The Big Bang Theory

[repeated line when Sheldon knocks on Penny's door]

Sheldon:
[Knock-knock-knock] Penny!

[Knock-knock-knock]

Sheldon:
Penny!

[Knock-knock-knock]

Sheldon:
Penny!

[repeated line when Sheldon tells a sarcastic joke]

Sheldon:
Bazinga!

[repeated line when someone accuses Sheldon of being crazy]

Sheldon:
I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested!

Sheldon:
You're not done with her, are you?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Our babies are gonna be smart and beautiful.

Sheldon:
Not to mention imaginary.

Penny:
Look, Sheldon's hugging me!

Leonard Hofstadter:
It's a Saturnalia miracle!

[repeated line]

Penny:
Holy crap on a cracker.

Leonard Hofstadter:
[after a motorcycle accident, which no one asks him about] My leg is killing me, thanks for asking.

Penny:
So, what do you say Sheldon, are we your X-Men?

Sheldon:
No. The X-Men were named after the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.

Howard Wolowitz:
[as Sheldon walks away] Oh, that's not a good name.

Sheldon:
But then some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler that doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve?

Leonard:
I'm sure she'll still love him.

Sheldon:
I wouldn't.

Leonard:
So, tell us about you.

Penny:
Um, me? Okay - I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.

Sheldon:
Yes - it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.

Penny:
[stares at Sheldon in utter confusion] Participateinthewhat?

Leonard:
[scrambling to save face] I think what Sheldon is trying to say is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.

Penny:
Oh, yeah - lot of people think I'm a water sign.

Penny:
[to Raj] I'm sorry, do you speak English?

Wolowitz:
Oh, he speaks English, he just can't speak to women.

Penny:
Really? Why?

Wolowitz:
He's kind of a nerd. Juice box?

Wolowitz:
Enchant?, mademoiselle. Howard Wolowitz, Caltech department of applied physics, you may be familiar with some of my work, it's currently orbiting Jupiter's largest moon taking high resolution digital photographs...?

Penny:
Penny... I work at the Cheesecake Factory!

Wolowitz:
Bonne Douche!

Penny:
I'm sorry?

Wolowitz:
It's French for "Good shower". It's a sentiment I can express in six languages.

Leonard:
Save it for your blog, Howard.

Penny:
Four years I lived with him! Four years, I mean that's like as long as high school!

Sheldon:
It took you FOUR YEARS to get through high school?

Sheldon:
If by "Holy Smokes", you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you could find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure.

Leonard:
Should we have invited her for lunch?

Sheldon:
No, we're gonna start season two of Battlestar Galactica.

Leonard:
We already watched the season two DVDs.

Sheldon:
Not with commentary.

Sheldon:
Leonard has a lady over.

Wolowitz:
Yeah, right, your grandmother's back in town?

Leonard:
Come on! We have a combined IQ of 360 we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.

[two girls selling cookies ring every bell, the door opens]

Sheldon:
What do you think their combined IQ is?

Leonard:
[discussing Sheldon's work] At least I didn't have to invent 26 dimensions just to make the math come out.

Sheldon:
I didn't invent them. They're there.

Leonard:
In what universe?

Sheldon:
In *all* of them, that is the point!

Sheldon:
Do you want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?

Leonard:
Not really.

Sheldon:
[going on anyway] If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip.

Leonard:
I don't care. [thinks about it] Two milli - that doesn't seem right.

Sheldon:
It's true - I did a series of experiments when I was twelve. My father broke his clavicle.

Leonard:
Is that why they sent you to boarding school?

Sheldon:
No - that was the result of my work with lasers.

Penny:
So, what do you guys do for fun around here?

Sheldon:
Well, today we tried masturbating for money.

Sheldon:
You're not done with her, are you?

Leonard:
Our babies will be smart *AND* beautiful.

Sheldon:
Not to mention imaginary.

Leonard:
Oh, I love cheesecake.

Sheldon:
You're lactose intolerant.

Leonard:
I don't eat it, I just think it's a good idea.

Sheldon:
I don't know your odds in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you're a veritable mac daddy.

Wolowitz:
It's a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974.

Leonard:
This isn't a good time.

Wolowitz:
[talking like a computer] "It's befooore he becaame a creeepy computer voooice!"

Penny:
I'm a vegetarian. Except for fish. And the occasional steak, I love steak!

Sheldon:
Uhm, Penny, that's where I sit.

Penny:
So sit next to me.

Sheldon:
No, I sit there.

Penny:
What's the difference?

Sheldon:
What's the difference?

Leonard:
Here we go.

Sheldon:
In the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on.

Leonard:
We need to widen our circle.

Sheldon:
I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on MySpace.

Leonard:
Yes, and you've never met one of them.

Sheldon:
That's the beauty of it.

[first lines]

Sheldon:
So, if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed, it will not go through both slits. If it's unobserved, it will. However, if it's observed after it's left the plane, but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.

Leonard:
Agreed. What's your point?

Sheldon:
It's no point. I just think it's a good idea for a t-shirt.

Leonard:
We brought home Indian food, and I know that moving can be stressful and I find that when I'm undergoing stress, good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also curry is a natural laxative, and I don't have to tell you that a clean colon is one less thing to worry about.

Sheldon:
Leonard, I'm no expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.

Sheldon:
I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.

Leonard:
Must we?

Sheldon:
Event A: A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B: We drive halfway across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend. Query: On what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?

Leonard:
She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.

Sheldon:
Ah, yes. Well, that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher-level distal cause.

Leonard:
Which is?

Sheldon:
You think with your penis.

Penny:
Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm such a mess. And on top of everything else, I'm all gross from moving. And my stupid shower doesn't even work.

Leonard:
Our shower works.

Penny:
Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?

Sheldon:
Yes.

Leonard:
No.

Sheldon:
No?

Leonard:
No.

Sheldon:
No.

[first lines]

Sheldon Cooper:
What a wonderful day; thank you.

Penny Hofstadter:
Oh, we're glad you had fun

Sheldon Cooper:
Blue Icees and a trip to the container store? It's like I died and went to the post-mortem neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I still don't understand why you bought that pill caddy; you're a young man.

Sheldon Cooper:
Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here,

[points to his head]

Sheldon Cooper:
I'm 90.

Stuart Bloom:
Do you guys know any musicians?

Howard Wolowitz:
Why?

Stuart Bloom:
I was thinking it might be cool to have live music here a few nights a week, you know. Give this place more of a "staying in business" vibe.

Howard Wolowitz:
What kind of music are you thinking of?

Stuart Bloom:
I like all kinds of music. But my favorite genre is "free".

Raj Koothrappali:
We could play filk music.

Stuart Bloom:
W-What's that?

Raj Koothrappali:
It's been around for years. It's like folk music, but with a sci-fi/fantasy theme.

Stuart Bloom:
I like it. Sounds exactly like something I shouldn't be expected to pay for.

Raj Koothrappali:
[singing] Oh Indy, Oh Indy! The skies are so windy. Is that a flying man with a killer board? Wait! That's no man, it's a Norse god.

Howard Wolowitz:
Oh yes! Definately! Hang on... [singing] Thunder clapped as Thor raised his mighty hammer. Indy rapped "that's one bad mama-jamma".

Raj Koothrappali, Howard Wolowitz:
[singing] Thor and Dr. Jones, Thor and Dr. Jones. One plays with lightning, the other plays with bones.

Raj Koothrappali:
Remember the Ark of the Covenant?

Howard Wolowitz:
Yeah.

Raj Koothrappali:
That's how much we're gonna melt people's faces off.

Sheldon Cooper:
I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
I don't think that was the point of the movie.

Sheldon Cooper:
Fine! I was like Pinocchio who that jerk Geppetto went and made him a real boy.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
There you go.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Hey, if you're open to living with someone great, I'll give you $1,000 to take Stuart.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
You really should have gone on the internet and checked how long that kind of thing lives before you got one.

Raj Koothrappali:
[singing] Thor and Dr. Jones, Thor and Dr. Jones. One runs from Loki, the other runs from stones.

[last lines]

Howard Wolowitz:
[singing] Indy's whip snapped. Thor's hammer missed.

Raj Koothrappali:
[singing] It was Avenger vs archeologist.

Howard Wolowitz:
[singing] Indy held his ground and straightened his fedora.

Raj Koothrappali:
[singing] Thor said that's a nice look, in 1944-a. [rhyme with fedora]

Howard Wolowitz, Raj Koothrappali:
[singing] Thor and Dr. Jones, Thor and Dr. Jones. One plays with lightning, the other plays with bones. Thor and Dr. Jones, Thor and Dr. Jones. One plays with lightning, the other plays with bones.

Stuart Bloom:
Play something we can dance to.

Evil Wil Wheaton:
Hey, look who's here! Hey, buddies!

Sheldon Cooper:
Well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton, the Jar-Jar Binks of the "Star Trek" universe.

Evil Wil Wheaton:
[imitating Jar-Jar Binks] Mee-sa think that very funny!

[Sheldon is upset that Wil Wheaton has been invited to circumvent the line into a showing of the remastered "Raiders of the Lost Ark"]

Sheldon Cooper:
This is "Indiana Jones", not "Star Trek". There should be no value to his pseudo-celebrity here. [shouting at a departing Wil Wheaton] And even at Star Trek conventions, they only let him in if he helps set up!

Bernadette:
You know what I really love about Howard? His chest hair.

Penny:
Howard has a hairy chest?

Bernadette:
No, just the one, but it's really long.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
[to Bernadette] What is the circumference of your areolas?

Sheldon Cooper:
Trouble is my middle name, Leonard. Actually, it's Lee, but I prefer Trouble.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
The internet suggests that slumber party guests often engage in harmless experimentation with lesbianism.

Bernadette:
Where exactly on the internet have you been looking?

Penny:
How does an archeology professor get that good with a whip?

Howard Wolowitz:
Maybe he took a class at the adult bookstore. That's how I learned.

Penny:
You know, I could totally rock a hat like that.

Sheldon Cooper:
That's the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video, which I've never watched in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it's really scary.

Penny:
I think I'll pass, but you guys enjoy your extra 21 seconds.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I bet if I could make you understand why this is such a cool thing, we'd still be together.

Penny:
Hmm... yeah, no we wouldn't.

[Raj whispers something to Howard]

Howard Wolowitz:
Uh-huh. I'm guessing 21 seconds had something to do with that, too.

Howard Wolowitz:
Are you sure you don't want to come with us to "Raiders"?

Bernadette:
Oh, no. That movie has melting faces. It reminds me too much of the time I dropped that vial of flesh-eating bacteria into the Rhesus monkey lab.

Penny:
You know, Amy, when we say girl talk, it doesn't just have to be about our lady parts.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Shame. Because I have a real zinger about my tilted uterus.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Oh good, a slumber party! We'll do makeovers, initiate phony phone calls, and have spirited pillow fights in our frilly nighties!

