Soap

Announcer:
This is the story of two sisters. Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells, and this is Soap.

Jessica Gatling Tate, Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell:
[after Burt and Chester start a physical altercation] Hey! Stop! [soon the whole family tries to stop Burt and Chester from fighting]

[Doorbell rings]

Benson:
You want me to get that?

Jessica Gatling Tate:
If you don't mind.

Danny:
Women can't be gay. Because if men were gay and women were gay they'd cancel each other out.

[Approaching Eunice to be a character witness at Jessica's murder trial]

Mallu:
Do you have any secrets.

Eunice Tate:
No.

Benson:
Wanna bet?

Eunice Tate:
No one knows.

Benson:
I know.

Eunice Tate:
You're the only one who knows.

Benson:
Well if I know you never know who else knows.

Eunice Tate:
You're right. I can't testify.

Mallu:
I know!

Jodie Dallas:
Plato was gay.

Jessica Gatling Tate:
Mickey Mouse's dog was gay?

Jodie Dallas:
Goofy was his lover.

Saul:
I'm 4064 years old. What do you think I owe it to, a terrific moisturizer?

Jessica Gatling Tate:
Billy go get mother... something...

Billy Tate:
Why can't anybody in this family talk in front of me? For years I went around thinking a surprise party was being planned for me!

Corinne Tate Flotsky:
I'm moving in with Peter Campbell... who's also having an affair with mother.

Eunice Tate:
Come on, Corinne you're not allowed to lie.

Corinne Tate Flotsky:
It's the truth.

Eunice Tate:
Mother? Our mother? The mother downstairs? Jessica? The redhead?

Corinne Tate Flotsky:
That's the one.

Eunice Tate:
I can't believe it. I mean it took me twenty years to believe she did it with daddy.

Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell:
I have one son who's about to become my daughter, another son whom people are trying to kill, I have a lunatic stepson and a dummy living in my home and a husband who won't make love to me. That's not life, that's something by Tennessee Williams!

[Jessica and Mary thumbing through a photo album]

Jessica Gatling Tate:
Look, Mary.

Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell:
Randolph.

Jessica Gatling Tate:
That's right. Our brother. Our brother who fathered an illegitimate child with a Swedish maid and then disappeared into the wilds of Ecuador. Don't you find that a little peculiar?

Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell:
Jessie, Randolph was peculiar. Any man who would go to Ecuador to sell wall-to-wall carpet is not all there.

The Major:
Let's synchronize our watches. It's now... 3-ish.

Ingrid Svenson:
You think I'm finished?

Jessica Gatling Tate:
No, Swedish.

[Burt, Danny and Jodie trying get a couch through a door]

Danny:
Ah, leave it. It's probably swollen.

Jodie Dallas:
Danny, this is a couch not a foot.

Danny:
Same principle.

[Jessica telling off the devil]

Jessica Gatling Tate:
I hope you realise I'm holding you personally responsible for any and all damages done to these premises! (To chester) Except of course for the spoon that got caught in the garbage disposal. I don't think I can blame him for that.

[in a sex therapist's office]

Dr Medlow:
What seems to be the problem?

Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell:
Burt can't have sex with me.

Burt:
Great. Why don't you tell the whole world, Mary. Or better yet put it in the Yellow Pages under Burt.

[on trying to establish alibi's for Peter's murder]

Chief Tinkler:
Where were you between midnight and 7am?

Chuck:
I was with Bob here.

Bob:
Yes he was I can vouch for him.

Chief Tinkler:
O.K. I can cross you off my list... wait a minute suspect number ten.

Bob:
And eleven?

Chief Tinkler:
And eleven.

[after describing the often confusing plot line from the previous epsiode at the top of every show]

Announcer:
Confused? You won't be after this episode of "Soap"!

Mary Campbell:
You mean, you're in love with a hooker you haven't even... hooked?

Danny:
You'd love Gwen. Everybody does.

Mary Campbell:
That's the problem!

Burt:
[about the alien who will be impersonating him] Is he - is he gonna sleep with my wife?

Chief Alien Creature:
Why do you think he's jumping up and down? He has not had sex for two thousand years!

The Godfather:
[after Danny has left] Just wait until he finds out who killed his father.

Leslie Walker:
You're 18. You're a man. I am no longer bound by any legal or moral code. I can safely give you your present, and tonight, I'm gonna light up every candle on your cake.

Billy Tate:
I'd better start thinking of a wish.

Burt:
Seven of my guys are going to be off today 'cause it's a Jewish holiday and I'm gonna have to do all their jobs. What really gets me is that I don't think they're all Jewish... two of them are black and one's an Indian.

The Godfather:
What is this? A musical?

Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell:
[at the sex therapist's office] This is a perfectly normal office.

Burt:
Normal, huh? Take a look at some of these books: "Sexual Perversion: Fact or Fiction" Normal? "Sexuality in Infancy" Oh, I like that one a lot. "The Frigid Woman", "The Impotent Male" - I have to get out of here.

Burt:
[Burt has been kidnapped by space aliens, and informed that one of them is going to be sent down to live in his house] He's not gonna, uh... umm... uh...

Space Alien:
Sleep with your wife? Of course! Why do you think he's jumping up and down? He has not had sex for 2,000 years.

Chester Tate:
[after tasting his coffee] Benson! Did you put sugar in this?

Benson DuBois:
Is it sweet?

Chester Tate:
Very!

Benson DuBois:
Then I guess I did.

Chester Tate:
Benson, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm a diabetic, I can't have sugar.

Benson DuBois:
Oh, I keep thinking it's salt you can't have.

Chester Tate:
I can't have salt either, Benson.

Benson DuBois:
[pointing at the coffee cup] Ain't no salt in there.

