Scrubs

Elliot:
I put all those flyers up and no one wants me to live with them.

J.D.:
Oh, c'mon, Elliot, I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a clean non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage.

Elliot:
Well, if you don't it gets mildewy.

J.D.:
You should live with my friend, Anal McLooney.

[Turk is picking a team for a basketball game. JD throws a basketball and it hits him on the head, knocking him unconscious]

Turk:
I got that guy.

Janitor:
What is it with steel wool? Is it steel? Or is it wool?

Dr. Cox:
Carla you devil I can't help but notice you love telling jokes. What was it you were saying about your coffee?

Carla:
I said 'It's so good it's like crack'. [nurses stare]

Dr. Cox:
Normally you would hear crickets but they were uncomfortable about just how unfunny that was.

Carla:
So what I'm not funny?

Dr. Cox:
I think your very funny when your up on your high horse, you know when you stay right in your wheelhouse. Everyone is funny for something. Barbie is an emotional trainwreck, your husband sells with a cocky attitude...

Turk:
Well you know I do what I do when I do what I do

Dr. Cox:
Alice here sells it with a lost stare, and now that I've said Alice your picturing me as the maid from the Brady Bunch. [flash to Cox as the maid] Am I right? [cut back] Then there are people with funny names... Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Col. Doctor, Snoop Dogg Intern...

Snoop Dogg Intern:
Yo!

Dr. Cox:
Sorry Snoop Dogg Resident. Laverne believes in God which is hilarious to me and Ted is the hospital sad sack.

Ted:
I am?

Dr. Cox:
Yes

Ted:
Awwwww!

Dr. Cox:
And me well, I'm funny cause I commit. C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T... T [points pinky and makes sipping motion] . To tell you the truth there is only one person here who is funny no matter what he says.

Dr. Kelso:
Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's gettin heat stroke.

Dr. Cox:
The point is *PLEASE* don't tell anymore jokes.

Ted:
I'm not really a sad sack?

Carla:
Ted your pen exploded.

Ted:
[looks at shirt] Awww! [realizes ink got on his hand and now is wiped on his head] AWWWW MAN!

Dr. Cox:
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man Not Caring. [points to self]

Dr. Kelso:
Do you want me to order you a clown?

J.D.:
A drunk clown hurt me once.

Turk:
Who are these guys?

J.D.:
These are the last eight guys in the hospital that don't realize I suck at basketball. So here's what gonna happen: I finally mastered my running hook shot so when we go to pick teams I'm gonna hit that shot. Then you say I'll pick that guy at which point Carla is gonna page me and I'll say "*Crap*, I've gotta go." And you'll go "*Damn*, we just lost the best player out here." And then there will be eight guys in the hospital who think I'm good at sports and word will spread.

Turk:
When do you find time to see your patients?

J.D.:
Between these thoughts.

Turk:
It sounds like you're asking me out on a man date.

J.D.:
Turk, why are you so afraid of loving me?

J.D.:
Ooh, Dr. Cox, can I ask you something?

Dr. Cox:
The answer is yes, it was me who saw you doing leg lifts in the gym on that inflatable ball. It was quite the display of girl power.

Elliot:
Laverne, did you ever notice that in hospitals, even though you're surrounded by like hundreds of people, it's still so easy to get lost in your own thoughts?

Nurse Roberts:
Have you been drinkin'?

[the Janitor is trying to solve J.D.'s riddle]

Janitor:
[to himself] Okay, come on: Two coins. Thirty cents. No nickels. Come on! You can do this! You went to Harvard, for God's sake!

Troy:
Relax! I figured it out.

[Troy pushes his solution over to the Janitor]

Janitor:
Okay... You gave me a penny... and... what appears to be a button, on which you've written twenty-nine cents.

J.D.:
[voice-over] One thing I've learned is to never play Operation against a surgeon for money.

Turk:
Eight seconds! Is that a new record, baby?

Carla:
That depends, what are we talking about?

[J.D. and Carla laugh]

Turk:
[voice-over] It's weird. Just by the simple act of pushing me to do the right thing, I remembered why Carla's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.

J.D.:
[thinking] Why don't I ever listen to me?

Dr. Kelso:
And I need you to crunch the numbers on next year's budget.

Ted:
Sir, that would be a job for the accounting department. I'm an attorney.

Dr. Kelso:
Uh-huh, and speaking of crunching, I have been jonesing for some Double-Stuf Oreos all day. Why don't you see if you can't hook me up?

Ted:
And you know what else? I quit!

Dr. Kelso:
No you don't!

Ted:
Well I'm leaving early today!

Dr. Kelso:
No, you're not! You're coming back to my office to do busy work!

Ted:
Fine, but I'm getting a soda first!

Dr. Kelso:
Whatever.

Dr. Cox:
[to J.D] Don't ever be afraid to come to me with stuff like that. The simple fact that you actually seem to give a crap is the reason I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor. Hell, it's... it's why I trust you as a person.

Dr. Kelso:
Here at Sacred Heart, I like to think that our patients choose our hospital not only because I leak vicious rumors about competing hospitals to the press, but also because when they see one of our doctors they think, Now that's a professional!

Elliot:
Um, Sir I don't think I look unprofessional.

Dr. Kelso:
I've let this whole new look thing slide the last few months, but now that your colleagues are beginning to complain I'm going to give you the same advice I give my son every morning. Lose the makeup! Get a haircut! And stop using my razor to shave your fun zone!

Chris Turk:
Babe, you gotta understand. A guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 9-1-1 in the nude because my pants would already be off!

Carla:
Nice, while your mother lays there dying.

Chris Turk:
[to JD] Tell her.

J.D.:
His mother doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the super model world to get Turk's mom's brain put into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, and we all move in together.

Chris Turk:
Because I love my mom.

J.D.:
Mm, and I would love her too.

Chris Turk:
I don't understand it. This wedding is supposed to be about us - how come I can't be comfortable?

Carla:
And I don't know how many times I have to tell you that you are not wearing sweats!

Elliot:
Hm! Can't believe Chuck gave up stripping to become a city councilman!

Carla:
Same job, different outfit.

[Turk is trying to help J.D. break up with Danni]

Chris Turk:
Dude, with Danni you just gotta keep your eyes on the prize. Focus in on how great it is to be single! Chasing tail! Hell, I miss it every day.

Carla:
Oh, you don't care if you ever have sex again, do you?

Elliot:
What are you doing in here?

Janitor:
It's... the men's room.

Elliot:
I know! I mean, it's not like I thought those were some kind of new female urinals, and then... tried them, and found them... oddly comfortable...

[Dr. Kelso greets a couple of orderlies who arrive with an occupied body bag on a gurney from a traffic accident]

Dr. Kelso:
Do you people have any idea how long I've been waiting on you? Next time, if you're not here in thirty minutes or less, I expect a free dead body... or at least some garlic knots.

Chris Turk:
Dr. Kelso, I think that's extremely insensitive.

Dr. Kelso:
I don't think so. [to the dead body] Miss Parker, you care to weigh in?

[He bends down to listen at the head of the gurney]

Dr. Kelso:
Nope, she's fine with it. And she knows a thing or two... except of course that a yellow light means to slow down.

[He chuckles morbidly]

[Turk is occupying Dr. Kelso's lunch spot]

Dr. Kelso:
Interesting tidbit: Back during the gold rush, when a man staked a claim, if he came upon another man panning his spot... why, he could shoot that fella dead without even asking any questions.

Chris Turk:
You don't say.

Dr. Kelso:
[sighs] Simpler times.

[J.D. is trying to break up with Danni over the phone while Carla enters]

Carla:
[to Nurse Roberts] How's he doing?

Nurse Roberts:
The boy's got no biscuits.

Carla:
Elliot... Have you been in the supply closet, crying?

Elliot:
Carla, I don't do that anymore!

[Carla holds up the back of her metallic clipboard to Elliot so that she can see the trails her heavy black eye makeup has made down her cheeks]

Elliot:
Oh, my God! I look like Alice Cooper!

[a strange smell appears during surgery]

Dr. Wen:
I don't know where that smell came from.

Todd:
Uh, sir?

Dr. Wen:
What is it, do you see something?

Todd:
Sir, I farted. That smell was from the fart that I made.

Chris Turk:
Dude.

Dr. Wen:
Get the Hell out of my O.R.!

Dr. Kelso:
Ted have you noticed how happy all the minions are lately?

Ted:
I wish I was dead

J.D.:
[voice over] I guess what they say is true the people you work with really do become your family. Like your brother, and your sister in law, [shot of Turk and Carla] or that cousin you have funny feelings for [shot of Elliot] , and the crazy angry uncle everyone sort of hopes isn't coming this year.

J.D.:
Dr. Cox, If you want you can come down here and hang out with...

Dr. Cox:
Nobody talk, just drink.

J.D.:
Ah uncomfortable silences and alcohol... just like Thanksgiving at home.

Jordan:
Look, I've seen your type before. You're that girl that convinced herself she wanted to lose her virginity at a frat party while another guy was asleep in the room.

Elliot:
Chas really cared for me.

Elliot:
[to Jordan] And if you lay one finger on me, I'm blowing my rape whistle.

Chris Turk:
[to Carla] Baby. You've always known about my sleep toots. Hell, you used to imitate the sound they made, remember?

Nurse Roberts:
I make Mr. Roberts wear special air-tight boxer shorts.

Chris Turk:
Laverne, I wrote the guest list for this conversation, and just in case, if you're wondering, you're not on it!

[the Todd has farted earlier in the O.R]

Todd:
Dr. Wen threatened to sew my butt cheeks together.

Chris Turk:
And yet you continue to eat chili.

Todd:
Dude I'm takin' the cheese off.

Elliot:
Well isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day.

J.D.:
[J.D. looks over at Doug, all smiles, who's dialing the phone on the desk] What are you doing?

Doug:
[excited] I'm calling my dad!

Mikey:
[Flying around like an airplane] Eeeeeeeeehhhhh! I'm a pretty airplane! Board me! Eeeeeeeeehhhhh!

Murray Marks:
He's a little off.

J.D.:
He smells like fuel.

Murray Marks:
He's an airplane!

[JD and Turk are trying, and failing, to reassure Elliot that they aren't obsessing over the orgasm she accidentally gave a patient during a pelvic exam]

J.D.:
Elliot, come on, I have never heard a woman make sounds like "that".

Elliot:
[smiling] Oh, I'm sure "you" haven't.

Chris Turk:
[laughing] See, it's funny because you never really satisfied a woman!

[Dr. Cox has been berating people after learning that his girlfriend slept with most of doctors to sell medicine]

Dr. Cox:
I'm not angry. So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.

Carla:
Please! What about all the women you've slept with? Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife...

Dr. Cox:
Would you please get off my ex-wife?

Carla:
I will if you will.

[Cox breaks down laughing]

Dr. Cox:
Well... dammit! Gosh, now I'm too proud of you to be mad at you.

[after Cox and Jordon had sex in an empty room, and called it having a 'conversation']

Carla:
[sing-song] You still like her.

Dr. Cox:
Why, because we had a conversation in an empty room?

Carla:
That room's not empty.

[Cox turns around to see a smiling patient]

[about J.D]

Dr. Cox:
Uh, Carla. Carla, have you, uh, have you seen Newbie?

Carla:
Oh, he got off your leash?

Dr. Cox:
[laughing] Give me a break. The kid's like... he's like a... have you ever seen a drunk baby?

[Carla stares at him]

Dr. Cox:
Eh, it's a long story involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say, it turns out that, at first, it's... it's endearing to watch them bounce off of the walls, but man... you take your eyes off them for one second...

[hits the table]

Dr. Cox:
...and bam! They got a bucket on their head, and they're plowing right through your brand new flat screen TV.

[whispering remorsefully]

Dr. Cox:
God save me, it was barely out of the box.

[Carla continues to stare at him]

Dr. Cox:
The point is... Newbie is my drunk baby.

[Trying to explain to Elliot that he'd perfer not having a kid watch his dad's surgery, but can't say much since the kid is right there]

Elliot:
[In french] Do you speak french?

Chris Turk:
You know, I did learn a little when my high school class went to France, but that was just stuff to pick up chicks.

Elliot:
[French] I really think it would make Tyler feel better if he could watch, ok?

[Turk is lost]

Chris Turk:
[Bad French] I have... an... Eiffel Tower... in my pants.

Elliot:
What?

Chris Turk:
[Bad French] Grapefruit!

Chris Turk:
Ya know Elliot, eventually you're gonna have to take off your sock.

Elliot:
If I do then from now on whenever you guys look at me all you're going to think is Giant Gross-Foot. It's like that security guard with the hook for the hand, all anybody thinks when they look at him is Big Giant Afro.

Carla:
[gasps] I do think that!

Elliot:
Oh, Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown?

Dr. Cox:
No, Barbie, no... it makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively *to* clowns.

Elliot:
I'm sorry, that was my mistake, I keep forgetting that you're a horrible, horrible person.

Dr. Cox:
Ooh, Backbone Barbie.

J.D.:
[thinking] Then he said something I never expected to hear.

Janitor:
I don't like you.

J.D.:
[thinking] Not that I totally expected that.

J.D.:
I just Marcia Brady'd your ass.

Chris Turk:
What the hell are you talking about?

J.D.:
Like in the episode of the Brady Bunch where Marcia gets Jan a job, then Marcia gets fired cos they like Jan better...

Chris Turk:
Season 5, Episode 3, Marcia gets creamed. Don't ever question me on the Bunch.

Dr. Cox:
Oh, gosh, Shannon, thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. And now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming-out party?

J.D.:
Is that a gay joke?

Dr. Cox:
No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years - how is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays - I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they've done with Halloween - but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But that's really not fair...

J.D.:
[thinking] Man, once Dr. Cox gets on a roll, there's nothing that can derail him.

Carla:
[speaking from the desk behind them] My mom died.

[the two guys turn to look at her, speechless with concern]

J.D.:
[thinking] Except that.

Ben:
I think you've got yourself a Christmas card right there.

Jordan:
Yeah, you're funny. Look, I don't understand why you refuse to put on a hospital gown?

Ben:
[in English accent] Because I don't like people to see my bum.

Jordan:
So wear underwear.

Ben:
You know how I feel about underwear.

Jordan:
Every girl who came to our house in the mid-eighties knows how you feel about underwear.

Ben:
[laughs] The sweatpants years.

J.D.:
I don't like that much freedom down there. It makes me tingle in my giblets.

J.D.:
Look, Dr. Cox, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I honestly think the only reason that you're not down at that hospital right now is that... you're afraid.

Dr. Cox:
I think you're right, I do. It's partly because you've gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's that well... I told you I was afraid earlier today... so please don't tell me you've come to reiterate things that I've already said, because I know the things that I've already said, in fact... I'm the one who said them.

Dr. Cox:
You are, in fact, a perfectly healthy 26-year-old doctor who keeps whining about how horrible his father was.

J.D.:
Well, he did some considerable emotional damage, so...

Dr. Cox:
Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage, and from what I've heard, it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand. But for now, believe me when I tell you I wouldn't care if this was the first time you ever met your daddy. Because, in reality... well, he could have done a much, much worse job.

Dr. Cox:
They hate you Bob. They hate from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you. By God, they hate you good.

Dr. Kelso:
[threateningly, to Nurse Roberts, who is chuckling] What is so funny?

Nurse Roberts:
Oh just the hooves and pitchfork part. [much more threateningly] Why?

Dr. Kelso:
[Frightened] Uh, no reason.

Dr. Cox:
You'd better go ahead and enjoy this while you can, Bob, because if your evil genie goes ahead and grants your wish and I'm gone forever, then the only one you're going to be able to contend with around here is yourself. And when you really get to know *that* person, oh, dear God, you'll scream so loud that Satan will want to tear up that contract he made with you at birth just so he can get some sleep.

[to Jordan]

Elliot:
I doubt sex for you is about making babies, because you'd probably just eat them anyway, and driving over to Dr. Cox's place and pleasuring him while he watches sports hardly counts as revenge.

Dr. Cox:
You know, the only way you could be more useless right now is if you actually were the wall. Now, it certainly is true that you'd at least be serving a purpose - specifically a surface for a jackass to lean against - but it could be argued that this is more useless than doing nothing.

[pause]

Dr. Cox:
I know, it's a conundrum but don't you worry, I'll noodle it for you right here. Meanwhile, you just skip along, all right Shirley?

Elliot:
Dr. Cox!

Dr. Cox:
I'm hoping for your sake there's another Dr. Cox sitting right behind me.

Elliot:
I'm not sure what you were trying to teach me by sending me to Dr. Kelso.

Dr. Cox:
The value, and this is important, of leaving me alone.

Elliot:
I think we both know there's a little more to it than that.

Dr. Cox:
No, trust me, there's not. Listen, missie, I want you to spread the word. I've... had... enough! The next whiney intern coming to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to A?sha, I'm going to hurt!

[Dr. Cox jumps over the couch]

Dr. Cox:
And you, you one-man freakshow, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-psychologist, because if you are so stupid to confront the chief of medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just gotta go ahead and change the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel.

Elliot:
You're right, you're absolutely right. I have to learn to pick my battles. Thank you so much.

[Elliot leaves the room]

Dr. Cox:
Y... you're welcome.

[Elliot keeps talking at a patient with a wired jaw]

Nurse:
Did somebody here buzz for a nurse?

Elliot:
No.

Nurse:
[Looking at the patient] It looks like his eyes are screaming...

[Jordan, his ex-wife]

Dr. Cox:
She's the devil, Newbie. Don't look in her eyes, she might steal your soul.

J.D.:
Who put this up?

Janitor:
I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 AM shift, just looking for that. Trying to add a little cheer. You will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year.

J.D.:
But I've only worked here for three months.

Dr. Cox:
Well, gosh - I guess I became a doctor because ever since I was a little boy, I just wanted to help people. I don't tell this story often, but I remember when I was seven years old, one time I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest, and so I picked him up and I brought him home, and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox. [starts laughing] I became a doctor for the same four reasons that everybody does - chicks, money, power and chicks.

J.D.:
[after Janitor pops up behind him] Why do you have to jump out and scare me all the time?

Janitor:
I don't jump out and scare you. I follow you around all day. I only got about an hour and a half of work around here, and the rest of the time I track you, like an animal.

Elliot:
Do you want to be alone?

J.D.:
No.

Elliot:
Do you want to cry a little?

J.D.:
No.

Elliot:
Wanna go throw stuff off the roof like Letterman used to do?

Carla:
You know what your problem is?

Dr. Cox:
There are times when I put myself into situ...

Carla:
Oh my god, who answers that question? You see, *that* is your problem. You think you have the answers to everything, but instead you end up throwing gas on the fire, and everyone else has to pay the consequences.

Dr. Cox:
That's almost exactly what I was going to say.

Dr. Kelso:
Dr. Dorian, I owe you an apology. Obviously I was unclear when I said, "Stay in the MRI room with that patient", it must have sounded like, "Leave and do other things".

Dr. Kelso:
She likes to joke that I choked the last breath of life out of her long ago, and now she's just a shell of a woman. I think that's so cute... I called her Shelley. You know, when I call her that, sometimes she laughs so hard she cries.

Jordan:
I don't dislike you, I nothing you.

J.D.:
That's special.

[Elliot and JD are about to bungee jump, and JD is very nervous]

Elliot:
Come on, what's the worst that could happen?

J.D.:
We could die.

Dr. Cox:
Ah, sorry to interrupt you there, Bobbo, but I gotta ask you a quick question. Now, when you were born, nay, *spawned* by the Dark Prince himself, did that rat bastard forget to give you a hug before he sent you along your way? Because you can't just let two good nurses go on account of feeling small and insignificant. And besides, with your money, you ought to be able to keep a little man tucked away in the closet, and bring him out whenever you wanna *knock* him around, huh? [to the interns] As you were.

Dr. Cox:
Who're you?

Janitor:
Just a man with a saw.

Dr. Cox:
Yo, girl's name!

J.D.:
What?

Dr. Cox:
Gimme a break, Ellen, I got a lot on my mind, and look at that, I bounced back.

J.D.:
You know, when you stop being frightened, time really is on your side. And you can just go on being you.

Dr. Kelso:
[on phone in his office] Yes, Enid, I hear Baxter growling, but the fact is, you ventured into his side of the house! [listens, smiling] Baring his teeth, huh?... OK, now here's whatcha do... Are you ready? [pauses, smiling] Make a sudden move! [barks, growls and screams are heard from the phone. Kelso hangs up, chuckling] Ahh, those two.

J.D.:
[after slamming his hand in the hinged counter] Aaaah! My 'me time' hand!

Dr. Cox:
You know, Bob, I've been thinking of all the times you manipulated me and toyed with me and I can't help but recall that children's fable about that race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates. You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him, but right at the end... oh, gosh I'm sure you remember what happened Bob, the tortoise bit clean through the Chief of Medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive right there on the racetrack. It's a disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me nonetheless.

Dr. Kelso:
Buzzy, buzz, buzz...

