Psych

Shawn Spencer:
The chips say you're a cheater, cheater pumpkin eater!

Shawn Spencer:
Good morning detectives, collecting money for the Policeman's ball?

Carlton Lassiter:
We don't have balls.

Shawn Spencer:
I honestly have no response to that.

Shawn Spencer:
[while making something in an Easy Bake Oven] That depends. Are you a fan of delicious flavor?

Shawn Spencer:
Hang on Doogie. Where'd you get that juice box and does it come in grapalicious?

Shawn Spencer:
Oh, you mean my pilot's license? That's out back in the Cessna. Or perhaps you're referring to my license to kill. Revoked. Trouble at the Kazakhstan border. I could give you the details but then I'd have to kill you, which I can't do because my license to kill has been revoked.

Shawn Spencer:
The spirits tell me your little pants are on fire.

Carlton Lassiter:
Hey, we found prints.

Shawn Spencer:
Was he in a little red corvette?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Under the cherry moon?

Carlton Lassiter:
FINGER prints!

Carlton Lassiter:
I thought I told you no.

Shawn Spencer:
But your eyes said yes.

Carlton Lassiter:
I need to get something off my chest.

Shawn Spencer:
Is it your shirt? Please say no.

[repeated line]

Shawn Spencer:
[after someone corrects him] I've heard it both ways.

Shawn Spencer:
Remember, Dad, you treat a woman like a person, then a princess, then a goddess, then a person again.

Shawn Spencer:
I'm Shawn Spenstar and this is by partner, Gus "TT" Showbiz.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
The extra T is for extra talent.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Brazilian airport codes. How do you know that?

Shawn Spencer:
I lived in an airport for a month, Gus.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
That was Tom Hanks in The Terminal.

Shawn Spencer:
Same difference.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I'm a man of untold mystery. that's why my friends call me G.

Shawn Spencer:
Ha. That's funny. I thought they called you Big-Head Burton.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Don't ever say that name, Shawn. Besides, I know it was you who started that.

Shawn Spencer:
I'm sorry, Gus, I have a knack for alliteration. I'm a slave to it. Besides, how many words start with a B?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
About a thousand! You could have used bold, black, beautiful...

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, who would have called you Black Burton?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Now everybody on my mom's side of the family thinks that I'm a psychic detective, and they think you're...

Shawn Spencer:
Gay?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
No.

Shawn Spencer:
German?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
No.

Shawn Spencer:
Invisible?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
My assistant.

Shawn Spencer:
Wow.

Henry Spencer:
[leans in very close] Are you busy on Saturday?

Shawn Spencer:
You - you want me to come with you to awkward class?

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be exactly half of an 11 pound black forest ham.

Juliet O'Hara:
I had no idea you were so serious about bowling.

Shawn Spencer:
Quite serious, quite serious. Matter of fact, Lego wants to sponsor me this year.

Juliet O'Hara:
Oh my God, that's great.

Shawn Spencer:
They also want me to wear shoes made out of Legos... So I'm torn...

Shawn Spencer:
Besides, this is a real-life television studio, Gus. What could be better?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Eating my breakfast. I was having a poached egg with hollandaise sauce on an English muffin.

Shawn Spencer:
Look, we'll solve it up quick. You'll be home in no time. [pretends to answer phone] Hello? Dame Judi Dench called. She wants her breakfast back.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
So now I have a cat?

Shawn Spencer:
An orange tabby. Last Christmas you made her a tiny Santa hat and she adores it.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Fantastic. I can't even have a make-believe boy cat.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, a boy cat would never serve my purposes nearly as well. Next time I need you, Pickles is having kittens.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Pickles?

Shawn Spencer:
Mrs. Pickles is her full name. Although, I'm not actually sure cats can marry outside of Boston.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Wasn't Howie the victim at one point?

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, that is so forty minutes ago. I bet you're still telling your friends to chillax.

Carlton Lassiter:
You wanted to see me, Chief?

Karen Vick:
Yes. It has come to my attention, Detective, that you've discharged your weapons in the last four cases you've worked.

Carlton Lassiter:
Thank you.

Karen Vick:
That wasn't a compliment.

Carlton Lassiter:
I'm just trying to keep the streets safe.

Karen Vick:
The last incident was at a cat show.

Carlton Lassiter:
Well, let me just go on record as saying that I would never shoot a cat.

Karen Vick:
I guess I can find some solace in that.

Carlton Lassiter:
Unless it was approaching in a threatening manner, or refused to stop upon my command. I would probably just fire a warning shot to make my point, but it's actually a field decision I can't commit to at this juncture.

Receptionist:
There is a Lt. Crunch here to see you.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Crunch?

Shawn Spencer:
[enters, dressed in a Civil War uniform] Actually, I've been promoted. It's Captain Crunch.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I can't spend the night in the museum. I don't have my toothbrush, I don't have my multi-vitamins, and oh yeah, I don't want my soul suffering eternal damnation for disrupting the sleep of an Egyptian canal digger.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shawn? What the heck are you doing here?

Shawn Spencer:
I should ask you the same question.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I work here!

Shawn Spencer:
I should ask you a different question.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
How much farther to this place?

Shawn Spencer:
Fifty, sixty miles.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Sixty miles? And you didn't get me a donut?

Shawn Spencer:
I did get you a donut. And then I ate it.

Henry Spencer:
I don't even know how that ridiculous urban legend got started.

Shawn Spencer, Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[stare at each other]

Shawn Spencer:
[whispering] It was your big-ass mouth!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I wanted to keep it a secret! You were the one who was broadcasting it at the lunch table!

Shawn Spencer:
I can't believe this...

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
We actually started an urban legend.

Shawn Spencer:
That's dope.

Shawn Spencer:
Dude. Some guy in a wolf costume with a light saber just said hi to you.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[evasive] I don't know that guy.

Shawn Spencer:
He looked right at you.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
He was mistaken.

Shawn Spencer:
He said, 'Hi, Gus.' And then, another dude with a cape and a codpiece gave you a half-nod.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Are you crazy?

Shawn Spencer:
I wouldn't say crazy. Maybe an eccentric who looks good in jeans.

Karen Vick:
It goes without saying, Mr. Spencer, that your father is in no way to participate in this investigation. He's no longer on the force, and his meddling could compromise the case in court. Do I make myself clear?

Shawn Spencer:
Yes, you do, Chief. What isn't clear is why people always say "goes without saying," yet still feel compelled to say the thing that was supposed to go without saying. Doesn't that bother you?

Karen Vick:
No, and frankly, I could care less.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Now, that's the one that bothers me. Why do people say, 'I could care less' when they really mean, 'I couldn't care less?'

Karen Vick:
Well, why don't you tell me how to properly say this? If you share any official information about this case with your father, or let him anywhere near any new evidence, then the two of you will have to find another police department to work for, and I will personally see to it that each of you is charged with obstruction of justice.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You split an infinitive.

Shawn Spencer:
Good catch, Gus!

Karen Vick:
You two realize I carry a gun, right?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
That was perfectly elocuted.

Shawn Spencer:
The important thing is that you got your cover story.

Reporter:
Actually, it's page 64.

Shawn Spencer:
It really depends on how you fold it, doesn't it?

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be a myopic chihuahua. I have a foolproof plan that solves the case and gives the Chief all the credit.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
What is it?

Shawn Spencer:
Actually, all I have is the phrase "I have a foolproof plan." Beyond that, I'm wide open.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Great. Now you've gotten me kicked out of a funeral. Just add it to the list. Kicked out of Petsmart, kicked out of Santa's Village, kicked out of the Salvation Army...

Shawn Spencer:
Dishonorably discharged!

Carlton Lassiter:
Questions?

Juliet O'Hara:
Is this your only lead?

Carlton Lassiter:
His responses to my interrogation were hostile at best.

Juliet O'Hara:
Clarify "hostile."

Carlton Lassiter:
[through his teeth] Use my tone now as a guide.

Shawn Spencer:
Good morning, detectives! Collecting donations for the Policeman's Ball?

Carlton Lassiter:
We don't have balls.

Shawn Spencer:
I honestly have no response for that.

Carlton Lassiter:
Need I remind you, Mr. Spencer, what happens when you interfere with a police investigation?

Shawn Spencer:
Uhhh... The case gets solved?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
To be honest, I'm burnt. I just wanna take a nap.

Shawn Spencer:
Couldn't agree with you more, buddy. I think we should lay low for a bit. No more cases.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that. I was kind of worried about telling you.

Shawn Spencer:
Don't be a silly goose. Now, we've had a good talk, I think we both felt it, and look at this. Here we are.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
What is this, Shawn?

Shawn Spencer:
Okay, here's the thing. The police may have found a body... which I may have picked up on my police scanner which... I may have brought with me.

Shawn Spencer:
Life insurance policy?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
It doesn't make any sense.

Shawn Spencer:
Tell me about it... Dude, seriously, tell me about it. I have no idea what this means.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You never could understand legalese.

Shawn Spencer:
Oh, really? Remind me who it was who set up our Psych 401ks?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Oh, you mean our 601ks? Because India doesn't have 401ks.

Shawn Spencer:
It's a growth economy, Gus. We've already made like, 500 rupee.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
That's thirteen dollars.

Henry Spencer:
[watching Shawn jump up and down because he just figured out the case] Shawn, don't you *dare* learn a wrong lesson while I'm trying to teach you a right lesson!

Shawn Spencer:
How can you tell that someone's a compulsive liar? I mean, assuming that their pants aren't on fire.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Don't you watch the news?

Shawn Spencer:
I can't watch Channel 8 anymore. Lloyd Lansing wears a toupee. It's like every newscast begins with a lie.

Juliet O'Hara:
Detective Lassiter is literally on fire today.

Shawn Spencer:
"Literally on fire" as in Michael Jackson in the Pepsi commercial, or as in a misuse of the word "literally?"

Shawn Spencer:
I can't believe this. You lifted your look right off this mannequin!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
On the contrary, Shawn. Clearly, someone is stealing my look.

Shawn Spencer:
Right... I did see Tommy Hilfiger creeping from bush to bush sketching you.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You're taking my name off the lease and the door and these Frisbees.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be ridiculous. Look, I'm almost positive this isn't a load-bearing wall. But if you're really concerned, why don't you jump up and down in the attic to make sure?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I'm not going out there.

Shawn Spencer:
You cannot sit here in a dark car all alone. You'll be picked up for mopery.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Mopery?

Shawn Spencer:
With intent to creep. Trust me, you don't want that. It'll put a big hole in your future.

Shawn Spencer:
Don't worry, Jules. I'll crack your case like an egg. Then we'll make omelets with shallots... and JUSTICE.

Carlton Lassiter:
So you think someone planted it in his locker?

Shawn Spencer:
No, I think someone put it there on purpose.

Carlton Lassiter:
That's what I just said.

Shawn Spencer:
But mine wasn't in the form of a question, so it came from a place of power.

Carlton Lassiter:
Now I need to know your process.

Shawn Spencer:
Do you really want to know my process?

Carlton Lassiter:
Absolutely.

Shawn Spencer:
Well, it starts with a holla! and ends with a Creamsicle.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
And if there's time in between? ThunderCats. Ho-oh!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
What part of "stay put" is confusing to you?

Shawn Spencer:
The "put" part. I wasn't "put" in the first place, Gus. The whole expression is a complete disaster.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be a silly goose.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be a crazy hooligan.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be a rabid porcupine.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be a giant snapping turtle.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be an incorrigible Eskimo pie with a caramel ribbon.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be a myopic chihuahua.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be William Zabka from "Back To School".

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be this crevice in my arm.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be a traveling wilberry.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be a paranoid schizophrenic.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be a melted chocolate chip cookie.

Juliet O'Hara:
You can't judge someone by the tales they tell.

Shawn Spencer:
Don't be the American version of the British TV Gus.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be an old sponge with hair hanging off of it.

[repeated line]

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You know that's right!

Shawn Spencer:
[about Chief Vick] She hasn't called in a month. Is she still mad about me requisitioning the Segway?

Juliet O'Hara:
You did that?

[pause]

Shawn Spencer:
No.

Carlton Lassiter:
[to Shawn, while walking away] Come on, we'll show you how real cops do it.

Juliet O'Hara:
No comeback? Shawn, that's slightly embarrassing.

[Juliet leaves]

Shawn Spencer:
[half-heartedly] Where'd you get that su... suit, the toilet store?

Carlton Lassiter:
Spencer! Long time, no see... or is it, no need?

Juliet O'Hara:
Detective Lassiter is literally on fire.

Shawn Spencer:
What kind of fire are we talking about? Michael Jackson in the Pepsi commercial fire or misusing the word "literally" fire?

Shawn Spencer:
You're mad.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
No, I'm not mad. I'm happy. I'm thrilled. I love looking like an idiot.

Shawn Spencer:
Well, that explains your shoes.

Henry Spencer:
Shawn, what are you doing?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Yeah, what are we doing, Shawn?

Shawn Spencer:
I need to borrow some tools.

Henry Spencer:
What kind of tools?

Shawn Spencer:
Digging tools.

Henry Spencer:
Are you still on the dinosaur thing?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
We're still on the dinosaur thing?

Shawn Spencer:
What, is there an echo in here?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You almost closed down our agency with that little act of yours Shawn.

Shawn Spencer:
Me? You're the one spending all your extra time at your little side project.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You mean my real job? Soon to be my only job?

Shawn Spencer:
Doodles are the window to the soul, Gus. Or maybe that's the epiglottis. Where's the uvula?

Shawn Spencer:
[looking at a field of dirt mounds] Oh, look at that. It's like that movie, the one with, uh... Sigourney Weaver.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
"Aliens"?

Shawn Spencer:
No.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
"Alien"?

Shawn Spencer:
No!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
"Alien: Resurrection"?

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, the one with the holes and Shia LaBeouf.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
They had holes in Shia LaBeouf?

Shawn Spencer:
The holes were in the ground, dude. Like that.

[gestures toward the mounds]

Shawn Spencer:
And Jon Voight was walking around all crazy.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Oh! "Anaconda".

Shawn Spencer:
[sighs] Man, never mind.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
"Gorillas in the Mist"? "Death and the Maiden"?

Shawn Spencer:
No.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
"Half-Moon Street"?

Shawn Spencer:
Just let it go.

Shawn Spencer:
You think I'm afraid of a little competition?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I know you're afraid of competition. Why else would you have purposefully broken the "Battlezone" at Pizza Royale?

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, you beat me once. And only because you first used the eyepiece and *then* revealed you had pinkeye.

Shawn Spencer:
[to Karen] It's a farm, with a farmer. An old farmer. Farmer...Shooty Pants. That's a nickname. I don't think that's his actual handle.

Shawn Spencer:
[about Walker] Why didn't he just lease the land?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I don't get it.

Shawn Spencer:
[sits up] I've got an idea. Let's ask him.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
What? We're pretty sure we just found a cold-blooded killer and you want to go to his house and ask him about it?

Shawn Spencer:
We can ask nicely.

Shawn Spencer:
I can play Six Degrees of Dinosaur with you right now. You've never been in a movie with Kevin Bacon or Dilaposaurus, have you?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
How about you play Six Degrees of Kiss My Ass?

Shawn Spencer:
First of all, that sounds like a totally disturbing game.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
No Lennie!

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, you know how long I've been waiting to pull out my Lennie?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
No, Shawn, we do the National Paleontology Society thing, as agreed, and we keep it very, very simple.

Shawn Spencer:
[sighs] It's not as much fun as whipping out my Lennie.

Henry Spencer:
You still haven't answered the question of why he dug all those holes around the house.

Shawn Spencer:
Dad, that's the finale. That's why I don't invite you to these things.

Karen Vick:
Mr. Spencer, I'm surprised you didn't take the Segway.

Shawn Spencer:
She did know about that.

Karen Vick:
O'Hara just told me.

Shawn Spencer:
Traitor!

Juliet O'Hara:
The short answer is, we just haven't really needed any outside help.

Shawn Spencer:
Well, what's the long answer. I mean, throw a but in there, and add something about a dream where you and I got thrown out of a mattress showroom.

Shawn Spencer:
Completely stumped, hmm?

Karen Vick:
You getting something Mr. Spencer?

Shawn Spencer:
Yes, yes I am. [takes pad and pen from Lassiter and starts to draw]

Carlton Lassiter:
No no no no no hang on! I I've got it. The wound on the head was caused by the edge of a boat. When he fell in the water unconscious and the wounds in the back were caused by a large industrial crab trap. Or a whale, definitely could have been a whale. Lost from his pod, separated. Migrating north or south, sees our man already dead floating up on the surface, thinks it's a seal and then whale.

Shawn Spencer:
[flashlight is shown in Shawn's face] Ahh, Gus, that thing is brighter than the sun! I think you just gave me glaucoma!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You can't give someone glaucoma.

Karen Vick:
We just got a break in the case. We just found out the name of the dead man, you wanna tell them who he is detective?

Carlton Lassiter:
[moodily] No.

Shawn Spencer:
Just because I take Gus' giant dinosaur head down to a dead body, does not make me a nut job.

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, look at the road when you're driving.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I'm staying down for safety.

Shawn Spencer:
He was shooting directly into the air, Gus.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Bullets go up, they have to come down.

Shawn Spencer:
Do you know what the trajectory would have to be for that to happen.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Don't you dare argue physics with me! Not while were in the process of getting killed!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Didn't you see the "Trespassers will be shot" sign?

Shawn Spencer:
Look at that, it totally said that. My bad.

Shawn Spencer:
I'm not sure how I feel about the police being so proactive.

Shawn Spencer:
You're wrong! There is a witness. There's a cat, I wanna talk to that cat. As soon as he's finish licking himself. Wow, I'm jealous.

Carlton Lassiter:
There are no witnesses.

Shawn Spencer:
I'd like to talk to that cat - as soon as he's finished licking himself.

Shawn Spencer:
[driving] I'm telling you, the cat is NOT my new partner!

Gus:
[in the backseat] Then how come he gets to ride shotgun?

Shawn Spencer:
I want to talk to that cat... once he's finished licking himself.

Gus:
[after Shawn asks him to call a stress line] I don't know what to say!

Shawn Spencer:
Here's a good opener... 'Hello, my name is Gus, and I have a deep seated jealousy for a tiny little boy cat.'

Gus:
Was that guy trying to help me? Because I feel really creeped out right now.

