Pineapple Express

Saul:
What's down there, my f***en cock

Saul:
[as he is just about to punch Carol in the face] You're in the jungle now, Baby!

Saul:
[About to fire his gun at Carol] F*** THE POLICE!

Saul:
When my foot was in the hole - and my groin - man, I felt like a wishbone.

Saul:
[Saul talking to Red on the phone] Well be careful, man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.

Saul:
"[While hitch-hiking]" Hey look, it's like my thumb is my cock.

Saul:
I'm gonna f***ing become a civil engineer. Design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits.

Saul:
[listening to Dale's job description] Butler? Chauffeur? Shine shoes? In process. Subpoenas. Disguises.

Saul:
[after Dale attempts to inform him he saw a murder] A cop, a lady and a guy man! That's like a massacre man! You saw that?

Saul:
[referencing Pineapple Express] It's like the rarest. It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn. With like a bomb.

Saul:
He's a f***ing linger-er, you know what I mean, man? He just lingers.

Saul:
[referencing Pineapple Express] My friend, this is like if that Blue Oyster sh*t met that Afghan Kush i had, and they had a baby... And then meanwhile, that crazy Northern Lights stuff i had and the Super Red Espresso Snowflake met and had a baby... And by some miracle, those two babies met and f***ed; this would be the sh*t they birthed.

Saul:
I'm done with the woods, man. Let's go.

Saul:
Is it hurricane season?

Saul:
Wait...what do you mean it's dead?

Saul:
F*** Jeff Goldblum, man.

Saul:
Hands down the f***en dopest dope I've ever smoked.

Saul:
We are BFFFs, best f***ing friends forever!

Saul:
The car committed suicide because of your face.

Saul:
[Describing how to smoke a cross joint] What you do... is you light all three ends at the same, and the smoke converges, creating a "trifecta" of joint-smoking power. This is it, man. This is what your grandchildren are gonna be smoking. Future, the future.

Saul:
"(on phone with Red) Now listen, I'm gonna come by. I gotta lay some sh*t on you. There is a fly in the ointment. Sh*t has hit the fan. The lion will speak."

Saul:
B*tch , Aint got no time for that.

Saul:
Gotcha b*tch.

Dale Denton:
Danger! Danger! Trees! Tree! Tree! Squirrel!

Dale Denton:
You've been served!

Dale Denton:
No! Don't f*** us anywhere!

Dale Denton:
Equip me sir!

Dale Denton:
Why would you bear arms?

Dale Denton:
What an adorable little cop!

Dale Denton:
Help! He's punching my bum! I'm done with this!

Dale Denton:
What's up sporty spice?

Dale Denton:
We need to begin to prematurely evacuate!

Dale Denton:
Everyone, I'm leading the parade!

Dale Denton:
So this is the product of baby f***ing. (referring to the Pineapple express)

Dale Denton:
THIS ENDS NOW.

Dale Denton:
f*** the free world

Red:
It's my cat's birthday today. [passes out]

Red:
[after Dale drops bullets on his floor] Just make sure you get those, I don't wanna run them over with the vacuum and shoot my face off ok?

Red:
[after killing Matheson with his Daewoo Lanos] You just got killed by a Daewoo Lanos, motherf***er! [c*cks his shotgun] How do you like me now huh? [blows off Matheson's right foot] "Gross."

Red:
[after falling asleep at breakfast] I feel like the nerd at the sleep-over that fell asleep at nine.

Red:
I used to use this little gun when I was a prostitute.

Red:
I'm trying to decide how stoned I am and just how on the verge of death am I right now. Like, am I seeing sh*t because I'm stoned or because I have no blood left in my body?

Red:
(To Dale while running away from the hideout)I don't wanna die man, I wanna f*** my wife. She will be out of jail soon, I wanna f*** her, I wanna have sex with her. I'm not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow.

Red:
I forgot man, "BROS BEFORE HOES."

Red:
[practicing quick draw] "Don't!"

Red:
I'm up in here tryna get a mother f***in' scholarship!