Sheldon Cooper:
No cuts, no butts, no coconuts.

Sheldon Cooper:
This is nothing but a blatant abuse of power by a petty functionary. Explain to me why Wil Wheaton and his lackeys get in and we don't!

Joey:
Because I'm the petty functionary with a clipboard, b*tch.

Penny:
Hey. Shouldn't you be out with your gang spray painting equations on the side of buildings?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Come on, I'm sorry.

Penny:
I just can't believe you don't trust me.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I feel... Of course I do.

Penny:
Then why did you embarrass me in front of my friend who, by the way, knew exactly who you were.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Really?

Penny:
Your picture's on my refrigerator!

Leonard Hofstadter:
Oh. You know, I'm really starting to not like this guy.

Penny:
What is your problem? Do you use up all your thinking at work and then have none left over for when you get home?

Leonard Hofstadter:
I don't know. It's hard sometimes. Everywhere you go guys hit on you, even if I'm standing right there. And they are all taller than me. WHY IS EVERYONE ALWAYS TALLER THAN ME? You know what. This is all in my head. It's my problem, not yours.

Penny:
Leonard. Why do you always do this? Listen to me. You are the one I'm with. You know I love you. So would you please relax because you are driving me crazy!

Leonard Hofstadter:
You know that's the first time you said that you love me.

Penny:
[stunned] Yea.

Leonard Hofstadter:
We're supposed to pretend it's not a big deal?

Penny:
That's... exactly what we're going to do because you're about to make me cry and we both know that if I start crying, you're going to start crying.

Leonard Hofstadter:
You're right we should...

Penny:
Fine! [Runs down stairs]

Leonard Hofstadter:
[Enters apartment] She loves me.

Alex Jensen:
Oh hi, Dr. Hofstader.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Oh, hey, Alex. And call me, Leonard. Dr. Hofstadter is my father. And my mother. And my sister. And our cat. Although I'm pretty sure that Dr. "Boots" Hofstader's degree is honorary.

Alex Jensen:
May I join you, Leonard?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Sure. Um, let me ask you something. My girlfriend knows this guy at school. He's got an English accent.

Alex Jensen:
Oo, I love English accents.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Yea, you all do. Anyway, I feel like he's hitting on her. She says he's just being nice and I should trust her.

Alex Jensen:
It's probably harmless. You now how it is. I'm sure you get hit on all the time.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Right. Because girls are always like: Ooo, that guy owns two Star Trek uniforms and gets lots of ear infections. I gotta to get me some of that.

Alex Jensen:
You know, I bet it happens more than you realize.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Trust me. It doesn't.

Alex Jensen:
You sure? You're cute. You're funny. Maybe you're getting hit on and you don't even know it.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Really?

Alex Jensen:
Yep, pretty sure.

Leonard Hofstadter:
[laughs] I have to get back to work. Thanks for listening.

Alex Jensen:
No problem.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Hope no girls rip my clothes off along the way.

Alex Jensen:
All I know is corduroy makes too much noise and I have to go find quieter pants.

[Howard and Raj watch the video of Sheldon in the room]

Sheldon Cooper:
This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Experimental log. Wormhole generator test forty-four.

Howard Wolowitz:
Wormhole generator test? [Wormhole appears]

Sheldon Cooper:
The first forty-three parallel universes I've checked proved to be empty. I see no reason to suspect universe number forty-four will be any different.

[Puts his head in the wormhole; when he takes it out he has an alien creature attached to his face]

Howard Wolowitz:
Oh, my God!

Raj Koothrappali:
Holy crap!

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh! It's eating my face!

Raj Koothrappali:
It's eating his face!

[Sheldon sneaks in from behind them and throw the fake alien creature onto their laptop; Howard and Raj freak out]

Leonard Hofstadter:
It's not to go to the bathroom. He goes at 8:00 AM, with follow-ups at 1:45 and 7:10 on high-fiber Fridays.

Howard Wolowitz:
It's sad that you know that.

Leonard Hofstadter:
That's just the tip of the sadness iceberg.

Howard Wolowitz:
I wonder what Sheldon's hiding in there?

Raj Koothrappali:
He's always been kind of a weirdo. Maybe he's got Leonard Nimoy chained up in there. Or Bill Gates or Stephen Hawking.

Howard Wolowitz:
Why would he chain up Stephen Hawking?

Raj Koothrappali:
Howard, shame on you! You can't treat him differently just because he's disabled, that's not okay!

Howard Wolowitz:
We're going to the genetics lab to pet the glow-in-the-dark bunny. Want to come?

Sheldon Cooper:
No, thanks.

Raj Koothrappali:
When they turn off the lights, it's like a little laser show that poops all over the place.

Raj Koothrappali:
That's a good camera.

Howard Wolowitz:
Should be. It's from the Mars Rover.

Raj Koothrappali:
How did you get it?

Howard Wolowitz:
5 million dollar equipment, ten dollar lock.

Sheldon Cooper:
You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating through certain aspects of daily life: understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I'd want to. It's exhausting! Which is why, for 20 minutes a day, I like to go down to that room, turn my mind off and do what I need to do to recharge.

Howard Wolowitz:
But what do you do in there?

Raj Koothrappali:
What does 43 mean?

Sheldon Cooper:
You don't need to know. You don't deserve to know. And you will never know.

[Leaves]

Raj Koothrappali:
Yeah? Well, I know how to make your egg salad now!

Raj Koothrappali:
In "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", isn't 43 the answer to life, the universe and everything?

Howard Wolowitz:
That's 42, dumbass.

Raj Koothrappali:
Hey! Feelings.

[Opening lines]

Raj Koothrappali:
What are you drawing over there?

Sheldon Cooper:
A containment unit for a frisbee-sized wormhole that could serve as a portal to a parallel universe.

Howard Wolowitz:
Oh, you silly doodlebug.

Leonard Hofstadter:
You know, scientists believe that contact with other lifeforms would not be good for us.

Sheldon Cooper:
It's a frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard. I can just cover it with a frisbee. Here.

[Hands napkin to Howard]

Howard Wolowitz:
You expect me to build this?

Sheldon Cooper:
No, I expect you to wipe the pudding off your chin. Gentlemen?

Raj Koothrappali:
This is so exciting! Like one of my classic murder mystery parties.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Like the case of who murdered three Saturday nights from my life.

Howard Wolowitz:
Colonel Koothrappali in the kitchen with the olive spread.

Raj Koothrappali:
It was tapanade, and you guys suck.

Raj Koothrappali:
[about Alex] Boy, what I wouldn't give to take her out of those pants. And into something a little more stylish.

Howard Wolowitz:
What could 43 be, besides my mother's neck size?

Raj Koothrappali:
It's the atomic number for technetium.

Howard Wolowitz:
That stuff's radioactive.

Raj Koothrappali:
You think he's building a bomb?

Howard Wolowitz:
Nah, it took him two years to put together that Lego Death Star, I'm not worried.

Raj Koothrappali:
This is fun. Sneaking around in the middle of the night. It's like we're a couple of cat burglars.

Howard Wolowitz:
We're not cat burglars. We're more like ninjas.

Raj Koothrappali:
I don't want to be a ninja. I want to be a cat burglar.

Howard Wolowitz:
Fine. I'll be a ninja, and you be a cat burglar.

Raj Koothrappali:
No, we both have to be the same thing!

Howard Wolowitz:
Fine! We're both ninjas.

Raj Koothrappali:
Okay. But next time we'll be cat burglars.

Howard Wolowitz:
[Unlocking door] There. Let's go.

Raj Koothrappali:
Wait. Sheldon's a smart guy. He probably has the place booby trapped.

Howard Wolowitz:
You're right.

Raj Koothrappali:
We need a way to find out first.

Howard Wolowitz:
Don't worry, I have a way.

Raj Koothrappali:
Really? What's the pla... [Howard pushes Raj through the door]

Howard Wolowitz:
You okay?

Raj Koothrappali:
Yeah.

Howard Wolowitz:
Wha the hell is 43?

Raj Koothrappali:
It's a prime number. Encryption systems are based on prime numbers.

Howard Wolowitz:
What kind of secrets would Sheldon need encrypting?

Raj Koothrappali:
Maybe it's the secret to what makes his egg salad so delicious.

Howard Wolowitz:
It's paprika.

Raj Koothrappali:
Really? Well, one mystery solved.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I'll be right back.

Sheldon Cooper:
You're still here? I thought you were long gone.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
If I could speak the language of rabbits, they would be amazed and I would be their king.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I hate my name. It has "nerd" in it. Len-nerd.

Howard Wolowitz:
I lost my virginity to my cousin Jeannie.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
I would be kind to my rabbit subjects... at first.

Leonard Hofstadter:
You know what's a cool name? Angelo. That has "angel" and "jello" in it.

Howard Wolowitz:
It was my uncle Murray's funeral. We were all back at my aunt Barbara's house. Our eyes locked over the pickled herring. We never meant for it to happen!

Rajesh Koothrappali:
One day, I hold a great ball for the President of France, but the rabbits they hate me and don't come. I'm embarrassed so I eat all the lettuce in the world and make them watch.

Leonard Hofstadter:
People could call me Angie. Yo, Angie! How's it goin'?

Howard Wolowitz:
To this day, I can't look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed. [sighs] Cousin Jeannie.

Howard Wolowitz:
Too bad Sheldon couldn't come with us.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
Yeah, it's just not the same without him.

[Leonard, Rajesh and Howard break up laughing]

Leonard Hofstadter:
I can feel it. I can feel the Earth moving! It's moving too fast! Raj! Slow it down!

[Raj strains]

Rajesh Koothrappali:
Okay, how's that?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Better. Thanks.

[Sheldon is helping Penny get dressed without looking]

Penny:
Now, you gotta help me get my arm into the sleeve.

Sheldon Cooper:
Okay.

Penny:
Is that my arm?

Sheldon Cooper:
It doesn't feel like an arm.

Penny:
Then maybe you should let it go.

Sheldon Cooper:
[pause] All righty.

Penny:
Sheldon, look, I am scared and in a lot of pain. Could you please take a break from being you for just a minute and try being... I don't know... comforting?

Sheldon Cooper:
We have to fill these out. "Describe illness or injury."

Penny:
I dislocated my shoulder.

Sheldon Cooper:
All right. And how did the accident occur?

Penny:
You already know that.

Sheldon Cooper:
Cause of accident: Lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?

Penny:
No.

Sheldon Cooper:
Kidney disease?

Penny:
No.

Sheldon Cooper:
Migraines?

Penny:
Getting one.

Sheldon Cooper:
Are you currently pregnant?

Penny:
No!

Sheldon Cooper:
Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.

Penny:
Change migraine to "yes."

