna know the secret?

Dave:
Wild guess... Thick skin?

Jimmy:
Well, metaphysically, yes. Technically speaking, you do it fifteen, sixteen times, it kills all the nerve endings in your hand.

Beth:
Presenting "Dave the Insane Maniac," a play in one act, by Beth and Bill.

[Bill walks in on his knees, holding a coffee mug]

Beth:
Hello, Dave.

Bill:
[High-pitched voice] Hello, employee. You look miserable and oppressed.

Beth:
I am. We can't take taxicabs home anymore.

Bill:
Excelent! That's good news to me. You see, I'm from Wis-cahn-sin, where taxicabs are feared and hunted for the delicious meat under their hoods.

Beth:
Comedy...

Bill:
Or tragedy?

Beth, Bill:
You be the judge.

Jimmy:
Hey, Mike! Mike Eisner! That's Mike Eisner. Great guy, great guy. Got skin like a rhino.

Dave:
I think that's Mike Ovitz.

Jimmy:
Doesn't matter. They're all the same.

Joe:
Did Thomas Edison give up?

Bill:
Thomas Edison wasn't trying to invent something that was readily available in a wide variety of stores near his home.

Joe:
I never touch any of that mass-produced crap.

Dave:
Well, that's very neo-Luddite of you.

Joe:
Well, that's very neo-unnecessary-big-word of you.

Joe:
Hey, Lisa, tell us the truth. Dave buys his suits at the little boys' department, doesn't he?

Matthew Brock:
[after Bill scares him and he almost spills his coffee] Nice try, Bill, but you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to...

Beth:
Matthew, do you have the time?

Matthew Brock:
Yeah, it's... [Looks at his watch, accidentally spilling his coffee all over his shirt]

Lisa Miller:
I thought I smelled Dave's burning flesh. This is new, having the b*tch session in the office of the bitchee.

Matthew Brock:
It's more exciting because it's taboo.

Jimmy:
Say, is your mom still married to that guy?

Dave:
You mean my dad?

Jimmy:
Yeah.

Dave:
I'm afraid so, sir.

Jimmy:
Well, if she ever changes her mind...

Lisa Miller:
Anyway, I think Dave looks cute in that suit.

Beth:
Oh yeah, almost just like a real grown-up.

Lisa Miller:
No, he really does. He looks like he just stepped out of a Norman Rockwell painting... First Day At Bible College.

Lisa Miller:
[to Dave, who is lying prone on his desk] Are you OK?

Dave:
Yeah, fine. I'm just resting up for that big sale at... Baby Gap.

Dave:
Is that what girlfriends do?

Lisa Miller:
Well, I said you, you looked cute.

Dave:
I just keep trying to figure out in my head, I mean, does she really love me, or is it just the thrill of possibly being picked up on charges of corrupting a minor?

Dave:
[to the staff] You know what? I was a little concerned that I was coming off as, I don't know, an insane Norman Rockwell bible school boy maniac.

Jimmy:
[Beth has bandages on her hands] What's wrong with your hands?

Beth:
I have carpal tunnel syndrome.

Jimmy:
Oh, yeah. People get that from typing all day.

Beth:
Yeah, I know.

Jimmy:
How did you get it?

Beth:
No idea.

Max:
You know, I can help you with that.

Lisa:
Help me with what, Max?

Max:
Your speech impediment.

Lisa:
I don't have a speech impediment.

Max:
You have a classic sibilant S.

Lisa:
I do not have a sibilant S.

Max:
I do not have a sssibilant Ssss.

Lisa:
That's not how I sound.

Max:
That's not how I sssound.

Lisa:
Stop it!

Max:
Ssstop it.

Lisa:
Shut up!

Max:
Shut up... ssss.

Dave:
So what's the problem?

Lisa:
[Boston accent] The problahm is that I spent seven yeahs trying to get rid of this gawd-awful Bahston accent, and forty-five minutes with Max, I'm back at the Shell Shack serving chowdah to those jehks from Hahvahd!

Dave:
Hey, your sibilant S is gone.

Dave:
Mr. James, do you have any advice for the young ones?

Jimmy:
Always use a condom, and if you're too embarrased to ask, just shoplift them. It's easy!

Jimmy:
Max, if you try any of that mind-trick stuff on me, I'll be on you like ugly on a ape.

Max:
Like ugly on *an* ape.

Jimmy:
Get out of here!

Jimmy:
Thanks, Bill.

Bill:
Thanks for what, Jim? Thanks for being man enough to bear up to the curse of my overpowering machismo?

Jimmy:
Yeah. Thanks for that.

Bill:
You're welcome, my friend. You are welcome.

Matthew:
Bill. I'm fixin' for another homoerotic adventure on the big muddy.

Joe:
Sexual harrassment is no joke, sweet cans.

Dave:
Please keep it down. I can't work with all that crunching.

Bill:
Well, maybe I can't crunch with all that working, so let's call a truce.

Jimmy:
You know that was a load of crap.

Bill:
When love is unrequited, the whole world is a load of crap. Dylan Thomas, 1987.

Beth:
Desperate phone call: great idea. My ex-boyfriends did it to me all the time.

Lisa:
Doesn't it work?

Beth:
They usually end up stalking me, so if you're lucky, Catherine might come your fire escape tonight.

Dave:
Lisa, I just want you to know that I hate you and I'm telling everyone what you are like in bed.

Catherine Duke:
Bill, I'm calling a staff meeting.

Bill:
I'm busy.

Catherine Duke:
Doing what?

Bill:
Helping the good Capt'n get back to the good ship Crunchgoose, or whatever the hell it's called.

Jimmy:
Wait a minute! I've read Penthouse letters more believable than that.

Bill:
So have I, but it's obvious the woman has the hots for me. Catherine clearly couldn't stand being near me, as she was filled with what the great poets call "manimal lust".

Dave:
We're all very proud of you.

Catherine Duke:
I'm proud too. Proud to have met all of you. And in all my years in WNYX, what I'm most proud of... is what's happening at my appartment right now.

[Cut to Joe at Catherine's appartment, dressed in a robe and lighting candles; he hears the door opening, so he disrobes and stands in front of the door, completely nude; enter Bill with flowers and a bottle of wine]

Bill:
Here's Mister Won... [Sees Joe naked]... derful.

Catherine Duke:
[answering machine] Hello, you've reach Catherine. Leave a message after the beep. [Beep] Hi, Joe. Hi, Bill. If you're listening to this, then I am the happiest woman in the world. [laughs, then hangs up]

Bill:
[Offers Joe the flowers] I guess these are for you.

Bill:
It's like my father used to say: "When I was a child I thought as a child and spoke as a child, but when I became a man I took that child out back and had him shot."

Bill:
Dave, there comes a time in every friendship when you have to say, "I never liked you, get lost."

Bill:
I got you this book. I thought you might like it.

Dave Nelson:
[Reads title] "Crazy from the Heat." David Lee Roth. Wasn't he in Van Hallen?

Bill:
I'm not sure what town he's from. I think he was a singer before he turned to writing.

Lisa Miller:
Matthew, did you catalog all those tapes on the sanitation workers strike?

Matthew Brock:
Yeah, I wish.

David:
I work at a comic book store. I live in my parents' garage, with the car. And even I think there's something wrong with four grown men singing in a musical style that even old people hate.

Dave Nelson:
Just don't hurt their feelings.

Bill:
Dave, that is not my style.

Dave Nelson:
Yes, it is.

Dave Nelson:
Why the hell are you here?

David:
Because I don't wanna break those guys' hearts. You know, they've blown their whole lives to pursue this stupid ass dream, and I just can't do that to them.

Bob:
Hey Dave, last chance for Chock.

Bob:
Screw this, all right? You're all out of the group, and I'm outta here!

David:
Well, now *you're* being sagacious!

Bob:
Hey, shut up, all right? That's my word! All right, the next time you guys see me, I'm gonna be up on a stage with three guys who give a HOOT!

Lisa Miller:
It's awkward meeting the boyfriend's parents for the first time. What if I snap and just start shouting obscenities uncontrollably?

Dave Nelson:
Then I will just tell them that you're a whore that I picked up at the airport.

Dave Nelson:
[Joe is taking down the Christmas decorations] Joe, what are you doing?

Joe Garrelli:
You know how depressing it is when you come back from Christmas break and the decorations are still up?

Dave Nelson:
Yeah?

Joe Garrelli:
Preemptive strike, Dave.

Joe Garrelli:
Lisa, you're standing under mistletoe.

Lisa Miller:
All right, but no tongue. [Joe takes down the mistletoe and leaves] All right, with tongue. [Matthew enters] Not you!

Joe Garrelli:
There, I took down all the Christmas decorations and threw away the Christmas tree.

Dave Nelson:
Great, Joe. Now you can fire Bob Cratchit and kick Tiny Tim in the leg.

Max:
Johnny, Mr. James might be going to prison. Why are we celebrating?

Dave:
Care to take this one, Dave?

Max:
Johnny wants Jimmy in jail. It is all part of his evil plan. You know, the evil plan I've been warning you about.

Johnny Johnson:
Bingo.

Johnny Johnson:
That's easy- I choose you.

Lisa:
Aww... Johnny.

Johnny Johnson:
And the empire.

Lisa:
No. It doesn't work that way. It's me or the empire.

Johnny Johnson:
All right. Lisa, have you ever noticed know how really good-looking guys with really nice cars get lots of dates? Now imagine: a really good-looking guy, nice car, and an empire. You do the math.

Jimmy:
Johnny, it's not for me to say, but I think you're making a big mistake.

Johnny Johnson:
Jimmy, PLEASE don't tell me how to run your business- which again is now mine.

Jimmy:
Oh, Johnny, by the way, you know when I told you you'd lost some weight?

Johnny Johnson:
Yeah.

Jimmy:
Well, I lied, you look like hell. Go find a treadmill, you fat son of a b*tch.

Max:
Mr. James, I would just like to say that, unlike some people here, I never fell for Johnny for a second.

Dave:
That's a lie. You've been jumping around Johnny like a trained monkey.

Max:
Quick question. Who here doesn't like a tattle tale? Show of hands.

Max:
Mr. James, I just want you to know I am no longer friends with Johnny. I cannnot be friends with some one who would hurt you so badly.

Jimmy:
That's good, Max.

[Johnny Johnson passes by]

Max:
Hey, boss. Hot towel?

[gives Johnny a towel]

Max:
[to Jimmy] It's lukewarm at best.

Johnny Johnson:
While you were on the lam, your board of directors elected me CEO.

Jimmy:
That's impossible. My board of directors would never do that.

[Johnny gives him a folder; looks inside]

Jimmy:
Of course, I didn't think my board would have naked hot tub orgies. So you blackmailed them, did you?

Johnny Johnson:
No, I bribed them. I gave a naked hot tub orgy.

Lisa:
Mr. James, how do you respond to the accusations that you are celebrated hijacker D.B. Cooper?

Jimmy:
I will beat the white devil by any means necessary.

Lisa:
I'm sorry?

Jimmy:
I've been reading the Autobiography of Malcolm X. Remember, kids. Fight the power! Also, I want to give a little shout out to all my peeps in lockdown, and University of Florida Gators rules! All right, let's do this.

Max:
Why was I not invited to the anti-Johnny Johnson movement?

Dave:
Because you love him.

Max:
Jealous.

Dave:
Sir, did you really have a plan, or was all that just dumb luck?

Jimmy:
Dave, what you call dumb luck was really... let's go get that drink.

Jimmy:
Where is Johnny?

Dave:
In there, waiting like a lamb to slaugther.

Jimmy:
Want me to slaughter him?

Dave:
Yes, please.

Jimmy:
All right. The Angel of Death has spoken. You may watch if you like.

Jimmy:
Here's my plan. I will get back my empire from Johnny... someway... somehow.

Dave:
That's your plan?

Joe:
Awesome plan, dude.

Jimmy:
Thank you.

Matthew:
I know a way to make it even awesomer. One, you get back the empire, and two, you take us all out for banana splits afterwards.

Johnny Johnson:
What's on your mind?

Joe:
This is not about what's on my mind. It's what's on my iron fists.

Johnny Johnson:
So you're going to beat me out of this office, huh?

Joe:
Yeah, and it's a shame, too, because in a different world, you and me could've hung out.

Johnny Johnson:
[pulls out nunchucks] Is nunchucks okay?

Joe:
[pulls out his own pair of nunchucks] See? I told you we could have hung out.

Bill:
Let me tell you what I told my brother last Thanksgiving: give me my money back.

Joe:
Seven times. I flunked this test seven times, you know. I mean, I don't want to say 'conspiracy,' but...

Lisa:
Well actually, I am starting to see a pattern here."

Joe:
Ah. Uh huh. Uh huh.

Lisa:
One of last year's questions was: 'In the following circuit, the potential is blank volts.' And you answered: 'I refuse to answer the question on the grounds that the design of this circuit is totally sucky.'

