Santa Claus: The Movie

Ancient Elf:
The Prophecy has come to pass, that there would come to us a Chosen One, and that he, having no child of his own, would love all children everywhere, and that he himself would be an artisan, and a craftsman, and a skilled maker of toys. [to Santa] And now, Chosen One, come forward. From this day on, now and forever, you will bring all our gifts to all the children in all the world, and all this to be done on Christmas Eve.

Santa Claus:
How can I do so much in just one night?

Ancient Elf:
Well, know this: time travels with you. The night of the world is a passage of endless night for you, until your mission is done. This is your legacy, and your gift.... as is the gift of flight. Now, all those within the sound of my voice, and all those on this Earth everywhere know that henceforth, you will be called --- Santa Claus. And now, everyone, Merry Christmas.

Santa is shocked at seeing an orphaned little boy having to fend for himself on the streets and approaches his oil drum fire

Joe:
Hey, beat it, man, find your own doorway. Don't crowd me.

Santa Claus:
What are you doing here?

Joe:
I'm pitchin' a no-hitter for the Yankees, what's it look like?

Santa Claus:
But it's Christmas Eve! Don't you know what that means?

Joe:
Yeah, it means you're out of a job until next year, you and the rest of the winos.

Santa Claus:
Don't you know who I am?

Joe:
Sure, you're a nut.

Santa Claus:
I'm Santa Claus.

Joe:
Right, and I'm the tooth fairy.

Santa Claus:
Well! I guess I'll just have to do it my way.

Patch:
Don't you believe in Santa Claus?

B.Z.:
Why should I? He never brought me anything.

Patch:
That's because you were probably a naughty boy.

B.Z.:
Yes. I guess I was... no angel.

[Towzer comments to B.Z. about the proposed puce lollipop]

Towzer:
If this catches on, we can come out with a liquid version: puce juice.

[Patch is telling B.Z. about the special Christmas product he intends to make.

B.Z.:
What will it cost?

Patch:
[confused] Cost? Cost whom?

B.Z.:
The people who...who buy the toy.

Patch:
Well, nothing; we're going to give them away free.

[B.Z's face turns beet red and he looks ready to burst]

Patch:
[intrigued] Oh! Oh, that's fantastic! How do you make your face so red so fast?

B.Z.:
FOR FREE?!?!?!

B.Z.:
When you've got a hit like we have, Patch, the people don't wanna wait a whole year, they're dying for a sequel! A sequel. That's it. We'll bring it out on March 25, and we'll call it... Christmas II!

Patch:
Christmas II?

Cornelia:
You're burning up.

Joe:
I'll be alright.

Cornelia:
You stay out there and you'll be dead is what you'll be.

[Towzer has revealed the dangers of the candy canes]

Towzer:
B.Z., this stuff can kill people!

B.Z.:
Are you going soft on me?

BZ:
Towzer, how does Brazil sound to you?

Towzer:
Brazil?

BZ:
Brazil. Sandy beaches, tropical breezes, big rum drinks with pineapple in 'em, senoritas in string bikinis and... oh yes, no extradition proceedings.

Towzer:
You mean ----

BZ:
You and me, Eric. We'll take the cash ---- and let the elf face the music!

[BZ is in court over his dangerous toys which include a flammable doll]

Senator:
Well, what do you have to say to that, sir?

BZ:
Well, Senator, I've always known that cigarette smoking could be hazardous to your health. [Laughs]

Senator:
This is not a laughing matter, sir! This is a tragedy waiting to happen. You, sir, are a disgrace to your profession!

BZ:
Senator...

Senator:
And I believe THIS toy was advertised as being suitable for three-year-olds?

[Man picks up teddy bear and rips the head off and tips out a contents of sand, nails and broken glass]

BZ:
Senator, I'm even more astonished that you are to see this and I assure you that if these are not isolated examples, I'll make sure they never happen again.

Senator:
Well, you better do more than that, sir. You better withdraw every BZ Toy on the market or I'll personally see to it that your license to manufacture and distribute in the United States is REVOKED!

[BZ looks out his office and sees squad cars. The NYPD, having already apprehended Grizzard and Towzer, are focusing on arresting BZ]

NYPD officer{via bullhorn}:
We have a warrant for your arrest! Patrolmen are coming to your office now.

BZ:
Heh heh heh!

[BZ opens up his desk to reveal some prototype candy canes. He eats some then jumps out the window just as two patrolmen enter his office]

BZ:
Whoa, whoa, uh oh!

[BZ flies higher as police look at each other in astonishment]

Guess who's coming to town?

The legend comes to life!

Seeing is believing!

Santa Claus. The spirit of Christmas. But who is he really?

From the team who brought the three Superman blockbusters to the screen comes a story to stir the imagination - and warm the heart.

[Patch is telling B.Z. about the special Christmas product he intends to make]

Patch:
"If you give extra kisses, you get bigger hugs."

B.Z.:
Sorry?

Patch:
That's what Santa's wife's always saying. [chuckles awkwardly] Anyway, that's all the advertising you'll ever need.

B.Z.:
It better be. How many workers does this, uh, product require?

Patch:
Just me.

B.Z.:
What? No payroll?

Patch:
Well, my needs are small: a bowl of stew, heavy on the dill, a cold place to sleep--

B.Z.:
What will it cost?

Patch:
[confused] Cost? Cost whom?

B.Z.:
The people who...who buy the toy.

Patch:
Well, nothing; we're going to give them away free.

[B.Z's face turns beet red and he looks ready to burst]

Patch:
[intrigued] Oh! Oh, that's fantastic! How do you make your face so red so fast?

B.Z.:
FOR FREE?!?!?!

Patch:
Well, that's how we do it at the North Pole--

B.Z:
WELL, THAT'S NOT HOW WE DO IT HERE, IN A FREE ENTERPRISE SYSTEM!!!