Spy

Susan Cooper:
[from trailer] [due to her weight, Susan's bike topples] Goddamnit!

Susan Cooper:
I look like someone's homophobic aunt!

Aldo:
One day, lady superspy Susan Cooper, I will f*** you.

Susan Cooper:
[rides a moped up a ramp] I AM SO BADASS! [lands in wet cement]

Rayna Boyanov:
My father used to bring people like you here.

Susan Cooper:
Did he also make you dress like a slutty dolphin trainer?

Aldo:
How do you like my English accent? I learned it from the Downton Abbey!

Nancy B. Artingstall:
I'm very non-physically resourceful. I read a lot of intelligence, I read a lot of poems, and I've read all of the 'Hunger Games'.

Rayna Boyanov:
How is that helpful?

Susan Cooper:
My real name is... Amber Valentine.

Rayna Boyanov:
What are you, a porn star?

[last lines]

Susan Cooper:
[wakes up next to Ford] Aaaaah!

Rick Ford:
Oh, stop screaming, you loved it! [hugs her]

Susan Cooper:
Ugh, God.

Susan Cooper:
Well, here's to your mom.

Rayna Boyanov:
To my mother. And to you.

Susan Cooper:
And here's to you. I mean you may never be as wise as an owl but you'll always be a hoot to me! Haha.

Rayna Boyanov:
What a stupid f***ing retarded toast. You're delightful.

Susan Cooper:
As are you.

[they clink their glasses]

Bradley Fine:
[has gun pointed at Tihomir] Tell me where the bomb is. Ten seconds or you're dead.

Tihomir Boyanov:
Interesting. You see, when my men and I hid it, I made sure to erase any witnesses. And then I erased the erasers. Which means, I'm now the only one who knows just where that dangerously compact and transportable nuke is. So... I'd say I have more than ten seconds.

Bradley Fine:
Well then in that case, I'd say you'd better st- [sneezes and accidentally shoots Tihomir in the head]

Bradley Fine:
Oh, f***...

Susan Cooper:
[on earpiece] Oh my God, why did you do that?

Bradley Fine:
I didn't do it on purpose; there's like a ton of pollen in here!

Bradley Fine:
Who's the finest of them all?

Susan Cooper:
You are! Oh Bradley you so fine, you so fine you blow my mind, hey Bradley! [clap, clap]

Rick Ford:
We have to stop the sale of a nuclear bomb. They send in someone who looks like Santa Claus' f***ing wife!

Susan Cooper:
Uh, did you forget? I am undercover because you are not supposed to be here!

Rick Ford:
Well I make a habit out of doing things that people say I can't do: Walk through fire, waterski blindfolded, take up piano at a late age.

Rick Ford:
You're going to ruin this mission.

Susan Cooper:
No, *you're* going to ruin this mission.

Rick Ford:
No, you are.

Susan Cooper:
No, you're going to!

Rick Ford:
You... times infinity!

Rick Ford:
Nothing kills me. I'm immune to 179 different types of poison. I know because I ingested them all at once when I was deep undercover in an underground poison-ingesting crime ring.

Susan Cooper:
Where'd you get a suit?

Rick Ford:
I f***ing made it, didn't I?

[Susan orders drones to blow up enemies and allows Fine to escape]

Bradley Fine:
Haha, close one! Nice drone work, Coop. I could kiss you!

Susan Cooper:
Oh, haha, well I would accept that with an open mouth.

Nancy B. Artingstall:
Do you know what? You play it too safe.

Susan Cooper:
Oh maybe you're right. I just... I still, you know, hear my mom's voice... "well-behaved women often make history."

Nancy B. Artingstall:
Yes you do know the phrase is, "well-behaved women *seldom* make history."

Susan Cooper:
Yeah that's never how she said it.

Nancy B. Artingstall:
What were her others, uh...

Susan Cooper:
Oh, "just blend in, let somebody else win."

Nancy B. Artingstall:
Classic.

Susan Cooper:
I got that a lot in high school. And there was, "give up on your dreams, Susan." She used to write that in my lunchbox.

Rick Ford:
You really think you're ready for the field? I once used defibrillators on myself. I put shards of glass in my f***in' eye. I've jumped from a high-rise building using only a raincoat as a parachute and broke both legs upon landing; I still had to pretend I was in a f***ing Cirque du Soleil show! I've swallowed enough microchips and shit them back out again to make a computer. This arm has been ripped off completely and re-attached with *this* f***in' arm.

Susan Cooper:
I don't know that that's possible... I mean medically...

Rick Ford:
During the threat of an assassination attempt, I appeared convincingly in front of congress as Barack Obama.

