S.O.L.

Zach:
I eat a lot when I'm sad, and I've been sad a lot lately.

Ryan:
That must be tough on you.

Zach:
It is. I also eat when I'm happy, horny, or bored and I'm almost always one of those things.

Allison:
Do you even know what I want?

Zach:
A baby?

Allison:
Well, eventually, but not right now.

Zach:
Good, because I hate those things.

Michael:
I am a big fan of your show Ms. Davidson.

Jenna:
Well, you're the target audience. 18-34 yr old virgins that live in their parents' basement, and rarely shower.

FBI Agent Dax Kramer:
Can I asked you one more thing?

Motel Clerk:
We already said our goodbyes, I don't want this to get awkward.

Ryan:
They can trace those calls, moron!

Michael:
How are they gonna trace Zach on my phone?