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, he put you on the creepy train headed for creepy island where the creepy natives drink creepy nectar out of creepy coconuts...

Gus:
Shawn!

Shawn Spencer:
Let me tell you something. This cat here is a gift, a conduit for us to save lives. And he is more integrity in his furry little hand...

Gus:
Paw.

Shawn Spencer:
Paw. Than most people have in their whole... appendages. Appendages.

Gus:
What?

Shawn Spencer:
All of. Than most people have in all of their appendages... combined.

Shawn Spencer:
[while "channeling" the spirit of an apparent suicide victim who had just landed a role in a play] I dazzle... And I stretch. I dazzle... And I stretch.

Shawn Spencer:
[puts ear up to cat] Oh what's that? Oh I think he wants to sit in your chair, Gus. Is that cool?

Gus:
How long are you gonna keep this up?

Shawn Spencer:
Until we solve the crime!

Shawn Spencer:
You take cats?

Wes Hiltonbock:
Uh, yeah, I guess so. You two guys have a cat?

Shawn Spencer:
We do, actually. It sort of like our child.

Wes Hiltonbock:
I see. How you guys, uh, know each other?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
We're partners.

Wes Hiltonbock:
Gotcha.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Oh, no, no.

Wes Hiltonbock:
It's fine, really, I'm totally fine.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
No, we're partners in our private...

Shawn Spencer:
- relationship. Believe it, it's been a while. We finish each other's sentences. So, tell me, Wes, uh, why would you want to give up such a handsome apartment? Do you, uh, do you not like it anymore? Ooh, Gus, good news, shower for two.

Wes Hiltonbock:
Uh.

[Shawn is eating in the middle of a crime scene]

Gus:
How do you just eat when there's a dead guy laying there?

Shawn Spencer:
What, is that rude? Am I supposed to share?

Shawn Spencer:
The man with his gun trained on you is not only a fine human being with a strong Irish hairline, he is an exemplary public servant and arguably the finest detective mind in the lower western Santa Barbara County area over the age of 35.

Shawn Spencer:
[shouting to McNab] McNab! Nabby! [to Gus] Buzz.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Buzz? Seriously?

Shawn Spencer:
It's his first name. Don't you ever talk to him?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Why would I talk to someone named Buzz?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
To be honest, I'm burnt. I just wanna take a nap.

Shawn Spencer:
Couldn't agree with you more, buddy. I think we should lay low for a bit. No more cases.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Oh, I'm glad to here you say that. I was kind of worried about telling you.

Shawn Spencer:
Don't be a silly goose. Now, we've had a talk. I think we both felt it. And look at this. Here we are.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
What is it, Shawn?

Shawn Spencer:
Ok, here's the thing. The police *may* have found a body, which I *may* have picked up on my police scanner, which I *may* have brought with me.

Carlton Lassiter:
What in the name of sweet justice are you doing at my crime scene?

Shawn Spencer:
Your crime scene? That's funny, I didn't see your name on it anywhere.

Carlton Lassiter:
Ha, ha. Get out!

Carlton Lassiter:
That was adequate, Spencer.

Shawn Spencer:
Don't thank me. Thank the little boy cat.

Juliet O'Hara:
We're waiting for forensics to confirm, but it appears to be a suicide. Carbon monoxide poisoning. Asphyxiation.

Shawn Spencer:
[holding the cat] Oh, I'm afraid the cat doesn't think so.

Carlton Lassiter:
[after Shawn puts the cat in the backseat of a car where a body was found] He's peeing!

Shawn Spencer:
No, he's drawing your attention to the evidence.

Carlton Lassiter:
By peeing on it!

Carlton Lassiter:
[after a crime scene tech blows in an evidence bag] Hey, Blowy! If you want to get your spit on the evidence, why don't you just lick it?

Henry Spencer:
All you gotta do is turn something upside down to make it right side up.

Young Shawn:
And then...

Henry Spencer:
you get your prize!

Shawn Spencer:
I'd like to talk to that cat... as soon as he's finished licking himself.

Juliet O'Hara:
What makes you think I would do anything to help you?

Shawn Spencer:
Some would say it's the hair.

Carlton Lassiter:
I want you to listen to me, O'Hara. And believe this, because I mean it from the bottom of my heart. All romance ends in despair. Or death, but mostly despair. Gut-wrenching despair. And I'm-I-I hate to say this, but I'm actually happy that this happened because now you know. And it's just going to make you a better cop to realize that all people are essentially just out there to destroy any chance of happiness you will ever have. [Long pause] I feel a hug coming on.

Burton Guster:
I will handle this in perfect stealth mode. You might not know this, but I'm known as the Vault of Secrets.

Juliet O'Hara:
No, no, I didn't know that.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, it was a tricky find. I want all the glory for solving Jules' case. Besides, I'm the one that does this. [Puts hand to head] Wouldn't it be weird if you did it all of a sudden?

Burton Guster:
I think it's weird when anyone does it.

Shawn Spencer:
I think it looks pretty sweet when Simon Baker does it.

Burton Guster:
Simon Baker doesn't do it.

Shawn Spencer:
He doesn't?

Burton Guster:
No!

Shawn Spencer:
Huh. Well, at least we have that.

Henry Spencer:
You sat there and ate Munchos while I called my contacts in Sacramento.

Shawn Spencer:
I was on the missing persons website.

Henry Spencer:
The band Missing Persons.

Burton Guster:
Are you sure it's cool for us to be in the chief's office?

Carlton Lassiter:
Of course it is, I practically run this place.

Shawn Spencer:
All right...

Carlton Lassiter:
Hit the deck!

[All crouch under the table]

Carlton Lassiter:
[whispering] It's the biscuit lady.

[cart passes]

Carlton Lassiter:
[gets up] All right, we're good.

[Gus stares at Lassiter]

Carlton Lassiter:
I owe her eighty cents. And I... I kind of made out with her at the department picnic.

Carlton Lassiter:
Turns out Juliet's boyfriend was working for a company owned by the infamous J.T. Waring.

Burton Guster:
Nope.

Shawn Spencer:
Come on, Gus, she wrote all the Harry Potters.

Burton Guster:
That's J.K. Rowling, Shawn.

Carlton Lassiter:
J.T. Waring is a Los Angeles mobster, went down for racketeering a few years ago.

Shawn Spencer:
What's racketeering?

Carlton Lassiter:
Nobody knows.

Carlton Lassiter:
Get down! [Pulls Shawn and Gus under the table]

Shawn Spencer:
That was a dude.

Burton Guster:
That must have been some crazy picnic.

Juliet O'Hara:
Gus, what are you doing?

Burton Guster:
I-I'm a sympathetic crier.

Juliet O'Hara:
I'm not crying.

Shawn Spencer:
You like tall men and fat animals.

Juliet O'Hara:
Yes. Yes, I do.

Shawn Spencer:
Here's the thing: I think Scott was murdered, robbed. The killer thinks the coast is clear. He's finally selling off his belongings. [Knocks on door]

Burton Guster:
So all we have to do is find the seller.

Shawn Spencer:
We just did!

Burton Guster:
What?

Shawn Spencer:
Ooh.

Burton Guster:
You just knocked on the door of a murderer and all you can say is, "Ooh?"

Shawn Spencer:
I should have thought about it in my head before I said it out loud, but I wanted a fun reveal. For you!

Burton Guster:
Shawn!

Shawn Spencer:
I'm sure any of us would have done the same in his place.

Burton Guster:
No, we wouldn't. Remember when you saw that accident and then you pretended to be blind?

Shawn Spencer:
That's different. Our movie was going to start in eight minutes. Why would you bring that up?

Burton Guster:
This is your fix, Shawn? The man is a convicted murderer, he's going to have us killed!

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be the "iiiit!" in "Wait for iiiit!" This is going to work great.

Shawn Spencer:
Hello, Mr. Waring. My name is Shawn Spencer, well-known psychic detective. This is my associate Burton Guster.

Burton Guster:
*Now* you want to use my real name?

Shawn Spencer:
[British accent] Look... Scott Seaver worked for you for two years. He had no beef with you.

Burton Guster:
Why are you talking in an accent?

Shawn Spencer:
I'm speaking this man's language.

Burton Guster:
The man's language is English.

J.T. Waring:
Look, Mr Spencer... sometimes things happen without my knowledge. People on the outside want to do things for me whether I ask them to or not. I have that kind of effect on people.

Shawn Spencer:
'Course they do, you're super cool.

Burton Guster:
Shawn!

Shawn Spencer:
What?

Shawn Spencer:
Could you ask those people to *not* do those things to Scott?

J.T. Waring:
Perhaps. What's in it for me?

Shawn Spencer:
How about I bake you a cake that's extra high in... iron?

[Raises eyebrows]

J.T. Waring:
I have a far less ridiculous counter-proposal for you.

Shawn Spencer:
My God, he's convincing!

Burton Guster:
Convincing? He's a criminal!

Shawn Spencer:
Yes. But he has a great head. And a real presence. There's something very Billy Zanian about him.

Burton Guster:
You and Billy Zane are the only ones who use that term.

J.T. Waring:
Do you understand about honor, Mr. Spencer?

Shawn Spencer:
Of course I do. I have a bootleg copy of "Saving Private Ryan" at home.

Juliet O'Hara:
[on reconnecting with Scott] I feel like that scene in "Grease".

Carlton Lassiter:
After the bonfire? When Sandy sprung on Danny when he least expects it?

[long pause]

Carlton Lassiter:
What? I can't see movies, too?

Juliet O'Hara:
That is spot on. With scary precision.

Carlton Lassiter:
Here's the thing, O'Hara: You haven't seen this guy in, like, seven years. You're both entirely different people. The only way you'll know anything is if you get to know each other again. Everything else is pure speculation. It's like... like wondering what would have happened if Kenickie had driven down Thunder Road.

Juliet O'Hara:
Are we still on "Grease"?

Carlton Lassiter:
We never weren't.

Burton Guster:
I'm just saying, the door's been sitting here for five years untouched. There's decay.

Shawn Spencer:
Decay? This isn't "Planet of the Apes", Gus.

Scott Seaver:
Do you guys always disagree like this?

Shawn Spencer:
[Simultaneously] Not always.

Burton Guster:
[Simultaneously] Always.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, get down there. Be the body.

Burton Guster:
I'm not laying on the floor!

Shawn Spencer:
Come on, man, I'm onto something.

Burton Guster:
This is a two hundred and sixty dollar shirt.

Shawn Spencer:
You got that for eighteen bucks.

Burton Guster:
List price, Shawn.

Shawn Spencer:
You cannot quote list price!

Shawn Spencer:
Couldn't they have convicted him with the bullet?

Scott Seaver:
No, it-the bullet went right through the guy.

Burton Guster:
And they never found it. Didn't you read the trial transcript?

Shawn Spencer:
Pfft. Yeah, Gus, it was right at the top of my To Don't list.

Burton Guster:
Everything you've said in the last two days has been wrong.

Shawn Spencer:
That's not true. I was right about Mr. T being an extra in "The Blues Brothers".

Scott Seaver:
[watching Shawn use binoculars] You know those are backwards, right?

Shawn Spencer:
What?

[turns binoculars around]

Shawn Spencer:
Oh, my... that makes all the difference in the world!

Burton Guster:
Shimmy up a little higher. And stop worrying about messing up your fingernails.

Shawn Spencer:
This thing is covered with sap, Gus. And you know I have very sensitive cuticles.

Karen Vick:
You've reached a new level of recklessness this week, and unfortunately, it has become necessary to issue you both formal reprimands.

Shawn Spencer:
On what grounds?

Karen Vick:
How about misuse of a federal database? Informing a convicted criminal that his accuser is out of protection? Trespassing? Agreeing to assist an incarcerated murderer?

Shawn Spencer:
These are crimes? What is this, North Korea?

Burton Guster:
I think they all are, except the last one, which is just poor judgment.

Shawn Spencer:
[after catching the criminal] Oh, boy. You're going to hide behind your little gun, huh? Come on, man, put that thing down. Take me on "mano a mano", huh? Just two dudes going at it. Two unevenly matched dudes, huh?

Shawn Spencer:
[after slapping a guy in the face in a fist fight] I'm not proud of that.

Shawn Spencer:
[to his attacker, after jumping to his feet from his back] Dude, did you see what I just did?

Burton Guster:
So, what happened?

Shawn Spencer:
Gave him the old "mano a mano" speech.

Burton Guster:
Did it work?

Shawn Spencer:
Not even sort of.

Juliet O'Hara:
He had this connection through his late grandfather's office, with the mayor, and he actually got us Super Bowl tickets! Thirty-five yard line!

Shawn Spencer:
Super bow...

[Shawn sees Gus and Lassiter hiding behind a tree, spying on them]

Juliet O'Hara:
It was the most exciting night of my life.

Shawn Spencer:
[smiling, but pointed] Get out of here! You *and* your black friend! Get out of here!

Karen Vick:
I don't mean to sound like a hard-ass...

Juliet O'Hara:
You didn't.

Karen Vick:
I did.

Juliet O'Hara:
I didn't get that at all.

Karen Vick:
Well, actually, I was *trying* to sound like a hard-ass.

Juliet O'Hara:
Mission accomplished!

Juliet O'Hara:
I got egg noodles and ketchup.

Shawn Spencer:
[speaking into a bluetooth earpiece while driving] Well, Dad, thanks for trying. And bonus points for using the word 'jackass' in another conversation unironically.

Burton Guster:
You've been on the phone this whole time? So you haven't heard anything I've said?

Shawn Spencer:
The complaining? No, I heard the complaining.

Burton Guster:
We've been going the wrong direction for about two hours now, Shawn!

Carlton Lassiter:
I want you to know, you have my blessing.

Juliet O'Hara:
For what?

Carlton Lassiter:
To consumate your relationship with Scott.

Juliet O'Hara:
Whoa, Carlton!

Carlton Lassiter:
I just meant that, should this thing work out, this guy's okay in my book. Look, I dont get to be a confidant all that often - ever, for anybody, because people don't really talk to me. So I... I wanted to give this careful consideration. And, after a thorough background check and an unauthorized blood test, I get what you see in this guy.

Shawn Spencer:
[up on a tree when a loud gunshot is heard] Guy with a gun! We need to go!

[Gus and Scott start running away]

Shawn Spencer:
With me! You're supposed to bring me!

Carlton Lassiter:
Spencer, you missed something. We found prints.

Shawn Spencer:
Was he in a little red corvette?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Under the cherry moon?

Carlton Lassiter:
*Finger* prints.

Shawn Spencer:
[to Gus] Stop acting like a rapid porcupine!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[the phone rings] Don't you dare answer that.

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, it's Jules. She could be bleeding and in a ditch.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
She's not bleeding.

Shawn Spencer:
She could be in a ditch.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
She's not in a ditch.

Shawn Spencer:
She could be lonely and in the shower.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
She has a shower phone?

Shawn Spencer:
I certainly hope so. Dude, it's a win-win... except for the ditch one.

Nigel St. Nigel:
You're stiff. Inarticulate. Slightly jaundiced. Asymmetrical. You smell. The one on the right, there's something in your teeth. All in all, I'd say there's absolutely nothing worthwhile about either one of you.

Singer #1:
But... we haven't even sang yet.

Nigel St. Nigel:
Apples and oranges. Anybody else?

Emilina Saffron:
[slurred] I like 'em.

Nigel St. Nigel:
Well, of course you like them, you've been asleep for the last forty-five minutes. Zapato?

Zapato Dulce:
Well, I...

Nigel St. Nigel:
Good. Moving on.

Zapato Dulce:
I was the first to sign on. This was supposed to be MY show! MY shot! MY comeback! You turned me into a simp! I freaking hate you! People don't even know who I am. I get fan letters addressed to Geraldo, Ricky Martin, and that guy from the El Pollo Loco commercial. You ruined everything! Why won't you die?

[Zapato lunges at Nigel, but is quickly restrained]

Nigel St. Nigel:
Really? That was your plan? That has to be the poorest executed attack in history. I was two feet away from you all the time. I mean, you have to be absolutely, without doubt, the worst murderer I have ever seen.

Emilina Saffron:
Now you're trying to seduce me.

Carlton Lassiter:
I never thought I would make this sound in my lifetime, but... ewww!

Shawn Spencer:
I'm Shawn Spenstar. This is my partner, Gus T.T. Showbiz.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
The extra T is for extra talent.

[in an interrogation room]

Carlton Lassiter:
Great. What are you two doing down at that competition?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
We're looking for our big break.

Shawn Spencer:
Do I get a phone call?

Carlton Lassiter:
No. I am trying to conduct an investigation. Out!

Shawn Spencer:
Don't you want to ask us if we did it?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Ask *him*. I plead the fifth.

Juliet O'Hara:
Shawn, I'm a detective, not a svengali.

Shawn Spencer:
Oh, come on, Jules...

Juliet O'Hara:
Shawn, I think I would know if I were a svengali.

Juliet O'Hara:
Well, I did go to cheerleader camp for two weeks. I got kicked out.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Kicked out?

Juliet O'Hara:
It's a long story. Suffice it to say I don't like liars who steal nail polish and then pass out when you slap them a little bit on the back of the head.

Henry Spencer:
I've got an ice-cold can of whoop-ass just sitting in that fridge!

Shawn Spencer:
Actually, it's diet whoop-ass.

Nigel St. Nigel:
[sitting in Gus' car] I feel like I've been incarcerated in a blueberry.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shawn!

Nigel St. Nigel:
This car makes me want to weep and then die.

Henry Spencer:
Take it off!

Nigel St. Nigel:
No!

Shawn Spencer:
Uh, Dad? I think he's going commando under there.

Henry Spencer:
No, he's not.

[looks at Nigel, who smiles]

Henry Spencer:
What kind of sick bastard goes commando underneath another man's robe?

Juliet O'Hara:
What about Detective Lassiter?

Nigel St. Nigel:
Absolutely not. His hair looks like it was poured out of a cake mold.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shawn, we're in a hallway. Staying close to the wall doesn't make us invisible.

Shawn Spencer:
I'm going to disagree.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
How did you know that sandwich didn't come from the kitchen?

Shawn Spencer:
Easy. There were only eighty-three sesame seeds on his bun. All the other ones from the hotel have eighty-seven.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Are you serious?

Shawn Spencer:
[scoffs] No. The other ones have swords, Nigel's had a toothpick. I'm not Rain Man, Gus.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You sing like Rain Man.

