Sledge Hammer!

[repeated line]

Sledge Hammer:
Trust me - I know what I'm doing!

Dori:
Captain!... Trust me!... I didn't know what I was doing!

Sledge Hammer:
That's what I like about you Doreau, you think like a man.

Suzi Swallow:
Inspector Hammer, do you have a prediction?

Sledge Hammer:
Yes. The first brain-transplant will be performed & YOU will be the reciprient.

Sledge Hammer:
When am I on?

Dori:
You follow a guy from Dallas & precede a guy from Miami.

Sledge Hammer:
Between Dallas & Miami... what a terrible place to be! [in reference to the show's no-win timeslot opposite both 'Dallas' & 'Miami Vice']

Captain Trunk:
[to terrorist] Alright! Your show's been cancelled!

Sledge Hammer:
You talking to me?

Dori:
Sorry to interrupt you, Captain.

Sledge Hammer:
Just wanted to cheer you up.

Captain Trunk:
That's impossible. This is the worst day of my life.

Sledge Hammer:
Now you see right there, you're wrong. You've said many times that the worst day of your life was the day I joined the force.

[Trunk looks at Hammer]

Sledge Hammer:
Now you feel better?

Captain Trunk:
Yes.

Sledge Hammer:
All cops face violence. The ones who can't deal with it crack. The ones who do, teach.

Sledge Hammer:
Every breath you take, every move you make... I'll be watching you. That's police talk.

Sledge Hammer:
Any calls?

Dori:
Three. Two wrong numbers and an offer to cater a Bar Mitzvah. I told them 'no,' 'no,' and 'maybe.'

Sledge Hammer:
[Notices that Doreau is sporting a Veronica Lake hairstyle] New hairdo?

Dori:
Yes. This is what happens when I can't afford my regular hairdresser.

Sledge Hammer:
Just remember, if you don't look good, we don't look good. Nice outfit; now that the first time you look like a real... girl.

Dori:
Yeah, if I don't get my hair fixed, I'll need a guide dog. [Blows her hair off her face]

Sledge Hammer:
Now you've gone and done it. You just broke a family heirloom. That lamp had great sentimental value. It accidentally electrocuted my grandfather.

Robin Leach:
Good evening, I'm Robin Leach. The producers of Sledge Hammer! have asked me to explain tonight's episode. Let me be frank - it is an attempt to boost ratings. There are many ways to do this: better scripts, more warmth and big-name guest stars. But, we're desperate. So on tonight's episode, we're gonna to rely on four sure-fire ratings grabbers: sex, violence, rock music, and, best of all, a cliffhanger ending that will keep our viewers glued to the edge of their seats until next season. Thus, ensuring there will be a next season. Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

Thug:
Drop your gun and kick it over here.

[Sledge puts the gun down]

Thug:
I said kick it over here.

Sledge Hammer:
Forget it, Slimeball. I never kick a friend when he's down.

Dori:
I had a pervert call me once.

Sledge Hammer:
Oh, how'd you get him to stop? Change your number?

Dori:
No, I stopped dating him.

Sledge Hammer:
You know what I'm going to do to you? I'm going to stick your head in that microwave and set it on "sandwich."

Dori:
Hammer, you can't do that!

Sledge Hammer:
What? There's no setting for sandwich?

Sledge Hammer:
You've never played target practice?

Soviet Scientist:
In Russia, we practice by shooting dissidents.

Sledge Hammer:
Here we call them liberals.

Dori:
I've got an idea.

Sledge Hammer:
Now you're thinking like a man!

Cliff:
*You're* with the police department?

Sledge Hammer:
No no no. No, I *am* the police department.

Captain Trunk:
Hammer, you're the only man I know who can't even *win* gracefully.

Sledge Hammer:
[to reporter] I would like to address that particular stereotype if I may. Now, your stereotypical donut is nothing but dough and sugar fried in fat, am I right? Now that fat gums up your arteries and goes to your brain, and you turn liberal. And the next thing you know, Barry Manilow is on the turn-table and you're not going to work and you're voting for gun control. You see what I'm saying? You see the connection? That's why I eat granola.

