Ted

Ted is a 2012 American comedy film about a man whose wish of bringing his teddy bear to life came true. Now he must decide between keeping the relationship with the teddy bear or his girlfriend.

Genre: Comedy, Fantasy
Production: Universal Pictures
  Nominated for 1 Oscar. Another 13 wins & 27 nominations.
 
IMDB:
7.0
Metacritic:
62
Rotten Tomatoes:
68%
R
Year:
2012
106
$218,100,000
Website
1,542 Views

[Norah Jones returns to the stage after an intermission]

Norah Jones:
Thank you. So I'm gonna give my chops a rest and bring a friend up to the stage. He's gonna sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much. Please, give a big hand... to John Bennett!

[John enters the stage and waves at the crowd]

Lori:
Oh... my God.

Rex:
Holy... shit.

[John attempts to shake Norah's hand, but she smacks his bottom on her way toward the piano. John approaches the microphone]

Ted:
I gotta f*** her again.

John:
Um, hiya. My name is John Bennett, and this is for Lori Collins, 'cause I love you. You know, this song reminds me of the most important night in my life... the night we met. Uh, this is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.

[Norah plays the saxophone and piano to start the song]

John:
[singing off-key] All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two / Had no intention to do the things we've done...

Ted:
Still better than Katy Perry.

John:
[singing off-key] Funny how it always goes with love, when you don't look, you find / But then we're two of a kind / [raises voice] We move as one / We're an all-time high...

Rex:
You suck! Get off the stage - Oh, c'mon, give him a chance!

[Crowd boos John as he continues to sing]

Angry fan:
You're an asshole!

[Angry fan jumps off the guard rail and runs toward John, but John knocks him out with the microphone stand, sending him crashing off the stage]

Norah Jones:
Oh Jesus!

[Security escorts John off the stage as other personnel surround the injured fan]

[Rex escorts John to the second floor of his house, showing off all of his expensive memorabilia]

Rex:
This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat. I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at an auction.

John:
Wow, cool.

Rex:
Yeah, cool. [Pointing at boxing gloves on display] These boxing gloves worn by Joe Louis in his first fight. [Stops and points at abstract painting] This is art. Get it?

[John shrugs]

Rex:
[Pointing at glasses on display] These were John Lennon's glasses. They're worth like a million dollars. [pointing at a photo frame] That's me and Tom Skerritt. Oh, check this out. [They stop in front of a display] This is Lance Armstrong's nut. I had it freeze-dried and bronzed. Every now and then, when life's getting me down and things are tough, I just come up here... and look at that. It reminds me that... things aren't so bad.

John:
Sometimes you feel like a nut.

Rex:
[Looks at John] Sometimes you don't.

[They both walk to the bar]

Rex:
So, talk to me, Jonny Quest, how are things with you and Lori?

John:
You know, things are great, actually.

Rex:
Oh that's great. That is great.

John:
You know, uh, Lori would hate me for saying this, but, she told me how you are at the office. And as one gentleman to another, I just wanna say I really hope you f***ing get Lou Gehrig's disease.

Rex:
[Giggles] Well, uh, let me, uh, let me get to clear the air a little. I mean, yeah, I'm kind of a fun time boss and whatnot. But look, man, I do that with everyone at the office. I'm a kook. I have no desires on your girlfriend. We work together, and that's it. You know, I think you're a great guy, and she's a very lucky girl.

John:
Well that's good to hear.

Rex:
Yeah.

[John gets a phone call from Ted]

John:
Excuse me. [Walks out of the bar as he answers his phone] Hey, Ted.

Ted:
Johnny, where are you? You gotta get over here, man!

John:
Why? What's going on?

Ted:
Okay, so I'm having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here.

John:
What?

Ted:
Sam Jones, Flash F***ing Gordon is here.

John:
Holy shit! What?

Ted:
You remember I said my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in town with his cousin. And who do you think is with him? Sam Jones. Sam Jones is here. And John, his hair is parted down the middle.

John:
Just like in the movie.

Ted:
Yes. Get over here, right now.

John:
[Whispers] F***, I can't! I'm with Lori here. I'm already on probation. I just... I can't.