Shawn Spencer:
[about American Duos] This is just another knock-off of the other knock-off of the original knock-off of that other show.

Nigel St. Nigel:
[on Shawn and Gus's audition performance] It was real, it was rough, post-post-postmodern, yet challenging. Sandpaper-esque.

[Shawn attempts to take food off Gus's plate]

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You must be out of your damn mind.

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, you have three full cobs.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shawn, I will slap you.

Henry Spencer:
That's it - take off the robe! Wearing that robe is a privilege and you, pal, have just lost it!

Nigel St. Nigel:
I steadfastly refuse. This is the plushiest, most opulent robe I've ever had the pleasure of wearing.

Henry Spencer:
Well, there's one thing we can agree on. Now give it up.

Nigel St. Nigel:
No. I feel like an angel baby swaddled in a cocoon of cloud candy

Nigel St. Nigel:
[seeing Henry's house] Good Lord. Who lives here, the Boringtons?

Shawn Spencer:
There's a better then decent chance this goes poorly.

[Shawn is kneeling beside a toilet]

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
That's what you get for drinking whole milk, Shawn.

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, I have bones of granite.

Emilina Saffron:
Hello? I need my bag! [sees Lassiter] Oh, Mr. Bean, thank God it's you! I really need my bag, please.

Carlton Lassiter:
And I need a confession.

Emilina Saffron:
I have a kid in Milwaukee. The father's Samoan. Can I now please have my bag, Tony Randall?

Lester Beacon:
You supposed to be up here?

Shawn Spencer:
Define "supposed to be."

Chance Cade:
Nigel just called us a curious combination of inbreeding and type 2 diabetes, but he passed us through anyways.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Wow. That seems awfully harsh.

Chance Cade:
Yeah, Australian people are mean.

Nigel St. Nigel:
[to Shawn] What is it with you and throwing things?

Juliet O'Hara:
I wouldn't put all my eggs in Emilina's basket. She's barely lucid enough to form word endings, much less plan a series of attacks on Nigel's life.

Shawn Spencer:
She could be like Keyser Soze.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
With one shoe.

Emilina Saffron:
[to Lassiter] Come on, Count Chocula, I know you're in there! Don't make me pee on something! Again!

Carlton Lassiter:
Well, who was it?

Emilina Saffron:
I can't be sure. I thought I was dreaming, but it might have been a werewolf.

Shawn Spencer:
Nigel!

Nigel St. Nigel:
[crawling out from under a table] I just, um, dropped some... items.

Juliet O'Hara:
Well, I did go to cheerleader camp. For two weeks. I got kicked out.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Kicked out?

Juliet O'Hara:
It's a long story. Sufficient to say, I don't like liars who steal nail polish and then pass out when you slap them a little on the back of the head.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I might have been a little pitchy; I had a dairy-heavy Jamba Juice.

Nigel St. Nigel:
I feel like an angel baby, swaddled in a cocoon of cloud candy.

Young Shawn:
[dressed as Roland Orzabal from Tears for Fears and annoyed that Gus showed up dressed as Michael Jackson instead of Billy Ocean] Why would Michael Jackson sing with Roland Orzabal?

Young Gus:
Why would Billy Ocean sing with Roland Orzabal?

Young Shawn:
Because he's awesome.

Nigel St. Nigel:
I feel as if I have been incarcerated in a blueberry.

Carlton Lassiter:
Spencer, you missed something. We've found prints.

Shawn Spencer:
Was he in a little red Corvette...

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
under the cherry moon?

Carlton Lassiter:
Finger-prints

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I want pancakes. Who wants some pancakes? Whipped butter... Maple syrup... What?

Juliet O'Hara:
The best things, the richest things, are the things that don't come easy.

Shawn Spencer:
Question, regarding the whole "Mary" thing.

Mary:
My father was named Mary. His father before him was named Mary. And his father before him was named Craig.

Henry Spencer:
[sitting outside the car where Madeleine has a bomb strapped to her] Maddy?

Madeleine Spencer:
Henry?

Henry Spencer:
Yeah, it's me, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere.

Madeleine Spencer:
All right. Then I won't either. Besides, I don't really have anything better to do right now.

Juliet O'Hara:
What I'm saying is that I think, maybe, the best things, the richest things aren't supposed to come easily, and that sometimes the moments that make the most sense happen when everything else doesn't and, well, I think you deserve more than popcorn tonight.

Shawn Spencer:
Mary, I'm surprised it took you so long. You seem so spry.

Mary:
Ankle weights. I always wear 'em, even when I sleep. Read about it in Men's Fitness. Totally reinvigorated Ryan Reynolds' career.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Okay, so let me get this straight. You took on this case because you felt bad for Jimmy getting kicked out of school for something he didn't do, and now you've convinced the police to reopen the case that led to Jimmy being arrested for murder.

Shawn Spencer:
Did I ASK for nutshelling?

Shawn Spencer:
Everyone hold your horses!

[Winning jockey bends over and hugs his horse]

Shawn Spencer:
I meant metaphorically, but I like the love.

Henry Spencer:
Wow, I've never been in the jockey's club before. Thanks for getting me these tickets, Shawn. Good thing we wore our lucky shirts.

Shawn Spencer:
Yeah, well, I hope some guy doesn't look at me and have a seizure.

Shawn Spencer:
I just helped a guy in a shirt designed by a monkey.

Shawn Spencer:
Jimmy, what is it exactly you'd like for us to do?

Jimmy Nicholas:
Well, uh... one of our friends from our old school told me about your company. And even though it sounds kinda gay, I thought I could hire you to come down to the track and maybe, uh... psychically figure out what's wrong with the horses.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Okay, first of all, you ride on the backs of mounts while carrying a whip. That's MUCH gayer than what we do!

Shawn Spencer:
[referring to one of his father's shirts he's being forced to wear] A little girl outside started crying when she saw this shirt.

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, I broke up a highly sophisticated race-fixing syndicate while wearing a shirt designed by a monkey coming off a three day sugar binge.

Shawn Spencer:
[looks at his father's colorful shirt] Wow Dad. Tell me you're wearing that shirt because someone has to spot you from space.

Carlton Lassiter:
[about the dead jockey] Apparently, the guy took everything in sight. He was four foot nine and three feet of that were drugs.

Juliet O'Hara:
Shawn, how do you know this?

Shawn Spencer:
Same way I know that as a child, Lassie wanted nothing more than a pony.

[everyone stares at Lassiter]

Carlton Lassiter:
Well, come on, who didn't?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Anyone who wasn't an eight year old girl.

Shawn Spencer:
Lassie, your childhood must have been pure hell. The good news? I'm available for hugs.

[Lassiter leaves]

Shawn Spencer:
Jules? How about it?

[Juliet leaves]

Shawn Spencer:
Buddy? It's been a while.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[rolls his eyes] Please.

[looking at a model of their old classroom]

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Why is my name on the detention list?

Shawn Spencer:
You were caught eating a Kit-Kat out of the trash can.

[Shawn inserts himself into a childhood flashback]

Young Shawn:
What are you doing here?

Shawn Spencer:
This is my head, dude, I can do whatever I want. So what did we miss, what's going on here?

Young Shawn:
Is that what my hair looks like in the future?

Shawn Spencer:
Sure is.

Young Shawn:
But I thought I'd be bald by twenty. This changes everything!

Shawn Spencer:
Yeah, it does. Think big.

Juliet O'Hara:
Sorry, it's just that little people make me... well, let's just say I had a bad experience with a Christmas elf.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
What, he didn't give you the right Christmas present?

Juliet O'Hara:
No, we dated. And then he dumped me for a dancer from "The Ice Storm on Ice."

[Juliet walks away]

Shawn Spencer:
She is an enigma wrapped in a little blond riddle.

Shawn Spencer:
Look, after Jimmy got kicked out of school, there was all these stories about what happened to him: he ran away from home, he got thrown in juvenile hall, moved to a small town in Kansas where they outlawed singing and dancing...

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
The last one is "Footloose."

Shawn Spencer:
That's a coincidence.

Barry Saunder:
Tracks probably closing down after this meet. 25 years I've been doing this.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Why is it closing down?

Barry Saunder:
Well no one comes anymore.

Shawn Spencer:
Is it because of his shirt? [points to Henry] Sorry dad, this is like a genocide of color. Somewhere a rainbow is weeping.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
He's not getting my lunch money, I tell you that much.

[Gus picks up a small bat]

Shawn Spencer:
Great, you can terrify him with your Wally Joyner mini-bat.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Open the door.

[Shawn opens the door, revealing a very short Jimmy]

Jimmy Nicholas:
Waddup, boys?

Shawn Spencer:
[to Gus] That's a good call with the mini-bat.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You always gotta hit it right on the nose, don't you? Why couldn't I be Crockett?

Shawn Spencer:
Because, Gus, you stood in front of the entire third grade class and said, "When I grow up, I want to be Phillip Michael Thomas."

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Well, you said, "I want to be the mascot for the Milwaukee Brewers."

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, he's the biggest sausage in the world!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[Gus and Shawn are looking for a tall blonde woman] Shawn, look. TBW.

Shawn Spencer:
Way to stay on the abbreviation train, Gus.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You mean the AT?

Shawn Spencer:
Everybody stop! Let's acknowledge that the chief is wearing leopard print... and continue.

Barry Saunder:
I've been collecting these artifacts for a number of years. I'm actually 1/16th Indian myself, but not Cherokee.

Shawn Spencer:
Hey! Gus is 1/16th robot, and not the evil take-over-the-world from "I, Robot" kind.

Shawn Spencer:
He's not going to kill us... right? I mean, people change. We haven't seen him since the fifth grade.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I don't need to see him, Shawn! Some people are just born evil: the kid from "The Omen", the Children of the Corn, Chad Michael Murray.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[after finding out that Juan Carlos was having an affair with Jimmy's wife] Looks like Juan Carlos was taking all Jimmy's mounts.

Shawn Spencer:
[on Jimmy's outfit] I think he looks like a tangelo in that outfit. Or maybe a clementine with seeds full of hate.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I think he looks like an evil little Creamsicle.

Shawn Spencer:
You mean Dreamsicle.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
No, Shawn, Creamsicle. They're exclusively orange.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
That's why my friends in school used to call me The G.

Shawn Spencer:
That's funny. I thought they called you Big Head Burton.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Don't you ever say that name! I know it was you that started that!

Shawn Spencer:
I'm sorry, Gus, I have a knack for alliteration. I'm a slave to it. Besides, how many words start with B, really?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
About a thousand. How about bold? Black? Beautiful?

Shawn Spencer:
Who's going to call you Black Burton?

Henry Spencer:
We got the game ball!

Young Shawn:
*I* got the game ball.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Let me be very clear. These hands are not touching anyone. I only use these hands to touch myself.

[beat]

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Uh... let me rephrase that...

Shawn Spencer:
Stop speaking. And no more fist bumps for the rest of the day.

Carlton Lassiter:
Yeah. We pulled up Vlad's body an hour ago.

Karen Vick:
Mr. Spencer, it looks like you're a little late to the game this time.

Carlton Lassiter:
What, no witty retort? No reference to some obscure 80s film? Wow! O'Hara, write this down.

Juliet O'Hara:
I don't have a pen.

Carlton Lassiter:
Make note of the date and time that I, Carlton Lassiter, actually shut Shawn Spencer's cavernous pie hole.

[Shawn mutters under his breath]

Carlton Lassiter:
Sorry, what was that?

Shawn Spencer:
Something about "Night of the Comet". Just forget it.

Shawn Spencer:
My dad would love this.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Yeah. Too bad he's not talking to you. You should have just gone on the camping trip.

Shawn Spencer:
I'll make it up to him this week. I'll head over there for dinner. Bring him a pouch of Big League chew. Maybe watch a couple episodes of "The Mentalist". He'll be fine.

Shawn Spencer:
[wearing a football jersey] How do I look, Jules?

Juliet O'Hara:
Like my eleven-year old nephew in his Peyton Manning pajamas.

Shawn Spencer:
Your eleven year-old nephew is ruggedly sexy. It's weird.

Carlton Lassiter:
[as Shawn is on stage explaining the crime] Wait, wait, wait, wait. This doesn't make any sense. Gregor was already dead.

Shawn Spencer:
Do I come down to your office and bother you when you're working?

Carlton Lassiter:
All the time.

Shawn Spencer:
That's fair.

Shawn Spencer:
All right, what do we know about Emily Bloom?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Well, she wrote "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret" and "Freckle Juice".

Shawn Spencer:
I think that was Judy Blume.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Oh. Then I got nothing.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[looking through a closet in the models' loft] Dude, you thought I was going to have trouble blending in. I have this shirt, this shirt, most of these shirts. And these are my exact Kenneth Coles. And that picture of my mom parasailing in Montego Bay...

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[stops] You moved me in?

Shawn Spencer:
[trying to call Gus] Straight to voicemail, huh? That's how we're doing it now? One moderately hot chick comes by and suddenly I'm invisible? You know what, Gus? That's fine. I'm taking the bunk next to the window, and don't be surprised if your pillow smells faintly of my butt!

Carlton Lassiter:
You don't remember where you were this afternoon?

Hassenfeffer:
It was yellow... and boring.

Juliet O'Hara:
Are we talking about a restaurant?

Hassenfeffer:
I don't know. Maybe. Just write down that it was lame.

Shawn Spencer:
The 'cheetah' is the worst name for a pick-up move in the history of mankind. Remember the rule: Treat a woman like a person, then a princess, then a Greek goddess, then a person again. Besides, I think 'Operation Colonel Sugar-lemons' is a much better move for a place like this.

Shawn Spencer:
Look, I don't care what you do, okay? I don't care! I just don't want to hear about it. So don't call me on the phone, asking me for advice... and don't expect me to meet you and your new dominatrix girlfriend for dinner.

Henry Spencer:
Kid, this isn't easy for me, either.

Shawn Spencer:
Yeah, it never was. Have a nice date.

[Shawn turns to leave, but hesitates in the doorway]

Shawn Spencer:
And unless you plan on taking her to Wayne Manor, lose the turtleneck, okay? Let her admire her work. And remember, you treat a woman like a person, and then a princess, and then a Greek goddess...

Henry Spencer:
...and then a person again.

Shawn Spencer:
Right.

Henry Spencer:
[smiles] Okay.

Henry Spencer:
Thanks for coming, son.

Shawn Spencer:
You said it was important.

[sees Henry's tight black turtleneck]

Shawn Spencer:
Clearly, you're about to shoot an Old Spice commercial.

Doorman:
Holy crap! It is you! Sorry for the mix-up, Tan.

Shawn Spencer:
I beg your pardon? My name is Black. His name is Tan. I can't believe you just made that assumption. You should be ashamed of yourself and your family.

[Shawn finds Gus preening in a mirror]

Shawn Spencer:
Am I dreaming?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Nope. I just look this good.

Secret:
Is that the same suit?

Carlton Lassiter:
Yes, okay? It is! I can get more than one wearing out of a suit in a work week.

Secret:
It's the same tie...

Carlton Lassiter:
Get out of here!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Don't just get up there and start winging it. That's not how we operate.

Shawn Spencer:
Dude... where have you been for the last two years?

Shawn Spencer:
Stop the projector!

[movie continues to play]

Shawn Spencer:
Or... or just keep it going. That's... that's fine.

Shawn Spencer:
Do you suspect foul play?

Carlton Lassiter:
Not really. There's no one here with an IQ over 40.

Juliet O'Hara:
Guys, we don't have time for this.

Shawn Spencer:
I know, and that's why I'm here to offer our services.

Carlton Lassiter:
I'd rather shower with a bear.

Shawn Spencer:
[on the models] Look, they're only going to talk to their own kind, okay? Shallow, judgmental, cruel, and gorgeous. We're already embedded.

Shawn Spencer:
[about Emily's drawings] Wow... these are really good.

Emily Bloom:
Oh, thank you. Um, I've never really shown them to anyone before.

Shawn Spencer:
Why not? I'd totally wear these.

[points to a drawing of a bikini]

Shawn Spencer:
This if I was very confused.

Shawn Spencer:
How's it going, crimefighters?

Juliet O'Hara:
Well, they're not very forthcoming... or bright.

Carlton Lassiter:
One of them could not confirm the correct spelling of his own name.

Secret:
[about Gregor] I miss him so much. He was the only one who knew how to accentuate my shoulders to make my waist and hips look smaller.

Shawn Spencer:
I'm Black.

Emily Bloom:
I know who you are. You're staying at the loft. You're the one no one believes used to be a model.

Hassenfeffer:
I do like that jacket.

Carlton Lassiter:
Really?

Hassenfeffer:
Somewhere, a transient is shivering in the night.

Henry Spencer:
[about his upcoming date] Should I take her to Crab Shack Willy's or The Third Wharf?

Shawn Spencer:
Those can't possibly be real places.

Shawn Spencer:
I know this may be hard for some of you to believe, but I'm not really Black. And I'm not a model. My partner Gus and I are detectives.

Berlinda:
[to Gus, disgusted] You're not a model?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I'm only a detective part time. And my full name is Tangus.

[after Shawn finishes explaining how the murders happened]

Carlton Lassiter:
[holding up handcuffs] So, what do I do with these?

Shawn Spencer:
Nothing. I guess what I'm saying is, you're all free to leave.

Emily Bloom:
A bunny does not have to go blind to prove that our customers shouldn't eat our clothing!

Emily Bloom:
[to Juliet] There's no reason why you can't dress to arrest.

Shawn Spencer:
[to Abigail] This is Detective Carlton Lassiter. I do his job and sometimes his hair, though clearly not today.

Shawn Spencer:
[to Abigail, on the police station] This place was actually built by the Amish, which explains the complete and utter lack of zippers.

Shawn Spencer:
What can I do for you...?

Raj:
Raj.

Shawn Spencer:
Can I call you Roger?

Raj:
First name's Rajesh.

Shawn Spencer:
Let's stick with Roger.

Shawn Spencer:
[to Raj] I'm going to tell you what I do. I don't want you to freak out because it's so cool, okay? I'm a psychic. A great and powerful psychic, whose powers inspire fear and awe in those who first experience them. I am a crime solving machine and I have closed over fifty cases - many without pants.

Shawn Spencer:
Look, I was humiliated by Lassiter. Carlton Lassiter. A challenge has been issued and I need every tool we've got.

Burton Guster:
Are you calling me a tool?

