Planet 51

Lem:
[During a show at the Planetarium] Space... a universe of mystery. Well, today, the mystery will be unveiled. Thanks to science, we know the universe is nearly 500 miles long, and it contains -- you're not going to believe this -- over 1,000 stars.

Lem:
[To a panicked crowd] Okay, everyone, everyone, please, listen up. We're not getting eaten, or harvested, or having our brains barbecued. The universe isn't scary. It's really amazing. [Crowd stares] And don't forget to pick up your planetary yo-yos! [picks out a yo-yo and does a trick] We've got one for each of you. [crowd cheers]

Lem:
[To Skiff and Eckle after the show] You are looking at the new Junior Assistant Curator! High four! [Lem and Skiff does a "high four"]

Lem:
[After getting his job] Hey, I can see my whole life! A house, a car, two kids, they'll grow up and have kids. They'll come home to visit on holidays.

Lem:
[Watching Neera and Glar walk in the park with a protestant group; Mimicking Glar] "Oooh, the cause, man!" [Normal voice] I'd like to cause him some PAIN! [Hits the telescope, which hits his face; To his three fish] I don't want to hear a single bubble. [The fish hold it in and one of them farts] Especially you, Bubbles.

Lem:
[After Chuck's landing] MOM, DAD!! There is a ship in the-- [looks ath his parents direction and surprisingly sees Chuck]

Lem:
Neera, you have to choose. It's either me or Glar. [Micmicking Neera] Oh, Lem, There is no question. It's you, of course.

Lem:
[To Chuck as they hide in his bedroom] Look, I said I will take you to your flying saucer, okay? Well, THERE it is! NOW, LEAVE!! [looks out the window; sighs] I'll get you a blanket and a pillow for the night.

Lem:
[After several knocks on his door] Oh, great. let's just have a party!

Lem:
[After Neera rejects him] Oh, great. This day just keeps getting better and better.

Lem:
[Sees Chuck on TV, quoting Darth Vader] SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!

Lem:
We got to get out of here, now!

Lem:
[After getting fired] Oh, great! Just great! Fired! Say, why don't you harvest my organs, and GET IT OVER WITH!! [Slams door]

Lem:
NO! YOU'RE MAKING MISTAKE! HE'S FRIENDLY!

Lem:
[Sighs] No.

Lem:
[To the crowd] Space isn't 500 miles. It's not. It's so much bigger than we could imagine. There is billions of galaxies, and each galaxy has billions of stars! Next to that, our planet is just -- [Pause] Excuse me. [Leaves the Planetarium]

Lem:
[To Grawl] I know what you are afraid of... and it is not Chuck. It's not monsters or, or aliens. it's the unknown. I spent my whole life running from it. And I think, maybe, you have, too. But, I'm telling you. The unknown isn't something to be afraid of. It can be your best friend. And just when you think that it means the end of everything you know, it's really... just the beginning.

Lem:
[Base 9 is about to blow] Wh-Wh-What are you looking at?! RUUUUUUN!!

Charles "Chuck" T. Baker:
[Steps on a rubber ducky] What the--? A duck? [sees a crowd of aliens, and gulps]

Charles "Chuck" T. Baker:
[Taking off his helmet] I can breathe. I can breathe!

Charles "Chuck" T. Baker:
[Thinking of a lie to convince Lem to help] But I suppose you could leave me stranded. My wife will have to support the kids. Eleven. We have eleven kids, always hungry. Yeah, yeah. But, hey, they'll get by without a father. The important thing here is for you to avoid a little trouble.

Charles "Chuck" T. Baker:
[To Rover] Hey! A planet full of aliens, and you sent back pictures of rocks?! Bad boy! Bad boy!

Charles "Chuck" T. Baker:
[Giving advice on love] Why do chicks dig me? Because I'm handsome? Because I'm an astronaut? Yes and yes. But, it's also because of Chuck Baker's three steps to romance: Spot your prey. Make your move. Show no mercy. [suavely] Hey, baby. I saw you across the bar. Are sparks flying or is this place on fire.

Charles "Chuck" T. Baker:
[A tank pointing at him and Lem] We better RUN!!

Charles "Chuck" T. Baker:
[In a room with elderly women holding a tea party; to Lem] Let the doctor handle this. [Clears throat] Ladies, who wants to meet an astronaut? [Ladies throws cups at him] Ladies, one at a time! I'm on Facebook.

Charles "Chuck" T. Baker:
[About the universe] There's billions of galaxies, and in each galaxy there's billions of stars. Next to that, kid, our planets are just... dust in the wind.