Dr. Cox:
I... beg your pardon?

Dr. Kelso:
Oh, uh, that's the sound of all the bees in your bonnet. And, Perry, even though I could give a rat's ass, I still think it's a pretty sound!

Dr. Kelso:
[Dr. Kelso just found out Turk cut off the plug of the Pacman machine] I know it was you.

Chris Turk:
[waving the plug around] You mean this right here? It's mine from home.

Dr. Kelso:
Forty Million, Son. You have any idea how many patients I had to ignore to get that high-score? People died.

Todd:
[Todd is playing Pacman] Oh, Miss Pacman, I would sex that bow right off your head. Eat those dots you naughty, naughty girl.

Chris Turk:
Let's put Rowdy on top of the TV and see which one of us can throw a hat on him first.

Chris Turk:
Ankles is a simple game. The first one to get embarrassed and pull up their scrubs loses.

J.D.:
[to Turk] Okay, fine. Let's just play... Tip Over the Trashcan.

[He tips over the trashcan]

J.D.:
Okay, I win.

Janitor:
Can I play?

[Janitor knocks JD's stack of folders to the floor]

Janitor:
This is fun.

J.D.:
Yeah.

Chris Turk:
Let's play Steak.

J.D.:
What?

Chris Turk:
Steak. The first person to finish their steak is the winner of Steak.

Janitor:
Hey, Idiot.

[J.D. turns around]

Janitor:
Heh. I said idiot and you turned around.

J.D.:
It's hard to take positive steps, when you've burned the bridge you got to walk across.

J.D.:
You think Turk would like it if I started calling him 'my brother'?

Carla:
I don't know.

[Turk passes by]

J.D.:
Catch you later... my brutha.

Chris Turk:
I'll holla.

J.D.:
[to Carla] He said, he'll holler...

Dr. Cox:
[on the phone] Sure, Jordan, you can take over the master bathroom. Just make sure you leave my sleeping pills out. So that I could, you know, swallow about 300 of them...

Lisa:
[after kissing J.D] Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you having a good time?

J.D.:
Actually, it's a roll of quarters. [takes out roll of quarters] Laundry day.

[Dr. Cox, Turk and J.D. are having very different woman problems]

Dr. Cox:
I don't know what the hell she wants.

Chris Turk:
I don't know if I'm what Carla really wants.

J.D.:
My peeps are on the frits.

Dr. Cox:
What?

Chris Turk:
Whoa.

J.D.:
No, I mean you're me peeps, and you're on the frits...

Chris Turk:
Yeah, right.

Dr. Cox:
God bless you newbie. You helped me get a new perspective on everything.

Chris Turk:
Dude...

[Dr. Cox and Turk leave, the janitor approaches J.D]

Janitor:
Thanks for the coffee. Here's your dollar. [empties cup full of pennies on J.D.'s table] Oh, and by the way, your new nickname is Pepe LeFrits.

[Elliot can't find an apartment]

Carla:
How you doing?

Elliot:
I'm exhausted. I mean, I'm just one person. At least Turk has you to pick up the slack when it gets too bad.

Carla:
You'd think so.

[Elliot's cell phone rings but she ignores it]

Carla:
Aren't you gonna answer that?

Elliot:
Nah, that's just Todd. He keeps calling me and asking if I want to move into his pants.

J.D.:
Hey, Perry...

Dr. Cox:
Perry?

J.D.:
Yeah, it's a new thing I'm trying. So, Perry, I was wondering if you knew that I have a date this weekend?

Dr. Cox:
Really? Well, newbie, I'm glad that you finally found a woman who enjoys the benefits of a same sex relationship.

Janitor:
Scooter!

J.D.:
Huh?

Janitor:
Your nickname will be scooter.

J.D.:
I don't get it.

Janitor:
Like Scooter Pies. I *hate* Scooter Pies!

J.D.:
Oh... now I get it.

Old Doctor:
[upon delivering a baby] Ahh, it's a bouncing baby boy. Another ready soldier in the war against communism.

Dr. Cox:
Newbie, stay. Stay. Bad newbie. That's a very bad newbie.

[Dr. Cox and Jordan are fighting]

J.D.:
[thinks] This is bad. I got to stop this. I got to say something. [out loud] Banana Hammock.

J.D.:
[internal] I think childbirth has been way too romanticized.

[cut to a 1950s era informational film with JD and the soon-to-be parents]

J.D.:
You'll fart, poop, pee, and scream, all in front of ten complete strangers, all of whom are staring intently at your vagina, which, by the way, has an 80 per cent chance of tearing.

Pregnant Wife:
[to her husband] You do it.

Carla:
You can deny you like her all you want. But, I know for a fact, that every time you guys are done playing racquetball or having a conversation or whatever it is you crazy kids are calling it, you like nothing more than to just lie next to Jordan and watch her sleep.

Dr. Cox:
It would be impossible for me to lie next to Jordan. She sleeps hanging from a ramp in the ceiling, wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings.

Dr. Kelso:
Perry.

Dr. Cox:
BeelzeBob.

J.D.:
Can you get that for me? I can't reach it.

Janitor:
Is this some kind of trick to get me off your back? I mean, I owe you one.

J.D.:
No, I really need it.

Janitor:
OK, here you go. You know, you could have just asked me to stop harassing you for about a year.

J.D.:
OK, I want that.

Janitor:
Too late.

Todd:
Why won't any women talk to me?

Attractive nurse:
Because you're slimy and you turn everything into a double entendre.

Todd:
I do not.

[Attractive nurse leaves, Todd stares at Turk]

Chris Turk:
Go ahead.

Todd:
I'd like to double her entendre.

Todd:
[to J.D., about Elliot] So, what are her breasts like?

Elliot:
Todd, I'm right here.

Todd:
Oh, sorry... So, what are your breast like?

Dr. Cox:
Hey, newbie. What's up?

J.D.:
Everything. Everything's up.

Dr. Kelso:
Rise and shine, Dr. Dorian.

[J.D. gulps]

Todd:
Hey, how's your penis? [continues walking]

J.D.:
[thinking] Don't worry, he says that to everybody. [stops and waits]

Todd:
[to another doctor] Hey, how's your penis?

[Somebody streaked in the hospital]

Chris Turk:
I know it wasn't you last night. Look I'm not proud of this but I can pick your puff and stuff out of a line-up

J.D.:
He changed since the last time you saw him. He got a haircut.

J.D.:
Dr. Kelso. The doc here has been telling me that you have some great stories. I wouldn't mind hearing one sometime.

Dr. Kelso:
Oh what the hell. Back in '68 I don't like you. The end.

Dr. Cox:
Doc, Kelso asked me to give him a physical. I did it, and he thanked me and said he owed me one.

Cox's shrink:
You're telling me that you actually made a decision that had a positive impact on your life?

Dr. Cox:
Well, a resident [J.D] kinda talked me into it.

Cox's shrink:
You mean to tell me that you actually took the advice of another human being? This is a big moment for me.

Dr. Cox:
Yuh-huh.

Cox's shrink:
Well, by God, Perry, if there is a person in that hell-hole of a hospital that can give you advice, keep that person around you for as long as possible. Because, that person is a genius. [Cut to J.D in an elevator, singing and dancing]

J.D.:
Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting! /

[pause] Those kicks were fast as lightning!

Todd:
I have to go, there's a breast reduction on the fourth floor... I'm gonna go try and stop it.

J.D.:
Time to take the GR off my Gratitude and give that old bastard some Attitude, J.D. style. [Walks off]

Carla:
His office is that way.

J.D.:
Yeah, I have to throw up first.

Dr. Kelso:
Dr. Cox, did you get my memo stating that residents should wear their lab coats at all times?

Dr. Cox:
Yes I did. At first I just threw it away, but then I thought, that's not grand enough a gesture; so I made a model of you out of straw, put my lab coat on it - with your memo in the pocket - and invited the neighborhood kids to set fire to it and beat it with sticks.

J.D.:
Why aren't you using the mop I bought you?

Janitor:
I didn't like it.

J.D.:
But you cried!

Janitor:
No, that was you. [drags wet mop over JD's face]

Chris Turk:
Don't you think that's a little sexist, sir?

Dr. Kelso:
I don't know. Is it sexist to hold the door for a woman? Is it sexist to keep the attractive nurses and let go of a few ugos? The rules are changing so fast I just can't keep up.

Elliot:
C'mon peeps, let's go kick some sick patient ass.

[JD turns to Turk and Carla]

J.D.:
And that my friends is one nerdy honky.

[Turk to Carla]

Chris Turk:
That's two.

J.D.:
What do I know about good relationships? Yesterday I had funeral sex.

J.D.:
Shut up, shut up, shut up and shut up, okay? Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do is b*tch about your relationships all day long.

[to Dr. Cox]

J.D.:
And you know what glare all you want Big Dog, okay, because I'm not afraid of you. 'Oh no, Jordan's only paying attention to the baby. That must be so hard for Dr. Look-At-Me, isn't it? LOOK-AT-MEEEE.

[to Carla and Turk]

J.D.:
And you two, you're arguing ever since you got engaged, wow you're probably the first couple that's ever done that EVER. It can't be that you're just scared is it?

[to Elliot]

J.D.:
And you, you know what, let's just forget for one second that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort you guys is while I'm sitting at home staring at the ceiling just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are.

[JD storms out of the cafeteria, passing Nurse Roberts]

Nurse Roberts:
Did I miss something good?

[after sleeping with a widow]

J.D.:
There are a lot of ways to grieve, but last time I checked, wheelbarrow style wasn't one of them.

[while inspecting a suspicious mole on the Janitor's penis]

J.D.:
Hmm... it looks benign.

Janitor:
Yeah, 'bout nine, nine and half.

[JD was cooing to a baby]

Dr. Cox:
Newbie, I know your ovaries are ahab-solutely tingling at the very sight of this little fella but you gotta snap out of it.

J.D.:
Oh, I have to get to the funeral.

Dr. Cox:
Well, raise my rent if you're not off to see Tasty Coma Wife, aren't you? [explaining to Jordan] Her husband was in a coma so long that she actually forgot what an attractive male looks like. Enter Errol Flynn here, whose conscience will not allow him to either swash or buckle her, but since hubby is now worm food, I'm guessing all bets are off, mmmmhmmmm?

Dr. Cox:
So what you're saying is you have a problem that is totally your problem but you'd like to find a way to make that problem my problem, but here's the problem, newbie, it ain't my problem.

[Dr. Cox, explaining why he dislikes Julie, the drug rep]

Dr. Cox:
[whispering]Would you like to know the real dirty, dirty little secret? It's that your drug is so damn good that you guys went and put about a 600% markup on it. [laughs] But hey, the only ones get hurt are the sick people, right? And since your company *damn* sure doesn't care about them, and you're part of the system, well that just means you don't care either, and that's pretty much what's making me sick, that's all.

[an overweight patient has not been losing weight, despite Dr Cox's orders]

Dr. Cox:
Lemme ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside somebody's clogged artery when all that person has to do, really is - oh, I don't know - go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that? And, I know here, I know I'm supposed to be Dr. Give-A-Crap, but you wanna hear the God's honest truth? And this is a fact: you are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?

Carla:
Well?

Dr. Cox:
I'm sorry, would you please repeat the question?

Carla:
Are you just gonna roll over like that?

Jordan:
That's weird, I asked him the same thing last night.

Carla:
Where's the outrage? The anger? The hate?

Jordan:
Again, last night!

Carla:
You've gone soft.

Jordan:
[Gasps] Okay, now it's getting spooky.

Dr. Cox:
Shower shorts, newbie?

J.D.:
For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to.

Elliot:
Frick on a stick with a brick!

[Elliot gave J.D. a rough examination]

Elliot:
I heard you're telling everyone I violated you.

J.D.:
Not everyone. Just the people that work here. Oh, and my parents.

Elliot:
Mr. Bragen, it is so great to see you back in the hospital.

Mr. Bragen:
Woo-hoo. I've got a tube in my penis.

Elliot:
Dr. Cox!

Dr. Cox:
And there you are!

Elliot:
Huh?

Dr. Cox:
I was just now wondering if there was anything that could actually push my headache into a full blown migraine... and there you are.

[Carla has stood up for JD against Dr Cox]

Dr. Cox:
Oh, and Ginger, by the way - just a real smooth move runnin' to your mommy.

J.D.:
Excuse me?

Dr. Cox:
Yeah, your mommy cah-rushed me today. I'm serious.

[to the various doctors and patients in the busy hospital]

Dr. Cox:
Uh, I'd like to issue a warning to everybody, and I'm dead serious. FYI, JD's mommy has made it perfectly clear she doesn't want her daughter picked on. Nothing mean, she's a precious flower, and we should all be super-nice to her.

Paul Flowers:
Sometimes it feels like you're holding back.

Elliot:
Of course I'm holding back, I'm insane you idiot. Remember the other day when you told me I had pit-stains, well I have cried every fifteen minutes on the half-hour since you told me that. I am racked with self-doubt, I have panic attacks, I'm claustrophobic, germ-phobic, phobia-phobic. I talk to myself, I talk to my cats, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice and, yesterday, when that stupid, pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves I almost killed the guy who's leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks. Why a box of steaks? 'Cos my Dad had an affair with a female butcher and, as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, I opened up, are you happy?

Todd:
Show Todd some love. [high fives J.D., who winces in pain]

J.D.:
[thinking] I hate showing Todd love.

Dr. Cox:
Hey, Betty. Hey, Wilma. Oh, what the hell, you're only forty minutes late. Do I... do I smell beer?

J.D.:
Uh, we... we, uh, we had a few.

Dr. Cox:
Newsflash, you can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots.

Dr. Cox:
Oh and [Whistles] Lassie, in response to the bestiality rumors circulating about you, I have decided to forgo calling you by the usual girl's name, and instead I am going to refer to you as whatever famous dog I can think of. I have gone with Lassie because of course it satisfies the criteria of being both a girl's and a dog's name, thus helping you to ease into the transition

J.D.:
I was just running kissing drills.

Dr. Cox:
Oh, that is completely normal then.

[to toddler Jack, at his parent's wedding-like divorce ceremony]

Carla:
You have no chance of being normal.

J.D.:
It's the kid inside of us that keeps us all from going crazy.

J.D.:
It's funny, I guess sometimes when you do nothing at all, things just have a way of fixing themselves.

Carla:
Yes I'll have an espresso, please and... [looks at menu] What kind of scones do you have today?

Yuppie:
Ahem. [Carla continues looking] Son of a b*tch. Do you mind lady? I am in a rush.

Carla:
[Turning around] Oh, my goodness I'm so sorry. What am I doing thinking I can take an extra six seconds to pick my breakfast? I'm gonna have to call my mom and tell her she did a lousy job raising me. Thank you so much. [continues to look at menu]

J.D.:
Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around.

[Todd offers a high-five to J.D]

J.D.:
What the hell, he deserves it.

[Todd high-fives J.D., who winces in pain]

J.D.:
Mother-f [cuts into title song]

J.D.:
Elliot, come on. You're living out of a van like a homeless person... or Jewel.

Dr. Cox:
[whistles] Let's go, field trip.

Chris Turk:
I got things to do, you know.

[still, he follows Dr. Cox]

Dr. Cox:
Let me guess, you're off to another funeral. I'll make you a deal: you come with me right now, and if you're still late for the graveyard, I will personally scour the obituaries with you this weekend and you can just go nuts!

Chris Turk:
Carla put you up to this?

Dr. Cox:
No, it was my idea. I desperately want to be close with you, I just can't figure out how to connect. Turn around.

[Turk gives him a look]

Dr. Cox:
[firm] Turn around.

[Turk does turn around, and the two look into the observation window of a patient in the I.C.U. The family is gathered around the bed as Dr. Wen speaks to them]

Dr. Cox:
You see Dr. Wen in there? He's explaining to that family that something went wrong, and that patient died. He's gonna tell them what happened, he's gonna say he's sorry - and then he's going back to work. Do you think anybody else in that room's going back to work today? That is why we distance ourselves; that's why we make jokes. We don't do it because it's fun. We do it so we can get by. And... sometimes because it's fun. But mostly it's the getting by thing.

Carla:
What are you guys talking about?

Chris Turk:
Nothing, guy talk.

J.D.:
B*tches and Hoes.

J.D.:
[thinking] Just tell him how you feel without sounding like a girl for once.

[to Turk] I miss you so much it hurts sometimes.

[J.D. faces a burnt-faced Dr. Kelso, who has just had hot coffee splashed on his face]

J.D.:
[Thinking] Oh my God, do not say splotchy.

J.D.:
Good splotchy Dr. Splotchy.

Dr. Kelso:
Hey Ace, your TTP patient coded, I pronounced it.

J.D.:
He died?

Dr. Kelso:
I certainly hope so otherwise that autopsy is going to be a b*tch.

J.D.:
[to himself, as Dr. Cox stands next to him at a urinal] Okay, just act natural. (out loud) Hey, Dr. Cox. Takin' a whiz?

[J.D. is talking to a patient with a coma, describing his hardships]

Coma Guy:
Yeah, that's rough... I'm in a coma. I've had an itch on my foot for the last eight months.

Doug:
Hey, Klaus, I got a question for you: why is it in your country that Hamburg and Frankfurt have nothing to do with hamburgers and hot dogs?

Janitor:
[In german voice] Why is your Lake Titicaca not filled with b*obs and poop?

J.D.:
You're an actor.

Janitor:
You're a fireman... What are we doing?

[Turk is talking about a rival surgeon]

Chris Turk:
Bonnie is killing me; I'm telling you, I cannot beat this woman no matter what I try. She's like a ninja but worse.

J.D.:
Nothing's worse than a ninja - they're masters of every style of combat.

Carla:
Can we please talk about something other than Bonnie?

Elliot:
[to Turk] I think you should give Bonnie a break. You know, it's really hard being a woman around here... you can walk through walls and nobody notices you.

J.D.:
Not entirely unlike a... ninja.

J.D.:
I can't believe you lost our bottle opener.

Chris Turk:
Yeah, I know.

[quoting JD from earlier]

Chris Turk:
I miss it so much, it hurts sometimes.

J.D.:
You're a bad person.

[to J.D. and Elliot]

Dr. Cox:
Ah, damn. I missed the annual sleep-over, didn't I? That wonderful time of the year when you two crazy kids throw all caution to the wind and make sweet, ellbowy love to each other. Don't you be shy. You can tell Uncle Coxy about the naughtay.

Elliot:
Dr. Cox, I lost my apartment and I was just needing a place to stay...

Dr. Cox:
...so you went over to your friend's house and cried on his shoulder - boo-hoo-wah - and you of course comforted her because she was weak and vulnerable and blah, blah, blah, nerdy sex, the end. Dear lord, Laverne, how in God's name do you listen to this crap all day long?

Nurse Roberts:
Are you kidding? If he turns out to be her brother, this is better than my stories.

Dr. Cox:
No matter where you go in life, always keep an eye out for Johnny, the tackling Alzheimer's patient.

J.D.:
Now what's that supposed to mean?

Patient:
[Tackling J.D. from out of nowhere, shouting] Who am I?

[Turk shows his new interns the patient list]

Chris Turk:
This guy needs brain work, this guy needs a heart...

J.D.:
This one needs courage.

Chris Turk:
Helping or hurting, JD? Helping or hurting?

Dr. Cox:
Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something.

[shot of J.D and Elliot facing each other... Elliot walks away with neither of them saying a word]

[after allowing Dr. Kelso to slip]

Janitor:
I liked the way blond-hair-doctor looked. She brightened my day. But you don't care about that, do you? No... because you're unconscious.

Dr. Kelso:
Hey, guess what has two thumbs and *still* doesn't give a crap?

[Points at his face with his thumbs]

Dr. Kelso:
Bob Kelso! I think we've met...

J.D.:
But in the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too.

Janitor:
Ok, look. Attention, roof poopers! Setting aside for a moment the fact that I'm gonna make sure you all live to regret this day - let's keep the magic rolling. Let's not tell anyone else there is a toilet on the roof...

[Todd enters]

Janitor:
...there is NOT a toilet on the roof!

Todd:
But you just said there was!

Janitor:
No, yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor- that means God is watching us. You heard this... there's a toilet... on the roof. Am I right, people?

[Bystanders agree]

Todd:
Cool. [Makes cross sign and leaves]

Elliot:
Kevin left. Didn't even say goodbye.

J.D.:
Elliot, he didn't say goodbye to a lot of people. Just me, Dr. Cox, Carla, Doug, Snoop Dogg Intern...

Snoop Dogg Intern:
Where my hoes at?

J.D.:
I haven't seen them.

Ted:
[shouting on the phone] You want to quit? Then quit! But you, sir, are a worthless peon and you will *always* be a worthless peon!

[hangs up]

Ted:
Sir, you know my band, The Worthless Peons? Well, Chris from Shipping & Receiving wants to go solo! If we lose him, we'll lose our sex appeal. He's the only one with hair! What do you think I should do?

