The Beverly Hillbillies

Elly May:
I reckon why they got two sets of steps.

Jethro:
That's easy! One's for going up, and the other's for going down!

Elly May:
Oh.

Aunt Pearl:
You folks oughta move yourselves to a place like... Beverly Hills, Californy.

Jethro:
They got swimming pools and movie stars!

[on the subject of California]

Elly May:
I hear they got smog.

Daisy Mae 'Granny' Moses:
What's a smog?

[pause]

Jethro:
I reckon it's a small hog.

Jed Clampett:
I reckon you done what you done because you didn't know we was who we was. And if we hadn't been who we was, we'd have still been much obliged for you to have done what you done.

Daisy Mae 'Granny' Moses:
Elly May! Don't spit from a moving vehicle. Wait till it's stopped.

Woodrow Tyler:
She's got crap on her boots!

Elly May:
I just wanna be who I am. And I ain't goin' to no France!

Elly May:
Look! They's a-playin' 'Kick the Can'!

[Trying to figure out the game of Bowling]

Jethro:
I think I got this game figured out. You throw the ball down this gully. Then you throw yourself down the other gully, and try to hit them snake-hittin' clubs before the ball does.

Milburne Drysdale:
I'm president of a bank.

Jethro:
Wow, can I be president of a bank too?

Jed Clampett:
Jethro that was a mighty disrespectful thing to say to Mr. Drysdale. Ask if you can be vice president.

[Jethro and Cousin Pearl are driving in the truck to Jed's place]

Cousin Pearl:
Jethro, did you take care of those old brakes like I told you to?

Jethro:
Yes, Ma, I pulled them off the truck yesterday. The new brakes should be coming in the mail next week.

[the Clampetts were flipped off by an irate motorist]

Jed Clampett:
Now why you suppose he's doing that?

Jethro:
I reckon that's how people wave hello in Beverly Hills.

Jane Hathaway:
I must say it's inspirational how you found a place for the Clampetts right nextdoor to your own.

Mr. Drysdale:
The people who lived there were my best friends and neighbors for over 20 years. I'm really going to miss them.

Jane Hathaway:
It's a shame they had to file for bankruptcy and had to sell the place.

Mr. Drysdale:
I know. I'd hate to think that my phone call to the IRS had anything to do with it.

[Talking about Laura "getting married" to Jed Clampett]

Woodrow Tyler:
You're not going to sleep with him, are you?

Laura Jackson:
That's not your problem.

Woodrow Tyler:
Good! Laura, I've got my hand on your butt. (Laura disconnects the line) Hold on! I've got someone on call waiting. (disconnects the line) Hello! Hello! (gets back on previous line) It was nobody! Anyways, I've got my hand on your butt and I'm squeezing.

Mr. Drysdale:
Tyler, get your hand off my butt.

Jethro:
[discussing his theory on bowling] I think I've finally figured this game out, Spanky. You take this here ball, put it in this here gully, and let it roll down yonder. Then you hurl yourself down this here slippery gully and see how many of them there snake bashing clubs you can knock down before the ball gets there.

Milburn Drysdale:
Son, I want you to close your eyes for a minute. Now, imagine I've taken away your allowance, your cellphone, your car and cut you out of my will. How do you see your future?

Morgan Drysdale:
Flipping frozen cow parts at Burger King?

Milburn Drysdale:
And people say you're stupid.

Jed Clampett:
[a motorists has pulled a pistol on the Clampetts] That's real cute, son. This here's what I carry [pulls out a huge shotgun] .

Laura Jackson:
What a stupid idiot.

Jed Clampett:
Did you say something, ma'am?

Laura Jackson:
What a stupendous intellect.

Jethro:
That's cause I "grad-ge-ated" the sixth grade, ma'am. Only took three years.

Clampett Relative:
[to another relative] I hope cousin Bill's not too busy to make it to the wedding.

[establishing shot of the White House]

President Clinton:
Hillary, where's that invitation?

Jethro:
[looking over buffet during Jed's birthday party] What is all this stuff?

Waiter:
Hors d'oeuvres, caviar, calamari.

Jethro:
What? Speak American!

[Jethro is about to drive past a tree with a branch]

Jethro:
Watch your head, Granny!

[Granny, who is tied up to her rocking chair got knocked off from Jethro's car by the tree branch they passed through]

Derek:
Is this some kind of joke?

[talking about all the people coming to watch him and Elly May wrestle]

Elly May:
Well, come on, baby. Let's wrestle.

[grins at Derek]

Elly May:
Well, come on, baby... let's wrestle. [to Derek]

Elly May:
This here's what I call the Clampett Clamp.

[During the match,to Derek while she choking him with a headlock]

Derek:
[Grunts] That's not legal.

Elly May:
[Confused look] Really? Well, try this one.

[Pushes Derek to the mat face flat]

Dolly Parton:
Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Jed Clampett, they spent a fortune on me for you!

Laura Jackson:
[in mock French accent] Some women will search for many years before they find 'a-PEE-ness.

Jed Clampett:
[startled] *what?*

Laura Jackson:
'a-PEE-ness.

Jed Clampett:
Oh... happiness!

Milburn Drysdale:
Where is your mother?

Morgan Drysdale:
She's changing.

Milburn Drysdale:
That would be too much to hope for.

[repeated line]

Milburn Drysdale:
I'm ruined!

Jed Clampett:
Elly, Nature made you a girl, and here lately she's been gettin' more and more positive about it.

Reverend Mason:
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in case of an emergency, your seat can be used as a flotation device...

Woodrow Tyler:
[Thinks he's still having phone sex with his girlfriend, Laura] I've got my hand on your butt, and I'm squeezing...

Milburne Drysdale:
TYLER! Get your hand off my butt!