Barney Gerber:
Jodie, did I ever tell you about my wife? I know, you're not in the mood right now to hear stories by old men, but you listen, because it could help. My wife, Jodie, oh-ho, my wife was a wonder. I swear, she was a miracle, Jodie. She used to walk down the street - the whole Bronx would light up. I used to stare at her in amazement, thinking how lucky I was. And after fifteen years, I still stared at that woman in amazement. She was all I needed, Jodie, I had the whole world right there. If I'd died, I could've died happy. The, uh... the trouble was, she died. One day, she wakes up - little lump. Six months later, bing bing. The light goes out on my life. Oh boy. I tell you, I walked around for months, I was doubled over. It was like somebody slugged me! I went through the normal routine of daily living, I ate, I slept, I went to the bathroom... and in between these three major activities, Jodie, there was... a lot of pain. I never thought 'I'm ever gonna fall in love again', bah. Well, a few years later, I met a redhead. Not like my wife, no. Entirely different. So, I ate, I slept, I went to the bathroom, and one day... I laughed. One day, I noticed, I laughed. Then another day I hummed. And then soon after... I sang. And well... I married her! Ah, Jodie, if we weren't happy... in an entirely different way, it wasn't better, it wasn't worse, it was... different. There I was, miserable Barney Gerber, happy again. Heh, you see, Jodie? You see how smart I was, I thought 'I'll never love again'. I thought 'I'll never be happy again'. I also thought... 'I'll never have to say goodbye again'. Yeah. Ten years we were happy, Jodie, and then one day... agh, some maniac with bourbon in his blood, something on his mind, runs through a red light... and stops Barney Gerber right in mid-song. Well. That was sixteen months ago. Since then, I have eaten, I have slept. Occasionally, I went to the bathroom, and I... I had a heart attack. So I said, 'Gerber that's all, you're finished, forget it. What, it's never going to happen again! Once was wonderful. Twice was incredible. A third time? Ah, you're kidding yourself. A third time would be asking for a miracle.' But you know something, Jodie? I don't really believe that! If I believed that, I wouldn't be here, in this hotel, letting them sew Dacron into my heart to hold it together. I wouldn't be here, begging my blood to visit my heart at least a few times a day, y'know, to keep it going! I wouldn't be here at all, Jodie, if I didn't believe it could be! A third time! Ah, listen, listen, mein kind, I know that you don't feel so terrific right now. But wait, Jodie. Wait! Someday, I guarantee you... you're going to hear somebody laughing. And you'll turn around... and it'll be you.

Jessica Gatling Tate:
Chester, what I did was wrong and I am not trying to minimize it by saying this, but I mean Chester, what I did for a few weeks, you made into a career!

Chief of Police Tinkler:
[Pointing at Jodie] You too are a suspect.

Jodie Dallas:
Oh, I can't wait to hear why.

Chief of Police Tinkler:
Because you're a homo.

Benson:
That's almost as good as my reason.

Chief of Police Tinkler:
[Pointing at Benson] He's a suspect.

Chester Tate:
Why?

Chief of Police Tinkler:
Well, for two reasons. Number 1, because he's black.

Benson:
[nodding] That's fair.

Jodie Dallas:
Mom, last night he told me that sometimes he thinks he's invisible.

Mary Campbell:
He was joking with you. Invisible!

Jodie Dallas:
He was serious, Mom! He told me that sometimes he can walk through a room and nobody sees him. He says it helps him greatly with his detective work!

Chester Tate:
So, what you're saying is it'll be a difficult case.

Mr. Franklin:
Mr. Tate... Clarence Darrow in his prime, arguing this case against a mute prosecutor with a jury of Mrs. Tate's relatives, with you sitting as the judge, could not possibly hope to win!

Jessica Tate:
All my life, people have always believed me. See, I have that kind of face. My mother once said to me "Jessica, with a face like that you could get away with murder."

E. Ronald Mallou, Esq.:
[referring to Danny, Jodie, Chuck-Bob, and Bert] I have for character witnesses Al Capone, Tinkerbell, Punch and Judy, and the Invisible Man.

[Billy is depressed about being dumped by his girlfriend]

Chester Tate:
Billy, let me tell you a story. During the war, this guy Herbie and I became friends. Well, Herbie fell in love with a wonderful Italian girl, Carla. Thinking of Carla is what got him through the war. Well, Carla died and Herbie nearly fell apart. He stayed in, drank; I've never seen anyone so miserable. And then one day, Herbie came to me and he said "Chet, life must go on." And Herbie went on. A few years later, he fell in love with another woman, married her and they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon and she ran off with a steel band. But Herbie went on. He married again and this time, at the wedding reception, his bride left him for the caterer. But still, Herbie went on. His next wife ran off with his partner who ran off with his business. But still, Herbie went on. Because you see, Billy, he knew that there's a whole world out there. He knew that somewhere, around some corner, he would find happiness.

Billy Tate:
Wow, I feel like a jerk. Look at Herbie, a lifetime of disasters. I had a week with a thirteen-year-old shrimp who lisps and I'm gonna throw my life away? Thanks, dad.

Chester Tate:
Good boy, I'll see you at breakfast. [starts to leave]

Billy Tate:
Hey dad, where's Herbie now?

Chester Tate:
Oh, he's in a mental institution.

Billy Tate:
What?

Chester Tate:
Yes, he just sits in the corner, talks in numbers and makes lovely baskets.

Billy Tate:
But, I thought he always goes on.

Chester Tate:
Oh Billy, please, there's just so much "going on" that a man can do.

Jessica:
Dutch, tell me: did you really kill a man?

Dutch:
Yeah.

Jessica:
Dead? You shot him dead?

Dutch:
That's usually what happens in a successful killing.

Jessica:
Of course.

Dutch:
You see, what happened is that when I got out of the Navy, I borrowed some money to go into business. The banks all turned me down for a loan, so I went to a local loan company. They gave me $5000 at a very high rate of interest. In the first week, when I couldn't come up with the dough, they broke my fingers. The second week, they broke my nose, two ribs and my knee. Plus the guy who was beating me up had a very bad cold, so I ended up with a terrible cough. The next week, they was gonna break my head, but I convinced them not to.

Jessica:
How?

Dutch:
Well, I talked to them for a while and then I shot 'em.

Jessica:
I think that should be considered self-defense.

