The Ant Bully

Hova:
Cross my heart, I will not eat you.

Lucas Nickle:
Cross your heart, not your butt!

[from trailer]

Lucas Nickle:
He's come to wipe out the entire colony! We can work together to stop him.

Zoc:
[glares at crystal in hand] Curse you, rock; a curse upon your children!

Hova:
I don't think rocks have children.

Zoc:
[throws crystal to the ground] Well they won't *now*.

Lucas Nickle:
Ah, Kraznoks!

Soldier Ant #1:
[on guard duty outside, after a huge belch comes out the ant hole behind him] Praise the Mother!

Lucas Nickle:
[running] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Fugax:
Does anybody know what an "AHHHHHHHH!" is?

Fugax:
[Frog lands behind him and he turns around] I think I just figured it out

Lucas Nickle:
Hello! Earth to ant lady! You were right in the middle of sounding like my mom!

Kreela:
Peanut? The Destroyer? I had to move out of my nest because of you! I lost everything! Took me all morning to rebuild...

Hova:
[entering Lucas' house] Do all of your guests pass under this door?

Lucas Nickle:
Well, actually, you guys are the first friends I've had over.

Hova:
We are the first ones? Kreela! We're the first ones to pass under the door!

Kreela:
Great...

Fugax:
And to think, all of this is made from your own POOP! [sniffs] Nice...

Queen Ant:
[plans have been made for Lucas] It is done. Let us continue our work.

Lucas Nickle:
That's it? How long am I gonna be like this? I want to go home! Wait! It's inhuman!

Head of Council:
Yes. It is.

Head of Council:
War with the humans? That's impossible.

Zoc:
A wizard knows no such word.

Zoc:
Don't fire until you see the wax of his ears!

Drone Ant:
He's so soft. His skeleton is on the inside.

Ant #4:
So he's inside out?

Drone Ant, Ant #4:
Eww!

Doreen Nickle:
Where's your brother?

Tiffany Nickle:
Still locked in his room, hiding from society.

Zoc:
[after Lucas tells Zoc a plan to save the colony] I think I know why his name is 'Peanut', [raises his arms up] Because his brain is the size of a peanut!

Fly:
[inside the frog, responding to Glow Worm's negativity] Why can't you be more like, hey Lenny! [squeezes a smiling floating head] This is what I'm talkin' about! [pulls "Lenny" up, he is just a head] Lenny always has a smile on his face... [Lenny's eye droops, fly looks, then throws him] AHHHHHHH! Let me out! Let me out! I don't wanna be a toadstool!

Stan Beals:
[sarcastically] Oh geez, Oh ow; Boy, that hurts, please stop. Bye-Bye!

[repeated line]

Zoc:
Clacktiel!

Zoc:
You know what this is? This is the potion that will make you big again. I just wanted you to take a good, long look at it. Because this is the last time you will ever see it.

Lucas Nickle:
What do you mean?

Zoc:
I mean there is no way I'm ever going to make you big again. [chuckes] Ever. You are a threat to every ant in this colony. Especially to Hova.

Lucas Nickle:
But I would never do anything to hurt Hova. I just - I - I just wanna go home.

Zoc:
Well, then, if I were you, I'd try to find help somewhere else, because there is nothing for you here. Nothing.

Mommo:
[seeing Lucas through her binoculars] What are you doing out of bed, tiny Lucas?

[screams]

[the teaser trailer begins as the bell rings for the interview]

Interviewer:
Okay, auditioning for The Ant Bully, the role of terrified ant number 1,697.

[takes a cut, lying the quarter on the ground]

Female Ant:
Run! Run for your lives! Destroyer is coming! I am terrified! [wailing, throwing the paper]

Interviewer:
Thank you.

Male Ant 1:
It is destroya. Come with me if you want to leave.

Male Ant 2:
Inspecto Petronum!

Interviewer:
[chuckling] Wrong movie.

Beetle:
Run! Run, I say!

Interviewer:
Uh, pardon me.

Bettle:
Uh, what?

Interviewer:
You're not an ant, are you?

Bettle:
I can do ant.

Interviewer:
I'm sorry. We need a red ant.

Beetle:
I can do ant!