Red:
[After rescuing Saul by killing Matheson] I wanna be inside you, homes!

Red:
[Referring to his cat] Maybe he went to heaven. He was a little f***er, he could have gone to hell."

Red:
"Thug life!" [C*cks shotgun]

Red:
[beating and kicking Saul] "What we do in this life echoes in eternity!"

Red:
[Referring to his armpits] "You see this, there's no hair under there. [Dale: What's the significance of that?] it makes me aerodynamic when I fight!"

Red:
{When held up by Matheson and Budlofsky} "Matheson's over here with British Knights on. I ain't seen anyone wear those since 1987."

Matheson:
They're not here, Ted. Hi, Ted.

Matheson:
[after killing Budlovsky, Matheson notices Saul] Well, looky here. Mr. Folgers! (in a high pitched voice) What's up SON?

Matheson:
[to Saul] Shut the f*** up! You think you was gonna get me, motherf***er? Huh? You need to sit your little sexy ass down and watch yourself get killed now.

Matheson:
(referring to his burnt face by Saul) I look like Hamburglar! And the Elephant Man!

Matheson:
(after arguing with Budlofsky about his face) I might act tough, but I got a lot of feelings. And you hurt damned near every one of 'em. This ain't over.

Matheson:
(as Saul climbs down the ladder to the weed growing house) You know you gonna die, right? I'ma kill the f*** outta you. I hope you enjoy these last 17 minutes of your life. 'Cause when Ted get here, he gonna be like, "Kill that motherf***er! Kill his motherf***in' ass!" Watch your head.

Matheson:
(clapping hands together) This is so exciting.

Matheson:
(while fighting with Saul) I've been waiting for this. You burned my face, huh? Tear this ass up.

Matheson:
(after killing Budlofsky, for not having given him a chance to kill Saul) I knew you gone soft. Dinner's gonna be cold tonight, a**hole!

Matheson:
I ain't ever been shot before. Damn, that sh*t hurt. I got glass in my ass.

Matheson:
The foods still warm, love it.

Matheson:
I ain't your friend!

Matheson:
I seent you pull somebody jaw bone off! I seent it.

Mr. Edwards:
Yep I just heard that, I wish I didn't hear that, but I just heard that.

Mr. Edwards:
I'm a teacher, guy, you can't talk to me like that.

Private Greg B. Miller :
I feel like a slice o' butter melting on top of a big ol' pile of flapjacks.[pause] Yeah.

Saul:
(Jumps into a dumpster)I think we should stay here.

Dale:
Why?

Saul:
'Cause i am in the dumpster already.

Saul:
My favorite part of this was when we were in the car chase.

Red:
You guys were in a car chase? Aw, man, that must have been sweet!

Saul:
Yeah, it was, man. I had my leg stuck in the windshield and everything!

Saul:
I can't see. The wipers don't work!

Dale:
Well, kick the windshield out. Isn't that what they do?

Saul:
(kicks his leg through the windshield) Ouch! F***, I think I pulled my groin!

Saul:
Why are we even here? This place is so f***in' scary!

Dale:
At least I had an idea. You didn't have any ideas, so shut up!

Saul:
That's not true! I had two ideas: "Nowhere" and "Quizno's".

Dale:
What else?

Red:
Okay, uh, he's at war right now with the Asians. They're, like, in a drug war, right now.

Dale:
The Asians? What? What Asians?! Indians are technically Asians!

Saul:
It's true.

Dale:
What Asians?

Red:
Oh, I don't know, what, uh, Chinese? Or Korean? Or, uh, um--

Saul:
Viet Cong?

Red:
Yeah, little--little--just, little Asian people, like--the Asians, with the guns, and the drugs, and not his friends.

Dale:
Okay, even if he found that roach, how could he know where you are?

Saul:
Um, heat seeking missiles, um, bloodhounds, foxes, barracudas.

Dale:
I'm just--I'm kinda flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird.

Saul:
Thank you.

Dale:
Not a compliment.

Dale:
Dudes, seriously. We came here for a reason. (to Saul) Just ask him.