Dutch:
It was, but the guy who owned the loan company turned out to be the Chief of Police.

[Following his brain surgery, Chester is having severe memory problems]

Chester:
It's all lost to me. My past, my future... it's all gone! I try. I try so hard to remember. I can't. I'm so afraid if I don't remember soon, you'll have me put away. You've all been so good to me. I must have been some guy to have such a beautiful bunch of people love me the way you do.

Jessica:
Chester.

Chester:
It's agony. To know I have a wonderful son and daughters and a wife and not know who they are. Sometimes, I swear... it's almost too much to bear.

Jessica:
Oh, Chester. I just know that someday you'll remember.

Chester:
Remember what?

Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell:
It's pornography.

Jessica Gatling Tate:
Not only that, Mary, but nobody has any clothes on!

[Burt, Danny, Jodie, Chuck and Bob are all drunk in a bar]

Burt:
Life plays funny tricks.

Bob:
[to Chuck] Oh, god, he's gonna make a speech. Spare me, please.

Danny:
Don't mind him, Burt, he's drunk.

Burt:
You see, what happens in life is this: Something bad happens to you and you say, "Oh, god! Look at This bad thins that just happened to me." Then you figure it's over and it will all get good again, but then what happens is another bad thing happens and then you say, "Pfft! That was a surprise. I mean, two bad thing in a row, but I guess that's it for a while, 'cause I just had my quota of bad." And then what happens is that some awful thing happens to you, like everything gets taken away from you, and you say, "Pfft! Well, that's it. I mean there's nothing else that can happen now. I lost everything!" And then, life plays its "funny trick"... you die.

Danny:
Life is unfair to do that!

[Burt, Danny, Jodie, Chuck and Bob are all drunk in a bar]

Jodie:
I'm not gonna throw up. I never throw up.

[Burt and Danny laugh]

Burt:
What do you mean "I never throw up"?

Jodie:
I *never* throw up!

Burt:
[laughs] Throwing up is not a choice. You don't say "I'm sorry, I don't play tennis and I don't throw up."

Danny:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I bet I can make him throw up.

Jodie:
Oh, yeah?

Danny:
Yeah!

Jodie:
Okay. Take your best shot.

Danny:
Okay... picture this: a sack full of worms falls in your mouth...

Bob:
[revolted] Stop! Stop!

Danny:
I know I could make you throw up. All right, imagine this: a ton of raw liver...

Jodie:
Get me a spoon.

Danny:
And it's out in the hot sun...

Jodie:
Oh, I love it.

Danny:
And there's maggots in it and you've gotta eat it.

Bob:
[gagging] Oh, god! Stop!

Jodie:
See that? I told you, I never throw up. I don't even gag.

Danny:
I'll stick my fingers down your throat.

Jodie Dallas:
Yeah I know, but I don't know what to do about it.

Burt:
You just do it a few more times and you'll get hooked. It's like pretzels.

[Tim has asked for volunteers to help him perform an exorcism]

Benson DuBois:
I'll go. My mother always said to me, she said: "Son, meet the devil the eye and meet him straight on. You can't wrestle him to the ground unless you've got ahold of him first!" [the house shakes with evil power] My mother was a babbling fool is what she was! Major crackpot, everyone knew it! She was nuts!

Mary Campbell:
The Devil isn't here because of you. He's here in spite of you.

[Corinne is worried about her possessed baby]

Corinne:
He's here because of me.

Jessica:
Don't be silly, Corinne, the devil doesn't even know you.

Corinne:
It's all my fault. He's here because of me, because I slept with everyone in town.

Mary:
Oh Corinne, please. First of all, you did not sleep with everyone in town.

Corinne:
Yes, I did.

Jessica:
Oh, please. Did you sleep with the mayor?

Mary:
Yeah.

Jessica, Mary:
You slept with the mayor?

Jessica:
[disgusted] Oh my goodness, the mayor. I voted for him.

Mary:
I told you not to vote for him. I told you to vote for Swanson.

Corinne:
I slept with him, too.

Mary:
You did?

Corinne:
Believe me, the best man won.

The Devil:
Accept me now! Do not resist any longer because you cannot succeed. Your soul is mine for eternity. I have won! Give up and come to me.

Jessica:
We will never give up. Never! There is not a man or spirit in this world or any other that will break my family. We've lived through too much in our lives already to give it up to you! We've lived through sorrow and separation and death and destruction and we're still together because we love each other and love is what holds us together. So, if you intend to stay, we will fight you to the end and let me tell you, we will fight! And with God's help, you will never have us and you will never have this baby! Never! You have come to the wrong house!

[the devil is driven out, leaving behind a perfectly normal baby]

Sally:
If Al Pacino ever saw you, he'd probably never leave his house again. I mean, why bother?

Danny:
Well, I don't know about that.

Sally:
Believe me.

Danny:
[smirks] He is a little short, I hear.

Burt:
A break is fine, but I don't think it's a good idea for guys on girders forty stories up to be horsing around with a Frisbee.

[Danny and Elaine have been fighting since their marriage]

Elaine:
I don't hate you, Danny.

Danny:
Well, you give the best damn impression of it I've ever seen.

Elaine:
I know.

Danny:
Why do you do that, Elaine? Why do you treat people that way?

Elaine:
It's a long story.

Danny:
I got time.

Elaine:
I had a sister, once. She was a couple of years older than me. Her name was Diana. She was bright and beautiful and good and kind. She was one of these people that made everyone around her feel good. When she was sixteen, she was killed in a car accident. The night she died, my father, in his grief said to me: "Why wasn't it you?" So, may mother was dead and my sister was dead and my father, who I loved more than anyone else in the world, wished I was dead... and I got angry. I got angry and cold and mean. And I decided then never to love anyone again.

Danny:
Oh, Elaine... I didn't know.

Elaine:
I love you, Danny. And maybe someday, if it's not already too late, you'll love me.

Mary:
What's been going on with you three?

Jessica:
Well, Eunice is depressed and Corinne is depressed and I was just debating whether or not to join them.

Mary:
Sounds like fun.

