Still Game

Victor McDade:
[to Jack and Winston] Consider this, you're warm noo, but how's it gonnae be in a wee stony jail cell, with nothing to heat ye up... but a hot boabie RIGHT up your arse!

Boabby:
[Jack and Victor enter The Clansman] Oh, here they come. Abbott and Costello. You're putting the beef on, Jack.

Jack Jarvis:
Aye, that's right. Everytime I shag your wife, she makes me a sandwich.

Boabby:
[Jack and Victor enter the Clansman] Ho-ho, it's the two Ronnies!

Victor McDade:
Oh, the two Ronnies, now? Well, then, it's shut-up-ya-prick frae me...

Jack Jarvis:
And its shut-up-ya-prick frae him!

Boabby:
[Jack and Victor enter the pub] Oh, here they come, Batman and Robin!

Victor McDade:
We'll accept that, so long as you go catwoman, you big p*ssy!

Victor McDade:
[Victor is clearing out Jack's fridge when he comes across a dated looking can of Tennants Lager] Jeezo Jack, there's a lassie on this tin, it'll be well past it's sell-by.

Jack Jarvis:
Ahh right, mind you, they never put sell-by dates on the cans back then, so it should be ok.

Boabby:
[Jack and Victor enter The Clansman] Oh, Here comes Francie and Josie.

Jack Jarvis, Victor McDade:
Shut up Dick!

Boabby:
For the millionth time, it's Bobby!

Winston Ingram:
But know this! I run a tight ship, not a shite tip!

Thomas's Friend:
Burnt ma finger cookin cookies in yer cooker.

Victor McDade:
[to the ghost of Jack's wife who is enticing Jack into heaven] Back off, ya spooky b*tch.

Spire Supervisor:
[after becoming a Spire store, a supervisor has been sent out to Navid's shop] Mr Harrid, you must remember you are no longer you- you are Agent 357.

Navid Harrid:
Yeah, I see now. But do you know what the problem is?

Spire Supervisor:
What's that?

Navid Harrid:
I HATE being Agent 357. [the both look up to the LED Special Offers board to see "Shove your Spire right up your arse... you wee fanny!"]

Boabby:
[Jack and Victor enter The Clansman] Hey look! It's Lambert and Butler!

Jack Jarvis:
Shut it Bobby, you're the only fag in here.

Boabby:
[Jack and Victor enter The Clansman] Oh, look who it isnae.

Jack Jarvis:
Oh, that is fantastic patter, Bobby, who are we no today, ya prick?

Victor McDade:
Two lagers, ya fanny.

Isa Drennan:
I wis just sayin tae Jack and Victor, it'd be handy tae hae a key fur Wullie MacIntosh's hoose.

Winston Ingram:
I hae a key! [gets whacked by Victor]... fur mah door. It's handy 'cause if I didnae hae wan, I'd huf tae climb in through the windae.

Jack Jarvis:
[referring to many bottles of milk on doorstep] Victor, Don't let this ever happen tae me. Aw the milk aw stacked up there and naebody even coming tae check on me.

Victor McDade:
That would never happen, Jack... For I would cancel my own milk, and simply take yours. Free milk.

Jack Jarvis:
Deed man's milk?

Victor McDade:
Best in the gear. And I would continue to do so until the relevant authorities corrected their error.

Jack Jarvis, Victor McDade, Winston Ingram:
This is the ballad of Mrs Begg, who doubted Winston's dodgy leg. Now she waits on me round the clock, because she got fond of old Bert's cock.