Spaceballs

Spaceballs

Mel Brooks's 1987 parody of the Star Wars trilogy is a jumble of jokes rather than a comic feature, and, predictably, some of those jokes work better than others. The cast, including Brooks in two roles, more or less mimics the principal characters from George Lucas's famous story line, and the director certainly gets a boost from new allies (SCTV graduates Rick Moranis and John Candy) as well as old ones (Dick Van Patten, Dom DeLuise). Watch this and wait for the sporadic inspiration--but don't be surprised if you find yourself yearning for those years when Brooks was a more complete filmmaker (Young Frankenstein). --Tom Keogh

Production: MGM
  1 win.
 
IMDB:
7.1
Metacritic:
46
Rotten Tomatoes:
58%
PG (Parental Guidance Suggested)
Year:
1987
96
Website
28,786 Views

[Spaceball I is approaching the Winnebago]

Colonel Sandurz:
We're closing in on them, sir. In less than a minute, Lone Starr will be ours.

Dark Helmet:
Good! Prepare to attack!

Colonel Sandurz:
Prepare to attack!

Dark Helmet:
On the count of 3. 1...2... [the Winnebago goes into hyperspace] Wait! What happened? Where are they?!

Colonel Sandurz:
I don't know, sir! They must have hyperjets on that thing!

Dark Helmet:
And what have we got on this thing? A Cuisinart?!

Colonel Sandurz:
No, sir!

Dark Helmet:
Well, find them, catch them!

Colonel Sandurz:
Yes, sir! [turns on microphone] Prepare ship for light speed!

Dark Helmet:
No-no-no, light speed is too slow!

Colonel Sandurz:
Light speed too slow?

Dark Helmet:
Yes, we're gonna have to go right to... Ludicrous speed!

[The entire crew gasps in horror]

Colonel Sandurz:
Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before! I don't know if the ship can take it!

Dark Helmet:
What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?

Colonel Sandurz:
[voice breaks harshly] Prepare the ship-- [collects himself] Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall! Cancel the three-ring circus! Secure all animals in the zoo---!

Dark Helmet:
Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer! [Takes the microphone] Now hear this! Ludicrous speed!

Colonel Sandurz:
Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?

Dark Helmet:
Ah, buckle this. Ludicrous speed! GO!

[Dark Helmet is screaming as he grips the handrail while being lifted into the air by momentum. Meanwhile, various warp trails are displayed on the monitor, and there are signs lighting up indicating "LIGHT SPEED", "RIDICULOUS SPEED", and a flashing "LUDICROUS SPEED" sign]

Dark Helmet:
What have I done?! My brains are going into my feet!

[Spaceball I passes Lone Starr's Winnebago, leaving a trail of plaid light behind them]

Barf:
[he and Lone Starr quickly duck] WOW! What the Hell was that?

Lone Starr:
Spaceball I.

Barf:
They've gone to plaid!

Dark Helmet:
We passed 'em! Stop this thing!

Colonel Sandurz:
We can't stop, it's too dangerous; we've got to slow down first!

Dark Helmet:
Bullshit! Just stop this thing! I order you! STO-O-O-O-P!

[Sandurz struggles and reaches a lever labeled "Emergency Stop:
Never Use." When he pulls it, he immediately stops Spaceball I. Helmet goes flying forward, while screaming, into a control panel, denting it and his helmet severely.]

Colonel Sandurz:
Are you all right, sir?

Dark Helmet:
[slightly dazed] Fine. How have you been?

Colonel Sandurz:
Very good, sir. It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.

Dark Helmet:
Yeah.

Colonel Sandurz:
What should we do now, sir?

Dark Helmet:
Well, are we stopped?

Colonel Sandurz:
We're stopped, sir.

Dark Helmet:
Good. Why don't we take a 5-minute break?

Colonel Sandurz:
Very good, sir.

Dark Helmet:
Smoke, if you got 'em. [Falls over]

Dark Helmet:
Have you found them yet?

Corporal:
No, Lord Helmet, they're still not on the scanner.

Dark Helmet:
Well, keep looking for them. [taking a couple sips of coffee through his helmet]

Colonel Sandurz:
Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. [to Corporal] Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie.

Corporal:
Yes, sir. [searches a Mr. Rental shelf full of Mel Brooks films and reading each title] The Producers, Twelve Chairs, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein...

Dark Helmet:
Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you, please?

Colonel Sandurz:
Yes, sir!

Dark Helmet:
[lifts helmet and whispers to Colonel Sandurz and himself quietly] How can there be a cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie? We're still in the middle of making it!

Colonel Sandurz:
Well, that's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.

Dark Helmet:
There has?

Colonel Sandurz:
Yes! Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished!

Dark Helmet:
[doubtfully] Nah!

Corporal:
Here it is, sir! [takes out cassette and holds it] Spaceballs!

Colonel Sandurz:
Good work, Corporal, punch it up! [Corporal puts in tape and it shows an F.B.I. Anti-Piracy warning] That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!

Corporal:
Preparing to fast-forward.

Colonel Sandurz:
Fast-forward!

Corporal:
Fast-forwarding, sir!

[Corporal fast-forwards to the part where Dark Helmet has ignored Sandurz' warning to sit down and buckle up that leads to him denting his helmet severely]

Dark Helmet:
[about the part where he dented his helmet severely] No-no-no, go past this, past this part. In fact, never play this again. [sips coffee in embarrassment]

Colonel Sandurz:
Try here. Stop.