Joe:
Yeah. I don't know how that dumb bastard ever got to be a professor.

Lisa:
Oh. Well you know, that would explain why you answered the next question: 'If you want to build a thermostat that won't be affected by humidity, try this you dumb bastard.'

Beth:
We are all a bunch of morons.

[walks out]

Jimmy:
We...

Dave:
Are...

Bill:
All...

Editor:
A...

Jimmy:
Bunch...

Dave:
Of...

Jimmy, Dave, Bill, Editor:
Heey!

Jimmy James:
Well, beam me up, Slappy!

Dave Nelson:
Actually, that's Scottie.

Jimmy James:
Geek test!

Joe:
I am not a mindless drone. Mindless drones should not be allowed to use technology.

Lisa:
You are the Unabomber, aren't you?

Beth:
This is just like that episode of Star Trek when they entered a parallel universe where everything was the same except they were all on heroin.

Dave:
There was no such episode.

Jimmy:
Geek test two!

Matthew Brock:
As you know, I have been trying to find something to do together.

Bill:
We already have something to do together. It's called work.

Matthew Brock:
The softball team didn't work for whatever reason.

Joe:
Maybe that's because to play softball you need a bat.

Matthew Brock:
I know that now.

Joe:
And a ball.

Matthew Brock:
Whatever!

Lisa:
If you're going to get us all Knicks tickets like last year, at least buy them all in advance.

Matthew Brock:
I said whatever! Who knew New York was such a big sports town?

Lisa:
I did get an 800 on my math SATs.

Joe:
Is 800 the score or the number of times you brag about your score?

Joe:
I never asked for help before in my life. I mean, I never thought I'd have to ask help from a chick. Don't get me wrong, I have asked chicks for *help*...

Lisa:
Joe, that's not help, that's charity.

Bill:
Hey, guy...

Dave:
Bill, at least call him by his name.

Editor:
My name is Guy.

Dave:
Hi, Guy.

Jimmy:
I really didn't care which version they used. I just wanted to teach Bill a lesson about humility.

Dave:
Aha, and to do that you needed to waste my time.

Jimmy:
Well, I wanted to teach you a lesson about cutting up Bill's stuff.

Dave:
And what about that poor editor?

Jimmy:
Well, I wanted to teach him a lesson about... editing, I guess.

Dave:
I take the complaint box very seriously and I seem to be the only one who does.

Bill:
A complaint about the complaint box, delicious.

Bill:
The eyes are the windows to the skull, my friend.

Dave:
Soul.

Bill:
To those who have one, yes.

Jimmy:
[By radio] What is it?

Joe:
An official complaint box.

Jimmy:
What's it look like?

Joe:
Kinda like a box.

Jimmy:
I like it.

Dave:
Well, who wouldn't after that beautiful word picture?

Jimmy:
Dave and his robot buddy, fighting crime.

[Catherine is recording on a recorder Joe made himself]

Joe:
Hold it. I'm hearing some background noise.

Catherine Duke:
I don't hear anything.

Joe:
It's like a clicking noise. Take off your bracelets, that might help. [Catherine does] Now take off your rings. [Catherine does] Now your blouse. [Catherine hits Joe upside the head] Now I'm hearing a clicking and ringing noise.

Catherine Duke:
Joe, this clicking noise. Could it possibly be from a piece of plastic hitting another piece of plastic?

Joe:
Yeah, but like a clicky plastic.

Catherine Duke:
Like plastic clicking on, say, a cheap, slapped-together reel-to-reel?

Joe:
Could be. Could be.

Catherine Duke:
Like - oh, I don't know - a label that says Garreli 5000 on it?

Joe:
Huh. The Garrelli 4000 had the exact same defect.

Dave:
I see you have stormed the dean's office. What are your demands?

Joe:
[to Jimmy] College humor, sir.

Jimmy:
I never went to college.

Joe:
Me neither, sir.

Jimmy:
Right on, brother!

Dave:
I can't claim that I knew Ted well, but I do know that he had has passions. "Star Wars" was one. And apparently he was also a devoted member of the Ku Klux Klan. A fact I only learned moments ago. Sure wish someone had mentioned it. But there you have it. Oh, it says here that he also loved tennis.

Dave:
Last night there was an accident with the copy machine.

Matthew Brock:
See? I keep telling everyone that coffee machine is nothing but trouble.

Dave:
No, Matthew, I said copy machine.

Matthew Brock:
That's what I said, the coffee machine.

Beth:
No, the copier, where we make copies.

Matthew Brock:
The coffier where we make coffees? That doesn't even make sense.

Lisa Miller:
Joe, You did not kill Ted. It was just a freak accident.

Joe Garrelli:
Matthew had nothing to do with it.

Bill McNeal:
Did I hear someone asking for stories about Ted?

Jack:
Yes.

Bill McNeal:
Then right this way, my friend, for some Ted-bits of fun, some Ted-memberances.

Bill McNeal:
Don't mind Dave. His callous mask hides his grief. You know what they say, little man, big emotion.

Jack:
I've never heard that.

Bill McNeal:
Well, I'm part Cherokee.

Joe Garrelli:
That's it. I'm never working with my hands again.

Matthew Brock:
What, are you going to use your feet then?

Bill McNeal:
[about Ted] Hell of a guy... one of the bravest sons of b*tches I ever knew. Best man in the world to be stuck in a foxhole with. He took a bullet for me in the Battle for San... Luis Obispo.

Jimmy:
You've never seen a scary movie?

Beth:
Yeah. My parents let me watch the Wizard of Oz when I was six and it gave me nightmares for years.

Dave:
Oh, right, the Wicked Witch.

Beth:
No, Dorothy.

Dave:
Why don't you call a specialist?

Joe:
I am a specialist.

Dave:
At what?

Joe:
At everything.

Bill:
Sorry I'm late. I was... meditating.

Catherine Duke:
You were sleeping.

Bill:
Right, and Gandhi was just a silly little goof who slept for eighteen hours a day.

Dave:
In judo, when the big man comes at the little man with all his force, it's the wise little man who gets out of his way.

Lisa:
Yes, but if the little man is so wise, then why is he so small?

Jimmy:
[Leaning out an open window] Say, Dave. What the Dow close at today?

Dave:
Let me check... 6020.

Jimmy:
6020?

Dave:
Yeah.

Jimmy:
Oh. [Jimmy drops out the window; cut to reality, Jimmy is still on the window]

Jimmy:
I'm sorry, Dave. Say, Dave. What the Dow close on today?

Dave:
Let me check... 6030.

Jimmy:
6030?

[Considers dropping out the window for a moment]

Jimmy:
Nah.

Jimmy:
Our ratings suck.

Dave:
I wouldn't say that.

Jimmy:
What would you say?

Dave:
Well, I would say that because of the idiosyncrasities of our current economic climate and shifts in our demographic pool, that... our ratings suck.

Jimmy:
Say, Dave. Remember when I hired you, I said that I wouldn't interfere with your decisions?

Dave:
Let me see... yeah, I do.

Jimmy:
Damn! I was hoping you wouldn't, 'cause I have a great idea to boost our ratings.

[Joe is daydreaming that he has turned everyone else into robots]

Matthew Brock:
Say, when are you going to turn me into a robot?

Joe:
Parts come this weekend.

Matthew Brock:
Excelent. Thanks, master.

Lisa:
Say, what was that you said about judo?

Dave:
Oh, yeah. When the big man comes at the small man with all his might, it is the wise man who steps aside.

Lisa:
Yes, but at the end of the match, one man is small and wise, but the other man is big and wiser.

Dave:
Yeah, he knows not to mess with the little man again.

Max:
Listen, I have something to tell you and it's not very easy and I would just like to sit down. Lisa doesn't have a crush on me, and that was just a big stupid lie that I made up because I want to tell how much I really feel about you.

Beth:
Oh, so you just lie to me over and over and over?

Max:
Sort of.

Beth:
Why?

Max:
Because I was embarrassed.

Beth:
Max, Max, you didn't need to be embarrassed.

Max:
Well then, do you forgive me?

Beth:
Not a chance in hell you LOSER!

Lisa:
So how did that go?

Max:
Not very well.

Lisa:
That's OK, Beth doesn't stay really mad for long.

Beth:
I hate you and I hope you get run over by a bus!

Matthew Brock:
I even understand National Public Radio.

Dave Nelson:
You understand everything they say?

Matthew Brock:
No, I understand that it's boring crap masquerading as bourgeois intellectual discourse and, therefore, not worth my time.

Max Lewis:
I don't want her to think I'm pathetic.

Lisa Miller:
You are pathetic.

Max Lewis:
Well, obviously!

Lisa Miller:
One, don't ever kiss me again. Two, don't ever kiss me again. And three, don't ever kiss me again!

Dave Nelson:
Joe, what did I tell you about experimenting on Matthew?

Joe Garrelli:
Come on, it's not like I'm testing cosmetics on him.

Dave Nelson:
Not any more.

Jimmy:
Well, looky here. How's everything, Mr. chairman, Mr. CEO?

Matthew:
Not so good.

Jimmy:
The job is a lot tougher than you though, huh?

Matthew:
Yeah, yeah. It is.

Jimmy:
Well, let me show you something. I made $200.00 online in your name.

Matthew:
Oh, that's funny, because I was just online trading in your name.

Jimmy:
Well, see you can't do that. You don't have access. You don't know my secret password.

Matthew:
You mean Marianne?

Jimmy:
How did you know that?

Matthew:
Well, it's Dave's mom's name, so I figured...

Jimmy:
Wait, wait, wait a minute, hold on. Matthew, son?

Matthew:
[crying] Yes, sir?

Jimmy:
How much did you lose?

Matthew:
All of it.

Jimmy:
How much?

Matthew:
$7 Billion dollars. You're welcome to borrow the $200.00 if you like.

[Max is eating a sandwich]

Dave Nelson:
Max. That's my lunch.

Max Lewis:
Really? I don't see your name on it.

[Dave holds up the lunch bag, and it is clearly labeled "DAVE"]

Max Lewis:
Well, I don't see your name on the actual sandwich.

Matthew:
This is just like that movie, Freaky Friday. Only you're the mom...

Jimmy:
...and you're Jodie Foster.

Matthew:
Finally.

Joe Garrelli:
[Matthew is holding a spear gun] Dude, what are you doing?

Matthew:
What? What?

Joe Garrelli:
That's a loaded spear gun!

Matthew:
I know. I'm not a complete idiot.

[Spear gun goes off, hits photo on wall]

Matthew:
Oh my God! Maybe I am a complete idiot.

Matthew:
Mr. James' job is not as easy as I thought. I'm having a little computer trouble.

Joe Garrelli:
What kind of trouble?

Matthew:
Can't turn it on.

Max Lewis:
Do we have a deal?

Beth:
Yes, we have a deal.

Max Lewis:
I prefer to seal deals like this with a kiss.

Beth:
I choose prison.

Dave Nelson:
Sure, we've all wanted to kill Matthew, but what good would that do?

Jimmy:
It would make him dead.

Dave Nelson:
Joe, we don't need a science reporter.

Joe Garrelli:
Dude, I'm offering my services for free.

Dave Nelson:
Yeah, but just so that you can beam your messages to space.

Joe Garrelli:
Lucky guess.

Jimmy:
I'm doing some online trading in Matthew's name. I hacked into his account. It's just a little one, his grandmother started it. Guess what his password is?

Lisa Miller:
Matthew?

Jimmy:
No.

Lisa Miller:
Brock?

Jimmy:
No.

Lisa Miller:
Cat?

Jimmy:
Welcome to the club, fellow hacker.

Dave Nelson:
Max, the break room is not your personal hunting ground.

Max Lewis:
I know. I prefer to think of it as a game preserve, where everyone is free to take their best shot.

Matthew:
Bring me a virgin banana daiquiri, easy on the virgin.

Jimmy:
I got so many lawyers lined up to see me today, you'd think I had tobacco leaking out of my breast implants.

Jimmy:
I say we just die with our boots on.

Dave:
What does that have to do about anything?

Jimmy:
Nothing, I just wanted people to notice my new boots.

Bill:
Is it chilly in here, or are you wearing an anatomically correct bra?

Bill:
I get a ticket, I pay it. You get a ticket, you pay it. They get a ticket, they don't pay no ticket, and that's why these free-loading foreign diplomats should be dragged out of their cars and beaten like the renegade outlaws they are.

Bill:
Wake up, Manhattan! Wake up, Brooklyn! Wake up... the other three boroughs! These diplomats, with names you need a calculator to pronounce, have got their hands in your pockets, and it's high time we cut them off at the wrist.

Lisa Miller:
Matthew couldn't even go to the bathroom by himself.

Dave:
Yes, he could.

Lisa Miller:
No, he couldn't.

Dave:
He couldn't?

Lisa Miller:
No.

Joe Garrelli:
Beth, when you're done...

Beth:
Don't speak! We're being watched.