Dr. Kelso:
Ted, you know my rule about personal problems - I'm not interested unless it involves my loved ones. Or possibly my wife.

[hands Ted a file]

Dr. Kelso:
Do lawyer stuff to that.

[about Dr. Cox]

Dr. Kelso:
And I'll be damned if he doesn't disagree with everything I say just because I said it.

J.D.:
Sir, I don't think that's true.

[Kelso turns over]

Dr. Kelso:
It's hotter than hell in here, Perry!

Dr. Cox:
Freezing!

Dr. Kelso:
Great coffee, though!

Dr. Cox:
Rat piss!

Dr. Kelso:
Dr. Murphy here is an incompetent suck-up!

Dr. Cox:
No, Bob, in fact he's one of the finest young doctors I ever had the good fortune of working with.

Dr. Kelso:
[to J.D] Your witness.

Dr. Kevin Casey:
It's been four hours since my last surgery, I just can't stop washing my hands...

[grunts]

Dr. Kevin Casey:
This is a secret... no one is suppose to know about this. Ok?

J.D.:
Okay, no problem.

Dr. Kevin Casey:
I just don't want to tell anyone, this is my problem, no one should ever burden it on someone else...

J.D.:
[voice over] He was right, I couldn't do it...

Dr. Kevin Casey:
You need help JD?

J.D.:
No, nothing...

[voiceover]

J.D.:
None of us needed help...

Ted:
I feel I'd be more productive if my phone dialed out.

[a woman with her son comes over to Dr. Cox and Jordan and starts talking to their son, Jack]

Woman:
Hi, cutie! Since you have so many balls, and too many toys can be overstimulating for an infant, Brantley here was wondering if he could borrow one to play with.

Dr. Cox:
Oh, that's funny, because Jack here was just wondering why the crazy lady who just spent the last hour chain-smoking and talking on her cell phone while her kid ate sand, would come over to two complete strangers and give them parenting advice.

Jordan:
Oh, he also thanked me for not naming him Brantley.

Dr. Cox:
Yeah.

J.D.:
[voiceover] I was running late, but that's okay, because I've been working with Dr. Casey these last few weeks and he likes to start every day the same way - by touching everything in his first patient's room.

Dr. Kevin Casey:
[touching things] Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink...

Dr. Kelso:
[enters room]

J.D.:
Everything.

Dr. Kevin Casey:
[touches Dr. Kelso's nose]

Dr. Kelso:
Oh, well I suppose that's how they say hello in Cuckoo town. The patients on this wing have been complaining about hearing strange noises.

Dr. Kevin Casey:
If it's bink I can explain.

Dr. Kelso:
It's not bink.

J.D.:
Is it I come from the land down under, where women glow and men plunder? That wasn't me.

Dr. Kelso:
Just figure it out, dammit!

Dr. Kelso:
[leaves]

Dr. Kevin Casey:
Do you plunder?

J.D.:
I have been known to.

Chris Turk:
Awww... Where's my lucky Tabasco do-rag?

J.D.:
Why don't you use Power Rangers?

Chris Turk:
How are Power Rangers as lucky as Tabasco?

J.D.:
Do you remember when communications with Zordon went down and the Megazord was destroyed?

Chris Turk:
How did I miss that episode? Oh, right. I was making love to a woman!

J.D.:
Power Rangers ho!

[Standing next to J.D. and Dr. Kelso]

Dr. Cox:
Goodness gracious, suddenly I'm getting the most intense headache. Let me see if this relieves the pain.

[grabs J.D. and shoves him in between him and Kelso]

Dr. Cox:
Better!

[pushes J.D. away]

Dr. Cox:
Worse!

[Pulls him back]

Dr. Cox:
Better!

[and away again]

Dr. Cox:
Worse! Oh, I could do this all day.

[standing up for Carla]

Chris Turk:
Dr. Kelso, how is it that you had an ambulance take you to your dinner reservation last night just so you didn't lose it?

Dr. Kelso:
How do you know that?

Chris Turk:
Because I'm the homeboy you screamed at to get my ghetto-mobile of the road.

[mimicking Dr. Cox in front of him]

J.D.:
[whistles] Here's the deal, Eleonore. We're gonna go ahead and get a full work-up on this guy. So while drop an NG2 and do a gastric lavage, why don't you go ahead and get an order order on EKG with cardio-bio-markers? If you need to know where those are, they are on page 37 of the Ann Teller catalogue, right next to that salmon cable-knit sweater you wanted for so long but haven't had the courage to order, because you worried the weave is so thin, your nipples just might go ahead and peak their pink selves through! Isn't that right, Dr. Cox? Dr. Cooox!

Dr. Cox:
[mimicking the J.D. daydream stare] Uhm, I'm sorry. Here I was in my own little world, talking to myself, dreaming about candy bracelets.

Dr. Kelso:
Son, do you think I got to be Chief of Medicine by being late?

Dr. Cox:
Noooo, Bobbo, you got there by backstabbing and ass-kissing.

Dr. Kelso:
Maybe so, but I started those things properly at eight!

Dr. Cox:
I don't want to hear anything out of that man's mouth other than Oh no, I'm dying, there's a bright light, but wait a minute, this is wrong, I'm in hell! Hitler, Musollini... Captain Kangaroo? That's not right.

Elliot:
Thanks again for helping me look for Carla.

Janitor:
No problem. I'll check the dumpster.

Elliot:
...We're not looking for *dead* Carla.

Janitor:
Atta girl. You stay optimistic.

J.D.:
Hey there, research buddy!

Dr. Cox:
We're only four seconds in and I'm already regretting my decision.

J.D.:
[hits a bell] Things Jordan says during sex! [drops giant stack of carefully sorted files]... there's a good chance I'm gonna kill someone.

Dr. Cox:
[hits a bell] Things you say when you talk to your patients.

Carla:
Christopher!

Chris Turk:
Christopher? You only call me Christopher when you're mad or when we're having sex... Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?

Carla:
Sometimes.

Carla:
[helping a bruised J.D] So how far over the creek did you make it?

J.D.:
I don't know the exact distance in terms of feet and inches but in my own terms I would have to say... about half way.

Dr. Cox:
[strolling by] Don't stop paddling, Amy. You are sure in for the Little Girl X-Games.

Elliot:
Position one, two or three?

J.D.:
We only had two.

Elliot:
Oh yeah. Then I have to show you something later.

Dr. Kelso:
[to Dr. Cox] I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the comedian at that strip joint in Reno... I'm not here for the jokes.

[to Jordan, about why it's important for them to fight]

Dr. Cox:
You're a wonderful and passionate person, and that's why I can see myself with you when I'm 70 and you're 65 and your face is 40 and your b*obs are 29.

Jordan:
My face will never look 40.

Dr. Cox:
Jordan! Get out of bed. We have a wedding to go to.

Jordan:
Perry, Jack is at my mom's, the apartment is empty. It's just you and me... let's take a nap, we'll sleep through the ceremony and then go to the reception!

Dr. Cox:
Can we at least have sex?

Jordan:
[puts on sleeping mask] Do what you have to, don't wake me.

Doug:
[being filmed for a wedding video] I'll have to agree with Chad. Turk, Carla, you guys are awesome. This is an awesome wedding and I'm having an awesome time and you two are gonna have an awesome life. Awesome!

Dr. Kelso:
[drunk at Turk and Carlas wedding reception] Ahh, Dr. Turkleton!

Chris Turk:
Actually, sir, it's Turk.

Dr. Kelso:
That's your first name!

Chris Turk:
You think my name is Turk Turkleton?

Dr. Kelso:
[to Carla]... and Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! Hehehe... [to bartender] Give me a scotch.

Jordan:
[to Cox] I refuse to be judged by a grown man wearing a hockey jersey. Which reminds me, Jimmies mom called, and if you guys win the big game today, she's gonna take everybody out to Chucky Cheese!

Dr. Cox:
I don't necessarily buy all this new-agey crap. One time I saw my mom knock my father unconscious with a frying pan. And d'you know what I did? I kept right on going with my birthday party.

Carla:
Dr Cox... why is your mouth red?

Dr. Cox:
Duct tape, two hours in a morgue drawer, don't piss off the janitor. End of story.

Dr. Kelso:
I am considering offering full body scans here at Sacred Hearts. What do you think?

Dr. Cox:
I think showing perfectly healthy people every harmless imperfection in their body just to scare them into taking an invasive and often pointless test is an... unholy sin!

Dr. Kelso:
Yeah, sounds a little sketchy ethically.

Dr. Cox:
I can't believe Kelso really asked my opinion, you know?

Janitor:
Look, pal, if I wanted to sit and listen to someone jam around about their lifes, I'd be at my AA meeting now.

Dr. Cox:
Listen there, scrub-brush. It just so happens that this was the only empty seat in the whole joint and besides, as a fellow abusive drinker you are honor bound by barstool protocol to listen to every last word out of my mouth.

Dr. Miller:
Listen, if Dr. Kelso had asked me to go somewhere that I thought was actually good for my career, I'd be gone so fast you'd be left staring at an imaginary woman's chest as she was trying to make a point.

Dr. Cox:
Oh I'm, I'm sorry, it's my fault. That dress just screams, Respect me as a doctor!

Elliot:
But if the ceremony's in spanish, how will I know when you guys are married?

Carla:
We all shoot off our guns and throw tortillas in the air.

Elliot:
Really? Oh, I wish I was was ethnic.

Elliot:
I have a huge bunion. Sean's coming back in, like, a few weeks what am I supposed to do?

J.D.:
Well, I think the obvious answer is to draw Sean's face on it and tell him you grew it because you missed him.

Chris Turk:
*Or,* it's a simple surgery.

J.D.:
Uhhh, Turk, I think we've already decided on bunion-face!

Elliot:
Cut me the hell up.

J.D.:
Dammit!

J.D.:
Hey, where's my fuzzy for my 3 wood?

Chris Turk:
[naked] It's on my 9 wood.

Todd:
The Todd appreciates hot, regardless of gender.

J.D.:
I am not addicted to Journey

Chris Turk:
[singing] She's just a small-town girl...

J.D.:
[singing] Livin' in a lonely wor-rld, she took the midnight train, going a-n-y-whe-ere.

J.D.:
[thinking] Oh, my God, I just said slave to my black girlfriend!

J.D.:
Ben... you have leukaemia.

Ben:
[after a pause] That sucks.

J.D.:
Yeah.

Ben:
[to JD] Ya know something? *You* have slept with both of my sisters. So that means that you and I have something in common.

Ben:
Hey, JD, my sister, Danni, is more of a gentle kisser, don't you think? But I find that Jordan is a little bit more on the lines of teeth and tongue and fangs. [hisses]

Dr. Cox:
[explaining he doesn't care it's JD's last week of residency] I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week. Let's see... low carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah & all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-Def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the OC, the UN, recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle that sleeps too darn much, the Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everythingj every-everything that exists past present & future, in discovered and undiscovered dimensions! [turns away, then turns back] Oh, and Hugh Jackman.

J.D.:
Hugh Jackman is Wolverine! How dare he!

J.D.:
[Driving circles around The Janitor] Ring around the janitor, pocket full of...

Janitor:
Pocket full of what

J.D.:
ZANitor

Janitor:
That's not a word

J.D.:
Oh, Mrs. Grodberg, JZILBEK is not a word

Mrs. Grodberg:
But I'm still beating you...

J.D.:
Well, I'm just glad your surgery went okay and you still have your A game. I don't really care who wins.

J.D.:
[thinks] Half a brain, dammit!

Dr. Cox:
[walking quickly through the cafeteria] I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm invisible...

Elliot:
Oh, Dr. Cox?

Dr. Cox:
Awww, dammmit!

Dr. Cox:
[whispering, to Turk] You stole my moment... and you will pay.

[discussing an argument between Elliot and Alex, an attractive social worker J.D. is dating]

Chris Turk:
So, who'd you side with?

J.D.:
Neither; I just pretended I was paged, and then when they said they didn't hear anything, I called them both liars and ran away.

Chris Turk:
Smooth.

J.D.:
Mr. Daniels, some fluid has gathered in your heart, so I'm going to schedule a pericardial centesis and drain it with a needle.

Mr. Daniels:
Someone's going to stick a needle in my chest?

J.D.:
Not just someone; Dr. Daman

Mr. Daniels:
Who's Dr. Daman?

J.D.:
...Say it - -say it without the Dr.

Mr. Daniels:
Who's Mr. Daman

J.D.:
No, just say the last name.

Mr. Daniels:
Who's Da Man?

J.D.:
I'M THE MAN! [laughs] It was awesome - it was fun doing that with you.

Elliot:
[after spending the day flashing her breasts at male patients to make them better] I have magic breasts.

[Turk explains Papa Smurf's version of leadership]

Chris Turk:
Smurfination, smurfination, and smurf.

J.D.:
Presentation, inspiration, and fear?

Chris Turk:
You know, I love how kids of divorce really have the market cornered on family dysfunction. But let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household: It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jabari - formerly Bob - gives my father attitude for using the word black, even though he's referring to the turkey. Which, by the way, only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bi-polar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss... and we hug... and we apologize for all the things we said... 'Cause a month later, we gonna get together and do it again at Christmas!

Dr. Cox:
Boy oh boy, does it look like you pissed off the wrong guy there, crunchy! And trust me, he'll make ya pay.

Dr. Clock:
Oh, Dr. Kelso's all bluster. Underneath it all, I'll bet he's a sweetheart.

Dr. Cox:
No no, underneath it all, he is pure evil.

Dr. Clock:
Perry, no one's pure evil! I mean, yes, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside, everybody has a creamy center.

Dr. Cox:
There are plenty of people, here, on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and on the inside!

Dr. Clock:
So they'd have more of a nougaty center?

Dr. Cox:
Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.

Dr. Clock:
[rubbing Dr. Cox's stomach and speaking in a sing-song voice] I'm touching your creamy center!

Dr. Cox:
[while JD is coming up behind Dr. Cox] Oh, I am so very angry that I'm going to find someone to kill just to prove her wrong.

[JD sneaks away while ominous music plays]

Dr. Kelso:
Perry, what's our plan of attack?

Dr. Cox:
When I crush a person's spirit, I like to use a combination of intimidation and degradation.

Dr. Kelso:
I prefer to create an environment in which the subjects end up crushing themselves.

Dr. Cox:
[intrigued] Uh-huh.

Janitor:
[while JD is coming up behind the Janitor] I like to pick one person and torment them relentlessly for no reason. If I could find them, I'd show you.

[JD sneaks away while ominous music plays]

Janitor:
He's near...

J.D.:
[thinking] Wait, is she into me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs.

J.D.:
You hear about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had noBODY to go with.

Neena:
A ha ha ha! That's really funny!

J.D.:
[thinking] Oh that's not a fair test, that joke's hilarious.

Dr. Cox:
I... I'm sorry. Um... crazy person says what?

Jordan:
[angry] What?

Dr. Cox:
Atta girl. [nods]

Carla:
Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?

Chris Turk:
I think you mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? Wus'UP

Dr. Cox:
Oh, my God! I just gagged and vomited at the same time. I gavomited.

Chris Turk:
Woman, I was covered in BEES!

J.D.:
What an odd-sized explosion...

Chris Turk:
[being forced to take Elliot to the Honey Festival] I love large groups of white people eating pollen.

J.D.:
Oh my God, the janitor's afraid of Carla! How can I use this to my advantage?

[Cut to a fantasy where Carla is confronting the janitor]

Carla:
Listen, I want you to lay off J.D.! Stop accusing him of things he didn't do. And bring him a fruit smoothie every day!

Janitor:
[In Spanish] Would he like strawberry or banana?

Carla:
[In Spanish]... Purple tree car with cheese.

Janitor:
[In Spanish] LIAR!

[He removes her mask, revealing J.D]

J.D.:
Feliz Navidad...

[He retreats. Cut back to reality]

J.D.:
I'd have to learn Spanish.

[Carla's assisting Turk in surgery]

Chris Turk:
Scalpel.

Carla:
Scalpel what?

Chris Turk:
Scalpel, please.

Carla:
Here you go, baby. Sorry: Dr. Baby.

[She giggles. Dr. Wen interrupts]

Dr. Wen:
[to Turk] Shall we proceed, Dr. Baby?

Dr. Cox:
By the by, this moment is so great that I would cheat on that other moment with it, marry it, and raise a family of tiny little moments.

Dr. Cox:
I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.

Dr. Kelso:
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you can't schedule love.

Dr. Cox:
I think your credit card statement would beg to differ.

Dr. Kelso:
I got you a present for your trip to Mexico. It's my old Spanish to English dictionary. I don't need it anymore, I've mastered the language.

Dr. Clock:
Gracias, Se?or.

Dr. Kelso:
You're welcomo.

J.D.:
Ahh. Uncomfortable silences and alcohol. Just like thanksgiving at home...

Elliot:
If there's one thing I've learned at this hospital, it's to never antagonize your boss or the people who makes the food, because you end up eating poo.

Janitor:
[Dr. Cox took Janitor's camera and ripped out the film] Hey, all my pictures were in there. Dead patient with fancy shirt, dead patient without fancy shirt, me in fancy shirt being yelled at by angry family.

Dr. Cox:
[to a teen who has stopped taking her epilepsy medication] If this continues, you will be dead. And I'm not talking about the "Oh, my God, if I don't get invited to the prom, I'm going to die" type of dead, I'm talking *dead*, dead. Is that clear enough for you? Because if it's not, I could of course text you on my Blackberry or my Blueberry or my Chuck Berry... although technically Chuck Berry is a blackberry... the point is, you gotta stop wasting everyone's time and grow up. Is that clear to you, sweetheart?

Dr. Cox:
[about Doug] I swear, that young man has killed so many people, I'm starting to think he just might be a government agent.

Janitor:
Now, to me, that sounds like your fault... Shocking? [J.D. walks away] Where ya going? Stay and play!

J.D.:
I have a quick legal question. What if... hypothetically...

Ted:
Oh, God, you killed someone!

J.D.:
No!

Ted:
Someone else did?

Dr. Cox:
If I have to see one more broken down piece of equipment, one more Gomer who is shuffled back and forth between some godforsaken home, one more patient who is denied treatment because they got the wrong insurance, I... There are times when I'm all by myself and I concentrate as hard as I can to see if I can't make myself catch on fire like the Human Torch. And mark my words, newbie, if I ever pull it off, I will be back to destroy this place.

J.D.:
I used to like the Silver Surfer. Hang ten!

Dr. Kelso:
Nothing worth having comes easy.

Todd:
So, once you've got the hole at the bottom of the popcorn box, it's basically just a waiting game.

Doug:
And for the record, that technique does not work with hot nachos.

[referring to a huge influx of patients because of a news report on E.coli]

J.D.:
What the hell are we supposed to do?

Dr. Cox:
Loretta, relax. I've been involved in every ridiculous TV induced panic there is - poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, Monkeypox, pop rocks, toilet snakes, Mad Cow, Bird Flu, Swine Flu, and quite frankly every other flu that you could really only catch if you actually fornicated with the animal it's named for. And as a parting gift, I will tell you this - narrow it down to two symptoms; vomiting and diarrhea. Cause it's just not E.coli unless [walking away, miming] it's firing out of both exits.

J.D.:
[to Elliot] Certainly hope I don't have Dog Flu.

[classroom full of residents are unruly and not paying attention to Dr. Cox. The entire room suddenly becomes silent at the sight of Dr. Cox fuming]

J.D.:
Uh-oh.

Dr. Cox:
First off, let me just say, thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollypops, and lets face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies, and that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because you see I [pointing at self] am accountable. I am accountable for the continuous, crashing, undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out. And believe you me when I tell you that the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass outa here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five.

Janitor:
Gentlemen. Crazy-Eyes Margo. I've called the Brain Trust together for one reason. I have to find a way to make Blonde Doctor mine.

Randall:
Burn down her apartment.

Troy:
I have an idea. But we're going to need a tugboat.

Janitor:
Tugboats and arson, that's all I ever get from you guys.

J.D.:
[after learning Kylie has a boyfriend] Ahh! I can't believe it's over.

Chris Turk:
Dude, it might not be that serious. There might be a window, but you have to get in there and fish for information. [getting more excited] Okay, you do *not* want to lose this hottie! She is a slamming hottie! And you do not...

Carla:
Turk...

Chris Turk:
Sorry.

J.D.:
I got this. Baby, you know you're his world!

Bouncer:
Okay, you're in.

J.D.:
Word.

Bouncer:
Uh! You're out.

Chris Turk:
Let me handle this. Look man, homie here is a little out of his mizzle, so I'm just saying for just a little dizzle, if you let him up in this pizzle, he'll be all chizzle.

Bouncer:
You out, too.

Dr. Cox:
Is that a cat being gutted by a fishing knife? No! That's my son. He's hungry and he's got a load in his pants so big I'm actually considering hiring a stable boy.

Elliot:
A person doesn't have to be perfect to be exactly what you need.

Carla:
Who put my stapler on the floor? [as she bends over to pick it up, Todd peeks from the corner]

Todd:
[sing-song] Thong! [Carla slaps him] Face five. Oh, yeah!