Captain Trunk:
[Trunk watches Hammer attach something to the barrel of his gun] Is that a silencer?

Sledge Hammer:
No, it's not a silencer. This little doodad is my own invention. I call it a loudener.

Sledge Hammer:
Don't ever touch my hand when I'm going for my gun!

Sledge Hammer:
Now where am I on this lineup?

Dori:
You're following a guy from Dallas and preceeding somebody from Miami.

Sledge Hammer:
Between Dallas and Miami? What terrible place would it be?

Dori:
[at Sledge pulling out a gun on some drunk in a bar] Sledge, you can't solve everything with a gun!

Sledge Hammer:
[looking at her slightly puzzled] I know, but I left bazooka in my car.

Dori:
Guns don't kill people...

Sledge Hammer:
Yeah, bullets do.

Dori:
Oh, Sledge, you don't honestly believe the networks are trying to turn people into mindless automotons, do you?

Sledge Hammer:
Haven't you ever seen Matlock?

Dori:
Well, it looks like justice was done.

Sledge Hammer:
It sure was. Those were the ugliest shoes I've ever seen.

Captain Trunk:
Hammer, what happened? Didn't they try to brainwash you?

Sledge Hammer:
That's right, captain, they did. They tried to play on my subconscious. But they forgot one important thing.

Captain Trunk:
What's that?

Sledge Hammer:
I don't have a subconscious.

Captain Trunk:
Hammer, I'm amazed that you were able to hold out against their brainwashing.

Sledge Hammer:
Well, it was easy, sir. I simply thought about one thing.

Captain Trunk:
What was that?

Sledge Hammer:
Well, who's always close to my side? Someone I'm afraid I've been neglecting lately. Someone for whom I've never been able to express my true feelings.

[Dori blushes and smiles as Hammer looks at her]

Sledge Hammer:
Someone who's beautiful. Sleek. Attractive. I think it's obvious who I'm talking about, sir.

Dori:
Oh, Sledge, stop!

Sledge Hammer:
[Pulls out gun] My gun.

Captain Trunk:
Hammer, you are a truly sensitive guy.

Sledge Hammer:
I never thought you'd know that.

Narrator in opening sequence:
The following season of Sledge Hammer! takes place five years before that nuclear explosion. Thank you.

Sledge Hammer:
Captain Trunk has been like a second-hand father to Raker for years. 'How sharper than a serpent's tooth is an ungrateful punk.'

Landon Smartikoff:
Ultimately, man and TV will combine to form a newer, higher being. Yes, a super race! Smarter, brighter, new and improved. [Rests his hand upon a TV set] And it will all start here, and with those who watch it. Yes, the rulers of *tomorrow* sit in front of the TV *today*.

Captain Trunk:
How's the investigation going? Any leads?

Sledge Hammer:
No, but after a few more victims get killed, we'll have more to go on.

Captain Trunk:
I feel a migraine coming on here, I know it...

Sledge Hammer:
Now, Captain, I think I have found a way of getting rid of those headaches, once and for all.

Captain Trunk:
What is that?

Sledge Hammer:
[whips out GIANT needles] Acupuncture!

Captain Trunk:
Get away from me.

Sledge Hammer:
I'm good with these.

Captain Trunk:
I said, get away from me. Get away from me with the needles, Hammer! GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THOSE NEEDLES!

Captain Trunk:
Fifteen Elvis Presley impersonators killed in the last three weeks.

Dori:
What on Earth could be the killer's motive to murder 15 Elvis impersonators?

Sledge Hammer:
Obviously to get into the Guinness Book.

Sledge Hammer:
You know, of all my years of being a cop, I will never figure out how people time and time again can do something like this.

Dori:
It's true. Taking out a human life is just deplorable.

Sledge Hammer:
Not that. The drawings of chalk outlines of dead bodies, that's just a ridiculous way of living!

Captain Trunk:
How's this investigation going? Any leads?

Sledge Hammer:
No, but after a few more victims get killed, we'll have more to go on.

