Spaceballs: The Animated Series

Princess Vespa:
What is it about long, hard, tubular things that I find so fascinating?

Dot Matrix:
Talk about your Freudian ship.

Major Bleephole:
We have been sucked into the galaxy of bad gas. [everyone screams as the boat rocks to and fro]

President Skroob:
[addressing the camera] Lucky for you this isn't smell-o-vision

Dark Helmet:
Your ass is our hero.

Dark Helmet:
How long can a Mawg hold it's breath?

Lone Starr:
As long as the suspence builds.

Princess Vespa:
What a great job.

Lone Starr:
Oh, I'd love to hear you say that in another context.

Princess Vespa:
Don't stop!

Lone Starr:
That too.

Vinnie:
I highly recommend you pay me protection money, Lone Starr.

Lone Starr:
Protection? Protection from who?

Vinnie:
Protection from me.

Lone Starr:
[chuckles] I don't need protection from you.

Vinnie:
Oh, yes you do. When I get angry, I break heads. And when people don't cooperate with my extortion...

Lone Starr:
You get angry?

Vinnie:
No. When people don't cooperate with my extortion I get depressed.

Lone Starr:
I see... and, and when you get depressed, you get angry?

Vinnie:
No. When I get depressed, I get hungry.

Lone Starr:
And when you get hungry you get angry?

Vinnie:
Shut it, Dr. Phil, whould ya? When I get hungry, I start eating and when I start eating I get fat. And when I get fat...

Lone Starr:
Then you get angry?

Vinnie:
No, then my doctor gets angry. Because he's already told me a thousand times my cholesterol is too high. And when my doctor gets angry, that's when I get angry. I don't like disappointing him. So just pay me a million starbucks.

Princess Vespa:
[on phone] Hi, this is Princess Vespa, I'd like to place an order for item 94563? Yes, the matching space jets. Eh, but forget the his, give me to hers instead.

Dot Matrix:
[judging Druidian Idol] You know, you've got a very unique voice. You should be in silent films.

Lone Starr:
Eh, I think my ears bleeding.

President Skroob:
What misguided being told you had any singing ability whatsoever?

Contestant:
My zebra, sir.

President Skroob:
You're zebra's an a**hole.

Lone Starr:
Scroob!

President Skroob:
Yes, when only first rate villainy will do.

Lone Starr:
[on cellphone] Yogurt, I need your help.

Yogurt:
Right now? I'm in the middle of something.

Bingo leader:
N-42...

Lone Starr:
But where in the middle of the end of planet Druidia.

Yogurt:
Well, the middle of the end, that's better than the end of the end.

Lone Starr:
[Lone Starr's wristwatch is beeping] Uh oh, it's Vespa. She needs me right away.

Yogurt:
Oh, she needs him right away, sure. Sure, let's, let's put saving the galaxy's food supply on hold because you've got a needy girlfriend.

Lone Starr:
She's not needy. [his watch beeps again] Oh, I'm sorry, I really gotta go.

Barf:
Yeah yeah, I really gotta go too, but you know, behind a bush.

Lone Starr:
This smell is worse than Barfs puke after he ate a bad bowl of bodualistic boulia base in a boat in a bay by the beach which he bought from a bad boy named Bobby.

Dot Matrix:
Is he the big brother of Sally who sells seashells by the sea shore?

Agent Double O Sven:
You expect me to talk?

Fishfinger:
No, I expect you to fry.

Agent Double O Sven:
Eh, don't you mean die?

Fishfinger:
And that, too.

Badjob:
But first we need to butter you up.

Fishfinger:
Heh. Heh. Soon you'll be filler in my fish fingers. You're cheaper than cardboard.

Agent Double O Sven:
But why use me as filler when you can use me as bait?

Fishfinger:
What do you mean, chum?

Agent Double O Sven:
Well, I could lure all of Yogurt's agents here. You know, Double O Gunther and eh... Double O everyone else.

Commanderette Zircon:
My name on this operation is P*ssy Forsure.

Lone Starr:
[stiffles a laugh] I must be dreaming.

President Skroob:
From now on, I want all our evil plans to stop at phase one. We've got an enlarging ray, wonderful, maybe we could do other stuff with it, I could use it late at night, who knows...

Dark Helmet:
Eh, I'm sorry, it only works on ants.

Lone Starr:
[Lone Starr and Vespa are tied to the front of a tank] Uh, I know this is usually your line, but I think we're doomed.