Jessica:
Actually, I think I've been depressed quite a lot lately. I mean, I eat a lot and I just simply cannot sit still.

Corinne:
I don't think you're depressed, ma. I think you're horny.

[Burt has been abducted by aliens and bound in an examination room]

Burt:
Stay calm. Stay calm. Just think... stay calm here. I'll just analyze the situation. One of three things is going on here. Either I'm dreaming I'm on a spaceship, or... I'm on a spaceship, or I'm crazy. [laughs] I'm dreaming! [laughs] I'm in a dream. This is what happens when you eat pizza in bed. [laughs] It's time to wake up, though. Wake up, Burt! [Aliens enter the room, talking amongst themselves] Burt. Burt! Hey, Burt! Wake up, Burt! Burt! Come on, rise and shine, Burt! [Burt looks over at the aliens nervously] Crazy's looking good here.

[the Tates are discussing how to rescue Billy from a cult when a suddenly lucid Major demands the floor]

The Major:
Now I know sometimes you don't like to listen to me and sometimes, I can understand why, but you must all listen to me now.

Chester:
Major...

The Major:
Shut up. [opens a box of medals] Now look here: this is the Silver Star, it was presented to me by Gen. Patton. This is a Bronze Star, I earned two of them. And this is the Purple Heart, Harry Truman pinned that on me himself. Now, I know you think I'm a foolish old man and sometimes I am, but that's my grandson in there. I got all these because I was a good soldier, I still am. I can get him out, I can do it! So you all had better listen to this old fool. Because that's our little boy.

Jessica:
All right daddy, we're listening.

Chester:
Go ahead, sir. Tell us your plan.

The Major:
What plan?

Mr. Wisser:
Mr. Dallas?

Jodie:
Yes?

Mr. Wisser:
I'm Harlan Wisser from the Child Welfare Department. May I come in?

Jodie:
I don't know yet. What's on your mind?

Mr. Wisser:
We received a call stating that you had an infant in your apartment.

Jodie:
So?

Mr. Wisser:
Well, sir, we also received a complaint.

Jodie:
From who?

Mr. Wisser:
It's a little difficult to discuss in the hallway. [Jodie reluctantly lets him in] Thank you. Someone in the area called our offices and told us that a single young male homosexual was keeping a baby in his apartment. Are you he?

Jodie:
I happen to have a baby here. Right over there, as a matter of fact. [points to the basinet]

Mr. Wisser:
He looks pale.

Jodie:
He's a she and so do you.

Mr. Wisser:
Mr. Dallas, please don't make this any harder than it already is.

Jodie:
How am I making it hard? Listen, you walked in here, I did not come to you.

Mr. Wisser:
Are you a practicing homosexual?

Jodie:
I don't have to practice, I'm very good at it.

Leslie:
Billy, I have a little present for you.

Billy:
Oh, you didn't have to do that.

Leslie:
I quit my job.

Billy:
That's my present?

Leslie:
I applied for a job at the university last semester and it came through.

Billy:
So that means...?

Leslie:
Exactly.

Billy:
[nods] What does it mean?

Leslie:
It means that I'm no longer your teacher. Mrs. Fairbanks is your teacher now. See?

Billy:
You mean I have to take out Mrs. Fairbanks?

Leslie:
You're eighteen. You're a man. I'm no longer bound by any legal or moral code. I can safely give you your present. [amorously] And tonight, I'm gonna light up every candle on your cake.

Billy:
I'd better start thinking of a wish.

Jessica:
I feel kind of funny discussing out marital problems with a minister.

Chester:
I feel funny discussing it with anybody.

Jessica:
Of course, it would be worse if it were a priest. Well, it would be like discussing a film with a blind man. A rabbi would be nice, they seem very wise. But I suppose you have to be Jewish. I wonder which religion does the biggest business in this sort of thing.

Jessica:
How do you keep your marriage trouble-free?

Minister:
Divorce. Married sixteen years, my wife decided we had to have new carpeting in the family room. The guy came to lay the carpet, probably got a little confused about what he was there to lay. Left me with four rolls of Bigelow shag and took off with my wife.

Jessica:
How awful.

Minister:
Might have been an Indian.

Minister:
I've gotta run. A wedding. Complete waste of time, they haven't got a chance. He's forty-nine; she's twenty-one, been married four times. I give it ten days.

[on Chester's chronic infidelity]

Minister:
I see this sort of problem a lot. It seems to be going around. I think part of the reason is that there are no more Indians.

Chester:
I beg your pardon?

Minister:
You see, in the olden days, we had Indians to worry about. Where were the Indians? Were the Indians surrounding us? Were the Indians angry Indians? Did the Indians want our horses? Nobody fooled around because you couldn't relax long enough. Now, we've got no more Indians.

Jessica:
I see.

Minister:
The best marriages were in the Apache territory, because those were the worst Indians. Hostiles without, no hostility within. We have a lot to thank the Indians for: happy marriages, nice beadwork.

Jessica:
What do we do now that there are no more Indians?

Minister:
Aggravate some other group, maybe.

[Danny has gone looking for Polly and is greeted at the door by her brother, Eddie]

Danny:
Hi.

Eddie:
Make it fast. [Danny starts to talk] We don't want any. [slams the door]

[Danny knocks again and Eddie answers]

Eddie:
Yeah?

Danny:
Is this 58 Milburn Street?

Eddie:
Who wants to know?

Danny:
I'm looking for Polly Dawson.

Eddie:
I ain't her! [slams the door]

[Danny knocks harder and Eddie answers]

Danny:
Do you have me confused with somebody you really hate?

Eddie:
[holds up a fist] You see this?

Danny:
Yes, I do. I see that.

Eddie:
Take a good look at it, because in about two seconds it's gonna be behind you.

Danny:
It's only about seven o'clock now. You wanna go out?

Polly:
Sure, let's go.

Eddie:
[from the other room] Have her home by eight.

Dr. Medlow:
Burt, I'm afraid you're a very sick man.

Burt:
[nervously] Uh-huh?