[Hammer sneaks into the student records room of the School of Elvis Impersonators and looks under the file "Grads '86" when Mr. Yamamoto opens the door and turns on the lights]

Yamamoto:
You're not supposed to be in here! This is the student records room. Private! I'm calling police.

Sledge Hammer:
Hold on, friend. I am the police.

[Pulls out badge]

Sledge Hammer:
Inspector Sledge Hammer. I'm on an investigation.

Yamamoto:
Investigation?

Sledge Hammer:
So maybe you can help me. Can you think of any past students who might have... I don't know... acted, sort of... strangely?

Yamamoto:
Yes, all of them!

Sledge Hammer:
Can you think of one who might have resorted to... murder?

Yamamoto:
I'm not answering any more questions.

[Points to the door]

Yamamoto:
Leave! Right now! I want to get off in time to watch "Mr. Belvedere."

Sledge Hammer:
I guess somebody has to.

Sledge Hammer:
I'm already taking an adult education class in philosophy.

Dori Doreau:
Really? Who? Kierkegaard? Spinoza?

Sledge Hammer:
Jack Webb.

Sledge Hammer:
Alright, pigskin, but just remember, you're suspecto numero uno. Every breath you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you. That's police talk.

Sledge Hammer:
I'm not afraid of anything - except world peace!

Sledge Hammer:
[after the communist agent he was pursuing falls from the train] Well, so much for glasnost!

Doctor:
That blow to Detective Doreau's head has caused a behavioral imbalance. She's become excessively violent, irrational, and dangerous.

Sledge Hammer:
That happened to me once... the day I was born.

Sledge Hammer:
This isn't a precinct, it's Pee Wee's Playhouse!

Dori Doreau:
[Pointing a gun at the French counterfeiter] You'll get what's coming to you, you creep suzette!

Sledge Hammer:
[Hammer answers phone at bank robbery standoff] Second National Bank; hostage speaking.

Captain Trunk:
Hammer, this is Trunk. Have they hurt anyone?

Sledge Hammer:
No.

Captain Trunk:
Have *you* hurt anyone?

Sledge Hammer:
Not yet.

bystanders:
[standing outside clock shop while Hammer defuses a bomb] Go! Hammer, Go! Go! Hammer, Go!

Officers:
[watching TV at precinct] Go! Hammer, Go! Go! Hammer, Go!

Captain Trunk:
[watching TV in office] Go! Bomb, Go!

[after being suspended from duty, Hammer saves the day by defusing a bomb. Captain Trunk reluctantly welcomes him back to the force]

Captain Trunk:
I hate to say it, but it's good to have you on the force.

[they shake hands]

Sledge Hammer:
Thank you, Captain.

Captain Trunk:
And if there's ever anything I can do for you, please tell me.

Sledge Hammer:
Oh, no.

[pause]

Sledge Hammer:
Well, there is one... no, it's... well, I mean, I've always wanted to do it, but it takes two people.

Captain Trunk:
This does not involve a gun, does it?

Sledge Hammer:
[laughing] No, no!

[Cut to Later:
Hammer raises a kiddie's bow-and-arrow set, while Captain Trunk places an apple on his head]

Captain Trunk:
Hammer, I got a problem. Do you know a reporter named Phil Gum from Action News?

Sledge Hammer:
I don't watch the news. I make it.

Captain Trunk:
He wants to ride along with one of us... for one day.

Sledge Hammer:
So what's the problem?

Captain Trunk:
He chose you!

Sledge Hammer:
Why me?

Captain Trunk:
Because, Hammer, on paper, you have a perfect arrest record. You have put over a thousand men behind bars. God knows if any of them are guilty of anything!

Sledge Hammer:
They look guilty to me.

Captain Trunk:
Hammer, you don't seem to understand the point of my dilemma. I've been fighting with city hall for over two months now. They're talking about making cutbacks! The mayor is threatening this entire department! Do you understand what I'm saying?

Sledge Hammer:
You want me to kill the mayor?

Captain Trunk:
No! I'm saying this report will help us or hurt us. It could be good PR or bad PR. I'm ordering you to act responsibly!