Charles "Chuck" T. Baker:
[To Lem, while "releasing him"] Kid, I'm going down, anyway. There's no need for you to come with me. Thanks. For everything.

Charles "Chuck" T. Baker:
[After a complete mishap] You're not thinking all of this is my fault, right?

Charles "Chuck" T. Baker:
[The teens come to rescue him] Guys! This is so Luke Skywalker! [Noticing Neera standing next to Lem] Uh, by the way. You're not brother and sister, right?

Charles "Chuck" T. Baker:
[Last line] You're a great planet, and you're 50s are fine! But, gimme a call when you get to the 60s. 'Cause that's gonna be FUN!

Charles "Chuck" T. Baker:
[Tells the aliens] You're a great Planet and 50s are fine but give me a call when get back to the 60s cause that's gonna fun!

Skiff:
I love fake-alien poop day.

Skiff:
[Enters Lem's room] I saw the alien last night. I am so in. I got this guy wrapped around my little finger. Let me tell you, this alien's not so scary. [Sees Chuck] AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!

Skiff:
[Rover curls up on him] Awww. It's kind of cute, the way he does that.

Skiff:
[To Chuck] If you have to do a number one... [places newspapers down on the floor] use these papers. If it's a number two, go outside... and if it's number three... I can't help you.

Skiff:
[To Rover, after he ran away] Don't you ever run off like that! What if they took you to the pound? Where can I find you?

Skiff:
[Rover gets caught] Rover? NOOOOOOOO!

Skiff:
[Rover's taken into the Comic Book Store; sobbing] Why did he do it? I was going to teach him to beg and everything!

Skiff:
My little Rovie! [Sobs] I can still hear his wagging little antenna! [Rover wags his antenna and makes a sound] Rover? [Turns around] Rover?! ROVER, ROVER!! YOU'RE ALIVE!!

Skiff:
[Discovering Base 9] This is amazing! I was right again! Woo-hoo!!

Skiff:
[Sees a naked Chuck] That is a funny place for his antenna.

General Grawl:
[Repeated line] Diabolical!

General Grawl:
[Interrogating Rover] Where's your master?! TALK!! [Rover leaks oil out]

General Grawl:
All right, lets get these aliens to Base 9. [Crowd gasps] Not that it exists. [Clears throat]

General Grawl:
HOLD YOU FIRREEEEE!!!

General Grawl:
Sick is helping the enemy of your world! Sick is befriending a creature that's so completely... different! Sick is... WELL LOOK! IT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!! I'm sorry Professor, but it is too dangerous to let the alien live another minute.

Professor Kipple:
Aliens are quite like us, except they have two sets of teeth, hyperdermic fingertips, and hypnotic eyes to control our brains and turn us into zombies and destroy our world.

Professor Kipple:
Remember, anyone caught helping the aliens will go to jail!

Professor Kipple:
He's here to take over our minds!

Professor Kipple:
[Investigating Chuck's head] What a remarkable brain you must have. An incision here and here, it should pop right out!

Professor Kipple:
This BOY IS FREE!

Girl:
I've never gone parking before. I'm not really that kind of girl.

Boy:
Well, I'm not the kind of guy who would go out with "that" kind of girl.

Girl:
Why that is so sweet -- I think.

Boy:
There is nothing to be afraid of.

Skiff:
[Looking at a movie poster] There it is. Just two more days.

Eckle:
Wow. Humaniacs III: The Final Battle for Our World.

Skiff, Eckle:
Victory or extinction!

Lem:
If you guys go in costume, I'm pretending we've never met. [walks away]

Skiff:
Did you just say what I think you just said?

Lem:
I'm a planetarium professional now. I don't have time for kids' movies, anymore.

Skiff:
[Gasps] Kids' movies? I suppose next you'll say "aliens don't exist."

Lem:
DUH!

Skiff:
Ha! Just as I thought. You're not Lem. You're an alien zombie from Humaniacs II.

Lem:
Skiff, I'm not a zombie.

Skiff:
[Pulls Eckle away from Lem] That's what you zombies are programmed to say. Tell us something the REAL Lem would know.

Lem:
Well, I know Skiff is the only nutcase, who thinks the government is hiding all alien evidence in Base 9. AND, you give candy to your puupy so he'll poop jelly beans.

Eckle:
Bleggh!

Skiff:
It was just an experiment.

Lem:
So um... Eckle, do you think your sister's home?

Eckle:
Why?

Lem:
I thought, maybe... I thought I might tell her I got the job.

Eckle:
Why?

Lem:
Forget it. You tell her for me. Okay?

Eckle:
Okay, but every time you tell me to tell her something, she asks why don't you tell her yourself?

Lem:
What?

