Shallow Grave

Alex Law:
And if you see I'm dying up there you'll call the police and tell them everything, right?

Juliet Miller:
Everything.

Alex Law:
Except that maybe it was his idea in the first place. Now that's important to me. I need to die misunderstood.

Nation MacKinley:
This is Janet. She's a phenomenon.

Alex Law:
When was the last time you heard these exact words: "You are the sunshine of my life"?

David Stephens:
I've never seen a dead body before. I saw my grandmother of course, but I don't think that counts. I mean, she was alive at the time.

Alex Law:
Family? Family? Friends? Drugged-up wandering suicidal search of the self f***-ups don't have families.

Master of Ceremonies:
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. First of all may I thank you all for coming along tonight and supporting our appeal to raise funds for the sick children's unit.

Alex Law:
You didn't tell me that this was for children. I hate children. I'd raise money to have the little f***ers put down. I want me money back!

David Stephens:
Well, Brian McKinley, if you want to talk to my girlfriend you talk to me first. If you want to dance with her, then you apply in writing three weeks in advance or you're going to end up inside a f***ing bin-bag. You didn't apply so you don't dance.

Juliet Miller:
Do you think you could try to be a little more forceful next time?

Alex Law:
So tell me, Cameron, just tell me because I'd like to know, what on earth could make you think that we would want to share a flat like this with someone like you? I mean, my first impression, and they're rarely wrong, is that you have none of the qualities that we normally seek in a prospective flatmate. I'm talking here about things like presence, charisma, style and charm, and I don't think we're asking too much, I don't think we're being unreasonable. Take David here, for instance: a chartered accountant he may be, but at least he tries hard. The point is I don't think you're trying.

Alex Law:
They went up there alive and came back down dead! Did you notice that? The difference, I mean: alive, dead, dead, alive, that sort of thing? It wasn't difficult to spot. He killed them both.

Juliet Miller:
I can't do it.

Alex Law:
But Juliet, you're a doctor. You kill people every day.

David Stephens:
Victory is the same as defeat. It's giving in to destructive competitive urges.

Alex Law:
God, you two are sensitive! All I'm doing is implying some kind of ugly sordid sexual liaison. I'd be proud of that sort of thing.

David Stephens:
Normally I don't usually meet people, unless I already know them.

Alex Law:
It's not every day I find a story in my own flat.

Juliet Miller:
It's not a story, Alex. It's a corpse.

Lumsden:
Chartered accounting. It's often sneered at. Were you aware of that?

David Stephens:
Not any real sneering as such, no.

Lumsden:
There's a whole wide world out there, and it all needs to be accounted for, does it not?

David Stephens:
Well, I...

Lumsden:
But they sneer, do they not?

David Stephens:
I'm not sure.

Lumsden:
Oh, it's unfashionable, I know, but yes, we're methodical, yes, we're diligent, yes, we're serious, and where's the crime in that? Why not shout it from the rooftops? Yes, maybe sometimes we're a wee bit boring, but by God we get the job done.

David Stephens:
Yes, sir.

Lumsden:
And that's why I think you fit in here.

David Stephens:
I'm boring?

Lumsden:
You get the job done.

David Stephens:
Oh, I see. I thought you meant...

Juliet Miller:
We're going to dance?

Alex Law:
Well, it's physical contact, isn't it?

David Stephens:
You paid 500 pounds for this?

Juliet Miller:
That's what it cost, David.

David Stephens:
No, no, that's what you paid for it. 500 pounds is what you paid for it. We don't know how much it cost us yet. For you two to have a good time, we don't know the cost of that yet.

Detective-Inspector McCall:
Only three people here? You're sure?

David Stephens:
Yes, absolutely. Who said there were four?

Detective-Inspector McCall:
Make a note of that, Mitchell. Only three, rather than four. Write it down. You can use numbers or words. I have no preference. Which are you using?

Detective-Constable Mitchell:
Both, sir.

Detective-Inspector McCall:
Excellent.

Juliet Miller:
It's about me and David.

Alex Law:
Oh, the perfect couple, I should say.

Juliet Miller:
You mustn't take it so badly.

Alex Law:
Oh, don't worry. I'd do exactly the same thing, only I don't think I'm his type.

Detective-Inspector McCall:
In your work you must meet lots of different people every day. New people, new faces, no?

Juliet Miller:
Yes.

Detective-Inspector McCall:
What do you recognize most, names or faces?

Juliet Miller:
Diseases.

Detective-Inspector McCall:
Like recognizing criminals by their crimes.

Alex Law:
I'd like to ask you about your hobbies... Now when you sacrifice a goat and you rip its heart out with your bare hands, do you then summon hellfire? Or do you just send out for a pizza?

Alex Law:
I'm so happy I could DIE!

David Stephens:
I am not ashamed. I have known love. I have known rejection. I am not ashamed to declare my feelings; take trust for instance, or friendship. These are the important things in life. These are the things that matter, that help you on your way. If you can't trust your friends, well, what then... What then ?... Oh yes. I believe in friends. I believe we need them. But if one day you can't trust them anymore, well, what then... What then?"

David Stephens:
And how would you react, then, if I told you I was the Antichrist?

Juliet Miller:
So this affair you're not having - is it not with a man, or not with a woman?

Juliet Miller:
Have you seen Hugo?

Alex Law:
No. Any idea which channel he's on?

Alex Law:
Look over there! It's Cameron!

Juliet Miller:
Who?

Alex Law:
Cameron. You remember Cameron.

Juliet Miller:
No, I don't.

Alex Law:
What's he doing here?

Juliet Miller:
That's not him.

Alex Law:
It is. Cameron! Cameron! Come on over here! Come on!

Cameron:
What?

Alex Law:
Nothing. We thought you were someone else. Good luck. (Cameron leaves.) I love that guy, but why does he have to follow us around?

Alex Law:
I'm not frightened. I'm a little terrified, maybe.