Dr. Medlow:
You have Mylar Syndrome. It's a very rare blood disease.

Burt:
Yeah, so what's the cure?

Dr. Medlow:
There is no cure.

Burt:
What happens? You mean it just goes away all by itself?

Dr. Medlow:
I'm afraid not.

Burt:
What happens?

Dr. Medlow:
It's fatal, Burt. I'm sorry.

Burt:
So, Eddie. What do you do?

Eddie:
I'm a writer.

Danny:
I didn't know that.

Eddie:
[coolly] Well, we've never really had a chance to chitchat.

Danny:
What do you write?

Eddie:
Essays, magazine articles. "The Plight of the Black Race", "400 Years of Oppression", "The White Man's Disgrace"...

Bob:
Oh, so you're a gag writer, is that it?

[Danny and Eddie chase Chuck and Bob out of the room]

[Burt arrives at Dr. Saxon's office, carrying a basketball for his latest world record attempt]

Burt:
22 hours... 22 hours I've been dribbling this.

Dr. Saxon:
Burt...

Burt:
I dribbled on the train. I dribbled down the street. I dribbled in the subway where I almost got killed. Four black guys tried to take it from me. And what happens? In *your* office, one of your stupid nurses slaps it out of my hand?

[Danny is about to kiss Polly when a man approaches them]

Dr. Stegman:
Excuse me...

Danny:
[jumps to his feet] Alright, what's your problem, buddy? [grabs his jacket] What's your problem, huh? You don't like interracial interrelating?

Dr. Stegman:
I could care less.

Danny:
Well then, what are you gawking at?

Dr. Stegman:
I was just gonna say hello.

Danny:
Is that so?

Dr. Stegman:
I'm your dentist!

[Danny crouches down and looks up at him with his mouth open]

Danny:
Dr. Stegman, I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you without your smock.

[Danny and Polly have gone to a real estate office to buy a home together]

Mr. Rosen:
Sorry about the wait, you're next.

[Danny and Polly start toward his desk]

Mr. Rosen:
[to Danny] I'm sorry, young fellow, but I think this young lady was ahead of you.

Danny:
No, you don't understand...

Mr. Rosen:
There's no rush. There's plenty of houses. All kinds of houses. Houses, houses! Rosen has hundreds of houses!

Polly:
We're together.

Mr. Rosen:
I haven't got a thing.

Danny:
Hey!

Mr. Rosen:
Joking, just some humor, please sit down, I got plenty, sit down. [they sit] Crazy kids, crazy, crazy, crazy... What are you, crazy?

Polly:
What do you mean?

Mr. Rosen:
What do I mean? Look how you look: White, black; where do expect the live? In the land of Nod and Oz and Disney World? It's crazy!

Polly:
All right, fine. Danny we don't need this.

Danny:
We'll go someplace else.

Mr. Rosen:
Wait, listen. Please sit down. I happen to have the same situation. My daughter is married to a black fella. Nice man, tall. But they have problems. People like them have problems, it's a social fact. You should see where *they* live and I sold them the house!

Polly:
What do you recommend?

Mr. Rosen:
I recommend you find yourself a nice black fella and you find yourself a nice Jewish girl.

Danny:
I'm not Jewish.

Mr. Rosen:
You won't regret it.

Polly:
Mr. Rosen, may I ask you a question?

Mr. Rosen:
Why not?

Polly:
How did you deal with your daughter in love with a black man?

Mr. Rosen:
At first, I was so upset I fasted for six hours. Then I said to myself: "Dundel, you're Jewish. There are people who are not so crazy about you, either!" And I realized hating was a disease and I was not gonna be a carrier.

Danny:
How is your daughter doing?

Mr. Rosen:
Great, fine. They're in love! What do they know?

Danny:
That's wonderful.

Mr. Rosen:
My wife, however, was committed three years ago.

[Burt has just received the election recount results]

Burt:
Prentiss got caught stuffing the ballot boxes, so I won, I am the sheriff.

[everyone congratulates Burt]

Danny:
How 'bout that? Sheriff. And I get to be deputy, right Burt? Me, deputy, me. Please?

Bob:
I'm gonna be the deputy.

Danny:
You are not.

Bob:
Am too.

[Danny and Bob argue before Mary breaks it up]

Mary:
Burt, what's the matter?

Burt:
Well, it's Prentiss, he won't give up the office. Yeah, he's holed up in the armory with enough weapons to quality as a third world nation. He says he will not be taken alive and my first assignment is to take him.

Danny:
Let's go get him.

Burt:
Danny, this Prentiss, he won gold medals for marksmanship and he is now in a fortified stone building.

Bob:
On second thought, I don't want to be deputy.

[at Jodie and Carol's custody hearing, the two attorneys have just met]

Mallou:
This is big, ask me why.

Jodie:
Why?

Mallou:
High noon, kid. Showdown at Bear Creek. Together for the first time. Big! This guy's never been beaten. Gosh, I wish they had some cameras in here.

Jodie:
Can you beat him?

Mallou:
What? Of course I can. If anyone can, I can. But he's good. He once defended a woman who wanted custody of her child, he made her look like Joan of Arc.

Jodie:
But you said the mother usually wins anyway, right?

Mallou:
Not if she's on death row at the time.

Jodie:
Why was she there?

Mallou:
Cannibalism. But don't worry, I'll beat him. We'll make the OK Corral look like a pillow fight!

Jodie:
If you're done with your Gary Cooper movie, try to remember that my daughter is the issue here and not your career.

Mallou:
If I lose, you lose kid. Don't forget that.

[Jessica has found out she's going to die]

Jessica:
Chester, I think I'd like to wear my light green gown. Now, I know I look best in white lace, but I think it's kind of crazy to wear white when you're gonna have to wear it forever. And see, I don't know if there's a dry cleaner's in Heaven and I really want to look nice when the gentlemen come to call.

Chester:
Gentlemen? Jess, aren't you gonna wait?

Jessica:
For what?

Chester:
For me.