Red:
(while frosting a cake) Chill, dude, chill. I'm boiling some eggs over here...

Dale:
That's great. Just--

Red:
We got a lot of time to hang out, I'm making a f***ing cake.

Dale:
No sh*t. (to Saul) Just ask him, man.

Saul:
Can I have a piece of that?

Dale:
What are you doing? Don't ask for a piece.

Saul:
(to Red) I can't have a piece of that?

Red:
(is almost done frosting the cake) No, you cannot have a piece, this is private. You know what today is?

Saul:
Tuesday.

Red:
This is my cat's birthday today.

Dale:
I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident?

Red:
No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy, huh? All right? Today is his birthday, and it is a tradition that on his birthday, I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of, uh, dessert.

Saul:
Don't worry, bro, your cat's going to Heaven.

Red:
Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to Heaven. He was a little f***er. He could've gone to Hell.

Dale:
Is your, uh, is your lip okay, man?

Saul:
You been crying?

Red:
(clearly bruised and cut) Oh, my, my lip? Uh, it's a cold sore. Never had one before so uh, I started to cry. I think it's like, a lot worse than it looks, though. It's like a simple kind of....

Saul:
(interrupting Red) S-so... does that mean f***in' herpes?

Red:
Yeah, y-yeah, yes it does.

Saul:
Wow! F***in' sick, man! You know how many joints we've shared?!

Red:
I know, I'm a disgusting person...

Saul:
Ugh, herpes is for LIFE, bro!

Red:
Ya, well im gonna try to definately put some sort of medical.. ointment on it. I've been taking vicoden. That doesn't really take the swelling down though.

Dale:
Look, uh, we don't want to bring you into what we're in, okay? You don't want any trouble, we don't wanna give you trouble, so it's probably best you don't know the whole story, okay?

Red:
You don't think I can handle danger?

Dale:
What are you talking about?

Saul:
He can!

Red:
I totally can! And for you to come into my house, and not tell secrets because you think you're saving me... Well, in reality it just makes you look like a dumbass, okay? Cause look at this!

Red:
You see this? You see that? There's no hair under here bro! Okay?

Dale:
What's the significance of that?

Red:
It makes me aerodynamic when I fight! I can take danger!

Dale:
Aren't you angry at Ted?

Red:
Yeah, I'm really mad at him...

Dale:
Well whaddya wanna do about it? Don't you wanna get up and DO SOMETHIN' about it?

Red:
Maybe... Maybe that'd be cool to do to him...

Red:
Seriously! I know this sounds weird but can we be best friends? Just us? Forreal?

Dale:
I think we should ALL be best friends!

Red:
We should be! You guys ARE my best friends. We shared a moment.

Saul:
You guys are like, both of my best friends and you didn't even know it but now you know it and we'll all be best friends!

Dale:
You know what we should get?! You know those hearts that break up and it's like, "BEST FRIENDS"? We should get like, a 3-way one of those, man!

Saul:
(while Dale is talking) 3-way! 3-way!

Red:
I don't even know if they f***ing MAKE those!

Dale:
We should make the first ones!

Saul:
3-way! I want the middle piece though! It'll be crooked on both sides!

[Dale and Saul just evaded the police]

Saul:
Hey, you all right, man? You sound pretty hectic.

Dale:
I'm okay. Let's just get the f*** out of here, okay?

Saul:
All right. [he takes out a pipe and an ounce of marijuana] First things first. [takes out a lighter to light up the pipe, as he is about to smoke it]

Dale:
Don't... do that, okay?

Saul:
[stops lighting and puts down the pipe and lighter] Yeah, why not?

Dale:
Why not? Car chase, gunshots. That clearly just happened, because we were smoking marijuana.

Saul:
Naw, man. That happened 'cause those f***ing kids couldn't keep their sh*t on the down low, man.

Dale:
In case you haven't noticed, which you haven't, 'cause from what I can tell, you don't notice ANYTHING, EVER, we are not very functional when we're high, which is all the f***in' time!