Joe Garrelli:
I know.

Beth:
You know?

Joe Garrelli:
Absolutely. We're just like rats in a habitrail to them. They are conducting incredible experiments our puny little minds can't even begin to comprehend.

Beth:
I'm not talking aliens, Joe.

Joe Garrelli:
People are watching us? You're paranoid.

Bill:
Are you happy now? You couldn't leave well enough alone, could you? Now a perfectly healthy young man with a bright future is dead because of you!

Lisa Miller:
Bill, he was obviously crippled by mental illness.

Bill:
You're obviously crippled by mental illness!

Lisa Miller:
I take full responsibility.

Jimmy:
That's noble of you, Lisa, but this is not the Bay of Pigs.

Dave:
Good, because Bill is certainly not John F. Kennedy.

Bill:
I'll take that as a compliment, because if I was, I'd be dead now.

Lisa Miller:
You know what your problem is? You're like those diseased fish at the pet store that have to be kept in separate tanks. The problem is, you're still with the other fish.

Andrea:
Clearly, she can't handle Bill.

Dave:
Nobody can. I'm the only one who comes close, and I don't even know what I'm doing half the time.

Beth:
Do you know what she's like? She's like a slutty version of the singing frog in that cartoon. You know, Hello my honey, hello my baby- Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Here comes Dave... Ribbit.

Lisa:
So, Beth? Does this singing frog ever tell you to do things?

[Dave has hired an ex-friend of Beth's to work with her for the day]

Dave:
What's up? I mean, did she steal your old high school sweetheart or something?

Beth:
Oh, yes, because whenever two women are fighting it's obviously over a man, because, you know, men are all important and women are nothing. Men are great! All hail King Man!

[pause]

Beth:
But yeah, she did steal my high school sweetheart.

Jimmy:
You know, there's some sort of speed control on here, somewhere.

Beth:
Oh, hang on, hang on, here are the instructions for the shredder.

Jimmy:
Wait, wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, wait. Shredding the instructions for the shredder. Talk about your mind blowing irony. Dare I?

Beth:
Oh, ah, Sir, I...

Jimmy:
Let's do it. Go, baby, go!

[Drops manual in shredder]

Jimmy:
Now, where the hell's that speed control?

Security Guard:
[catches Bill crawling through the security entrance] You know, up high, down low, in the middle, I still need to see some ID.

Jimmy:
[after shredding Matthew's heart-shaped chocolate box] Shredding a heart. If that's not a metaphor for something, I don't know what is.

Beth:
[looking through files] Mr James, comma, Water Investment, comma, White?

Jimmy:
[takes file] I never invested in any water. No water. What, are you talking about water? This is silly.

Dave:
Well, sir, doesn't that actually mean "White Water Investment"?

Jimmy:
Doesn't what means "White Water Investment"?

[Shreds file]

Dave:
That file.

Jimmy:
What file?

Bill McNeal:
You've broken my spirit. What can I do but turn around and go home? Now, could any of you lend me a quarter for the pay phone?

Security Guard:
Here.

Bill McNeal:
Ha! You've just signed your termination papers. I'm gonna call your supervisor and have you both fired.

Guard #2:
Should we tell him that phone is out of order?

Security Guard:
Nah, I think he'll figure it out.

Bill McNeal:
Thanks for helping me get by those two idiots.

Lisa:
Bill, they're not idiots, they're just doing their job.

Bill McNeal:
Right, just like those guys at the bank were just doing their job when they repossessed my farm.

Lisa:
You never owned a farm.

Bill McNeal:
Farm, boat, same difference.

Matthew Brock:
So you told them that it was company policy not to date employees?

Dave:
That's right.

Joe Garrelli:
Wait a minute, what about you and Lisa?

Dave:
This policy only applies to Matthew.

Joe Garrelli:
That makes no sense at all!

Matthew Brock:
Yeah, it does. You'd be surprised how many company policies apply only to me.

Lisa:
What's going on ?

Beth:
Oh, we're re-filing old news stories from the past three years. Dave discovered that the old station manager had a rather unique filing system.

Lisa:
What's unique ?

Beth:
Well, name a topic, I'll tell you how it was filed.

Lisa:
Okay. Taxi cabs.

Beth:
Taxi cabs. That would be under Yellow, comma, things that are.

Lisa:
Ooh, that makes sense, right next to bananas.

Beth:
Ah, no. Actually, bananas are under Fruits, comma, ones that I'm allergic to.

Lisa:
Ass, comma, sounds like this job is a pain in the.

Beth:
Much, comma, thank you very.

Jimmy:
Dave, don't mess with a man with a Wayback Machine. I can make it so you were never born.

Lisa Miller:
[about the fashion models Dave was talking to] So, which one did you like best? The tall one with the big breasts, or the slightly taller one with the even bigger breasts?

Dave Nelson:
You know, I don't think people are scrutinizing us as much as you seem to think.

Lisa Miller:
Yeah, that's what the Rosenbergs said.

Lisa Miller:
Do you have another shirt?

Dave Nelson:
Sure. Here you go.

[hands Lisa a blue shirt]

Lisa Miller:
Dave, this is identical to the one I have on.

Dave Nelson:
No it isn't. That one is Azure and that one is Lapis.

Lisa Miller:
Can I have another shirt, please?

Dave Nelson:
[pulls out a series of blue shirts] Let's see, there's Indigo, Sapphire, Sky, and Standard Blue.

Lisa Miller:
Ever see Rain Man, Dave?

Bill McNeal:
Are there any instructions?

Joe Garrelli:
Yeah. Don't push that button unless you want to incapacitate someone for a full half hour.

Bill McNeal:
Incapacitate?

Joe Garrelli:
Yeah, it delivers three, four-hundred volts of electricity to the system at four amps. Instant temporary paralysis. I call it the Stalker Shocker.

Bill McNeal:
Yes, I see you've written it here in Magic Marker.

Bill McNeal:
Joe, this doesn't look like a stun gun.

Joe Garrelli:
And this doesn't look like a megaphone, but watch this.

Joe Garrelli:
[Speaks into device; works like megaphone] Red Sox suck!

Jimmy:
You know, back in the service we had a saying: You can't expect your troops to salute you if you're sleeping with the sergeant.

Dave Nelson:
What, what branch of the service were you in, sir?

Dave Nelson:
It's getting ridiculous. I mean we spend half of our time sneaking around here like, uh, the, like the...

Lisa Miller:
Like the Rosenbergs.

Dave Nelson:
Joe, you do not know hypnotism.

Joe Garrelli:
Sure I do. Watch this. Chicken. [Matthew clucks like a chicken]

Joe Garrelli:
Human.

Matthew Brock:
What up?

Jimmy James:
That's very impressive.

Joe Garrelli:
Thank you.

Dave Nelson:
No, Joe just told him to do that.

Joe Garrelli:
Dave, with Matthew, telling him to do something is hypnotism.

[after the hypnotism session, Matthew is left acting like a chicken]

Lisa Miller:
What about Matthew?

Dave Nelson:
I think he's happier that way.

Lisa Miller:
You think so?

Dave Nelson:
Well, I'm happier to have him that way, in any rate.

Beth:
All dogs are male, all cats are female.

Lisa Miller:
Daisy is most definitely, and I mean definitely, a girl.

Max Lewis:
We're not disputing that. It's not a matter of sex, it's a matter of gender.

Lisa Miller:
Sex and gender are the same thing.

Max Lewis:
Not so. I definitely prefer sex to gender.

Lisa Miller:
Well, seeing as you have neither, that must be very sad for you.

Dave Nelson:
Joe, Mr. James is a human being, not your personal plaything.

Joe Garrelli:
We'll just keep that our little secret.

Dave Nelson:
Beth, what are you doing?

Beth:
Lisa's puppy is licking peanut butter off my hand.

Dave Nelson:
Oh, Lisa?

Lisa Miller:
[Comes out of Dave's office with puppy] Yeah?

Beth:
Ew!

Max Lewis:
[Coming out from under table] For future reference, I prefer chunky.

Matthew Brock:
Look, Mr.James! Over there! It's Vietnam!

Jimmy James:
Joe, Matthew is making me see Vietnam in the foyer!

Joe Garrelli:
What? Matthew, Vietnam is not in the foyer.

Matthew Brock:
I just calls it like I sees them.

Joe Garrelli:
Mr. James, that is not Vietnam.

Jimmy James:
Then what is it?

Joe Garrelli:
It's a magical candy land with gumdrop mountains.

Jimmy James:
Oh, yeah. Thanks, Joe.

Lisa Miller:
Dave, I'm not too strict with Daisy, am I?

Dave Nelson:
No, I think you obviously care for that dog.

Lisa Miller:
I don't feed her donuts like Beth does.

Dave Nelson:
Well, Beth likes cleaning up puppy vomit better than you do.

Matthew Brock:
I thought hippies were cool.

Jimmy James:
They're not, they are pure evil with hatred in their hearts.

Matthew Brock:
Wow. Live and learn.

Jimmy:
[Jimmy breaks up Lisa kissing Dave who is dressed like a women at a Halloweenparty] Woa, woa, woa, what is this? The Ellen DeGeneres Show?

[Dave, dressed as a woman for Halloween, looks better than Lisa]

Lisa:
How do you think this makes me feel?

Dave:
Well, how do you think it makes *me* feel to realize at 30 that I'm much better-looking as a girl?

Joe Garrelli:
You're missing the whole point of Halloween.

Lisa:
Which is?

Joe Garrelli:
Which is sitting in the corner and making fun of all the dorks wearing costumes.

Lisa:
Now look, this is just like in high school. In high school we all liked sitting at the cool table, right?

[Everyone agrees]

Matthew Brock:
Wait a minute. You all got to sit at the cool table? What was that like?

Beth:
It was cool.

Matthew Brock:
Last year I won the best costume contest, came in third place.

Dave:
What did you go as?

Matthew Brock:
Motorcycle enthusiast.

Joe Garrelli:
Gay biker.

Matthew Brock:
The label clearly said "motorcycle enthusiast."

Dave:
Did you get everyone you wanted?

Jimmy:
Yeah, except the mime wouldn't shut up. Is there some kind of mime authority I can report him to?

Catherine Duke:
Are you saying you actually believe in fortunetelling, Bill?

Bill McNeal:
As did Socrates, Julius Caesar and Napoleon. It is the wisest man who knows there is a lot he does not know.

Matthew Brock:
I know.

Mime:
[to Dave, in drag] You know, I saw you sitting here, and...

Dave:
I'm a guy.

Mime:
I'm a mime.

Bill McNeal:
Maestro, if you please. Rumpshaker, or some reasonable facsimile.

Bill McNeal:
All right, sweet spirit. Tell me what the future holds for Bill McNeal, and remember that we are among doubters here, so be specific.

Psychic:
All right... March 8, 2032, at 8:30 PM, you will die.

Bill McNeal:
There you are... what?

Psychic:
March 8, 2032, 8:30 PM, you will die.

Bill McNeal:
I'll dye my hair?

Psychic:
No, you will die, as in your body will stop living. Pretty specific, eh?

Dave:
I haven't seen people this excited about a Halloween party since the fourth grade.

Lisa:
Well, an open bar really rekindles the childhood spirit.

Dave:
I might as well. After all, I am the belle of the ball.

Lisa:
More like party slut.

Dave:
Jealous.

Lisa:
Everyone here has worked really hard.

Jimmy:
Matthew's going.

Lisa:
Matthew barely works.

Jimmy:
See? Just when you think I'm going to zig, I zag.

Lisa:
Well, I know. But as the employer, it is your job to make your employees feel that they are part of the decision-making process.

Dave:
Is this something you learned from that stupid book on Japanese management techniques?

Lisa:
You don't actually have to LISTEN to them. Just pretend to. It helps to create a more harmonious group energy.

Dave:
Again, is this from that stupid book on Japanese management techniques?

Lisa:
This is just a standard management technique that has been used by personnel supervisors since the days of... Ho Lu, grand emperor of the Wu dynasty.

Dave:
You can't just pluck someone off the street and put him on the air.

Bill:
Of course you can. How do you think Edward R. Murrow was discovered?

Dave:
That is not how Edward R. Murrow was discovered.

Bill:
Don't confuse me with the facts.

Dave:
Matthew, I would like your input on something.

Matthew Brock:
What up?

Dave:
Catherine is sick today, and I want to put Lisa up on the booth.

Matthew Brock:
My input on that is that I should do it.

Dave:
Catherine is out sick today and I want your input on who should take her place.

Bill:
Me. I can handle it.

Dave:
I think it's too much work for one man.

Bill:
[Chicago accent] How about my friend Eddie from Chicago?

Dave:
Is he a real person or just another voice?

Bill:
Another voice.

Dave:
No.

Bill:
[Hindu accent] What if he were from India?

Lisa:
You know why he's doing this, right? He's threatened by us.

Matthew Brock:
Yeah, he's totally threatening us.