Jessica:
Chester, you might never get there. [Chester nods in agreement]

[at the custody hearing, Carol has spun a manipulative lie in court, reducing everyone, including Jodie's lawyer, to tears]

Mallou:
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Jodie:
It's a fairy tale. It's not real.

Mallou:
Neither is "Bambi". Doesn't matter, it's moving, isn't it? Remember the bunny?

[Carol and her mother have shamelessly perjured against Jodie at the custody hearing]

Jodie:
What do these notes mean we've been taking? What good are they? What good are these law books, for god's sakes? Nobody tells the truth around here! I mean am I going mad, or what?

Judge Small:
Restrain him! Restrain him, please.

[the bailiffs grab Jodie]

Jodie:
Why don't you just tar and feather me, for god's sakes.

Judge Small:
Mr. Dallas, one more word out of you and I am gonna hold you in contempt!

Jodie:
Only one more word? I have plenty of more words, your honor! How about mockery and disgrace? [the bailiffs start to drag Jodie out] Because I've been hearing these words since this travesty began!

The Major:
[about Jessica] When she was a little baby, she used to stand on my feet and I'd walk her around the room. She used to call it dancing. It ought to be a law... children can't go first. It isn't fair. She's still my little baby.

Chester Tate:
We really must replace Benson quickly.

Jessica Tate:
Well darling, I am trying. I've interviewed several people, but you see, those that cook don't clean and those that clean don't speak any identifiable language.

Millie:
You seem to be sitting here so quiet. Is something the matter?

Corinne:
See, my husband was a priest and he left the church for me, which made him feel so guilty that he went to live in a cave, but then our son was born possessed and he came back to perform the exorcism and when it was over, I thought it would change things, but no, we wouldn't go near me, he wouldn't touch me and the other day he left me! [hold out her hand] I'm Corinne.

Millie:
[puzzled] Millie.

Corinne:
Nice meeting you.

[the Major sees Millie at a dinner party]

The Major:
Fifi? Fifi, what are you doing here?

Millie:
I'm sorry, but...

The Major:
Fifi, I told you it had to end. It was only a wartime thing. You have a husband at the front, I have a wife back home. It was short, it was beautiful and I shall treasure the moments always, but it's over, Fifi. Remember me as I will remember you and let us say farewell. You will live in my heart forever. [kiss her hand] And you'd better see a doctor, you gave me some funny foreign thing.

Danny:
Aunt Jessie?

Jessica:
Yes, what?

Danny:
Do you think our family's crazy?

The Major:
Hit the dirt everybody! [grabs a pineapple from a bowl of fruit] It's a grenade! [throws it through the window and dives to the floor]

Chester:
Major, look what you've done.

[explosion!]

Dutch:
[looks out the window] The gas main they were working on down the street; it blew up.

Jessica:
Thank goodness, I thought it was the pineapple. Danny, what was your question?

Danny:
Never mind.

[Leslie's ex has shown up, interrupting Billy and Leslie's evening]

Charlie:
Kid, run along, huh? I've got some business to discuss with Mrs. Walker.

Leslie:
He's not leaving, Charlie, you are.

Billy:
Leslie, please. I'll handle this. I'm not leaving Charlie, you are.

Charlie:
Look, sonny, either you take a walk or I bounce you down the stairs.

[Charlie starts towards Leslie and Billy twists his arm behind his back]

Billy:
I'm only gonna say this once, so you'd better pay attention. You've been asked to leave and you've been asked nicely. Leslie has asked you and now I'm telling you. I'm a fourth-degree black belt in karate a third-degree master in tai chi, so if you stay here and choose to make trouble, I'm going to hurt you very, very badly. So what's it gonna be?

Charlie:
I just dropped by to say hello.

Billy:
And?

Charlie:
And I've said it. [Billy releases Charlie, but takes a martial arts stance] God, look at the time. I gotta be going. It was nice seeing you both. Bye. [Charlie slinks out the door]

Leslie:
That was wonderful!

Billy:
He bought it!

Leslie:
Such calm, cool...

Billy:
He actually bought it! Usually, they just beat the living hell out of me. It finally worked. Boy is he dumb!

Leslie:
Why did you do that?

Billy:
Why? 'Cause he's an obnoxious jerk and I wasn't crazy about the way he treated you, or me for that matter.

[Mary has just woken up after giving birth to what she is afraid might be a half-alien baby]

Mary:
Did I?

Jodie:
You did.

Chuck:
Congratulations

Mary:
What color is it?

Bob:
Well, is there something you'd like to tell us?

Jodie:
We're not sure yet.

Bob:
That's not usually the first question.

Chuck:
Bob...

Bob:
That's not usually the *twelfth* question!

[the custody hearing has convened for the judge's ruling]

Jodie:
Do we have a chance?

Mallu:
A chance? Let me tell you something, Dallas, something you should know. The Red Sea wasn't parted by a pool pump, savvy? When John the Baptist, he didn't stand a chance, but he made it! Because there's always a chance. Remember that.

Jodie:
John the Baptist was beheaded.

Mallu:
And I hope you'll have the grace never to quote me on that.

Judge Small:
Mr. Dallas, I have seen your integrity, fervor and honesty. I'm impressed by your passion and fortitude. However, it has become apparent to me over these many years that an infant needs the kind of care that can best be given to it by its mother. Miss David, you have shown yourself to be a concerned parent.

Carol:
Thank you.

Judge Small:
Last night, I decided that your child would be better off with her mother.

Carol:
Oh, thank you, your honor!

Judge Small:
This morning, I received a call for *your* mother telling me she had lied on the stand on your behalf.

Carol:
Your honor, I wanted my daughter so bad that I would have done anything to...

Judge Small:
Forcing your own mother to commit perjury using her own grandchild as bait does not lead me to believe that this person has a clear understanding of what parenthood is all about. Mr. Dallas has that understanding. Therefore, I have decided to break with normal tradition and award custody of the infant Wendy to her father, Jodie Dallas. This hearing is adjourned. [bangs the gavel]

Jodie:
[approaches] You honor, I realize I've acted irrationally during these proceedings and I'm sorry. I know it's hard for you to know a person when that person's world is caving in all around him, because all you get to see is the fear and the craziness. So I thank you for looking beyond that.