[giving an orientation lecture to the new interns]

Ted:
And if you perform while under the influence... don't tell the patient. Unless they're dead, and in that case, if you're sure... very, very sure... you can tell them anything.

[Turk threatens to sue Dr. Kelso]

Dr. Kelso:
I can make little Dr. Turk action figures. They'll cost $12.95, and when you pull the string it goes "I don't like these posters of me!" Isn't that right, Ned?

Ted:
Oh, definitely, sir. But... from a legal standpoint, you'd be somewhat vulnerable...

Dr. Kelso:
How vulnerable?

Ted:
Sir, that law suit would be over so quickly I would advise you to bring cab fare to the courthouse, since Dr. Turk would be driving your Beamer back to his place.

Dr. Kelso:
Come here, Tom.

Ted:
Actually, it's Ted. But hey, it's only been twelve years.

Todd:
That was really big of you to take the blame for Elliot. Just yesterday I really wanted to spank her.

Chris Turk:
Why, did she mess up a patient for you, too?

Todd:
No.

Dr. Cox:
[to J.D] Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact the wall in which you're leaning against, of course, then you would be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it, I'll tackle that one right upstairs. In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work, and right about now, even though you don't have your basket, its just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley... skip away... skip away... skip away, skip, skip, skip to my loo, woohoo!

Janitor:
Door is broke. Fifth time or so it won't open.

J.D.:
Maybe there's a penny stuck in there.

Janitor:
Why a penny?

J.D.:
No reason.

Janitor:
You stick a penny in there?

J.D.:
No, I was just making small talk.

Janitor:
If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

Dr. Cox:
The man's 92 years old, he has full dementia, he doesn't even know we're here. He is inches from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched.

Carla:
Aw, that is so sweet.

Dr. Cox:
Yeah, it is...

J.D.:
What about his subconscious?

Dr. Cox:
[leaning down to the patients ear] Eisenhower... was a sissy. [he rears back and puts his dukes up. Nothing happens. He turns to JD] I think, by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay. Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk.

Janitor:
[Janitor wants to go out with Elliot and asks Ted for advice] How did you get a girlfriend?

Ted:
I became friends with her best friend.

Janitor:
How'd you do that?

Ted:
I pretended to be her dad and rented her a car.

Ted:
[Janitor looks surprised] I lost my hair in the 8th grade.

Dr. Kelso:
I'm being honored tonight by the Board of Trustees, and they asked me to say a few words.

Dr. Cox:
Oh! Yawn.

Dr. Kelso:
Anyway, I would like you to be the one who introduces me.

Dr. Cox:
Wow! Seriously?

Dr. Kelso:
Yeah!

Dr. Cox:
Not interested.

Dr. Kelso:
I didn't ask if you were interested.

Dr. Cox:
Bob, I deeply dislike you. Honestly, it keeps me up at night.

Dr. Kelso:
Well, then, use that passion! Put that rage on the page!

Dr. Cox:
Here's an idea: Why not use Big Chief Flop-Sweat, here?

Dr. Kelso:
[coldly] Ted's not an impressive man.

Ted:
Hey...! That - Ah, he's right.

Dr. Kelso:
Sweet dancing Jehovah! I've punctured my brain.

Dr. Cox:
You're still here? I thought you'd be gone off continuing on what ever wayward journey your on.

Dan:
I just wanted to say a few things to you, Perry. I've never been much of a good example to my brother... Johnny will never look up to me, but when I see you two together he hangs on every word you say as if it's his entire world. If you ever let him down you'll answer to me.

Todd:
Ladies, now that the Todd is a resident here he wants to make things clear so you don't have to wonder any more. [points at each of the women] Yes, yes, no, yes, no, and... yes, if I've been drinkin'.

Nurse Roberts:
Come here, wonder bread.

Todd:
What's up, doll?

Nurse Roberts:
If you come this close again I will end you.

Todd:
I'm changing you to a yes because you're feisty.

Dr. Kelso:
Ketchup is for winners, Ted!

J.D.:
[to his interns] Now... that tumor's looking so big... it's beginning to look like a threemor... [laughs stupidly]

[JD and Turk are walking outside the hospital when a computer falls from the building and lands in front of them; Dr. Cox is sticking his body out a high story window]

Dr. Cox:
Sorry, girls, I seemed to have dropped my computer... meh-ya.

[JD is standing at the reception office when Dr. Cox walks into the hospital]

J.D.:
Dr. Cox, can I ask you something?

Dr. Cox:
I'd say you're about a B-cup, Susan.

J.D.:
Sticks and stones may break my bones... [inner monologue] but words will hurt me forever.

Dr. Cox:
I'm gonna go ahead and give you back one of these Man Cards. You deserve it.

J.D.:
Wow... Wanna hug?

Dr. Cox:
[taking the card back] You held on to it as long as you could, didn't you?

Dr. Cox:
I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five Man Cards. Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise, I'm going to take one from you.

J.D.:
I don't need your approval, or your stupid Man Cards! Although the lettering is darling. Have you ever done calligraphy?

Dr. Cox:
[snatching one of the cards] Thank you.

J.D.:
Dammit!

Dr. Cox:
Listen up, little piggy. You open up this door in the next three seconds, or I will start huffing and puffing.

J.D.:
But Dr. Cox, I...

[Dr. Cox puffs out his cheeks, and holds up one finger, then two... ]

J.D.:
Okay, okay, okay!

Janitor:
[JD is at the reception desk, sad] Girl problems?

J.D.:
How did you know?

Janitor:
Well, you look like you've got problems, you're a girl. Hence, girl problems. Watch your nails. [Slams down hinged door]

Dr. Kelso:
[after wanting rounds back] Dr. Cox, could I talk to you for a second?

Dr. Cox:
Okay, Bobbo. But you're just gonna have to put your hand up like the other interns.

Dr. Kelso:
Please?

Dr. Cox:
Come on now, Bobbo. You've got five good ones right there. Just put 'em in the air like you just don't care.

Dr. Kelso:
Get here right now!

Ted:
Yes... no... I'm barely here, sir.

Ted:
[to Kelso] Walk off, b*tch!

Dr. Cox:
How is it, exactly, that you just said that & your pants are still dry?

Ted:
Don't you understand what you did when you addressed those interns?... You took away the fear! You... are a wonderful man... and... I love you.

Ted:
I'll never get a raise without the help of senior staff like yourself.

Dr. Kelso:
Not a chance, Ted.

Ted:
Well you did what you could.

Elliot:
J.D., I really don't wanna do this. Can't we just go home, and put on our PJ's, and watch "Grey's Anatomy"?

J.D.:
Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and then just put it on TV.

[Turk is using an endoscope to find a hernia inside a patient]

Bonnie:
We're so lost.

Turk:
We're not lost.

Bonnie:
Go left, here.

Turk:
It's a right.

Bonnie:
You passed his Cooper's ligament three times already. Just stop and ask for directions!

Turk:
Do you want to drive this thing? 'Cause I will pull - I will pull this thing over and let you drive this thing!

Dr. Cox:
Honestly, I haven't been this happy since Christmas when I was seven years old and my father showed me how to make a snow angel. Actually, he was passed out drunk in the yard... But I did take his arms and his legs and move them back and forth... And... th-the paramedics said it was one of the finest snow angels that they'd ever seen. So, maybe the fact that I am the kinder, gentler Cox is every last bit of okay. Maybe it's a... a natural progression. It's not like there's any real ramifications... [laughs]... right?

Dr. Cox:
I don't have any answers for any of you - now please leave me alone.

Gloria:
But my boyfriend is bi-curious and wants me to pick his lovers for him!

Dr. Cox:
Okay, I do have an answer for that... Eww...?

Nurse Roberts:
Why don't you try some of my world famous deviled eggs?

Dr. Cox:
No thanks, I already had diarrhea today.

Dr. Cox:
[talking to J.D. and Elliot who have been promoted to co-chief residents] You have a bunch of monkey interns. It's your job as co-chief residents to catch whatever they're flinging!

Random Nurse:
You know doctor, I'm getting a little tired of your sexual innuendo.

Todd:
In your endo.

J.D.:
[J.D refused to watch over a patient, resulting in Dr Cox being unable to go to a dinner with his ex-wife. He sees Jordan approaching]

[voice over]

J.D.:
Oh no! If Jordan finds out it was me who screwed up her date she'll give me the evil eye and twist my nipples off.

J.D.:
[she gives him the evil eye]

[voice over]

J.D.:
Oh no, she knows!

[his hands fly to his nipples]

Dr. Kelso:
Are you an idiot?

J.D.:
No, sir, I'm a dreamer.

Dr. Cox:
[Dr. Kelso gives him a latte] Boy oh boy, you are really digging the heck out of this "secret friendship" thing.

Dr. Kelso:
Well, it has all the thrills of an affair without all that exhausting sex.

Janitor:
Sorry guys. We won't be going out tonight.

Ted:
Oh man. I ironed my going out hair!

Dr. Cox:
I need you to come upstairs and talk to a young black girl who will not let me call her mom.

Turk:
Why would she listen to me?

Dr. Cox:
I may have told her you were Kayne West.

Turk:
I'm actually alright with that.

Dr. Kelso:
Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's getting heat stroke!

[about the tattoo on his ass that says 'Johnny']

Dr. Kelso:
And Johnny's got a tattoo on his left cheek that says 'Bobbie'.

Brian Dancer:
...I bet he doesn't regret that at all.

J.D.:
Half of what rappers say doesn't make any sense. Like that Snoop Dogg Dr.Dre song? What is "still hittin' them corners and those ho-hos girl" mean?

Turk:
Many diadvantaged African-Americans have limited nutritional choices, therefore they must subsist of Ho-Ho snack cakes. It's a black thing, bra.

Dr. Clock:
Actually, Turk, it's "still hittin' them corners and those low-lows girl". It's low-lows, not ho-hos.

Elliot:
See, Turk, in the hood, a low-low is a low rider, or a car with an adjusted suspension which allows it to bounce up and down. [Elliot and Molly both inmitate bouncing]

J.D.:
[laughs] Ha-ha-ha.

Elliot:
And Dre and Snoop like driving around together in their low riders around the corners, or lizzle-rizzles. [starts rapping] I'm representin' for them gangsters all across the world!

Dr. Clock:
Still hittin' them corners and them low-lows girls!

Elliot, Dr. Clock:
I'm takin' my time to perfect the beat, and I still got love for da street!

Carla:
Turk, you just got schooled on rap by the two whitest chicks in America!

Turk:
None of you can prove it.

J.D.:
I got it on tape.

Elliot, Dr. Clock:
Whicka, whicka, whicka. [imitating scratching discs]

Turk:
Well, you're better off watching good ol' Papa Smurf, here! Yeah, he says leadership boils down to three things: Smurferation, Smurferation, Smurf.

J.D.:
Preparation, Inspiration, and Fear?

Turk:
You know it.

Dr. Cox:
How, uh, how old is this patient?

Elliot:
Seventy-nine.

Dr. Cox:
And... how old would you say he was when you started this procedure?

Elliot:
[thinking] The more I thought about how awesome Molly is, the more I got sick of Dr. Cox's crap.

Dr. Cox:
Oh my God, I could fly to China, adopt a child, raise her, send her to medical school, and then train her to do this procedure in the time it's taking you to finish.

Elliot:
[thinking] Enough! He's never been there for you! Burn this bridge once and for all!

Dr. Cox:
Barbie, honest to God, if you...

Elliot:
You know what, Dr. Cox? I have so had it with this whole macho alpha-male thing, and I have heard every tired, recycled put-down you have in you. So, from now on, save your stupid lessons for someone who gives a frick, because honestly, I don't even wanna see you or the stupid poodle perm of yours unless it's walking away from me.

Turk:
Dude, I've got my own problems! I've got a bedtime again! I haven't had a bedtime in like twelve years!

J.D.:
You had a bedtime when you were seventeen?

Turk:
No! Not every night. On the weekends I didn't have to be in bed by 11, but I had to be in my room.

J.D.:
Oh. That's way cooler.

Turk:
The point is Carla's setting some kind of record on being a major pain in the ass, and I can't help you.

Carla:
Turk! It's bedtime.

Turk:
Baby, when you said we'd go to sleep at the same time, I thought you meant you'd stay up until I went to sleep.

Carla:
[snickering] Turk. That's crazy talk!

Turk:
The guys are here and it's the ninth inning!

Dr. Cox:
Oh, whoa, now. What happened to - what happened to feisty Barbie, huh? You know, it took me a helluva lot to shake off that tongue-lashing you gave me yesterday.

Elliot:
Yeah, well, yesterday I had a mentor, but she turned out to be insane. I mean, how am I supposed to take professional advice from somebody who can't even hold together their personal life?

Dr. Cox:
Look, I know you and I have never really connected - maybe that's because you're relentlessly annoying, or maybe it's my fault because I can't tolerate relentlessly annoying people - I don't know. But answer me one question: Do you think I'm a good teacher?

Elliot:
To some people.

Dr. Cox:
Fair enough. Why don't we go ahead and take a look at my personal life? I am in love with a woman that I hate, my two-year-old son calls me "Pewwy," and - this is something that I've never actually shared with anybody before, but - on Saturday nights, I like to throw on a nice dress, go out to dive bars, and insist that everybody call me Mrs. Haberdasher!

Elliot:
[laughs, then thinks] No, you don't.

Dr. Cox:
Well, even if I did, it wouldn't really matter since that has nothing to do with how good of a teacher I am. Stick with me here, Barbie. The point is that if you finally found somebody who makes you believe in yourself as much as you did yesterday, well, I would think twice before I wrote that person off.

J.D.:
Okay, everybody, gather around please?

Dr. Cox:
Newbie, I need to talk to you?

J.D.:
I'm a little busy right now, Perry!

Dr. Cox:
Oh. My fault, I'll come back later.

J.D.:
Oh, and another thing, From now on, I'd prefer it if you'd address me as "Dr. Dorian."

Dr. Cox:
[sotto] Are you really doing this?

J.D.:
[sotto] You bet your ass I am. And from now on, if you have a problem with me, you come see me in private, not in front of my boys! My boys got enough to worry about!

Dr. Cox:
[sotto] Wrap it up, there, bingo.

J.D.:
I simply will not tolerate it, Perry! And neither will my boys!

Dr. Cox:
[sotto] The next minute you find yourself alone, I'm gonna kill ya.

J.D.:
[sotto] It was worth it.

Carla:
Mm? Wha? Wha? Oooh. It's morning already?

Turk:
No. But I could see how you'd think that, being that it's light out and we're in bed. Baby, since we got married, I've done every little thing you've asked me to do. But I will not have my woman tell me when I need to go to bed! Okay!

Carla:
Okay.

Turk:
Really, that quick?

Carla:
I love it when you're all "my woman this, my woman that."

J.D.:
As I watched Elliot and Molly walk off, and thought about how Lonnie was a much less stable giant doctor base than Turk, I realized how important it is to have someone close to you that you can count on.

J.D.:
[into recorder] Mrs. MacCalla, 40s, moderately attractive, condition improving.

Mrs. MacCalla:
Did you just say I was moderately attractive?

J.D.:
Excuse me, Mrs. MacCalla. [into recorder] Patient's complaint of hearing loss was clearly just to get attention.

Dr. Cox:
Tell you what, there, Gidget, if you promise to leave right now, I won't yell at you in front of your peons anymore.

J.D.:
You ruined my credibility! Now look me in the eyes and tell me that's not messed up!

Dr. Cox:
Fair enough. Later on today when you are with your residents, I'll come up for something, you'll tell me you're too busy in a manly way, and I will contritely turn around and walk out of the room with my tail between my legs. Problem solved.

J.D.:
Can you pull off contrite?

Dr. Cox:
Can you pull off manly way?

J.D.:
Should have seen that coming.

Dr. Cox:
Gloria, you're supposed to start at 7 o'clock and it's now 7. 03.

J.D.:
I'm sorry I was late but I was singing and I fell. And I know I've used the falling excuse before but it's happened again

Elliot:
[thinking] There's Dr. Kelso. Okay, you're chief resident now, so say hi. But don't stop, or you'll have to come up with something else to say, and you know you don't improvise well.

Elliot:
Hi, Dr. Kelso!

Dr. Kelso:
Dr. Reid.

[she stops]

Elliot:
I see you've trimmed your nose hair!

[Dr. Kelso looks at her]

Elliot:
[thinking] Frick on a stick!

J.D.:
You're okay buttercup?

Julie Quinn:
The glass broke in my month

Janitor:
Wow, she looks like a young Carla

Carla:
Hey Turk, guess what?

Turk:
She's not a guy honey. And besides Young Carla is a compliment

Carla:
Really? So how would you feel if I'd say hey it's skinny Turk

Turk:
So, when am I gonna get to meet Julie?

J.D.:
Do I want her to meet Turk this soon? What if he doesn't like her?

Turk:
What are you doing?

J.D.:
I'm saying all my thoughts out loud so that I don't mess this relationship up

Turk:
I don't understand

J.D.:
I forgot, sometimes Turk is slow. You know what? It's time for her to meet the people in my life. I think she's gonna do great

Julie Quinn:
Did you know, J.D's parents thought he was gonna be a girl. They didn't have a name ready when he was born, so until he was 3 years old they called him Joana

Dr. Cox:
I don't know who you are, but thank you for this

Jordan:
Could we go somewhere less collage-y? One of the boys here could be the baby I gave up in high school

Dr. Cox:
Heeello! What we have here is a visual representation of how alcohol affects people of different ages. We have the young:

Julie Quinn:
Morning.

Dr. Cox:
The slightly older:

Elliot:
Please stop talking!

Dr. Cox:
The slightly older still again:

Carla:
[gibberish]

Dr. Cox:
And at last the very, very, very, very old; she is the unconscious and virtually unwakeable. Witness... [proceeds to shake Jordan in an attempt to wake her]

Dr. Cox:
Joana, now i'm not much for this sensitive crap but darn now you finally found someone who is willing to let you annoy them instead of me.

Dr. Kelso:
I have it on good authority that she's a dude.

Carla:
I made that stuff up.

Dr. Kelso:
In that case, it's time for her to meet Bob Kelso, licensed hetero!

Elliot:
Why is Julie behind that bush crying?

J.D.:
Who knows? Could be anything! You know what's interesting Turk, she's not saying that's so sad. She's actually crying

Turk:
You're an Idiot

J.D.:
Yes I am

Julie Quinn:
That's so funny! That's so funny! Look how big that pancake is that's so funny

J.D.:
[whispering at Turk] Make-her-stop

Dr. Cox:
...there is not such thing as a perfect person...

Turk:
If you found someone to make you happy by just sitting around and holding hands, then eventually all the other stuff won't matter

Dr. Kelso:
People think I'm a clueless old geezer but nothing happens in this hallways without passing by me

J.D.:
You used to be afraid of commitment, too. Then somehow you got over it and now you're married.

Turk:
That's because I was never as bad as you.

J.D.:
Oh, really? Remember Whitney "The Snapper"?

Turk:
Ahhhhhhhhh! [flashback to Turk in college dorm room with attractive girl]

Turk:
Thanks for paying for dinner.

Whitney:
And for dessert, you're gonna get a little Whitney [snaps] a- [snaps] la- [snaps] mode!

Turk:
[makes horrified face] Get out.

Turk:
[being introduced to Julie's godfather, Billy Dee Williams] Lando Calrissian!

Billy Dee Williams:
Call me Billy Dee.

Turk:
Yes, Lando.

Turk:
J.D., this is an intervention. First off, I just want to say everyone here loves you, this is a safe space. But you're such a committ-a-phobe! Every time you date a girl with potential you wind up ruining it over some trivial reason. Let's think about some of the great girls you let slip through your fingers: Kylie, Jaime, Gift Shop Girl, Minnie McSkinny, Mole Butt, Tina Two-Kids, Rumplefugly... I'm forgetting someone...

Carla:
[narrating] Oh, my God, Turk... if you forget Elliot she's gonna cry. [out loud, while nodding towards Elliot who's starting to moan] Turk, aren't you forgetting the greatest girl of them all?...

Turk:
[snapping his fingers] Heidi Horse-Face!

Elliot:
[almost crying] Me, Turk... she's talking about me, OK?

J.D.:
Relax, Elliot... you're Mole Butt.

Elliot:
[moved] Really? Sorry, Turk...

Carla:
J.D., there's somebody else here who wants to say something...

Billy Dee Williams:
Don't mess this up, man... be smooth.

Turk:
Lando's right.

Billy Dee Williams:
Billy Dee!

Turk:
[mouthing] Lando...

Dr. Cox:
Joanna, now I'm not much for this sensitive crap... but, darn it all, you've found someone who's willing to let you annoy them instead of me.

Elliot:
Don't screw this up, J.D., or you'll just gonna end up where you always do: lying on that couch in a fetal position wishing you hadn't driven another one away.