Lisa:
Threatened *by* us.

Matthew Brock:
Oh, right.

Dave:
So, you want to work in radio?

Theo:
Anything is better than what I'm doing now.

Dave:
What's that?

Theo:
I give motivational speeches at corporate events.

Bill:
You think that's an amazing trick? Watch this. Dave... [Dave's end table collapses]

Dave:
Beth...? [pause]

Beth:
Boss?

Dave:
Theo.

Beth:
No.

Dave:
Yes.

Beth:
Why?

Dave:
Because. Catherine?

Beth:
Sick.

Dave:
Why didn't you...

Beth:
You were talking to...

Dave:
Lisa?

Beth:
Oh my god...!

Lisa:
Are you nervous about that speech tonight?

Dave:
No, I'm cool.

Lisa:
You're cool?

Dave:
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm just... I'm, you know... chillin'.

Lisa:
Well, word to your mother.

Bill McNeal:
I hear you're opening for the great one.

Dave:
Tell me, where do you get your misguided confidence?

Bill McNeal:
Not confidence, Dave. Experience. I have spoken in front of dozens of fraternal organizations across this great land of ours.

Dave:
Really?

Bill McNeal:
Shriners, Lions clubs, Elk lodges. It's like I'm their king or something.

Dave:
A kingdom of fat men in little cars. You must be very proud.

Jimmy James:
I have a system. Always bet against any team that Ted Turner owns. That's what he does.

Bill McNeal:
Do I hear the plaintive cry of the crested North American quitter?

Lisa:
[Dave has locked his office door] He never locks the door. What is he doing in there?

Joe Garrelli:
Maybe he's doing it with Lisa... Sorry. Force of habit.

Jimmy James:
Back in the '70s I had the worst losing streak.

Matthew Brock:
Really?

Jimmy James:
Oh, yeah. I lost on every game, even the ones that I fixed.

[Matthew does a story on Joey Buttafuco]

Beth:
Matthew, I think you mispronounced that guy's name a few times.

Matthew Brock:
What, it's uh, Joey Buttafu...

Dave Nelson:
No it isn't, Matthew! It's, uh, Buttafuoco. Butta-foo-co.

Matthew Brock:
What did I say?

Dave Nelson:
Well, Matthew, of all the possible mispronunciations of that name, you seem to have stumbled upon absolutely the worst one.

Jimmy James:
Okay, who did I hire as news director here?

Lisa Miller:
I'm sorry, Mr. James.

Jimmy James:
No, I'm really asking. I lose track of these things sometimes.

Jimmy James:
Boy, I love a good party. Do you love a good party, Joe?

Joe Garrelli:
It's why I went to college, sir. It's also why I didn't graduate.

Jimmy James:
Yeah, me neither. So what? Hasn't stopped me from building a million-dollar empire, and it didn't stop you from becoming a... what do you do again?

Joe Garrelli:
I'm an electrician.

Jimmy James:
Well, things were different in my day.

Bill McNeal:
Here comes the birthday girl.

Catherine Duke:
I told you I didn't want a birthday party.

Bill McNeal:
You always say that.

Catherine Duke:
And I always mean it.

Matthew Brock:
Mister James?

Jimmy James:
Present.

Matthew Brock:
Buttafuoco.

Jimmy James:
Well, Buttafuoco to you too, Matthew. If you said it that way on the air, we probably wouldn't have lost two sponsors this morning.

Matthew Brock:
Oh, my God!

Jimmy James:
I'm just glad you didn't do a story about Forrest Tucker.

Matthew Brock:
I-I-I don't get it.

Jimmy James:
Think about it.

Lisa Miller:
If you don't want my input, just say so.

Dave Nelson:
I don't want your input.

Lisa Miller:
Too bad.

Dave Nelson:
Especially when it's another three-hour lecture on the legal rights of a known sleazebag.

Lisa Miller:
Well, what if Mister Buttafuoco sues us?

Dave Nelson:
For what, defamation of character? Like we could help him with that.

Beth:
Why don't you and Lisa just bury the hatchet?

Dave Nelson:
I'd love to, but apparently Lisa thinks she should have my job.

Beth:
Oh, I get it. So, when a woman is ambitious she's pushy, but when a man is ambitious...

Dave Nelson:
Oh, Beth, don't go into that.

Beth:
Yeah, you're right. I was actually starting to make myself a little sick.

[to Dave and Lisa]

Bill McNeal:
Hey, you two.

Dave Nelson:
[Startled] What do you mean, "hey, us two"?

Bill McNeal:
Well, I'll count again, but I think I'll get the same result.

Bill McNeal:
I'm taking the entire staff out to lunch in honor of Catherine's birthday yesterday.

Dave Nelson:
Oh, is Catherine going?

Bill McNeal:
No, but it's the thought that counts.

[Matthew is giving a tour of the radio station]

Matthew:
And the microphone, as we all know, was invented by a man by the name of Charles D. Microphone.

Teenager:
No, it wasn't.

Matthew:
I'm afraid it was.

Bill:
It wasn't funny "ha ha", it was more funny "boo hoo, that totally sucked".

Bill:
How come no one thinks I'm funny?

Lisa:
How come no one thinks I'm female?

Bill:
We're just misunderstood, I suppose. That's why guys like us have to hang together.

Lisa:
Bill, I'm a woman.

Bill:
Prove it.

Lisa:
[Dryly] Ha-ha.

Bill:
See? Made you laugh.

[Dave is sitting at his desk]

Bill:
Prepare to be knocked on your ass.

Dave:
Aw damn, I'm already on my ass. Why don't you try me again later?

Bill:
You know I will.

Jimmy James:
Dave, we have a little problem on the souvenir shop.

Dave:
What is it? Bad batch of Ye Old-Fashioned Radio Fudge?

Dave:
Just because all the women are gone doesn't give you license to behave like animals.

Bill:
Why not?

Dave:
I'm just saying don't get too comfortable, seeing as they will all be back tomorrow.

Lisa:
I'm a woman.

Matthew:
But you're different.

Lisa:
No, Matthew, *you're* different.

Matthew:
This is Dave Epithicus-erectus, one of the very few in captivity. His diet consists of black coffee and sarcasm.

Lisa:
I'm a woman, right?

Dave:
Last time I checked. Granted, that was over three months ago, so...

Jimmy James:
I had no idea the morning meeting was being replaced by a belching stand-off. What if I had been with a client?

Bill:
It's okay, Jimmy. All the women are gone.

Jimmy James:
Cool. Bring me a tall, cool one, and I'll show you how this thing is done.

Donny Tourette:
Hi there, Sunshine

Dave:
Mr. James, are you guilty in any way?

Jimmy:
Dave, I'm not going to lie to you. [Long pause]

Dave:
And?

Jimmy:
That's it, I'm not going to lie to you.

Matthew:
Mr. James, I think the question on everyone's mind is, are you Doobie Keebler?

Jimmy:
Dave, you know I think the world of you, but you can't deal with Johnny Johnson by yourself. He eats the hearts of guys like you for breakfast.

Dave:
Sir, I'm serious.

Jimmy:
So am I. Have you ever been to a restaurant in Kuala Lumpur?

Dave:
Nice... nice green duffel bag you got there.

Johnny Johnson:
Thanks. I found it in some of Mr. James' belongings

Dave:
Where?

Johnny Johnson:
Landfill in Mongolia.

Max Lewis:
Hey, Johnny. Did you hear me?

Johnny Johnson:
Sorry, missed it. I'll catch you next time.

Max Lewis:
Aw, I can't do it if you're not listening, boss.

Dave:
Yes, you can.

Max Lewis:
I wasn't talking to you!

Bill:
Wait a minute. I'm hanging 14 floors up with a guy attached to my harness which is on the verge of neutering me and now you want to take my story away?

Dave Nelson:
Beth, I need you to dial 9-1-1.

Beth:
Can't. My phone's not working.

Dave Nelson:
Then why are you holding it to your ear?

Beth:
To look busy in case you wanted me to do something.

Joe Garrelli:
Don't ask me to explain, but was anyone here a Boy Scout? [Everyone looks at Dave]

Lisa Miller:
I think I have a way of solving this and making you look like a hero.

Jimmy James:
Do I have to wear a costume?

Lisa Miller:
No.

Jimmy James:
Aw, geez!

Dave Nelson:
Lose something, Bill?

Bill McNeal:
I'm just looking for coffee.

Dave Nelson:
Are you sure you're not looking for some erotic literature?

Bill McNeal:
Is that Canadian for porno mag?

Matthew Brock:
Hello, children. Welcome to the magical world of radio.

Bill's Kid:
Shut up, Spaz!

Bill McNeal:
That one's mine. [Kid runs in, trips and falls]

Matthew Brock:
And that one's mine.

Dave Nelson:
You're leaving the kids alone with us?

Jimmy James:
Yeah. I'm taking their teacher out to lunch to discuss educational imperatives for the 21st Century.

Teacher:
Ready to go, Jimmy?

Jimmy James:
You have no idea.

Dave Nelson:
Educational imperatives, eh, sir?

Jimmy James:
Well, in the immortal words of Van Halen before that idiot Sammy Haggar joined the group and ruined it, I'm hot for teacher.

Dave Nelson:
I'm sorry, Beth, but this is a boys-only meeting.

Missy:
Why?

Matthew's Kid:
Because girls are stupid.

Matthew Brock:
I did not teach him that.

Matthew's Kid:
Yes, you did.

Beth:
I think we know who our future congressman is.

Jimmy James:
How was everything in the bathroom?

Rodney:
There was a guy there who wanted money to open the faucet.

Jimmy James:
That's just the restroom attendant. Just ignore him.

Teacher:
Did you at least wash your hands?

Rodney:
No.

Teacher:
You should always wash your hands. Cleanliness is next to godliness. Cleanliness is very important in the business world, right, Mr. James?

Jimmy James:
Not really. Jimmy Buffet has nails like a coal miner.

Lisa Miller:
Dave doesn't have an inappropriate bone in his body.

Lisa's Kid:
Who? The little boy in the blue suit?

Lisa Miller:
Yes.

Dave Nelson:
Sir, I thought they'd be a little older.

Jimmy James:
Yeah, well, that's what I thought when I met you, Dave.

[Confronting Lisa about her breakup with Dave]

Bill:
You got what you wanted from Dave, right? And then you snapped your legs shut like a well-oiled bear trap.

Jimmy James:
Fasten your seat belts, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Beth:
Bette Davis from All About Eve?

Jimmy James:
No. Jimmy James from All About Me.

Jimmy James:
I have narrowed my list of potential wives to seventeen.

Beth:
What happened to that really rich lady?

Jimmy James:
I think she might be a Dupont, and between you and me, they're a little bit wacko.

Joe Garrelli:
Say, Dave. You know that personal document you're printing?

Dave Nelson:
The one that is none of your business?

Joe Garrelli:
Yes. It's actually printing out in that printer over there. The one that is hooked up to the network.

Dave Nelson:
Thank you, Joe.

Joe Garrelli:
No problem, dude. [after a pause, Dave bolts to the printer]

Bill:
[Reading Dave's memo to Lisa] Oops!

Dave Nelson:
What?

Bill:
This is a word that, in my experience, the ladies don't particularly go for.

Dave Nelson:
Oh, that's just a typo. It's supposed to read "pushy."

Bill:
Even if I did blab your personal life to the world, no one would believe me.

Dave Nelson:
Why not?

Bill:
Because I am widely believed to be an inveterate liar, and rightly so.

Dave Nelson:
I know it's a crummy story but someone has to do a piece on the Williamsburg Bridge renovation.

Lisa Miller:
Give it to me, Dave. I'll take it.

Joe Garrelli:
That's not the first time Dave's heard Lisa say that.

Dave Nelson:
Give it a rest.

Bill:
I'll bet that's not the first time Lisa's heard Dave say that.

Lisa Miller:
Look you really don't want to get into this.

Catherine Duke:
I bet Dave's never heard that one before.

Dave Nelson:
Seriously, this is a very sensitive area.

Beth:
Oh that's what she said.

Lisa Miller:
Okay I'm telling them.

Bill:
And I'll bet that's not... Actually that doesn't really work, does it?

Matthew:
Believe me, I have seen my dark side, and it is yucky.

Bill McNeal:
Let's see. Go to a movie, or spend the night in Spaz's kitchen with a bunch of shut-ins?

Matthew:
Bill, they're not shut-ins. They're just people who choose to stay at home.

Bill McNeal:
Right, beacause it's a full time job taking care of 27 stray cats, each named after a child they never had.

Dave Nelson:
Matthew, Bill lies to you because he thinks it's funny.

Matthew:
I don't see what's so funny about it.

Dave Nelson:
Well, that's kind of the point.

Matthew:
[Laughs] Oh, now it get it.

Matthew:
Are you coming, Joe?

Joe Garrelli:
What's the book?

Matthew:
Moby Dick.