Judge Small:
Good luck, Mr. Dallas.

Jodie:
Listen, Carol. We'll work out the visitation rights. I won't be any problem.

Carol:
[coldly] No need.

Jodie:
Carol, don't be bitter.

Carol:
Why should I be bitter? This isn't over yet. And when it is over, you're gonna wish you never had a daughter!

[the doctor has come with Danny's test results]

Dr. Saxon:
The bullets passed through both kidneys.

Mary:
Oh my god.

Dr. Saxon:
We can't save either one. Now we'll put him on a life-support machine for now, but...

Mary:
He needs another kidney. Is that what you're trying to say?

Gwen:
Mine. Take mine. Take both of mine, I don't need 'em! He already has my heart, my soul; he can have my kidneys, my lungs, whatever you need, just take it!

Burt:
Doc, I've got great kidneys. I want Danny to have my kidney.

Dr. Saxon:
Burt, it can't be just anyone's kidney.

Burt:
It's not just *anyone's* kidney, it *my* kidney. And it's a great kidney, I take good care of it.

Chuck:
I'd give him a kidney, but I've only got one.

Bob:
[drunkenly] Okay, all right. I'll give him the kidney.

Burt:
Bob, will you please? You can't give anyone an organ. What are you talking about?

Chuck:
Especially a kidney.

Bob:
I know... All right, I admit it! I'm an alcoholic!

Dr. Saxon:
We can keep him on a dialysis machine for a while, but eventually, we'll have to have a donor with his exact blood and tissue type.

Jodie:
Doc, what you mean is the donor has to be a blood relative.

Dr. Saxon:
Yes.

Mary:
That's me, I'll do it.

Jodie:
No, ma, I'll give him one of mine.

Mary:
No, Jodie. I'll do it. You can start the procedures any time.

Dr. Saxon:
Actually, Mary, Jodie's kidneys would really be...

Mary:
Danny is my son. I'll do it.

Jodie:
I'm his brother.

Burt:
Mare, I know we all want to contribute here, but...

Mary:
Why is everyone ganging up on me?

Burt:
Mare, please... nobody's ganging up.

Mary:
I'll do it and that's that!

Dr. Saxon:
Mary, let me say something to you. I've been your doctor for a long time. Your kidneys are fine and they'll last you all your life, but you need both of them. And even if you could conceivably function with only one, it wouldn't be strong enough to support Danny. Medically, you're an unsuitable donor. I'm sorry. Jodie, if you're agreeable, well start running some tests now.

Mary:
Excuse me. Would you all please leave me alone with Jodie for a moment? [everyone but Mary and Jodie leave]

Jodie:
Okay, ma. What is it?

Mary:
You can't give Danny your kidney.

Jodie:
I'm his brother.

Mary:
No, you're not.

Jodie:
What?

Mary:
Jodie, you and Danny are not brothers.

Jodie:
But we have the same mother.

Mary:
Oh, yes. Yes.

Jodie:
But we don't have the same father? [Mary looks at Jodie gravely]

[at a meeting of Mafia leaders]

Godfather:
I know I speak for all of us when I extent my sympathy for the passing Vito Hirsch... [gestures to an empty chair at the table] whose heart unfortunately gave out moments after his throat was cut.

[Chester is meeting Mary at a restaurant]

Chester:
I got here as quickly as I could. Is something wrong? How's Danny?

Mary:
He needs a kidney.

Chester:
Kidney? You're kidding.

Mary:
Chester, would I kid about a kidney? They won't take one of mine.

Chester:
Why?

Mary:
They're not good enough.

Chester:
Ohh... how about Jodie?

Mary:
No.

Chester:
You could run an ad.

Mary:
He needs the kidney of a blood relative.

Chester:
Well, if you're out and Jodie's out, what are you going to do?

Mary:
He needs your kidney, Chester.

Chester:
[chuckles] Well, Mary, I'd be delighted to. I'd give him one is a shot, but I'm hardly a blood relative.

Mary:
Yes, you are.

Chester:
No, Mary. I'm his uncle.

Mary:
No, you're not. You're his father. [Chester is shocked] Yeah, Chester. Before you married Jessica, remember?

Chester:
Are you kidding?

Mary:
No.

Chester:
Mary... that was one time.

Mary:
No, Chester, it was two weeks. Every night.

Chester:
Two weeks, every night? [smiles] Boy, those were the days. I wish I could do half that now, even a quarter.

[Chester has just found out that Danny is his son]

Chester:
Mary, why didn't you ever tell me?

Mary:
I didn't know.

Chester:
For twenty-eight years?

Jessica:
When I was a girl, there was this lady, the Crazy Old Lady we called her 'cause she hardly ever spoke to any of us. When I'd walk by her house, she'd bang her cane on the window and say something like "MANYA MANYA MANYA MANYA!" Well, I was scared to death of her. One day, my mother said "Instead of being afraid and calling her Crazy Old Lady, why don't you ring the bell, introduce yourself and make her feel like she's not a crazy old lady." So, I did. Because I took a risk. Do you understand?

Gwen:
Thank you, Mrs. Tate.

Jessica:
You're welcome, dear.

Gwen:
How did she react when you rang her bell?

Jessica:
She said "MANYA MANYA MANYA MANYA!" and hit me in the head with the cane. Crazy as a loon.

Young Jessica:
Wait 'til you hear what I have to tell you...

Young Mary:
I know what it is. Darlene Cooke goes all the way. Patty told me. Who cares?

Young Jessica:
No, it's not that. It's something else that-Darlene Cooke goes all the way?

Young Mary:
That's what Patty said.

Young Jessica:
Who did she go all the way with?

Young Mary:
Omega Delta. But Patty lies.

Young Jessica:
Omega Delta? Is that a foreign student?

Young Mary:
Jess, it's a fraternity, not a person.

Young Jessica:
I see... well, Mary, that's good, huh? If she'd gone all the way with a person, she might have ended up preggers.