Susan Cooper:
In black-face? That's not appropriate.

Rick Ford:
I watched the woman I love get tossed from a plane and hit by another plane mid-air. I drove a car off a freeway on top of a train while it was on fire. Not the car, *I* was on fire.

Susan Cooper:
Jesus, you're intense.

Rayna Boyanov:
F***! People are trying to kill me and all that's left of my security guard is you two and you look like someone's demented aunts on vacation! You!

[Points at Susan]

Rayna Boyanov:
Don't you have someone in your team other than this asthmatic big bird?

Rayna Boyanov:
Whatever, f*** you.

Susan Cooper:
I knew you liked me!

Susan Cooper:
Hey! F*** you too.

Susan Cooper:
And f*** you for saying I look anything like that f***ing beast... No wonder your dad never had the son he wanted; you f*** that monster once, and you just drop the f***ing mic and walk out.

Susan Cooper:
It's got a Martha Stewart had a breakdown feel.

Susan Cooper:
And by the way, I can see your gun, unless you're SO extreme that you have a second dick coming out of your hip!

Nancy B. Artingstall:
I don't condone this sexy yet reckless behavior, Susan Cooper!

Rick Ford:
Oh, f*** my ass!

Susan Cooper:
[commenting on Rick's clumsy rescue entrance] He means well.

Rick Ford:
Cooper, is this a f***ing LAKE?

Aldo:
Hello, captured lady.

Susan Cooper:
Jiminy Christmas!

Rick Ford:
I told you to send me in there instead of Fine, and you didn't. And now Fine's *dead*. I'm going the f*** in.

Elaine Crocker:
You can't. We need someone to follow De Luca without being detected... And that will hopefully take us to Rayna, but it can't be any of you.

Rick Ford:
Here's what we do... I go into the Face/Off machine, get a whole new face. I turn up, they never know it's me.

Elaine Crocker:
Do you have quarters? Because it costs 50 cents.

Rick Ford:
What, I gotta pay?

Elaine Crocker:
*No*, because it doesn't exist

Rick Ford:
Yes, it does! I heard Cress and Wright talking about it in the shitter. [Points to Cress and Wright as they look down, hiding there laughter]

Elaine Crocker:
I'm sure they were pulling your leg.

Rick Ford:
You pair of f***ing vaginas! [Cress and Wright burst out laughing]

Elaine Crocker:
Seriously? You've got to cut that out.

[first lines]

Bradley Fine:
Baccarat. Exquisite. [throws his champagne flute to the floor]

Elaine Crocker:
Susan, I read your assessment report on Rayna Boyanov. I know you're probably feeling a lot of emotion right now, but please refrain from using the term "thundercunt."

Susan Cooper:
Oh my God, Rayna. Thank God your hair broke your fall.

Susan Cooper:
So, what's the plan, who are we meeting?

Rayna Boyanov:
You're my body guard, not my business partner, so just focus on guarding my body.

Susan Cooper:
So not knowing who we're meeting tonight is gonna make me extra effective. That's okay, I get it. I got shit to do. You'll probably be fine. why don't I go get you a nice dress to be buried in? Dumb ass.

Susan Cooper:
Give me your f***in' coat.

Anton:
This is a man's coat.

Susan Cooper:
Yeah, but I don't see a man, do I? I see a reject from The Sound of Music.

Susan Cooper:
[having stabbed her opponent] Oh, that's clean through.

Lia:
Thanks for your weapon.

Susan Cooper:
Well, you know, it's been inside you, so I don't think it should go inside me...

Susan Cooper:
You're a loud kisser.

Rayna Boyanov:
Excuse me?

Susan Cooper:
You're a loud kisser, and it's gross and unappealing. You look like some old toothless woman suckin' the jelly out of a donut.

Bradley Fine:
[Points at Aldo] Is he dangerous?

Susan Cooper:
Only if you have boobs.

Sergio De Luca:
What's going on at the CIA? Drones taking all the cool assignments?

Susan Cooper:
I pulled up my file. [puts file near the keyboard]

Elaine Crocker:
Jesus, not my keyboard with your pinkeye infected fingers! Why don't you just cry directly into my mouth while you're at it?

Susan Cooper:
I'm taking that f***ing coat!

Susan Cooper:
So, you need me De Luca, and I'm not gonna help you unless you keep Fine alive.

Sergio De Luca:
Now, let me get this straight, you work for the CIA, yet your're willing to help me sell a nuclear bomb in order to save this man's life. Why would I believe that?

Rayna Boyanov:
Because she's in love with him.