Dr. Cox:
If Jordan were conscious, she'd... she'd agree [Jordan sits unconscious on the couch; she has a fake arrow through her head] Oh, now, who put that fake arrow through her head? Eh? Which one of you?... It was me... I did it...

Turk:
If you really love someone you've got to be willing to break their spirit.

The Janitor:
[answering the emergency phone] Batcave!

Dr. Kelso:
Uh, Perry, I just spoke to my cardiologist and he said if you hadn't discovered my high blood pressure, it may have resulted in my case of, um, death.

Dr. Cox:
Huh?

Dr. Kelso:
Thanks.

Dr. Cox:
[thinking] MUST... FIGHT URGE... TO RUB IT IN HIS FACE!

Dr. Kelso:
I owe you one.

Dr. Cox:
[thinking] MUST... RUB... SOMETHING... IN SOMEONE'S FACE!

[turns to an unconscious patient]

Dr. Cox:
How's that coma going for ya there, pal? [thinking] Much better!

Dr. Perry Cox:
[rapidly] Kelso asked me to give him a physical. I did it and he said "thank you" and told me he owed me one.

Dr. Gross:
You actually made a decision that benefited you personally and professionally?

Dr. Perry Cox:
Well, a resident kind of talked me into it.

Dr. Gross:
Come on, you're telling me that you actually took the advice of another human being? [Cox nods] This is a great moment for me.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Congratulations.

Dr. Gross:
Thank you. And Perry, if there's someone in your life at that hell hole of a hospital who you actually listen to, you should do everything in your power to keep them around, because that person is nothing short of a genius.

[cuts to J.D. in elevator]

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
[sings] Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting!

Carla:
This is about you not being able to commit, because committing means saying goodbye to whatever unfulfilled fantasy of love you've concocted after seeing too many Meg Ryan movies. But men don't come and make everything all better - they're only human. And you shouldn't punish him because you were forced to grow up so fast you never learned how to let someone else take care of you. He's not your father, okay, he's not necessarily gonna disappear at the first sign of trouble. And, as scary as it is to consider letting yourself be truly vulnerable with another human being, what's even scarier is that deep down inside you know you picked this man... and if you run away from him now, you'll be running away from being the kind of person you always wanted to be.

Dr. Gross:
I got very drunk last night and I decided that I'm not giving up on you. So... how'd you do with my counting exercise?

Dr. Cox:
Honestly I tried it once and thought it was stupid.

Dr. Gross:
That's it. We're done.

Dr. Cox:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... you're dumping me?

Dr. Gross:
[sarcastically] I hope we can remain friends.

Dr. Cox:
[sarcastically too] Oh, now, please, don't take away the privilege of letting me pay you $200 an hour so I can drag my ass in here and watch you nod. God knows the only other place I can get that on the planet is my Brett Favre bobble-head doll.

Dr. Gross:
Fine! You wanna know what I really think? Your problem isn't that you make bad choices; it's that you identify the good choice and then intentionally do the opposite. It's... you see, behind this boorish bravado of yours, is a paralysing fear of letting anyone into your life! And it isn't because [mocking] you weren't loved when you were a kid... it's because you're so egocentric that the love wasn't enough! So you pulled pigtails and you pushed the fat kids into the dirt so no one could ignore little Perry. Well, little Perry is now 40 years old... and you're so invested in this narcissistic notion of yourself as "loner" that you can't quit! And you'll just keep dumping on everyone around you until eventually, and please trust me on this, there won't be anyone left.

Bratty Kid:
Why are your pants tight? Clowns are supposed to wear pants that are baggy.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
Because, Brad, I'm the kind of clown that likes to wear tight pants.

Bratty Kid:
The other clown wears baggy pants

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
What other clown?

The Janitor:
[Children point to where Janitor is standing] Hello, old friend.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
Janitor.

Lonnie:
Mr Miller passed away and I thought that since I'm kind of new of this, you could notify his family.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
What, you steal my research project and now you want me to do your dirty work?

Lonnie:
Dr Cox said if you said that to say that's right, Melinda.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
I think what angry disturbed clown is trying to teach us is it's never okay to push other people over.

The Janitor:
[Pushes J.D over as all the children laugh]

Dr. Miller:
Why are you smiling?

Dr. Perry Cox:
I'm just glad you finally ended up on my side of the camp.

Dr. Miller:
I'm an adult, I don't go to camp. Listen, if Dr Kelso was going to take me somewhere which was actually going to help my career, I'd be gone so fast you'd be left here staring at an imaginary woman's chest.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Oh, I'm sorry. That dress your wearing just screams respect me as a doctor.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Position one, two or three?

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
We only had two positions.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Oh. Well, I've got something to show you later.

Elliot:
[on the phone] I can't believe you've been in New Zealand for 5 months.

Sean Kelly:
I... I can't believe you still haven't figured out the time difference; it's 4am here.

Elliot:
Guys! Three long years of busting my hump at this place and it has finally paid off!

J.D.:
You got the fellowship?

Elliot:
No! I get to be the clown in Pediatrics!

Carla:
Heeeey! That old clown was really good. So, uh, you got some really big shoes to fill!

[she laughs, but everyone else just looks at her blankly]

Carla:
Dammit, I'm funny!

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
Hey, Laverne. What'd you give me if I get this jelly bean into your cleavage?

Nurse Laverne Roberts:
A concussion.

Dr. Cox:
You're black? 'Cause last I checked you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond, and you damn sure act like a black guy and these are all characteristics of white guys. Please understand, I'm a huge supporter of the NAACP. If you're don't know what that stands for, it's the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the 'colored people' to 'African Americans' but then of course it wouldn't be the NAACP it'd be the N quad A or NAAAA. And I know this probably sounds like a digression but actually brings me back to my original point... Do I think you're black? Naaaaaaaaa!

Janitor:
[Assisting with the care of a seizure patient] This is easy, just like drowning someone.

[JD is making a video project to send to his mother]

J.D.:
Dr. Cox, do you have anything you'd like to say to my mom?

Dr. Cox:
No, but I have something I'd like to say to her uterus, because it brought you into this world. [Smacks camera and shakes finger] Bad uterus! Don't do that anymore!

Nurse Laverne Roberts:
Dr. Turk is not aware that Lonnie was all-conference at Villanova.

Dr. Cox:
Laverne, would you go ahead and thank what's-his-name for me.

Nurse Laverne Roberts:
Jesus?

Dr. Cox:
That's him.

[the janitor is holding a patients legs down]

Janitor:
This is easy. Just like drowning someone.

Janitor:
I guess I just never realized how you pick up just from working here. I heard someone yell 'Hold that woman's legs down!' and I instinctively knew what to do.

Janitor:
But I didn't even see the demon leave the body.

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
I'm sure it did.

Dr. Cox:
[Dr. Cox and JD examine a patient with locked-in syndrome, who communicates via computer] Go ahead and check Mr. McNair's blood pressure, please, Eva.

Mr. McNair:
I don't get it - Why does he call you a girl's name?

J.D.:
Thank you for asking, Mr. McNair. You see, the thing about Dr. Cox is that, the closer he feels to a person, the more he needs to push them away. So when he calls me Eva, he's actually saying, "JD, I care about you!" Vulnerable people like Dr. Cox...

Mr. McNair:
Oh my god! I get it now, Carol. Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol...

J.D.:
Now you're being a jerk! Jerk! Jerk!

Dr. Cox:
Newbie! I'm relatively certain that the computer is broken.

J.D.:
Oh, my bad.

Janitor:
[the Janitor is using a drill with a fork in the front grip to twirl a patients Spagehttie] Drill Fork you can Drill and Fork. But Mostly Fork.

Janitor:
I got alot of other invention. [Janitor stabs a pen into a soda can] Pen straw. Don't like that cola though. tastes like ink.

Janitor:
Knife wrench; practical and safe! [puts in his pocket and stabs his leg] argh... aaargh.

Nurse:
Knock, knock.

Janitor:
[in head] Who's there?

Janitor:
[in head] Nurse mophead.

Janitor:
[in head] Nurse mophead who?

Janitor:
[in head] You have a mophead.

Turk:
They call me candy man because my moves are so sweet.

[the Janitor has lied about the time to Kelso, and thereby, Kelso went late to an appointment]

Dr. Kelso:
Thanks to your little telling-me-the-wrong-time-prank, I was 45 minutes late for my oriental massage, which meant that instead of Pang-Wa, I had to settle for Ching-Dau.

Janitor:
So?

Dr. Kelso:
Ching-Dau is a *DUDE*!

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
Wow... aren't you the big bad ass attending?

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Yeah, well, it's time for them to sink or swim. I got to where I am on my own, OK?

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
Nobody helped you out in the beginning, huh?

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Dr Cox was my attending. He was nice enough to keep track of the times he made me cry.

Dr. Cox:
[passing by, counting and moving his fingers] 27, counting this morning.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Mh... yeah. I'm PMSing and he made fun of my shoes.

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
Keith... you better not tell her who did it.

Keith:
But Elliot scares me...

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
Elliot is a blonde 108-pound ski pole form a cul de sac in Connecticut; I am an underpaid pregnant nurse from the block, who, over the next six months, will become fattier and angrier. Now... who are you really afraid of?

Keith:
The fatty...?

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
Be careful, Keith...

J.D.:
Hey, Dr. Kelso. [gives him a pat on the back]

Dr. Kelso:
[thinking] I actually don't mind that goofy bastard. If he were gay, he'd be perfect for my son. Harrison has been looking for a new power bottom. All my little worker bees, buzzing about... buzzzz... buzzz... I love making that sound... buzzz. Dr. Reid. Ever since she quit the hospital for private practice, you pretended she's invisible. So don't break stride. [walks straight past Elliot, bumping her on the shoulder deliberately and making all her files scatter across the floor] KERBLAMO!

Elliot:
HEY!

Dr. Kelso:
Skiddle-ee-dee, skiddle-ee-doo.

Janitor:
Typical Dorian. Runnin' away from an argument you know nothing about.

J.D.:
I know all about the war.

Janitor:
Really. [pulls out a globe] Point to Iraq.

J.D.:
Why do you keep a golbe on your janitor cart?

Janitor:
In case I get lost. I'll give you a hint, it's not the country shaped like a boot.

J.D.:
[points to the globe] That's Iraq.

Janitor:
That's China.

J.D.:
You're China!

Janitor:
That's an outrageous accusation.

Janitor:
Typical Dorian. Running away from a conversation you know nothing about.

J.D.:
I know all about the war in Iraq.

Janitor:
Really?

[pulls out a globe]

Janitor:
Point to Iraq.

J.D.:
Why do you have globe on your janitor cart?

Janitor:
I get lost sometimes. Now come on, and I'll give you a hint, it's not the one shaped like a boot.

J.D.:
That's Iraq.

Janitor:
That's China.

J.D.:
You're China!

Janitor:
[chuckles] What a ridiculous accusation.

[bites sandwich]

Janitor:
Needs salt. Where's my bunny? Bingo?

Elliot:
What do you think of Hilary Clinton?

Keith:
I hate that b*tch.

Dr. Kelso:
Should I play golf this weekend? [He shakes Ted's head like a Magic 8-ball]

Ted Buckland:
I'm a lawyer!

Dr. Kelso:
I said should I play golf this weekend? [He shakes Ted's head again]

Ted Buckland:
Ask again later. Why would I say that? [Dr. Kelso shakes his head again]

Janitor:
In my opinion, we should be looking for bin Laden in Pakistan.

Dr. Kelso:
Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time, I will call all the males "Daves" and all the females "Debbies".

Debbie:
Debbie is actually my name.

Dr. Kelso:
Then, out of fairness to the others, you will be Slagathor. Daves, Debbies, Slagator: I will be in my office. If you need anything feel free to bother Dorian.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Poor kid. His head's blown off... and all for nothing.

Nurse Laverne Roberts:
All for nothing? My nephew Lance is over there fighting to give those people democracy.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Oh, so that's why we're over there! And here I thought it was to root out terrorists... or was it for oil? Or for Mama Hussein's secret falafel recipe? Ah, it's so gosh darn hard to keep truck...

Elliot:
No, you liberals are right and every American agrees with you... that's why John Kerry and Al Gore both won in landslides!

Dr. Christopher Turk:
Oh, my God... Elliot, you're one of them, aren't you? [every one in the cafeteria stand still, looking at Elliot]

Elliot:
You know what? I don't need to be ashamed of this any more... yes, I'm a Republican!

Nurse:
Me too!

Dr. Mickhead:
Me too!

Keith:
Elliot! Me too!

Dr. Elliot Reid:
I wonder if they found a new head of medicine yet?

The Janitor:
Actually, they found one this morning.

Oscar the Grouch:
All right, you knuckleheads! Shape up! I'm watching you, John Dorian, and guess what? My eyes never close!

The Janitor:
Mine neither.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
[back to reality] I grew up on the street. Not the hood. Sesame Street.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
I think I see what the problem is. You have a hand inside of you.

A.M. Muppet:
That explains so many things.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
Will you stop teasing my beard? Chicks dig the extra fuzz.

Grover:
Tell me about it. And you've only got it in 2% of your body. Hey, what's up, everybody! Can I get a high four?

Dr. Todd Quinlan:
Coming at ya!

Grover:
Near... [Todd high-fives Grover so hard he flies across the room and into a wall]... Far. [Faints]

Dr. Todd Quinlan:
Grover five.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Since you're not that intelligent, I'm going to speak like a caveman from now on. You bad doctors. Me good doctor. You follow.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Why do I hate that intern?

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
Because he called you Dr. C?

Dr. Perry Cox:
Actually, I find that endearing.

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
Did he say "back in the day"?

Dr. Perry Cox:
No.

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
Did he say "back in the hizzay"?

Dr. Perry Cox:
No.

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
Does he like Hugh Jackman?

Dr. Perry Cox:
You suck at this.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
And then I realized why I thought about Sesame Street all day. In a way, you can learn everything you have to know from watching it as a kid. Like, always play nice... always try your hardest... and even, it's okay to cry.

Denise:
Fat dudes rule. They never expect commitment and they try so hard in the sack.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Plus, they're just so grateful afterward.

Dr. Perry Cox:
...And that, Dorian, is what I think of you as a person. [Hands Elliot back her cell phone]

Dr. Elliot Reid:
That sounded harsh. Are you okay?

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
[On speakerphone, crying] No!

Dr. Elliot Reid:
I thought it'd be different this time with JD. I didn't think I'd let myself get so vulnerable.

Dr. Bob Kelso:
Well that's dumb! Relationships are about taking a leap of faith. That's why it's called "jumping in." Now Dorian seems to make you happy,god knows why, isn't that enough?

Dr. Cox:
[Dr. Cox turns off the T.V and the med students "awww" in disappointment] Fine. I'm gonna go ahead and tell you how it ends: Dr. Phil says, [Dr. Phil impression] "And how... is that working out... for you?" And the big fat lady cries, "Wah." All right, I'm sure you're wondering why I accepted the position of residency director considering my disdain for, well... all of you. Is it the extra four dollars a week in my paycheck? Or is it the fact that I finally have a chance to make a difference in this God-forsaken hell-hole.

Elliot:
[impressed] Hm

Dr. Cox:
It's all about the four dollars, trust me. And seeing as my money is contingent on you lemmings actually doing your jobs, I would say that now is a pretty good time for you to scurry on back to work so that I can continue to afford the antidepressants that keep me so damn jolly. [laughs weakly] GO!

Dr. Perry Cox:
So, how are things going in the underworld?

Jordan Sullivan:
Good, and you? Still have a rollicking social life?

Dr. Perry Cox:
Since I cut you loose, it's been one big party.

Jordan Sullivan:
In the next five seconds, name one place, other than the hospital and your apartment, that you've been to in the last month. Five... four... three... two...

Dr. Perry Cox:
My car... on the way to the... big party.

Dr. Perry Cox:
[about his ex-wife] She was never boring.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
What happened?

Dr. Perry Cox:
Eh, you marry someone just like your mother... And then remember you hate your mother.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
What am I gonna tell Emery? Did you hear the song we wrote? Nurse, do you mind? [Nurse opens door to Emery's room]

Emery:
[singing] Goin' to graduation, I'm goin' to graduation.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
It's called "I'm Going to Graduation," parentheses, "The Graduation Song."

Dr. Christopher Turk:
Her not knowing I understand Spanish is like having a secret power. It got me flapjacks for dinner.

Dr. Bob Kelso:
You got Brinner? Daamn Turkledawg!

Dr. Perry Cox:
Newbie, what are you saying? That you want to be like me? Do you understand that... I just barely want to be like me?

Elliot:
Are you following me?

Todd:
No. You wanna go out some time?

Elliot:
With you?

Todd:
Me and a bottle of Jagermeister.

Elliot:
No. No, Todd, I don't. But I don't want you to think it's because I just broke up with someone, or that I'm a lesbian, or because I want to preserve our friendship. It's because I find you so creepy, I think you should walk around with a bell around your neck.

Todd:
All I heard was "lesbian."

Dr. Perry Cox:
Bravo, just a big bravo! Heaven help me, I love newbie theatre! Honest, I do! It's the way you both play your parts, with such wonderful commitment, that almost had me believing that you *aren't* having whiny, neurotic, extremely pale sex with each other.

Dr. Bob Kelso:
Enid has always understood how much my career meant to me. She knows I'm an important man in my field, and it helps her get on all those little boards of things her friends are on... you know, like, uh, bringing art to the underprivileged kids in the community, blah blah blah. When I first met her, uh, she wanted to be a psychiatrist, but, uh... we both decided that that wasn't a fitting profession for a family woman... no offense, sweetheart. I know she's grateful. She likes to joke that I...

[imitating his wife]

Dr. Bob Kelso:
..."choked the last breath of life out of her long ago, now she's just a shell of a woman."

[laughs]

Dr. Bob Kelso:
I think that's so cute. I call her "Shelly"!

[laughs more]

Dr. Bob Kelso:
You know, when I call her that, sometimes she laughs so hard she cries a little.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they, won't they, and then they finally do and they're happy forever... gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with and half the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now through all the stuff I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies, and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line is, couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time if it's right and they're real lucky. One of them will say something.

Dr. Perry Cox:
[whistles]

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
Good morning, Dr Cox!

Dr. Perry Cox:
We are short-staffed today because Kelso has volunteered all of you scat monkeys for some psychologist's research project, give me a break, which means of course you won't be helping patients; instead... oh, you'll be blabbering about your feelings and what is like working in the hospital and how that affects your personal lives and wah, wah, wah! [Kelso approaches] And there he is now, oh, big Bob-o himself. Ok; [whistles] all nurses and interns let's gather around and dance for the puppet master. [starts to dance like a puppet] Oh yes, dance!

Dr. Bob Kelso:
It's not just the nurses and interns...

Dr. Perry Cox:
[freezed in the dance] Don't be that guy, Bob...

Dr. Cox:
...And bam! The shine's off the apple. And that's when you find out that that pretty little girl you married isn't a pretty little girl at all. No, she's a man-eater. And I'm not talking about the "whoa-whoa, here she comes" kind of man-eater. I'm talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dishtowel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. Of course, I may have tormented her from time to time; but, honest to God, that's what I thought marriage was all about. So much so that, by the end of that relationship, I honestly don't know who I hated more - her or me? I used to sit around and wonder... why our friends weren't trying to destroy each other, like we were. And here, it turns out, the answer's pretty simple: They weren't unhappy. We were.

Dr. Kelso:
When the Kelsonoviches settled in Monroeville, P.A., there were two steel mills, three bars, not a doctor in sight. Then, my old man set up a shingle and started delivering babies and stitching up three-fingered steel men by the wagon-load.

[smiling]

Dr. Kelso:
Everybody loved him. When they couldn't come up with the cash, he would always gladly accept a handmade sweater or a bushel of turnips.

[smile withers]

Dr. Kelso:
Jackass.

Baby Jack:
What's gin?

Dr. Cox:
Gin is an alcoholic beverage, which, if your mommy's strong genes are any indication, you'll eventually learn to love as it slowly destroys a giant portion of your adult life.

Turk:
Is he coming? Is he coming?

Elliot:
Turk, she's barely in labor. [Pointing at Carla]

Carla:
He's not talking about the baby. [J.D. enters]

Turk:
He's here, and now we can have our baby!

Carla:
[J.D. enters] Isabella, this is the man you will be competing with for your father's love.

J.D.:
Should I get a baby too?

Turk:
I'm a little preoccupied right now. Why don't you ask your unicorn?

J.D.:
Ah, this is way over Justin's head... he's never been in love. Not real love, anyway...

Dr. Bob Kelso:
Hiya, sport!

Baby Jack:
Your skin is wrinkly!

Dr. Bob Kelso:
Yeah? Well, that shirt you're wearing is gay!

Baby Jack:
[seeing the video of Carla in labor] What's that?

Dr. Cox:
That is the vagina of a 35 year old Latina woman.

Dr. Kelso:
What the hell's with her?

Dr. Cox:
She's mad, but she can't give me the "silent" treatment because she knows I actually love that, so she's giving me the "talk-until-I-want-to-commit-suicide" treatment.