Ted:
John, Flash Gordon was the most important figure of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil. And that the word 'acting' apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me.

John:
[Breathing heavily] I'm coming.

[John runs back to the bar]

John:
Rex, I gotta go. Look, I'll be back in like 30 minutes, tops, okay? But Lori cannot find out. She absolutely cannot know I was gone. If you can cover for me, I'm cool with all that other shit.

Rex:
I got your back on this. She won't know. I've been there.

John:
Alright, this is one man to another. I don't really know you, but I'm trusting you as a man. This is serious.

Rex:
Dude, one man to another, I got you on this.

John:
Thank you. I'll be back.

[John runs out to Lori's car]

Rex:
I'm gonna have sex with your girlfriend.

Lori:
So, Tami-Lynn, why don't you... tell us a little bit about yourself, like where you're from? I'm always fascinated to meet Ted's girlfriends.

Tami-Lynn:
What do you mean, 'girlfriends'? [Looking at Ted] What's it like a lot of 'em or somethin'?

Ted:
N-no, that's not what she meant at all. Right, Lori? You didn't mean that.

Lori:
No, what I meant to say was Ted's very handsome, so I'm always interested in meeting the ladies that can snatch him up.

Tami-Lynn:
Did you just call me a whore?

Lori:
What?

Tami-Lynn:
You just worry about your own snatch. How about that, honey?

Ted, John:
Whoa!

John:
What the hell happened? We're having a friendly meal.

Ted:
Yeah, this was a nice evening.

Tami-Lynn:
Don't talk shit to me.

Lori:
I just asked you a question.

Tami-Lynn:
You know, you're a frickin' snob. You think you're all cool, 'cause you work at some f***in' fancy shit place? Whatever.

Ted:
Take it easy. [Looks at Lori] Nice, Lori. Real nice.

Lori:
Me? It's not my fault she can't speak English.

Tami-Lynn:
[Gets up] Oh f*** you! Just 'cause you're on the business world and shit, you think what, everybody should suck your asshole or somethin'?

Ted:
[Grabs Tami-Lynn's hand to calm her down] Okay, all right. Tami-Lynn, come on, honey. Let's get out of here. We'll go back to my place for a couple of Vodka and Strawberry Quiks, all right? Come on.

Tami-Lynn:
You know what? I gave birth once, bitch! I can kick your f***in' ass! And you better never should you show your face around Quincy, you hear me? Ever!

Ted:
Okay, okay, come on. Come on.

[Ted and Tami-Lynn walk out of the restaurant]

Ted:
I didn't know you had a baby. Is it alive?

Ted:
I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex.

John:
What?

Ted:
I'm serious, John. I went over to talk to her and maybe take some of the heat off you, and there he was, picking her up. They were going to the Hatch Shell.

John:
You're fucking unbelievable, you know that? I mean, how stupid do you think I am? If you think, by making shit like that up, you're gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her, you're out of your fucking mind...

Ted:
Johnny, it's the truth, I'm telling you.

John:
You know what? Get outta here...

Ted:
You're acting like a cock, you know that?

John:
What now?! I'm acting like a cock?!

Ted:
Yes, you are. So shut your meat hole for a second and listen to me.

John:
Huh?

Ted:
Meat hole. No, that's not right, is it? No. Pudding hole? Is that what they say? No, that can't be that either right? Because, "'cause how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?!" Heh, Pink Floyd. Look, the point is you're blaming me for something that you did to yourself. Lori was right about you. You cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.

John:
Oh, and you can?

Ted:
I don't have to! I'm a fucking teddy bear! You know something? I didn't tie you up and drag you to that party. Alright? I wanted you to come because you're supposedly my best friend!

John:
You can't stand there and say you haven't always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship! I mean, it works out so much better for you when you and I are getting fucked up on the couch at 9 AM, doesn't it?!

Ted:
Listen to yourself! What am I, Emperor Ming here controlling your mind? That's your choice, John! And you know, by blaming me, you're just making yourself look like a pussy.

John:
[Angered] You know, sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just got a Teddy Ruxpin.

Ted:
Say that one more time.

John:
TEDDY-RUX-FUCKING-PIN!

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