Seinfeld

Seinfeld

Four single friends -- comic Jerry Seinfeld, bungling George Costanza, frustrated working gal Elaine Benes and eccentric neighbor Cosmo Kramer -- deal with the absurdities of everyday life in New York City.

Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Art Wolff
Year:
1989
9,818 Views

Jerry Seinfeld:
[as auto mechanic approaches] Hey, Tony.

Tony:
Thanks for coming in Jerry.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Sure.

Tony:
[mood shift] I think I know what's going here.

Jerry Seinfeld:
[huh? frown]

Tony:
[getting moody] And I just wanna hear it from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me Jerry. Ya know that motor oil you're putting in there? From one of those quickie lube places, isn't it?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Well I change it so often...

Tony:
[interrupting] Jerry, motor oil is the life blood of a car. Okay, ya put in a low grade oil you can damage vital engine parts, okay? See this gasket? [throws it down] I have no confidence in that gasket.

Jerry Seinfeld:
[trying to respond]

Tony:
Here's what I wanna do. I want to overhaul the entire engine. But it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep it under 60 miles an hour for a while. Ya gotta come in and ya gotta get the oil changed every 1000 miles.

Jerry Seinfeld:
How much money is this gonna cost me?

Tony:
[snort] I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. Ya know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tire pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?

Jerry Seinfeld:
The washer fluid is fine.

Tony:
The washer fluid is not fine!

Jerry Seinfeld:
Okay, ya know what, um. I just wanna take my car and I'm gonna bring it some place else.

Tony:
What do you mean?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Just... can I have my car? I'm going to pay my bill, and I'm going to be on my way.

Tony:
Well the car is on the lift.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Well just get it down.

Tony:
Alright. Okay, wait here, and I'll uh, I'll bring it around. [walks away]

Jerry Seinfeld:
Okay, thanks very much.

Elaine Benes:
[arriving] Hey, where's the car?

Jerry Seinfeld:
He's bringing it.

Tony:
[squeals away in Jerry's car, leaving Jerry and Elaine stranded]

Cosmo Kramer:
Well you know they don't allow outside drinks in the movie theater. So I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in.

Jackie Chiles:
Yeah, see they like to sell their own coffee.

Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah, now is that going to be a problem?

Jackie Chiles:
Yeah that's going to be a problem. It's gonna be a problem for them. This a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It's an infringement on your constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.

Cosmo Kramer:
It's definitely preposterous.

Jackie Chiles:
So. Then what happened?

Cosmo Kramer:
Well I was trying to get to my seat and I had to step over someone and I kind of got pushed and it spilled on me.

Jackie Chiles:
Was there a top on it?

Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah

Jackie Chiles:
Now did you put the top on or did they put the top on for you?

Cosmo Kramer:
No. They put the top on.

Jackie Chiles:
And they made the top. You didn't make the top did you? [Kramer motions that he did not make the top] [to secretary over intercom] Suzie. I want you to go down to Java World. Get me a cafe latte with a top. [to Kramer] We're gonna run some test on that top. Have you been to the doctor?

Cosmo Kramer:
No. No, I haven't.

Jackie Chiles:
Suzie. Call Dr. Bison. Set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer here. Tell him it's from me.

Cosmo Kramer:
So, what do you think, Mr. Chiles.

Jackie Chiles:
Jackie

Cosmo Kramer:
Jackie. I mean, we have a chance?

Jackie Chiles:
Do we have a chance? You get me one coffee drinker on that jury, you gonna walk outta there a rich man.

George Costanza:
[George and Jerry are seated as guests on "The Merv Griffin Show"] So, they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.

Cosmo Kramer:
El Paso, I spent a month there one night.

Newman:
[laughing hard] El Paso!

Jerry Seinfeld:
What's he here for?

Cosmo Kramer:
He takes some of the pressure off of me. So Jerry what's going on with you? I understand there's a young lady in your life. Hmmm

Jerry Seinfeld:
Actually it's kind of a funny story.She has this amazing toy collection and last night I finally got to play with them.

Cosmo Kramer:
Well it sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear wedding bells?

Newman:
Are you married right now? [Kramer slaps Newman]

Jerry Seinfeld:
Actually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and I guess she passed out.

Cosmo Kramer:
What do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"?

Jerry Seinfeld:
[to George] She's even got that old Mattel football game that we love.

George Costanza:
Ah come on! You got to get me over there!

Cosmo Kramer:
Wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys? [to Newman] Could we pause a moment? [Newman turns on "commercial break music"] Jerry, now what you do with your personal life is your business but when your on my set, you clean it up mister!

Newman:
I told you he was a risk.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Oh like he's not just carrying you and has been for years!

Newman:
Yeah? Well you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs. [Kramer mediates]

Cosmo Kramer:
["Commercial music" ends] Smile everyone we're back.

George Costanza:
Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong.

Waitress:
Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.

George Costanza:
Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted... and a cup of tea.

Elaine Benes:
Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.

Jerry Seinfeld:
You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.

George Costanza:
[Sarcastically] Good for the tuna.

Elaine Benes:
[a blonde looks at George] Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.

George Costanza:
So what? What am I supposed to do?

Elaine Benes:
Go talk to her.

George Costanza:
Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Well, here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.

George Costanza:
Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.

Jerry Seinfeld:
If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George Costanza:
Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!

George Costanza:
[He goes over to the woman] Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.

Victoria:
Oh, yes I was. You just ordered the same exact lunch as me.

George Costanza:
[Takes a deep breath] My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Victoria:
I'm Victoria. Hi.

Jerry Seinfeld:
So, you just pretended it didn't bother you?

George Costanza:
What is that, 'boyfriend'? I don't understand that. What, what does she think I asked her out for?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Boy, it's the way they just slip that in there, too.

George Costanza:
Yeah, like it's just part of the conversation. 'Oh, my boyfriend really likes watches. He's a real watch freak.' Well, that's fabulous.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Well, let me ask you this. What exactly did you say when you asked her out?

George Costanza:
I said, 'Would you like to go for a walk or something?'

Jerry Seinfeld:
Oh, a walk, well...

George Costanza:
Or something. I said, 'Or something'!

Jerry Seinfeld:
Or something. Yeah, that's a date.

George Costanza:
[missing the sardonic tone] There you go!

Jerry Seinfeld:
You know, there is always the possibility that she called an audible.

George Costanza:
What do you mean?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Well, she got up to the line of scrimmage, didn't like the looks of the defense and changed the play.

George Costanza:
I think things were going okay. We were having a nice conversation.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Uh huh.

George Costanza:
I mentioned how I liked horse manure.

Jerry Seinfeld:
You did?

George Costanza:
Yeah.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Yeah. You said you liked horse manure.

George Costanza:
Yeah. You know, about how when you break it down, it's really a very positive thing. You know, you have a 'newer,' with a 'ma' in front of it. MA-NURE. It's not bad.

Jerry Seinfeld:
And it was around this point that she mentioned the boyfriend?

George Costanza:
Yeah. Oh, you think because of what I said about the manure. I was just saying how it takes a negative thing, and puts a positive spin on it.

Jerry Seinfeld:
I'm just saying there's a chance she may not have been enamored with your thoughts and feelings on manure.

George Costanza:
So you don't think she really has a boyfriend?

Jerry Seinfeld:
My honest opinion, I think she made it up.


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