Dr. Kelso:
Sucks to be you.

Dr. Kim Briggs:
J.D., we have to talk about all of our pregnancy options, even if they make us uncomfortable- There's one way of dealing with this that no one's mentioned yet... the "A" word.

J.D.:
I know. [as Kim speaks too] Appletinis.

Dr. Kim Briggs:
[as J.D. Speaks too] Abortion... what?

J.D.:
I though that we could discuss abortion over Appletinis.

Nurse Laverne Roberts:
Did somebody just say "abortion"?

Dr. Kim Briggs:
Laverne, with all due respect, this is none of your business... or Jesus'.

Nurse Laverne Roberts:
[puts a Jesus statue on the counter] I believe he would beg to differ... [J.D.' fantasy starts]

Jesus:
She's right, J.D., every life is precious.

J.D.:
But what if having this baby is a huge mistake for us?

Jesus:
[sighs tiredly, massages his own eyes and stretches from stress] OK... I'm gonna make this real simple: no abortion, OK?

J.D.:
But what if...

Jesus:
[in a high-pitched voice] No abortions...

J.D.:
Let me finish... what if the parents were, like, abusive drug-addicts who would neglect their kid?

Jesus:
Oh, well, in that case it'd be OK.

J.D.:
Really?

Jesus:
No abortions! How are you not getting this? [J.D.'s fantasy ends]

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Dr Cox.

Dr. Perry Cox:
I'm hoping for your sake there's another Dr Cox sitting right behind me.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
I feel stupid but... sending me to Kelso like that, well... I'm not sure what you were trying to teach me.

Dr. Perry Cox:
The value, and this is important, of leaving me alone.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
I think we both know there's more to it than that.

Dr. Perry Cox:
No, no, there's not! Look, I want you to go ahead and spread the word, missy: I've had enough! The next whiny intern that comes in here looking at me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic one-woman freak show, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist; because if you're so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine [!] over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brain ship because he's drunk at the wheel!

Dr. Elliot Reid:
You're right... I need to learn to pick my battles! Thank you sir! [leaves the room]

Dr. Perry Cox:
...You're welcome.

[to JD]

Janitor:
You seem unhappy. I like that.

J.D.:
See, Turk and I made a pact. The day that one of us got married we'd play a last round of tennis-golf in the parking lot as single best friends. Oh, yeah, and the guy getting married has to caddy for the other guy naked

Dr. Todd Quinlan:
Dude, that pickup line you gave me for all the Spanish chicks is not working.

Mark Espinosa:
Maybe you're saying it wrong. Let's hear it.

Dr. Todd Quinlan:
Yo tengo herpes genital para ti [clicks tongue]

Mark Espinosa:
...nope, that's right. Keep trying. [leaves]

Dr. Todd Quinlan:
Mucho herpes! Grande! Oh yeah...

Dr. Kelso:
[drunk at Turk and Carlas wedding reception] Ahh, Dr. Turkleton!

Chris Turk:
Actually, sir, it's Turk.

Dr. Kelso:
That's your first name!

Chris Turk:
You think my name is Turk Turkleton?

Dr. Kelso:
[to Carla]... and Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! Hehehe...

[to bartender]

Dr. Kelso:
Give me a scotch.

Elliot:
So's your face!

J.D.:
[Voiceover] Walked right into that one.

Janitor:
Can't go clubbin' tonight, guys. Daddy's got a date.

Ted:
Awww, man! I ironed my going out hair!

Elliot:
You're unbelievable. [Elliot walks away annoyed]

Janitor:
You're the only one around here that treats me like a real person.

Elliot:
What did you just say?

Janitor:
There was one other girl a few years ago, red-haired doctor. She used to eat lunch with me, until the other residents started making fun of her. They called her 'janitor lunch-eater'. Not the most clever group. Anyway, I know that you don't think about me the way I think about you, and I never really believed that you would or that you could. But, just pretending for today somehow made me feel good for a change. I'm sorry.

Elliot:
You know what, it's ok. I actually had a good time.

Janitor:
[Janitor stifles a coy laugh] Thanks. [Elliot smiles and walks off scene] [Janitor to himself] Elliot. [Janitor smiles and walks in the opposite direction]

J.D.'s Penis:
[to J.D] I will kill you!

Dr. Christopher Turk:
[J.D. returns from his girlfriend's apartment] Hey hey, here he is! My buddy hit it and quit it, didn't he?

J.D.:
[narrating] Hell no.

J.D.:
Hell yes! Now if you'll excuse me it's time for my nightly ritual.

J.D.:
[narrating] Pleasure myself, weep, and repeat.

Dr. Kelso:
Well then, I'm going to need you to get me a Three T form!

Turk:
Yes!... Uh, what's a Three T form?

Dr. Kelso:
Tough Titties Turkleton!

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Parlez-vous Fran?ais? [ Translation: Do you speak French? ]

Turk:
You know, I did learn a little when my high school class went to France, but that was just stuff to pick up chicks.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Turk, je crois que Tyler se sentirais mieux s'il pouvait observer l'op?ration, d'accord? [ Translation: I really think it would make Tyler feel better if he could watch, OK? ]

Turk:
J'ai... euh... Tour d'Eiffel pantalon. [ Translation: I have... an... Eiffel Tower... in my pants. ]

Dr. Elliot Reid:
What?

Turk:
Pamplemousse! [ Translation: Grapefruit! ]

Dr. Perry Cox:
Newbie, you never promise a patient that they're gonna be fine.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
Mr Milligan? His blood pressure's little low, he just has mono.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Oh, for God's sakes, Newbie... take a look around, would you? Please... what's the difference between your Mr Milligan and every other patient in this ICU? And if the answer to that question is that he's the only one young enough to have never made a phone call like this: "Briing! Hallo? Operetah? Gimme Stuyvesant hohive-hohive-hohive", then you would be right. But since I'm not in the mood to make some big, dramatic, sweeping statement, I'll just tell you this: God hates doctors, He truly does. You see all these old people in here? Well, any of them'd give just about anything to be able to sashay off this planet, but most are gonna stay and live forever and ever and ever; and your Mr Milligan... well, it turns out he's just young enough to die. I mean, think about it... it's the holidays; there's a sweet little kid involved... can't you just feel it?

Ted:
Hey, Carla, did you hear that the lottery is up to a hundred million dollars? I tell you, if I can win that baby, it's separate beds for me and my mom!

Carla:
Yeah, and then you can use the other $99,999,000 for therapy!

Dr. Cox:
And the category is... DING! "Things that have a better chance of happening than YOU winning the lottery." Tedscape, throw ten seconds on the clock, would you please? And GO! Brain transplants, Britney Spears having another hit record, the Rolling Stones going on a farewell tour and actually meaning it, me caring about just ANYTHING that happens on Wysteria Lane, Jessica Simpson winning an Oscar, Jessica Alba winning an Oscar, Jessica Simpson becoming Jessica Alba Simpson...

Dr. Bob Kelso:
Who the hell ate my scone?

Dr. Cox:
That would be me, Bobbo, and it was delicious - my compliments to the lady.

Dr. Bob Kelso:
I made those!

Dr. Cox:
I know!

Dr. Christopher Turk:
Dude, he keeps a hug schedule with his friends.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
Oh, okay, Turk! Looks like someone's getting crossed off their two o'clock spot and getting pencilled in for never. How does that feel? Does it sting?

Dr. Bob Kelso:
Who's a whore?

Dr. Elliot Reid:
That'd be me, sir.

Dr. Bob Kelso:
Oh, of course.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
I was making out with a married man while his sick child slept a few feet away. Oh my god! I've become my mother!

Dr. Bob Kelso:
I've heard enough. Let's call it and go to lunch.

Dr. Cox:
Just hold on! That is NOT the way it works, Bobbo. This is important, dammit. You sit back down and get on with it.

Dr. Bob Kelso:
Perry, I'm in charge.

Keith:
What are you doing?

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Don't look at me! Keith, you see the woman standing outside? [Keith mistakes a fat old woman for the "woman" Elliot meant]

Keith:
Yeah, i see her.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
I made out with her husband this morning

Keith:
That's disgusting

Mrs. Wilk:
Dr Reid, why are you hiding? You didn't do anything wrong.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
If we all win this lottery, I am using this money to find a decent man.

Keith:
Nurse Espinosa, Mr Foster's cough is getting worse and Dr Dorian's gone. Dr Reid's covering, but she's sort of indisposed.

Carla:
Kid, I'm about to become a millionaire. Call Dr. Turk, he's the surgeon on call.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
This whole experience got me thinking about the nature of gratitude. I guess in the end whether you're a doctor or a garbage man...

Dr. Bob Kelso:
Dorian! What are you doing?

Dr. Bob Kelso:
In the end, when Mr Foster started coughing up blood the on-call surgeon was stuck in traffic, the nursing staff was busy losing the lottery, his original doctor was thanking a garbage man, and the covering physician was incapacitated. And what was Mr Forster doing? He was dying in the hands of the Interns!

Dr. Cox:
Wait, wait, let me get on in this! Let's also have a toast to Mr Forster's widow and his fatherless kids.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Dr Cox, it wasn't our fault.

Dr. Cox:
Because you are lucky! You know as well as I do, it could have been any one of your faults. Congrats again! Have a well party!

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
It's never easy when someone accuses you of screwing up, especially when you know it's true. When that happens you can't shrug it off, because in a hospital the best way to learn from your mistakes is to carry them with you.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
Why ostriches?

Mr. Sutton:
They're such majestic creatures, don't you think? And, you know, they're kinda like my children. Plus, I make belts out of their necks.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
OK... look, Mr Sutton, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm here [Turk gets thrown in through the window, screaming]

Mr. Sutton:
There is a door!

Dr. Christopher Turk:
Man...

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
Are you OK? Did you try and escape?

Dr. Christopher Turk:
I did escape... there was one waiting in the car.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
Ah...

Mr. Sutton:
That's Leon. Loves the car rides. Likes to stick his head out the window... I tell him it's a little too dangerous but he doesn't listen to me.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
Mr Sutton, I cured you and you never thanked me.

Mr. Sutton:
Why would I thank you for doing your job? I'm a garbage man: how many times a day do you think I get thanked?

Dr. Christopher Turk:
Six.

Mr. Sutton:
You're off by about six.

Dr. Christopher Turk:
Twelve!

Mr. Sutton:
I'm starting to see why Leon outfoxed you...

Dr. Christopher Turk:
Stupid bird stole my hat! [Sutton leaves the room]

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
I just don't see why it's such a big deal for you to say "Hey, doc...". Why'd he just walk away like that?

Dr. Christopher Turk:
[mumbling] I don't know. [Leon enters the room; he sports Turk's hat; J.D. And Turk slowly turn around]

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
Ruh-roh...

Dr. Christopher Turk:
Don't move...

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
I gotta admit he look pretty phat in your Kangol...

Janitor:
What's up?

J.D.:
[thinking] Be careful here... Don't give him anything.

J.D.:
Nothing. What. Is. Up. With. You... Man?

Janitor:
I always get this way in the fall, you know - summer's gone, the days are shorter; it just makes me feel so... what's the word...

J.D.:
Sad?

Janitor:
Yes, that's it. I'm a janitor, so I couldn't think of the word "sad". I was gonna say, it makes me feel so "mop."

J.D.:
Let me explain, I -...

Janitor:
Go ahead, I'm "mopping".

J.D.:
Maybe I shouldn't bother.

Janitor:
Maybe you "mopn't".

J.D.:
Look, every time you've screwed up with me, I've totally let you off the hook.

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
When have I ever screwed up with you.

J.D.:
[pauses and thinks] OK, never, but we both know that if I ever did, I would give you a break. Now let's see how you like it when I walk away from you [Exits right]

J.D.:
[Walks back on screen] Actually, I need to go this way. [Exits left]

J.D.:
[Walks back on screen] Right the first time [Exits right]

Dr. Bob Kelso:
[approaching to the Nurse Station] So, how are my girls today? Fantastic! Listen...

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
Dr Kelso, if you're here to do one of your "How are my girls, today, now let me tell you some things you don't want to hear" routines, I should warn you: I'm in a mood. So it's probably in your best interest to make up some lame excuse, turn around and leave.

Dr. Bob Kelso:
Young lady, I will not be spoken to like that! Luckily for you, I have to go see Miss Fitzstrafoleradonofofadopolis [leaves]

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
Attaboy...

Dr. Christopher Turk:
You kissed my wife!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
[J.D.'s narration] I miss the silence.

Dr. Christopher Turk:
Did you like it?

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
Well that's kind of a trick question, Turk. I mean if I say yes, it's like I'm saying: damn dude, your wife is hot & I'd like to get me some of that. But if I say no then I'm all like: yo, I know she's your wife but you can keep that fish-lipped bitty.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
She's a teenage girl, that's an awkward time. You know, your breasts are growing... not always symmetrically. You like boys. Maybe one gives you a ride home, you think something's gonna happen but it doesn't and that just makes it official that you're a lop-sided freak! Happy ending though; lefty caught up in college.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Barbie! I have a finite amount of brain space and your inspiring story of the little breast who couldn't just pushed out my memory of the 1980 Olympic Hockey team's victory at Lake Placid. Miracle on Ice - [whistles] gone!

Dr. Perry Cox:
[to Dr. Elliot Reid] Barbie! Feel free to kiss my ring.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
[to Dr. Perry Cox] I don't have a ring, but you can kiss my ass.

Dr. Kelso:
Every mother wanted me to marry their daughter cause I was a doctor. And I used that to sleep with all those mothers. That's what "house call" used to mean.

Dr. Cox:
Those were the good old, incredibly disturbing, days, Bob.

Dr. Cox:
I will tell you one thing, though. If you even want to have an outside chance of reaching someone nowadays... you damn sure better speak from your heart.

Dr. Kelso:
Thank you, Perry.

Dr. Cox:
Blow it out your ass, Bob.

Dr. Kelso:
Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy.

Nell Goldman:
Why am I paying you to tell me things I've already figured out on my own?

Dr. Kelso:
Maybe because I graduated first of my class at Stanford in 1972.

Nell Goldman:
You graduated 12th in your class in 1968.

Nurse Laverne Roberts:
She Googled your ass.

J.D.:
Why can't Carla just let this go?

Elliot:
Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his exgirlfriend?

J.D.:
Yeah, but mostly because I had a husband

Dr. Kelso:
Let me break this down for you bobo style

Dr. Cox:
You my friend look do damn leathery I am actually considering synching you up, wrap you around a baseball and stick you under the mattress so that you're good and broken in for the big game on Sunday, BUT, since I'm here to heal not judge, I'm gonna write you a couple of prescriptions. You'll find this first one is for an oversized mallet so you can pound some sense into yourself. This next one is for a big floppy hat that your now obligated to where every time you leave the house. Have a nice day, you look like a purse.

Dr. Kelso:
I'm tired of patients complaining about being called dummos, tubbos, smokers and jamokers. Whatever the hell jamokers means.

Dr. Cox:
I was actually saying 'jokers' and I had coffee cake in my mouth.

Dr. Kelso:
You are going to shut your damn yapper and listen for a change, because I got you pegged, sweetheart. You want to take the easy way out with the surgery because you're scared. You're scared because if you try and fail, there's only you to blame. Well, Missy, let me break this down for you, Bobbo-style. Life is scary. Get used to it.

J.D.:
[Narration] And then it seemed like Dr. Kelso wasn't only talking to her.

Dr. Kelso:
There are no magical fixes. It's all up to you. So get up off your keister, get out of here, and go start doin' the work.

Nell Goldman:
What if it's too hard?

Dr. Christopher Turk:
Yeah, what if it's too hard?

Dr. Kelso:
Turkleton, I have no idea why you're chiming in, but I'll say this to both of you. Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy.

Dr. Cox:
[as Kelso sits next to him on the couch] What is it, Bob?

Dr. Kelso:
When the hell did patients stop respecting us? I really tried to help that young woman and she rolled over me like Enid's wheelchair over Baxter's tail.

Dr. Cox:
Uh?

Dr. Kelso:
Enid was recently paralyzed. I haven't told anyone.

Dr. Cox:
Mh.

Dr. Kelso:
Anyway, I couldn't handle the patients; so go ahead, take your shots.

Dr. Cox:
I want to, Bob, I really do; but my first patient today was a snot-nosed little punk who wouldn't let me give him a rectal exam unless I said "pretty please" first, and... I'm not just big on begging strangers to stick my hand up their butt, not even in my private time.

Dr. Kelso:
Remember when being a doctor meant that people would look up to you?

Dr. Cox:
Yeah...

Dr. Kelso:
Ah... when I first started out, I could take this old white coat out, get a free haircut or a nice table at the restaurant... and hell, I never once got a speeding ticket.

Dr. Cox:
People used to give me cards and gifts and sometimes even a pie just for doing my job.

Dr. Kelso:
Every mother wanted me to marry their daughter because I was a doctor... and I used that to sleep with all those mothers, because that's what "house call" used to mean.

Dr. Cox:
Those were the good old, incredibly disturbing, days, Bob. Today people think of us as drug-dispensing walking lawsuits who are in fact less informed than their Internet phones.

Dr. Kelso:
So that's what that damn thing was...

Dr. Cox:
I will tell you one thing, though: if you even want to have an outside chance of reaching someone nowadays you damn sure better speak from your heart.

Dr. Kelso:
Thank you, Perry.

Dr. Cox:
Blow it out your ass, Bob.

Elliot:
Can't we just go home, put on our pj's and watch "Grey's Anatomy?"

J.D.:
I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and just put them on TV.

Carla:
I just took a pregnancy test, just tell me when a minute's up.

Turk:
I just put some pizza rolls on the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy rings we're good to go.

Carla:
Oh, my god, I can't stand it, 30 more seconds.

Turk:
OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute.

Elliot:
Dr Cox, I've got a patient with osteomyelitis who needs a bone biopsy. Who do you use?

Dr. Perry Cox:
You've put me in an awkward spot because I'm a healer and I want to help, but speaking to you would acknowledge your existence, and you don't exist. So I'm going to address the stapler. [he leans over a red stapler on the counter] Hi stapler. The red is killer... By the way, there's a Dr Brownsfield who is just the most wonderful bone guy... What?... What's that, stapler?... Oh, no, she... she's an actual doctor, ah ah...

Elliot:
Neither of you are very funny!

Dr. Bob Kelso:
No offense sport. Don't think I have anything against ugly people.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
Why would I take offense to that?

Dr. Bob Kelso:
...No reason.

J.D.:
I still can't believe I power-walked 'butt-naked' through the halls of the hospital last night.

Turk:
My man, I know that wasn't you.

J.D.:
How?

Turk:
I'm not really proud of this, but I can pick your puff-'n'-stuff out of a line-up.

J.D.:
Oh, it changed since you saw it - it got a haircut.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
Y'know, sir, Dr. Townshend was telling me you had some great old stories about the hospital. I'd love to hear one sometime.

Dr. Bob Kelso:
Well, what the hell. Back in '68- I don't like you. The end. [Dr. Kelso leaves]

Dr. Townshend:
He tells that one a lot.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
I know.

Jordan Sullivan:
[Jordan is pregnant] It's kicking me.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Who can blame it?

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
Sir, can I call you Townsy?

Dr. Townshend:
No.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
[voiceover] I was having a great time working with Townsy.

J.D.:
Can I call you Townsy?

Dr. Townshend:
No.

J.D.:
[thought] Me and Townsy were having a great time.

Dan:
[as Dr. Cox leaves at the end of his shift, J.D.'s brother Dan is waiting for him outside the hospital entrance] Hey, Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox:
Oh, here I'd been told you left. It made me happy.

Dan:
You don't like me. People don't like me. You know why? I'm a screw-up. Always have been.

[laughs]

Dan:
Ever since we were kids, my mom always made me walk Johnny to school first day every year, and every year, I'd walk him to the wrong school...

[laughs]

Dan:
...just 'cause.

Dr. Cox:
Boy, that's a great story, really. And I'm sure you're just a horrible big brother...

Dan:
[smiles in mock humility] Well...

Dr. Cox:
...but I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed. Turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his deathbed.

Dan:
Hey, listen, Dr. Cox, no offense, I'm a big fan of the tough guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you LOVE the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family we KNEW was going someplace. Sweet kid. Smart kid. Becoming a doctor? This is ALL he ever wanted, and yet, somehow, you've found a way to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turn him into some kind of cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny is never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So I'm askin' - I'm tellin' you: take that responsibility seriously, stop being such a hard-ass. Otherwise, you're gonna have to answer to me.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
[narrating] Love can give you strength you never knew you had.

Dan:
[holds out his hand to Cox] It's good seeing you, Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox:
[takes Dan's hand and shakes it] Good to see you, Dan. All the best. [walks away]

Dan:
Yeah but these are living, breathing people here...

Dr. Cox:
I'm sorry, what is it you do again?

Dan:
I'm a bartender.