Joe Garrelli:
Read it.

Matthew:
Good, then you can discuss it.

Joe Garrelli:
The only reason to discuss a book is to prove that you've read it, and I read it. The whale eats Gregory Peck, end of discussion.

Dave Nelson:
[after Matthew punches Bill] Well, that went better than I could possibly imagine.

Catherine Duke:
Wow, I've never seen you admit defeat before.

Jimmy James:
Keep walking.

Catherine Duke:
Why?

Jimmy James:
I got their wallets.

Dave:
Wait a minute, Joe. If what you're saying is true, then... I still don't care.

Bill McNeal:
Did you see the hot babe by Catherine's desk? Get a load of the warheads on that battleship.

Dave:
That's Ruth, Mr. James' fianc?e to be.

Bill McNeal:
And a fine woman she is, sir.

Dave:
Could this discussion continue the way it started, without me?

Catherine Duke:
[slaps Bill] Get a hold of yourself!

Bill McNeal:
What did you do that for? I was perfectly calm.

Catherine Duke:
I believe in preemptive medicine.

Dave:
[Bill's face is covered with soot after trying to escape through the stairwell] Hi there. You know, I think talking pictures are going to ruin Hollywood.

Lisa:
I'm not selfish and self-centered, am I?

Dave:
I think you should bear in mind that you're asking an ex-boyfriend.

Lisa:
No, I'm asking an employee.

Dave:
Well, then no.

Bill:
I find that being loved is no longer enough. I need to give love back. I need a baby.

Dave:
Why don't you get a puppy?

Bill:
Had one. Ran away.

Dave:
A cat?

Bill:
Had one. Ran away.

Dave:
A fish?

Bill:
Had one. Asphyxiated while attempting to run away.

Bill:
I'm not getting any younger. If this were Logan's Run, I'd be Soylent Green by now.

Beth:
You bought a duchesshood?

Jimmy:
No, I rented it for the day. You know those dukes and duchesses, they're always hard up for money.

Beth:
Do I get a crown and a scepter?

Jimmy:
No, she already rented those to a kid who is having a children's party.

Beth:
What's the charity?

Jimmy:
A $500 dinner for orphans.

Beth:
What kind of cruel charity charges orphans $500 to eat dinner?

Jimmy:
No, the money goes to the orphans.

Joe:
Sure it does.

[Beth is practicing to be a duchess]

Joe:
By the by, where do you winter?

Beth:
Oh, me and my ladies in waiting stay at the presidential suite at Disneyland. It's really quite loverly.

Joe:
Wrong! Rich people don't go to Disneyland.

Beth:
They don't?

Joe:
No, they go to Disney World.

Bill:
Dave, parenting is something you can learn as you experience it; like riding a bike, or like filing a restraining order against a crazy aunt.

Bill:
I am about to do something that will fundamentally change my life. I...

Beth:
You're getting a liver transplant! You're donating your liver to someone!

Dave:
You can't do that.

Joe:
Yeah, that's what they want you to think.

Lisa:
What is it about men and babies? You get around a bunch of kids and suddenly you start acting like women.

Bill:
Four years? I could be married with a baby of my own by then.

Adoption Agent:
I guess you could.

Bill:
So what are you doing tonight?

Bill:
Well, this is going to come as a shock to everyone; I'm still trying to get used to it myself, but... I'm going to have a baby.

Dave:
No, you're not.

Bill:
Yes, I am! I'm going to have a baby!

Matthew Brock:
Wow, you're hardly even showing!

Dave:
I want you to look around. Here we have Lisa, who today very nearly gave up a career in journalism for a life in the fast food industry. Over here we have Beth, who dresses like a barmaid from "Blade Runner." Mr. James, a millionaire who has spent the entire day eating food he knows for a fact to be spoiled. Joe, who has earned upwards of 11 dollars working as an amateur surveillance expert, albeit half of that is Monopoly money.

[Matthew is peeking from behind his desk]

Dave:
And of course, Matthew, who appears to have taken the surveillance into his own hands.

Matthew:
I'll have my man break him down Baretta-style.

Joe:
Baretta-style interrogation will cost you $15.

Matthew:
What can I get for $5?

Joe:
Starsky interrogation.

Matthew:
What about Hutch?

Joe:
I'll give you both for $7.50.

Matthew:
Too rich for my blood.

Dave:
Hey Joe, any luck?

Joe:
No. And I talked to the guards downstairs in the lobby and he hasn't passed through, so he's still in the building.

Dave:
That's so ODD.

Matthew:
No, Dave, it isn't odd, it is reality, and you'd better buckle your seatbelt, because reality SUCKS!

Dave:
Ever been b*tch-slapped?

Beth:
He's so good. Hard to believe he was fired from 37 different stations.

Dave:
Don't ask, don't tell.

Beth:
Are you saying he was a gay Marine?

Matthew:
I know why he was fired from all those jobs.

Dave:
Why?

Matthew:
Because I hate him.

Dave:
Max, everyone is just a little bit weird.

Max:
I collect buttons.

Dave:
That sounds like a normal hobby.

Max:
And rubber bands. I put peanut butter on absolutely everything, even steak.

Dave:
Well, it's an acquired taste, but it's hardly...

Max:
I still have the sweater my mother knitted for me when I was a baby.

Dave:
That's sweet.

Max:
...and I'm wearing it right now.

Max:
So I can just be myself?

Dave:
Yes.

Max:
Indulge my likes and dislikes?

Dave:
Yes.

Max:
Feel free to express my opinions?

Dave:
Absolutely!

Max:
Can I use my own voice?

Dave:
Max, I would like nothing more.

Max:
[Speaking in Dave's voice] Dave, I can't thank you enough.

Dave:
Oh, that's just... Ew!

Max:
And I put aluminum foil on all my windows.

Dave:
To keep out the light?

Max:
No, to keep them clean, only it doesn't work.

Joe:
My sources tell me that there is no sign of a Max Louis working on any of those stations.

Dave:
And by sources, I assume that means other electricians?

Joe:
We're everywhere, Dave. But don't worry. We like you.

[Mr. James talks Dave into letting Lisa go undercover]

Dave:
Mr. James, why are you so gung ho about this?

Jimmy James:
Because investigative reporting is the lifesblood of American journalism. Besides, I lost my golf date this afternoon so I'm kinda bored.

[Lisa wants to go undercover]

Dave:
Look Lisa, you've never done undercover work before. It's too dangerous.

Lisa Miller:
Well if you ask me, this place could use a little bit of danger.

Dave:
Fine, I'll get Matthew to replace the fluorescent light bulbs again.

Jimmy:
Good job on that phone bill, Dave. I see you were able to block those 976 numbers.

Dave:
How did you know I did that?

Jimmy:
I'll see you tomorrow, Dave.

Dave:
They're just going out to lunch. It's no big deal. You and I go to lunch.

Lisa:
Yeah, at my apartment... and we don't eat.

Dave:
True enough, but at least we're staying trim.

Dave:
Could you guys just pretend to work when I walk by?

Bill:
Show me a woman who isn't jealous of another woman, and I'll show you a man.

Lisa:
What happened?

Bill:
Nothing.

Lisa:
Well, then why was Beth on the verge of tears?

Bill:
I don't know. Maybe it was Rush Limbaugh's keynote speech. Women, they'll cry at anything. Am I right, fellas?

Joe Garrelli:
Don't look at me, dude.

Matthew Brock:
Boo, Bill. Boo.

Dave:
Do you want to go to lunch?

Lisa:
No, thanks. I'm not in the mood.

Dave:
Okay, you want to get something to eat, then?

Lisa:
Sure.

Bill:
What are you doing for lunch today?

Beth:
Same thing I'm doing right now except with yogurt.

Lisa:
I just don't want you to be pressured into doing something you don't want to do.

Beth:
What is this, an episode of Blossom?

Jimmy:
[after talking on Dave's phone] Charming woman.

Dave:
Who?

Jimmy:
Your mother. I accidentally hit your speed dial.

Bill:
You know what it's like? It's like taking your daughter to the fair and buying her cotton candy and winning prizes for her and then you get on the Ferris wheel and she wants to make out.

Lisa:
Ok...

Bill:
Well how could she do that to me, Lisa? How could she... french her daddy?

Bill:
How do I look?

Dave:
Very snazzy, Bill.

Bill:
Thank you.

Lisa:
Yeah, in a sleazy kind of way.

[the rest of the staff meets to protest a policy of Dave's]

Lisa:
Well, seeing as how Dave and I...

Joe:
Do it?

Lisa:
...are romantically...

Joe:
Doing it?

Lisa:
...sleeping together, I think this precludes me from taking part in any revolution.

Bill:
Benedict Arnold slept with George Washington.

Lisa:
You really need to stop getting your history from Gore Vidal.

Dave:
As I predicted, we have something of a mutiny on our hands.

Jimmy:
Oh yeah! You're completely under siege. Just like that guy in that... that movie... What's it called?

Dave:
Under Siege?

Jimmy:
No...

Dave:
Under Siege 2?

Jimmy:
No...

Dave:
Under Siege 3?

Jimmy:
That's the one.

Lisa:
I don't think they made Under Siege 3.

Jimmy:
Hey... I can dream, can't I?

Jimmy James:
Look at Disney. If the Hunchback is running a deficit, you'd think Mickey Mouse would bail him out? Hell, no!

Dave Nelson:
What about Scrooge McDuck? He's the one with all the money.

Jimmy James:
No, no, no. Ducks hate hunchbacks.

Dave Nelson:
Then I guess they're just staying together for the kids.

Bill McNeal:
First thing we need is pick a position. Like Custer, we will make a stand.

Catherine Duke:
Wasn't Custer massacred?

Bill McNeal:
Big Chief Custer? No, he killed many palefaces that day.

Bill McNeal:
Ah, two of the most exquisite pleasures known to modern man: tobacco and whatever it is this chair is doing to my pelvis.

Jimmy James:
Dave, a budget is a budget is a budget, to paraphrase...

Dave Nelson:
Gertrude Stein.

Jimmy James:
Who?

Dave Nelson:
You know, a rose is a rose is a rose.

Jimmy James:
Dave, that is very poetic, but we have a budget to discuss.

Jimmy James:
All right then, you can be the good guy and I can be the bad guy.

Dave Nelson:
You are the bad guy.

Jimmy James:
Isn't it wonderful when perception meets reality?

Jimmy:
So, how was I?

Dave:
You were great. It's the pictures that got small.

Jimmy James:
Will you relax? You've got more paranoid fantasies than Stephen King on crack!

Bill:
Benedict Arnold slept with George Washington.

Lisa:
Bill you've really gotta stop getting your history from Gore Vidal.

Joe:
You know a lot of girls really dig a guy who knows how to use a set of alligator clamps.

Beth:
Who told you about that?

Bill:
This may come as a surprise to Dave, but slavery was abolished in this country! No offense, Catherine.

Catherine Duke:
Why would I be offended by slavery being abolished?

Bill:
I don't know. I just like to cover my bases.

Bill:
Benedict Arnold slept with George Washington!

[Mr. James wants Dave to tell the staff that there won't be anymore free snacks]

Jimmy James:
What are you worried about here, son?

Dave:
Well, I don't know. I guess I- I cut the snacks, the staff are angry at me, they go to Bill whips them into a frenzy, and because they're weak and light-headed from the lack of snack food, that frenzy turns into a full-scale revolt, and the next thing you kno...

Jimmy James:
Ok, would you stop it? Stop it! Will you relax? You got more paranoid fantasies than Stephen King on Crack!

Bill:
And it's not just the snacks! I mean, look what's happened to our smoking lounge.

Matthew:
Oh, that's *your* smoking lounge, Bill. I'm still very against that!

Bill:
Whatever. I can remember when there were comfortable chairs out there!

Catherine Duke:
Maybe you shouldn't have stolen the comfortable chairs for the den at home.

Bill:
Well, lets see... the chair costs $2,000. Since there's only two of us, that makes your share $1,200.

Matthew Brock:
No, it should be a thousand, right?

Bill:
You better get yourself a calculator, my friend.

Dave Nelson:
What evil game are we playing, little man?

Max Lewis:
You there! Who are you?

Joe Garrelli:
Joe, the electrician.

Max Lewis:
I don't have time for names! Tell me about the news!

Joe Garrelli:
You mean the crap they pass off as news or the real news the government thinks we're too stupid to know?

Max Lewis:
You are no help to me and obviously drunk!

Matthew Brock:
Joe, how long are you going to be in my computer? I need to work.

Joe Garrelli:
You don't work, you just play computer solitaire.

Matthew Brock:
Well, one man's solitaire is another man's bread and butter.

Dave Nelson:
Joe, Jesus was not born 2000 years ago today.

Joe Garrelli:
Yeah? Well, I have a birth certificate that proves otherwise.

Dave:
Joe, I didn't see you come in. How did you do that?

Joe:
Old Green Beret trick.

Dave:
You were a Green Beret?

