Real Genius

Chris Knight:
Have you ever seen a body like this before in your life?

David Decker:
She happens to be my daughter.

Chris Knight:
Oh. Then I guess you have.

Chris Knight:
May I say, sir, I admire your taste in footwear.

Chris Knight:
Do you mind if I name my first child after you? "Dipshit Knight" has a nice ring to it.

Chris Knight:
Moles and trolls, moles and trolls, work, work, work, work, work. We never see the light of day. We plan this thing for weeks and all they want to do is study. I'm disgusted. I'm sorry but it's not like me, I'm depressed. There was what, no one at the mutant hamster races and we had one entry into the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?

Professor Hathaway:
When you first started at Pacific Tech you were well on your way to becoming another Einstein and then you know what happened?

Chris Knight:
I got a haircut?

Chris Knight:
Don't eat that. Eating that can cause very large breasts. Oh my God, I'm too late.

Jordan:
I never sleep, I don't know why. I had a roomate and I drove her nuts, I mean really nuts, they had to take her away in an ambulance and everything. But she's okay now, but she had to transfer to an easier school, but I don't know if that had anything to do with being my fault. But listen, if you ever need to talk or you need help studying just let me know, 'cause I'm just a couple doors down from you guys and I never sleep, okay?

Chris Knight:
Gee, Kent, and we were going to make you King of the Winter Carnival.

Kent:
Really?

Professor Hathaway:
Mitch, there's something you need to know. Compared to you, most people have the IQ of a carrot.

Chris Knight:
Look at it this way. Considering the type of people you are and the environment you're in, you have to admit the strong possibility this may be the only chance you ever have in your entire lives... to have sex.

Professor Hathaway:
Bodie, I noticed you stopped stuttering.

Bodie:
I've been giving myself shock treatments.

Professor Hathaway:
Up the voltage.

Chris Knight:
First, you have to get back at Kent, it's a moral imperative.

Chris Knight:
You didn't touch anything, did you?

Mitch:
No.

Chris Knight:
Good. Because all of my filth is arranged in alphabetical order. This, for instance, is under 'H' for "toy.

Mitch:
What is it?

Chris Knight:
It's a penis stretcher. Do you want to try it?

Mitch:
No.

Chris Knight:
I'm just kidding. It's yet another in a long series of diversions in an attempt to avoid responsibility.

Professor Hathaway:
I want to see more of you around the lab.

Chris Knight:
Fine. I'll gain weight.

Chris Knight:
Would you prepared if gravity reversed itself? The only thing I can't figure out is how to keep the change in my pockets. I've got it. Nudity.

Dr. Dodd:
Why is that toy on your head?

Chris Knight:
Because if I wear it any place else, it chafes.

Chris Knight:
Kent put his name on his license plate.

Mitch:
My mother does that to my underwear.

Chris Knight:
Your mother puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?

Jordan:
Are you peeing?

Mitch:
Uh, I can't start.

Jordan:
Because I'm here?

Mitch:
I think so.

Jordan:
Weird. Well I have to go.

Mitch:
Me too.

Old Lady:
Tell me, what's Einstein really like?

Professor Hathaway:
Dead.

Professor Hathaway:
You still run?

Chris Knight:
Only when chased.

Chris Knight:
This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated.

Mitch:
And from now on, stop playing with yourself.

Kent:
It is God.

Mitch:
The weirdest thing just happened to me.

Chris Knight:
Was it a dream where you were where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?

Mitch:
No...

Chris Knight:
Why, am I the only one who has that dream?

Chris Knight:
If you think that by threatening me you can get me to do what you want... Well, that's where you're right. But - and I am only saying that because I care - there's a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market that are just as tasty as the real thing.

Professor Hathaway:
What are you looking at? You're laborers; you should be laboring. That's what you get for not having an education.

Professor Hathaway:
Mitch, will you miss your friends?

Mitch:
Well, no. I think I intimidate other kids.

Professor Hathaway:
Good boy.

Chris Knight:
So, if there's anything I can do for you, or, more to the point, to you, you just let me know.

Susan:
Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?

Chris Knight:
Not right now.

Susan:
A girl's gotta have her standards.

Kent:
You're all a bunch of degenerates.

Chris Knight:
Oh, really? Well, what about that time I found you naked with that bowl of Jell-O?

Kent:
You did not.

Chris Knight:
This is true.

Kent:
Yeah, well it was hot and I was hungry.

Mitch:
Did you know there's a guy living in our closet?

Chris Knight:
You've seen him too?

Mitch:
Who is he?

Chris Knight:
Hollyfeld.

Mitch:
Why does he keep going into our closet?

Chris Knight:
Why do you keep going into our closet?

Mitch:
To get my clothes - but that's not why he goes in there.

Chris Knight:
Of course not, he's twice your size - your clothes would never fit him.