Sledge Hammer:
Don't worry captain. Me and my one-man band will give them a little wholesome family entertainment!

Captain Trunk:
Hammer, put that gun away. [Hammer does]

Captain Trunk:
NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

Officers:
[watching Hammer defuse a bomb] Go, Hammer, go! Go, Hammer, go! Go, Hammer, go!

Captain Trunk:
Go, Bomb, go! Go, Bomb, go!

Dori:
The terrorist has demanded a million dollars, a private jet and an end to the Star Wars program.

Sledge Hammer:
Yeah, three movies was enough.

Thug:
This cop said he didn't have any handcuffs, so he tied me to the front of his car and called me a deer. Then he called me names! He called me 'Bambi'!

[Sledge enters with reporter]

Thug:
Hey! That's him! That's the cop!

Reporter:
Who's that?

Sledge Hammer:
Oh, just my favorite hood ornament.

Sledge Hammer:
No! No! Nada! No! No shrinks for daddy! I want no part of this freak!

Captain Trunk:
Hammer, what is the matter with you? What are you afraid of? Haven't you ever been analyzed?

Sledge Hammer:
Not by anybody who lived!

Captain Trunk:
Hammer, this could help you! It could explain your use of excessive force!

Sledge Hammer:
Excessive force! What excessive force?

Captain Trunk:
What excessive force??? What about that time you broke up that floating casino with a torpedo?

Sledge Hammer:
Ahhhh! You shoulda seen that. Everywhere you looked, fish & chips!

Weisbart:
You don't like psychiatrists, do you, Hammer?

Sledge Hammer:
The last guy to point a finger at me ended up LIMPING through the Yellow Pages.

Weisbart:
Hammer, we must start out by trusting one another.

Sledge Hammer:
Trust you? You sound like a Nazi.

Weisbart:
Well, thank you very much, but enough about me. Why don't you just make yourself comfortable? Uh, perhaps you want to take off your gun?

Sledge Hammer:
I never take off my gun.

Weisbart:
Now, surely you must take it off sometime. I mean, you wouldn't sleep with your gun.

Sledge Hammer:
Says who?

Weisbart:
I will show you these ink-blots & you tell me what you see.

Sledge Hammer:
a .44 magnum blowing away a sleezeball [next] A machine gun wasting an oil refinery [next] A field of p*ssy-willows [next] a sub-machine gun blowing away the p*ssy willows [next] a duck handcuffing a naked lady.

Weisbart:
That's funny [looking at ink-blot] I never noticed the duck!

Bartender:
[referring to Doreau] Hey buddy, you look a lot better since you got her back.

Sledge Hammer:
[referring to gun] Yeah [pulling gun] and now I'm gonna take her out & shoot her!

Dori Doreau:
[Watching as Sledge fondles his magnum] Boy, you really love that gun, don't you?

Sledge Hammer:
Doreau, guns help us survive in this jungle.

Dori Doreau:
You know, Hammer, in London the cops don't carry guns, and the criminals don't carry guns, and London's a very safe city to live in.

Sledge Hammer:
Yeah, especially if you're a crook and you got a gun.

Sledge Hammer:
You know what that gun meant to me? It was my Dr. Watson, my Tonto, my Ed McMahon!

Sledge Hammer:
Look, lady, what is the matter with you, huh? I got money coming out of my ears and you're standing in the way of giving a kid a good home. You oughta see my place. I mean, I got everything. I got a hot tub, I got a barbecue pit, a pool table, I have a whole large collection of adult films on videotape, and a Doberman that needs a playmate. So what's the problem...

Adoption Agency Manager:
[Aghast] Please leave now!

Sledge Hammer:
And there's a stewardess next door who likes to sunbathe nude, and I need a little tot to put on my shoulders to help to steady the binoculars!

Adoption Agency Manager:
Get out! I wouldn't place Lizzie Borden with you people!

Sledge Hammer:
That's OK, I wouldn't take her. I ordered a boy!

Sledge Hammer:
I just would like say your Honor, that is a particularly becoming shade of black you're wearing.

Judge Ida Grim:
Inspector Hammer, this court will not be influenced by flattery.

