The 40 Year Old Virgin

Cal:
Oh, man, I had a weekend.

Andy Stitzer:
Yeah?

Cal:
We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And... it's a woman f***in' a horse. We get there and we think it's gonna be awesome and... it is not as cool as it sounds like it's gonna be. It's kinda gross.

Andy Stitzer:
Yeah.

Cal:
You think "A woman f***in' a horse" and you get there and... it's a woman f***ing a horse.

Andy Stitzer:
Yeah.

Cal:
It was really giving it to her. And you know what? To be honest I just felt bad for her, we all just felt bad for her.

Andy Stitzer:
Yeah.

Cal:
I kinda felt bad for the horse!

Andy Stitzer:
Wow, that's something.

Cal:
So what about you? What did you get up to?

Andy Stitzer:
You know, I just kinda hung out. I was... [pause] Oh man, Friday, I really wanted an egg salad sandwich and I was just obsessing about it and I was like, 'Man, I'm gonna make one of those.' So Saturday, I went out and got, like, a dozen eggs and then I boiled them all and I just, I spent, I dunno, probably three hours, like three and a half hours making, you know, the mayonnaise, and the onions and paprika and, you know, the necessary accoutrement. And then, by the time I was done, I didn't really feel like like eating it.

Cal:
I can imagine.

Andy Stitzer:
And I didn't have any bread. [pause] So you know, it was pretty good. It was a good weekend.

Cal:
Sounds pretty awesome.

Andy Stitzer:
Yeah, it was fine.

Cal:
Sounds really fun. [pause] Cool... Cool cool.

Cal:
[Andy turns away and Cal mimics blowing his own brains out with a finger pistol]

Jill:
Are you Andy?

Andy Stitzer:
Uh... yeah.

Jill:
[holds up Jay's card] Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?

Jay:
My girlfriend Jill found *your* speed dating card.

[raises his eyebrows]

Andy Stitzer:
[Covering] Oh! Yeah... right. God, I've been looking for that speed dating card. Thank you so much for bringing it to me.

Jill:
So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?

Andy Stitzer:
[Stunned] Mmm-hmm... yeah, "hurtin' for a squirtin'". Yeah, I wrote that.

Jill:
Oh, so you wrote, "ho fo' sho'".

Andy Stitzer:
[Embarrassed] Yeah, I remember that girl. She was a ho... for sho'.

Jill:
You are never going to meet anyone with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a bitch!

Andy Stitzer:
Who the... Who the f*** are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, all right? And stop with the inquisition.

Jill:
That's how you talk?

Andy Stitzer:
You know what? I don't have to answer to you, you ain't my bitch! Know what I sayin'? So, shit, man... f*** it!

Jill:
[to Jay] You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert.

Jay:
I don't hang out with him! I work with him and that's it! I tried to introduce him to a few nice people, he made a fool of himself. I don't mess with him, baby. That's not me.

Andy Stitzer:
You should keep your ho on a leash.

Jay:
Oh, bro, I can't let you talk...

Andy Stitzer:
Hey!

Jay:
I can't let you be talking to my woman that way, dawg.

Andy Stitzer:
Hey, hey! Bitch's running wild, man.

Mooj:
[talking to a customer] This is a great TV. Nothing beats a plasma.

Jay:
What are you doing? That's my customer.

Mooj:
It certainly is not. When I came upon her, she was unattended

Jay:
No, no, that's my... She was unattended because I went to the back to get the brochure she requested.

Mooj:
I apologize, but it's too late. The transaction is completed.

Jay:
Then you gonna give me half the commission.

Mooj:
You will receive none of the commission.

Jay:
I need to talk to Paula. This is crazy, man!

Mooj:
This is bullshit! Every time I make a sale, you go crying to Paula. How about... how about Jesse Jackson? Oh, Jesse, he needs a call...

Jay:
I'm sick of you poaching my customers.

Mooj:
I'm sick of your crybaby bullshit!

Jay:
You wanna take this shit outside? You wanna just take it outside and just squash it?

Mooj:
Let's stay inside so everybody can see what a pussy you have, okay? Because when I remove the blade I keep in my boot from its sheath, I cannot return it until it has spilt blood.

Jay:
Listen to me, listen to me! You are f***ing with the wrong n*gger.

Mooj:
Hey, hey! You are f***ing with the wrong sand n*gger, okay?

Jay:
I will hang your old ass by your turban!

Mooj:
[Mooj has a very definite Indian accent] Oh, turban, now! Do you see any f***ing turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say, "Hey, Jay, you want a slurpee? You want a slurpee?" F*** you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a f***ing Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?

Jay:
All right, man. Calm down, dude! Look... you still covering my shift on Friday or what?

Mooj:
If I can keep this commission... with pleasure.

Jay:
Cool, man. All right, pops.

[They hug; Jay leaves]

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