[cut to the beatboxer ants]

Beatboxer Ant 1:
You want me at number 1697! I'm gonna send this destroya straight to heaven!

Beatboxer Ant 2:
You better believe that! Eenie-weenie, weenie-uh.

Beetle:
Oh, no! The destroya was come to destroy me, because I'm ant, now!

Interviewer:
It is me. Did you just paint yourself red?

Beetle:
No! [the red paint falls on the quarter] Yes.

Interviewer:
Yeah, listen. The movie is called The Ant Bully.

Beetle:
What about the bully role? I can do real me. Watch this. Yo!

Interviewer:
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The bully role has been cast already.

Beetle:
Oh. To who?

[the interviewer clears throat, pointing the hand, then looking up at Lucas from toe to head]

Beetle:
Hey, you're just a little kid! Aren't you the cutest thing?

[he begins to step on the red Beetle on the quarter]

Beetle:
Oh my goodness.

[the title card appears]

Beetle:
I'm okay!

[he steps on the red bettle and the quarter]

Beetle:
Cut.

1st Ant:
Hey! Hey, what are you doing?

2nd Ant:
Yeah, this is sleeping chamber. Go to sleep.

1st Ant:
Don't make me come up there!

Zoc:
I'm so sorry. But I must have the final ingredient for my potion. Now what's more impotent? Me completing my life's work for the salvation of the colony- which includes you guys- or your sleep?

1st Ant:
Sleep I'm going with sleep.

2nd Ant:
Yeah, the second one.

Zoc:
Well then I will try to be very quiet.

[With his staff, Zoc explodes the rock that he's on which makes some debris fall onto the sleeping ants.]

1st Ant:
That's it. I'm coming up there. [A large rock suddenly lands on his head, making him unconscious]

Zoc:
[trying to get his potion to work] I Zoc, call upon the elements. The wind that blows, rain that falls, fire that burns. Deliver your awesome power and transform my potion. Clackteil. [bangs fire crystals together but nothing happens, except they just smoke]

Hova:
[clapping for Zoc] Yay. That was great, sweetie. I loved the smoke effect. [To Spindle] Didn't you Spindle

Zoc:
Craznocks!. [To fire crystal] Yooouuu... rock. Curse upon your children.

Hova:
I don't think rocks have children, honey.

Zoc:
[Throws fire crystal to the ground] They won't now.

Hova:
Okay, what's the matter?

Zoc:
Hova, the potion is supposed to change color. It's not changing color! IT’S NOT CHANGING COLOR! [Grabs two more fire crystals] I call upon the wind, rain et cetera, transform my potion and Clacktiel! [once again nothing happens, just smoke.] URRRRGH!!! [he angrily bangs them against each other a few more time] CLACKTIEL! CLACKTIEL! TICK-CLACKITY-CLACK!

Hova:
Oh, maybe you're pronouncing it wrong.

Zoc:
How could I pronounce it wrong? I made it up!

Hova:
Cross my heart. I will not eat you.

Lucas:
I said cross your heart, not your butt.

Hova:
I just did. See? Did it again. [to herself] Strange custom.

Kreela:
What are you doing? Why aren't you grabbing the red ones?

Fugax:
Well, it's actually quite simple sugar-lips. I hate the red ones.

Kreela:
Well I love the red ones.

Fugax:
Hate them.

Kreela:
I love them.

Fugax:
Hate them.

Kreela:
Love them.

Fugax:
Hate them.

Kreela:
Love them.

Fugax:
Believe me, you find me attractive.

Kreela:
What?!

Fugax:
Oh, how you tease me with that sweet talk. [barks at her slovenly]

Kreela:
Oh. You want some sweet talk? [grabs Fugax by the antennas] Cause I'll give you some sweet talk. Now grab a red one before I pull these off.

Fugax:
Whoa, I need those.

Zoc:
[stops Lucas from going in the ant hill] Hi there. How are you?

Lucas:
Okay.

Zoc:
Okay? That's good. It's good to be okay. Listen, I just want to show you something if that's okay with you. [brings a potion out and shows it to Lucas] You know what this is? This is the potion that will make you big again. I just wanted you to take a good long look at it, because this is the last time you will ever see it.

