Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth

Killer:
Do you like scary movies?

Screw:
Oh. What, you mean like Spike Lee movies?

Killer:
Look, lay off the Spikester! He's keeping it real!

Screw:
Is that yours or mine?

Killer:
Ignore it. I have voice mail.

Screw:
Math? How my supposed to know that? I'm a beautiful popular rich kid with a promising future in a light-weight sorority at a state college. I don't need to know that stuff, I'm gonna get married!

Killer:
Do you think this stalking this is easy?

Screw:
Did you just fall in my pool?

Martina:
I've got a weird feeling Dawson.

Dawson:
Wait until you eat the tuna tacos.

Mrs. Peacock, Bulimia Falls HS Secretary:
Dawson, let me introduce you to the principal. Sorry, The Administrator-Formerly-Known-As-Principal.

Martina:
Did you hear the news? About Screw. She was killed. Murdered. Gutted. Flayed. Sliced. Diced. Fried. And hung.

Boner:
I'm never gonna get laid.

Martina:
Oh, and it's all over the TV news.

Boner:
Oh, great! Now everybody knows.

Barbara:
Well, at least I feel safe here. Hi Chuckie!

Chuckie:
Wanna play?

Dawson:
What's the big deal? Kids get killed every day. This is high school.

Slab:
No, Dawson. This kid was white!

Martina:
Who cares about that crap?

Doughy:
I do.

Boner:
Hey guys, I have an idea! Let's all make a pact to lose our virginity before graduation!

Doughy:
I'm in!

Hagatha:
Actually, it's on cable. But it's just as important!

Doughy:
Well, that's more important! On cable you can say dyke, boobies, butts, bastards.

Mrs. Tingle:
Who can tell me if Frankenstein was circumcised?

Doughy:
Hagatha. Now that's a beautiful name.

Hagatha:
Thanks. My friends call me Hag.

Nurse:
Sex can be a beautiful, sensual experience between a man and a woman who truly love each other and want to spend eternity together laying in each other's gentle embrace. Or it can be a dirty, filthy spank-fest in a bus station restroom shared by two anonymous consenting adults on a layover in Detroit and no one ever need know!

Nurse:
...and that's how I knew I wasn't a lesbian!

Hagatha:
Who's that? Your grandmother?

Doughy:
With the bong? Yeah.

Hagatha:
Glaucoma?

Doughy:
No, spring break.

Maitre'D:
Do you have a reservation sir?

Dawson:
Dawson.

Maitre'D:
Party of five?

Dawson:
Wrong network!

Martina:
Didn't your whole family get chopped up and fed to a fish farm?

Dawson:
Allegedly.

Dawson:
After all, it is Halloween.

Slab:
And Friday the 13th!

Dawson:
On the same day? Impossible.

Boner:
Slab's dyslexic.

Barbara:
And so what if Boner's dad was cheating with my mom, causing her to go on a downward spiral resulting into alcoholism?

Boner:
My dad has what?

Dawson:
You know what we've gotta do? We've gotta get out of here!

Boner:
To someplace safe.

Martina:
Yeah, in the middle of nowhere.

Slab:
In the dark woods and pouring rain.

Dawson:
Without any adult supervision or police protection anywhere in the vicinity.

Barbara:
I know just the place! It's been totally deserted ever since those dorky kids were dismembered.

Boner:
Are you talking about band camp?

Mr. Lowelle:
Hello gang, welcome to Sex Education. If you aren't registered for this course or are a Southern Baptist, you're in the wrong room.

Martina:
All right, listen. There are certain rules that you have to follow in a parody situation if you want to survive. Rule number one: exaggerate everything. Number 88: accept the ridiculous as logical.

Martina:
Sexual sight gags, always funny.

Martina:
And along with wacky sound effects...

Martina:
And unlimited absurdity.

Martina:
Remember: nothing is sacred.

Dawson:
You're forgetting, point out the obvious.

Martina:
And finally, perpetually painful stereotypes.

Doughy:
Whereas Hardy enjoys a minuet, ballet ruse and crepes suzette.

Hagitha:
What a wild duet.

Martina:
Still they're cousins.

Dawson:
Identical cousins.

Martina:
They laugh alike.

Dawson:
They walk alike.

Martina:
At times they even talk alike.

Hagitha:
And you can lose your mind.

Dawson:
I thought you were a lesbian.

Martina:
A lesbian? Why?

Dawson:
Hello! You play softball, you watch Ally McBeal... the WNBA!

Martina:
No, Dawson, I'm not gay. Barbara's gay.

Dawson:
Barbara?

Martina:
Big Rosie fan.

Dawson:
But you are a witch?

Martina:
Oh yeah.

Boner:
Roofies are bull, I take them before every date and I never get laid

Slab:
maybe you aren't taking enough

Dawson:
This is the kinda thing you read about

Slab:
Books are pretty

Barbara:
O My God. He is right.

Barbara:
A kid couldn't right that, at least not a kid in public school.

Martina:
Unless he was Japanese.

Boner:
But they aren't historically serial killers.

Slab:
What about Godzilla.

Boner:
Born in international waters.

Female Prison Guard:
Time's up, Boner!

Jimmy Boner:
It's Boner!

Female Prison Guard:
Not for long. Dead boner walking!

Barbara:
Do they know who did it?

Martina:
Some guy in a ghost mask costume.

Barbara:
That doesn't sound scary.

Martina:
Store bought?

Barbara:
Ahhh! That's scary!