Saul:
Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was like, stoned when I saved you with those slushies. What do you gotta say to that, man?

Dale:
Okay. Well, that would be true... if you HAD saved me, but you didn't save me, she was gonna help us, and you made things worse, and now were wanted for all sorts of f***in' crazy sh*t!

Saul:
Don't f***ing get on my case, all right? Look, the only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbe in a nice retirement home.

Dale:
Oh, yeah. She must be proud of you for that.

Saul:
She is really proud of me. And I'm gonna become something, man. As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot. What the hell do you do?

Dale:
You mean besides stay in my home, for fear that you designed some object I'm around? I'm gonna be on the radio, talking about LIFE! Giving lessons about life!

Saul:
Oh, well, in my place, I'm gonna be designing buildings and what's he gonna be doing? BORING PEOPLE TO DEATH ON THE RADIO!

Dale:
You are an a**hole. That's all you are, you're an a**hole.

Saul:
I'm not an a**hole!

Dale:
You are an a**hole!

Saul:
No, you know what? I'm-- I'm-- I feel pretty-- pretty sure that I'm not an a**hole. I'm, like, a totally nice guy.

Dale:
I'm just as nice as you are, so you don't bring that out. When we were in the woods, I gave you my jacket. YOU WERE COLD, AND I CLOTHED YOU!

Saul:
What about in the park, where I said that you were my friend? You didn't say anything back.

Dale:
Well, that's easy, it's because we're NOT friends. You are my drug dealer. There's one reason we know each other, I like the drugs you sell, that's it. And if you didn't sell those drugs, BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB I would have no idea who you were, and I would be fantastic right now! Instead of looking like this.

Saul:
Let's roll, man! I'm done with the woods! Let's go! C'mon, man, let's get the f*** outta here.

Dale:
[sarcastically] Okay... Uhh, let's go... No... It's not working... the battery's dead.

Saul:
Wait.... What do you mean, it's dead?

Dale:
[laughing] What do I mean? I mean the battery's dead. The battery's dead.

Saul:
No, no. What do you mean, the battery's dead?

Dale:
How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It's deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul.

Saul:
[frustrated sigh] How did this happen?

Dale:
Well we clearly fell asleep with the battery on and-

Saul:
Aw, man... Talk radio?

Dale:
Yes, talk radio.

Saul:
So boring, man. The car just committed suicide.

Dale:
You're sure We can trust this guy?

Saul:
Yo, Red.

Red:
Who is it?

Saul:
It's Bruce.

Red:
Bruce? Who the f*** is this? Saul. What's up?

Saul:
Who do you think it is?

Red:
Who's this?

Dale:
I'm Dale, Mr. Red. Nice to meet you.

Red:
Dale who?

Dale:
It's best if you don't know my full name.

Saul:
Dale Denton. don't worry He's with me.

Red:
Dale Denton. Nice to meet you, bro. Hold on. Let me get this lock, okay

Saul:
You better.

Red:
Get in here.

Saul:
Coming in.

Red:
Y,all Wanna buy some drugs?

Saul:
Frisk me.

Red:
What's up? What's up? What's up?

Saul:
Get it.

Red:
Give it. give it. Look at that, huh? What's up, players?

Saul:
What's up?

Red:
I've been up in here trying to get a motherfucking scholarship. Chilling. What's up with the clothes?

Saul:
Oh We were camping.

Red:
Camping?

Saul:
Yeah.

Dale:
Is your, uh, is your lip okay, man?

Saul:
You been crying?

Red:
(clearly bruised and cut) Oh, my, my lip? Uh, it's a cold sore. Never had one before so uh, I started to cry. I think it's like, a lot worse than it looks, though. It's like a simple kind of....

Saul:
(interrupting Red) S-so... does that mean f***in' herpes?

Red:
Yeah, y-yeah, yes it does.

Saul:
Wow! F***in' sick, man! You know how many joints we've shared?!

Red:
I know, I'm a disgusting person...

Saul:
Ugh, herpes is for LIFE, bro!