Young Jessica:
Out of the blue, Chester Tate asked me to marry him. What do you think about that? [stunned silence from Mary] I know, Mary, I reacted the same way! Do you believe it? Chester Tate! He's so suave. I said to him: "My goodness, we haven't even dated, why do you want to marry me?" Mary, he said he always loved me from afar!

Young Mary:
You're gonna marry Jessica?

Young Chester:
I'm sorry.

Young Mary:
I don't believe this.

Young Chester:
Yeah, well neither do I. I'm sorry.

Young Mary:
Sorry? Last night, you were in bed with me and today you ask Jessica to marry you?

Young Chester:
Yeah, I know. It's been a crazy twenty-four hours.

Young Mary:
You've loved her from afar? You've been sleeping with me, but you've loved her from afar?

Young Chester:
I haven't loved her from afar, I never even looked at her. Well, not her face.

Young Mary:
I don't believe this!

Young Chester:
Imagine how I felt. Your mother told me I had to marry Jessica or my father would end up in jail.

Young Mary:
For what?

Young Chester:
Stock fraud. He cheated your mother out of a small fortune. Boy, was she mad.

Young Mary:
What does Jessica have to do with this?

Young Chester:
Blackmail. Your mother doesn't think anyone will marry Jessica because she's so scatterbrained. This way, she has a chance to marry her off.

Young Mary:
And you're gonna do it?

Young Chester:
Oh, gee whiz, Mary. I have to. If I don't, my father's gonna end up in jail.

Young Mary:
I don't believe this.

Young Chester:
And he's gonna cut me out of his will, which is no small potatoes 'cause he's loaded now that he's robbed your mother.

[Chester is being coerced into marrying Jessica]

Young Chester:
What would you have me do, Mary?

Young Mary:
Be good to my sister.

Chester:
Jess, you have to know that I didn't even know who you were when I was sleeping with Mary. Really, I didn't even know your name. I thought it was Jennifer. I did! I thought your name was Jennifer.

Jessica:
Chester, you married me without loving me and that's really the awful part.

Chester:
But I fell in love with you, Jess. I did. You're right, not at first. At first, I thought you were a nice piece and if I had to get married, I could do a lot worse.

Jessica:
Always the romantic.

Chester:
But I fell in love with you, Jess. I swear I did.

Jessica:
Chester, you certainly had peculiar ways of showing it.

Chester:
Why? Because I cheated? Jess, I'll always cheat, I can't help it. I cheated on you, I cheated on the women I cheated on you with. I'll cheat on Annie. It doesn't mean that I didn't love you. I loved you, Jess. I guess I always will.

Jessica:
You did grow to love me, Chester?

Chester:
Very quickly and very easily.

Jessica:
Then there's no necessity for forgiveness.

Chester:
What about Mary?

Jessica:
No... I can't forgive Mary. I'd like to, but in my heart, I cannot forgive Mary.

[Jodie has learned that psychotherapy could take years]

Dr. Rudolph:
Mr. Dallas, there are no shortcuts.

Jodie:
What about hypnosis? I read that some woman someplace was brought back to another life or something and in a matter of moments, it became why she cried every time she wore a hat.

Dr. Rudolph:
Hypnotherapy is a tool, but it's not always effective, Mr. Dallas. There are dangers.

Jodie:
Like what?

Dr. Rudolph:
Well, it is conceivable that I couldn't bring you back. You could actually get locked into another time period. Then I'd get sued up the heebee.

Jodie:
I'd sign a waiver releasing you of all liabilities.

Dr. Rudolph:
Then again, hypnotherapy can prove to be extremely valuable. [takes out a waiver to sign and a file folder] Would you be interested in some other forms of psychiatric shortcuts?

Jodie:
Like what?

Dr. Rudolph:
[produces a form] Oh, the sensory-deprivation tank.

Jodie:
What's this?

Dr. Rudolph:
Trust me, you'll love it. [produces another form] Then there's LSD-25. A very fine alternative.

Jodie:
No. No acid. I draw the line at hallucinogenics.

Dr. Rudolph:
[puts the form away] Good, just testing. It's illegal, anyway.

[Jessica has met a mysterious stranger on a plane]

Jessica:
Who are you?

El Puerco:
Carlos Marcello David Escobar Rodriguez Valdez. Also known as "El Puerco".

Jessica:
El Puerco?

El Puerco:
The Pig.

Jessica:
I see.

El Puerco:
I am a guerrilla.

Jessica:
Well, you are kind of large and hairy, but I'd hardly say gorilla.

[Jodie walks into a private investigator's office]

Jodie:
Maggie Chandler?

Maggie:
What does it say on the door?

Jodie:
Maggie Chandler.

Maggie:
You think I walked into the wrong office this morning?

Jodie:
So much for small talk.

Maggie:
[not looking up from her typewriter] Have a seat, I'll be with you in a sec. You're the guy with the missing kid?

Jodie:
Yes.

Maggie:
Why didn't you eat this morning?

Jodie:
I wasn't hung-how did you know?

Maggie:
You've been eying my Danish ever since you walked in here.

Jodie:
Very quick.

Maggie:
You're not getting any.

Jodie:
I've got you eating out the palm of my hand.

Maggie:
[turns to Jodie] Queens.

Jodie:
Excuse me?

Maggie:
Your accent. Queens, with a touch of Manhattan mixed in. You probably live in Connecticut and you play a lot of ball. You don't smoke, you don't have any cats and you live with your mother, correct?

Jodie:
That's amazing.

Maggie:
Nothing to it. You see, that nasal tone in your voice is a 50/50 mix of New York working man and New York intellectual, hence the Queens and Manhattan. The whiney quality is obviously Connecticut. You have the body of a second baseman, I don't smell tobacco smoke on your clothes, there's no cat fuzz on your pants and your address is a family neighborhood. No smoking, no cats and mama.

Jodie:
I whine?

Maggie:
Well, I didn't say it wasn't pleasant.

Jodie:
[whining] I don't whine.