Eckle:
And then my mom says because you like her, and she says that "oh, that is so cute!" Why don't you ask her out already? She's been waiting for you to ask her out ever since we moved next door to you.

Lem:
She-- She has? The girl of my dreams likes me? This is the best day of my life.

Eckle:
Yeah, we've got to see that kid throw up.

Lem:
Hey, Neera.

Neera:
Hey, Lem.

Lem:
I came to tell you... I've got the job.

Neera:
Oh, Lem! That's great!

Lem:
[Nervously] Umm... maybe it's time for you and me--

Neera:
Yes?

Lem:
A cork?

Skiff:
It's your best defense against the aliens favorite form of research: the probe. You put it in your... [points at his butt]

Lem:
[Nervously] Yeah, yeah, yeah! I think I get it.

Skiff:
[Holds out another cork] Oh, wait This one's yours. [Points at the cork Lem's holding] I already used that one.

Alien Hotline:
Hello, this is the Alien Hotline.

Lem:
Yes, hi. I've found the alien!

Alien Hotline:
They're here, and no weapon can stop them.

Lem:
[Annoyed] You've gotta be kidding.

Lem:
[After Chuck spoke] You speak my language.

Chuck:
Amazing! You speak my language!

Lem:
Yeah, that's what I just said.

Chuck:
You just said, "That's what I just said." [Excited] Say something else!

Lem:
Like what?

Chuck:
"Like what." They're gonna freak back at Kennedy. I am Captain Charles T. Baker, astronaut. AS-TRO-NAUT.

Lem:
[Points at Chuck] ASSSSSSSS--

Chuck:
[Clears throat] TRO-NAUT!

Lem:
Lem. LEEEMMM.

Chuck:
Either you name's Lem, or you want to mate with me? Houston, we have a little problem.

Lem:
What do you want?

Chuck:
Thanks for asking. Coffee, light, two sugars. Got any Frappuchino up here? Any puff pastry, too. Thanks.

Lem:
No, I mean... are you here to take over our world and, like, eat our brains?

Chuck:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on! What kind of sick planet is this? First of all, it's supposed to be uninhabited, okay? Not full of sea-monkeys dancing to the oldies. My mission was to plant Old Glory, whack a few golf balls and head back to the Kids' Choice Awards. I'M getting SLIMED! [Lem stares at him] What?

Lem:
You were just talking alien.

Chuck:
Hey! I'm not the alien here. You are.

Lem:
ME? YOU are.

Chuck:
No, YOU are.

Lem:
YOU are! You-- You came to MY planet.

Chuck:
[Chuckling] An ALIEN planet! HELLOOOOOOO!

Lem:
Hello.

Chuck:
Not, "hello," "HELLOOOOOO!"

Lem:
Hello-- What?

Chuck:
What?

Lem:
Huh?

Chuck:
Huh?

Lem:
HUH??

Chuck:
[Annoyed] Let's start over.

Chuck:
Look. There's a command module in orbit, right now. It's running out of fuel, and has to leave in... [Checks his timer] 74 hours, and if i'm not on it, it goes back to Earth without me. Capisce [Lem stares at him; Baker sighs] I have to get to my ship and go back up in space! Can you help me?

Lem:
You want me to take you to your flying saucer? No! If they catch me helping you, who knows what they'll do to me. I'll lose everything. My life's just getting perfect!

Chuck:
Kid, I-- You are a kid, right? You're not like an 1,000 year old Yoda, or anything? Never mind. Look, kid, you're my only hope!

Lem:
[To Chuck, who's hiding behind him] There's your flying saucer. Now what?

Chuck:
Okay, here's the plan. You knock out that cop, Then you overpower those two, you neutralize that one and handcuff the big guy to the steering wheel.

Lem:
THAT'S your PLAN? What if they start SHOOTING?!

Chuck:
You're one of their own. They'll probably just aim for your legs.

Lem:
MY LEGS??

Chuck:
Don't your legs grow back?

Lem:
NO!! We're not like your kind, okay?

Chuck:
Here, I'll tell you what: [Holds out a Twix Bar] Eat this. You'll become invincible.

Lem:
Oh, good! Then you do it!

Chuck:
I can't be seen breaking the law; I've got the "right stuff."

Lem:
The what?

Chuck:
The "right stuff." It means, I have a lot of courage.

Lem:
[Chuckling] This is GREAT! Yesterday, my life was perfect. NOW, I'M the most wanted super-criminal in the world.

Chuck:
At least you HAVE a world. I'll probably never see mine again.

Chuck:
[Eyes Rover] Rover? Boy, am i glad to see you! Rover!!

Lem:
Rover?