Susan Cooper:
Yeah, so what? This idiot doesn't even know it. Too dumb to know I'd do anything for him.

Aldo:
[Yelling] Hey, heroic lady! In my country there is a saying about women like you, "Hot as f***!",

Susan Cooper:
Oh God. Not now, Aldo!

Susan Cooper:
Nice copter! Where'd you get it?

Nancy B. Artingstall:
It's 50 Cent's! I had to deputize him to let us use it. He is so afraid of me!

Curtis '50 Cent' Jackson:
I'm a motherf***ing spy. Let's go shoot somebody else!

Nancy B. Artingstall:
Simmer down, 50 Cent or I'll mount you again!

Curtis '50 Cent' Jackson:
This day is just getting better and better!

Nancy B. Artingstall:
He wants me!

Susan Cooper:
How long was I out?

Rayna Boyanov:
You fainted just long enough for us to laugh at you.

Susan Cooper:
What happened?

Rayna Boyanov:
It was all a dream... I'm just kidding. A man's throat dissolved.

Rayna Boyanov:
The moment I saw you standing there in that abortion of a dress...

Susan Cooper:
Ah... Come on.

Rayna Boyanov:
It was as if to say "This is what I've got, world. It's hideous, but it's mine."

Rayna Boyanov:
[disgusted] Oh, God! One of these dead f***ers just shit his pants.

Elaine Crocker:
[referring to Susan's disastrous training video] I must have watched this fifteen times now because what the f***? I almost put it up on YouTube.

Nancy B. Artingstall:
This is just like when I watched myself in a sex tape. There was just a lot of floundering and laughable moments.

Susan Cooper:
[referring to Anton] Does he not look like a bag o' dicks?

Anton:
You're both named Amber?

Susan Cooper:
Whoa, what did I tell you about talking to me?

Anton:
Nothing. You said nothing about talking.

Susan Cooper:
[holds up her fists] You want me to have Cagney and f***ing Lacey explain it to you? Cagney's coming down your f***ing throat. Lacey, she's gonna come up your ass. I'm gonna meet them in the f***ing middle and play your heart like a *f***ing* accordion. I'm gonna pump that shit until it pops, you Swedish bitch!

Anton:
You wouldn't dare!

Susan Cooper:
You gonna cry, you little Swiss f***ing pussy?

Anton:
I'm not gonna cry.

Susan Cooper:
You're crying now!

Anton:
[voice cracks] I'm not! It's so f***ing hot.

Patrick:
[Shows Susan a bottle of Stool Softener pills] If you ever feel like you have been poisoned, chew one of these.

Susan Cooper:
Have I done something to you to upset you?

Susan Cooper:
Aw, come on!

Aldo:
You, in this outfit... Magnifico! [Susan slams door shut on Aldo]

Susan Cooper:
I need you to untie me now. [Aldo motions to untie her] That's my ass!

Aldo:
It is very difficult to see or gauge my position.

Susan Cooper:
You're just simply grabbing my ass.

Aldo:
Oh, I am sorry.

Aldo:
Ciao Bella, welcome to Rome! My name is Aldo, like the shoe store from the American mall.

Susan:
Hi, I'm Penny, like the Penny.

Aldo:
Or like Penny ala Vodka!

Susan:
Did you just grab my butt?

Aldo:
Yes. Come, we need to get you to DeLuca.

Bradley Fine:
I could kiss you!

Susan Cooper:
Oh. [chuckles] Well, I would accept that with an open mouth.

Bradley Fine:
Did you wipe your eye after you cleared out the cat box?

Susan Cooper:
I don't have cats.

Bradley Fine:
Why did I think that?

Susan Cooper:
I don't know.

Bradley Fine:
You should get some. They're—they're good company.

Rick Ford:
What're you gonna do: bring one of your cats as a sidekick?

Susan Cooper:
I don't have any cats.

Patrick:
And, may I say, it is very brave of you to sacrifice your life for your country.

Susan Cooper:
Oh, I'm not sacrifi—I-I'm coming back.

Patrick:
Let's see.

Susan Cooper:
It probably happens all the time.

Woman:
It's never happened before.

Susan Cooper:
Oh, my God! Somebody just put something in her drink.

Nancy B. Artingstall:
What is it? is it poison?

Susan Cooper:
I don't think it's a fibre supplement.

Susan Cooper:
I will have the Sapori e Delizie.

Waiter:
Right. That is the name of the restaurant.

Susan Cooper:
You may never be as wise as an owl, but you'll always be a hoot to me.

Rayna Boyanov:
What a stupid fucking retarded toast. You're delightful.