Short Circuit

Ben Jabituya:
I am thinking she is a virgin. Or at least she used to be.

Ben Jabituya:
With excitement like this, who is needing enemas?

Newton Crosby:
Where are you from, anyway?

Ben Jabituya:
Bakersfield, originally.

Newton Crosby:
No, I mean your ancestors.

Ben Jabituya:
Oh, them. Pittsburgh.

Stephanie Speck:
Life is NOT a malfunction.

Ben Jabituya:
Newton, we are wasting valueless time here.

Ben Jabituya:
I don't know about you, but I am planning to scream and run.

Ben Jabituya:
I am standing here beside myself.

Ben Jabituya:
Oooooh. Her pants are blazing for you.

Ben Jabituya:
Ooh. Her pants are blazing for you, Newton Crosby.

Newton Crosby:
Will you grow up?

Ben Jabituya:
I am sporting a tremendous woody.

Howard Marner:
Crosby, whats it gonna do?

Newton Crosby:
Howard its hard to say, it's malfunctioning, it may not do anything.

Skroeder:
But it could decide to blow away anything that moves couldn't it. COULDN'T IT CROSBY.

Duke:
Will he kill me if I stop?

Ben Jabituya:
Who is to say?

Duke:
Will he kill me if I don't stop?

Ben Jabituya:
Again I am shrugging.

Duke:
I'm stopping.

Howard Marner:
We're going to need you to surrender the robot.

Newton Crosby:
Stat?

Howard Marner:
Stat.

Newton Crosby:
What does that mean, anyway?

Howard Marner:
I don't know. But that's not the point.

Howard Marner:
I thought they were called Choppers.

Skroeder:
Well now we call them Huey's.

Howard Marner:
Well, why wasn't I notified?

Howard Marner:
What if it goes out and melts down a bus load of nuns? How would you like to write the headline on that one?

Benjamin Jabituya:
Nun soup?

Benjamin Jabituya:
Who is knowing how to read the mind of a robot?

Number 5:
Hey Laserlips. Your mama was a snowblower.

Ben Jabituya:
Did she stick her tongue down your throat?

Howard Marner:
What does it need input for?

Newton Crosby:
I don't know; I guess it can't triangulate its position.

Howard Marner:
That's a simple function.

Newton Crosby:
Can you triangulate *your* position, Howard?

Skroeder:
No, I can't.

Newton Crosby:
Well, then, there you go.

Newton Crosby:
Holy sh*t.

Number 5:
No sh*t. Where see sh*t?

Howard Marner:
Who said you could take Number 1?

Newton Crosby:
Logically, if we need defense against Number 5, this is the best we have.

Howard Marner:
Great. So instead of 11 million dollars on the loose, now we'll have 22?

Ben Jabituya:
And plus, we are needing gas money.

Number 5:
Number 5 is alive.

Newton Crosby:
Originally I had non-military purposes in mind. I designed it as a marital aid.

Number 5:
Many fragments. Some large, some small.

Stephanie Speck:
This may be hilarious where you come from, but on this planet it's considered rude.

Stephanie Speck:
What planet is this guy from?

Number 5:
Colt .45. Semi-automatic.

Number 5:
Play-doh.

Ben Jabituya:
I have seen some strange, bizarre drivers, but you. You will be awarded a cake.

Skroeder:
Don't tell me that thing's laser is still armed.

Ben Jabituya:
Bimbo.

Ben Jabituya:
Goodbye crazy lady, I enjoyed repeatedly throwing you to the ground.

Number 5:
Fish. Salmon. Sushie.

Number 5:
Malfunction. Need input.

Stephanie Speck:
Yes, I'd like to speak to one of your head warmongers, please.

Number 5:
Nice software.

Number 5:
Beautiful animal... canine... dog... mutt.

Farmer's wife:
I hope you took the grass out of the glove compartment.

Newton Crosby:
Can you believe it's been five years since I've driven?

Ben Jabituya:
I would say ten.

Newton Crosby:
Are you sure you weren't doing any steering?

Stephanie Speck:
Yeah, I like to drive off cliffs.

Stephanie Speck:
You're a machine from that dumb war lab - I am so stupid!

Number 5:
Stupid - foolish, gullible, doltish, dumbell.

Frank:
How, robot. Me - friend.

Stephanie Speck:
Talk computer, not Apache.

Number 5:
Well, if you gotta go, don't squeeze the Charmin.

Number 5:
Number 5 stupid name... want to be Kevin or Dave!

Number 5:
Bird. Raven. Nevermore.

Ben:
"Unable. Malfunction".

Howard:
How can it refuse to turn itself off?

Skroeder:
Maybe it's pissed off.

Crosby:
It's a machine, Skroeder. It doesn't get pissed off. It doesn't get happy, it doesn't get sad, it doesn't laugh at your jokes.

Ben and Crosby:
It just runs programs.

Howard:
It usually runs programs.

Howard:
[after Number 5 refuses to return to base] Oh, my God. It's not coming back. We've gotta destroy it.

Crosby:
No. Howard, you're overreacting. You can't.

Ben:
Look, let us at least try to catch it first.

Crosby:
Yeah. We'll panic later. Okay?

Howard:
What if you don't catch it? What if it goes out and melts down a busload of nuns?! How would you like to write the headline on that one?!

Ben:
"Nun Soup"?

Crosby:
BEN! [covers Ben's mouth]

Howard:
Hey! Who told you you could take Number 1?!

Crosby:
Howard, logically, if we need protection from Number 5, this is the best weapon we could have.

Howard:
Great. Great! So, instead of $11,000,000 on the loose, we're gonna have 22.

Ben:
And plus, we are needing gas money.

Howard:
I got a phone call from that loony in the lunch wagon. She wants to see you. Only you.

Crosby:
She does?

Ben:
Oh, her pants are blazing for you, Newton Crosby!

Crosby:
Will you grow up?!

Number 5:
No disassemble!

Number 5:
Squash, dead. Disassemble, dead. Disassemble...! [panics] DEAD!!

Number 5:
Frankie, ya broke the unwritten law. Ya ratted on your friends. You do that, Frankie, your enemies don't respect ya. You got no friends no more. You got nobody, Frankie. [normal voice] Pretty good, huh?

Number 5:
Jerk of the world, turkey, idiot, pain in the ass!

Stephanie Speck:
[sees Number 5 in her truck at night] Oh, my God! I knew they'd pick me. I just knew it!

Newton Crosby:
[tells a joke to Number 5] There's a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. They're out playing golf, and they're trying to decide how much to give to charity. So the priest says, "We'll draw a circle on the ground, we'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we give to charity." The minster says no. "We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money way up in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle, that's what we'll give to charity." The rabbi says "No, no, no. We'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!"

Ben Jabituya:
Eat my dust, Newton Crosby. Let us break wind! [retreats]