Shawn Spencer:
I'm calling you my partner, my logic braid, my magic wish machine.

Carlton Lassiter:
At this point it looks like an accident.

Shawn Spencer:
Like your hair.

Carlton Lassiter:
Really? Down to hair jokes, now?

Juliet O'Hara:
[Shawn emerges on the ladder next to her] Um, Shawn, you know this ladder is really built for one.

Shawn Spencer:
Well, Jules, lots of things say they're built for one but can easily fit two people. Tanning beds, iron lung, that's just to name two.

Shawn Spencer:
[to Raj] As sure as I am that Gus will cause his own death, I know you are not cursed.

Raj:
You know, guys, my grandmother tends to make her food a little spicy. You might want to take it easy.

Burton Guster:
[laughs] Please! I'm one quarter Jamaican.

Shawn Spencer:
I'm also one quarter Jamaican.

Burton Guster:
You are not. Stop telling people that.

Shawn Spencer:
[to Raj's grandmother] I'm sorry, was this chicken seasoned with molten lava?

Shawn Spencer:
[re: the spicy food] Really, you're just fine?

Abigail Lytar:
I taught English to children in Mumbai for a month. This is very authentic. What's the matter, Shawn, you don't like it?

Shawn Spencer:
No, no, I think I like it too much. It's so authentic. [Crying slightly from the spice. To Gus] Dude, I can't see anything out of my left eye.

Burton Guster:
I see dead people.

Shawn Spencer:
[Both drink some water] My god, even the water's spicy.

Burton Guster:
Who does that?

Abigail Lytar:
So you came here to help Raj.

Shawn Spencer:
Yes.

Abigail Lytar:
And instead you got his brother arrested.

Shawn Spencer:
That's correct.

Abigail Lytar:
Business as usual?

Shawn Spencer:
It's a process.

Burton Guster:
[Re: Raj] Are you as jealous of this guy as I am?

Shawn Spencer:
More. Except for the part where his girlfriends almost die.

Shawn Spencer:
[to Raj] We've spoke to your other girlfriends.

Burton Guster:
And we've concluded that they were all kind of hot. [Raj smiles]

Shawn Spencer:
[in a car, doing surveillance on Juliet and Raj on a fake date] Man, I don't like this.

Burton Guster:
You don't like Juliet dating somebody.

Shawn Spencer:
*Fake* dating. That's not it. It's this whole using-her-as-bait thing.

Burton Guster:
You had no problem dangling his girlfriend out there as bait.

Shawn Spencer:
Now you're changing the rules, aren't you? Look at Raj. He's getting awfully hands-y over there. Taking advantage of the situation like that!

Carlton Lassiter:
[over the walkie talkie] No, he's definitely bugged by O'Hara dating this guy.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't leave the talk button on.

Shawn Spencer:
[Waiting in the dark when Raj and Juliet come home] Well, well, well. It's 11:20. Look who finally decided to come home.

Juliet O'Hara:
[laughing] Oh, I'm sorry, Shawn. Are you upset about something?

Shawn Spencer:
As a matter of fact I am... Raj.

Raj:
What did I do?

Shawn Spencer:
Look, I didn't like this idea to begin with. You've been on four dates now. It's been a complete and total failure.

Juliet O'Hara:
No, Shawn, we've been on three dates.

Shawn Spencer:
No. There was the carnival where Raj won you a big, fat, stuffed octopus. There was the long walk on the pier where he kept brushing your hair gently out of your face. Then there was dinner tonight where there was an awful lot of hand holding, and who could forget the coffee at the police department where you blushed and squealed and giggled like a school girl?

Juliet O'Hara:
That was not a date. He was there to sign some papers. You were watching us?

Shawn Spencer:
It's called surveillance. I surveillate things. I'm a prevailer of surveillarism. Let's not get caught up in word play. The point is, we've been at this little charade for three weeks and it's yielded a grand total of nada.

Juliet O'Hara:
You're right.

Shawn Spencer:
Course I am. You see that?

Raj:
Look, it's clear that the killer doesn't think that Detective O'Hara is my girlfriend or maybe they still know I'm in love with Mina. We can keep at this for six months, we're still not going to get anywhere.

Juliet O'Hara:
Unless we did something to remove all doubt, something big. I mean you said it yourself, the attacks only happen when Raj gets serious.

Shawn Spencer:
Right.

Juliet O'Hara:
[to Raj] Your entire family's going to the Holy Festival this weekend?

Raj:
Yeah.

Juliet O'Hara:
I have another idea. Raj... you wanna get married?

Juliet O'Hara:
There's Mrs. Singh. She hates me and people don't hate me. I get Christmas cards from people I arrest.

Shawn Spencer:
She doesn't hate you, okay?

Juliet O'Hara:
Apparently I don't fit the picture of what her perfect Raj deserves. I am smart and I am fun and I am almost always in a good mood, damn it.

Carlton Lassiter:
[after Shawn saves Juliet] What'd I miss?

Shawn Spencer:
Not me getting slapped in the face.

Burton Guster:
By a girl.

Abigail Lytar:
Cause that didn't happen.

Shawn Spencer:
I got a wedding invitation from Raj and Mina.

Abigail Lytar:
Yeah?

Shawn Spencer:
Yeah. It feels good, you know, bringing people together, watching them sail off into the sunset, giving a good guy the ol' "Happily Ever After." I felt for Raj. End of the day, we had a great deal in common.

Abigail Lytar:
You gonna go?

Shawn Spencer:
Nah. I barely knew that dude.

Abigail Lytar:
Well, color me impressed.

Shawn Spencer:
I'd rather color you with a variety of edible body paints.

Abigail Lytar:
Duly noted.

Shawn Spencer:
Besides, it wasn't that impressive. I solve a case every week and usually one around Christmas.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Marzipan.

Burton Guster:
It's Azkaban.

Shawn Spencer:
I've heard it both ways.

Burton Guster:
No, you haven't.

Shawn Spencer:
[taking Abigail on a tour of the Police Station] This is my "I Told You So" room, where I like to gloat after a completely wild accusation turns out to be spot on. That's my "Oops" corner, where I apologize to people for being arrested after a completely wild accusation turns out to be just that. Over there is where you get gum. Free.

Juliet O'Hara:
Well, Lassiter's really got your goat, huh?

Shawn Spencer:
Yeah, he does, and I want it back. God knows what he's doing to that poor thing.

Juliet O'Hara:
You don't really believe in love curses, do you?

Shawn Spencer:
Jules, I'm a psychic, I have to remain open to any number of - why? Do you?

Juliet O'Hara:
Well, I think that everyone who's looking for a soul mate may at one time feel that there are outside forces conspiring against them.

[Shawn moves towards her]

Juliet O'Hara:
Shawn, what are you doing?

[Shawn flashes on a nail beside her]

Shawn Spencer:
It wasn't a curse.

[Pulls nail out]

Shawn Spencer:
Not this time. Plastic. That wasn't going to hold Mina for long, now was it?

Juliet O'Hara:
Snapped in two and painted to look like metal.

Shawn Spencer:
This means we're looking for a real, flesh-and-blood human being or a genetically enhanced monkey. Either way, someone wanted to hurt this girl.

Carlton Lassiter:
I'm really sorry, Spencer, I can't play with you today. I'm about to go solve another case and do it in record time.

[to Abigail]

Carlton Lassiter:
Hello.

Shawn Spencer:
It is at this point that I must decide which part of that very bold statement to riff off of. Now, I can hone in on "another", which implies that he's solved more than one.

Abigail Lytar:
That's pretty easy, though.

Shawn Spencer:
Or I crack down on "record time" in posit that, for him, record time is, like, two and a half years.

Abigail Lytar:
Good, not great.

Shawn Spencer:
You drive a hard bargain.

Abigail Lytar:
You love it.

Carlton Lassiter:
I know! Why don't you go home and wait for me not to call you?

Shawn Spencer:
He's just saying that so it'll be more dramatic later on when he has to ask for my help.

Abigail Lytar:
More dramatic for who?

Shawn Spencer:
I don't know.

[points to a random officer behind him]

Shawn Spencer:
That guy, I guess.

Shawn Spencer:
All right, I'm sorry, no offense, but it's stupid that you people eat food this hot.

[Everyone stares at him]

Shawn Spencer:
[to Abigail] I said "no offense", right?

Shawn Spencer:
[Shawn is in the middle of explaining how he solved the mystery, when a Holi Festival attendee suddenly walks by and throws paint in his face] Really, dude? Really?

Shawn Spencer:
Somebody forgot to drink their courageous juice this morning!

Juliet O'Hara:
[Shawn leans in very close, inches from Juliet's lips] Shawn, what are you doing?

Shawn Spencer:
Nothing.

Juliet O'Hara:
Really? Cause if you're doing what it looks like you're doing, it's going to be one of those things we just talked about.

Shawn Spencer:
What's that?

Juliet O'Hara:
A mistake.

Shawn Spencer:
I agree, but that's clearly not what we're doing.

Juliet O'Hara:
Okay, really? What do you say we're doing?

Shawn Spencer:
I call it... very close talking.

Shawn Spencer:
What is everybody's deal? Like, what-what is going on here? Is it because I'm not wearing the vest? Is that what it is?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You didn't tie up the boat?

Shawn Spencer:
Me? The last guy off the boat ties it up, everyone knows that.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You asked for the rope! Why would you ask for the rope if you didn't intend on tying it up, Shawn?

Shawn Spencer:
What are you, the ambassador of rope etiquette?

Shawn Spencer:
Just because we didn't go to the costume shop and get a bounty hunter's wrist-bracelet-and-accessories kit doesn't mean that we won't be bringing it in a big way.

Byrd Tatums:
Well, go ahead and bring it. Be careful out there, people get hurt. Oh, and by the way...

[points to his wristband]

Byrd Tatums:
...these don't come in "Tiny".

Shawn Spencer:
[scoffs] We'll just get a women's Large.

Shawn Spencer:
[Shawn is asked to clear Tancana's name] I'll do it... one condition.

Dwayne Tancana:
What?

Shawn Spencer:
[points to a biker] I need that guy's vest.

Juliet O'Hara:
Do you know what it's like to have an internal voice that tells you what the right thing to do is all of the time, and you do it, and it works, and you're good at what you do, and then one day it just shuts off, and in that moment there is no voice, and you just have to listen to yourself, and in an instant, in a millisecond, you make a tiny but crucial mistake and screw up so badly, it affects your whole life?

Shawn Spencer:
No, I do not... but Gus here might.

Carlton Lassiter:
Just so we're clear, just so there's no confusion, let me explain this one more time in terms I know you'll understand.

[holds first hand at eye level]

Carlton Lassiter:
Cops are here.

[drops second hand to waist level]

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Bounty hunters are here.

[holds first hand slightly above second]

Carlton Lassiter:
Psychics are here

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
We beat bounty hunters!

Carlton Lassiter:
By a knuckle.

Shawn Spencer:
Where are orthodontists on this scale?

Carlton Lassiter:
I'm asking for your help. Don't make me ask twice.

Shawn Spencer:
Okay, Lassie, the answer is an enthusiastic and sprightly "Yes!" You've got yourself a couple of bounty hunters.

Byrd Tatums:
Look, if I play my cards right, this is going to be my last run. I'm going to collect my fifty G's and then I'm quitting the game, I'm retiring.

[Shawn gasps, ducks behind Gus]

Byrd Tatums:
What?

Shawn Spencer:
My bad. Usually right when someone's about to retire, they get shot at, yeah?

Shawn Spencer:
Dude! We're, like, the best bounty hunters ever! The criminals come straight into our car... already cuffed!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[after meeting Byrd Tatums] Wow... I think I hate that guy.

Shawn Spencer:
Yeah, well, that's the way it usually goes when you meet your childhood heroes, Gus. Nothing but heartache and disappointment. Remember how sad you were when you ran into Judge Reinhold at the dry cleaners?

Bartender:
[Shawn and Gus are in a biker bar looking for Tancana] Listen, I don't know which fraternity dared you to walk in here, but you better run on back to campus, before you get beat so bad, it's gonna hurt to cry.

Dwayne Tancana:
[after Tatums' involuntary twitch in his eye goes off] Did he just wink at me?

Shawn Spencer:
Is this a briefcase or an attach??

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I think it's a briefcase. Attach?s have a softer shell.

Shawn Spencer:
Really? That's all that differentiates them, a softer shell?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Well, "attach?" does have a better ring to it.

Shawn Spencer:
Let's go with attach?.

Carlton Lassiter:
[to Byrd] Hand over the satchel.

Shawn Spencer:
Ooh, satchel! I didn't think of that one.

Shawn Spencer:
Well, I guess you have to go home and... feed your parrot.

Juliet O'Hara:
Shawn, I don't have a parrot.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[about Byrd] You know what, Shawn? Let's get out of here. This guy wouldn't know a good deal if it bit him in the seat of his Han Solo action figure pants!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Now I'm going to head home, take a long nap, and wait for the bruises to show up on my wrist.

Shawn Spencer:
That actually sounds pretty good. I'll come along. It's been a long time since we've napped together.

Shawn Spencer:
[to Carlton] You know, when you reprimand us, you might try using your *feeling* voice. Otherwise, all we hear is...

Shawn Spencer, Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[sarcastically, in deep voices] Arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, raa, raa, raa, raa, raa, raa,raa...

Shawn Spencer:
[on the phone with Juliet] Admit it, you're a little turned on by the whole bounty hunter thing, aren't you? Come on, Shawn Spencer, Bounty Hunter. I mean, I know the psychic thing is sexy, I mean, that's a given, it's a sexy thing, but... Shawn Spencer, Bounty Hunter. It's hot.

Shawn Spencer:
[while wearing a scruffy beard prop, a cap, and a trench coat] Unlike some detectives, when Gus and i show up for a stakeout, we try to blend in with the regular people.

Juliet O'Hara:
Who's Gus supposed to be?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I'm a regular guy in a car, I blend in fine.

Carlton Lassiter:
Well at least one finally realized who the real suspect is.

Shawn Spencer:
Guess someone did. [the four spot Gillian going into the building. She stops and looks behind her, suspicious-like]

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Wait, he thinks we're tailing her?

Shawn Spencer:
shhh.

Carlton Lassiter:
She's obviously meeting her new boy-toy. Maybe one even younger than the last.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
younger? Who does he think she's meeting with? Justin Beiber?

Henry Spencer:
Yeah, well, fooling around with your best friend's sister certainly wasn't your most brilliant idea.

Shawn Spencer:
No, that was the toaster alarm I invented in the third grade that woke you up by smacking you in the face with a waffle. [pause] I think I peaked too soon.

William Guster:
God don't like ugly.

Shawn Spencer:
I'm not a parent. Or an uncle. Or a godfather. I think children are sticky.

Coroner Woody Strode:
As anyone good at foreplay can tell you, electricity always leaves a mark.

Judge Horace Leland:
[after Gus has just impressed everyone in the courtroom with his legal skills] Where did you go to law school?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Just sixth grade law, Your Honor. But it was an accelerated program.

Judge Horace Leland:
[motions to Shawn] The point is, do you know this man?

Carlton Lassiter:
I do.

Judge Horace Leland:
And has he worked on cases for the department?

Carlton Lassiter:
He has.

Shawn Spencer:
There you have it.

Adam Hornstock:
There you have it.

Judge Horace Leland:
And was he helpful?

[pause]

Carlton Lassiter:
Absolutely.

Shawn Spencer:
[whispering, to the stenographer] Did he just say "absolutely" with a little half-smile? I'd like that printed out, please, I'm thinking of shellacking it on a nice piece of maple. Maybe a little decoupage.

Shawn Spencer:
Hey, strong shag, strong tie, strong person.

Adam Hornstock:
Have you ever considered going by the name of Bolt Lightning?

Reuben Leonard:
No.

Adam Hornstock:
Cloudy McMillan?

Reuben Leonard:
No.

Adam Hornstock:
Wendy Morningdew?

Reuben Leonard:
That's a woman's name.

[at the law offices of Hornstock, Hornstock, Biederman, and Hornstock]

Shawn Spencer:
Hornstock, I think you have the potential to be a fantastic lawyer. You just need confidence. After all, that is your name on the door. Now, come on!

Adam Hornstock:
Oh no, no, no. None of those Hornstocks are me. The first one is my grandfather, he founded the firm. The next one's my father, then my brother.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Wow... a whole family of lawyers.

Adam Hornstock:
Yeah, even my sister.

Shawn Spencer:
Well, there you go. She didn't make the door.

Adam Hornstock:
She's Biederman. It's her married name.

Shawn Spencer:
Dad, they took my bike!

Henry Spencer:
Tell it to the embassy.

Shawn Spencer:
And I... I might not be able to get it out of the impound.

Henry Spencer:
No? Then maybe it's time for you to consider a real mode of transportation, huh?

[beat]

Shawn Spencer:
You will do anything you can to impose your will on me. You hated that bike. You have always hated that bike. And you've been especially hard-assed about it since I...

Henry Spencer:
Since what, Shawn? Since you what? Since you had your accident, is that it? Is that where your old man crossed the line? Fine, I'll tell you what: I will back off. I'm gonna lay off, man. I'll tell you what you do: You take me off your call list when the ambulance picks you up and brings you in that door. All right? Fair.

[Henry turns away]

Henry Spencer:
Get over yourself, kid. Or at least learn how to park.

Adam Hornstock:
My firm doesn't really believe in...

Shawn Spencer:
Winning?

Adam Hornstock:
No.

Shawn Spencer:
Mermaids?

Adam Hornstock:
No.

Shawn Spencer:
The Minotaur?

Adam Hornstock:
Me.

Adam Hornstock:
Now can we please go before Jurekie gets back?

[Shawn sees Jurekie's wedding ring in a saucer]

Shawn Spencer:
Carter Jurekie just left for a nooner with his mistress. We have at least two hours.

[Shawn sees a picture of Jurekie]

Shawn Spencer:
Maybe an hour and a half.

Judge Horace Leland:
Would you stand and state your name for the court?

Carlton Lassiter:
Carlton Lassiter, Santa Barbara Police Department, Your Honor. Head detective, eleven years... this May.

Judge Horace Leland:
[sarcastic] Perhaps you'd like to inform the court of your favorite color, as well.

Shawn Spencer:
Clouds don't kill people. People kill people.

Shawn Spencer:
Judge, I argue that this tape should not be admissible.

Judge Horace Leland:
On what grounds?