Sheldon Cooper:
When was your last menstrual period?

Penny:
[in a disgusted tone] Oh, next question.

Sheldon Cooper:
I'll put "in progress." Okay, turning to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioral diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety etc.

Penny:
Oh my God! What the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?

Sheldon Cooper:
Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.

Penny:
Ass!

Sheldon Cooper:
Possible Tourette's. All right, "moles, lesions, or other skin conditions." Soup tattoo on right buttock.

Sheldon Cooper:
[over the phone] And good evening to you, Siam Palace. This is Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I'm going to be dining alone this evening, so I'll be reducing my usual order. I'd like to start with one quarter of the assorted appetizers plate, and one half of the Golden Treasure for two...

Sheldon Cooper:
[pauses and listens for a second] Oh for heaven's sake. In the mid 18th century, King Rama the Fourth of Siam divided a huge empire amongst the colonial powers of Europe in order to preserve his throne. Surely you, his cultural descendant, can handle Pad Thai and dumplings!

[first lines]

Howard Wolowitz:
How much time do we have?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Uh, T minus five hours thirty-seven minutes to onset of meteor shower.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
Okay, our position is thirty-four point forty-eight degrees north, a hundred and eighteen point thirty-one west; that means the azimuth should be a hundred and sixty-eight point twenty-two degrees relative to magnetic north with an elevation of forty-nine point nighty-three.

Howard Wolowitz:
Anything yet?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Uh, we have a signal but there's no frame lock.

Howard Wolowitz:
Hang on. How 'bout... now?

Rajesh Koothrappali:
We did it. We have the west coast feed of HBO.

Howard Wolowitz:
Mmm, Real Sex.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
Big deal. Every time I watch that show it's old women putting condoms on cucumbers.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I wish Penny didn't have to work; she loves camping.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
Yeah, that would've been great: you and Penny having sex in the tent while I sit out here and watch Howard hump a cactus.

Sheldon Cooper:
Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger-side mirror?

Penny:
It's right there.

Sheldon Cooper:
Where is the passenger-side mirror?

Penny:
In a parking lot in Hollywood.

Sheldon Cooper:
While we have a moment, may I ask you a question?

Penny:
What?

Sheldon Cooper:
Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock?

Penny:
It's not 'soup', it's 'courage'.

Sheldon Cooper:
No it isn't. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.

Penny:
How'd you see it? You said you wouldn't look.

Sheldon Cooper:
Sorry. As I told you, the hero always peeks.

[last lines]

Rajesh Koothrappali:
And the next morning, when he woke up, he rolled over and realized... don, don, don... she was his cousin. [Leonard and Raj laugh hysterically]

Howard Wolowitz:
That's still not funny.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
[mimicking Howard] That's still not funny. [they laugh even harder]

Howard Wolowitz:
And she was my *second* cousin.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
And she was my *second* cousin. [more laughing]

Howard Wolowitz:
You're a real douche.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
Who cares! You slept with your *cousin*! [Leonard and Raj laugh hysterically again]

Penny:
Sing Soft Kitty to me.

Sheldon Cooper:
Soft Kitty is for when you're sick. You're not sick.

Penny:
Injured and drugged is a kind of sick.

Leonard Hofstadter:
No offense, but shower sex with you is now the second best thing that's happened today.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Fair warning: we can get crazy.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Yeah. Last week, we smoked cigars and pretended to be dragons.

Sheldon Cooper:
Really, Amy? Tobacco and alcohol? Need I remind you not a lot of scientific discoveries were made by people having a good time?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
[to Penny] Why did you bring him? He's harshing my buzz.

Sheldon Cooper:
In the South, preadolescent children are forced through a process called cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in 18th century Vienna.

[first lines]

Sheldon Cooper:
Leonard, are you in the shower?

Leonard Hofstadter:
I can't hear you! I'm in the shower!

Sheldon Cooper:
I asked if you were in the shower, but that's moot now!

Leonard Hofstadter:
What?

Sheldon Cooper:
Moot! Rendered unimportant by recent events!

Leonard Hofstadter:
I can't hear you! I'm in the shower!

Sheldon Cooper:
I have to skip the chit-chat. Emergency.

Leonard Hofstadter:
What kind of emergency?

Sheldon Cooper:
Mathematical. 32 ounce banana smoothie, 16 ounce bladder.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Top of her class, Cambridge University. Licensed to practice law in three countries and your face.

Sheldon Cooper:
This is Greek food? Leonard, you hate Greek food.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Not as much as you.

Sheldon Cooper:
fine. I'm nothing if not adaptable.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I got you the lamb kabob.

Sheldon Cooper:
Thank you. [Sheldon takes a bite and begins to chew vigorously]

Sheldon Cooper:
If you think about it, Greek food isn't that far from Italian food. They share a spice palette.

[Chews]

Sheldon Cooper:
And what a civilization is the Greeks'.

[Chews some more]

Sheldon Cooper:
They gave us science, democracy... and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat.

[Spits out kabob]

Sheldon Cooper:
The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb. Congratulations, pizza night will now be at your apartment. Order one.

Penny:
I'm sorry, honey, I'm meeting Amy and Bernadette for dinner. You're welcome to tag along.

Sheldon Cooper:
A girl's night? Oh, I don't know if I'm up for an evening talking about rainbows, unicorns, and menstrual cramps.

Penny:
Okay, suit yourself. We'll probably be trashing Priya a little.

Sheldon Cooper:
Shotgun!

Amy Farrah Fowler:
You smell like baby powder.

Sheldon Cooper:
It's talc. But as that's the primary ingredient in baby powder, I understand your confusion.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Oh, I'm not confused at all. You're like a sexy toddler.

Sheldon Cooper:
I don't know how to process that.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
I totally want to see Sheldon dance. I bet he looks like a spider on a hot plate.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
How come, if we're the smart people, we don't do this every night?

Sheldon Cooper:
What's 16 times 14?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
My burps taste like cranberry juice.

Sheldon Cooper:
And there's your answer.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Would you like to come in for a nightcap?

Sheldon Cooper:
If you're referring to the beverage, you know I don't drink. If you're referring to the hat you don while wearing a night shirt and holding a candle, I have one.

Sheldon Cooper:
You may have gone to Cambridge, but I am an honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
I kissed a girl and I liked it.

Sheldon Cooper:
Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield"?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterprise and kill them both unless he gave in?

Sheldon Cooper:
Affirmative. Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.

Sheldon Cooper:
It's hard to say no to Yoo-Hoo. The name literally beckons.

Sheldon Cooper:
Good morning, Amy.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
It most assuredly is not.

Sheldon Cooper:
Are you experiencing dehydration, headache, nausea, and shame?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Yes. I also found a Korean man's business card tucked into my cleavage. What happened last night?

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, memory impairment. The free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Sheldon.

Sheldon Cooper:
All right. Last night, you gave me some excellent advice regarding my problem here at home. You kissed me, and then vomited on and off for 40 minutes, following which you passed out on your bathroom floor. I then folded a towel under your head as a pillow, set your oven clock to the correct time because it was driving me crazy, and I left.

Leonard Hofstadter:
[as Sheldon counts down the "self destruct sequence"] It's blackmail!

Priya Koothrappali:
We give up.

Leonard Hofstadter:
This is ridiculous.

[unplugs the laptop]

Sheldon Cooper:
It's a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him?

[last lines]

Amy Farrah Fowler:
[yells at her screeching monkey] They were out of menthol; get off my back! [to Sheldon] It's not easy living with a temperamental little primate.

Leonard Hofstadter:
[off-screen] C'mon, Priya, just admit I embarrass you!

Sheldon Cooper:
You're preaching to the choir, sister.

Sheldon Cooper:
What is the best number? By the way, there's only one correct answer.

Raj Koothrappali:
Five million, three hundred eighteen thousand and eight?

Sheldon Cooper:
Wrong. The best number is 73. You're probably wondering why.

Howard Wolowitz:
No.

Raj Koothrappali:
We're good.

Sheldon Cooper:
73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying - hang on to your hats - seven and three. Heh? Heh? Did I lie?

Leonard Hofstadter:
We get it. 73 is the Chuck Norris of numbers.

Sheldon Cooper:
Chuck Norris wishes. In binary, 73 is a palindrome: 1001001, which backwards is 1001001. Exactly the same. All Chuck Norris backwards gets you is "sirron kcuhc."

Raj Koothrappali:
Just for the record, when you enter 5,318,008 in a calculator, upside down, it spells "boobies."

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Did you know that the iconic Valentine's heart shape is not actually based on the shape of a human heart, but rather on the shape of the buttocks of a female bending over?

Penny:
So I spent seventh grade dotting my I's with little asses?

[Amy nods]

Penny:
Cool.

Sheldon Cooper:
Aren't you slicing that man's brain a little too thin?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
It's too thin if I were making a foot-long brain sandwich at Quizno's. For examination under a two photon microscope, it's fine.

Sheldon Cooper:
Well, you're the expert. If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Very well. If you die and donate your body to science, I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon.

Sheldon Cooper:
What were the symptoms?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth, and localized vascular throbbing.

Sheldon Cooper:
Localized to what region?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Ears and genitalia.

Sheldon Cooper:
Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up.

Sheldon Cooper:
Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order of likelihood: hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, hosting an alien parasite, or, and I only include it for the sake of covering absolutely all bases... sexual arousal.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Where would I have picked up an alien parasite?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Sheldon, I am not going through menopause!

Sheldon Cooper:
Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.

Penny:
Are you saying that Amy is... oh, what's the scientific word...

Sheldon Cooper:
Forget science. She's horny.

Penny:
I'm suggesting there might be something you could do about Amy's... urges.

Sheldon Cooper:
It's illegal to spay a human being.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Zack, I am Amy Farrah Fowler. We met the other night. I have spent my life in pursuit of pure knowledge. Until I met you, my decisions were founded in logic and reason. And yet here I stand before you, 130 pounds of raging estrogen, longing to grab hold of your gluteus maximus, and make Shakespeare's metaphorical beast with two backs.

Zack:
My gluteus what?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
On the other hand, as I look at the blank, ape-like expression on your face, I have decided to adopt the Vulcan practice of Kolinahr. Goodbye, Zack.

Zack:
Bye.

[They shake hands]

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Hoo-ooh!

[Amy turns and limps away]

Amy Farrah Fowler:
That should hold me for awhile.

[last lines]

Raj Koothrappali:
You realize you can't win.

Howard Wolowitz:
I prefer to think that I can't lose.

Raj Koothrappali:
You're wrong. It's only a matter of time before you fall into Rat Man's Rat Trap.

Howard Wolowitz:
You pathetic fool, if there were a rat catcher wouldn't it catch Rat Man?

Raj Koothrappali:
Just because I didn't express myself well doesn't mean my underlying point wasn't valid, you bloviating buffoon.

