Stepford Wives

Mike Wellington:
Only one can survive.

Stepford Wife:
I'm going to use a pinecone as the baby Jesus this year.

Bobbi Markowitz:
And I'm going to attach a pinecone to my vibrator and have a really Merry Christmas this year.

Bobbi Markowitz:
I got you Mace Windu and Amidala.

Max Markowitz:
And Boba Fett?

Bobbi Markowitz:
They were all sold out. Here, have five hundred dollars.

Claire Wellington:
I asked myself, "Where would no one notice a town full of robots?" Connecticut.

Mike Wellington:
My real name isn't Mike, it's just a nickname from where I used to work.

Joanna Eberhard:
Where?

Mike Wellington:
Microsoft.

Ted Van Sant:
NASA.

Vic Stevens:
Disney.

Stan Peters:
AOL.

Joanna Eberhard:
Is that why the women are so slow?

Claire Wellington:
Today, we are going to discuss - well, it is probably the most important book any of us will ever read. Yes, it is provocative, but it is also inspiring: The Heritage Hills Special Edition Golden Deluxe Treasury of Christmas Keepsakes and Collectibles!

Claire Wellington:
This book said to me, 'Let's celebrate the birth of our lord Jesus Christ... with yarn.'

Joanna Eberhart:
We're trespassing!

Bobbie Markowitz:
Only if we get caught.

Walter Kresby:
She's not a robot. She never was. I couldn't do it.

Mike Wellington:
Why not?

Walter Kresby:
Because she's not a science project. Because I didn't marry something from RadioShack.

Mike Wellington:
That's a shame.

Joanna Eberhart:
No. That's a man.

Roger Bannister:
Oh, I feel like Nancy Drew in the mystery of mid-life crisis.

Dave Markowitz:
Why can't you bake like that?

Bobbie Markowitz:
Why can't you?

Dave Markowitz:
I have a penis.

Charmaine Van Sant:
Nice khakis, Walter...

Walter Kresby:
Thanks, I was experimenting...

Charmaine Van Sant:
Now I know why they call it *Banana* Republic.

Joanna Eberhart:
How do I look?

Bobbi Markowitz:
Can I be perfectly honest?

Joanna Eberhart:
Mm-hmmm.

Bobbi Markowitz:
You kind of look like Betty Crocker.

Joanna Eberhart:
I know.

Roger Bannister:
At Betty Ford.

Roger Bannister:
What am I wearing?

Walter Kresby:
Only castrating, Manhattan career b*tches wear black. Is that what you want to be?

Joanna Eberhart:
Ever since I was a little girl.

Claire Wellington:
Well, aren't you a bug's ear.

Kimberly Kresby:
Bugs don't have ears.

Claire Wellington:
Why, aren't you sassy? And a little sad.

Claire Wellington:
And this must be Joanna.

Claire Wellington:
Electroshock?

Walter Kresby:
Yes, but she's doing much better.

Claire Wellington:
Hello, little energizer.

Joanna Eberhard:
But, she had sparks coming out of her ears.

Roger Bannister:
That's the first sign.

Joanna Eberhard:
Of what?

Roger Bannister:
Cheap jewelery.

Joanna Eberhart:
Hey, aren't you Bobbi Markowitz? I love your books. What was the name of that book, the one about your mother?

Bobbi Markowitz:
'I Love You, But Please Die.'

Bobbi Markowitz:
My psychiatrist says I need creative chaos.

Roger Bannister:
My shrink says I need boundaries.

Joanna Eberhart:
Mine says I need enough electricity to jumpstart Vegas.

Helen Devlin:
Ladies and gentlemen, I would now like to introduce a legend in our industry. She's the most successful president in the history of our network and for the past five years has kept us at the very top of the ratings.

Dave Markowitz:
Hey, you guys. Which aisle is quilted paper towels? If I don't get the right kind, my wife's gonna kill me.