Shawn Spencer:
Well, we're citing...unfair surprisery.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
The key piece of evidence was half-melted candlesticks. We need evidence. Where are our candlesticks, Shawn?

Shawn Spencer:
Maybe you just jumped over them.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
What?

Shawn Spencer:
Be nimble? Be quick? You're not going to give me anything for that?

Shawn Spencer:
[to Lassiter] Please tell me you're not one of those courtroom groupies that bounces from trial to trial. Wait a second...was that you at the Michael Jackson hearing with the sequined glove and the shirt that said "Please Free the Man in the Mirror"?

Shawn Spencer:
The question is, why would Lassiter send a letter to the D.A.'s office?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Don't you ever watch "Law and Order"? They tend to work together sometimes.

Shawn Spencer:
You mean to tell me our whole lives you've never been to a single auction?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Nope.

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, watch this. It's very fun.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
How is it fun? You're bidding against the public for your own motorcycle. What happens if somebody outbids you?

Shawn Spencer:
I've been practicing my paddle raise. It's very subtle.

Shawn Spencer:
Life insurance policy?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
It doesn't make any sense.

Shawn Spencer:
Tell me about it. [pause] Dude, seriously, tell me about it. I have no idea what this means.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You never could understand legalese.

Shawn Spencer:
Oh really? Remind me who it was who set up our Psych 401K?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Oh, you mean our 601Ks? Because India doesn't have 401Ks.

Shawn Spencer:
It's a growth economy, Gus. We've already made, like, 500 rupee.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
That's 13 dollars.

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, he's running! International sign of guilt!

Juliet O'Hara:
[about Lassiter's date] You told the dead clown story, didn't you?

Carlton Lassiter:
What? That is a funny story.

Juliet O'Hara:
Clowns are funny. Stories about them being shot to death? Not so much. Please tell me you didn't draw a diagram of the bullet holes.

Carlton Lassiter:
Wha - there were crayons on the table. What was I supposed to do?

Juliet O'Hara:
You took her to a restaurant that had crayons on the table?

Karen Vick:
You know, when I used to work vice, my partner was an alcoholic, and one night I went over to his house, handcuffed him to a radiator, and made him dry out. And when he finally sobered up, I gave him a choice: go into the department rehab program or chew your hand off for freedom. He chose the program.

Juliet O'Hara:
Is that a... real story?

Karen Vick:
Maybe it is, maybe I saw it on an old "Police Woman" rerun.

Dutch the Clutch:
Ain't nobody tellin' me I can't do anything no more!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[to Shawn] I think that was the worst English I've ever heard.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[as they follow Red, both whispering] Let me go first. I'm more stealthy.

Shawn Spencer:
In your dreams.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I'm as graceful as a gazelle, Shawn.

Shawn Spencer:
You are not!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
A jackal.

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, a jackal is not graceful. It's like a rabid, vicious badger.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Do I rush you when you're doing your whole, "Ooh, I'm sensing this, I'm sensing that"?

Shawn Spencer:
Always. And you usually jab me in the ribs with your elbow, which is like a chocolate harpoon.

Shawn Spencer:
[about Lassiter] I'm sensing it'll be easier to get a stranger to go out with him than someone he works with.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Or knows him.

Shawn Spencer:
Or has ever had a conversation with him.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Or he hasn't shot.

Shawn Spencer:
One more question: are we locked into the same species?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You're guilty of attempted patricide!

Shawn Spencer:
And... you tried to kill your own dad!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
What is all this?

Shawn Spencer:
Those are forms that must be filled out so that we can be Die-Hards. Just sign them.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[reading] These release the employer from any liability in case the stunt tester is... "torn to shreds"? Stunt tester? Is that what we're doing? Are you crazy?

Shawn Spencer:
Trust me, and be cool.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Wait, this one is in case we're "accidentally chewed to death by a malfunctioning robot"? Oh, hell no!

Shawn Spencer:
Relax. We'll be fine.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[reading] "Deboned"? "Killed and re-killed"? How does that even work?

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be an old sponge with hair hanging off of it. I'm all over this case.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
"Mimed to death"?

Shawn Spencer:
That's clearly a typo. They meant "maimed". What, are we going to be killed by Marcel Marceau?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Marcel Marceau is dead.

Shawn Spencer:
See? There's nothing to worry about!

Shawn Spencer:
Apparently, you're unaware that some churros have more nutrients than carrots. Twelve more of these, I'll have my RDA of riboflavin.

Shawn Spencer:
They call this a motorcycle show? There's, like, four motorcycles here. They don't even have the bike from "Blue Thunder".

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
That was a helicopter.

Shawn Spencer:
You're right. I was thinking of "Blue Lagoon".

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
There wasn't a bike in "Blue Lagoon".

Shawn Spencer:
How did they get off the island, Gus?

Shawn Spencer:
Just let me leave you with this, Dutch. It doesn't take a psychic to see how much people love you. Your son came to me and hired a psychic against his better judgment to keep you alive. And you don't know this yet, but all he wants in the worid is to be more like you. You go to your son, or your wife, or anyone on your crew for that matter, and you ask them which they'd rather have: six more months with you or a million dollars. You know damn well what they'll answer, and they won't have to think about it for a second.

Dutch the Clutch:
Is... that right?

Shawn Spencer:
True story.

[Dutch hesitates a long time, then finally reaches for his helmet]

Dutch the Clutch:
You're wrong. I *was* that kid in class who shot milk out of his eyes. And I was damn good.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You 're guilty of attempted patricide.

Shawn Spencer:
And... for trying to kill your own dad.

Juliet O'Hara:
Just so you know, if you go to prison, Shawn... I will not wait for you!

Shawn Spencer:
You won't have to. I'll escape. We both know that.

Shawn Spencer:
...I believe in a lot of things. I believe in fresh tennis balls, the healing power of bunnies, and that the novels of Susan Sontag are something I'll never read. In fact, I don't even know who Susan Sontag is. What is she... like... a painter? I believe in Crystal Lite because I believe in ME. I believe in the movies of Val Kilmer, though these days it ain't so easy. I believe in Darren Sproles, the word "dabble", the first season of "Silk Stockings", and big, warm, moist, gooey chocolate chip cookies that melt in your mouth and all over your face. Finally... I believe that you secretly tried to drug Izzy so that you could steal his playing time, you son-of-a b*tch.

Cal Eason:
My... that was a stupid speech.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
He has an irrational fear of Patrick Dempsey.

Shawn Spencer:
It's very rational! It's rational. Either of you watch "Grey's Anatomy"? The man is completely terrifying.

Juliet O'Hara:
[smirks] You're just jealous of his hair.

Shawn Spencer:
[hesitates] Well, there's that...

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
There's *only* that.

Shawn Spencer:
You know how when we were kids, there were all those cool prizes at the bottom of cereal boxes?

Juliet O'Hara:
Yeah.

Shawn Spencer:
Okay, well, there are two kinds of kids. There's the kid who flipped the box over and opened it from the bottom and grabbed the prize right away. And then there was the kid who waited patiently and ate bowl after bowl of cereal until... until the prize just tumbled out on its own. There's also a third kid named Mikey who'll eat anything, including the prize, but he's not really important right now.

Juliet O'Hara:
Okay... and?

Shawn Spencer:
I didn't wait. I didn't wait for my decoder ring or my Frankenberry action figure when I was a kid, so what am I waiting for now? All I know is that I don't want to miss out on the prize.

Juliet O'Hara:
[nervously] What are you trying to say, Shawn?

Shawn Spencer:
That I... I...

Juliet O'Hara:
Hmm?

[pause]

Shawn Spencer:
[weakly] I don't know.

Shawn Spencer:
[after Lassiter pulls his gun on a barking Rottweiler] Who are you, Michael Vick?

Carlton Lassiter:
I'm not going to shoot him. *He* doesn't know that.

Shawn Spencer:
He doesn't know *anything*. He's a dog.

Young Shawn:
[Being hosed off] This is humiliating.

Henry Spencer:
Not as humiliating as being the parent of the only child sent home from his school with lice.

Young Shawn:
This shampoo smells like urinal cakes.

Henry Spencer:
Smelling like a men's room is a small price to pay for ridding your scalp of parasites.

Young Shawn:
How'd I get lice anyways?

Henry Spencer:
You tell me. You come in contact with anything out of the ordinary lately?

Young Shawn:
No, unless you count that squirrel with the foamy mouth I've been playing with.

Henry Spencer:
Well, it's a good thing they sent you home. All it takes is one unclean child to start a full blown outbreak.

Young Shawn:
What's an outbreak?

Henry Spencer:
That's when an illness is passed from person to person until it becomes widespread.

Young Shawn:
How's it passed?

Henry Spencer:
Well, you could come in contact with a sick person or maybe even something they've touched.

Young Shawn:
Like a comb?

Henry Spencer:
Exactly like a comb. Wait, why'd you say comb?

Young Shawn:
Because I used yours this morning.

Henry Spencer:
Sha... Shawn? [Pulls off gloves and scratches his head] Damn it.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I don't know what smells worse: that breakfast burrito or those nacho cheese corn nuts you used to eat.

Shawn Spencer:
Well, lets do a smell test. [Pulls out nacho cheese corn nuts] Here, close your eyes.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Dude, I demand to know what's going on with you.

Shawn Spencer:
What ever do you mean?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Why are you eating stinky food and dressed like you're about to go tailgating.

Shawn Spencer:
I'll tell you exactly why: because I can.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Okay, I get it. So now that you're single, you're doing all the things Abigail wouldn't let you do while you were dating.

Shawn Spencer:
You nailed it, which is why I'm TiVoing "Blame it on Rio" as we speak. And dude, my favorite ringer is back.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Please tell me it's not...

Shawn Spencer:
[Plays "Shake Your Rump"] Just shake your rump. I also put my favorite piece of art back on the wall.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
It's not art, Shawn. It's a poster of a hot blond laying on a Corvette that says "Hauling Ass."

Shawn Spencer:
Well, if it's not art, why did I insure it for half a million dollars?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Because you're an idiot.

Shawn Spencer:
You know me, Mr. Nonjudgmental.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
He also goes by Mr. Dobolina.

Shawn Spencer:
Mr. Bob Dobolina.

Shawn Spencer:
Donny, what was in the cooler?

Donny Leberman:
[Nervous] The Thornburg virus.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
*The* Thornburg virus?

Shawn Spencer:
Thornburg? What does this have to do with Richard Chamberlain?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
That's "The Thorn Birds." This is the Thornburg, an extremely rare virus that usually targets people in Africa - which makes it racist, by the way.

Shawn Spencer:
Let me get this straight, you hit the town, got sloppy drunk, passed out, woke up without a virus? Isn't it usually the other way around?

Shawn Spencer:
[Running up to a crime scene at a convenient store] Dude, we should come back later and hang out with our skateboards.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You know that's right.

Juliet O'Hara:
Wow, I have never seen the two of you arrive so fast at a police scene.

Shawn Spencer:
Well you've never seen us called to one with a grape Slushee machine in the back either.

Juliet O'Hara:
Thornburg? I studied that in school. Has their ever been a case in the US?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
No, there's not enough black people.

Donny Leberman:
Wow, I can't believe it. This is crazy. So I took her back to my room? I never do that. Is it possible I have game?

Shawn Spencer:
No, she was a prostitute.

Donny Leberman:
Come on.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Think about it, you met her at the hotel bar.

Shawn Spencer:
Plus her name is Ginger, Donny. Throughout history there's only two Gingers that weren't prostitutes: Ginger Rogers and Ginger from "Gilligan's Island." And I still have my suspicions about the latter. In fact, Gus, I've made my decision. She was a filthy pirate hooker.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You know that's right.

Juliet O'Hara:
[On the phone with Shawn re: Ginger's house] And Shawn, she must be a great hooker, cause this place is sweet.

Shawn Spencer:
Whoa, hey, hey, excuse me, uh, we just checked into this room, you think you could come back a little bit later?

Cleaning Lady:
But it's not clean.

Shawn Spencer:
That's okay, neither are we.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
This room was paid for in cash and registered to a Val Kilmer.

Shawn Spencer:
It's either an alias or Val has officially lost it.

Carlton Lassiter:
This is a waste of time. We're rushing to check out some coffee place that some mysterious person who may or may not be carrying a deadly virus may or may not have visited.

Donny Leberman:
Well, I for one, trust Mr. Spencer's instincts on this.

Carlton Lassiter:
[to Juliet] Who the hell is this?

Juliet O'Hara:
Carlton, we need to look into every possible lead at this point. Besides, you were already wrong once today.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I've never seen Lassie put in his place like that.

Shawn Spencer:
It's hot. I'd like her to put me in my place.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
That makes no sense, Shawn.

Carlton Lassiter:
[Lassiter, Donny, Shawn, Gus and Juliet are all being showered in the parking lot] I mean is this really necessary? I didn't even go inside the cafe.

Donny Leberman:
Oh it's necessary. Yeah, the CDC doesn't want to take any chances.

Carlton Lassiter:
For the last time, who the hell is this?

Donny Leberman:
Oh, I'm Donny Leberman. Hey, I'm the guy who screwed all this up.

Carlton Lassiter:
I'm not big on nude handshakes.

Juliet O'Hara:
They're probably just being safe, Carlton. [Hit by a hose] Ooh, that tickles.

Carlton Lassiter:
Spencer, are you shampooing your hair?

Shawn Spencer:
Yes I am, Lassie. I always travel with a small packet of Johnson and Johnson's baby shampoo in my wallet.

Juliet O'Hara:
Baby shampoo?

Shawn Spencer:
No more tears, Jules.

Carlton Lassiter:
[Getting scrubbed down] Whoa, take it easy, slugger, what are we dating?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I can't believe this, Shawn. First, we're looking for a prostitute, now I'm naked in a parking lot.

Shawn Spencer:
It's just like our prom night.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shawn.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, relax. Don't be Nick Cage's accent from "Con Air." We've bathed together before.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
When we were three.

Shawn Spencer:
It's essentially the same thing. It's just impolite to pee. [to the person scrubbing him down] That feels great by the way.

Juliet O'Hara:
Dr. Reidman is the foremost Thornburg authority, not only in the state but in all seven continents. He's here to help us.

Shawn Spencer:
Is he, Jules? No offense, "Doctor," there's a lot of freaky-deaky stuff going on here and how can we be sure you're a legit M.D.?

Dr. Steven Reidman:
Well, for starters, I carry one of these in my pocket [pulls out stethoscope]

Shawn Spencer:
He's legit.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I still smell like stinky nuts, Shawn.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, we don't have four hours to riff on that.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You refer to the virus in the feminine tense?

Dr. Steven Reidman:
Indeed, if you knew her as I do, there's no mistaking her for anything other than a she.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
That doesn't make any sense.

Dr. Steven Reidman:
Neither do women.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[Nods] I hear that.

Dr. Steven Reidman:
Excuse me, you say you divined this psychically?

Shawn Spencer:
That's right.

Dr. Steven Reidman:
Fascinating. If you should pass away, I would love to dissect your temporal lobe.

Shawn Spencer:
Sure. I can't possibly see why not, but I'm hoping you get us all through this thing alive.

Dr. Steven Reidman:
Yes, in that case, I would love to get my hands on a sample of your DNA.

Shawn Spencer:
Weird. Uncomfortable. Consider it done.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You know, I'm actually the brains of this operation so you might wanna get mine.

Dr. Steven Reidman:
I could care less about your secretions. However, I would love to get my craniometer around that giant Raisinette of yours or is it a Goober? Possibly a Milk Ball.

Shawn Spencer:
I'd say Milk Ball. It's Milk Ball.

Carlton Lassiter:
Spencer, why don't you get out of sight, alright? Mallon knows what you look like and you're not trained in covert surveillance.

Shawn Spencer:
Really? What part of training is announcing our presence with a megaphone?

Carlton Lassiter:
Just go hide in a bathroom and stay out of our way.

Shawn Spencer:
Alright, we'll go. Not because you told us to. Gus has to tinkle.

Shawn Spencer:
Well, I'm not hero, Steve. I didn't do anything that anyone with incredible upper body strength and Native American cheekbones wouldn't do.

Shawn Spencer:
Steve, what are you and your porn 'stache doing here in our office?

Shawn Spencer:
[shawn and gus are each in hazmat suits, standing at Melissa's bedside. Gus flirts with her] Gus! You should be ashamed of yourself! Let me handle this. Melissa, how many sexual partners have you had in the last six months?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shawn! [Melissa starts counting fingers, but is interrupted by shawn's phone ringing]

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Enough with that song already!

Shawn Spencer:
I can't reach my back pocket. You're gonna have to punch me in the ass.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You must be out of your mind.

Shawn Spencer:
Just sock me in the butt!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
No, Shawn.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be Nick Cage's accent from Con Air.

Juliet O'Hara:
Shawn, I need to ask you something, and I'm sure this is just me overthinking things, but, um... yesterday you were at the hotel. You saw the hallways. You know the layout.

Shawn Spencer:
Guilty as charged.

Juliet O'Hara:
Well, you said that you had this spectacular vision that Marlowe was covered in garbage. But couldn't you have just remembered that there was a trash chute on every floor and then taken a guess?

Shawn Spencer:
[nervous] Uh, yeah, I... I suppose so. But that would've been a pretty wild guess, don't you think?

Juliet O'Hara:
Absolutely, and you know, I probably wouldn't have given it a second thought, but then there was this.

[holds up a concert ticket receipt from Shawn's jacket pocket]

Juliet O'Hara:
And I am sure there's an explanation, but you know me. I won't be able to stop thinking about it, and I certainly won't be able to Wang Chung until we clear it up. Lassiter said you had a vision of Herb with Michael Damian, but you had this receipt, so you knew Herb would be there, right?

[flashbacks of Shawn's relationship with Juliet begin to play]

Juliet O'Hara:
Shawn, are you listening to me?

Shawn Spencer:
Falling in love with you was never part of the plan, okay? This whole thing started because my ass was on the line. Self-preservation, Jules - you got to understand that. I didn't have a choice. And then we sort of found a groove, and by the time you showed up, it was so much fun. I put away, like, over a hundred criminals. Most of them were murderers. I'm good at what I do. And what I do, it's good, isn't it?

Juliet O'Hara:
What are you talking about? Are you telling me this is all a lie?

Shawn Spencer:
[quietly, desperate] Please don't make me answer that.