Howard Wolowitz:
You narcissistic nincompoop.

Raj Koothrappali:
You crimson coward. Oh, Leonard, wake up; you're missing some very excellent superhero quips.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
How do you know him?

Penny:
Oh, we went out a couple times.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
I'm often flummoxed by current slang. Does 'went out' mean 'had intercourse'?

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Yes,

Penny:
No, no. But in this case yes.

Penny:
[about Zack] He just didn't really challenge me on an intellectual level.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Couldn't you just fool around with him and then listen to NPR?

Penny:
Wouldn't help. Zsck can't even spell NPR.

Penny:
So, whichever rep has the best sales for the quarter gets a trip for two to Hawaii.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
That would be so romantic for you and Leonard.

Penny:
Yeah, clearly you haven't seen him on the beach, walking around with his metal detector.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
If I were going to Hawaii, I'd spend all my time at the Keck Observatory. Did you know that the telescopes there have better resolution than the Hubble?

Penny:
Really?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
[Amy nods]

Penny:
[to Bernadette] Wanna go to Hawaii?

Sheldon Cooper:
Before you leave, can you help me test these noise cancelling headphones?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Sure. [Sheldon puts on headphones] Sheldon, can you hear me? [Sheldon doesn't react] Sheldon, I haven't changed the filter on the water pitcher in two years.

Penny:
Bernadette's nickname for you is the Virgin Pina Colada.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Your George Lucas authograph is really a me authograph.

Penny:
One day I was too lazy to go back to my apartment so I used your toothbrush.

Leonard Hofstadter:
One time when you weren't home Amy took off her... [Sheldon takes off headphones] And that's why you're the best roommate ever.

Sheldon Cooper:
Aw. Now I feel sorry I didn't hear that.

Sheldon Cooper:
You sounded like you were in distress. Like you were being murdered, or having spontaneous coitus with Leonard.

Sheldon Cooper:
I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but when a mouse completes a test, it gets rewarded with a food pellet.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
It also gets its brain plucked out with a tweezer.

Sheldon Cooper:
And its last meal is a food pellet? You're a monster.

Leonard Hofstadter:
What the hell is that?

Sheldon Cooper:
To keep my anxiety levels up, I'm playing Darth Vader, The Joker and Godzilla's roar to keep my in that sweet spot. I tried adding Taylor Swift to the mix, but it turns out I love her.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Can't you just put on some headphones or something?

Sheldon Cooper:
Okay, geez! Taylor's right, haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.

Emily Sweeney:
So, I understand you were playing a little game about me and Raj.

Howard Wolowitz:
We were just having a little fun.

Emily Sweeney:
Well, I don't care what you think. I think a man who loves his dog is sexy. [Kisses Raj] Why is there dog hair in your mouth.

Sheldon Cooper:
Amy's sick.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Aw, what's wrong with her?

Sheldon Cooper:
Well, she talks a lot. She always wants to hold hands.

Leonard Hofstadter:
That's not what I meant.

Sheldon Cooper:
If you were refering to her illness, you should have asked "What ails her?"

Leonard Hofstadter:
What ails her?

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, who knows.

[first lines]

Penny:
So, we're about to shoot this scene in a movie where the killer ape DNA is slowly taking over my body.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Okay.

Penny:
But I realize they're gluing fur everywhere except my cleavage. So, I ask the director why and he says it's important for the story that my b*obs be the last things to turn ape.

Leonard Hofstadter:
It's sweet that he thinks there's a story.

Penny:
Oh, and there's not even a bathroom on set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed like half an ape and still not even close to the most disgusting person in there.

Penny:
Sheldon, what did we say about being a nicer friend?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Thank you.

Penny:
Leonard, what did we say about being a gullible weenie?

Sheldon Cooper:
What can we do that's fun?

Leonard Hofstadter:
What can we do that's different?

Penny:
What can we do that's free?

Raj Koothrappali:
You're a good friend. I owe you one.

Mrs. Wolowitz:
Howard! Help me get out of the tub! [Howard looks at Raj]

Raj Koothrappali:
Not that one.

Sheldon Cooper:
So, we're just randomly choosing a restaurant without researching it online?

Penny:
Yup.

Sheldon Cooper:
Great. See, this is how Anything-Can-Happen Thursday turns into It-Won't-Stop-Coming-Up Friday.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Hey, how about that Asian fusion place?

Sheldon Cooper:
Fusion *and* Asians? I'm trying not to think about science.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
I feel so bad about lying to Sheldon; how am I going to make it up to him?

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
I'd tell you what I do with Howard, but I don't think dressing up like a catholic schoolgirl is going to work with Sheldon.

Leonard Hofstadter:
He'd probably give you homework.

Sheldon Cooper:
There's only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life's problems, and that's an Oreo.

Sheldon Cooper:
Have you ever paid for a meal?

Penny:
Not with money.

Sheldon Cooper:
[to the psychic] You know what this is? Yeah, and I reserve this word for those rare instances when it's *truly* deserved. This is malarkey. [he storms out]

Penny:
Wow, you really struck a nerve. I've never heard him use the 'M' word before.

Raj Koothrappali:
Here we go. 'House of 1000 Corpses'.

Emily:
Now, just so you know, I was a nanny for three years, so if you get scared I can totally change your diaper.

Raj Koothrappali:
Actually, I have to tell you something. These kind of movies really aren't my thing, so... last night I watched it, just to see what I was getting myself into.

Emily:
Okay...

Raj Koothrappali:
And I have to be honest; I thought it was disturbing and weird. And it made me wonder what it says about someone who enjoys it.

Emily:
I wonder that too.

Raj Koothrappali:
Then, why do you watch these things?

Emily:
Can I tell you something without you judging me?

Raj Koothrappali:
Sure.

Emily:
They kinda turn me on.

Raj Koothrappali:
And play.

[last lines]

Sheldon Cooper:
Hello. I didn't expect you this evening.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Well, I was just feeling so bad about lying to you the other night, I... wanted to make it up to you.

Sheldon Cooper:
And how do you propose to do that?

[Amy drops her coat to the floor, showing she is wearing a Catholic schoolgirl outfit]

Sheldon Cooper:
Now, unless you have Gravity on Blu-ray under that skirt, I don't know where you're going with this.

Penny:
So we're about to shoot this scene in the movie where this killer ape DNA is slowly taking over my body.

Leonard Hofstadter:
O.K.

Penny:
But I realized their gluing everywhere except my cleavage. So I ask the director why and he says it's important to the story that my b*obs be the last things to turn ape.

Leonard Hofstadter:
It's sweet that he thinks there's a story.

Penny:
Oh there's not even a bathroom on the set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed as half an ape and I wasn't even close to the most disgusting person in there.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
I'm sorry. I just needed a break from hearing you obsess about what to do after string theory.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
I kinda wanted one night where we didn't have to hear about how miserable you were making this movie.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
None of that means we don't love you.

Penny, Leonard Hofstadter:
I don't complain that much about the movie, have I?

Leonard Hofstadter:
I also love you.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
I do feel bad about lying to Sheldon. How am I going to make it up to him?

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
I'll tell you what I'd do with Howard, but I don't think dressing up like a Catholic school girl is going to work with Sheldon. [Amy stares off into the distance]

Leonard Hofstadter:
He'd probably give you homework.

Sheldon Cooper:
I don't mean to be rude or discourteous, but before we begin, I'd just like to say there is absolutely no scientific evidence to support clairvoyance of any kind. Which means again, no insult intended, that you're a fraud, your profession is a swindle and your livelihood is depended upon the gullibility of stupid people. But again, no offense.

Penny:
Sheldon, ask your question.

Sheldon Cooper:
OK, I just did. What was it?

Penny:
Oh, for God sakes. Look he's a physicist who trying to figure out what his next field of study should be.

Sheldon Cooper:
For your information I was asking her about the next Star Trek movie.

Penny:
I can answer that one. I'll be bored.

Ms. Davora:
All right. Why don't we begin? Your spirit guide is telling me that there's a woman in your life that you're having problems with.

Sheldon Cooper:
That's an easy guess. I'm a clearly annoying person and have problems with both genders.

Ms. Davora:
I know. You clearly are. But I'm seeing a specific woman that you're in a romantic relationship with.

Penny:
Oh, oh. Here we go.

Sheldon Cooper:
The majority of people have dark hair. Even you at one time.

Ms. Davora:
Does she work in a similar field to you?

Sheldon Cooper, Penny:
Ha. The opposite. She's a neurobiologist, I'm a theoretical physicist. My spirit guide can go suck an egg.

Ms. Davora:
They're telling me that you have difficulty being close with her.

Penny:
Oh, he does. He so does. What should he do?

Ms. Davora:
He should give himself to this relationship. Once he does all his other pursuits will come into focus.

Penny:
Sheldon, did you hear that? Amy is the key to your happiness.

Ms. Davora:
Exactly. Personally and professionally everything will fall into place once you commit to her.

Sheldon Cooper:
Do you what this is? I reserve this word for those rear instances for it is truly deserving. This is malarkey.

Penny:
Wow. You really struck a nerve. I never heard him use the M word before.

Penny:
Hey, maybe the answer to your career question is in one of these [fortune cookies] .

Sheldon Cooper:
Penny, there's only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life's problems and that's an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter if you're in a pinch.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
I gotta go. Penny ratted me out to Howard. FYI she's getting you a watch for your birthday with money she took out of your wallet.

Penny:
[Sees Amy and Bernadette at a cafe] Son of a b*tch! Bernadette isn't working late!

Sheldon Cooper:
And Amy doesn't look sick.

Penny:
Why would they lie to us?

Sheldon Cooper:
I don't know. [Knock-knock-knock] Amy and Bernadette. [knock-knock-knock] Amy and Bernadette. [knock-knock-knock] Amy and Bernadette. Why would you lie to us?

Raj Koothrappali:
I was thinking we could watch a DVD.

Howard Wolowitz:
Well, my mother doesn't have a lot of choices. Unless you want to watch a video of her colonoscopy. Spoiler alert: twenty minutes in, they find a prune pit.

Sheldon Cooper:
Uh...

Penny:
What's wrong?

Sheldon Cooper:
I don't understand my food. It's Chinese noodles, Korean barbecue, and a taco.

Penny:
It's fusion.

Sheldon Cooper:
My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity.

Raj Koothrappali:
[pauses movie] Okay, so in the last twenty minutes we've seen a crazy woman kiss a fetus in a jar, a man cut in half and sewn to a fish...

Howard Wolowitz:
The dismemberment of a rotisserie chicken by my mother. On the plus side, I don't think she saw the film.

Penny:
[Reads her fortune cookie] "People turn to you for guidance and wisdom." That's a good one.

Sheldon Cooper:
No, it's not. Turn to you for guidance and wisdom? That cookie is clearly mocking you. You'd never get that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter.