Lucas:
[stammers] Wha- What do you mean?

Zoc:
I mean, there is no way I'm ever making you big again. Ever. [serious] You are a threat to every ant in this colony. Especially to Hova.

Lucas:
But I would never do anything to hurt her. I just-I-I just want to go home.

Zoc:
Well, if I were you, I'd go find help someplace else, because there is nothing for you. [The crystal on Zoc's staff starts to glow] Nothing. [Lucas stumbles backwards while Zoc stares at him sternly].

Hova:
[sees Zoc coming in humming happily to himself but doesn't see Lucas] Where's Lucas?

Zoc:
Isn't he with you?

Hova:
[confused] No.

Zoc:
Lucas? Lucas? Huh, that's weird. Well, he's probably off destroying some other poor, unfortunate colony. You know how they are, destroyers.

Hova:
Zoc, what did you do?

Zoc:
Wha-what did I do?

Hova:
Where is he?

Zoc:
He's gone. [Hova runs out to look for him but Zoc stops her] He lead you into a trap, Hova.

Hova:
There was no trap. He lead us to food, he was trying to protect us from-from...

Zoc:
From what, Hova? What?

Hova:
From something.

Zoc:
[sarcastically] Oh, something. And I was worried it was from nothing. [angrily] He's blinded you, Hova.

Hova:
[angrily] No, you are the one that's blind. You are so consumed from your hatred for the humans, you only see what you want to see.

Zoc:
Oh, come on.

Hova:
[calmly] Zoc, I see a young pupa, a human learning our ways, becoming part of this colony, becoming an ant.

Zoc:
Impossible.

Hova:
Listen to yourself, Zoc! A wizard knows no such word! So what are you now? [on the verge of tears] Certainly not the ant I love. [walks away from Zoc]

Zoc:
Hova, I did it for you. For the colony.

Hova:
You did it for yourself.

Zoc:
Hova, I... [hesitates not knowing to say]

Fugax:
He won't make it through the night alone.

Kreela:
Fugax, your leg's still broken.

Fugax:
Yeah, well, I still got five good ones. Very good ones.

Kreela:
You know, I think he really was trying to protect us from something. See ya, Zoc. [leaves the room with a heartbroken Zoc]

Head of Council:
Human. You have been brought before the council to face judgment for crimes against the colony. Read the charges.

Council Guard:
"This human-destructor beast hereafter referred to as Peanut the Destroyer did willfully and with malice aforethought crush the food-storage chambers flood all of the lower hatching chambers and douse the colony with the dreaded yellow rain."

[The ants collectively grimace in disgust]

Lucas:
Hey, come on - I had to go!

Head of Council:
[Banging drum] Sentencing of the human will be handed down by the queen herself.

[The ants bow as the Queen Ant appears]

Queen Ant:
Greetings, my children... and to our unusual guest. A human that threatens the very existence of our colony.

Lucas:
Wait a second! Wait, wait, wait, time out. How was I supposed to know ants have feelings or families or trials? You're just a bunch of stupid ants!

Ant #1:
Destroy the destroyer!

Ant #2:
Throw him in the pit!

Little Ant:
Let's eat him!

Zoc:
No, wait. We are not mindless savages! This human should be studied. And then we'll eat him!

Ants:
[Chanting] Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!

Head of Council:
ORDER! ORDER! [Banging drum]

Queen Ant:
Be still, be still. Tonight, we have a choice. We could destroy this human and make safe this day. Or we could change the nature of his human and perhaps create a brighter future for all ants. I, therefore, send the human to live and work in the colony, to learn our ways. He must ... become an ant.

Lucas/Zoc:
What?!

Zoc:
No. No, my Queen! What if he does not become an ant? Okay? I mean, come on!

Queen Ant:
That would be ... regrettable.

Zoc:
But - But who will teach him our ways?

Hova:
[Stepping forwards] I will.

Zoc:
Hova?

Queen Ant:
It is done. Let us continue our work.

[She disappears as the court begins to disperse]

Lucas:
That's it? How long am I gonna be like this? I wanna go home! Wait! It's inhuman!

Head of Council:
[Turning back to Lucas] Yes. It is.