Juliet O'Hara:
Oh, my God!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Brazilian airport codes. How do you know that?

Shawn Spencer:
I lived in an airport for a month, Gus.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
That was Tom Hanks in "The Terminal"!

Shawn Spencer:
Same difference.

Shawn Spencer:
I want the truth. What really happened to my cat Chairman Meow?

Henry Spencer:
You want answers?

Shawn Spencer:
I want the truth!

Henry Spencer:
You can't handle the truth!

Henry Spencer:
I'm not a pet-killer, Shawn. Chairman Meow is living very happily in a retirement home in Ojai. And I don't want to burst your bubble, but Chairman Meow...is Chair*woman* Meow.

[young Shawn and Gus are starting a club]

Henry Spencer:
You know, a club needs regulations, bylaws. You guys got any rules?

Young Gus:
Yes. No girls!

Young Shawn:
And everybody has to be under twelve. No old guys.

Young Gus:
And they have to have a love of correct grammar.

Young Shawn:
That's not a rule!

Young Gus:
You said we could have one special rule. That's mine.

Young Shawn:
And that's the best rule you could think of?

Young Gus:
I think you mean, that's the best rule *of which* you could think.

Young Shawn:
[gets up] I'm not being in a club with this!

Young Gus:
Fine! I don't need you and your misplaced prepositions!

Carlton Lassiter:
Uh, I was just driving by the office and saw the lights on...

Shawn Spencer:
You want to hire us.

[Lassiter hesitates]

Shawn Spencer:
Oh, come on, Lassie, it's not that tough. Let it go.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Yes, come on.

Shawn Spencer:
Look around! You're in a safe place, surrounded by men... who love you. Gus?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Lassiter, I love you.

Shawn Spencer:
I'd like to show you something.

[hold his left hand at eye level]

Shawn Spencer:
See that? It's the lodge radar. And look at this.

[flaps his right hand underneath his left]

Shawn Spencer:
It's me, flying underneath it. CAW CAW!

[walks his fingers across the table]

Shawn Spencer:
Now look down here. It's Gus. He can't fly.

Carlton Lassiter:
Spencer, I want you to listen to me, and listen closely. I know Irving Parker very well, and he wouldn't kill anyone. Sure, he might hobble their spirit and crush their soul and dance on the flaming ashes of their broken marriage, which he had a part in ending... but he wouldn't kill anyone.

Shawn Spencer:
My God! Did you see who that was?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
It's hard to see anything with someone's knee in your eye!

Shawn Spencer:
It's your own knee!

Shawn Spencer:
How sure are you?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Eighty-five, eighty-six percent.

Shawn Spencer:
We've gone on much less.

Irving Parker:
Are we done?

Carlton Lassiter:
We're done when I say we're done!

[pause]

Carlton Lassiter:
We're done. You can go.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[introducing Shawn] This is my associate, William Zane.

Shawn Spencer:
[concluding his summation] Who knew... that in small doses, it acts as a vaccine, while larger doses are absolutely lethal?

[every doctor in the club says "I did"]

Shawn Spencer:
[right after breaking into a house] Say what you will about credit cards and paper clips, sometimes a door just needs to be *owned*.

Shawn Spencer:
[about Parker] Look, he's the only suspect we have. He tried to hate *me* to death. I know it's circumstantial, but in a pretty bad way...

Shawn Spencer:
[doing the Monarch Lodge's secret handshake with the security guard] Hold it, fold it, skim it, crouching tiger, zookeeper's boy, hairdresser on fire, girlfriend in a coma, slap it on a biscuit.

Carlton Lassiter:
[to his intimidating, ex-father-in-law, who is a murder suspect] Alright, Irving, that's enough! Now I loved Victoria, and because she loved you, I let it slide that you're a pain in the ass! But you're at *my* table now, and around here, we call someone like you, a hostile witness, it's a good way to get yourself locked up. I can make your life a living hell, so you'd better give me the respect I deserve, and I suggest you cut the crap! Clear?

Shawn Spencer:
[to Lassiter] Now that I've joined the lodge, that makes your father-in-law my brother. Which makes me your uncle... in-law. It's going to get especially awkward around the holidays.

Shawn Spencer:
You're in good hands with Gus. Nimble, agile hands. Surgeon's hands, really. He once removed a boil from his own thigh using a paper clip and a warm can of Sprite.

Henry Spencer:
This is not the time for your shenanigans.

Shawn Spencer:
It was a single shenanigan. Technically more of a hijink.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[trying to open a safe] It's not happening, Shawn.

[Shawn scans the room, then sees a picture of a beautiful woman close to the safe]

Shawn Spencer:
Try 36-24-36.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Are you serious?

Shawn Spencer:
Just... click it in gentle.

[Gus tries the combination, but the safe stays closed]

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
That was a good idea. Now what?

Shawn Spencer:
Huh... I really thought I nailed that.

[Gus notices the picture, then smirks and giggles]

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shawn, you've really got to work on your estimating skills. 36-24... 38.

[safe opens]

Shawn Spencer:
Dude! You're a safe cracking machine!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I know.

Shawn Spencer:
[having a "vision"] Ooh! I'm getting some serious jive, and it is fly!

Henry Spencer:
I'm a taxpaying, voting citizen, therefore I have a right to speak to *any* elected official, such as the D.A., I please.

Shawn Spencer:
[to Gus] You don't *have* to be a taxpaying, voting citizen, though, do you?

Shawn Spencer:
[to Henry] All right, I need you to hear me, okay? If you insist on staying involved in this case, there are going to be rules. I was hired by the police department, therefore it is my ass on the line and those rules will be made by me. You are no longer a cop. And unless you plan on going back to the academy, and climbing the high wall, and doing the obstacle course where you shoot the bad guys but not the old lady with the sack, or the blind guy with the cane, or the cute little squirrel with the bushy tail and the big fat nut...

[pause]

Shawn Spencer:
It started off well.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
It really fell apart at the end. You should have had a name for the wall or something.

Shawn Spencer:
[to Gus and Henry] We'll have to take my motorcycle. I've always wanted to try threesies. Who wants the handlebars? Gus? Feels like you.

Shawn Spencer:
The "box"? What do you think the "box" is? A giant room, like in "Raiders"?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I think it's a box.

Shawn Spencer:
Or secret catacombs underneath the building, like in "National Treasure"?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shame on you for knowing that.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[undercover in ugly, 1970's-era clothing] I feel ridiculous.

Henry Spencer:
Speak for yourself. I've got this shirt at home.

Shawn Spencer:
All right, how much money do we have between us?

Henry Spencer:
What? Oh, uhhhh... I got - I think I've got about... fifty bucks.

Shawn Spencer:
Um-hmm.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I got about four hundred between my wallet and my sock.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[Shawn and Henry stare at Gus] It's my "just in case" money!

Shawn Spencer:
All right. Add in what I have, and we've got about... four-fifty.

Carlton Lassiter:
[activated a bomb to flush out the bad guy] Spencer, I'd appreciate it in the future if you just played with your own life.

Karen Vick:
[sees the girl with Shawn] I'm sorry, you are?

Shawn Spencer:
Ah, sorry, Chief. I got roped into doing a silly interview with "The Independence". They've been calling and begging for weeks and I finally relented.

Reporter:
But... but you called me.

Henry Spencer:
[wants to see a case folder] You're lucky I'm even asking you, Shawn. I could do this the simple way. I could grab it from you, clean up any evidence of a struggle before you and your little friend here knew what hit ya!

Shawn Spencer:
In some states, that's called child abuse.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I think all of them.

Karen Vick:
It goes without saying, Mr. Spencer, that your father is in no way to participate in this investigation. He's no longer on the force, and his meddling could compromise the case in court. Do I make myself clear?

Shawn Spencer:
Yes, you do, Chief. What isn't clear is why people always say, "It goes without saying", yet still feel compelled to say the thing that was supposed to go without saying. Doesn't that bother you?

Karen Vick:
No! And frankly, I could care less.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Now that's the one that bothers me. Why do people say, "I could care less", when they really mean, "I couldn't care less"?

Karen Vick:
Well, why don't you tell me how to properly say this: if you share any official information about this case with your father or let him anywhere near any new evidence, then the two of you will have to find another police department to work for and I will personally see to it that each of you is charged with obstruction of justice.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You split an infinitive.

Shawn Spencer:
Good catch, Gus.

Karen Vick:
You two realize I carry a gun, right?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
That was perfectly elocuted.

D.A. Assistant:
May I help you?

Shawn Spencer:
Yes. My name is Shawn Spencer, I am the head psychic for the Santa Barbara Police Department. And that is my partner...

Henry Spencer:
[impatiently] Yeah, yeah, that's his partner, Methuselah Honeysuckle, which makes me Old Scratch Johnson.

Juliet O'Hara:
[thought they seized property from diamond smugglers, but the cargo container was filled with wild marmosets instead] All I can remember after that are... are hundreds of those... tiny, razor-sharp claws... and teeth!

Carlton Lassiter:
Lower primate, my ass! I recognize a military formation when I see one.

Buzz McNab:
[Lassiter and O'Hara walk into the police station looking like road-kill] What happened to you guys?

Carlton Lassiter:
The diamond smuggling case that Detective O'Hara wanted to take didn't go quite as planned.

Juliet O'Hara:
That *I* wanted to take! You're the one who insisted on it, Mr. *Head* Detective.

Karen Vick:
[Shawn and Gus are annoying her] You two realize I carry a gun, right?

Shawn Spencer:
[about Henry] It's funny. It's usually me who can't show their face in public.

Shawn Spencer:
[to Henry] Ut-ut-ut. You stand down, Popeye Doyle, I'll handle this.

[O'Hara and Lassiter trick McNab into taking their unwanted case]

Buzz McNab:
Wow! Thanks, guys. This means a lot. The fact that you think so highly of me that...

Carlton Lassiter:
Yeah, yeah, we love you. Get back to work.

Shawn Spencer:
[about Henry] I think we have to convince him that we can't solve this thing without him.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
How do we do that?

Shawn Spencer:
Most likely through the use of trickery.

Henry Spencer:
So what kind of wood are we gonna use for these bookshelves, Gus?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Uhhh... cypress.

Shawn Spencer:
Cypress? Really?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
It's a good wood. It's what Noah's Ark was made of.

Shawn Spencer:
[Gus approaches a suspect's car while carrying a laser level] Ooh! Better hope they're not uneven in there.

Derrick Ford:
You sure your father doesn't want to come inside?

Shawn Spencer:
No. He's clinically insane. And a biter.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Enough! I'm sick of you two fighting all the time. Look, Mr. Spencer, Shawn needs you on the case because, frankly, you're old, and we were barely even alive during the seventies. Shawn, your dad needs you on the case because even though you can be extremely annoying, you actually have a brilliant idea every now and then. But you're both too damn stubborn to admit that you need each other. Now, can we go, please? Thank you.

[Gus gets in the car]

Henry Spencer:
Is it he always such a know-it-all?

Shawn Spencer:
You don't know the half of it. Very preachy.

Carlton Lassiter:
When will people learn that alcohol and hydrochloric acid don't mix?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Technically they do.

Shawn Spencer:
[after revealing that a bomb was built in the lab they're in] That's it. The jive is over. We should go before people explode.

Juliet O'Hara:
We were in a small windowless cabin on the lubber deck.

Carlton Lassiter:
That's apparently a nautical term for "place they send you to puke".

Juliet O'Hara:
Had to wash my hair three times.

Carlton Lassiter:
Sorry about that.

Shawn Spencer:
[having a "vision"] Ooh, I am getting it, and it is a *bad* mother...

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shut your mouth!

Shawn Spencer:
I'm having a vision.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I can dig it.

Shawn Spencer:
[watching Henry try to pantomime a clue] Ooh, it's a... it's a big birthday cake!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Ooh, make a wish... what?

Carlton Lassiter:
Spencer, I'd appreciate in the future if you just played with your own life.

Shawn Spencer:
Oh, come on, Lassie. If Derek hadn't caved, I would have just deactivated it myself. It's very easy. You just clip the red wire and the green wire at the same time.

Juliet O'Hara:
Uh, Shawn? There is no green wire.

Shawn Spencer:
Really? Huh. Well, in that case, we all would have died.

Pawn Shop Owner:
I'll have to go look through the box. [Leaves to get box]

Shawn Spencer:
The box. What do you think the box is? A giant room like in Raiders?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I think it's a box.

Shawn Spencer:
Catacombs underneath the building like in National Treasure?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shame on you for knowing that.

Pawn Shop Owner:
[Returning with box] This is where we keep all the old unclaimed stuff from over the years.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
As I said, a box.

Shawn Spencer:
What do you think's inside the box?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Will you calm down?

Shawn Spencer:
I can't, man, there's stuff in there! All kinds of stuff. Old stuff, shiny stuff, secret stuff! How come you're not as excited as I am?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Because I'm not a racoon.

Shawn Spencer:
You look like a racoon.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[sifting through the evidence archives of the SBPD] Just think. The contents inside these boxes could determine whether someone spens the rest of their life in jail.

Shawn Spencer:
Catch. [tosses a hammer at Gus] Better hope they don't reopen the Handyman Killer case. Fingerprints are all over the murder weapon.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[drops the hammer] That's not funny, Shawn!

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, I'm kidding. It's not really evidence. It was just lying here.

[first lines]

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, do you know they make silent window shades? Some woman in Washington invented them back in the early '90s.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Since when is the sound of opening and closing shades so disruptive that it needs to be alleviated?

Shawn Spencer:
Why do you have to hate on other people's crimes of innovation?

Maudette Hornsby:
Isn't cherry the best?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
The best what?

Maudette Hornsby:
Everything, silly. I thought you were psychic.

Shawn Spencer:
I am. I'm the psychic. But how did you know that?

Maudette Hornsby:
Word travels. You know, we don't get a lot of gossip around here so an untimely death, a psychic and a black man all in one day. Epic.

Donna Gooden:
I'm a woman of science, and law, and accounting. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel.

12 Year-Old Girl:
Hey mister, are you Frederick Douglass?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shawn, we need to get out of here.

Randy Jackson:
Who are you?

Shawn Spencer:
A couple of guys with a passion for the truth.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
And cinnamon.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Was Randy Jackson with you the night Paula died?

Maudette Hornsby:
Why, do you think she was M, U, R, D, E, R, E, D or something?

Shawn Spencer:
M, A, Y, B, E.

Shawn Spencer:
Do you remember the last e-mail, the one with all those weird hieroglyphics?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
They were numbers and letters, Shawn.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
The Great Northern! I'm not familiar with that publication.

Shawn Spencer:
What, You know every small town newspaper in California?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Actually, I do, Shawn.

Shawn Spencer:
Ridgecrest?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
The Daily Independent.

Shawn Spencer:
Shawnopolis?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
That doesn't exist.

Shawn Spencer:
Yet. I just need fifty-thousand signatures, and a large plot of land.

Shawn Spencer:
Well, look up this town, Dual Spires. How could there be a Cinnamon Festival that we've never heard of?

[Gus looks up Dual Spires on a map]

Shawn Spencer:
Zoom in.

[Gus zooms in]

Shawn Spencer:
Zoom in again. Keep zooming...

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I am, Shawn! Dude, this town is so small that it's in parenthesis.

[Shawn and Gus arrive at Doctor Gooden's office where her various specializations are listed - Donna Gooden, M.D., General Practice, Psychiatry, Pediatrics, Optometry, Gastrology, Podiatry, Dermatology, Orthodontics, Forensics, Veterinary Medicine, Esquire]

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Looks like the doctor stays pretty busy.

Shawn Spencer:
Guess you're out of luck if you need a massage

Donna Gooden:
[handing Gus a gown] Put this on and then lay face down on my table.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[while Dr Gooden inspects his mouth with a tongue depressor] Uh, you know ah... ah. Actually, I think...

Donna Gooden:
Snap to it!

Shawn Spencer:
Nice shoes.

Maudette Hornsby:
[smiling] I know.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus was wondering if you would like to be his date to Betty Boop night at the road house.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
They don't have a Betty Boop night in the road house.

Shawn Spencer:
Oh, then they don't have my business anymore, either.

Maudette Hornsby:
Sure you can keep up with me? I like to dance *all* night long.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Father Westley. Thank God you were here, literally.

Shawn Spencer:
We were about to be wicker men. How did you find us?

Father Westley:
I just had faith.

Shawn Spencer:
Really?

Father Westley:
No, boys. I just got to town, and I saw the fire. I saw the tandem bicycle outside. It all added up.

Shawn Spencer:
I know who killed Paula Merral.

Shawn Spencer:
[Talking with mouth full] Mmm, Jules, you gotta order a piece of this pie.

Juliet O'Hara:
[Incredulous] I did. You guys immediately ate it.

Juliet O'Hara:
We came up here because chief wanted us to get a positive I.D. on Paula Merall's body.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
To see if it matched the one found in Santa Barbara?

Carlton Lassiter:
No, see that's the thing. We never recovered her body. Which didn't sit well with me. The inlet where she supposedly drowned has no current, which means her body should have floated up between 2.3 and 3.1 days. Oh, I know this because waiting for corpses to resurface is a passion of my life.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
These books are archaic

Shawn Spencer:
And very old

Karen Vick:
Who gave you access to the file room?

Shawn Spencer:
Irrelevant! And, immaterial.

Carlton Lassiter:
Chief, you're not going to let him do that thing where he only uses courtroom jargon, are you?

Karen Vick:
Mr. Spencer...

Shawn Spencer:
He's making a mockery of these proceedings! All I'm saying is that she's making a very compelling argument.

Morgan Conrad:
You're an idiot.

Shawn Spencer:
That's less compelling. Move to strike.

Morgan Conrad:
Please remove him.

Carlton Lassiter:
Gladly.

Shawn Spencer:
Sidebar, Ms. Conrad.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
And they don't even have a dalmatian here, Shawn.

Shawn Spencer:
Would you stop with the dalmatians already?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I'm just saying. It would be nice to see one in its natural habitat.

Shawn Spencer:
They're not indigenous to firehouses, Gus.

Henry Spencer:
Can you even name a famous fireman?

Young Shawn:
...Smokey the Bear?

Henry Spencer:
First of all, Smokey the Bear is not a fireman. Number two, he's not real. Number three, HE'S A BEAR! He takes his poops in the woods, is that what you want?

Shawn Spencer:
I like soup. I won't apologize for it.

