Over the Hedge

RJ:
Didn't you see it? It was in a box. They always got food with them. We eat to live; these guys live to eat! Let me show you what I'm talking about. [as he speaks he shows the other animals what humans do] The human mouth is called a 'piehole'. The human being is called a 'couch potato'. [signifies telephone] That is a device to summon food. [signifies doorbell] That is one of the many voices of food. [signifies front door] That is the portal for the passing of food. [signifies motorcycle] That is one of the many food transportation vehicles. Humans bring the food, take the food, ship the food; they drive food; they wear the food! [signifies grill] That gets the food hot! [signifies cooler] That keeps the food cold! [signifies turtle pinata] That...! I'm not sure what that is. [kids break the turtle piñata and Verne yells] Well, what do you know? FOOD! [signifies table where family prays before dinner] That is the altar where they worship...food. [signifies advert for Seltzer] That's what they eat when they've too much food! [signifies treadmill] That gets rid of the guilt so they can eat more food! Food, food, food, food, FOOD! So, you think they have enough? [everybody nods] Well, they don't. For humans, enough is never enough! And what do they do with the stuff they don't eat? They put it in gleaming silver cans, just for us! [opens the trash cans and knocks them over] Dig in!

RJ:
[pointing to a map of Gladys' backyard] There are traps here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here...here, here, here, here, here...big one here, and maybe a few over here.

RJ:
[Verne is about to eat a diaper] That's a diaper, and you wouldn't wanna eat that.

Hammy:
Oh, oh! I can burp my ABC'S! [burping] A, B, C.

Hammy:
[in sing-song voice] I got the cookie.

Hammy:
[hands R.J. a caffeine drink] Here. I'm not supposed to drink this.

Verne:
[as he and RJ are about to fall] You're the devil.

Verne:
What weird thing? [as he comes to a stop at a long hedge] Oh, that weird thing.

Vincent:
All right, RJ. I'm going back to sleep. When that moon's full, I'm waking up and all my stuff had better be right back where it was.

Vincent:
Time to kill, RJ.

Vincent:
[to RJ as he watches the stars and the full moon] Moon's full, RJ. See you in the morning! [the moon that turned into a Spuddies chip and he ate the chip]

Stella:
So we're supposed to starve 'cause your butt is vibratin'?

Stella:
I'm gonna gas you so hard, your grandchildren will stink!

Tiger:
This face was bred for beauty. I cannot smell a thing.

Verne:
If you needed the food, we would have let you have it. That's what families do.

RJ:
Wish you'd have told me that sooner.

Verne:
Yeah, well that's bad communication. Another thing families do.

Tiger:
Away with your filth!

Stella:
My filth? MY FILTH?!

Penny:
Oh, jeepers, her we go.

Stella:
Okay, that's it. I am so sick and tired of everybody taking one look at me and running away because they think I'm filthy! WELL, I'VE got NEWS for you, I didn't got all primped and preened to have some overfed pompous puffball tell me he's too good for me. I GOT MAKEUP ON MY BUTT, DUDE! And you don't even want to know about the cork!

Tiger:
Stop! No one has ever spoken to me like that! [pause] It it bold. I like it!

RJ:
[getting out Monopoly game pieces] Now, this is us...

Hammy:
Can I be the car?!

Bucky:
I wanna be the car!

Spike:
I'm the car! You be the shoe!

Bucky:
The shoe's lame.

Lou:
Why not be that snazzy lookin' iron there?

RJ:
Hey! It's not important! Besides, I'm the car! I'm always the car!

Penny:
[referring to the hedge] I'd feel better if I just knew what it was called.

Hammy:
Let's call it Steve!

Verne:
Steve?

Hammy:
It's a pretty name.

Heather:
Steve sounds nice.

Penny:
I'm a lot less scared of Steve.

Ozzie:
[kneeling before the hedge] O, great and powerful Steve! Whaddaya want?!

