Secondhand Lions

Hub:
What do ya want me to do? Die of old age?

Walter:
I'm going to go inside and watch television.

Garth:
Ain't got one.

Walter:
No television?

Walter:
You bought a used lion?

Hub:
Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in.

Walter:
Yeah, they really lived.

[Hub and Garth are standing in a large pond, firing shotguns at catfish when Walter and his mother arrive]

Garth:
He's runnin' for it!

Hub:
I got 'im!

Garth:
Damn. Empty!

Hub:
Get ammo; I'll keep him covered!

Mae:
Yoo-hoo!

[Hub and Garth look up, staring between Mae and each other in confusion.]

Garth:
Huh?

Hub:
You send for a hooker?

Mae:
Uncle Hub, Uncle Garth- it's me, Mae!

[Hub and Garth stare at her, still confused.]

Mae:
Mae! Pearl's daughter! And I brought Walter, your nephew!

Garth:
Relatives.

Hub:
[Groans] Damn.

Hood 1:
Hey, who do you think you are, huh?

Garth:
Just a dumb kid, Hub. Don't kill him.

Hub:
[to Garth] Right.

[Hub suddenly stands up and grabs Hood 1 by the throat]

Hub:
I'm Hub McCann. I've fought in two World Wars and countless smaller ones on three continents. I led thousands of men into battle with everything from horses and swords to artillery and TANKS! I've seen the headwaters of the Nile, and tribes of natives no white man had ever seen before. I've won and lost a dozen fortunes, KILLED MANY MEN! And loved only one woman, with a passion a FLEA like you could never begin to understand. That's who I am. NOW, GO HOME, BOY! [Throws Hood 1 at the other teenagers.]

Hood 1:
Let's show this old bastard who's tough! Get out your knives!

[The boys all open their switchblades, and Garth pumps his shotgun and aims it at them.]

Garth:
Now, boys, you're fixin' to let those teenage hormones get you into a world of trouble.

Hub:
Damn it, Garth, did I ask you to butt in?

Garth:
Hub, you've just come out the hospital.

Hub:
There's only four of 'em.

Garth:
Well, look, look. You fight this one first, then I'll let you fight the other three after, okay?

Hub:
Yeah! [To Walter] Watch this, kid.

Garth:
[To Hood 1] Now, you- you better pick that knife up. 'Cause, son, you're gonna need all the help you can get.

[A traveling salesman arrives, but unlike the others immediately takes cover behind his car, waving a white flag.]

Salesman:
Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Garth:
He's been here before! This is no ordinary salesman.

Salesman:
Brothers McCann?

Hub:
Hell, I like me a challenge.

Salesman:
Can we talk?

Hub:
Come out where we can see you!

Salesman:
Put down your guns and I'll come out!

Garth:
[Grins] This guy is good.

Hub:
I'll cover him- you sneak around. [Walter tugs at his arm] What? What?

Walter:
Why not see what he's sellin'?

Salesman:
Let me just show it to you!

Hub:
What the hell for?

Salesman:
It's right behind my car!

Walter:
Well, what's the good of having all that money if you're never gonna spend it?

Salesman:
Trust me!

Garth:
Could be the kid has a point.

Hub:
Well. We'll see what the man's sellin'. Then we'll shoot him.

Garth:
Good plan.

Walter:
So can I keep him? I'll look after him and take care of him and feed him and everything! I never had a pet of my very own before.

Hub:
So kid, you want to take care of it, nurse it back to health?

[Walter nods eagerly.]

Hub:
Good. Then we shoot it.

[Hub and Garth walk away.]

Garth:
That's some lion you bought.

Hub:
That's some garden seeds you bought.

[Walter begins to close the crate, looks at lion.]

Walter:
Don't worry, they're not as bad as they seem right at first.

Walter:
What kind of greedy, no-good scum would turn in Uncle Hub for money?

Garth:
[Leans in and grins] Well, I would.

Walter:
[eyes widening with realization] Ah, it was a trick.

Garth:
Yeah, it was a trick.

Garth:
Looks like he's going to need stitches.

[Hub slams the butt of his gun onto Stan's face, breaking his nose]

Hub:
Yeah, a lot of damn stitches.

[Garth and Hub are outside with Stan while Walter and his mother are inside the house; Stan's numerous injuries from being attacked by the lion mean he is almost entirely covered in casts.]

Garth:
Howdy, Stan.

Hub:
You know, you're lucky, Stan. Lucky the lion got to you before *we* did.

[Hub and Garth are watching Mae and an injured Stan drive away with Walter]

Hub:
Damn. She doesn't deserve that kid. Maybe we'll get a lawyer.

Garth:
No judge is gonna take a kid away from his mother, give 'im to two old bachelor uncles.

Hub:
Well, maybe she'll sell 'im to us. How much money we got?

Garth:
Hub- there's nothin' we can do. He's gone.

Walter:
If I'm gonna live here, there's gonna be some conditions.

Hub:
Conditions?

Walter:
No more dangerous stuff. No more fighting teenagers. No airplanes. More vegetables, less meat.

Hub:
[Incredulous] What do you expect us to die of? Old age?

Walter:
[nods smiling].

Garth:
Well... welcome home.

Garth Mccann:
Listen, kid, do us a favor. If you come back to the house and stay awhile... Why, our relatives are going to hate it. I bet they hate it so much, they go away and leave us all the hell alone.

Hub Mccann:
We're old, dammit! Leave us alone!

Sheriff Brady:
Best I can figure, they were trying to fly through that barn, upside down. Had a bunch of reporters out here earlier; CNN. I guess it is news, when you got a tiny World War I biplane bein' flown by two 90-year-old men, neither one of 'em with pilot's licenses... Well, they had a good, long run, the both of 'em. And they went out with their boots on!

The kid gets it all. Just plant us in the damned garden with the stupid lion.