Penny:
Since you're paying for dinner, I'll let that slide. [Gives Sheldon a cookie] Read.

Sheldon Cooper:
Have you ever paid for a meal?

Penny:
Not with money. Read.

Sheldon Cooper:
[Reads] "Your warm and fun-loving nature delights those around you."

Penny:
Nope, try again.

Raj Koothrappali:
Why can't I be in a relationship with a girl who likes Sound of Music?

Howard Wolowitz:
Raj, you are the girl in the relationship who likes Sound of Music.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I'm an experimental physicist. You know, one of those guys who examines the building blocks of creation and says, "Hello, Maker of the Universe. I see what you did there. Good one."

Sheldon Cooper:
If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a Merry Christmas.

[first lines]

Leonard Hofstadter:
No, seriously, I think I've finally figured out my problem with women.

Sheldon Cooper:
The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family.

Leonard Hofstadter:
What does that have to with me and women?

Sheldon Cooper:
Nothing. It was a desperate attempt to introduce an alternate topic of conversation.

Raj Koothrappali:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't want to speak to the FBI!

Leonard Hofstadter:
Why not?

Raj Koothrappali:
I'm brown and I talk funny.

Howard Wolowitz:
They're just doing a background check on me.

Raj Koothrappali:
It doesn't matter. They'll find a reason to give me a one-way ticket back to Gandhi-ville. By the way, when I say that, it's not offensive.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Don't be ridiculous, Raj. You're here legally.

Raj Koothrappali:
Nobody cares. Do you know how long it's been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy?

Sheldon:
You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, bur your insistence on talking about you own lives stymies me at every turn.

Leonard:
Fine, Sheldon, tell us about your giant rodent.

Sheldon:
No, you squandered your time with me, and the moment has now passed. Feast on your disappointment, much as the capybara feasts on its own waste.

Leonard Hofstadter:
What are you doing up?

Sheldon Cooper:
Sleep eludes me, Leonard.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Really? Maybe sleep has met you before.

Howard Wolowitz:
You're giving me a couch cushion?

Sheldon Cooper:
No, the cushion is merely symbolic. I'm giving you my spot on the couch.

Sheldon Cooper:
But you love that spot.

Howard Wolowitz:
No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it's yours.

[last lines]

Howard Wolowitz:
I gotta tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean: the temperature is good but there's no draft, I can see the television but I can still talk th...

Sheldon Cooper:
I changed my mind; get out of my spot!

Penny:
How long?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Ninety-four seconds.

[there's a knock at the apartment door]

Leonard Hofstadter:
Want to get that?

Sheldon Cooper:
Not particularly.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Could you get that?

Sheldon Cooper:
I suppose I *could* if I were asked.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Would you please get that!

Sheldon Cooper:
Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?

Penny:
I'm sorry, honey, I don't know milliliters.

Sheldon Cooper:
Ah. Blame President James "Jimmy" Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.

Howard Wolowitz:
I see. Well, it's good to know, when I need you guys, I can always count on you to step up and ruin everything.

Sheldon Cooper:
Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. How do you cope?

Penny:
I drink...

Penny Hofstadter:
Amy got her ears pierced, she broke up with Sheldon, and she made us eat penis cookies.

Leonard Hofstadter:
If there was a hidden compartment, don't you think you'd be stuffed in it by now?

Howard Wolowitz:
I bet he picked up a lot of cute grad students in this bad boy.

Sheldon Cooper:
And talked about physics with them!

Sheldon Cooper:
It's bad enough I'm being taken against my will. I don't see why it has to be in some hippie's mobile sex dungeon.

Howard Wolowitz:
There's something about this van I think you'll find interesting.

Sheldon Cooper:
Does it run on syphilis?

Sheldon Cooper:
Are you really going to let them take you in a van to an undisclosed location?

Howard Wolowitz:
Oh, you're coming too.

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh? And how are you going to get me into that van? [Cut to Sheldon tied and blindfolded as he's carried into the van by Leonard and Howard] Put me down! This is ridiculous!

Howard Wolowitz:
I told you we should have put a gag in his mouth.

Raj Koothrappali:
And I told you he bit me!

Sheldon Cooper:
Are you all up on your yellow fever inoculations?

Howard Wolowitz:
You don't need yellow fever shots to go to Mexico.

Sheldon Cooper:
You can never be too careful. I had mine last year before going to EPCOT.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
In the spirt of the bachelorette party, I baked cookies shaped like male genitals.

Penny Hofstadter:
Oh, Amy, you didn't have... Wow! That is anatomical!

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Thank you. The veins are blue gummy worms.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Oh, look. Jewish and gentile.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
I had some dough left over.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
If my mother could see me now, she'd send me to the sin closet.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
That's a joke, right?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
The joke was on her. I could still watch TV through the slats.

Penny:
I get it! Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress-slash-actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.

Sheldon Cooper:
Why would you lie about that?

Penny:
Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school - and I didn't want him to think I was some kind of stupid loser.

Sheldon Cooper:
You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community-college graduate?

Penny:
You know, there are a lot of successful people who graduated from community college.

Sheldon Cooper:
Yet you are neither.

Sheldon Cooper:
[Ex nihilo] Leonard, I'm moving out.

Leonard Hofstadter:
What do you mean, you're moving out? Why?

Sheldon Cooper:
There doesn't have to be a reason.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Yeah, there kinda does.

Sheldon Cooper:
Not necessarily. This is a classic example of M?nchhausen's Trilemma: either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons, leading to an infinite regression; or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements; or it's ultimately circular: i.e., I'm moving out because I'm moving out.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I'm still confused.

Sheldon Cooper:
Leonard, I don't see how I could have made it any simpler.

[Sheldon and Rajesh are watching television. Alka Yagnik's voice can be heard singing]

Sheldon Cooper:
Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?

Rajesh Koothrapali:
Yes, isn't she an amazing actress?

Sheldon Cooper:
Actually, I'd say she's a poor man's Madhuri Dixit.

Rajesh Koothrapali:
[angered, Rajesh turns his head toward Sheldon] How *dare* you! Aishwarya Rai is a goddess! By comparison, Madhuri Dixit is a l-leperous prostitute!

Sheldon Cooper:
[shocked] Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Obviously, you're not that familiar with Indian cinema.

Rajesh Koothrapali:
[angrily turns his head toward Sheldon a second time]

Howard Wolowitz:
[Wolowitz and Koothrapali have been watching Leonard and Penny on a video camera] You should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your date with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box.

Leonard Hofstadter:
What are you talking about? The date went fine!

Rajesh Koothrapali:
Dude, she said she wants to slow things down.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Okay, so she said she wants to slow things down. It's like saying, "I'm really enjoying this meal! I'm going to slow down and savor it."

Howard Wolowitz:
No - it's like: "This fish tastes bad, so I'm gonna slow down and spit it out."

Rajesh Koothrapali:
You being the fish.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I'm not the fish!

Leonard Hofstadter:
[about his date with Penny] Where could I have possibly gone wrong?

Howard Wolowitz:
The littlest things can set women off - like, "Hey, the waitress is hot! I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or, "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."

Penny:
This is between you and me. You can't tell Leonard any of this.

Sheldon Cooper:
You're asking me to keep a secret?

Penny:
Yeah.

Sheldon Cooper:
Well, I am sorry, but you would have had to have expressed that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether I wanted to accept the covenant of secret-keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex-post-facto basis.

Penny:
What?

Sheldon Cooper:
Secret-keeping is a complicated endeavor. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expressions, autonomic reflexes. When I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a Lyme disease research facility. [pause] It's a joke. It relies on the homonymic relationship between "tick", the blood-sucking arachnid, and "tic", the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.

Sheldon Cooper:
You must release me from my oath. I can't keep your secret, Penny. I'm going to fold like an energy-based de novo protein in conformational space... like a Renaissance triptych... like a cheap suit.

Penny:
Why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?

Sheldon Cooper:
I'm constitutionally incapable. That's why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles southeast of Traverse City, Michigan.

[pause]

Sheldon Cooper:
Which you did not hear about from me.

[Koothrappali and Wolowitz have been using a video camera to spy on Leonard's date with Penny]

Leonard Hofstadter:
Sheldon! How could you just sit there and let them spy on me?

Sheldon Cooper:
They were clever, Leonard: they exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.

Penny:
Has Leonard ever been involved with someone who wasn't a braniac?

Sheldon Cooper:
Well, a few years ago, he did go out with a woman who had a Ph. D. in French literature.

Penny:
How is that not a braniac?

Sheldon Cooper:
Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.

[Sheldon is looking for a place to stay]

Rajesh Koothrapali:
You can't stay with me - I have a teeny, tiny apartment.

Sheldon Cooper:
Excuse me, but isn't hosting guests an aspect of Manushya-Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu house-holder?

Rajesh Koothrapali:
I hate trains!

Sheldon Cooper:
Don't be silly - you love trains.

[Sheldon moves in with Koothrapali]

Sheldon Cooper:
This is a very old building.

Rajesh Koothrapali:
Sixty years. Used to be a watch factory.

Sheldon Cooper:
Don't you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?

Rajesh Koothrapali:
Not until now!

Sheldon Cooper:
I can't believe I didn't bring my Geiger counter. I had it on my bed, and I didn't pack it.

Rajesh Koothrapali:
Well, if you're not comfortable staying here, Sheldon...

Sheldon Cooper:
I'm kidding! I packed it.

Howard Wolowitz:
Are you having a second date?

Leonard Hofstadter:
No. She said we would just wing it.

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, please. Even I know that's lame.

Sheldon Cooper:
[looking at tape of Penny kissing Leonard] Jaw clenched, no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign in human mating.

Leonard Hofstadter:
It is not a bad sign!

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, please. You might as well be two iguanas with no dewlap enlargement.

Howard Wolowitz:
[Hears a knock on his door] Who is it?

Rajesh Koothrapali:
[High-pitched voice] Strippergram! [Howard opens door; it's actually Rajesh with Sheldon] Tag, you're it. [Runs off]

Howard Wolowitz:
Couldn't you've just wrapped him up in a paper bag and set fire to him?

Penny:
Has Leonard ever dated any regular women?

Sheldon Cooper:
I assume you are not refering to digestive regularity. It has been my experience that asking that is highly inappropriate.

Rajesh Koothrapali:
We just came from the exhibit of preserved cadavers.

Howard Wolowitz:
And some of those skinless women were hot!

Sheldon Cooper:
If you'll excuse me, I have to pack.

Howard Wolowitz:
That's a bit of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.

Penny:
Sheldon, can I ask you a question?

Sheldon:
Well, I would prefer that you didn't but I won't go so far as to forbid it.

Penny:
...Okay, I heard 'yes'.

Sheldon:
[In a gravely voice, after being drugged by Howard] "I'm Batman!"