Spike:
[while driving the van, the others are arguing] Hey, no fighting while we're driving!

Quillo:
We will turn this van around, mister!

[Pause]

Lou:
[points at Verne] He started it.

Hammy:
[after Rj opens a chips packet] Whoa! What is THAT?!

RJ:
That, my friend, is a magical combination of corn flour, dehydrated cheese solids, BHA, BHT and good old MSG; A.K.A.: the Chip. Nacho Cheese flavor.

Police Officer:
Now you do realize that was a Depelter Turbo.

Gladys:
Officer, please. This Verminator sold it to me.

Police Officer:
Hey, hey, it was in your yard, your name's on the contract, so you can tell it to the judge.

Gladys:
Oh please, it's not my fault, let go of me...

Police Officer:
Ma'am...

Gladys:
[yelling] I can't be arrested! I am president of the Homeowners Association!

Dwayne:
[quietly as she is fighting the police] Get her.

[he climbs over a fence and accidentally steps on a squeak toy]

Nugent the Dog:
Play? Play!

Dwayne:
Oh, no. No, no, no, no...

[there is a bite heard]

Hammy:
Wanna help me find my nuts?

RJ:
Very tempting, Hammy, very tempting. But first, I wanna show you this! (shows Hammy a cookie) You like this cookie?

Hammy:
Oh, ho, ho!

RJ:
Well this cookie's JUNK! (throws the cookie out)

Hammy:
(mournfully) But, I like a cookie!

RJ:
Easy, easy, don't worry. I know where to find cookies so great, they'll hand delivered by personal owners.

Vincent:
Wow.

RJ:
Vincent?

Vincent:
So I was just on my way down here to kill you, and I stopped to watch the show, and I gotta say...that right there, is a thing of beauty. That is the most vicious, deceitful, self-serving thing I've ever seen. [Chuckles] Classic RJ. You take the food, and they take the fall. You keep this up, you're gonna end up just like me. Having everything you ever wanted.

RJ:
But I already had that.

Vincent:
What, them? Who are you kidding? You said it yourself, you're a family of one. Always will be. It's how guys like you and me survive. So a few saps got hurt in the process. Tough. That's life. Trust me, you don't need them.

RJ:
Actually, I do. And right now, they really need me. So I really need this!

[Takes the wagon with all the food]

RJ:
Now listen up. What we're going for here is a vicious, man-eating rabid squirrel. Can you handle that?

Hammy:
(raises hand) Umm, excuse me.

RJ:
Yes... Hammy?

Hammy:
Rabbits aren't vicious. They're all cute and cuddly, so...

RJ:
Rabid, not rabbit.

Hammy:
Oh! (confused) Huh?

[Quillo jumps onto a remote control]

Quillo:
Uh-oh!

[Quillo has turned a THX logo]

Tiger:
What was that?

Stella (disguised as a cat):
That's just the sound of my heart. Can't you hear it? MMMMMMEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW.....

Quillo:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Spike:
This way! This way!

[Bucky and Spike switches the channel to Gladys sleeping. Quillo falls over from the loud logo.]

RJ:
Okay, okay, we're good! Go back to work!

[Ozzie throws a can to Penny, who throws it to Spike, who throws it to Heather.]

Heather:
(to Verne) Here, catch!

[Verne catches the can then throws it to Lou. Lou rolls the can down a transparent paper roll and then Hammy grabs can by can and puts it into the wagon. Penny jumps off of a cupboard with marshmallows stuck on her quills and grabs a cookie box. Lou tries to hold a plate with strawberry gelatin.]

Lou:
Oh, boy. (drops the plate) (gasps)

[Heather catches the plate of gelatin. Hammy was still catching food sliding or rolling down the transparent sheet.]

RJ:
YES! We're gonna make it!

Tiger:
My father: he had an exceptionally flat face. It was so beautiful, he could barely breathe!

Stella:
Fascinating!