Sledge Hammer:
Would you rather have cash?

Collins:
I'm not into the ERA, I'm into the NRA!

Vigilante Cop:
What do you think about reading a suspect his rights?

Sledge Hammer:
I prefer to read him his *last* rites, if you know what I mean...

Vigilante:
What do you think about the death penalty?

Sledge Hammer:
It's too lenient. There's always the possibility of reincarnation.

Vigilante Cop:
The reason we're here, Inspector Hammer, is to invite you to join a clandestine group whose members share the singular purpose of righting wrongs through force and aggression.

Sledge Hammer:
Oh, I'm already a registered Republican.

Cindy:
A guy gave me one hundred dollars and a pass-key and told me to go to apartment number 13 and put knockout drops in...

Sledge Hammer:
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Apartment 13? I live in apartment 12!

Dori Doreau:
Oh, Hammer, the poison wasn't for you!

Sledge Hammer:
Oh, this is great. Now when I die, my NEIGHBOR'S life will flash in front of my eyes!

Officer Dodge:
[as Sledge and Dori attempt to enter Trunk's room] Hold it right there - Why did the chicken cross the road?

Sledge Hammer:
To avoid the death penalty.

Officer Dodge:
Go right in, Inspector.

Sledge Hammer:
Guess who thought up that password.

Dori Doreau:
You?

Sledge Hammer:
[Dejectedly] You're no fun any more.

[an inspector from Internal Affairs reviews Hammer's file]

Inspector Perkins:
We're going to talk to that suspect you've just arrested! I want to see if he wants to file a formal complaint against you.

[Down in the jail:
]

Inspector Perkins:
Mr. Slag, I want to know if Inspector Hammer has mistreated you in any way.

[Slag holds up his hands, which are shackled]

Inspector Perkins:
What are these? Are these shackles really necessary?

Sledge Hammer:
I'm just trying to make his stay in Hotel Hammer a little more uncomfortable.

Inspector Perkins:
Remove these shackles.

Sledge Hammer:
You don't want me to remove them.

Inspector Perkins:
Inspector Hammer!

[Slag smirks and holds up his hands. Hammer sighs and unlocks the shackles]

Inspector Perkins:
There. Does that feel better, Slag?

[Slag immediately starts throttling Perkins. As he chokes and gasps, Hammer stands by calmly]

Sledge Hammer:
Just, uh, tell me if you want me to help you. You know, just say, "help me, Hammer" and I'll...

[He leans forward, as though trying to hear]

Inspector Perkins:
[manages to croak] Help.

[Hammer nods and draws his gun]

Sledge Hammer:
All right, heel, ratboy.

[Slag drops Perkins, and shrugs innocently]

Sledge Hammer:
Who are you?

Cultist:
I'm a soldier of the evil!

Sledge Hammer:
Finally, someone I can talk to! At least I know where he's coming from.

Sledge Hammer:
While you were all playing around on the roof, I made a little run to the arsenal. And now - it's HAMMER TIME!

Captain Trunk:
Hammer, this is Inspector Perkins from Internal Affairs!

Sledge Hammer:
A cop who busts cops, huh?

Inspector Perkins:
Does he work here?

Dori Doreau:
This is Inspector Sledge Hammer.

Inspector Perkins:
I don't recall seeing that name. Who is this man you're so clearly abusing?

Slag:
The name is Slag.

Sledge Hammer:
Slag. This rodent is the leader of a bloodthirsty cult of Satan worshippers. And so far, I like him better than I like you.

Inspector Perkins:
[Angrily throws personnel file in front of Sledge] Look at this! You ran a counterfeiter through his own printing press. He was almost killed!

Sledge Hammer:
Yeah, but he looked like a million bucks.

Inspector Perkins:
You have violated twenty-five of the twenty-six amendments to the Constitution!

Sledge Hammer:
I missed one?

Dori Doreau:
[Sledge Hammer turns on the TV] What's so important?

Sledge Hammer:
Liam Johnson is being interviewed. We should have more judges like him.

Captain Trunk:
We did. In the Spanish Inquisition. That man is completely over the edge.