Sheldon Cooper:
Hey, there he is! There my old buddy bud-bud!

Leonard Hofstadter:
What's with him?

Howard Wolowitz:
Koothrapali dumped him on me and he couldn't get to sleep so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom's Valium in it but he still wouldn't shut up so tag you're it!

[Wolowitz drops Sheldon's bag and leaves]

Sheldon Cooper:
I'm baaack!

Leonard Hofstadter:
I still don't know why you left.

Sheldon Cooper:
I can't tell you.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Why not?

Sheldon Cooper:
I promised Penny.

Leonard Hofstadter:
You promised Penny what?

Sheldon Cooper:
That I wouldn't tell you the secret. Ssh!

Leonard Hofstadter:
What secret? Tell me the secret.

Sheldon Cooper:
Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it but we can't tell dad!

Leonard Hofstadter:
Not *that* secret! The other secret!

Sheldon Cooper:
I'm Batman! Ssh!

Leonard Hofstadter:
Damn it! Sheldon, you said Penny told you a secret. What was the secret?

Sheldon Cooper:
Okay, I'll tell you. But you can't tell Leonard.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I promise.

Sheldon Cooper:
Penny lied about graduating from community college because she's afraid she's not smart enough for Leonard.

Leonard Hofstadter:
So it's nothing I did? It's her problem?

Sheldon Cooper:
I drank milk that tasted funny.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Penny thinks I'm too smart for her. That's ridiculous!

Sheldon Cooper:
I know. Most of your work is extremely derivative. Don't worry that's not a secret. Everybody knows!

Leonard Hofstadter:
Well, good night.

Penny:
What are you doing?

Leonard Hofstadter:
There was a draft.

Penny:
I didn't feel a draft.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Why don't we just go into your...

Penny:
Oh, yeah, you know what, maybe we should just slow things down a little.

Leonard Hofstadter:
No, no, I didn't mean to go into your apartment to... go fast.

Penny:
No, I know, I... I know what you meant, it's just... it's only our first date.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Yeah, okay, sure, no problem, why don't we just figure out where we're going, and when we want to get there, and then rate of speed equals distance over time. Solve for R.

Penny:
Or we could just wing it.

Leonard Hofstadter:
That might work too.

Penny:
Goodnight, Leonard.

Penny:
Hi.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Yeah, hi, listen, I know what's been bothering you about us, and I have the answer.

Penny:
What are you talking about?

Leonard Hofstadter:
First I want to say that it's not Sheldon's fault, he tried very hard to keep your secret, if Howard hadn't drugged him he would have taken it to his grave.

Penny:
He told you?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Yes, but it's okay. Now that we know what the problem is, there's a simple solution.

Penny:
Pasadena city college?

Leonard Hofstadter:
A place for fun, a place for knowledge. See, this man here's playing hacky sack, and this girl's going to be a paralegal.

Penny:
Wow, I get it, because Dr Leonard Hofstadter can't date a girl without a fancy college degree.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Well, it's really not that fancy, it's just a city college.

Penny:
Right, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you?

Leonard Hofstadter:
That doesn't matter to me at all.

Penny:
So, it's fine with you if I'm not smart.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Absolutely. [She slams the door in his face] Okay, this time I know where I went wrong.

Penny:
Ah, the best! You have booze with breakfast on a Tuesday you got a problem. You do it on a weekend you got brunch.

[stranded in the hot desert with Leonard, Sheldon, and Raj]

Howard Wolowitz:
I wish my mom was here. We could all hang out in her shadow.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Sheldon doesn't believe in brunch. He can't stand being at a table where one person's having an omelet and another person's having a sandwich.

[Penny, Amy & Bernadette have just entered the Comic Store]

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Why are they staring?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Who cares? Just soak it in. [huskily, stroking her hair] Hello, boys.

Stuart:
Oh. Hey! [looks around at the customers] Could we stop staring? They're just girls; nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.

[first lines]

Leonard Hofstadter:
Hey, will you steam my uniform next?

Sheldon Cooper:
Yeah, uh, interesting. Do you recall this conversation? "Leonard, want to go halvesies on a steamer?" "No, Sheldon we don't need a steamer." Looks like that rumpled chicken's come home to roost.

Penny:
Hi, here are the makeup sponges you asked for.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Oh, thanks; I thought I had more.

Penny:
Damn, you've got more makeup than I do. You got better makeup than I do. Yeah, I'm borrowing this.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, this is my Comic-Con makeup. I love you, but there are some things a man doesn't share with his girlfriend.

Sheldon Cooper:
That's a wise policy. I once borrowed my sister's makeup for a costume contest, got a terrible case of pinkeye. Yeah, but luckily I was going as a zombie; I won second place.

Penny:
I feel like you guys just went to Comic-Con.

Leonard Hofstadter:
That was San Diego Comic-Con; this is Bakersfield Comic-Con.

Penny:
Is that better?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Mm, it's a lot smaller. It's more about the comics books, the way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood.

Sheldon Cooper:
So to answer your question, no, it's not better.

Penny:
Well then why are you going?

Sheldon Cooper:
It's a comic book convention. Like pizza or particle accelerators even the stinky ones, still pretty good.

[last lines]

GPS with Sheldon's Voice:
Fun fact. President Eisenhower signed the Federal Aid Highway Act from his hospital room.

Car Thief #1:
Wow. That is interesting.

Car Thief #2:
You learn something new every day.

GPS with Sheldon's Voice:
Say, can you name the four state capitals that are not served by the Interstate system?

Car Thief #1:
Ooh, another quiz.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
What kind of comics do the guys like?

Stuart:
Um... a little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Okay, well who's the best superhero?

Stuart:
Shhhh! You can't ask a question like that in here! You trying to start a rumble?

Stuart:
Let's see. Well, you got your basic clean good guys, Superman, Spiderman, Captain America. Then you have your darker anti-heroes, your Batman, your Wolverine, Punisher.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Oh, I do love a bad boy.

Penny:
As evidence by your boyfriend and his fear of hamsters.

[Mrs. Wolowitz is sending a rental car for Howard, Sheldon, Raj, and Leonard after their car gets stolen]

Raj Koothrappali:
Did we at least rent the car from Enterprise?

[no one laughs]

Raj Koothrappali:
Get it? Enterprise.

[still no one laughs]

Raj Koothrappali:
Screw you, that's funny.

Officer Reynolds:
[taking Leonard's police report] Do you need me to call anyone? I'm guessing your moms?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Thanks, we've got it covered.

Howard Wolowitz:
[entering] Okay, I just talked to my mom.

Penny:
[arguing with Amy and Bernadette over a comic book] Okay, wait. If I pick up a guy at a bar, and then he picks up another girl and we all leave together, did I pick up the girl?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
[hopefully] Did that actually happen?

Penny:
[avoiding the question] Hey, are we talking about me or are we talking about Thor?

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
[Amy, Bernadette, and Penny enter the comic store the guys often go to, and every male stops what they're doing and stares at them in shock] [Obviously uncomfortable] Why are they staring?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Who cares? Just soak it in. [Then starts walking around, moving her hair from over her ear, then says the next line as if she were a 1940s girl talking to sailors] Hello boys.

Stuart Bloom:
[Comes out of the back room and sees the girls] Oh, hey. [Then notices all the guys looking at them] Would you please stop staring? They're just girls. It's nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.

Penny:
Hey Stuart.

Stuart Bloom:
Well, what brings you girls here?

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.

Stuart Bloom:
Oh, well, I recommend you don't open a store and sell them.

Penny:
No, we were wondering why the guys like the stuff so much, so we thought we'd give it a try.

Stuart Bloom:
[as he speaks the next line, some of the customers start looking at the girls again] Oh ok, well what do you think you might be in to? Superheroes? Fantasy? Graphic novels? Manga? [Turns on the others without taking a breath] I swear I will turn a hose on you! [They scatter]

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
What kind of comics do the guys like?

Stuart Bloom:
Um, a little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Alright, well who's the best superhero?

Stuart Bloom:
[Frantically] Shhhh! You can't ask a question like that in here? Are you trying to start a rumble?

Penny:
Well, what do you recommend?

Stuart Bloom:
Oh, well um, you got your basic clean-cut good guys, like Superman, Spider-Man, Captain America, then you got your darker "anti-heroes", like Batman, Wolverine, Punisher.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Oooo, I do love a bad boy.

Penny:
[Matter-of-factly] As evidenced by your boyfriend and his fear of hamsters.

Stuart Bloom:
[Presenting a comic] If I were you, I'd go for Fables #1. The artwork is sophisticated, it's intelligently written, and it doesn't objectify or stereotype women.

Penny:
[Distracted by another comic] Oooo, Thor! He's hot!

Stuart Bloom:
Yeah, he kind of is.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
[arguing with Penny and Bernadette about a comic book] It says right here on the hammer "Whoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor."

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Well, hold on. Who decides who's worthy? Does the hammer decide?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
[simultaneously with Penny] No.

Penny:
Yes.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
It can't decide. It's a hammer.

Penny:
You said it's a magic hammer.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Yeah, but it... it can't make decisions.

Penny:
If Harry Potter's wand can make decisions, why can't Thor's hammer?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Okay, if you're gonna start comparing wands and hammers, I can't even take you seriously.

Penny:
Oh, my God! A treasure chest. I'm rich!

Sheldon Cooper:
Level 3 and she thinks she's rich. What a noob.

Sheldon Cooper:
Make yourself comfortable. [Penny starts to sit on Sheldon's "spot" on the sofa] Not there.

Sheldon Cooper:
Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?

Penny:
No, Sheldon, I'd rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three-year-old.

Sheldon Cooper:
All right then.

Penny:
For God's sake!

[Goes inside]

Sheldon Cooper:
Just when I think I've gotten the hang of sarcasm.

Sheldon Cooper:
Sheldor back on line.

Penny:
What's AFK?

Sheldon Cooper:
AFK. Away from keyboard.

Penny:
Oh, I see.

Sheldon Cooper:
What does that stand for?

Penny:
Oh, I see.

Sheldon Cooper:
Yes, but what does it stand for?

Leonard Hofstadter:
[watching fluid bounce on a stereo speaker] Hey, check it out. It's just cornstarch and water.

Sheldon Cooper:
They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but it's solid under the percussive action of the speaker.

Howard Wolowitz:
That's what makes it get all funky.

Raj Koothrappali:
It's like some kind of weird comic book crossover.

Howard Wolowitz:
Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty.

Raj Koothrappali:
I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian.

Leonard Hofstadter:
No, that's Marcie. Peppermint Patty is just athletic.

Sheldon Cooper:
Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She's interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work, and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too.

Leonard Hofstadter:
You want to catch me up?

Sheldon Cooper:
Well, let's see. Uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key because her face is overly Midwestern. Uh, she hasn't had sex in six months. And she ate a fly.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Uh-huh. Seriously? Six months?