Red:
Ya, well I'm gonna try to definitely put some sort of medical.. ointment on it. I've been taking vicoden. That doesn't really take the swelling down though.

Saul:
It's from that time. I told you, man. You ate that lollipop out of that stripper's snatch. You wanted to do it.

Red:
Out of her vagina. Remember what you did? What did you do? You ate a box of Nerds out of her butthole.

Saul:
You f***ing said you wouldn't tell. You sowed your own poison, man.

Red:
You see this? You see that? There's no hair under here bro! Okay?

Dale:
What's the significance of that?

Red:
It makes me aerodynamic when I fight! I can take danger!

Dale:
Okay, has anyone called asking about Saul or the Pineapple Express? That's all we need to know.

Red:
"uh-uh."

Saul:
"uh-huh"

Dale:
"uh-huh"

Red:
"uh-uh."

Dale:
Is it "uh-huh" or "uh-uh"?

Red:
It's "uh-uh."

Saul:
There it is, man. Cleared. Over. Everything's fine. I told you, bro. We had a Wacky night in the woods... ...but we both can put that behind us like adults. Now it's time to get super-duper high. Got that bong I got in Tel Aviv?

Red:
Bong Mitzvah." Hit it up dude.

Saul:
Yes.

[In the police cruiser, Dale is trying to tell Barber about what he witnessed]

Barber:
So you're telling me you saw Ted Jones and a police officer kill somebody.

Dale:
That's exactly what I've been telling you.

Barber:
And you saw it?

Dale:
Yes. Do you believe me?

Barber:
I don't know. Was it a woman or a man cop?

Dale:
It was a policewoman. It was a woman.

Barber:
Oh I think I know who that b*tch was.

Dale:
Yes, I will identify that b*tch.

Robert Anderson:
[at dinner] What the hell happened to you?

Dale Denton:
Nothing, I'm supposed to be here right now, so I'm here!

Robert Anderson:
You're all dirty and bleeding.

Dale Denton:
No I'm not, I'm here for dinner.

Shannon Anderson:
You have scratches on your forehead...

Robert Anderson:
Dude, you smell like sh*t.

Angie Anderson:
Dale, what happened to you?

Dale Denton:
I was in the woods!

Shannon Anderson:
In the woods?

Dale Denton:
Yeah, isn't that weird? I was... I was in the woods!

Shannon Anderson:
What were you doing in the woods?

Dale Denton:
I bird... watch... I don't. No, I don't. Look, I'm gonna come clean. I witnessed a murder. Ok? I saw someone murder... someone else, and I think they've been following me. and there's a good chance they went to my apartment where Angie has a lot of things. She is her yearbooks, report cards, her cell number is written, and it's on my fridge. so they could then find this house. They could come here.

Shannon Anderson:
We should call the police right away.

Dale Denton:
We can't call the police. The police were the murderers. that's what so flip and scary.

Robert Anderson:
We can't call the police. They were the murderers.

Dale Denton:
They were the murderers. don't?

Robert Anderson:
[at dinner, after Dale told everyone he witnessed a murder] Angie, I swear, you do something or I'm gonna...

Angie Anderson:
So f***ed up.

Dale Denton:
What? No! No, don't let him gonna! No, don't wanna! Look, we gotta get the F out of here. Let's go. We need to begin to prematurely evacuate.

Robert Anderson:
Are you high?

Dale Denton:
What? No. I'm not high. Why?

Shannon Anderson:
You are high as a f***ing kite!

Dale Denton:
I'm not high. Let's go.

Robert Anderson:
We're not going anywhere. I'm coming back in a minute. You know what I'm coming back with?

Dale Denton:
No.

Robert Anderson:
I'm coming back with a gun. You better be out of here.

Shannon Anderson:
Robert don't.

Robert Anderson:
I'm not f***ing with you.

Dale Denton:
Your gun? His gun? Why do you? Don't get a gun. Why would he bear arms? Look, no, we need to go. Everyone, I'm leading the parade.

Dale Denton:
Don't let him gonna, don't wunna!

Saul:
Holy Cock!