Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse

Carter:
[giving money to a stripper, unaware that she's a zombie] Don't worry, mommy! Daddy's here! This is f***ing awesome!

Carter:
What is going on?

Denise:
Why the f*** do you think everyone's eating each other?

Ben:
You mean, like a - ? [zombie appears and Denise blasts his head off with a shotgun]

Denise:
Any more questions? [Ben and Carter nod "no"]

Ben:
[seeing Scout Leader Rogers, now a zombie, on the road] That's Scout Leader Rogers!

Carter:
He looks like sh*t!

Augie:
I set him on fire. [everyone looks at him] He tried to eat me!

Augie:
We're fine! Everything's under control! [a zombie jumps through a window and attacks]

Ben:
Guys, the police are gone! The military? They're not coming either. But tonight, we're showing what being a real scout's all about. We're just gonna stand here or we're gonna go save the world.

Carter:
F*** yeah, dude.

Augie:
That's a really good speech, bud.

Ben:
[Augie puts a bomb on the floor] What is that?

Augie:
It's a bomb.

Carter:
What are you, the Taliban?

Carter:
[staring at a zombie police officer's bare breasts] Oh, my Lord...

Ben:
Carter, let's go!

Carter:
[takes selfie with the officer and runs away] I touched them! I don't think they were real!

Ben:
[after Carter takes a selfie with a zombie] Carter, stop agitating them.

Carter:
What? I need a profile pic.

Augie:
It's the zombie apocalypse! Come on, we're scouts! We're trained for this!

Ben:
All right, scouts. Let's kick some zombie ass!

[post credits scene; Rogers' head is lying on a sandy hill with the blown up building from before behind him. Rogers is heard grumbling until bird feces lands on his cheek]

Scout Leader Rogers:
[last words] Oh, come on... The end.