Mitch:
Yeah...

Chris Knight:
Think before you ask these questions, Mitch. Twenty points higher than me? Thinks a big guy like that can wear his clothes?

Chris Knight:
Self-realization. I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, when he said, "I drank what?"

Chris Knight:
Welcome to Pacific Tech's "Smart People on Ice".

Bodie:
Well, I guess it goes from God, to Jerry to you to the cleaners. Right, Kent?

Chris Knight:
You unbelievable bastard.

Professor Hathaway:
Count on it.

Mitch:
This is coherent light.

Mitch's dad:
Oh, so it talks.

Chris Knight:
Here Mitch taste this. Too sweet?

Mitch:
No... what is it?

Chris Knight:
I don't know, I found it in one of the labs.

Chris Knight:
I'm just kidding. It's yogurt.

Chris Knight:
Kent isn't that your car?

Mitch:
Kent, you know you're not supposed to park that on campus.

Kent:
You did this, Knight.

Chris Knight:
I had help.

Kent:
You won't get away with this. You'll rue the day.

Chris Knight:
Rue the day? Who talks like that?

Chris Knight:
You see Mitch, I used to be you. Lately I've been missing me so I asked Dr. Hathaway if I could room with me again and he said sure.

Major Carnagle:
Where's the laser?

Professor Hathaway:
It's coming.

Major Carnagle:
It's coming? It's not even breathing hard.

Chris Knight:
Would you qualify that as a launch problem or a design problem?

Lazlo Hollyfeld:
How did you do?

Chris Knight:
I passed... then I failed.

Lazlo Hollyfeld:
Then I'm happy... and sad for you.

Darlington Recruiter:
You're Chris Knight, aren't you?

Chris Knight:
I hope so. I'm wearing his underwear.

Lazlo Hollyfeld:
Did you wanna borrow my pajamas?

Jordan:
Are you going to take me home to meet your parents?

Mitch:
No, I don't think so.

Jordan:
Why? Are you ashamed of me?

Mitch:
No, them.

Jordan:
Oh.

Mrs. Taylor:
Dr. Hathaway, I saw your program on radioactive isotopes last night, and I've got a question.

Jerry Hathaway:
Yes?

Mrs. Taylor:
Is that your real hair?

Jerry Hathaway:
Tell me something. Is Mitch by any chance adopted?

Mrs. Taylor:
Why, no!

Jerry Hathaway:
Amazing.

Mrs. Taylor:
Isn't it?

[Chris Knight and the recruiter enter a building. Chris is wearing springy antennas on his head.]

Recruiter:
Chris, this is my assistant, Sherry Nugil, and this is Mike Dodd, designer of our new telcom satellite.

Chris Knight:
[as if honored] Doctor Dodd! [Casually] Telcom...Isn't that the satellite that's raining debris all over Europe?

Dr. Dodd:
[sharply] Why is that toy on your head?

Chris Knight:
[matter-of-factly] Because, if I wear it anywhere else, it chafes.

[The recruiter and Dr. Dodd look uncertainly at one another]

Chris Knight:
I'm sorry. It's just that I didn't want you guys to think I was stuffy. You know, no fun. [Looking at Sherry Nugil] All brain no penis. [Sherry laughs, Dodd and the recruiter look uncomfortable] I'm sorry, it was just an infantile response to authority.

Recruiter:
Yes. You are Chris Knight, aren't you? [examines Chris' "visitor" tag]

Chris Knight:
[reflectively] I hope so...I'm wearing his underwear.

Jerry Hathaway:
I want five megawatts by mid-May. Look, I don't care if you're arrogant. I don't care if you're disrespectful. But your attitude's distracting Mitch, and that I won't have. The rules have changed. I want it by mid-May.

Chris Knight:
I think that you're just forgetting about one little detail, and that's that I am out of here. I'm gone, I'm history, I'm Casper, I'm graduating.

Jerry Hathaway:
To graduate, you need my course, dear boy. So it seems I have something to say about what you do and where you go. So from now on you and Mitch are going to spend every waking moment in the lab. You will solve my power problem, and you will solve it by my deadline.

Chris Knight:
OK, if you think that by threatening me, you can get me to be your slave, well... that's where you're right, but - and I'm only saying this because I care - there are a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market today that are just as tasty as the real thing.

Jerry Hathaway:
I'm not kidding, Chris.

Chris Knight:
Neither am I, Jerry.

[Discussing how Knight didn't come in to the lab]

Bodie:
He said he didn't feel like it. And I said, "You'd better!" And he said, "Or what?" And I said, "Or you're gonna be in trouble." And he said, "Jam it."

Jerry Hathaway:
That's a wonderful story, Bodie. I noticed you've stopped stuttering.

Bodie:
I've been giving myself shock treatments.

Jerry Hathaway:
Up the voltage.