Princess Vespa:
Then there is only one thing left to do: scream.

Lone Starr:
What good is that gonna do?

Princess Vespa:
[stutters] Well, I, eeh, I don't know, but it always works for me. [both take a deep breath and start screaming]

Princess Vespa:
Just call him, I mean doesn't Yogurt have a cellphone?

Lone Starr:
Eh, he does, but he doesn't know how to use it.

Princess Vespa:
[sighs] Sounds just like my dad.

Barf:
Look, maybe this was a waste of time. They're trapped inside a video game but obviously you wouldn't know the first thing about games.

Yogurt:
Are you kidding? I was the star fo the world's first educational game "Yogurt teaches typing A thru E"

Barf:
Why only A thru E?

Yogurt:
Showbusiness. Always leave 'em wanting more.

Dark Helmet:
[Skroob and Helmet are stuck on an empty black grid] Where the smeg are we?

Barf:
Nothing like the smell of Mawgdirt in the morning

Princess Vespa:
No thank you, Lone Starr's got my royal hynie covered.

Lone Starr:
So, we're gonna get some golf supplies, wanna come along?

Princess Vespa:
Are you kidding? This little royal hynie was born with a credit card in her hand. Seriously, daddy had it removed.

Prof, Yogurtdore:
I'd like to dispell the recent rumors about me. I'm one hundert per cent kosher in the sausage department if you get my drift.

Prof. Snapple:
Under my direction, you will keep your shafts stiff, your heads down and get ready to watch your balls fly far. Very far.

Prof. McGonnatrix:
It's the 18th hole, and since Hairy's been using his shaggy shaft exclusively, he's almost caught up.

Prof. McGonnatrix:
Wow, Darko got it in the hole in under one shot? I guess that's a, a hole in negative one, huh? That makes him the winner!

Lone Starr:
It's him, he who cannot be named: President Scroob!

President Skroob:
I'm outta here, but first I want my damn balls back.

Lone Starr:
Oh please, I'm sick of your balls being in my face anyway.

President Skroob:
[narrating flashback sequence] My distant ancestor Skoobron the Terrible baked the Onion Ring so he could wield it's awesome power.

Barf:
Spaceballs at 3 o'clock... Spaceballs at 8 o'clock... Spaceballs rockin' us around the clock.

Lone Star:
Let's get the clock outta here.

Yogurt:
Then we shall be the fellowship of the Onion Ring. But this is a dangerous mission. So we'll need indecipherable codenames. Barf, your name will be Barf Baggins. Lonestarr, you'll be Lone Staragorn and Vespa...

Princess Vespa:
Can I be her most royal highness the incomparably beautiful?

Lone Star:
Oh please.

Yogurt:
You'll be Vesparwen.

Dark Helmut:
Huh? Yogurt, how did you get in here?

Yogurt:
The Tower Isn't Guarded.

Dark Helmut:
The tower isn't guarded?

Yogurt:
Nope, the Tower Isn't Guarded isn't guarded.

Galadriot Matrix:
This has failure written all over it.

Barf Baggins:
What kind of sicko would exploit my addiction to onion rings? I need a commercial break!

Galadriot Matrix:
Have fun stormin' the fryer! Whoo, another good one! I gotta write that one down before Mel Brooks steals it.

Barf Baggins:
It was Lone Staragorn. He tried to take the Onion Ring from me.

Vesparwen:
Lone Staragorn, get a hold of yourself!

Lone Staragorn:
I am the leader here, I should be the one to wear the ring.

Vesparwen:
Oh yeah? I'm the girl here and if there's any jewelry to be worn, I should be the one to wear it.

Bad Barfum:
My delicious! My delicious! Fatty Barf Baggins wants to destroy my delicous.

Vesparwen:
[to King Lone Staragorn] How dare you try to turn me into a wrinkly old queen, you filthy pig!

President Skroob:
The Mighty Meteor? You gotta be kidding. I can barely see it. Helmet, what the hell is this, a model?

Dark Helmet:
I'm afraid it's the real McCoy, sir.

President Skroob:
The Real McCoy, why is it so small?

Dark Helmet:
Budget cuts, your Scroobness. We've spent all our money fighting unwinnable wars. This meteor is all we can afford.

Barf:
I'll get the duct tape.

Lone Starr:
No, Barf. I think it's time...

Barf:
No, no, don't say it, don't say it!

Lone Starr:
...for a new van.