Henry Spencer:
I warned you Shawn, fire fighters are trouble. I did everything in my power to keep you off of the pole!

Shawn Spencer:
And you succeeded dad... in every conceivable way.

Morgan Conrad:
Are you sure?

Shawn Spencer:
I'm Al B. Sure watching Diane Sure apply Sure roll-on.

Morgan Conrad:
That's pretty sure.

Shawn Spencer:
That's all day sure.

Carlton Lassiter:
I want our killer...

Shawn Spencer:
Arsassin! Or karsonist?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Arsassin.

Shawn Spencer:
Can I just say what I... what I came here to say, please?

[Juliet sighs, turns to face Shawn]

Shawn Spencer:
I have a motorcycle.

Juliet O'Hara:
[frowns] Yes. You do.

Shawn Spencer:
Yes, I do. And you know what? It is... it is the purest form of freedom that I have ever experienced. You zip through traffic, park anywhere, you never have to take anyone to the airport, you certainly don't have to help anyone move. Easily the best purchase I've ever made in my life, and I have never regretted it, not for one second.

Juliet O'Hara:
Great. You love your motorcycle. Is there a point to this?

Shawn Spencer:
Yeah, there's a point. The point is, since I met you, I... I've been thinking about getting a car.

[pause]

Juliet O'Hara:
[smiles] And you're not thinking something... practical or... sensible...

Shawn Spencer:
Oh, God, no. I'm not throwing in the towel altogether.

[they kiss]

Shawn Spencer:
[sees Lassiter's haircut] Lassie!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Wow.

Shawn Spencer:
Is your hair starting its own cult?

Karen Vick:
Trying to do a performance review here, Mr. Spencer. I thank you not to bother us.

Shawn Spencer:
Seems like a strange thing to thank me for, but you're welcome, of course.

Shawn Spencer:
[describing his "psychic powers"] You've seen "The Mentalist", right?

Corporal Robert Mackintosh:
Yes!

Shawn Spencer:
It's like that.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Except that guy's a fake.

Shawn Spencer:
Right. If I was a fake psychic, it would be eerily similar.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Exactly the same.

Shawn Spencer:
A virtual carbon copy.

Carlton Lassiter:
[on the phone] Are you in my apartment?

Shawn Spencer:
Please! I haven't snuck into your apartment in weeks. Which reminds me, we're all out of peanut butter.

Shawn Spencer:
Get your socks ready, Gus, cause I'm about to knock them off.

Carlton Lassiter:
Can you believe that? A high-ranking member of U.S. law enforcement not being allowed to carry his weapon on him!

Juliet O'Hara:
Did you really think it wouldn't set off the metal detector?

Carlton Lassiter:
I've got to get my hands on a gun, O'Hara. I have enemies everywhere. Maybe I can pick one up at the hotel.

Juliet O'Hara:
Oh, absolutely, right downstairs in the gift shop. They have Kleenex, mixed nuts, and 9-millimeter Lugers.

Shawn Spencer:
Hi, Jules. You look... normal and stuff...

[beat]

Shawn Spencer:
I got nothing.

Shawn Spencer:
[having a "vision"] I see a man... net. I see the painter... John Manet.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Edouard.

Shawn Spencer:
Where in town might one find a...

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Edouard Manet?

Shawn Spencer:
What he said.

Shawn Spencer:
[talking his way into Despereaux's hotel room] I'm so sorry about this. It's my assistant makes all the reservations. She's been under heavy medication. She was recently diagnosed with Parvo.

Hotel Clerk:
Well, isn't that a dog's disease?

Shawn Spencer:
Yes. Yes, it is. My assistant is a golden retriever. Adorable, but dim. Her whole keyboard is just three big buttons. She has very large paws. Ah!

[takes his key]

Shawn Spencer:
Should have fired her years ago, but she's a rescue and I just didn't have the heart.

Shawn Spencer:
[on the phone] Gus! Guess where I am right now? I'm in Despereaux's room right now!... No, I'm not kidding... Yeah, I'm going to rifle through all of his stuff and then I'm totally going to pull a John Turturro from "Miller's Crossing". And then, we'll get some sundaes. I'm just going to sit here quietly, wait for him to get back, and then I'm going to click on the lamp and scare the gingersnaps out of him, *whaaaaaat*?... No, I don't remember how that movie ends. Why?

[Lights turn on; Shawn sees Despereaux sitting across from him]

Shawn Spencer:
[on the phone] That's a... That's a negativo on the sundaes, buddy. I repeat, negative on the sundaes.

Shawn Spencer:
[to Mackintosh] I have a shot at redemption for you. For recognition. But it's going to be dangerous, and we're going to need Gus. Are you in? Wait, before you answer that... are you a fan of solving crimes?

Shawn Spencer:
Man, I thought you were so cool. But you're just here to look the part. This whole time, I'm thinking, "This guy is Thomas Crown!" You're barely Remington Steele. Which makes me, what, Laura Holt? You think a guy like me wants to be Stephanie Zimbalist?

[pause]

Shawn Spencer:
Maybe.

Carlton Lassiter:
Hello, Despereaux! Bet you're not too happy to see me right about now, are you?

Pierre Despereaux:
I have absolutely no idea who you are.

Shawn Spencer:
But I have a point. It's this: I refuse to feel uncomfortable around you. It's silly. You mean too much to me. And... and I am perfectly capable of keeping this platonic as long as you are.

Juliet O'Hara:
Oh, please! I can.

Shawn Spencer:
I can, too.

Juliet O'Hara:
Great.

[Juliet walks away]

Shawn Spencer:
[to himself] But *how*?

Juliet O'Hara:
So Abigail's into opera, huh?

Shawn Spencer:
No, not really. Just robust Italian men. I didn't even know he sang, actually.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shawn, I gotta pee.

Shawn Spencer:
I thought I told you to go back at the hotel.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I couldn't, I got freaked out. There were rose petals everywhere... even on the toilet. Why would they do that? It's weird!

Shawn Spencer:
It's not weird. It's wonderful.

Shawn Spencer:
[scolding Jules like he would Gus] Jules, don't be Canada.

Carlton Lassiter:
Gus, you gotta grow up. People have sex and they kill each other. That's the real world, not some magical feelings place.

Shawn Spencer:
[to his dad] What's that, Officer Dad?

Shawn Spencer:
You gotta give it to the Japanese. And not just because they invented the Chinese.

Shawn Spencer:
...in your professional opinion, how do I die?

Coroner Woody Strode:
Murder... execution, we never find your head.' [Gus lifts his hand and the Corner looks at him and says] 'You slip in the tub.

Shawn Spencer:
How come you're allowed to say 'bingo' and I'm not?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Same reason why you're not allowed to say 'true that.'

Shawn Spencer:
[awkwardly] True that.

Shawn Spencer:
[to Gus] Hey, if I'm gonna die you better be right behind me or I will haunt your kitchen cabinets til the day you die!

Shawn Spencer:
[to Lassiter] Tell my dad I kinda took matters into my own hands.

Craig:
Now let us go forth and kick much ass Craig 1:1.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[to Craig] Man, I'm really sorry

Carlton Lassiter:
I'm not! There is no excuse for letting those men get the jump on you and putting those civilians at risk. At the very least, you should be bleeding to death from a bullet wound taken while trying to stop their escape.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Come on Lassiter, there's no reason to kick a man when he's already down.

Carlton Lassiter:
That's exactly when a man should be kicked because that's the only way he learns. The nuns taught me that.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shawn, this is Dan Carter and his brother Carl.

D.C.:
Hola, Shawn. You can call me D.C.

C.C.:
And me C.C.

Shawn Spencer:
No, ho. Ha, ha. Well, that's cute. In order to reduce carbon emissions you guys ask people not to use your first names.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shawn! You have to forgive my friend Shawn. He's not very environmentally conscious.

D.C.:
It's OK, Gus. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

Shawn Spencer:
Before you go black Al Gore on me, you should know that your seasickness patch fell off.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Ok, first of all, black Al Gore was your Halloween costume, not mine, and secondly, my seasick patch is right here...

Shawn Spencer:
Here we go. Let's get you to a bathroom.

Henry Spencer:
This is Henry Spencer.

Shawn Spencer:
Dad, listen up and listen carefully. Gus and I are on a ferry for some ridiculous environmental cleanup.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Do not editorialize, Shawn.

Henry Spencer:
Shawn, the worst thing you can do in these situations is take matters into your own hands.

Shawn Spencer:
Got it. We're gonna have to take matters into our own hands.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Are you sure that's what your dad said?

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, don't be the one game at Chuck E. Cheese that isn't broken. By the time the cops arrive, these prisoners will be half-way from here to the Pacific Ocean.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Half-way from here to the Pacific Ocean IS the Pacific Ocean.

Craig:
Hey, look man, I owe you an apology for the way I treated you back there. I just assumed y'all was just a couple of punk-ass friends from grade school that liked to get theyself in different situations and then riff on things at other people's expense, you know?

Shawn Spencer:
Pish, no.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Pish, no.

Shawn Spencer:
Couldn't be further from the truth.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
That's the wrong truth.

D.C.:
Then right after that we spent two months in the Amazon rain forest.

C.C.:
Amazon. Rain forest.

D.C.:
True, dat... We were teaching the natives how to compost.

C.C.:
In hindsight, I think all they really wanted was food.

D.C.:
Why do you say that, Carl?

C.C.:
Well, they were hungry.

Shawn Spencer:
Why don't you let the women and children and men go?

Sanders:
Why don't you shut up?

Shawn Spencer:
All right.

Sanders:
Go!

C.C.:
Oh, please, come on, man!

Sanders:
Shut up!

D.C.:
I voted for Obama!

Sanders:
Shut up!

D.C.:
Come on! Just take Carl!

Sanders:
Go, go, go!

D.C.:
We're environmentalists!

Shawn Spencer:
All right. What happened?

Craig:
I-I don't know. Shoot! One minute, I'm checking the stalls after they finished. Next thing I know, got a knot on my head, waking up in this-this closet.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Dude, where's your gun?

Craig:
Oh, they probably turned it in for some books at the local community center. Where you think it's at, man?

[in front of a caged mountain lion]

Shawn Spencer:
[deep voice] Simba, I am your father.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I don't think Mufasa said that.

Shawn Spencer:
Eh, Mufasa, Vader, "I'm Not Rappaport"... it's all James Earl Jones.

Shawn Spencer:
[about the mountain lion] Relax. I love cats, and it's been proven that cats love me.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Well, *this* cat loves to eat people.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
What are you doing? We don't know anything about delivering warthog babies.

Shawn Spencer:
Ah, babies are babies. You just have to pull them out at the right time. The real question is, are you allergic to placenta? [cut to Gus running from an enclosure]

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
My eyes! My eyes! [vomits in a nearby trash can]

Shawn Spencer:
Captain Connors, how are you sir?

Brett Connors:
Look at you fellas, all grown up. How long's it been?

Shawn Spencer:
About a day.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Less, actually.

Shawn Spencer:
[pretending to read Trish's lips] I can't fight it any longer, Father. I love Shawn. I am in love with Shawn.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[pretending to read Cpt. Connors' lips] Stop pretending to be insane, Daughter.

Shawn Spencer:
"Daughter"? He calls her "Daughter"?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You know you belong with Gus. He's smarter and funnier. Plus he has abs like Bruce Lee.

Shawn Spencer:
Ok, if we're gonna play the lip reading game we have to say things that are at least believable.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I am.

Shawn Spencer:
Abs like Bruce Lee?

Carlton Lassiter:
[to picture of a murder victim that Shawn's claiming is explaining two murders to him] What about the mountain lions? Explain that if you're so smart.

Shawn Spencer:
Lassie, why are you asking him?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shawn, in case you're confused, "closed" means "go away, stay out".

Shawn Spencer:
Yes, in the negative language dictionary, which is clearly the only edition you own. But in the positive language edition, "closed" means "Come in, step over the chain. There's so many less people to trample all over what you're looking for!"

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You really think you could track the animal?

Shawn Spencer:
Perhaps you've forgotten about my extensive experience with the Native Americans, a proud and solvent people.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Working at the Flaming Tomahawk?

Shawn Spencer:
So you do remember.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shawn, you were a greeter. In the casino. For a week.

Shawn Spencer:
And the only non-Native American to be awarded an eagle feather. Always remember that, Gus.

Shawn Spencer:
Did we ever kiss?

Trish Connors:
No.

Shawn Spencer:
I'm sorry. That image may have very well been coming from the not-too-distant future.

[Shawn and Gus are trying to sneak into the Crocker party]

Edna Crocker:
Excuse me, where are your badges?

Shawn Spencer:
Oh, I don't need a badge. I'm the event planner.

Edna Crocker:
The event planner's a woman.

Shawn Spencer:
Yeah, I'm her assistant...

Edna Crocker:
Also a woman.

Shawn Spencer:
...to the assistant.

Edna Crocker:
I'm calling security.

Shawn Spencer:
Oh, no, no, no! You don't need to do that.

Edna Crocker:
Don't tell me what I need to do. The rules are very strict here.

Shawn Spencer:
Really, you're going to let your bosses run you around like that? Going to let the man hold you down? These freak bastards with their rules and regulations... You're a human person. You need to rise up and tell them to go to hell! We can all do it together. Let us empower you.

Edna Crocker:
I'm Edna Crocker...and you're one minute away from a squad car ride.

[beat]

Shawn Spencer:
[to Gus] Probably ought to let this one go.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Yeah.

Shawn Spencer:
The Jackal has arrived.

[Shawn is undercover, leading a show at the planetarium]

Shawn Spencer:
Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I will be your narrator. My name is Aurora Borealis. There are over four... hundred stars in our galaxy, maybe more. No one knows for sure. Many have said that the universe is even larger than the Indian Ocean, and that is why it is called Infinitum Starioctopusium.

[constellations light up]

Shawn Spencer:
Ah yes, our glorious constellations. There they all are, take a look. Over here, we have one with a guy holding some sort of... thing. Over here, our beloved Olympic rings, all seven of them. And here, here's one with a fish.

Vernon Stallings:
[whispering] You gotta name them.

Shawn Spencer:
Notice straight, straight above you, the Hammer of Jeff. And over there to the south...

Vernon Stallings:
[whispering] North.

Shawn Spencer:
...north, you will see Monkey With Rash. The Egyptians used to set their clocks by it. Oh, look, there goes an asteroid!

Vernon Stallings:
[whispering] Comet.

Shawn Spencer:
Comet! It's what they named that cleaning solution after. I know it may stink when you leave it in the sink, but boy oh boy, does it clean.

Amanda:
I signed up for a painting class today.

Shawn Spencer:
You know, they make the kind of paint you can eat now.

Shawn Spencer:
Is there a reason you're standing so close to me?

Vernon Stallings:
Just looking.

Shawn Spencer:
Yeah, well, that's the great thing about looking - you can do it from far, far away.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You have one job. I have two jobs, Shawn. I have presentations to memorize on three new drugs, and while you were out drinking last night and taking on free cases, I was up half the night dreaming about whether the gel caps are more effective than the tablets.

Shawn Spencer:
First of all, tablets, always tablets. That's a given. Secondly, I've been having this recurring dream where I'm flying over Auckland on the back of a swan made primarily of cocoa. His name is Clem.

[beat]

Shawn Spencer:
But your dream was pretty interesting, too.

Shawn Spencer:
True as toast!

Mary Vallery:
Your name is Lassiter, too?

Shawn Spencer:
Yes, that's correct. Carlton Lassiter.

Mary Vallery:
But you're not affiliated with a Detective Carlton Lassiter who I met before.

Shawn Spencer:
Not in any way, shape, or form. Different departments. Matter of fact, I spell mine with a K. Two of them.

Juliet O'Hara:
"Carlton"?

Shawn Spencer:
Yes, Carlton. With a K.

Mary Vallery:
Two K's.

Shawn Spencer:
The second one is silent.

Mary Vallery:
Oh.

[pause]

Juliet O'Hara:
Can I talk to you for a second in *your* office, Kuh-Karlton?

[Jessica looks at her watch, then at the planetarium]

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Is something wrong?

Jessica:
They've been in there forty-five minutes.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
So?

Jessica:
It's a four minute show.

[Shawn leaves the planetarium, the audience staggering out behind him]

Shawn Spencer:
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is precisely why time travel is not only possible but may have already happened.

Carlton Lassiter:
Can I tell you a secret?

Shawn Spencer:
I wouldn't recommend it, no.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You heard about Pluto? That's messed up, right?

Carlton Lassiter:
Listen. There's something I've got to get off my chest.

Shawn Spencer:
Is it your shirt? Please say no!

Shawn Spencer:
[trying to console a drunken and depressed Lassiter] You're a striking man with strong features, eyes that women wanna do cannonballs into, you have great posture and penmanship the likes I've never seen.

Shawn Spencer:
That, quite honestly, is some of the best nut-shelling I've ever heard.

Shawn Spencer:
I've been having this recurring dream where I'm flying over Auckland on the back of a swan made primarily of cocoa. His name is Clem.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Get ready to get lost in my dust!

Shawn Spencer:
Okay, dust? What, are you off-roading?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I'm going to be un-catchable, like a jackal!

Shawn Spencer:
Like a jackal? How about I just tail you to the observatory.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Consider me stealth, Shawn! [moves his head back and forth]

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, that's weird. It's like you're a bobblehead.

Shawn Spencer:
Tomorrow they're training me on the motion simulator. Tell me you've never wanted to take a ride on one of those things buck naked!

Vernon Stallings:
[upon finding Shawn and Gus breaking into the room] That's not right.

Shawn Spencer:
What?... I'm sorry, I just I... I left my pogo stick in there, and I...

Vernon Stallings:
No, if you want the lock to disengage you've got to go up. Here, let me do it.

Shawn Spencer:
Not now. 5 o'clock.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Why 5?

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, I have a job here. I can't just leave willy-nilly

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
What are you doing, Shawn?

Shawn Spencer:
What are WE doing? Dude, we're undercover.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
We are not undercover!

Shawn Spencer:
Sure, we are. I'm the employee and you are the customer.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I *am* the customer.

Shawn Spencer:
See, you're already in character, like Don Cheadle.

Hugo:
You work here?

Shawn Spencer:
No, I just happen to own my own space suit.

Hugo:
A smart-ass. I like that.

Juliet O'Hara:
Okay, what are you doing reopening the Vallery Case?

Shawn Spencer:
Oh, come on, reopening? That word has so many syllables.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[Shawn is trying to open a door] You're gonna break that.