Chuck:
He's a probe we sent to take pictures of your world.

Skiff:
[To Chuck] Your personal chef, reporting for duty, sir. May I give you some tasty suggestions for tonight? I've got a list of the fattest teachers in my school, in case your looking for a light snack.

Lem:
Skiff, stop! He's not here to eat us or anything. He's harmless, to everyone but me.

Skiff:
Better let me do the talking. I think he's eyeing you for dessert.

Chuck:
Hey, maybe, they can get me on my ship.

Lem:
I'm leaning towards "probably not." [Rover turns on the TV, showing a reporter] But I think I know who can.

Chuck:
Hey kid, what's bugging you?

Lem:
Neera.

Chuck:
What is that, an alien hernia?

Lem:
Well, sort of. She's the girl of my dreams. And NOW, she HATES me.

Chuck:
Whoa, hate's a strong word. You mean to say, she just... dislikes you.

Lem:
Plus, there's another guy: GLAR!

Chuck:
Okay, you know your problem? It's not Glar, or Neera. It's Lem. Look at you. You're so "left-brain," or is it "right-brain?" Whatever. You're the chief of control. You gotta loosen up. [Checks his timer] We got a little time. You, my friend, are in luck. [Cracking his knuckles] The doctor is in.

Chuck:
Before we begin, I have a technical question. Are you considered very... ugly on this planet?

Lem:
What?

Chuck:
Because I can't tell.

Lem:
No. I mean... I'm... okay.

Chuck:
Oh, g-- Good, good.

Chuck:
[While giving advice on love] Are you sure you're not ugly?

Lem:
I think so.

Skiff:
[Catches Chuck trying to kiss Lem; Chuck drops Lem] LEM!!! THE CORK!!! REMEMBER THE PLAN!!!

Lem:
[Gets up and goes to the door] The only plan here is to get Chuck on TV. I'll be right back with the reporter. I'm leaving you in charge. [exits]

Skiff:
In charge? [He smiles; then walks to the others] You heard him! Things are going to be different around here. [To Chuck] My wish is your command! [Chuck slams the door on him]

Chuck:
Oh, look. That is great. Perfect. [Checks his timer, which has less than 20 hours left] Oh, JUST GREAT! PERFECT! John Glenn goes around the world, he's a senator for life! I went across the FRICKIN' UNIVERSE! I should be governor! Minimum! But NOOOOO! I'm marooned here on this STUPID ROCK!!! [Bursts into the Planetarium]

Lem:
[Marches after him; angrily] Uh, this stupid rock is my home! Or it was until you came along and ruined evrything! I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!! Unless, I don't know, maybe, there's something else you want to ruin!

Chuck:
[Points] Who's that?

Lem:
[Looks at where Chuck is pointing and sees his boss staring at Chuck, shocked; sighs] My boss.

Lem:
So... Nothing I knew was right?

Chuck:
Come on! You knew about Neera. [Holds out Lem's picture of her] I mean look at her! Lose the antenna, get some plastic surgery; she's a hottie.

Lem:
I don't have the "right stuff," like you.

[Short pause]

Chuck:
Kid... I never had the "right stuff." I'm a buttom-pusher; a spam-in-a-can. I don't even fly the ship; it's all automatic. I only got this far on my charm and rugged good looks. You risked everything to help a stranger from another world. You're the one with the "right stuff." [Rubs Lem's head]

Skiff:
Great hiding spot. I call the closet!

Eckle:
No way! Let's go fight the Army!

Skiff:
[To Chuck] How's your species in hiding? Can your skin change to this color?

Eckle:
Your call, Captain Baker. What's it gonna be? Fight or hide?

Lem:
Neither. [Everybody looks at him]

Skiff:
I think Lem's saying he wants the closet.

Lem:
I'll tell you what this is gonna be. We're going to get Chuck back to his ship. Skiff, you were right about Base 9. That's where they have his ship.

Eckle:
But... we don't know where it is.

Chuck:
Yes, we do. Rover found me, he's also programmed to find my ship. Wait, where is Rover?

Skiff:
[Moaning] It's too painful to talk about.

Eckle:
[To Skiff] It's okay. [To Chuck] They've got him at the comic book shop.

Lem:
Well, then, we're going to go get him.

Skiff:
[Calms down] Hold on. The whole Army's looking for you two. You can't just stroll through town.

Lem:
Wait, wait. That new movie; doesn't that open tonight.

Skiff:
Yeah! Why?

[Lem picks up a helmet like part of technology and looks at the group with a grin on his face]

Lem:
What are we supposed to do?