Joe:
No, I read a book called "Old Green Beret Tricks."

Matthew:
I'm telling you, that guy is weirder than a $5 bill.

Joe:
$3 bill.

Matthew:
No, because he's two whole dollars weirder than that.

Jimmy:
Dave, please. You-you don't have a heart-to-heart with a coronary patien, alright? It's in poor taste.

Dave:
Have you read the interview yet?

Bill McNeal:
No.

Dave:
Great. Why don't I autograph that for you?

Bill McNeal:
Autograph? So it's gone to his head already. I like your style.

Dave:
Oh, I'm not going to do it now. Uh, no, I need-I need a little time to, uh, think of, you know, uh, le mot juste.

Bill McNeal:
More juice - I hear ya.

Jimmy:
Dave, I don't know if you've noticed this, but most of the stuff I do is weirder than hell.

Dave Nelson:
Wait a minute, this isn't one of your weird nephews, is it?

Jimmy:
No, no, no... yes. This is one of my normal nephews. I tell you, he's so normal he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack-smoking porn freak.

Dave Nelson:
Why did you do that?

Bill McNeal:
It's just a little harmless hazing, and as far as hazings go, pouring hot coffee and hot sauce on someone's head is relatively mild.

Lisa Miller:
You put hot sauce in there?

Bill McNeal:
No.

Bill McNeal:
I remember this one time in college we got this pledge drunk, tied him up, locked him in the trunk of a car, abandoned the car in a junkyard...

Dave Nelson:
And then?

Bill McNeal:
What?

Dave Nelson:
How did he get out of the car?

Bill McNeal:
[Beat] You know what, I gotta make a phone call.

Lisa Miller:
You look very Casablancaesque.

Matthew Brock:
I was going for more of a Bugsy Malone look.

Dave Nelson:
Beth, what is your problem with Walt?

Beth:
Isn't it obvious? I've been working here for five years making next to nothing, and this new guy waltzes in...

Dave Nelson:
Beth, he makes nothing.

Beth:
You see? Already he almost makes almost as much as I do.

Bill McNeal:
Uncle Jimmy? I didn't know we were bringing in one of Jimmy's boy toys...

Dave Nelson:
Bill! Mr. James doesn't have boy toys. This is actually one of Jimmy's nephews.

Bill McNeal:
Oh. Because I thought...

Dave Nelson:
I don't care what you thought.

Jimmy:
I'm giving Walt an entry-level position at one of my chemical plants.

Dave Nelson:
But, sir. Radio is in his blood.

Jimmy:
Radio, bauxite smelting, it's all the same, really.

Matthew Brock:
I'm not sure I can handle this. Do you know what a big James Caan fan I am? I mean, he's like the real life Don Corleone.

Dave Nelson:
No he isn't. That was Marlon Brando. James Caan played Sonny Corleone.

Matthew Brock:
Oh, I've watched that movie so many times I can't tell who's who anymore.

Bill McNeal:
I see. You start with the nuts and bolts, then get into the deep psychological stuff.

James Caan:
No. I start with the nuts, then get to the bolts, and then get the hell out of here.

Matthew Brock:
I loved you in Thunderball.

James Caan:
Actually, I wasn't in Thunderball. You must be thinking of Rollerball.

Matthew Brock:
Yeah, but when I watch Thunderball, I wish you were in it.

Dave Nelson:
[watching Green Acres] Did you know that there were six Arnold the pigs? This was number three. Not my favorite.

Matthew Brock:
I can't believe I threw up on James Caan.

Bill McNeal:
I can't believe he just laughed it off.

Matthew Brock:
I can't believe he didn't punch me.

Bill McNeal:
I can't believe he did punch me.

Lisa Miller:
Why don't you read a book?

Dave Nelson:
Like what?

Lisa Miller:
Like Anna Karenina.

Dave Nelson:
Oh, no. I lost a whole semester of Cheers reading Anna Karenina. I'm not making that mistake again.

Lisa Miller:
I'm reading it for the third time.

Dave Nelson:
You read the same thing over and over, and I'm the one with the brain made of mush?

Bill McNeal:
You know, you and me are a lot alike. You're a Hollywood tough guy, and I'm a New York radio tough guy.

James Caan:
What are you talking about.

Bill McNeal:
Nothing, just talking to myself.

Joe Garrelli:
Name three people who play basketball.

Beth:
Okay, Michael Jordan, Rod... man, and... there was a guy who spit on a kid.

Joe Garrelli:
You have to be more specific.

Beth:
Was it a... loogie?

Dave Nelson:
I'll have you know that a lot of intellectual people watch television.

Lisa Miller:
Oh, really? Name one.

Dave Nelson:
Dave Nelson.

[after Matthew gets a "promotion."]

Bill:
Is Matthew superior to me?

Dave:
You mean genetically?

Bill:
No, just in this office?

Dave:
No.

Bill:
Good. How about genetically?

Dave:
Well, he is ambidextrous.

Bill:
Freak!

Dave:
You ever play 52-card pick-up?

Matthew:
No, that sounds like fun.

Dave:
Sometimes you make me sad.

Bill:
Congratulations, Matthew. On behalf of everyone here in this office, I would just like to say, nobody gives a damn.

Jimmy:
Melanie, I'm single, you're single, what do you say we get married?

Melanie Sanders:
Well, I'm glad you finally decided on the direct approach.

Jimmy:
Well, I'm a businessman at heart.

Melanie Sanders:
As am I. What's your offer?

Jimmy:
Single rich male seeks matrimony.

Melanie Sanders:
Primary residence?

Jimmy:
Westchester County.

Melanie Sanders:
Would you be open to considering a secondary residence in Manhattan?

Jimmy:
Central Park West?

Melanie Sanders:
South.

Jimmy:
Done. Time spent together?

Melanie Sanders:
8 hours, 5 days a week.

Jimmy:
7 hours, 12 hours weekends.

Melanie Sanders:
55 hours aggregate, specifics to be determined later.

Jimmy:
I'm amenable to that.

Jimmy:
[continued] Children?

Melanie Sanders:
One.

Jimmy:
Three.

Melanie Sanders:
Two.

Jimmy:
Done. But, one of them has to be a male.

Melanie Sanders:
I'll see what I can do. Vacation?

Jimmy:
December, Hawaii.

Melanie Sanders:
June, the Vineyard.

Jimmy:
June, fine, but Hawaii.

Melanie Sanders:
Nope, the Vineyard.

Jimmy:
Is that a deal breaker for you?

Melanie Sanders:
I'm afraid so.

Jimmy:
Me too. Well, we gave it a shot.

Melanie Sanders:
I'm sure you'll find a better match.

Jimmy:
Thanks for the time.

Matthew:
So, the title is more of a figurehead, is it? What are you gonna do next, Dave? Make me Queen of England?

Dave:
I was thinking Marquis de le Storage Closet.

[Lisa is interviewing Anthrax for MTV]

Lisa Miller:
John, is there any guitar work in this album you're particularly proud of?

John Bush:
You're gonna have to ask Scott about that, since he's the guitarist.

Scott Ian:
Hi, I'm Scott. Actually, some of the best work in this album is by Dimebag Darrell.

Lisa Miller:
Right, from Pandera.

John Bush:
I think you mean Panthera.

Lisa Miller:
Right. A lot of critics say grunge has had its day in the sun. How do you guys feel about that?

John Bush:
We're not grunge.

Lisa Miller:
Oh. Well, I heard your album, and it's pretty heavy...

Frank Bello:
Just because something is heavy doesn't mean it's grunge.

Lisa Miller:
Okay, Punk rock then. Or some other type of music?

Scott Ian:
Industrial?

Lisa Miller:
Yes.

Scott Ian:
We're not industrial.

[After Lisa was at MTV]

Beth:
Well? My surprise, my surprise...

Lisa Miller:
Oh, right. [Gives Beth a Beavis and Butthead T-shirt]

Beth:
Didn't they have any with just Beavis? I keep hoping those two will break up.

Catherine Duke:
You made a list of women you want to marry?

Jimmy:
Check it out. 36 of the hottest prospects in the world, ranked and tabulated.

Catherine Duke:
That is disgusting. You can't just choose woman as if they were cattle. It's humiliating and degrading. [leaves]

Jimmy:
Okay, 35 of the hottest prospects...

Dave:
What is with you lately?

Lisa Miller:
I'm sorry.

Dave:
Mm-hmm...

Lisa Miller:
[sighs] Just that this time of year is very hard on me, that's all.

Dave:
I know, it's hard on me, too. I mean, if I hear Little Drummer Boy one more time, I swear to God...

Lisa Miller:
My brother Greg, 23 years old, just invented some stupid computer game and sold it to Microsoft.

Dave:
Wow, that's cool. Which one?

Lisa Miller:
I don't know. Super Karate Monkey Death Car or something.

Jimmy James:
I brought this for Matthew.

Matthew Brock:
What is it?

Jimmy James:
It's a sprig of genuine Balsam fir all the way for New Hampshire.

Matthew Brock:
It smells like really good disinfectant.

Joe Garrelli:
You can't let Mr. James take away Matthew. He's not his little puppet for his amusement. He has a very important role here.

Dave Nelson:
As what?

Joe Garrelli:
The little puppet that amuses me.

Lisa Miller:
Matthew has never lived more than ten miles from his mother.

Dave Nelson:
We all have to leave our mothers sometimes.

Lisa Miller:
When Matthew's mother dies, I envision him dressing in her clothes and murdering transients.

Beth:
What's the Virginia Reel?

Max Lewis:
The original forbidden dance.

Beth:
You son of a b*tch! How could you?

Dave Nelson:
Is this Have Your Secretary Committed Day?

Beth:
Ah, sarcasm. The last resort of sons of b*tches.

Beth:
Ah, sarcasm. The last refuge of sons of b*tches!

Dave:
Did you ever send out those naked pictures?

Beth:
What? Who told you about those?

Dave:
Well, nobody told me. I had some film developed and they threw in some nudie pictures of you for free.

Beth:
What?

Dave:
I'm kidding, Beth. Lisa told me.

Beth:
Well, you know I faxed the nudie pictures to Keith, and he invited me to come visit him next week.

Dave:
Oh, yeah, well, that's great.

Beth:
Yeah, well, so can I have the week off and a two-thousand dollar salary advance?

Dave:
No.

Beth:
I'll show you the naked pictures...

Dave:
Ah, OK, we'll talk.

[Lisa bursts into Dave's office]

Lisa:
Have you ever taken naked pictures of yourself?

[Long pause]

Dave:
[into speakerphone] Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back.

Beth:
Dave, why don't you just tell her what turns you on and get it over with?

Dave:
Because that would ruin it.

Beth:
Why's that?

Dave:
To tell you the truth, what really turns me on is when Lisa is mad at me.

Beth:
OK, I wish I didn't know that. Are you going back to her place now?

Lisa:
[calling impatiently from the other room] Dave, are you coming?

Dave:
Oh, yeah.

Dave:
OK, um, ever since I was 14, I've always fantasized about making love on the space shuttle...

Lisa:
Well, that's, that's, that's adorable, Dave.

Dave:
...with a space prostitute.

Lisa:
[long pause] Alright, you're joking again.

Dave:
I wish I were.

Lisa:
Well, do, do you think you can give me a fantasy that's just a little bit more reasonable?

Dave:
[sighs] Ok, uh, let's try this. Come here.

[motioning for Lisa]

Dave:
Uh, I'd like to go up on the roof of my building, bring up a blanket, and a very good bottle of wine, and make love with a space prostitute.

Beth:
Dave, what do you do when you're in a relationship and the sexual heat starts to fade?

Dave:
Gosh, I don't know. Ask my boss about it?

Dave:
That's all for this morning meeting, unless anyone has anything they like to say.

Catherine Duke:
I do. Today would have been Mahatma Gandhi's birthday, and I think than, in his honor, we should all observe a moment of silence.

[Everyone bows their head]

Bill McNeal:
Mahatma who?

Catherine Duke:
Mahatma Gandhi.

[pause]

Bill McNeal:
A great man.

Catherine Duke:
Shut up. It's supposed to be a moment of silence.

[pause]

Bill McNeal:
Sorry.

Catherine Duke:
Well, thanks for everything. We'll try it again next year.

Matthew Brock:
I bet if we lived in India, we'd get like a three-day weekend or something.

Bill McNeal:
I think we should also have a moment of silence for Ben Kingsley, who, as we all know, played Gandhi in the movie of the same name.

Catherine Duke:
Ben Kingsley's not dead.

Bill McNeal:
No, but he's a hell of an actor, isn't he?

Jimmy James:
Morning, wage apes.

Dave:
Mr. James, I thought you had vacation this week.

Jimmy James:
I'm on it.

Dave:
You are?

Jimmy James:
Why travel when you have the resources of the world's greatest city right here?

Dave:
Right.

Jimmy James:
Yeah. I'm gonna go use the can.