Shawn Spencer:
[pulls as hard as he can, frustrated] I don't think so!

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, you know what this means?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
It's murder.

Shawn Spencer:
No, it's motive.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Same thing. Motive, murder, it's the same thing.

Shawn Spencer:
Motive is the *reason* for doing murder.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
It's in the same family, Shawn!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[Shawn is dressed as an employee of the Planeterium] What are you doing, Shawn?

Shawn Spencer:
What are *we* doing. Dude, we're undercover.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
We are not undercover.

Shawn Spencer:
Sure we are. I'm the employee, you're the costumer.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I *am* the costumer.

Shawn Spencer:
See? You're already in character, like Don Cheadle.

Shawn Spencer:
Look, there's this creepy janitor that lurks about. I want you to distract him while I grill Planetarium Girl.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You are not grilling Jessica. She's just interning here until she gets her college units.

Shawn Spencer:
Jessica?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Yeah.

Shawn Spencer:
How do you know her name is Je... Oh, Gus!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
What?

Shawn Spencer:
You haven't been coming here on Thursdays to study the stars. You've been coming here for her!

Shawn Spencer:
[about Jessica] You love her.

Shawn Spencer:
Shut up, Shawn.

Shawn Spencer:
You're *in* love with her.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shut up, Shawn!

Shawn Spencer:
I'm gonna go fix you guys up.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
No, Shawn!

Shawn Spencer:
She is my co-worker, and I have the inside track.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
So... The prophecy has been fulfilled.

Shawn Spencer:
Hmm. What? What are you talking about? What prophecy?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Nothing. I just figured it was finally my chance to say something dramatic

Shawn Spencer:
Ooh, I suddenly have the urge to get my bunions buffed.

Landlord:
[Gus is lying on the floor pretending to be dead] What the hell's going on?

Shawn Spencer:
Nothing, man.

Landlord:
Nothing? Is that guy dead?

Shawn Spencer:
[sighs] Damn it. Now you've seen too much.

Landlord:
Uh, I didn't see anything.

Shawn Spencer:
Yeah, ya did. You're in this just as deep as I am now. We're going to have to work together.

Landlord:
[nervous] Okay.

Shawn Spencer:
I assume this building has an incinerator, yeah?

Landlord:
Yeah.

Shawn Spencer:
'Kay. We just have to chop up the body. Then we put the limbs in little plastic baggies and the torso we're going to have to melt down with a blow torch. [Landlord looks sick]

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[getting up] Okay, I've heard enough.

Landlord:
[terrified at seeing Gus alive] Oh! [runs from the room]

[Shawn finds Henry and Lassiter having lunch together]

Henry Spencer:
Shawn! What are you doing here?

Shawn Spencer:
I don't know. I guess I took a wrong turn and ended up in the Twilight Zone.

Eve:
[about Deanna's boyfriend] Her father totally freaked when he found out, and he told her to end it. Then she tried to be all rebellious and storm off the court.

Shawn Spencer:
Eww! How grody of her.

Eve:
Grody?

Shawn Spencer:
Grody to the max. Grody with a spoon. Come on, work with me, I don't know what the kids are saying these days.

Shawn Spencer:
She clearly has someone Daddy doesn't approve of. We find the mystery lover... we find her.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Dude... why don't I ever get to say stuff like that?

Shawn Spencer:
What happened here?

Juliet O'Hara:
This isn't a missing persons case anymore. It's attempted murder.

[Juliet walks away]

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Even *she* gets to say stuff like that!

Shawn Spencer:
Ah, yes... Jessica Chan. And how long was eternity for the two of you?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Three months. But they were awesome months. Except for the end part.

Shawn Spencer:
Right. I'd never seen a girl lie about entering the Witness Protection Program.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
She wasn't lying, Shawn.

Shawn Spencer:
Gus, I saw her at Starbucks.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
You can't be sure of that.

Shawn Spencer:
She was wearing a nametag. She had a plaque on the wall, Employee of the Month. Her hobbies were hiding and lying about hiding.

Tom:
Hey, aren't you Henry Spencer's kid?

Shawn Spencer:
That I am.

Tom:
I took a six-week course he taught at the Academy.

Shawn Spencer:
Lucky you. How was he?

[beat]

Tom:
Uh...

Shawn Spencer:
Yeah, that just about sums it up.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Wait a second! This is my 'Airwolf' windbreaker. I've been looking for this for like five years now. Why did you take this? I never even saw you wear it!

Shawn Spencer:
Of course I didn't wear it. I took it so you wouldn't. Don't put it on! Gus, nobody had an 'Airwolf' jacket except Jan-Michael Vincent!

Carlton Lassiter:
Scratch that. I'm gonna let you guys stick around and see what real detecitves do.

Shawn Spencer:
Sweet. Just let us know when they get here.

Henry Spencer:
Shawn never really was one for roughing it. We went camping once. Found him curled up in his sleeping bag because a raccoon was hunting him.

Shawn Spencer:
Stalking me. The raccoon was stalking me, Dad.

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, I need you to lay on the ground - pretend to be Deanna.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I'm not pretending to be a woman half- beaten to death, Shawn.

Shawn Spencer:
You know what, I'm starting to wonder if you have serious trust issues with me.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Really?

Shawn Spencer:
Yes. First you wouldn't do the mine field with me, now you won't lay on the floor and pretend to be an unconscious woman - for me. What's going on with you?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Mmmm...... two words: Airwolf windbreaker.

Shawn Spencer:
Alright. Two more: AIRWOLF WINDBREAKER.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Battleship.

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, that was like a million years ago.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
He wants to meet my grandmother.

Shawn Spencer:
So?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
So, you know one of them is dead and the other one lives in Jamaica.

Shawn Spencer:
Dude, relax! I know, like, five people that could easily play your grandmother.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Okay, so you know a line-dancing octogenarian who can do chin-ups and has two broken hips?

Shawn Spencer:
Yeah, as long as she can be Chinese.

Shawn Spencer:
I'm a psychic. I can't lie.

Carlton Lassiter:
[on his first meeting with Madeleine] I answered every question in character as Tom "Gunny" Highway.

Juliet O'Hara:
Who is Tom "Gunny" Highway?

Carlton Lassiter:
Clint Eastwood's character in "Heartbreak Ridge".

Shawn Spencer:
Who needs forty-eight thousand dollars to live?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I *need* thirty-two. The other sixteen generally goes to you.

Shawn Spencer:
Don't be ridiculous.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I claimed you on my taxes, Shawn!

[in 1995 after Henry has arrested him]

Shawn Spencer:
I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask for that "World's Greatest Dad" mug back.

[in 1995 after Henry opens the door to the stolen car Shawn and his girlfriend are in]

Shawn Spencer:
Whoops.

Henry Spencer:
Whoops?

Shawn's Girlfriend:
It's my neighbor's car. We were gonna put it back. It was just a dare.

Shawn Spencer:
Is there a problem here, officer?

Henry Spencer:
You wanted my attention, Shawn. You got it, buddy.

Shawn's Girlfriend:
Wait. You guys know each other?

Henry Spencer:
Yeah, he's sorta my dad.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[about Ogletree] He's the new regional sales manager, my immediate boss, and a tyrant. They call him the Little Pinochet.

Shawn Spencer:
That's too abstract. Why don't they just call him Jerk Pants or Suck McJones?

Karen Vick:
It has come to my attention, Detective, that you've discharged your weapons in the last four cases you've worked.

Carlton Lassiter:
Thank you.

Karen Vick:
That wasn't a compliment.

Carlton Lassiter:
I'm just trying to keep the streets safe, Chief.

Karen Vick:
The last incident was at a cat show.

Carlton Lassiter:
Well, let me just go on record as saying that I would never shoot a cat.

Karen Vick:
I guess I could find some solace in that.

Carlton Lassiter:
Unless it was approaching in a threatening manner... or refused to stop upon my command. I would probably just fire a warning shot to make my point, but that's really a field decision. I can't commit to it at this juncture.

Carlton Lassiter:
First question: where's the bug?

Madeleine:
The what?

Carlton Lassiter:
The bug.

[feels under the coffee table]

Carlton Lassiter:
Nothing new in this area. It must be concealed on your person.

Madeleine:
I honestly don't have anything on me.

Carlton Lassiter:
Then you wouldn't be opposed to me patting you down.

Madeleine:
Actually, I'm very opposed to that.

Carlton Lassiter:
Would you be willing to submit to a polygraph?

[Shawn and Gus are startled by Haversham's barking dog]

Shawn Spencer:
That dog is kind of an A-hole.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
It sees something.

Shawn Spencer:
Yeah, urine stains on my pants.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Mr. Haversham, we got here early.

Shawn Spencer:
Hadewych let us in. We love her, and we'd like one of our own.

Shawn Spencer:
[to Hadewych] I'm Shawn Spencer. It's me... and my partner, Lemongrass Gogolobe.

Henry Spencer:
You want me to give you a hand, hon?

Madeleine:
Did you just call me "honey"?

Henry Spencer:
[quickly] I did not. I was going to say... hunchback.

Shawn Spencer:
[sizing up Henry] The aftershave. The pumiced scalp. The suit.

Henry Spencer:
I can wear a suit!

Shawn Spencer:
Which one of the Three Tenors did you borrow it from? Not the dead one, I hope.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[forcibly removing Shawn from his office] Don't you dare go boneless on me, Shawn!

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
How did you get inside the house?

Shawn Spencer:
Hadewych, housekeeper. She was leaving, so she let me in. Tiny little dollop of a woman. Dutch-Indonesian. Enormous forearms. She made me a pannekoek. It's like a pancake, but it is the size of a manhole cover.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
What the hell are you doing here?

Shawn Spencer:
I should ask you the same question.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I work here!

Shawn Spencer:
Okay, I should ask you a different question.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[on his work at Psych] This is just something I do on the side. A hobby, really, like collecting thimbles or, um... raising carrier pigeons.

Frankjim Ogletree:
You raise carrier pigeons?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
No, not at all. That's totally lame. I just said that because I was flustered.

Frankjim Ogletree:
I raise carrier pigeons.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I'm glad you said that. Because I was afraid to tell you how cool I thought carrier pigeons are. Flying around and carrying stuff, coming back... awesome!

Paul Habershire:
What's your game?

Shawn Spencer:
I have two games: Red Rover and lawn darts. Unfortunately, it takes four for even the most rudimentary game of Rover and they don't make lawn dart anymore, too dangerous, but that's not why I'm here.

Shawn Spencer:
Well, if you remember, I'm holding a bit of a grudge against this particular banking institution.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Why, because they turned you down for a small business loan last year?

Shawn Spencer:
Yes, because they turned me down for a small business loan! That was completely legitimate, Gus.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shawn, it was for a zip-line pulley system to transport snacks from the kitchen to your desk.

Shawn Spencer:
Or the reception area. What's your point?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Part of running a business together, Shawn, is sharing in the responsibilites of the "business" side of the business...like making deposits.

Shawn Spencer:
What about the "bidness" side? Cause I'm more of a "bidness" man. Who's covering that?

Shawn Spencer:
[watching Luntz's overly theatrical entrance] And...cut! Great, dripping with swagger. Let's go again, though, and maybe ease up on the cocksure smile just a bit. I liked it, I'm just not sure it's going to play in the Midwest.

Shawn Spencer:
Chief, Elder Commanding Officer Luntz, you need to let me get involved here. You need to let me scope things out.

Karen Vick:
Absolutely not. You're not a trained tactical officer, Spencer.

Commander Cameron Lutz:
Are we positive he's even house trained?

Shawn Spencer:
[pretends to laugh] Okay, all right. Maybe you and I got off on the wrong foot. And you know what? You're right. I have had a few close calls around the house recently. But I can help you.

Juliet O'Hara:
Why didn't you go in the bank?

Shawn Spencer:
We came here to make a deposit. That's not really a two-man job. What, we both should have grabbed a corner of the check and gingerly walked it in together?

Shawn Spencer:
You know I'm not a regular person, right, Phil?

Phil Stubbins:
What does that mean?

Shawn Spencer:
I tried once and failed. I'm just too unique and interesting. The French call it "du fromage", which, loosely translated, means "of cheese".

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Oh, and Shawn...I just want you to know that no matter what happens, I care about you, and I appreciate you, and, well...I love you, Shawn.

[Gus hugs Shawn]

Shawn Spencer:
Okay, buddy. I hear you. You know I'm going to be back in, like, half an hour, right? Wow...that is a tight hug.

Carlton Lassiter:
I am breaking about fifty codes of police procedure just by talking to you about this.

Shawn Spencer:
Aargh! Code! That is your biggest problem!

Carlton Lassiter:
Oh, it's my problem?

Shawn Spencer:
Just once, can you grab life by the little Lassiters and follow your instincts? I know you don't like my methods. I know you don't like *me*. But we are pressed for time, and I'm telling you, I am vibing like crazy! Can we screw protocol and get the hell out of here?

[pause]

Carlton Lassiter:
You take shotgun.

Shawn Spencer:
You are so sexy right now!

Shawn Spencer:
All right, Jules, give me one good reason why you find this guy attractive.

Juliet O'Hara:
Shawn...

Shawn Spencer:
You can't give me one?

Juliet O'Hara:
I can think of many!

Shawn Spencer:
Is one of them that you're looking forward to giving him sponge baths in the near future?

Juliet O'Hara:
I happen to find his age and his maturity appealing. He is distinguished and virile and, most importantly, he knows who he is, and *that* is attractive.

Carlton Lassiter:
[amused] You two know I'm in the van, right?

[Shawn had just called Lassiter "partner"]

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
"Partner"? Uh, excuse me, what was that about?

Shawn Spencer:
Well, you got to admit, it's better than a little boy cat...or a little girl cat.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Not appreciated, Shawn.

Shawn Spencer:
[to Gresling] Do you recall rejecting a small business loan for a zip-line snack transportation system, calling it, and I quote, "fiscally irresponsible"?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Shawn...

Nathaniel Gresling:
Yes, I do.

Shawn Spencer:
Well, Mr. Nathanial Gresling, this little task of retrieving the Mini Oreos took me fourteen seconds. Zip-line? Whoosh! Five. Fiscally irresponsible? Nay, I call that my fiscal obligation to my shareholders, namely Gus here.

[Shawn tackles Phil to save him from a sniper's bullet]

Shawn Spencer:
Free hugs. Who's next?

Shawn Spencer:
Go ahead. Slap me in the face, tell me they call you Mister Tibbs.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I'm not doing that.

Shawn Spencer:
Come on. It'll make you feel better.

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
[clears his throat] They call me *Mister*...

[beat]

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
I'm not doing that.

Shawn Spencer:
You were one word away!

Shawn Spencer:
Buzz McNab! Christmas spirits told me to give this to you.

[Shawn gives Buzz a BB gun]

McNab:
Oh my goodness, a Daisy Red Ryder! I had one of these when I was a kid. It was the reason I wanted to become a policeman.

Shawn Spencer:
Well, Merry Christmas from me and Gus.

McNab:
Thanks, guys.

[Buzz walks away, cradling the gun]

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
He's going to shoot his eye out.

Shawn Spencer:
Yes, he is.

Shawn Spencer:
Lassie!

[Shawn gives Lassiter a "Psych" snowglobe]

Carlton Lassiter:
[uneasily] I... I hate snowglobes.

Shawn Spencer:
Well, that's funny. My psychic senses told me specifically that snowglobes *didn't* give you nightmares about being trapped in a clear ball with snow that burns your skin off.

Shawn Spencer:
[to Juliet] Mr. Mittens said it felt just like going to sleep and he doesn't hold it against you at all. Kitty heaven? It's just like East Beach.

[Shawn and Henry are exchanging gifts]

Henry Spencer:
Go on, shake it, rattle it, feel it, sniff it, do whatever the hell you want with it before it goes in that stocking. Then you've got one week to figure out what it is.

Shawn Spencer:
Dad... this ridiculous competition means way more to you than it does to me.

Henry Spencer:
That's why you haven't won since you were eight years old.

Shawn Spencer:
Christmas '92 was a draw, you know that!

[Lassiter is making Christmas crafts with Juliet's young nephews]

Carlton Lassiter:
All right, fellas, what do we got here? You know, Drake... technically, Jesus was born around April, so we need to get rid of this winter foliage. Oh, and Finn, the word "manger" actually refers to the wooden feeding trough that the animals used, so let's put baby Jesus in this little shot glass.

Juliet O'Hara:
Uh... Carlton?

Carlton Lassiter:
You know, based on how far they had to travel, all the experts agree that the Wise Men didn't really get there until Jesus was two, so let's get rid of them.

Juliet O'Hara:
Uh... uh, Carlton? Remember, this is for the *children*?

Carlton Lassiter:
Right. Let's do one with Santa in it. Hand me Kris Kringle there, guys.

Juliet O'Hara:
That's a great idea!

Carlton Lassiter:
You know, interestingly enough, the Dutch version of Santa used slaves to deliver the toys.

Henry Spencer:
As a rule, you never want to get involved in a case where personal relationships are involved.

Shawn Spencer:
Dad, I think I can handle it.

Henry Spencer:
What if Gus's dad is guilty?

Shawn Spencer:
Are you out of your mind? How could you even say that?

Henry Spencer:
See, right there, that's what I mean. Right there, Shawn. You've already made your decision irrespective of the facts. You have already compromised this case.

Shawn Spencer:
Compromised *why*? Because I'm not afraid of my own emotional attachments? I'll have you know I view that as a tool in my problem solving, not a liability.

Henry Spencer:
With that kind of lame-ass thinking, I can see why you were never a detective.

Shawn Spencer:
And I can see why you ended up a divorced detective!

[pause]

Shawn Spencer:
[checks his watch] My God... we went almost three hours without having an argument.

Henry Spencer:
Hmm. It's our best holiday in years, huh?

[playing video games with Juliet's young nephews]

Carlton Lassiter:
You better change your name to Lassiter, because I OWN you!

Shawn Spencer:
[on the phone] Dad... no, it is not an engraved set of rubber bullets. Why would I possibly give you another excuse to shoot a gun?

Shawn Spencer:
Can the Super Smeller pick out a scent from memory?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Well, the olfactory and memory areas of the cerebral cortex share the same neural pathways.

Shawn Spencer:
[frowning] What, is that... is that a yes?

Burton 'Gus' Guster:
Yes.