The Bachelor

Priest:
It's a wonderful thing, as time goes by, to be with someone who looks into your face, when you've gotten old, and still sees what you think you look like.

[after Carolyn explains to Jimmie the symbolism between flowers and vaginas]

Jimmie:
I'm not interested in your goddamn vagina, all right? I just want to marry you!

Preppy Bride:
Thank God I'm bisexual

Jimmie:
Just give me the damn symbolic vaginas.

Marco:
You are sick!

[while listening to love song from Titanic]

Natalie:
What kind of dumb b*tch lets Leonardo DiCaprio drown?

Anne:
Nat, mind your own business

Daphne:
[snarling at prisoner] I don't play "good cop, bad cop" - requires too much patience. I go straight to "bad cop, worse cop." Now behave!

Grandad Shannon:
As my last surviving descendant, you have a sacred duty to pass on my genetic material.

Jimmie:
That's a lovely sentiment.

[Jimmie hears that his "sh*t or get off the pot" marriage proposal has become an urban legend]

Customer:
My psychoanalyst couldn't stop talking about it. It's a bunch of crap if you ask me.

Marco:
[imitating Muhammad Ali while playing with a remote-controlled toy robot] C'mon, gorilla, we in Manila! C'mon, gorilla, this is the Thrilla!

[after Jimmie is rejected by his ex-girlfriend Stacey]

Jimmie:
She's engaged.

Marco:
Engaged, or married? Because if she's only engaged...

[Before Jimmie asks his ex-girlfriend Buckley to marry him]

Marco:
OK, crunch time. Seventh game of the World Series. Bottom of the ninth. Two outs. Full count. It's our last chance. There's no tomorrow. Got it?

Jimmie:
Four cliches ago.

Roy O'Dell:
Time for desperate measures. What about my daughter?

Jimmie:
Absolutely not!

Roy O'Dell:
Why not? She's not good enough for you?

Jimmie:
She's fifteen!

Roy O'Dell:
Well, it's pretty late in the game for you to be Mr. Choosy.

Grandad Shannon:
[into megaphone] THE HUMAN CONDITION!

Marco:
[to Jimmie] Your birthday is soon, right? Like next week?

Jimmie:
No, it's not next week.

Marco:
Thank God.

Jimmie:
It's tomorrow.

Jimmie:
[playing pool with Marco] Stripes wins, I propose.

Marco:
And solids?

Jimmie:
I don't know. Fake choking on a piece of steak.

Ilana:
[Upon seeing Jimmie after her performance] Up until now I thought you were dead! [Gives him a dirty look and leaves]