Stay Lucky

[Thomas is thumbing a lift and Sally drives past him without stopping]

Thomas Gynn:
[yelling at her car] Oh, come on! *Someone* give us a bleeding lift!

Sally Hardcastle:
[to herself] Sorry, D*ckhead. Not today.

[Sally stops the car and nudges Thomas to wake him up]

Sally Hardcastle:
OK, D*ckhead!

Thomas Gynn:
What? Oh, is this it? Is this Leeds?

Sally Hardcastle:
I realise it's not quite the metropolis that you're used to.

Thomas Gynn:
No, I just thought it'd be a lot bigger - I thought there'd be tower blocks and all that.

Sally Hardcastle:
Yeah, well you'll be very pleased to know that we *do* have gas and electricity up here.

Thomas Gynn:
And right stroppy birds.

Sally Hardcastle:
Out!

Thomas Gynn:
Oooh. So much for northern hospitality.

Sally Hardcastle:
If you're not out of this car in ten seconds, I'm going to scream so loud...

Thomas Gynn:
All right. Thanks very much.

Sally Hardcastle:
And if you're up here on some kind of scam, I hope you lose your shirt!

Thomas Gynn:
Last time I saw a mouth like yours, it had a hook in it!

[he gets his bag from the back seat and walks away]

[earlier, Thomas had accidentally seen Samantha in the shower and had teased her about a butterfly tattoo on her buttock; she offered to keep quiet about Thomas's spell in prison if he would keep quiet about the butterfly]

Barney Potter:
[talking about Samantha] Tha can put no bloody flies over that 'un, eh?

Thomas Gynn:
Only of the butter variety.

Samantha Mansfield:
[primly] As I remember correctly, we had a deal on the subject of insects and institutions.

Lady Karen Winderscale:
[desperately] Look, Darling, I can explain.

Lord Winderscale:
Please, no more lies. You wanted it so much.

[he gives the painting to Lady Karen]

Lord Winderscale:
Here, it's yours. Take it and go. Your bags are packed and ready. Mr Millhaven's two representatives are awaiting your arrival in their hotel in Leeds. I do hope he pays you a fair price for that. Because *that* is all you're ever going to get from me by way of a settlement.

Lady Karen Winderscale:
Look, you can't...

[to Howard Longhurst]

Lady Karen Winderscale:
He can't do this to me, Howard.

Howard Longhurst:
He can. Think yourself lucky, Karen. In a divorce court you'd get nothing. I've resigned as your husband's legal advisor and I'm quite prepared to testify to our affair.

Kevin:
You and all? Hell's bloody bells!

Lord Winderscale:
Indeed.

Lord Winderscale:
[shouts] Morgan!

Lady Karen Winderscale:
You fool! I've got *exactly* what I wanted: one million pounds, and I don't have to share a penny of it with anybody. All I ever wanted was to get away from you - from you and this dead-and-alive place.

[Morgan comes into the room]

Lord Winderscale:
This lady is leaving, Morgan, never to return.

Morgan:
[obsequiously] Oh, very good, sir.

Morgan:
[snarls] Right, you trollope. Git!

[Lady Winderscale walks out of the room]

Kevin:
After all we went through to get it back for you.

Sally Hardcastle:
What the *hell* have you done?

Lord Winderscale:
[gleefully] That painting is in fact a forgery.

Kevin:
So Lady Muck ended up with sweet FA?

Lord Winderscale:
Correct. And she won't find out until Millhaven tries to get it authenticated.

[they all laugh]