Staying Together

Eileen McDermott:
If you don't eat in June, you'll be dead in July.

Duncan McDermott:
Kit, I hate to bring it up with this sumptuous repast, but it looks as if you're drinking a glass of puke.

Kit McDermott:
You'd know.

Jake McDermott:
[handing over $20 per Duncan's request] Will this be enough?

Duncan McDermott:
You are a humanitarian, a benevolent presence in this age of frugality. If all fathers were such good examples to their sons, this world would be...

[Jake covers Duncan's mouth]

Duncan McDermott:
[entering restaurant bathroom and pulling down his pants] Hurry, Lois, we only got a couple minutes.

Lois Cook:
What? What're you doing?

Duncan McDermott:
Oh, Lois, don't pull the virgin bit again.

Lois Cook:
Speak for yourself, baby boy.

Duncan McDermott:
Lois, I'm hurting. I am BURNING. I have this erection. It is so big it's like one of those Thanksgiving Day balloons. If I don't do something about it soon - BANG! - I'll be left without a dick for the rest of my life! I'm only seventeen!

Lois Cook:
You're jail bait.

Lois Cook:
You'd poop your pants if I ever said yes.

Duncan McDermott:
[laughing] You know, you're right. I'd better get back to work.

Duncan McDermott:
The sexual demands of this job are too much.

Kit McDermott:
How do I look?

Duncan McDermott:
Like sh*t. Go get her.

Beverly Young:
Are you coming to my wedding?

Kit McDermott:
Oh, I don't... I don't have anything to wear.

Beverly Young:
That's okay.

Kit McDermott:
You mean I don't have to wear anything?

Nancy Trainer:
Is that all you're ever gonna want from me is sex?

Brian McDermott:
Yeah. Why, what do you want from me?

Nancy Trainer:
Your vote.

Brian McDermott:
[drunk] Act young, stay young - that's my philosophy.

Kevin Burley:
[resentfully] Yeah, well, it seems to be working for ya.

Duncan McDermott:
Drinking? Taking dope? Harassing innocent people? I am SHOCKED at your behavior. And to think you wanted me, an impressionable youth...

Kit McDermott:
Shut up.

Duncan McDermott:
Well, thank heavens I crawled up with a good book instead.

Jake McDermott:
Has any of you ever seen me eat an egg? Well, have you ever seen your mother serve me an egg for breakfast? I'll answer for you - no. Never. And do you know why? Has anybody ever asked yourself why your old man doesn't eat eggs? Because they come from chickens, and if there's one thing I hate more than eggs, it is chickens. Twenty-five years I sold chickens. My whole life, one way or another, has been about chickens, and I hate 'em! They're filthy, they're stupid, they're rats with a good reputation.

Brian McDermott:
I don't give a damn about your reasons. Your reasons are crap! You didn't TELL us! You told other people, though, didn't ya? For all I know, this whole f***ing town knows about it! But not us. No, not us. What are we, huh? Do we mean anything to you? No, we're just kids, right? Kids can't be trusted. And if your own father can't trust you, then who the hell can?

Brian McDermott:
I hope you got a plan, Dad, because I SURE AS HELL DON'T! I'm depending on YOU for those answers because I'm "just a kid," DAD! And that's what daddies are for - TO PROVIDE!

Jake McDermott:
Why don't you just set some of this stuff down, and we'll go in the TV room and close the door, and we'll have it out.

Brian McDermott:
Live in your own world, Dad. I don't have time to waste.

Duncan McDermott:
The boy who wouldn't speak to his father is a good bit. You do it really well, but the prodigal son is good, too. Check it out. I can't speak for the others, but I wouldn't mind seeing your stupid face once in a while.

Beverly Young:
The modern woman ALWAYS has her lovers at her wedding.

Duncan McDermott:
Good morning, gentlemen. Enclosed you will find a complete accounting of every penny you've lent me over the years. You will ALSO find legal tender in payment of the aforesaid debts, and interest at current bank rates. Brian, your generosity has only been exceeded by your patience. Kit, m' main man, I hope I didn't cause you any undue financial hardship. Gentlemen, good day.

Brian McDermott:
Don't we count? We put our whole lives into that business, too, you know? And today it's, uh, "Hey, kids by the way, f*** you. We're closed."

Jake McDermott:
Now, we have rules about that word.

Brian McDermott:
We don't have rules. You just f***ed all the rules.

Jake McDermott:
I expect you to be surprised.

Brian McDermott:
What are we, huh? Come on, you're lookin' at us. Do we mean anything to you? Are we your sons?

Jake McDermott:
Let's just discuss this calmly, all right?

Brian McDermott:
Discuss it. Now you want to discuss it. You... you're... you're unbelievable.

Brian McDermott:
Dump me but don't bullshit me.

Nancy Trainer:
I didn't know I'd actually win. I thought it was just a dry run.

Brian McDermott:
Or you would have dumped me a long tome ago, right? Because it wouldn't look so good for the mayor to be seen out robbin' the cradle.

Brian McDermott:
[to Kit] Baby brother here is applying for college.

Duncan McDermott:
Yeah, well, somebody better amount to something in this family. I mean, my god, you push a broom, you sling cement, our dear mother works in a saloon - somebody has got to lift the McDurmott family name out of the mud.

Duncan McDermott:
Ward, I'm a little worried about the Beaver.

Kit McDermott:
There are no small towns, just small people.

Duncan McDermott:
You know, when you think about it...

Kit McDermott:
Uh-oh, Duncan's thinking.

Duncan McDermott:
..."f*** you" isn't such a bad thing to say to somebody. I mean, it's kind of sweet. It's like saying, "I love you," only it's more... hip.

Brian McDermott:
Duncan, don't you ever shut up?

Duncan McDermott:
No, this is important. This is serious. I mean, half of the world is going around saying something to the other half and they don't even know it's a compliment. I mean, my God, this is a linguistic breakthrough!

Kit McDermott:
Danger. Philosopher crossing over here.

Duncan McDermott:
What a night! They'll talk about this for years to come. It'll change the way the world thinks, like the theory of relativity or... or the discovery of gravity. "F*** you" is GOOD! Brian! F*** you! Kit! F*** you, too!

Kit McDermott:
Yeah, yeah. Eloquently put, anyway, right?

Brian McDermott:
Yes, indeed.

Lois Cook:
You know, I've been thinkin' about that erection of yours. Are you, um, doing anything with it, say around eleven o'clock tonight? You know where I live? Bring it by.