Jimmy James:
Hey, Dave. Wanna see a movie about a talking pig?

Jimmy James:
I mean, have you ever seen a talking pig?

Beth:
I don't think the pig talks, sir. They do it with computers.

Jimmy James:
A computerized talking pig. What the hell will they think of next?

Beth:
[walking away] I don't know, sir.

Beth:
Bill, what do you think of this photo?

Bill McNeal:
Who is that?

Beth:
Oh, it's a friend of mine who's doing a thesis at NYU. It's a fine arts program.

Bill McNeal:
Uh huh. Well, it's an interesting commentary on the objectification of the female form, and of course the masks women are forced to wear in our society. If I were the NEA, I'd give her five, six grand.

Beth:
Well, Bill, do you think it's sexy?

Bill McNeal:
Well I don't think that's really germain to a discussion of the statement the artist is trying to make.

Beth:
Thank you, Bill.

[walks over to Matthew]

Bill McNeal:
Beth's showing nudie photos of herself with a paper bag over her head. Check it out.

Jimmy:
So, like I was saying, a problem is what you make of it. If you think it's going to be big, guess what it's going to turn out to be ?

Dave:
Big.

Jimmy:
Bam.

Dave:
Boom.

Jimmy:
Love it.

Dave:
Shame wibbling.

Jimmy:
You got that right.

Dave:
Amen.

Jimmy:
Yeh. Oh, this morning, satellite of mine blew up on takeoff.

Dave:
Hmm. Cost?

Jimmy:
10 million.

Dave:
Result?

Jimmy:
Immense set back.

Dave:
Milk?

Jimmy:
Spilled.

Dave:
Gonna cry over it?

Jimmy:
Not even.

Dave:
Uh uh. Right now, I'm sitting on a rather sharp tack. Have been for about an hour.

Jimmy:
Oooh. That hurts.

Dave:
Life's a b*tch...

Jimmy:
...then you die.

Dave:
My...

Jimmy:
...oh...

Dave:
...my.

Joe Garrelli:
Made something for you, dude.

Dave:
What is it, a time machine?

Joe Garrelli:
Do you see a steering wheel on this thing?

Joe Garrelli:
It's a white noise machine. Some electronic noise to help you relax.

Dave:
Aren't those things supposed to be smaller?

Joe Garrelli:
Welcome to the big leagues, Dave, 'cause those little babies only have three settings at the most.

Dave:
Uh-huh? And this one?

Joe Garrelli:
Four.

[after Max's "this day in history" segment]

Lisa Miller:
The Marines did not have a luau to celebrate the battle of Guadalcanal.

Max Lewis:
I know. I wanted "La Bamba."

Max Lewis:
[about Matthew] He's acting so weird.

Beth:
Kind of like your mother?

Max Lewis:
No, he's nicer than my mother.

Jimmy:
Don't I usually hire somebody to take care of this crap for me?

Lisa Miller:
Yeah, Dave.

Jimmy:
Where is he?

Lisa Miller:
In his office, freebasing white noise.

Jimmy:
We'll just see about that.

Max Lewis:
In this date in 1777, there was a lull in fighting at Valley Forge. Why don't we take the opportunity to make a person-to-person call to General George Washington on the Max Louis history phone. [Phone rings] Hello? Is this the father of our country?

Joe Garrelli:
Yeah.

Max Lewis:
Mr. Washington, I understand your rag tag band of revolutionaries is having a rough time.

Joe Garrelli:
Sucks, dude.

Max Lewis:
What is your stategy for dealing with the waves of incoming British troops?

Joe Garrelli:
The only strategy I know: a straight-up, street-smart, all-American ass kicking!

Max Lewis:
You've heard it first, you've heard it live, on Max Lewis's This Day in History!

Dave:
What the hell is this?

Jimmy:
I put it on your desk for you. It's one of those executive stress relievers. It looks like a little alien.

Joe Garrelli:
No it doesn't.

Beth:
See, whenever you feel stressed, you squeeze it like this.

Matthew Brock:
David, I'm going to adopt six cats for you.

[Dave squeezes the stress reliever so hard, it explodes]

Dave:
Thanks, that really did the trick.

Lisa Miller:
Dave, I think you're getting too attached to that white noise machine.

Dave:
I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Lisa Miller:
Why not?

Dave:
Because your overly analytical mind prevents you from enjoying the kind of things that... well, human beings enjoy. But I wouldn't worry about it. We've all got our little hang-ups.

Lisa Miller:
Well, that's a stone-cold bummer, Mr. Natural, but we all just gotta keep on truckin'.

Lisa Miller:
How could you do that?

Max Lewis:
Do what?

Lisa Miller:
Steal my idea. "This Day In History" was my idea.

Max Lewis:
You should be glad that I took your little idea and gave it a little of that Max Louis pinish.

Lisa Miller:
First of all, the word is pronounced "panache", and second of all, it was incredibly inaccurate.

Max Lewis:
That's part of the pinish!

Lisa Miller:
This time just keep it simple, get in and get out.

Joe Garrelli:
[shouting] Get in, get out! Got it!

Lisa Miller:
Joe, you don't have to yell.

Max Lewis:
Take off your earplugs!

Joe Garrelli:
I'm not wearing them, I'm just pumped!

Max Lewis:
Matthew, did you proofread that article I gave you?

Matthew Brock:
Nope.

Max Lewis:
Why not?

Matthew Brock:
Because I didn't feel like it.

Max Lewis:
Isn't that kind of your job?

Matthew Brock:
Oh, so now my job is to serve the great Max Louis? Why don't you go ask some other jackass, cause this one ain't listening! [Gives Max a quarter] Here, go find a pay phone and call someone who cares.

Max Lewis:
Hey! Pay phones are 35 cents now.

Dave:
[to Max] Beth's just being nice to you because she seeks the approval of her father. But don't flatter yourself. Any older man will do.

Beth:
That's not true!

Dave:
Maybe you're right. Maybe she wants to have sex with you as well. Still, don't flatter yourself. Any older man will do.

Jimmy James:
Why is she screwing this up? This is a no-brainer.

Dave Nelson:
Well, if it was a no-brainer, I would have sent Matthew.

Catherine Duke:
[on Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor] They don't serve this at bars. They serve it under bridges and on street corners.

Bill McNeal:
I should ask about our local distributor.

Jimmy James:
[about the word "non-profit"] It's an oxymoron.

Dave Nelson:
You mean like military intelligence.

Jimmy James:
Yeah, or Swiss cheese.

Beth:
Tell them that there is a spunky redhead down here.

Joe Garrelli:
I don't know how to tell you this, but there's a spunky redhead in every office.

Beth:
Tell me about it.

Bill McNeal:
[looks at a picture on Dave's desk] She looks like quite a woman, Dave. Your mom is really something.

Dave Nelson:
Bill, that's Lisa. This is my mom.

Bill McNeal:
Oh. Now I don't feel so guilty trying to picture her naked.

Fred:
Cigarette?

Bill McNeal:
Yes, thank you.

Fred:
I wasn't offering you one.

Bill McNeal:
Then why did you say cigarette?

Fred:
I was talking to my friend, the cigarette. Cigarette, prepare to be smoked.

Bill McNeal:
What's your real name?

Fred:
Ullyses S. Grant, 18th President of the United States.

Bill McNeal:
You're not president.

Fred:
Well, obviously. It's just my name, not my job.

Dave Nelson:
Bill, these people are insane.

Bill McNeal:
Oh, really? Then how come they elected me Prime Minister of the 15th ward this morning?

Beth:
Is the Swedish massage performed by an actual Swede?

Fred:
I'm not really crazy.

Bill McNeal:
You're not?

Fred:
No. I prefer the term crazy.

Fred:
Cigarette, prepare to pleasure me.

Fred:
It's your fault I lost my television privileges.

Bill McNeal:
I didn't force you to impersonate a doctor.

Fred:
But you sound just like the little voice inside my head.

Dave Nelson:
Bill, you can't vacation in a mental hospital. It just isn't done.

Fred:
Don't be so naive. You see, I have a very stressful job, so every six months I come here to relax.

Bill McNeal:
See? I'm not the only one.

Dave Nelson:
What do you do?

Fred:
I'm an air traffic controller. It gets very stressful, so once a year I flip out and punch my fist through a radar screen, and I get sent here.

Bill McNeal:
You mean you pretend to flip out.

Fred:
No, I really do flip out.

Dave:
Bill, don't ever show me a photo like that in a room where I've mentioned my mother.

Bill:
She's really done it this time, buster. She's really torn it.

Dave:
What exactly is the problem?

Bill:
What's the problem? What's the problem? The problem is, I don't have one of THOSE.

Dave:
Well, Bill, neither do I, but it doesn't bother me.

Joe:
You can't take something off the Internet. It's like taking pee out of a swimming pool.

Lisa:
He won't even admit that he's jealous. That is the thing that just drives me crazy.

Beth:
You know, I do not blame you. If my boyfriend acted like that, I would go absolutely b*tch-cakes.

Lisa:
B*tch-cakes?

Beth:
I just made that up. Think it's gonna catch on?

[last lines]

[Lisa walks by Bill with only a bra on. Bill doesn't react, but Lisa slaps him anyway]

Bill:
I didn't say anything.

Lisa:
You were thinking it.

Bill:
Fair enough.

Bill:
Good fortune happy lucky big time for you and the family... Never really understood what that one meant, but it always stuck with me.

Bill:
Your name is Garelli?

Catherine:
Bill, this is the most childish stunt you've ever pulled.

Bill:
No, glueing all your pencils together was the most childish stunt I've ever pulled.

Matthew:
Hey, Beth. Come look at this.

Beth:
Internet?

Matthew:
Yeah.

Beth:
Internot.

Jimmy James:
You know, Dave, I considered, what, thirty, thirty-five people for this job. Most of them had more experience than you, but you want to know what made you so special to me?

Dave Nelson:
Oh, what's that, sir?

Jimmy James:
[Cell phone rings, he answers it] What? Huh? Well, make it fast. I'm in the middle of telling the guy why he's so special to me. No, no, it's work-related.

Jimmy James:
[looking at a stocks report] Ten points? What, are you kidding me? You pulling my chain?

Dave Nelson:
Sir, is there something wrong?

Jimmy James:
I own a lot of Euro Disney.

Bill McNeal:
Don't you think I should do the Al Gore interview? Because phone interviews keep me alert and if I'm not alert I might just start reading the news veeery slooowly, liiike thiiiis.

Ed Harlow:
I will see what I can do.

Bill McNeal:
Thanks, buddy. I know you'll make the right deciiiisiooon.

Dave Nelson:
Mr. James, the Ed Harlow situation: it has been confronted and resolved.

Jimmy James:
Wow, that was fast. Boy, you are a cold-blooded son of a gun, Dave. But, God bless you. I didn't think you were the firing type.

Dave Nelson:
Actually, Ed quit. But that saves you two weeks severance pay.

Jimmy James:
Quit? No, I didn't want Ed to quit. I wanted you to fire him!

Dave Nelson:
Well, that's really sort of a moot point now, isn't it, sir?

Ed Harlow:
[comes out of the elevator, kicks the box with his effects to Dave] Get the box, would you, Dave?

Jimmy James:
Dave, Ed quits three times a week. Hell, sometimes he comes in on Sundays just to quit a few times without any distractions.

Dave Nelson:
I did not know that.

Jimmy James:
Well, it looks like you've got a walking, talking moot point to deal with, don't it. Pick it up.

[Dave picks up Ed's box]

Jimmy James:
What's on your mind?

Dave Nelson:
Two things. Well, first, I want you to promise me when my time is up here, you'll tell me yourself and not have my replacement fire me.

Jimmy James:
What's the second thing?

Dave Nelson:
Well, uh, I wanted to let you know that I understand now that what you put me through today was a test.

Jimmy James:
Could be. Or, could be I'm just making it all up as I go along.

Dave Nelson:
Which is it?

Jimmy James:
You'll never know.

Jimmy James:
Yesterday I tried to unload the station and no one would buy it. Rupert Murdoch laughed at me so hard, I thought my speakerphone would burst into flames.

Jimmy James:
Plan A was a bust. Everyone, meet Plan B.

Andrea:
Hi, everyone.

Matthew Brock:
Planbee. What an unusual name. Is it Chinese?

Andrea:
You can call me Andrea, and you must be Matthew.

Matthew Brock:
Nice to meet you, Andrea Planbee.

Bill McNeal:
Plan B is not a plan at all, it's a witch hunt.

Andrea:
Don't be silly.

Bill McNeal:
If anyone here is a witch, it's Beth. Look at how she dresses. Case closed. And yes, I must be Bill.

Matthew Brock:
What do you think is more efficient? Brushing your teeth in your pajamas, or your work clothes.

Andrea:
I'm not sure I understand the question.

Matthew Brock:
I think PJs, because if you get toothpaste in your work clothes, your whole day is screwed. True story.