[Corporal stops the tape, then Dark Helmet and Sandurz come across an image of themselves viewing the screen. As they react, the screen mimics what they are doing]

Dark Helmet:
What the Hell am I looking at?! When does this happen in the movie?!

Colonel Sandurz:
"Now." You're looking at "now," sir. Everything that happens now [indicates himself and Helmet] is happening "now." [Indicates the screen]

Dark Helmet:
What happened to "then"?

Colonel Sandurz:
We passed "then."

Dark Helmet:
When?

Colonel Sandurz:
Just now. We're at "now," now.

Dark Helmet:
Go back to "then"!

Colonel Sandurz:
When?

Dark Helmet:
Now!

Colonel Sandurz:
Now?

Dark Helmet:
Now!

Colonel Sandurz:
I can't.

Dark Helmet:
Why?!

Colonel Sandurz:
We missed it.

Dark Helmet:
When?!

Colonel Sandurz:
Just now.

Dark Helmet:
... When will "then" be "now"?

Colonel Sandurz:
Soon.

Dark Helmet:
[backpedals in shock] How soon?

[Corporal rewinds the tape back to a scene showing protagonists wandering in desert]

Corporal:
Sir!

Dark Helmet:
What?!

Corporal:
We have identified their location.

Dark Helmet:
Where?!

Corporal:
It's the moon of Vega!

Colonel Sandurz:
Good work, set a course and prepare for our arrival!

Dark Helmet:
[increasingly panicked] When?!

Corporal:
1900 hours, [7:00 P.M.] sir!

Colonel Sandurz:
By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners!

Dark Helmet:
WHO?!! [mask falls down]

Dark Helmet:
[imitating Dark Helmet doll] So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to!

Dark Helmet:
[Vespa doll] No! No, please, leave me alone!

Dark Helmet:
[Helmet Doll] No, you are mine!

Dark Helmet:
[Lone Starr doll] Not so fast, Helmet!

Dark Helmet:
[Helmet Doll] Lone Starr!

Dark Helmet:
[Lone Starr doll] Yes, it's me, and I'm here to save my girlfriend! Hi, honey!

Dark Helmet:
[Helmet doll] Now you are going to die! [smacks Lone Starr doll with Dark Helmet doll]

Dark Helmet:
[Lone Starr Doll] Oh! Oh! Ohh!

Dark Helmet:
[Barf doll] Hey, what did you do to my friend?!

Dark Helmet:
[Helmet doll] The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy! [knocks Barf over]

Dark Helmet:
[Barf doll] Arrgh! Ohh!

Dark Helmet:
[Helmet doll] And you, too! [knocks Dot doll over]

Dark Helmet:
[Dot doll] Aaargh!

Dark Helmet:
[Helmet doll] Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone!

Dark Helmet:
[Vespa Doll] No, no, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, leave me alone! And yet, I find you strangely attractive.

Dark Helmet:
[Helmet doll] Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have both, and you know it!

Dark Helmet:
[Vespa doll] No, I hate you, leave me alone!

Dark Helmet:
[Helmet doll] No, kiss me!

Dark Helmet:
[Vespa doll] No, no, yes.

Dark Helmet:
[Helmet doll] No.

Dark Helmet:
[Vespa doll] Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, oh, ohh... ohhhh, your helmet is so big.

Colonel Sandurz:
[barges in] Lord Helmet!

Dark Helmet:
[startled, hiding his action figures] WHAT?!

Colonel Sandurz:
You're needed on the bridge, sir!

Dark Helmet:
[unfathomably embarrassed] KNOCK ON MY DOOR! KNOCK NEXT TIME!

Colonel Sandurz:
Yes, sir!

Dark Helmet:
[pause] Did you see anything?

Colonel Sandurz:
No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!

Dark Helmet:
Good!

[Spaceball I's radar has been literally jammed with real jam]

Radar Technician:
[Through P.A to Col. Sandurz] Sir!

Colonel Sandurz:
[as he and Dark Helmet look over] What is it?

Radar Technician:
Can I talk to you for a minute, please, sir?

[Sandurz and Helmet walk over]

Sandurz:
Well?

Radar Technician:
[Still through the P.A] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!

[Sandurz grabs the microphone the Technician was just using]

Sandurz:
: You don't need that, private. We're right here. Now, what is it?

Radar Technician:
[Still through the P.A] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.

[Helmet rips the microphone from the console and throws it aside.]

Dark Helmet:
Now, what is it?

Radar Technician:
[Normally] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!

Dark Helmet:
What's wrong with it?

Radar Technician:
I've lost the bleeps, I lost the sweeps, and I lost the creeps.

Dark Helmet:
The what?

Colonel Sandurz:
The what?

Dark Helmet:
And the what?

Radar Techician:
You know, the bleeps... [Makes radar-beeping noise]... the sweeps... [Makes vibrating noise] and the creeps. [Makes squeaking noise]

Dark Helmet:
[Quietly, to Sandurz] That's not all he's lost.

Radar Technician:
Sir! The radar, sir! It appears to be... [Jam starts flowing through the computer screen] jammed!

Dark Helmet:
Jammed? [Examines the jam and tastes it] Raspberry. There's only one man... [Sandurz breaks the fourth wall by noticing the approaching camera, and getting out of it's way] ...who would dare give me the raspberry! [Pulls his mask down] Lone Starr! [the camera collides with Helmet and he collapses]


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