Sheldon Cooper:
If you don't figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.

Leonard Hofstadter:
You mean up until now we've been experiencing the happy fun-time Sheldon?

Sheldon Cooper:
Yes.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I'll go talk to her.

Leonard Hofstadter:
You know there are groceries outside of your apartment?

Penny:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shh.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I only bring it up because your ice cream's melting and it's starting to attract wildlife.

Penny:
[Penny walks into Sheldon's room as he's sleeping] Sheldon?

[walks towards his bed]

Penny:
Sheldon?

Sheldon Cooper:
[Sheldon abruptly sits up after a dream] Danger, danger!

Penny:
No danger, look it's just me, Penny. Listen, I got to level 25 and reached Purple lotus swamp, right?

Sheldon Cooper:
You're in my bedroom.

Penny:
Yes, Leonard gave me an emergency key.

Sheldon Cooper:
People can't be in my bedroom.

Penny:
Ok, well, can we go talk in the living room?

Sheldon Cooper:
I'm not wearing pajama bottoms.

Penny:
Why not?

Sheldon Cooper:
I spilled grape juice.

Penny:
Well, wear different pajamas.

Sheldon Cooper:
Can't wear different pajamas; these are my Monday pajamas.

Sheldon Cooper:
[Leonard comes walking out of his bedroom and hears this conversation coming from inside Sheldon's bedroom] Please, Penny, enough. I have to sleep.

Penny:
Ok, well, you were great. Thanks.

[Penny comes walking out of Sheldon's room quietly before spotting Leonard standing there]

Penny:
Oh. Hey, Leonard, don't go in Sheldon's room, he's not wearing bottoms. [she walks away]

Leonard Hofstadter:
[knocks on Sheldon's door] Sheldon, you want to catch me up again?

[last lines]

Howard Wolowitz:
[speaking through an avatar] Hello, fair Penny.

Penny:
Who are you?

Howard Wolowitz:
It is I, Sir Howard of Wolowitz. Can I interest you in an afternoon of spirited questing, followed by a flagon of ale at yon virtual tavern?

Penny:
Yeah, sure, why not?

Penny:
[looking up from her laptop with a horrified expression] Oh my God, I need help.

[shuts laptop and pushes it away]

[first lines]

Sheldon Cooper:
Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Atzel's Fortress; now, this is a long run so let's do another bladder check. All right, Barry, we'll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor. [hears banging outside] Sheldor is AFK. [goes into hall] Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?

Penny:
Yes, I can't get my stupid door open.

Sheldon Cooper:
You appear to have put your car key in the door lock; are you aware of that?

Penny:
Yeah.

Sheldon Cooper:
All right, then.

Penny:
Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!

Sheldon Cooper:
Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?

Penny:
I can't get the damn key out.

Sheldon Cooper:
It's not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge-mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagen uses a center cylinder system.

Penny:
Thank you, Sheldon!

Sheldon Cooper:
You're welcome. Point of inquiry: why did you put your car key in the door lock?

Penny:
Why? I'll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean?

Sheldon Cooper:
Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure...

Penny:
I know what it means, Sheldon! God! You know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven't got a single acting job. I have accomplished nothing, haven't gotten a raise at work, haven't even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it.

Sheldon Cooper:
Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they're almost pure protein.

Penny:
Uh, Queen Penelope AFK. What?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Okay, um, here's the thing, um, sometimes people, good people, you know, they start playing these games and they find themselves through no fault of their own, you know, kind of, addicted.

Penny:
Yeah, get to the point, I'm about to level up here.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Well, i-i-i-it's just if a person doesn't have a sense of achievement in their real life it's easy to lose themselves in a virtual world where they get a false sense of accomplishment.

Penny:
Yeah, jabber jabber jabber, okay boys, Queen Penelope's back online.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Penny, you've got cheetos in your hair.

Penny:
Oh, thanks. [Eats it]

Leslie Winkle:
Well don't turn it off, you might miss your call from the Nobel Committee letting you know you've been nominated as dumbass laureate of the year.

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh yeah? Well... you wouldn't even be nominated!

Sheldon:
What rat have you recruited to the U.S.S. Sinking Ship?

Leslie Winkle:
Hello, Sheldon.

Sheldon:
Leslie Winkle.

Leslie Winkle:
Yeah. Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, "Who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?"

Sheldon:
Yes, well... I'm polymerized tree sap and you're an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you.

Leslie Winkle:
[sarcastically] Oh, ouch.

Leonard:
[Sheldon tries to sit on the couch] Sorry, somebody is sitting there.

Sheldon:
Who?

Leonard:
[triumphantly] My physics bowl trophy!

Sheldon:
That trophy is meaningless. I forfeited, therefore, you did not win.

Leonard:
I know someone who would disagree.

Sheldon:
Who?

Leonard:
[triumphantly louder] My physics bowl trophy!

Leonard:
[trophy is "speaking"] Leonard is so smart! Sheldon who?

Dmitri:
[Dmitri rings in on the final question in the physics bowl] The answer is minus eight pi alpha.

Sheldon:
Hang on, hang on a second, that is not our answer! What are you doing?

Dmitri:
[wearily] Answering question; winning physics bowl.

Sheldon:
How do *you* know anything about physics?

Dmitri:
Here I am janitor. In former Soviet Union, I am physicist; Leningrad Polytechnica - Go Polar Bears.

Sheldon:
You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?

Leonard:
Do I have to quote Spock's dying words to you? The needs of the many...

Howard Wolowitz:
...outweigh the needs of the few...

Sheldon:
...or the one. Damn it, I'll do it. [does Vulcan salute]

Howard Wolowitz:
Maybe I should answer the engineering questions. I am an engineer, after all.

Sheldon:
By that logic, I should answer all the anthropology questions because I'm a mammal.

Penny:
[Raj whispers something to Howard] What did he say?

Howard Wolowitz:
He compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a summer's eve.

Penny:
Yeah, and the bag it came in.

Sheldon:
Well... At this point I should inform you, I intend to form my own team and will destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particular chaos to tears.

Leonard:
Thanks for the heads up.

Sheldon:
You're welcome. One more thing.

Leonard:
Yes?

Sheldon:
It's on, b*tch!

Raj Koothrappali:
I say we wait until he looks at us, then laugh like "Yes, you are a smart and strong competitor, but we are also smart and strong and we have a reasonable chance of defeating you."

Leonard:
How exactly would that laugh go?

Raj Koothrappali:
[in high-pitched voice] He-he-he-he-he-he!

Howard Wolowitz:
That sounds more like "We are a tall, thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your Dalmatians."

Leonard:
Guys, let's remember that Sheldon is still our friend, and my roommate.

Howard Wolowitz:
So?

Leonard:
So, nothing. Let's destroy him.

Leslie Winkle:
Wait. You are going up against Sheldon Cooper?

Howard Wolowitz:
Yes.

Leslie Winkle:
That arrogant, misogynistic East Texas doorknob that told me I should abandon my work with high energy particles for laundry and child bearing?

Leonard:
She's in.

[regarding the equation in the final question]

Raj Koothrappali:
Holy crap!

Leonard:
What the hell is that?

Howard Wolowitz:
It looks like something they found on the ship at Roswell.

Howard Wolowitz:
Oooh... more details about the new Star Trek film. There's going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth.

Raj Koothrappali:
I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception.

Sheldon:
Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating - or if you will, pon farr... is an extremely private matter.

Leonard:
Still, I'd like to know the details. His mother was human, his father was Vulcan. They couldn't just 'conceive'.

Howard Wolowitz:
Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Can you imagine Spock's dad in a little room with a copy of "Pointy Ears and Shapely Rears"?

Raj Koothrappali:
How come on Star Trek everybody's private parts are the same? No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, "Hey, get your thing out of my nose".

Sheldon:
[discussing their team name for the Physics Bowl] Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating one's opponent.

Raj Koothrappali:
Then we could be the "Bengal Tigers."

Sheldon:
Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant.

Raj Koothrappali:
Maybe so. But you can't incinerate a Bengal tiger with a magnifying glass.

Leonard:
Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.

Sheldon:
Why?

Penny:
Because it's polite.

Sheldon:
What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?

Penny:
Leonard, you said I only had to *ask* questions.

Penny:
Tweety bird tawt he taw a what?

Sheldon Cooper:
Romulan.

Penny:
[sarcastically] Yes, he tawt he taw a Romulan.

Howard Wolowitz:
We're going to need a strong 4th for our team.

Raj Koothrappali:
You know who's apparently very smart, is the girl who played TV's "Blossom." She got her Ph.D in neuroscience or something.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Raj, we're not getting TV's "Blossom" to join our Physics Bowl team.

Raj Koothrappali:
How about the girl from the "Wonder Years?"

Dr. Eric Gablehauser:
First question. For ten points: What is the isospin singlet partner of the pi-zero meson?

[Leonard and Sheldon ring in]

Dr. Eric Gablehauser:
PMS?

Leonard:
The eta meson.

Dr. Eric Gablehauser:
Correct.

[the audience applauds]

Sheldon:
Formal protest.

Dr. Eric Gablehauser:
On what grounds?

Sheldon:
The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.

Dr. Eric Gablehauser:
Denied.

Leonard:
Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team?

Sheldon:
I don't understand the question.

Sheldon:
The objective of the competition is to give correct answers. If I know them, why shouldn't I give them?

Howard Wolowitz:
Some of us might have the correct answers, too.

Sheldon:
[scoffing] Oh, please. You don't even have a Ph.D.

Howard Wolowitz:
[standing up angrily] All right, that's it!

Leonard:
Howard, sit down.

Howard Wolowitz:
[sitting down submissively] Okay.

Dr. Eric Gablehauser:
AA, I need your official answer.

Sheldon:
[regarding Dmitri ringing in] Well, it's not what he said.

Dr. Eric Gablehauser:
Than what is it?

Sheldon:
I want a different question.

Dr. Eric Gablehauser:
You can't have a different question.

Sheldon:
Formal protest.

Dr. Eric Gablehauser:
Denied.

Sheldon:
Informal protest.

Dr. Eric Gablehauser:
Denied. I need your official answer.

Sheldon:
No. I decline to provide one.

Dr. Eric Gablehauser:
Well, that's too bad, because the answer your teammate gave was correct.

Sheldon:
That's your opinion.

Penny:
Good afternoon, and welcome to today's physics bowl practice round. I'm Penny, and I'll be your host, because apparently I didn't have anything else to do on a Saturday afternoon, and isn't that just a little sad? Gentlemen, are you ready?

Howard Wolowitz:
Okay, we're going to need a strong fourth for our team.

Raj Koothrappali:
You know who's apparently very smart, is the girl who played TV's Blossom. She got a PhD in neuroscience or something.

Leonard:
Raj, we're not getting TV's Blossom to join our physics bowl team.