[The mountain of food in the wagon has grown in the morning.]

Tiger:
...inside, I have a multi-leveled climby thing with a shag carpet. COME! I'll show you!

Stella:
NO! No! I haven't told you about my life.

RJ:
Good, good! Going great, going great!

[A coffee machine beeps.]

Verne:
(pointing to the coffee machine) What is that?

RJ:
That is what gets the humans out of bed in the morning.

[Verne and RJ turn to the TV where Gladys's bed is empty.]

Everyone:
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Quillo:
Where'd she go?!

[Gladys comes down the stairs]

Verne:
Get down and stay down!

[Bucky, Quillo, and Spike hide under a magazine, and the rest of the animals run behind the counter.]

Gladys:
(yawns)

Verne:
Move, move!

[Gladys pours the coffee into a cup. The animals, including RJ, scootch up to look closer. Gladys opens up the cabinet and pulls out a box... with a can of Spuddies behind.]

Verne:
Come on! We've gotta go before she comes back!

RJ:
NO! Not without those Spuddies!

Verne:
What?

RJ:
Lou, Penny, back to the TV! Heather, keep an eye on that human!

Heather:
I'm on it, RJ!

Ozzie:
No! Heather, wait!

[Verne begins to feel his tail tingle again.]

Verne:
The tingle! The tingle!!! RJ! The wagon's full! Let's get out of here!

RJ:
Hey Verne, Vincent, this will only take a second!

Verne:
Vincent?

RJ:
WHERE?!?

Verne:
Who's Vincent?

RJ:
Oh. Verne, Vincent, simple slip of the bear. TONGUE! Uh, erm... Just bear with me is what I... meant to say. There's no bear!

[RJ climbs on the bottle rack to get to the Spuddies. Meanwhile, Heather is trying to distract Gladys by copying Ozzie.]

Gladys:
Hmm? Oh!

Heather:
Lights fading, limbs growing co--

[Gladys kicks Heather down the stairs while Ozzie watches in horror.]

Ozzie:
Heather?

[As Gladys walks down the stairs, she realizes that she made herself sick by killing Heather. She runs back upstairs into her room. Ozzie runs towards what seems to be Heather's lifeless body.]

Ozzie:
Oh! Heather!

[Meanwhile, Gladys is talking to the Verminator on the phone.]

Gladys:
There's a dead white rat on my staircase!

[Heather's eyes suddenly opened. It turned out she was playing dead]

Ozzie:
I thought you were dead.

Heather:
I learned from the best, Dad.

Ozzie:
That's my girl.

[RJ is still trying to reach the Spuddies can.]

RJ:
Come to papa!

Ozzie:
We'd better hurry! We don't have much time!

[Verne grabs to RJ's tail.]

Verne:
What's going on, RJ?

RJ:
NOTHING!!!

Verne:
Well then, let's get out of here because we have what we need!

RJ:
No we don't!

Verne:
What are you talking about? We have more than enough!

RJ:
(snaps) Hey, listen! I've got about this long to hand over that wagon load of food to a homicidal bear. And if these Spuddies aren't on the menu, then I WILL BE! Now, let go of my tail!

Verne:
(shocked) What?

RJ:
LET GO!

[RJ finally grabs the Spuddies can, but Verne gets shocked as RJ loses his balance. RJ and Verne falls off of the cabinet dropping the Spuddies can, jalapeno peppers, boxes, and a metal grape punch bowl. RJ lands flat on his belly, and as Verne lands on the kitchen floor, he hides in his shell. Stella (with her stripes nearly revealed) notices the crash but thankfully Tiger doesn't. But the character who also notices is Gladys, who immediately turns around, nearly putting down the phone.]

Stella:
I'm sorry. I've gotta go.

Tiger:
Stella, Stella, where are you going? STELLA!!!

[Gladys rushes down the stairs and sees that her kitchen is a total mess.]