Barf:
Ah, you said it! Have you no heart? This, this van is vintage. It's, it's, it's got history.

Lone Starr:
It's got pizza from 1983 under the seats. Point taken.

Princess Vespa:
When was the last time we drove with Lone Starr and it didn't smell like hot wet barf inside?

Barf:
[about to hit the shower] Huh, I'll remedy that shortly, sisters.

President Skroob:
Helmet, I refuse to work with Indiots. I have my limits, you know.

Dark Helmet:
But Sir, any indiot can do this job.

Dot Matrix:
What's up with Lone Starr and his van? He's like... obsessed.

Barf:
Hah. You know what he's been calling it lately? Huh. His 'Man'.

Princess Vespa:
You're kidding. His what?

Lone Starr:
My Man. Half miracle, half man. Just like Barf is my Mawg, half man half dog.

Yogurt:
Where the hell is Lone Starr? We need him to safe Druidia from this meteor.

Princess Vespa:
Oh, he's busy rubbing wax on his Man.

Barf:
Hey, didn't this just happen before the commercial?

Dark Helmet:
The meteor appears to have stopped moving, Sir.

President Skroob:
Ah, so it's going about the same speed as your brain now, huh? Parked.

Barf:
I guess that sound means were going to commercial again huh?

Dot Matrix:
I hope it's for adult dating.

Yogurt:
Hurry Lone Starr, hurry, we don't have much time left in this episode.

Dot Matrix:
And if we go over our pagecount, the network will kill us.

President Skroob:
Prepair our contamination suits. Make sure yours is very tight. So no disease can get in. I want to see every... curve...

Commanderette Zirco:
Very well, sir.

Lone Starr:
You've reached Lone Starr and Barf. I'm out rescuing Princess Vespa, and Barf is probably on the can. You know what to do after the beep.

Dark Helmet:
Somebody better figure out something. Mount St. Barf looks ready to spew!

Lone Starr:
I need your help. Barf's on a binge and about to blow.

Yogurt:
Easy on the alliteration.

Lone Starr:
It's a long shot, but it might be our only shot.

Dark Helmet:
Wow Lone Starr, where did you get that line from? Every movie ever?

Princess Harley:
Oh you're up, shall I fix your breakfast?

Pannekin Crybaby:
Why, is it broken?

Skroob:
Someday soon, I plan to be president of planet Moron. And you are going to help me.

Outlet Mall:
Why would I do that?

Skroob:
Because I, too am a Sithee.

Outlet Mall:
Really?

Skroob:
Yes. But for now... I'm a closet Sithee.

NasPodrace announcer:
Crybaby wins by a nipple!

Skroob:
[in stalls during NasPod race] Ooh! Ooh! This is so brilliant, a thrill a second, even there's no way I can see the racers from here.

Dark Helmet:
Now I know why they call them knockers...

Skroob:
From now on, you shall be known as... Dark Helmet.

Dark Helmet:
[heavy breathing] Thank you master. I will never take this helmet off. Never.

Outlet Mall:
[famous last words] You should have worn a helmet!

Pannekin Crybaby:
I figured I'd find you here in the bottomless pit room.

Outlet Mall:
Why?

Pannekin Crybaby:
'Cause big confrontations always happen next to big bottomless pitts.

Outlet Mall:
Hm. They do, don't they?

Pannakin's Mother:
[famous last words] Oh Panny, I should have worn... a helmet.

Yogurt:
[sighs] It's not easy being chosen. Or green for that matter.

Skroob:
[Finding Dark Helmet unconscious] Dark Helmet, get up! We gotta work on the taxes!

Dark Helmet:
[dizzy] Texas?

Skroob:
Taxes! Taxes!

Dark Helmet:
Not so fast, Lone Starr and... and gypsy girl?

Barf:
Not gypsy, pirate!

Dark Helmet:
Oh? What's your name, Pirate girl?

Barf:
Black Barf.

Dark Helmet:
Sound like what happened after I ate too much lickorice.

Dark Helmet:
Why are you dressed like that?

President Skroob:
Well, it's a matter of budget. It seems we can only afford one costume per episode

Princess Vespa:
Listen, Lone Starr, when I loaned you the money to pay me back the money that you owed me, I expected to be paid.

Lone Starr:
You'll get your money, and your money.

Princess Vespa:
This is terrible!

Lone Starr:
I know, without my Schwarz...

Princess Vespa:
No, I mean Barf's hogging all my eyeliner.