Dori Doreau:
Didn't he put a man on the Death Row and leave him there until he died of old age?

Sledge Hammer:
And nobody mentions his sense of humour.

Reporter Brianne O'Brian:
We all know how you feel about the death penalty. Where do you stand on the electric chair?

Judge Liam Jackson:
Right next to the switch.

Sledge Hammer:
[Sitting at counter of coffee shop] Dang! They never have my favorite song on the jukebox.

Dori Doreau:
What's that?

Sledge Hammer:
Taps.

Gilmore Yates:
Their voices. If I could hear their voices I'd remember them. I always had a good ear!

Sledge Hammer:
Yeah?

Gilmore Yates:
My left one.

Captain Trunk:
Hammer, I must congratulate you on apprehending those bank robbers. I just can't believe you were able to get them to surrender their weapons by reading aloud from the collected works of Rod McKuen.

Sledge Hammer:
You know, some of them were weeping openly. The truth is, poetry is more effective than tear gas.

Dori Doreau:
Haven't they tried any alternatives? What about that "Straighten Out" program where convicts warn youths about prison life?

Captain Trunk:
They brought prisoners in to speak at the school last month. The kids aided them in making an escape.

Dori Doreau:
Oh.

Captain Trunk:
Now, these animals are violent, destructive, and they have no respect for authority.

Sledge Hammer:
Don't worry, Captain. I won't be suckered in by their virtues!

Sledge Hammer:
Doreau, that was excessively violent and completely unnecessary. I loved it. It was poetry in motion.

Sledge Hammer:
You hear that? I'm off suspension. Looks like they can't keep a good man down. Or me, either.

Mayor Jack Flambo:
That man makes Rambo look like Pee-Wee Herman.

Reporter:
We're here at the scene of a liquor store robbery that was thwarted by the man beside me, Inspector Sledge Hammer. Inspector Hammer, tell us what happened.

Sledge Hammer:
Well, Miss, I was in this store when two thugs entered and threatened the owner with shotguns. At that time, I drew my Magnum and killed them both. Then I bought some eggs, and some milk, and some of those little cocktail weinies.

Reporter:
Inspector Hammer, was what you did in that store absolutely necessary?

Sledge Hammer:
Oh, yes, I had no groceries at all.

Captain Trunk:
You couldn't resist it, could you, Hammer? You just couldn't resist blowing up a building on your way to work this morning, could you Hammer?

Sledge Hammer:
Look. The only way to fight criminals is to be, you know, wilder than they are!

[makes whistling missile and explosion noise]

Dori:
Could we kill the lights, please?

[Sledge happily reaches for his gun]

Captain Trunk:
Keep that gun in your holster, Hammer!

Dori:
Hammer, I got great news!

Sledge Hammer:
What, you can finally buy guns from vending machines?

Dori Doreau:
You know that when someone steps in with an accusation like that, the accuser should stand some sort of scrutiny.

Elizabeth Jenkins:
What are you trying to say?

Dori Doreau:
I know Sledge Hammer a long time... Granted - that Sledge is irresponsible, undependable, egothistical, insensitive, chauvinistic, sadistic and cruel but other than that he is a terrific guy! I think your grievances about him are bogus.

Elizabeth Jenkins:
Listen, doll. My life at this precinct has been an ordeal, and don't you try to make it any worse! I shouldn't have transfered from the 33rd... And you stay the hell out of my locker! You've got that?

Sledge Hammer:
[Talks to gun] I don't know about you, but I'm stuffed. What do you say we take a look at those videos I rented?

[Puts gun back in holster and goes to the living room to check out the video tapes]

Sledge Hammer:
'On Golden Gun,' 'Peggy Sue Got Murdered,' 'The Way We Wounded... ' 'Home Video Target Range,' what'll they think of next?

[Inserts 'Home Video Target Range' video into VCR and turns on TV]

Video Narrator:
Shoot me. Shoot me. Shoot me. Shoot me.

[Hammer shoots TV]

Sledge Hammer:
[Talking to gun] Remind me not to rent that one again. It's too expensive.