Gladys:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

[As Stella rushes in, the coal brushes off her fur from the cat door.]

Tiger:
Stella!

Stella:
Look, it's not you. It won't work, Okay? Because I'm a...

Gladys:
SKUUUUUUUUNNNKK!!!

Stella:
Yeah, that. Sorry you have to see this. FIRE IN THE HOLE!

[Moments later, green gas explodes out of Gladys's house. A cork flies out of the chimney. Just then, the Verminator's van appears outside.]

Gladys:
(coughs)

Stella:
(to Tiger) The smell doesn't bother you?

Tiger:
No. This face was bred for beauty. I can't smell a thing.

Stella:
You can't smell...

[RJ turns and looks at Verne then runs out through the cat door.]

Verne:
To the door! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

[Gladys blocks the door without noticing the animals.]

Verne:
Run!

[Suddenly, Dwayne kicks down the other door while wearing a gas mask. The animals (except RJ who is not here) are shocked.]

Dwayne:
Let's party!

[The animals run away.]

Dwayne:
BUNNIES!!!

[Dwayne accidentally traps Gladys's bunny slippers in a net.]

Gladys:
Aah! (falls over)

Tiger:
Flee, my love!

[Dwayne shoots at Stella, but Tiger pushes her out of the way, getting caught in the net.]

Verne:
(to Stella) RUN! (to the rest) That way, outside!

[As Verne, Hammy, Stella, Ozzie, Heather, Penny, Lou, Bucky, Quillo and Spike try to escape the house by going through the glass door they forgot it was shut and the slam into and slide down it. Dwayne finally has the animals where he has them.]

Dwayne:
[to Verne] Buenos dias... reptile.

[Dwayne finally catches the animals in with his net gun.]

NOTE:
This dialogue is 4 minutes and 21 seconds.

Bucky:
What's he gonna do to us, Mama?

Penny:
I...I don't know, Baby.

Heather:
(clutches her arms around Ozzie while locked in a cage, about to be driven off for extermination ) I don't wanna die, Dad, not for real.

Ozzie:
There, there sweetheart we'll be okay.

[Stella, from her cage holds Hammy's hand, who is in his own cage, scared.]

Lou:
(referring to RJ) You were right about him, Verne. We shouldn't listen. Sorry back there.

Verne:
No... I knew we wouldn't trust him. I got us into this. I should have known better.

RJ:
NOOO! NO!

Lou:
Verne! Are you alright there? Gimme a hand, Oz.

Ozzie:
Oh, sure. Sure.

Penny:
What the heck happened?

RJ:
It's gone! FOOD! (falls into his knees) GONE!

Stella:
What?! How's it gone?

RJ:
Ask... HIM! (points at Verne)

Penny:
Verne?

Verne:
I returned it to its rightful owner.

Lou & Ozzie:
What?!

Heather:
We, like, worked our tails off, y'know? Like a lot! And the food we gathered was well...you know! And you, D'oh forget it!

Ozzie:
Yeah, Verne. What were you thinking? Besides the log was full!

Verne:
Yeah, full of junk.

Lou:
Oh, so what are you trying to say here? That the food we gathered, OUR WAY isn't as good as the food we gathered YOUR WAY?

Verne:
Your way?! You mean HIS way. Can you see RJ just using you?

Penny:
(gasps) Verne, shame on you! RJ wouldn't do that.

Verne:
You've got to trust me on this. Don't you understand that there is something wrong with his guy? My tail tingles every time, I get NEAR HIM!!

Stella:
Oh, so we're supposed to go all hungry, because your butt's vibrating. I'm started to feel that tingle of yours is YOU being jealous.

Verne:
Jealous?! OF HIM?!

Lou:
Yeah! He is embracing the future there, and now you're just holding us back!

Verne:
I've holded your back, all right... from Extinction! (to RJ) You see what you've done here? If they listen to half of stuff of you're telling him, they will be dead within week! You are only interested in taking advantage of them BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO STUPID AND NAIVE TO KNOW ANY BETTER!