Barf:
Frankly it looks better on me, sweetie.

Princess Vespa:
[sighs] B*tch.

President Skroob:
The immaterial has become... immaterial.

Marlene:
What does that mean, Scroobie?

President Skroob:
Well, it simply means that the non-material stuff has coalesced into the star vapor of...

Marlene:
I believe it means the supernatural has become irrelivant, thus playing on two meanings of the word immaterial.

President Skroob:
You know some men get turned on by brainy talk. I don't. So shut up.

Spidermawg:
I am Spidermawg. Half man, half dog... half spider!

Lone Starr:
Alright, Spidermawg. We got work and half to do here.

Spidermawg:
We're going to planet Mawg and I'm gonna kick those Spaceballs in their balls space.

President Skroob:
Holy sh*t, I'm becomming Mothball! I will destroy Spidermawg for there is no way he can stop the all powerful Mothball!

Commanderette Zircon:
Okay, a moth versus a spider. This is gonna turn out real well.

Mothball:
Not so fast, Spidermawg.

Spidermawg:
Who the hell are you?

Mothball:
I am Mothball. Half moth, half ball.

Spidermawg:
Yeah, I gathered that from your name.

President Skroob:
Then it's settled. Let there be six bosoms to cover my face while I prepare for my next attack.

Charlene:
[giggles] B*obs away!

President Skroob:
It's good to be the President.

Yogurt:
Oi, this Pizza stinks. Yente, where did you order it from?

Yente:
From Pizza the Hutt.

Yogurt:
Oh, tastes like cardboard.

Yente:
That's because you're eating the cardboard. The Pizza's on top.

Yogurt:
I was right, I was right. There's something wrong. How do you know?

Yente:
How do you know?

Yogurt:
Are you deaf? Don't you hear that ominous music?

Yente:
Ach, we hear that same verkackte music every week.

Lone Starr:
Now what the hell are we watching?

Yogurt:
We're watching the scene in Spaceballs the Animated TV Series where we're looking at ourselves playing Spaceballs the Video Game.

Dark Helmet:
I can see your Schwarz is as firm as ever. But it's no match for mine.

Barf:
Whoah by Jove it works, the precocious little girl's a hero.

Princess Vespa:
Oh, is she? Then riddle me this: why didn't she stop these creatures two acts ago?

Lone Starr:
Oh, zip it, Vespa, nobody wants to hear your logic problems. Besides, the episode's almost over.

Dark Helmet:
[wearing a fez] He took my helmet as a souvenir. Now all I have is this felt helmet.

Lone Starr:
Ok, guys, I've found a dimly lit, confusing to navigate pasageway where we can wait out what will presumably be the final minutes of our lives in mindnumbing terror. What do you think?

Barf:
Good Plan.

Princess Vespa:
Ok.

Dot Matrix:
Let's go.

Princess Vespa:
Yeah.

Princess Vespa:
Lone Starr, do something!

Lone Starr:
Like what?

Princess Vespa:
Use the Schwartz, you tool!

Lone Starr:
[under attack by a Tyrannosaurus Rex] Oh no, he's grabbed the adorable little girl and one of the anonymous lawyers.

Dot Matrix:
I wonder who's gonna get it first?

Lone Starr:
Yogurt, what are you doing here?

Yogurt:
Well, I have to show up at some point in the episode, don't I?

Lone Starr:
Skroob, this time I've gone too far.

President Skroob:
Oh please, sissy. Do you know how many evil plan's I've had that have been way worse than this?

Lone Starr:
Well you won't succeed. Not if I can help it.

President Skroob:
Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do about it?

Lone Starr:
I'm gonna blogg about it.

Princess Vespa:
Look, Skroob, why don't you tell us what your evil plan is so we can speed things along here.

President Skroob:
Ok, fair enough. Helmet?

Dark Helmet:
Hm?

President Skroob:
Prepare the expositional film strip.

Princess Vespa:
What's Skroob doing here?

Lone Starr:
Well, he kinda... owns the Spankees.

Princess Vespa:
What? How can you root for a team run by the most evil man in the galaxy?

Lone Starr:
It's a moral conundrum I've chosen to ignore, ok, princess?

President Skroob:
Helmet, what the hell's Lone Starr doing here?

Dark Helmet:
Eh, He's won fan of the day, sir.

President Skroob:
Fan of the day? So you're saying it's a coincidence he's here?

Dark Helmet:
The episode had to start somehow.