Dave Nelson:
Sir, you're leaving?

Jimmy James:
Dave, you don't put a piranha in the kiddie pool and stick around to watch the bubbles.

Jimmy:
I had a dishwashing detergent with a great name: "Dandy Clean". Everybody trusted it, then that whole break-dancing fad hit, and my people told me to change the name so I can stay hip. The whole thing went bust in less than a year.

Lisa:
What did you change the name to, sir?

Jimmy:
Break-dancing Detergent.

Lisa:
Here, Matthew.

Matthew:
Oh, valentines.

Lisa:
No, Valentine's Day was two months ago. This is a thank-you note for my wedding gift.

Matthew:
Do thank-you notes have candy inside them?

Lisa:
Yours does.

Matthew:
Excellent!

Lisa:
Max Louis is off today, filling in for him is our own Matthew Brock with the Brock Report. Opinions expressed by Matthew Brock do not necessarily express the opinions of WNYX. Facts stated by Matthew Brock are not necessarily facts.

Max:
Why won't you be a man for once in your life and take responsibility for my actions?

Max:
I have spring fever, and there's only one cure for that.

Lisa:
Euthanasia?

Jimmy:
What's her problem?

Max:
Beth thinks I'm only quitting to get her to go out with me.

Jimmy:
Are you?

Max:
No, although I'm not averse to a quickie.

Beth:
Max is not leaving, it's just a ploy to get me to go out with him.

Dave Nelson:
Wow. Your vanity equals his insanity.

Dave Nelson:
Max, how do I know you won't do anything this moronic in the future?

Max:
You can't.

Lisa:
Mr. James, tell Joe he can't copyright my name.

Jimmy:
You can't copyright any employee's name.

Lisa:
See?

Jimmy:
Because I own the copyrights to all your names.

Matthew, Joe Garrelli:
What?

Jimmy:
When are you people going to start reading your contracts?

[Mr. James loses big in a poker game]

Dave:
What did you lose.

Jimmy:
Bill.

Bill:
Yes.

Jimmy:
Bill.

Bill:
Right here, chief.

Jimmy:
I don't think you understand me. I lost Bill!

Dave:
Wait a minute, you carry your contract around?

Bill:
At a time like this it doesn't seem so crazy, does it?

Jimmy:
Page 15, article 4, paragraph 1.

Bill:
Contract transferable to third party in case of sale, merger, corporate restructuring, liquidation, bankruptcy and/or act of God - it doesn't say anything about...

Jimmy:
Read your act of God, clause and clarification.

Bill:
Jimmy James will hereafter and for the purposes of this contract only [realization sets in] be referred to as God.

Dave:
Sir, can I see you in my office for a moment?

[Bill finds out Mr. James lost him in a poker game]

Bill:
You can't bet me in a poker game.

Jimmy:
I'm afraid I can, check your contract.

[Bill pulls out his contract]

Dave:
Wait a minute. You carry around your contract?

Bill:
At times like these, it doesn't sound so ridiculous, now does it?

Dave:
Someone has been rummaging in the recycling bins.

Matthew Brock:
Me. I'm trying to find the winning can in that contest.

Bill:
That contest was over after the Super Bowl.

Matthew Brock:
The Super what?

Jimmy:
All right, you know the opponents...

Lisa Miller:
Check.

Jimmy:
You know the odds...

Lisa Miller:
Check.

Jimmy:
And you know the stakes.

Lisa Miller:
Check. Now, how do you play poker?

Dave:
The photocopier will be fixed this afternoon. Apparently, someone was trying to photocopy a mirror.

Beth:
Reflective glasses, actually. I was trying to prove a theory about the fifth dimension.

Dave:
Well, Agent Scully, you just shorted out the entire building.

Catherine Duke:
You need good luck. Here.

Jimmy:
Get that thing away from me. That's bad hoodoo.

Catherine Duke:
It's a rabbit's foot.

Jimmy:
Ooh, that's good hoodoo!

Bill:
I know when I'm not wanted.

Catherine Duke:
Then why haven't you left before?

Dave:
Sir, you know that I don't necessarily think you'd make a bad president, right? It's just that I think you'd be wiser to start out smaller.

Jimmy:
Oh, come on, Dave. What am I going to do- run for prime minister of Cambodia and work my way up? No, that's not me. I'll tell you what- between you and me, I think I can WIN this thing.

Dave:
Maybe. Or MAYBE, you'll just make an ass of yourself in front of the entire nation, uh, lose all your money and your credibility, and become known as that crazy old man that children taunt by shouting, 'how's it going, Mister President.'

Jimmy:
I don't see Bob Dole complaining about it.

Dave:
I just think you should slow down.

Jimmy:
No. No David, if nattering nabobs like you had their way, NOBODY would run naked through the Chicago Mercantile Exchange.

Lisa:
Did you lose a bet, sir?

Jimmy:
Huh?

Lisa:
You know, like with one of your rich friends- the loser has to run for president, ha ha.

Jimmy:
No... See, last, uh... last time I made a bet with a rich friend, oh yeah, heh- I ended up streaking through the Chicago Mercantile Exchange at noon.

Dave:
Ouch.

Jimmy:
What do you mean 'ouch,' I was the winner on that one.

Bill:
That's my crazy man.

Lisa:
C'mon sir, you've gotta have a few skeletons in your closet

Jimmy:
Oh, I've got skeletons running around eating leftovers from the fridge, but that doesn't mean you'll find anything.

[Mr. James sees Matthew's new mustache]

Jimmy:
What's the story with your face, son?

Matthew:
Oh, yeah, this is something I grew out on vacation, well, you know, make myself sexier.

Jimmy:
Yeah, well every man has the right to sex himself up however he seems fit, but you, you look like you belong in an amatuer porn convention.

Matthew:
Thank you.

Jimmy:
No, Matthew... I tell you what, let me show you something.

[Mr. James pulls a picture from his pocket]

Jimmy:
Are you ready?

Matthew:
Yeah.

Jimmy:
No, I don't think you're ready.

Matthew:
Yeah, I am.

Jimmy:
Okay. Who's that ?

[Shows the picture to Matthew]

Matthew:
Oh God.

Jimmy:
Yep, that is me with a mustache. I carry this around with me whenever I can, so if I ever get the urge to make myself over, I just look at this, and damn near throw up.

Matthew Brock:
[about his moustache] Giggle if you must. Chicks love it.

Dave:
Matthew, do me a favor and turn around.

Matthew Brock:
What? [Matthew turns around to face Beth, Lisa and Catherine; Beth screams and runs away, Lisa laughs, and Catherine slaps him]

Dave:
There has to be an alterior motive.

Bill:
I know what it is.

Dave:
What?

Bill:
Insanity. The man's going crazy, and we've got front row seats.

Jimmy:
You know what's really, really wrong with this country? Nothing!

Bill:
Your confusing thesis has captured my attention. Tell me more.

Jimmy James:
I am a cipher, a cipher wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce...

Bill McNeal:
Lisa, if you don't say anything, it makes it kind of hard for me to contradict you.

Matthew Brock:
Why did we go to Hawaii together?

Lisa Miller:
That was a dream.

Matthew Brock:
Oh... Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure it wasn't.

Lisa Miller:
All right then. How was it?

Matthew Brock:
Not that good, actually.

Lisa Miller:
I'm sorry.

Dave Nelson:
Oh God, I have created a monster.

Catherine Duke:
No, he was already a monster. You just made him a very popular monster.

Dave Nelson:
Hear me well, for as of today, a new Dave is born, a Dave that is, for lack of a better word... pure evil.

Lisa Miller:
What if I'm not perfect?

Beth:
No one expects you to be perfect.

Lisa Miller:
You are so naive.

Dave Nelson:
I know what you're going to say...

Catherine Duke:
What? I was just going to say how could you ever leave a woman who makes such exquisite cakes? [gives Dave a bite of cake]

Dave Nelson:
Say, that is good. Is that lemon zest?

Joe Garrelli:
You know it.

Bill McNeal:
[imitating President Bill Clinton] Well, I was sitting in the Oval Office, completely nude, of course...

Lisa Miller:
You slept in my apartment?

Matthew Brock:
Well, you were sleeping here, so I just assumed that's what you wanted. Besides, I had a date.

Lisa Miller:
You brought a date to my apartment?

Matthew Brock:
Yes, and by the way, thank you. Enough said.

Dave Nelson:
Okay, I'm not fine. I'm not fine.

Catherine Duke:
Ya sure? Because you seem fine.

Dave Nelson:
Well, you know, the old Dave-the old Dave would be fine. The well-meaning, even-tempered, easy-going Dave he'd-he'd be fine with his. But I'm not fine. And you know what? That Dave, that Dave, unfortunately, today is dead.

Catherine Duke:
[laughs] No, he's not.

Dave Nelson:
Oh, yes he is. Hear me well, as of today, a new Dave is born. A Dave who, for lack of a better phrase, is... pure evil.

Catherine Duke:
Pure evil?

Dave Nelson:
Pure. Evil.

Joe Garrelli:
[enters] Hey, Dave, can I borrow five bucks?

Dave Nelson:
Sure, Joe, my wallet's in my desk. [Joe leaves] Where was I?

Catherine Duke:
Um, pure evil.

Dave Nelson:
Pure. Evil. And by embodying pure evil, as I now do, in one short week, I will have my old job rightfully rebestowed upon me.

Catherine Duke:
You're gonna get Lisa fired?

Dave Nelson:
Oh, lord no. No. I mean, that wouldn't be fair. It's not her fault. I mean, I shouldn't make her the target of my, uh, y'know, my, my...

Catherine Duke:
Pure evilness?

Dave Nelson:
Yeah. I'm still-still getting the hang of it.

Catherine Duke:
Yeah, well, don't you worry about it, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it.

Dave Nelson:
[smiles] Thanks.

Catherine Duke:
Look, Dave, why don't you get up and get me a soda? Thank you.

Dave Nelson:
[goes for it and then stops] No. [acts defiant]

Catherine Duke:
Ooo, Dave! That's a good start! Okay, go with it, go with it. C'mon more, more!

Dave Nelson:
Get your own damn soda.

Catherine Duke:
Yes, yes, yes! Alright, come on, come on.

Dave Nelson:
[tries for a moment] That's really all I've got right now.

Lisa:
Alright, I did not ask for the stupid award.

Beth:
If I were you I'd be upset too. I mean you? Cute? Come on.

Lisa:
Well, I'm not entirely uncute. I... I... why are you being nasty about this?

Beth:
I'm not being nasty. You're pretty. You're very pretty in fact. But cute? I don't think so.

Lisa:
Well I wasn't aware there was a difference.

Beth:
Well of course there's a difference. Pretty means pretty. Cute means pretty but short and/or hyperactive - like me.

Lisa:
Uh huh. What is beautiful?

Beth:
Beautiful means pretty and tall.

Lisa:
Gorgeous?

Beth:
Pretty with great hair.

Lisa:
Striking?

Beth:
Pretty with a big nose.

Lisa:
OK, you're making this up.

Beth:
That's ridiculous, why would I make it up?

Lisa:
Voluptuous?

Beth:
Pretty and fat.

Lisa:
Sexy?

Beth:
Pretty and easy.

Lisa:
Exotic?

Beth:
Ugly

Beth:
[talking through a paper megaphone] Attention, Lisa. Time for staff meeting. Time...

Lisa:
Beth!

Beth:
What?

Lisa:
I'm on the phone.

Beth:
But I am on the megaphone. Megaphone wins.

Jimmy James:
No, Bill, it's not just about the almighty dollar. It's also about the plucky little dime, the omniscient nickel, and the ferocious quarter.

Jimmy James:
Hey, I own that one.

Bill McNeal:
You own this album?

Jimmy James:
No, I own the company that distributes that album.

Dave Nelson:
Well, sir, I think you underestimate the tenacity of Bill's personal beliefs, and what he believes in above all else... is the importance of sucking up to famous people.

Joe Garrelli:
I thought you liked rap.

Bill McNeal:
I did, but that was before I knew it had words.

Catherine Duke:
Wait, you didn't know it had words? Well, why did you think they called rap?

Bill McNeal:
I thought it was just because of the rhythm. You know, rap-rap, rappity-tap.

Beth:
Look, once they start calling pretty people cute, it devalues the whole word. Wha-what's going to happen next? Cute exotic people? Cute sexy people?to the people who truly have cuteness, like me!

Jimmy James:
Let me tell you something little miss. Advertising pays our bills, all right? Advertising pays your salary. Advertising is what made this country great!

Lisa:
Well, ok, maybe I misspoke...

Jimmy James:
What was the Constitution of the United States?

[Jimmy incorrectly says The Constitution when he means The Declaration of Independence]

Lisa:
A document...

Jimmy James:
No! It is an advertisement! An advertisement for liberty! "When in the course of human events..." I'm telling ya, that's right up there with "Put a tiger in your tank," and "Where's the beef?"