Hammy:
(growing solemn) I'm not stupid.

Verne:
(noting the family's reaction) Okay, I didn't mean, uh... I mean... ignorant! To the ways over there. (they being walking away) Come on, you guys, you know I didn't mean it like that. Don't... don't do this. Stella... Ozzie? (stops Hammy) Hammy? You know I didn't... Hammy?

Hammy:
(pushes Verne away) Look, I'm not stupid...

Verne:
Please...

[the animals (except Verne) shows RJ a surprise; his new home]

Stella:
Check it out. Your new home! (RJ looks around at some random objects of his new home)

Hammy:
(gestures at the Baby Car Seat) And look, we got a place for you right here!

RJ:
That's for me?

Lou:
Yeah, is this anything like what you had, RJ?

RJ:
This isn't anything like what I had, Lou.

Hammy:
(hands RJ a can of caffeine) Here, I'm not supposed to drink this.

RJ:
Thanks. (to Heather, who sits on RJ's bag) Is that my bag?

Heather:
Yeah, we brought it in here so you wouldn't have to sleep in that old tree.

RJ:
Really? Wow.

Bucky:
Hey, RJ, check this out! We totally hooked up the TV.

Quillo:
I hot-wired the HD converter.

Spike:
We get a thousand channels!

Heather:
Can you take the remote before my dad does?

RJ:
Wow. A universal remote? This is nice, guys. Really nice.

RJ:
And there they are. America's most coveted cookies. Love Handles, Skinny Mints, Neener-Neeners, and Smackeroons. And guess what? They're all yours!

[Hammy jumps, but RJ stops him]

RJ:
Whoa, Hamilton. Hold on there, fella. I love your energy, but you just can't take them.

Hammy:
But you just said they're mine!

RJ:
They will be, if we successfully marry your manic energy to my brilliant plan. You with me, kid?

Hammy:
I... I... I...

RJ:
The ayes have it. Let's ride.

Verne:
You know, RJ… uh, just for the record, if you had told us that all that food you were trying to get was to pay back an angry bear, we would've given it to you.

RJ:
Really?

Verne:
Yeah, that's what families do. They look out for each other.

RJ:
I never really had anything like that.

Verne:
I know, but believe me, this… This is the gateway to the goodlife.

RJ:
Really wish you've told me that sooner.

Verne:
Well, that's bad communication. Also something families do. So, what do ya say… wanna be part of it?

Gladys Sharp:
Hello, I need every business listing you have under "exterminator."

Verne:
[picks up the blue cooler] You're dangerous! You're insane!

Ozzie:
Sweet music, I'm going HOME! [coughs] Goodbye, cruel world! [notices the flowerpot on the sidewalk] OHH! OHH! [whispers] Rosebud. [groans as he spins around, then falls on the ground and passes out]

Skeeter:
Now can I poke him?

Debbie:
NOOO!

Gladys:
You see? This is exactly why I called the exterminator, to kill them before they get hurt like this.

Penny:
[referring to the hedge] I'd be a lot less afraid if I just knew what it was called.

Hammy:
Let's call it Steve!

Verne:
Steve?

Hammy:
It's a pretty name.

Heather:
Steve sounds nice.

Penny:
I'm a lot less scared of Steve.

Ozzie:
[kneeling before the hedge] Oh, great and powerful Steve… what do you want?

Verne:
I... I don't think it can speak.

Woman:
I heard that, young man! [everybody screams, Ozzie faints] You get over here right now!

Verne:
He's just trying to help us. Just let him in!

Stella:
After what he did to us!?

Verne:
But he came back. [Vincent's roar is heard]

Lou:
And he brought a bear!

Spike:
[while driving the van, the others are arguing] Hey, no fighting while we're driving!

Quillo:
We will turn this van around, mister! [the scene shows lou and verne in shock]

Lou:
[points at Verne] He started it.