Chuck:
[Pulls out his cellphone] Give them their daily minimum dose of "Chuck." [Walks forward to the crowd] HELLO, HUMANIACS!!

Captain:
All these costumes! Sir, how do we find the alien?

General Grawl Simple, Captain. Like us, the alien is in uniform. [Sees Chuck's United States Flag insignia]

General Grawl:
Look at it, Professor. He's hideous! And that smell.

Chuck:
HEY! YOU try wearing the same suit for three weeks!

Lem:
No! You're making a mistake! He's friendly!

Professor Kipple:
Ohhh! This poor boy's obviously a zombie. I'll remove his brain, too.

Lem:
[Guard pushes him forward; terrified] Huh? WHAT?!

General Grawl:
How about it, Professor?

Professor Kipple:
Hmmm. Difficult to tell. [To Lem] Do you still believe the alien is friendly?

Lem:
[Looks at Chuck, who shakes his head, lightly; sighs] No.

Professor Kipple:
This boy is free!

Neera:
Lem? [Lem doesn't respond; sighs] I know I was kind of harsh. I'm really sorry.

Lem:
[Gets his finger shocked] OUCH! [Sees Neera] Oh, hi, Neera.

Neera:
What are you doing?

Lem:
It's called hot-wiring. It's how they start cars on Earth.

Neera:
Lem... um, I was thinking. Well, you know, now that this is all over--

Lem:
Yeah, Neera?

Neera:
Maybe... we could--

Lem:
You're going with me?

Neera:
Uh-huh.

Lem:
ALL RIGHT!

Lem:
Hey, Neera? Umm... Now that this is all over... would you... want to--

Neera:
[Eagerly] Yes!

Lem:
[Shockingly confused] But... you didn't hear what I was going to--

Something strange is coming to their planet... US!

Right stuff. Wrong planet.

There's no Space like home.

Eckle's Mother:
What did I tell you about these kind of movies?

Eckle:
It was almost over! Besides they're all the same.

Eckle's Mother:
That's not true.

Chuck:
[Taking off his helmet] I can breathe, I can breathe!

Lem:
[After Chuck spoke] You speak my language.

Chuck:
That's amazing! You speak my language!

Lem:
Yeah, that's what I just said.

Chuck:
You just said, "that's what I just said". [Excited] Say something else!

Lem:
Like what?

Chuck:
"Like what?". They're gonna freak back at Kennedy. I am Captain Charles T. Baker, astronaut. AS-TRO-NAUT.

Lem:
[Points at Chuck] ASSSSSSSS–

Chuck:
[Clears throat] TRO-NAUT!

Lem:
Lem. LEEEMMM.

Chuck:
Either you name's Lem, or you want to mate with me? Houston, we have a little problem.

Lem:
What do you want?

Chuck:
Thanks for asking. Coffee, light, two sugars. Got any Frappuchino up here? Any puff pastry, too. Thanks.

Lem:
No, I mean... are you here to take over our world and, like, eat our brains?

Chuck:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on! What kind of sick planet is this? First of all, it's supposed to be uninhabited, okay? Not full of sea-monkeys dancing to the oldies. My mission was to plant Old Glory, whack a few golf balls and head back to the Kids' Choice Awards. I'm getting SLIMED! [Lem stares at him] What?

Lem:
You were just talking alien.

Chuck:
Hey! I'm not the alien here. You are.

Lem:
ME? YOU are.

Chuck:
No, YOU are.

Lem:
YOU are! You-- You came to MY planet.

Chuck:
[Chuckling] An ALIEN planet! HELLOOOOOOO!

Lem:
Hello.

Chuck:
Not, "hello", "HELLOOOOOO!"

Lem:
Hello-- What?

Chuck:
What?

Lem:
Huh?

Chuck:
Huh?

Lem:
HUH?

Chuck:
[Annoyed] Let's start over. Look, there's a command module in orbit, right now. It's running out of fuel, and has to leave in... [checks his timer] 74 hours (which is 3 days), and if I'm not on it, it goes back to Earth without me, capisce? [Lem stares at him; Baker sighs] I have to get to my ship and go back up in space! Can you help me?

Lem:
You want me to take you to your flying saucer? No! If they catch me helping you, who knows what they'll do to me? I'll lose everything. My life's just getting perfect!

Chuck:
Kid, I-- You are a kid, right? You're not like an 1,000 year old Yoda, or anything? Never mind. Look, kid, you're my only hope! [Thinking of a lie to convince Lem to help] But I suppose you could leave me stranded. My wife will have to support the kids. 11. We have eleven kids, always hungry. Yeah, yeah, but hey, they'll get by without a father. The important thing here is for you to avoid a little trouble.