Dr. Cox:
Well, Dan, I'm gonna go ahead and worry about how we do things around here. But if I ever need to make a top notch rum and coke, well, by golly, mister, you better be right by the phone cause I might just give you a jingle.

[Dr. Cox begins to walk away]

Dr. Cox:
[makes a ringing noise] Dan, Cox-a-roony, regarding the rum and coke issue... could not be more confused...

Dr. Cox:
Newbie! Did I just walk in on you mocking an innocent patient?

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
[ashamed] Yes...

Dr. Cox:
I've never felt closer to you.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
Doctor Cox, Dan was wondering if he could trail with us today.

Dr. Cox:
Good God in heaven, Newbie. There are just so very many ways for me to say this to you: Never. Not in a million years. Absolutely not. No way, Jose. No chance, Lance. Nyet. Negatori. Mm-mm. Nuh-uh. Uh-uh. And of course, my own personal favorite of all time, man falling off of a cliff. Noooooooooo!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
Turk, you don't get it, man. Your family was there for you.

Dr. Christopher Turk:
You know, I love how kids of divorced swear they have the market cornered on family dysfunction; but let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household. It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jubari - formerly "Bob" - gives my father attitude for using the word "black," *even though* he's referring to the turkey, which by the way only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bipolar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss, and we hug, and we apologize for all the things we said, 'cause a month later we're gonna get together and do it again at Christmas!

Dr. Bob Kelso:
Why are you here?

Dr. Elliot Reid:
My boyfriend is in New Zealand for six months; if I don't moonlight, I'm never gonna have enough money to see him.

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
My wedding's costing twice as much as I thought, and would I need the extra cash.

Ted Buckland:
Baxter won't get out of my chair!

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
Dr Kelso, even though we're understaffed and underpaid I've been working here for ten years. I mean, all day long all I hear is "Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla... Carla... Carla...".

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Sir, what... w-w-what Carla is saying, and not in any kind of crazy or rambling sort of way, is that we work hard here in the hospital, but it's not the only thing in our lives.

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
Surely you must know what it's like to love someone so much that you'd do anything you had to?

Dr. Bob Kelso:
[breaths heavily] I'll see you two in the morning... Now get out of my office before I change my mind. [Carla and Elliot leave; Ted remains. Kelso picks up the phone and makes a call] Darling, I wanna say something. For the past 25 years we've been going through the motions; once every couple of weeks we have sex and then we have breakfast without saying a word... Well, tonight I want you to put on a nice dress because I'm gonna take you to dinner and I'm gonna start telling you all the things I haven't taken the time to say all these years. I love you too... [hangs up]

Ted Buckland:
That was beautiful, sir...

Dr. Bob Kelso:
Thanks Ted. Call my wife, tell her I won't be home tonight.

Elliot:
J.D. can't we just go home, put on our pjs and watch Grey's Anatomy.

J.D.:
Oh, how I do love that show. It is like they have been watching our lives, and put it on tv.

Dr. Perry Cox:
You know what else I hate about Kelso? His hair smells like a pet store.

The Janitor:
Actually, that's my fault. I filled his hair spray bottle with dog sweat.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Dogs don't sweat.

The Janitor:
They don't? Then what the hell am I putting in there?

Jordan:
Ohh sweetie. Do you want me to call his Mommy and tell him he's being mean to you? Oh my fwiend is being mean to me waa waa waa!

Dr. Cox:
nng hmm uh.

The Janitor:
I don't want to clean this up.

Nurse Laverne Roberts:
Then you picked the wrong day to be the janitor.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
I have to learn to play the banjo. And buy one.

Todd Quinlan:
I've got a pink doggy. But it's not little.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Todd, if you show me your penis, I will take it off you.

Todd Quinlan:
Cool.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
I should get Turk a washboard.

Young Janitor:
Where's my teddy bear?

Mrs. Janitor:
Oh, I must have thrown it out accidentally while I was cleaning your room. This never would have happened if you weren't so filthy.

Dr. Bob Kelso:
Punch out on time or I'll punch you out.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
[whistles] Here's the deal, Eleonore. We're gonna go ahead and get a full work-up on this guy. So while drop an NG2 and do a gastric lavage, why don't you go ahead and get an order order on EKG with cardio-bio-markers? If you need to know where those are, they are on page 37 of the Ann Teller catalogue, right next to that salmon cable-knit sweater you wanted for so long but haven't had the courage to order, because you worried the weave is so thin, your nipples just might go ahead and peak their pink selves through! Isn't that right, Dr. Cox? Dr. Cooox!

Dr. Perry Cox:
[mimicking the J.D. daydream stare] Uhm, I'm sorry. Here I was in my own little world, talking to myself, dreaming about candy bracelets.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian:
I don't like candy bracelets. [in his head] I love 'em!

Dr. Kelso:
[talking to the janitor] Do you know the number one cause of death in the hospital?

Dr. Cox:
[walking by] Your breath?

Dr. Kelso:
Infection. And do you know how quickly infection spreads in a hospital?

Dr. Cox:
[walking by again] Your breath?

Dr. Kelso:
That doesn't make sense.

Dr. Cox:
[backsteps] Eh... Don't care.

Carla:
Welcome to Turk's head. You look hot!

Dr. Clock:
Wait a minute... you're not a lesbian.

Carla:
I am in here.

Dr. Clock:
Yeah... me too! [they lean in to kiss]

J.D.:
[waking up] Dammit! Molly, you're a shrink: why is it my daydreams always end right before the sexy part?

Dr. Clock:
I don't know, maybe we should work on that... together. [leans in to kiss him]

J.D.:
[waking up] Dammit!

Turk:
Dude! Relax!... and enjoy hot chocolate loooove. [leans in to kiss him]

J.D.:
Snap out of it! Abort! ABORT!

J.D.:
[waking up] STOP IT! I DON'T HAVE GAY JUNGLE FEVER!

Turk:
Okay, we should go!

Carla:
Yeah!

Ted:
[in mirror] People are laughing with you. People are laughing with you. People are laughing with you...

Dr. Perry Cox:
Say, Barbie, for a second there, I thought you were being a little bit cold, but then you really saved it with the " [sigh]... 'Kay."

Dr. Elliot Reid:
What are you going to do, hide from him all day and then call him "Ginger"?

Dr. Perry Cox:
No. It's Monday, which of course means it's Ethnic Day, so I'll be going with Rosalita, and besides, I have a plan.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Which is?

Dr. Perry Cox:
Yeah, unfortunately, the first part of the plan is not to share it with people who annoy me. Want to hear the second part?

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Sure

Dr. Perry Cox:
I can't. My hands are tied by the first part

Carla:
Baby, what do you want for lunch today?

Turk:
Baby, please, not in front of her.

Dr. Clock:
Turk, why are you not comfortable around me?

Turk:
You have the ability to get in people's heads. And I don't want you to take this negatively or anything like that, but that makes you a Devil Woman.

Dr. Clock:
Please, I mean, who could imagine what it's like in your head?

J.D.:
What happened?

Dan Dorian:
What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel eight hundred miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say "Hey, how're things?"

J.D.:
Dan...

Dan Dorian:
Dad died.

J.D.:
It was all right; we spent most of the time dealing with the headstone problem. See, since Dad was an office supplies salesman, he wanted it to be shaped like a pencil.

Turk:
So?

Dan Dorian:
So, it looked like a giant marble penis - which I maintain, Dad would have liked even more.

Carla:
You're not allowed to get sick, you're my "Superman." I mean, if you're in bed, who's going to give me my back rubs, or unscrew the peanut butter jar, or... walk around all day in my new high heels just to stretch them out.

Turk:
[quickly, to Molly] She's kidding! I've never done that. [quietly, to Carla] Not in front of the Devil Woman.

J.D.:
You know, it wasn't exactly easy showering with you in there.

Dan Dorian:
Well, it wasn't exactly easy for me, either. You have Dad's butt.

J.D.:
You think you'll get out of the tub today?

Dan Dorian:
Yeah, today doesn't look good - by the way, could you get me another beer?

J.D.:
No, look, I put a six-pack for you in the toilet.

Dr. Bob Kelso:
He's not a day over fifty-five and he has Alzheimer's. Really makes you think, doesn't it?

The Janitor:
You're over fifty-five, aren't you, sir?

Dr. Bob Kelso:
What's your point?

The Janitor:
Nothing.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Hey, Newbie? Just in case you didn't actually notice, I have been covering all your patients, answering all your pages, and doing pretty much everything shy of picking up your sundress from the drycleaners.

J.D.:
Well, I didn't ask you to do any of that, did I? [he storms off]

Dr. Perry Cox:
Outstanding! You're walking away like a pissy little ingrate. I mean, bravo! [starts applauding] Bravo, ah! [He whistles as Ted walks up and joins him in applauding. Cox stops clapping]

Ted:
What are we clapping for?

Dr. Perry Cox:
His dad just died. [Ted's applause trails off] Dammit

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Why are you still antagonising him?

Dr. Perry Cox:
I don't know. I can't stop.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
I am warning you, you better come through for him.

Dr. Perry Cox:
What do you want me to do, anyway?

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Be more sensitive. Try giving him a hug.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Barbie... you've met be before, yes? Now, at most, I can muster one hug a year, and nine months ago I hugged my son, so: you're gonna have to do it.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Um, you saw us before, we're still awkward from the break-up.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Hold the phone: are you suggesting that if I sleep with him, that I won't have to deal with problems like this? Because I'm seriously considering taking that hit. [as Elliot walks off] I mean, honestly, what is he like in post-game? Is there spooning? Because I don't spoon, I'm not a spooner.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Truth be told, there, Newbie: I'm proud of you.

Dan Dorian:
Me too.

J.D.:
[narrating] It's amazing how a few simple words can change everything.

[Dr. Cox has duct-taped Dan's head to the wall above the bathtub]

Dan Dorian:
What's this?

Dr. Perry Cox:
It's your basic homemade anti-drowning device to be worn until your brother returns.

Dan Dorian:
...I like it.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Listen, Dan...

Dan Dorian:
[points to a beard of bubbles on his chin] Captain Bubblebeard. Sheaht yer scuppers, me hardies!

[Dr. Cox shoves Dan's head under the bathwater]

Dr. Perry Cox:
Now you're Dan again! Let's break down the kid's support structure, shall we? He's got me, an emotionally crippled narcissist; and he's got you, an emotionally crippled narcissist who is soaking in a tub of what must be, by now, mostly your own urine!

Dan Dorian:
I believe the ratio has shifted, yes...

Dr. Perry Cox:
And I have to believe that together, *together*, Dan, we can make it at least half way to one legitimite adult!

Dan Dorian:
You're right, Coxy!

[Dan stands up. Dr. Cox frowns at his crotch]

Dan Dorian:
JD needs us, and he needs us now!

Dr. Perry Cox:
Towel!

Dan Dorian:
Let's do this!

[Dan wraps himself in the towel, and takes one step out of the bathtub before falling flat on his face]

Dan Dorian:
I may have lost some muscle mass in my legs...

Dr. Perry Cox:
Fantastic.

J.D.:
Look, I don't care what you think.

Dr. Cox:
Yeah, you do.

J.D.:
You're right, I do.

Dr. Cox:
Hey there, Bridge Club. How're you feeling?

Mrs. Warner:
I feel like crap. What the hell is wrong with me?

Dr. Cox:
Your abdominal pain suggests you have billiary disease but all yours test came back negative. So we don't exactly know what's wrong with you.

J.D.:
But don't worry. Dr. Cox and I never say die. Unless of course someone actually dies then we're kinda forced to by law.

Mrs. Warner:
He's talking again.

Dr. Cox:
Listen up, bubby. If you really want to help me, why don't you quiet down and get yourself some rest. And then if you're a really good girl, I'll wind up your car and take you out to a talkie.

Mrs. Warner:
[after Dr. Cox leaves the room] Oooo, I could do naughty things to that man.

J.D.:
Uncomfortable.

Mrs. Kellerman:
Besides, can you two honestly say there's not one thing you'd change about yourself if you could?

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
I can honestly say that.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Me too.

Mrs. Kellerman:
Then you're both liars.

Dr. Todd Quinlan:
[entering room] Hey, Mrs. K. Let's get you into a fresh pair of blouse bunnies.

Turk:
How can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?

Dr. Kelso:
The real question is: how can I make love to her when she's *not* at fat camp?

[about his wife]

Dr. Kelso:
Fat camp. Six years she's been going there, and the only thing getting any thinner is my wallet!

J.D.:
None of us slept last night. How I know that is irrelevant. What does matter is I think we formed a special bond because of it.

Dr. Cox:
[Turk looks at Dr. Cox] Stop looking at me, or die!

Dr. Kevin Casey:
Hey, J.D., wanna get a beer after work?

J.D.:
Do chickens wish they can fly?

Dr. Kevin Casey:
...I have no idea.

J.D.:
I like to think they do.

J.D.:
I just want you to check out Mrs. Barlow's chart; I'm always second-guessing myself when it comes to interstitial lung diseases.

Dr. Cox:
Oh, then you should definitely handle this yourself, there, Britney. I'm going with female pop stars today. The point is that back when I was a resident, I had all sorts of trouble with metabolic diseases. You know what I did? I grabbed every case I could get my hands on until I had it down pat.

J.D.:
Got it... You really had trouble with metabolic diseases?

Dr. Cox:
Noo... I'm a good doctor.

Hooch:
Who the hell put bouillon cubes in the shower head? If it happens again, I will wait in my SUV. Blast me some speed metal, 5.1 surround sound, HEAVY on the bass... And Someone, will be getting, mowed, down...

Ted:
312 times 481 equals... [frustrated] Sir, it's not giving me the answer!

Dr. Kelso:
It's a typewriter, you jackass.

Ted:
[tie is stuck in typewriter] Oh God, it's got my tie! [falls to the floor with typewriter]

Hooch:
Johnny told me about your "little prank." [crazy glare] If it happens again, I'm gonna take one of your fingers. that will be my "little prank."

Jordan Sullivan:
[entering the hospital with Cox] Have a great day, honey!

Dr. Perry Cox:
[kissing her] You have even a better one, you! You do it! Yeah, yeah! You have even a better one... [starts banging his own head against the counter]

Dr. Kelso:
Perry, I get the feeling something is bothering you...

Dr. Perry Cox:
Bob, people have a private life and people have a professional life, and usually those two hells are kept pretty separate; for instance I don't know that much about your home life, other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife and your son like an androgynous ne'er-do-well who drains your retirement to open up a shop in Minneapolis.

Dr. Kelso:
Harrison posted his first profit this quarter.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Aces. And I'm guessing that's because his significant other...

Dr. Kelso:
Terrence.

Dr. Perry Cox:
...Terrence doesn't follow him around the shop all day telling him just exactly what color is in this season, or showing all of the other employees that he is not in fact the boss of his own life. You see, the woman in everywhere! She's there when I work out in the morning, when I work out in the car on the way to work, and when I work out when I get to work. I can't seem to get away from her, and that used to be fine when she came around for five minutes every month or so to feed on my dignity; but now I'd honestly kill myself, Bob, if I wasn't convinced that Jordan wouldn't already be there waiting for me in the afterlife. You see, typical of her, she went ahead and signed us up for an eternal tandem bike ride all along the banks of the River Styx.

Dr. Kelso:
I'm so glad you shared...

J.D.:
[JD and Turk are lying on the ground] Why are we lying in the parking lot?

Turk:
Your hook shot knocked you unconscious and I lied down next to you so everybody would think we were chillin'.

J.D.:
Oh. Thanks S.C.B. By the way I should tell you something. I found an apartment and I'm moving out the day after tomorrow.

Turk:
Wow. What does S.C.B. mean?

J.D.:
Super. Chocolate. Bear.

Turk:
I love it.

J.D.:
[thinking] Maybe I was being unfair to Turk. Maybe it's too much to expect a friend to just sense that you're upset and wanna talk about it...

Elliot:
[when JD walks by Elliot and Carla] Carla, I can sense you're upset, talk to me!

J.D.:
[looks confused, the continues walking and thinks] OK, but Turk is a prideful guy and it's hard for prideful guys to admit when they've been insensitive

Dr. Cox:
[when JD walks by Dr. Cox and Jordan] Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive...

J.D.:
[looking back to the hallway, thinking] Touch?, magic hallway!

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Why would you torch Denise? You know her confidence is shot. Plus the other day you said you liked her. And I know you were just kidding around but you never said you liked me, even as a joke.

Dr. Perry Cox:
I like you.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
[touched] Really?

Dr. Perry Cox:
No.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Nicely done.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Thank you.

Jordan Sullivan:
[to Ted] Hey, Sweat stain! How's it going with your girlfriend now that you guys are roomies?

Ted Buckland:
Oh we're having sex like all the time.

Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa, Jordan Sullivan, Dr. Elliot Reid:
[disgusted] Oh!

Ted Buckland:
Why do people react like that when they picture me having sex?

Dr. Bob Kelso:
You try it!

Ted Buckland:
[horrified] OH GOD!

Dr. Bob Kelso:
Not a pretty sight is it?

J.D.:
You don't enjoy hanging out with me, do you?

Danni Sullivan:
Not really, I'm more into tough guys, you know?

J.D.:
Last night in bed I knocked you unconscious.

Danni Sullivan:
For like 5 seconds.

J.D.:
How could you do this to me?

Elliot:
Do what?

J.D.:
I don't know, come over to my house, sleep with me and the dump me the minute Sean shows up so I'd feel like a complete loser.

Elliot:
Oh, you seem real crushed, I mean, you jumped into bed with Danny so quick you didn't have time to change the sheets.

J.D.:
You know I only have one set.

J.D.:
When it comes down to it, you just have to be proud of the decision you made.

Janitor:
Some hooligan keeps disconnecting the alarm. I told Security to look into it. But no, no, they'd rather catch the guy who's stealing organs from the transplant ward.

[Dr. Cox looks up towards the ceiling]

Dr. Cox:
Now, I know you say you love us all equally. But you don't, do ya? I'm onto you, Big Man.

Carla:
You really want to be a security guard?

Janitor:
Who around here commands more respect than the men who wear blue and green?

Turk:
The uniforms are black and grey.

Janitor:
You got me. I don't see colors well. Happy now?

J.D.:
[FANTASY: J.D. has a bullhorn and a Viking hat] Attention, Sacred Heart! Everyone please gather 'round. Doctors, nurses, patients, hear ye, hear ye. Everyone should know that last night, Elliot Reid and I made passionate love for a good hour and a half. Check that - a *great* hour and a half!

J.D.:
[Sean and Elliot are kissing. J.D. watches them miserably, until Sean notices him staring] You've got something on your face.

Sean Kelly:
[Breaks the kiss and wipes at his face] What?

J.D.:
[In thought] The love of my life. [Out loud] You got it.

J.D.:
Hey, you wanna play darts?

Danni Sullivan:
Sure! [She gets up excitedly]

J.D.:
Great! Have fun, I'll be over here.

Danni Sullivan:
Do you even enjoy spending time with me?

J.D.:
*Enjoy* is such a strong word... I... I'm used to it. You know, like cafeteria food, or the constant threat of terrorism.

J.D.:
So I guess... this is over.

Danni Sullivan:
Why?

J.D.:
So, you'd rather hang out with someone you don't even like than be alone?

Danni Sullivan:
Yeah, pretty much.

J.D.:
[Despondently] Yeah, me too.

Leslie:
When do you turn nice? This is getting kind of old.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Never, Leslie.

Leslie:
He knows my name!

Dr. Perry Cox:
I was just calling you by a random girl's name. Listen please, I don't care about any of your problems. I have no answers for any of you.

Gloria:
But my boyfriend's bi-curious, and he wants me to pick his lovers.

Dr. Perry Cox:
I may have answer for that: eww!

Jordan:
You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.

Elliot:
You don't like Cox?

Jordan:
Actually I love Cox.

Todd:
[walks up, knocks on table] Greatest conversation ever.

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
Dr Kelso, we need to talk.

Dr. Bob Kelso:
Baxter was a good dog. You never think you're gonna miss animals as much as you do. It was just nice having some creature in my life who never disappointed me, never judged me, never showed up late at my 50th birthday party with freshly pierced nipples and a barely legal Filipino boy named Pogo... my son Harrison...

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
I figured...

Dr. Bob Kelso:
Man's best friend, huh? They got that one right...

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
At least you stopped crying...

Dr. Bob Kelso:
No, not really; my body can't produce tears anymore because I've intentionally dehydrated myself. It's a risky move, I know, but Dr Jarvis here said it'll be all right.

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
There's nobody standing behind you...

Dr. Bob Kelso:
...I'm going to need an IV.

Janitor:
[Janitor, Todd, Laverne, and Ted are all mad at Carla and ominous music plays as the walk by] Guys, we're supposed to be giving the evil eye here and I'm the only one doing it. Ted you're giving sad eye!

Ted:
It's all I've got!

Janitor:
Now try it again.

[they all stare with "evil eye"]

Janitor:
That's better. Todd, great commitment.