TV Announcer:
We now return to "A scoundrel among us".

Woman:
You should be ashamed of yourself! We let you into our family, and you fecived us!

[RJ changes the channel]

Man:
I gave you my heart, and then I ripped it into 1,000,000 pieces!

[RJ changes the channel again]

Dr. Dennis:
Get real, Kevin. 'Cause when you feel like a dirtbag, it's because you're a dirtbag, right? So just say it out loud, "I am a dirtbag."

Lou:
"Dirtbag"? I don't think that guy's a real doctor. What Do You Think There, RJ? [notices RJ has gone] RJ?

[RJ pulls the string on the toy doll's dack]

Voice Box:
Let's Play!

[Nugent the dog notices RJ, RJ then smiles nervously and runs away]

NOTE:
This dialogue is 4 minutes and 21 seconds.

Gladys:
Why... Why, That's The--

Dwayne:
The Depelter Turbo. Prepare for a lot of stinging.

SWAT Officer:
[while taking a hairless Vincent on a wheelbarrow into the truck] Here We Go! off to the Rockies for you, Smokey.

Police Officer:
Now, you do realize that was a Depelter Turbo.

Gladys:
Officer, please! It was that Verminator; he sold it to me! This has nothing to do with me!

Police Officer:
Hey, hey, it was in your yard, your name's on the contract, so you can tell it to the judge.

Gladys:
No! It's not my fault, let go of me!

Police Officer:
Ma'am...

Gladys:
[yelling] I CAN'T BE ARRESTED! I'M PRESIDENT OF THE HOMEOWNER'S ASSOCIATION!!!

Cop:
Take her down!

Dwayne:
She's getting away! [quietly as she is fighting the police] Get her. [he climbs over a fence and accidentally steps on a squeak toy]

Nugent the Dog:
Play? Play!

Dwayne:
Oh, no. No, no! no, no! [there is a bite heard, and Dwayne screams off-screen]

[During the credits, When "Rocking the Suburbs" plays in the background]

RJ:
That, my friends, is the object of all human attention and devotion, and they call it... a TV.

Quillo:
Wicked cool!

Lou:
Humans feel an inner need to connect with the world around them. That is super-duper.

RJ:
They also feel a need to sit on their fat butts, Watching TV fulfills both needs at the same time.

Stella:
Wow. Interesting.

Penny:
Come on, kids! Family time there, in front of the TV! Got your snack food?

Hammy:
Buy a vowel! BUY A VOWEL! Buy a "Y", Please buy a "Y"!

RJ:
I can't find the remote.

Lou:
Hey, Spikey, Race Ya!

Ozzie:
Has anybody seen the remote?

Heather:
Dad, chill.

Stella:
I could do a little TV. Today's the day we find out if the baby is gifted or if Saxon is really an alien.

Hammy:
Just Like Khan in Star Trek II! The Genesis Project was in the hands of the Enterprise, but Khan had his plan to steal the invention and redo all the life!

Verne:
Well, that was specific.

Hammy:
I saw it on TNT, a retrospective.

Lou:
Gummi Worm, anybody?

RJ:
Let me have one.

Stella:
Bucky, pass this to Lou.

Lou:
Taste this.

RJ:
Don't you take that.

Verne:
This is the perfect food.

RJ:
Fat-free cookies? Might as well just be eating dirt.

Hammy:
I've had dirt, I don't like dirt, it tastes like dirt!

Heather:
Shh! The Show Is Starting!

[The last part of "Rocking the Suburbs" by Ben Folds continues on the credits]

[Last lines, after the end credits, RJ is fixing the vending machine]

RJ:
Wait! Hang on a minute. [All the chip bags fall down and everyone laughs and cheers] Yes, here we go! [As he tries to get all the chips out, the lid is stuck, and the machine doesn't budge]

Hammy:
Kinda anticlimactic...

RJ:
Shoot!