Todd:
I just thought about flat boobies and it made me mad.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
Turk... we tried Giant Black Guy. Remember what happened? People ran.

The Janitor:
Floor's wet. You know, I liked the way Blond Doctor looked. Brightened my day. But you don't care. Cause you're unconscious.

Dr. Cox:
So I'm pretty much thinking it's time to get the fear back. Now I am sorry but I think life is just too short to spend your time working some place where people don't crap their pants at the mere sight of ya.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
[Thinking] With the long hours at a hospital, you don't have time to worry about your appearance.

[a mousy, unkempt female doctor enters, stopping at the desk next to J.D]

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
[Thinking] It may sound sexist, but with the female doctors, it's slightly more noticeable.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
Hey Janice. Is it windy out?

Janice:
No. Why do you always ask me that?

[She walks off, offended]

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
Because I'm - I'm captain of m-m-my kite-flying team? The M-m-mighty Kites?

Dr. Perry Cox:
A coffee place in a hospital? What's next, Bob, an ice cream parlor in the morgue? Admittedly, not a horrible idea, seeing that the freezers are already down there. Plus, it'll be a perfect place for kids... one of our famous vanilla malteds definitively takes the sting out of having to identify the freshly-charred remains of your father.

Dr. Perry Cox:
A tip jar? Really? So what am I supposed to do, just duke you my change because you poured hot water through beans? Well, I tell you what, my friend... unless you're also planning on giving me a complimentary reach-around with my beverage, I'm afraid the answer is yeah... no! Here's a novel idea: Why don't you go fetch me a very large cup of coffee with so damn many fake sugars in it that the coffee itself gets cancer?

Dr. Elliot Reid:
So, you're having chest pains, Mr Turner.

Dr. Turner:
Actually, it's Dr Turner.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
You look like somebody I used to date. I had a brief "older guy" jones, but now I'm with someone more age-appropriate and I'm like "Whoa, what was I thinking?".

Dr. Turner:
Uhm, we are disgusting...

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Yeah! But for some reason I was curious.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
[as Keith is putting on her engagement] Okay, it's a little tight. Just push harder. Okay, lifted a little skin there...

Melody O'Harra:
Here come the fricks.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Just put the motherfricking ring on the motherfricking finger! Frick, frick, frick!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
I'm not upset about Elliot.

Dr. Christopher Turk:
You both have had a history together.

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
You two have had more ups and downs than Ross and Rachel on Friends.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
I'm nothing like Ross.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Of course not. You're Rachel, she's Ross.

Melody O'Harra:
You can't go into Boobtown. That's a gated community.

[at Elliot's proposal party]

J.D.:
As I looked at all the relationships around me - some that had gone on forever...

[shot of Perry and Jordan]

J.D.:
...some that were reigniting...

[shot of Carla and Turk]

J.D.:
...and some that had just begun...

[shot of Elliot and Keith]

J.D.:
I realized something.

[cut to J.D. in the shower]

J.D.:
It should have been me.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Mrs. Sheldon, may I just say, I hope I to look as good as you when I'm 80.

Mrs. Sheldon:
I'm 68.

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Do they not have sunscreen where you grew up?

Melody O'Harra:
I just don't wanna end up like my aunt Sheela, getting married and having a kid when I'm 50, I mean, you find a tooth in that house and you don't know which mouth it fell out of.

Melody O'Harra:
Well... it's official: I am the only single sorority sister left. I guess it's true what they say: first one to be in a threesome, last one to get married.

Dr. Christopher Turk:
Damn! [beats one hand over the table where Doug is sitting at, pouring Doug's coffee over him] I'm sorry, she just said she was in a threesome.

Dr. Doug Murphy:
[having the same reaction as Turk's, and so forth] Damn!

male nurse:
Damn!

surgeon:
Damn!

Snoop Dogg Resident:
[out of frame] Damn!

Melody O'Harra:
I just don't want to end up like my aunt Sheila and get married and have a kid when I'm 50; I mean, you find a tooth in that house, you don't know whose mouth it fell out of.

J.D.:
Oh...

Melody O'Harra:
Sometimes I wonder, you know, if I'm ever actually going to find someone, you know?

J.D.:
Yeah... Now, was it two girls and a guy, or a devil's threesome?

Melody O'Harra:
All-girl.

Dr. Christopher Turk:
[as J.D. lifts coffee cups from the table, he beats both his hands on it] Damn! Sorry...

Jordan Sullivan:
Hey! So, I convinced the bartender to give us all the booze at your party for half price.

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
[whispering] Yes!

Jordan Sullivan:
Little hitch: you're gonna have to show some boob. Apparently mine did not get us all the way there. He has a soft touch, though.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Lovely...

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Oh, and Per... you were wrong: someone is dumb enough to love me. [leaves]

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
Where's your head right now? [Cox's fantasy starts: Cox preparing canap?s, he hands one to Elliot]

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Perry, no! It goes cracker-apple-cheese, not cracker-cheese-apple! I know that we've only been married two days, Perry, but you should know this! [Cox smiles while wrath grows inside him; in the next scene we see part of Elliot's corpse and a policeman handcuffing him]

Policeman:
You're gonna fry for this, buddy. [Cox smiles. End of fantasy]

Dr. Perry Cox:
Worth it. [smiles nastily and walks away]

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Mrs Sheldon is the sweetest old lady, but I can't figure out what is wrong with her. She's got the most random symptoms: myalgia, alopecia, a rash.

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
That is so weird... my patient, Mr Bilbray, has the same exact symptoms.

Jamie:
Actually, he's my patient.

Nurse Carla Espinosa:
Jamie, you're a baby intern; yesterday you asked me how to turn on your stethoscope. Now, go stand over there!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
Face it, Turk. It's a bro-mance.

J.D.:
Mmm, mulattos.

Carla:
They're Milanos, you idiot.

J.D.:
I always thought that was a little racist for a cookie.

Dr. Kelso:
Who has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap?

[points at himself with his thumbs]

Dr. Kelso:
Bob Kelso. How you doing?

Dr. Perry Cox:
Boy oh boy! Looks like you pissed off the wrong guy there, crunchy. Trust me. He'll make you pay.

Dr. Molly Clock:
Oh, Dr. Kelso's all bust. I bet underneath it all he's a sweetheart.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Oh no, underneath it all he is pure evil.

Dr. Molly Clock:
Perry, no one's pure evil, I mean yeah some people have a hard outer shell, but inside everybody has a creamy center.

Dr. Perry Cox:
There are, plenty of people here, on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and hard on the inside!

Dr. Molly Clock:
So they have more of a nougaty center?

Dr. Perry Cox:
Lady. People aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard coated bastards with bastard filling. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.

Dr. Molly Clock:
I'm touching your creamy center!

Dr. Perry Cox:
Oh I am so very angry that I'm going to find someone to kill just to prove her wrong.

Dr. Kelso:
Now, our old hospital psychiatrist used to write my wife, Enid, a prescription for crazy pills. He was a dear, dear friend, but he died or moved or something and now I need you to do the honors.

Dr. Molly Clock:
Have her come in for a few sessions, I'll gladly prescribe antidepressants.

Dr. Kelso:
That's going to be a problem.

Dr. Molly Clock:
Why?

Dr. Kelso:
She doesn't know she's taking them.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Thanks to your little gesture, she actually believes that the earth is full of people who, deep down, are filled with kindness and caring!

Dr. Kelso:
Well that's absurd. People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Exactly!

Dr. Christopher Turk:
You know, on The Sopranos, if a guy caught his brother with his girlfriend, he'd just rub his ass out.

J.D.:
Oh, believe you me, the second I get Dan alone, there's gonna be some serious ass rubbing... I shouldn't smack talk.

Dan Dorian:
[arriving] Hey, mind if I join you guys?

Dr. Perry Cox:
[arriving too] The question you should be asking is "Mind if I diddle your ex?". Oh... and just a great big congratulations on your ongoing streak of being the world's worst older brother. [leaves]

Dan Dorian:
[stands, then smiles] Thanks, Coxy.

J.D.:
[narrating] I knew it was my turn to let Dan have it, but for some reason I wasn't mad. [out loud] Listen, Dan...

Dan Dorian:
J.D., let me explain. I came to the hospital to see you... and I ran into Elliot and it just happened. It was an one-time thing.

J.D.:
I'm OK with it.

Dan Dorian:
Great, because it's going on for a few weeks! Elliot's amazing: smart, funny... hhhot! I was in a dark place and she saved me, she really did. I haven't feel this good since my dad died.

J.D.:
Our dad.

Dan Dorian:
Right.

Dr. Christopher Turk:
Hold on. When Carla and I came home yesterday, we heard something; did you two hook up in J.D.'s room?

Dan Dorian:
A friend wouldn't ask, a gentleman wouldn't tell.

Dr. Christopher Turk:
Did you?

Dan Dorian:
Twice. We didn't go under the sheets, out of respect.

J.D.:
[sarcastically] How thoughtful!

Dr. Kelso:
Dr Clock, may I have a word?

Dr. Perry Cox:
Uh-oh... it's payback time...

Dr. Kelso:
I got you a present for your trip to Mexico: it's my old Spanish-to-English dictionary. I don't need it anymore, I've mastered the language.

Dr. Molly Clock:
Gracias, se?or!

Dr. Kelso:
You're welcom-o!

[Turk is asking Dr. Kelso for a favor]

Turk:
Sir, I promise you, if you offer her the job again she'll say yes. And I'll do anything, I'll pick up extra shifts, I'll volunteer - I'll volunteer at the clinic; Whatever you want!

Dr. Kelso:
Ahh! I want you to kill the giant bat that's been living in my attic!

Turk:
You keep Enid in the attic?

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Now don't you screw this up, Keith. Because if this goes wrong, the wedding goes wrong, and then I'll get depressed and fat and you cheat on me and I swear to god I will CHOP IT OFF!

Dr. Elliot Reid:
I'm notifying all my old boyfriends that I am officially off the market.

Dr. Perry Cox:
I'm sure the pulse setting on your shower head will be devastated.

Dr. Christopher Turk:
How are you doing?

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
Not too bad, considering I just had a bomb dropped on me.

Dr. Christopher Turk:
Oh no, that was bigger than a bomb, more like an asteroid about to hit the planet, you know? People running in the streets screaming "Oh my god, it's coming right at us!", and then dudes turning to hot chicks and being all like "Look, we're about to die so can I hit that?", and then the girls like "Hell to the no!", but then she realizes, "Oh my god, I'm about to die, so you know what? Yeah you can hit this, but no kissing."

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
That's exactly what it's like!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
Say I was too nervous to hit on that girl over there what advice would you give me?

Old M.C.:
Bust a move.

Dr. Christopher Turk:
Alright, alright. What if a great song comes on and I'm too shy to get down, what should I do?

Old M.C.:
Bust a move.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
You're awesome, man, what are you drinking, we'll buy you one.

Old M.C.:
Bust a move.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
Why would you tell me you miscarried our child when you clearly didn't?

Dr. Kim Briggs:
That's probably a question I should answer more face to face after the lecture. [stammering] Are there any other questions? Yes, you sir.

Dr. Christopher Turk:
Yeah, uh, I think you should answer his question.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
[thinking] How did he get over there so fast?

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
[out loud] You're a good friend.

Dr. Christopher Turk:
I got your back.

Dr. Kim Briggs:
[breathing deeply] Anyone else have a question? Yes you i-in the back.

Old M.C.:
Bust a move!

Dr. Kim Briggs:
Really more a statement than a question, but thank you.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
I'm just so mad I literally don't know what to say to her. [J.D. holds up his hand to stop Old M.C. from talking as he walks by] Don't you dare. Part of me wants to talk to her, part of me wants to...

Old M.C.:
[yelling from a distance] Bust a move?

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
You have a problem, sir, seek help!

Dr. Kim Briggs:
What can I possibly say?

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
Oh, I don't know. How about "There might be something living in my uterus."

The Janitor:
Let's make cancer feel foolish.

Dr. Christopher Turk:
So when the conference starts, I pretend to choke, and you say, "Is there a doctor in the house?" It's going to kill.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
Yeah, but don't really choke, 'cause that wouldn't be funny.

Dr. Perry Cox:
July 21st? Ooh, I'm afraid I won't be able to make it?

Dr. Elliot Reid:
Why not?

Dr. Perry Cox:
Because I wouldn't go to your wedding if it was held in my own backyard.

Bartender:
I'm sorry. We don't have appletinis. I can make you a peachtini.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian:
Too foofy for my taste. I'll just have a beer, thanks... with a pineapple wedge.

[J.D. and Elliot are in bed at night. The apartment door squeaks open, and an ascending piano scale plays]

Elliot:
[whispers] J.D., someone's in the house!

J.D.:
[yells] Turk, get out of here!

[a descending piano scale plays, and the door closes]

[scene cuts to Turk sitting on a park bench with Elliot's plate of cookies]

Turk:
Pull that piano crap on me? [scoffs] Please!

Elliot:
Turk, I need some help with J.D.

Turk:
OK, you guys are back together. I get that. It's great. You're a fit. I just don't want to get caught in the middle again.

Elliot:
[with street accent] Well, you shoulda thought of that before you jacked my cookies! You're in.

Turk:
[sotto voce] stupid sweet tooth...

[J.D. enters his apartment, where Elliot is baking cookies]

J.D.:
Hey!

Elliot:
Hi.

[piano scale plays as J.D. walks across a Piano Mat]

J.D.:
Why'd you put my Piano Mat here?

Elliot:
I was here all day all by myself, and I got a little freaked out, so I thought I'd use that as a burglar alarm.

[J.D. plays "I'm No Superman" - "scrubs"'s theme song - on Piano Mat]

J.D.:
That's catchy.

Turk:
Now we are ready to close the incision. Are there any questions?

The Janitor:
[Dressed in scrubs and gloves] I don't think you're doing it right.

Turk:
Get out of here!

The Janitor:
Can I just touch the heart?

Denise:
Don't worry, a lot of people are scared of needles. You're just the first one without a vagina.

Denise:
[Outside] Did you know he was a priest?

J.D.:
Yes, I did. See you tomorrow. If I don't, I'll just assume demons dragged you down to Hell and chewed your face off.

Dr. Perry Cox:
Bob, what are you doing here? Are you sick?

Dr. Bob Kelso:
No, but thank you for your concern.

Dr. Perry Cox:
No, you misunderstood me. I was being hopeful. [Crosses fingers] Are you sick?

Jordan Sullivan:
If you don't fix this, so help me, I will grab you by your muffin top and stomp on your withering man parts until your eyes pop out.

Dr. Bob Kelso:
Twenty years ago, I would have thrown you on this table and made love to you right here.

Jordan Sullivan:
And I would have loved it.

J.D.:
I just want you to know... if I ever need surgery again, I want you to be the one inside me.

Turk:
I want to be the one inside of you.

J.D.:
[JD needs an appendectomy, and asks Carla who the surgeon will be] Yeah, but who's the intern who's going to be doing all the work?

Turk:
[slides into JD's room dancing and singing] I get to cut you open, I get to cut you open!

Patient:
If it'll make you feel any better, I'm uncomfortable with this whole 'touchy-feely' culture anyway.

Elliot:
Thank you!

Patient:
That whole 'kiss hello' thing... Ew!

Elliot:
Yeah, I don't like anyone touching me unless we're gonna have sex. Even then, I don't want them to overdo it.

Patient:
So, where in Connecticut are you from?

Turk:
He was up all night with a high fever, cramping and crying.

J.D.:
Dude!

Turk:
Oh, my bad. Not crying, punching the wall all manly and angry like, you know what I mean?

Carla:
JD, you have to get out, this place is tiny. And I'm sick of seing your manpanties hanging all over the bathroom.

J.D.:
They're called boxers, Carla.

Carla:
Fine, you can't live with Elliot, but you're not living with us, so get your crap up by Friday.

J.D.:
Friday?

Carla:
Friday!

J.D.:
Friday's my birthday. I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place.

Carla:
Whose place?

J.D.:
Your place. Look, I can't just un-e-vite everyone. I already got 2 e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.

Carla:
Babmi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.

Turk:
So you wanted to talk to me about your appendectomy, missus... [looks at the chart] Appendectomy? That ain't right!

Patient:
Look, 15% of all surgical complications are anesthesia related. So I would like to use hypnosis instead of that traditional anesthesia.

Turk:
Well, I would like to sleep with Beyonce instead of my wife tonight, but that ain't happening either. You know I'm saying?

Turk:
My appendectomy patient wants me to use hypnosis instead of anesthesia.

Dr. Cox:
Look, and I'd like to throw in Gwen Stefani tonight instead of Jordan, but that ain't gonna happen either.

Carla:
Dr Cox!

Turk:
Dr Cox! No! Awful!

Dr. Cox:
Jordan, here's the plan: I'm gonna go ahead and and cram an entire evening's worth of drinking into the next five minutes. Now, you just make sure not to engage them. Be particularly aware of the blonde talky one - I've worked with her before - she has no off button.

Carla:
[to Elliot] If money is so tight, why not have Jake move in with you?

Jordan:
Who's Jake?

Dr. Cox:
Jordan!... No!

Elliot:
He's this guy that I've been going out with for a while, but we're not ready to move in. He's a little closed-off, you know?

Jordan:
[Pointing at Cox behind her hand] Uh, sweetie, are you aware of who I live with?

Dr. Cox:
Jordan Godzilla Sullivan! You stop that, and you stop it now!

Jordan:
Why don't you try talking to humans for once? You might enjoy it!

Carla:
Elliot, maybe you should be the one to open Jake up? You know like Turk can be a little... immature - you know, like I always have to talk about my feelings over dinner or shut off his iPod during sex. I bet you could do the same thing with Jake.

Dr. Cox:
Or... maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on fifty pounds, start collecting knick-knacks and meet your future now. You know... before the loneliness burns too much? [Hopping in his seat] Wooooo-ohhhhh! [Laughing] Gosh, I did enjoy that!

Turk:
Dr. Kelso! Do you have any idea who's gonna get those three attending spots next year?

Dr. Kelso:
There are four spots for next year.

Turk:
Three if you're not counting the one going to me!

Dr. Kelso:
I'm gonna stick with four, Turkleton. See, there are numerous skilled surgeons here at Sacred Fart - [laughs] did you see the sign? [He continues chuckling, and Turk humors him by joining in] Though there will be no vandalism here, people! [Snickers] It was classic! Anyway, the key is doing something to get noticed.

Turk:
I don't know if you know this, but tomorrow I'm doing an appendectomy using hypnosis instead of anesthesia.

Dr. Kelso:
Well, it's about time. Hell's bells, son, when I say the name Turkleton, people laugh!

Turk:
Maybe because that's not my name.

Dr. Kelso:
Not yet, Turkleton! Not yet.

J.D.:
That's it! I'll do the triathlon!

Carla:
Oh, you don't know anything about triathlons!

J.D.:
Well, I didn't know anything about cereal inventing, either, Carla. And yet if it wasn't for a certain harshly-worded cease and desist letter, we'd all be eating J.D.'s Bananas & Nuts.

Carla:
You're not serious about this, are you?

Turk:
Why are all these cameras here?

Dr. Kelso:
Turkleton, this is quite the event here at Sacred Fart. [Laughs heartily] I can't help it, it kills me! Yeah, we got visiting doctors, video crews, even that Japanese newsanchor who slept with me when I convinced her I was an oil tycoon. [Turk looks over at the young Asian woman] If she comes over here, my name is T-Bone!

Dr. Cox:
We're also getting a good bit of interest from the seismologists at CalTech, who I understand will be able to chart the magnitude of the scream emanating from your hypnosis patient, as well as, of course, the numerous afterscreams that are sure to follow.

Turk:
No interviews!

Elliot:
How's it goin'?

J.D.:
Well, my bike is rusty, I haven't been able to feel my genitals since they first touched water, and the only thing I've had to eat all day is a half a jellyfish. Why are you here?

Elliot:
Can I talk to you about Jake?

J.D.:
It's a dangerous topic. Talk to Carla.

Elliot:
Yeah, anytime I talk to Carla about a guy, she tells me to marry him so the four of us can go to dinner together.

Elliot:
This Jake thing is still really bothering me.

J.D.:
Elliot, you know our rules.

Elliot:
Yeah, I've been thinking about that. Who wants to have a superficial friendship? I mean, God, do you remember how close we used to be? Dealing with Dr. Cox, dealing with our screwed-up families, talking about everything? I miss that.

J.D.:
This is working.

Elliot:
Not for me! I wanna be able to tell you that my boyfriend really freaked me out.

J.D.:
Well, if he freaked you out, why don't you go talk to him?

J.D.:
All right, fine, Elliot. You wanna know why? You're just like me. You're scared because you feel like you haven't accomplished anything with your life. But instead of running a triathlon, you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with. And you know as well as I do, one of these days he's gonna open up a bottle of white wine for you when you really prefer red, except you never told him that; and you wanna know why? It's because he's not right for you, Elliot. Are you happy now?

Elliot:
You're pretty smart for a guy running in bike shoes.