Raj Koothrappali:
How about the girl from the Wonder Years?

Howard Wolowitz:
Gentlemen, I believe I've found the solution to all our problems.

Leonard:
We can't ask Leslie Winkle.

Raj Koothrappali:
Why? Because you slept together and when she was done with you she discarded you like last night's chutney?

Leonard:
Yes.

Leslie Winkle:
[Sheldon learns that Leslie is replacing him as a team member in a physics competition] Yeah, Leslie Winkle, the answer to the question, 'Who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?'

Sheldon:
Yes, well, I'm polymerized tree sap and you're an inorganic adhesive so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me and returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you.

Leslie Winkle:
Oh, ouch [with much sarcasm]

Penny:
Hey Sheldon, are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tress?

Sheldon Cooper:
No, because we don't celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.

Penny:
Saturnalia?

Howard Wolowitz:
Gather round, kids, it's time for Sheldon's beloved Christmas special.

Sheldon Cooper:
In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.

Howard Wolowitz:
And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.

Penny:
[after the tale of Saturnalia] Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbor gifts, so I'll just put them under my tree.

Sheldon Cooper:
Wait! You bought me a present?

Penny:
Uh-huh.

Sheldon Cooper:
Why would you do such a thing?

Penny:
I don't know. 'Cause its Christmas?

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, Penny. I know you think you are being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift. You've given me an obligation.

Howard Wolowitz:
Don't feel bad, Penny, it's a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.

Penny:
Now, hey, it's okay. You don't have to get me anything in return.

Sheldon Cooper:
Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.

Penny:
Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not giving you a present.

Sheldon Cooper:
No, it's too late. I see it. That elf sticker says, "To Sheldon." The die has been cast. The moving finger has writ. Hannibal has crossed the alps.

Howard Wolowitz:
[Raj then whispers into Howard's ear then they both laugh] I know. It's funny when it's not happening to us.

Penny:
[Exasperated] Sheldon, I am very, very sorry.

Sheldon Cooper:
No. No, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life.

[Turning to Howard and Raj]

Sheldon Cooper:
I'm going to need a ride to the mall.

Howard Wolowitz:
It's happening to us.

Sheldon Cooper:
Where were you that's more important than Wii Bowling night?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Actually, I was...

Sheldon Cooper:
It's a rhetorical question; there *is* nothing more important than Wii Bowling night.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Come on! It's just a video game. And we suck at it.

Sheldon Cooper:
[gasps] Nice motivational speech from the team captain.

Penny:
How do you know Leonard?

Dr. David Underhill:
I'm a physicist.

Penny:
[laughing] No, you're not.

Dr. David Underhill:
Why is that so surprising?

Penny:
Well, it's just that the physicists I know are indoorsy and pale.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I'm not indoorsy. I just wear the appropriate sunblock because I don't take melanoma lightly.

Howard Wolowitz:
That doesn't count. Do-over, do-over!

Sheldon Cooper:
There are no do-overs in Wii Bowling.

Howard Wolowitz:
There are always do-overs when my people play sports.

Sheldon Cooper:
I don't see anything in here a woman would want.

Howard Wolowitz:
You're kidding! You've got lotions, and bath oils, and soaps. That's the estrogen hat trick!

Sheldon Cooper:
What it is is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It's as if my head were trapped in the pajamas of a sultan.

Sheldon Cooper:
Excuse me, miss.

Charlotte:
Yes?

Sheldon Cooper:
If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.

Charlotte:
Excuse me?

Sheldon Cooper:
[Gives her the basket] Here. Now, are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother?

Charlotte:
I don't understand what you're talking about, and you're making me a little uncomfortable.

Howard Wolowitz:
See? Sounds just like you and Penny. We'll take it.

Sheldon Cooper:
[Opens Penny's gift] Oh, a napkin...

Penny:
Turn it over.

Sheldon Cooper:
[Reading] "To Sheldon: Live long and prosper... Leonard Nimoy!"

Penny:
He came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty - he wiped his mouth with it.

Sheldon Cooper:
[Face twitching excitedly] I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?

Penny:
Yeah, yeah, I guess, but look, he signed it.

Sheldon Cooper:
[Now shaking with excitement] Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I could grow my own Leonard Nimoy!

Penny:
Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.

[last lines]

Penny:
[after Sheldon gives her several gift baskets] Sheldon, what did you do?

Sheldon Cooper:
I know! It's not enough, is it? Here...

[gingerly hugs Penny]

Penny:
Leonard, look! Sheldon's hugging me!

Leonard Hofstadter:
It's a Saturnalia miracle!

Leonard Hofstadter:
Look, the guy was just in the right place at the right time with the right paradigm-shifting re-interpretation of the universe; he got lucky.

Leonard Hofstadter:
So, um, Dave, don't you think you and I should get back to the lab? You know, that dark matter isn't going to detect itself.

Dr. David Underhill:
Actually, I was thinking about taking the afternoon off so I could work on another experiment with Penny.

Penny:
Really? We're, we're going to do an experiment.

Dr. David Underhill:
Uh-huh, we're going to explore the effects of tequila shots on a gorgeous 22-year-old woman.

Penny:
[laughs] That's not an experiment; you saw what happened last night.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I have just one question for you. While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us, you said that you didn't want to go out with me because I was too smart for you. Well, newsflash, Lady. David Underhill is ten times smarter than me. You'd have to drive a railroad spike in his brain for me to beat him at checkers. Next to him, I am like one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes. So my question is, what's up with that?

Penny:
[crying] Why are you yelling at me?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Sorry! I'm sorry I'm sorry. Never mind. We're cool.

Penny:
Dave is not smarter than you. He's an idiot.

Leonard Hofstadter:
[chuckling] Really? Why would you say that?

Penny:
Because. A smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.

Leonard Hofstadter:
He tried to take nude photos of you?

Penny:
[screaming] That's what you took from that? The guy is married!

Leonard Hofstadter:
Oh yeah. I'm sorr... oh, that's terrible!

Penny:
And you. If you are so okay with the way things are between us, why are you so jealous?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Well, tha... The important thing is he's married, and that's terrible!

Penny:
Nice save, genius.

[first lines]

Sheldon Cooper:
Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. Now, it is well established Superman cleans his by flying into Earth's yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminant matter and leaves the invulnerable kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy-fresh.

Howard Wolowitz:
What if he gets something kryptonian on it?

Sheldon Cooper:
Like what?

Howard Wolowitz:
I don't know. Kryptonian mustard.

Sheldon Cooper:
I think we can safely assume all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.

Raj Koothrappali:
Or it turned into mustard kryptonite, the only way to destroy a rogue kryponian hot dog threatening Earth.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Raj, please. Let's stay serious here.

Howard Wolowitz:
C'mon, bath stuff! It's perfect. [picks up basket] You got a scented candle, a cleansing burst, spearmint and green tea bath oil; promotes relaxation!

Sheldon Cooper:
Well, that pre-supposes Penny is tense.

Raj Koothrappali:
Oh, she knows you; she's tense. We all are.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I have two words for you: the first is 'Big', the other's 'Whoop'.

[after dismissing Dave's accomplishments, Leonard gushes when Dave wants to work with him]

Leonard Hofstadter:
What are you looking at? You've never seen a hypocrite before?

Penny:
[to Leonard] Good morning, slut!

Leonard Hofstadter:
What?

Penny:
Oh please, I recognize the walk of shame when I see it. All you're missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it.

[Amy is trying to convince Sheldon to attend a fund raiser, which he has skipped because he feels it's demeaning]

Amy Farrah Fowler:
If your friends are unconvincing, this year's donations might go to, say, the Geology Department.

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, dear! Not the dirt people!

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Or worse. It could go to: the liberal arts.

Sheldon Cooper:
No!

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists, and students of gender studies.

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, the Humanities!

[first lines]

Raj Koothrappali:
Here's what I wonder about zombies: [the others groan] What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.

Howard Wolowitz:
You take this one. I spent an hour last night on "How do vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror?"

Sheldon Cooper:
Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed.

Raj Koothrappali:
Yeah, okay. So, zombies.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Uh, I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj. Are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like in '28 Days', if those zombies didn't eat the starved.

Howard Wolowitz:
Yes, you're thinking of '28 Days Later'. '28 Days' is where Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state.

President Siebert:
[Putting his arms around Sheldon and Leonard's shoulders] How are we doing today?

Sheldon Cooper:
That depends. How much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?

President Siebert:
Sorry, Dr. Cooper, I forgot you have a touch phobia.

Sheldon Cooper:
It's not a touch phobia, it's a germ phobia. If you'd like to go put on a pair of latex gloves, I'll let you check me for a hernia.

Sheldon Cooper:
Just because the nice man is offering you candy doesn't mean you should jump into his windowless van.

Sheldon Cooper:
I refuse to be trotted out and shown off like a prize hog at the Texas State Fair, which, by the way, is something you don't want to attend wearing a Star Trek ensign's uniform.

Mrs. Latham:
What happened to you, Wolowitz? Couldn't stick with it long enough to get your Ph.D.?

Howard Wolowitz:
I'm an engineer. Most engineers don't bother with a Ph.D. But you may be interested to know I designed the zero-gravity waste disposal system for NASA.

Mrs. Latham:
Got it. You're a space plumber.

Mrs. Latham:
Alright, Dr. Kooth - whatever it is. You're up.

Raj Koothrappali:
[terrified] It's Koothrappali. I have to tinkle.

Leonard Hofstadter:
She wants to have dinner and talk about my research.

Sheldon Cooper:
An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where are you going, the drive-thru at Jack In the Box?

Sheldon Cooper:
Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider just this once using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!

Sheldon Cooper:
I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard.

Sheldon Cooper:
[answering the phone] Cooper-Hofstadter residence; go for Cooper.

Sheldon Cooper:
Good morning, Mrs. Latham.

Sheldon Cooper:
Yes, of course I remember you; a woman well past her prime seeking to augment her social status by doling out her late husbands ill-gotten gains.

Sheldon Cooper:
So, how much money you going to give me?

Sheldon Cooper:
I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested.

Sheldon Cooper:
Well, if you're not going to give me money, then why are you calling?

Sheldon Cooper:
[passes the phone to Leonard] She wants to talk to you. Who's crazy now?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump...

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, wow!

Howard Wolowitz:
Yess!

Leonard Hofstadter:
Then she stuck her tongue down my throat.

Sheldon Cooper:
Why?

Penny:
Okay, we can't keep explaining everything. Read that book we got you.

Leonard Hofstadter:
She hit on me.

Howard Wolowitz:
Wait, wait, are you telling us that old lady wanted to have sex with you in exchange for giving your department millions of dollars?

Leonard Hofstadter:
I think so.

Howard Wolowitz:
You lucky duck.

Penny:
You're really a broken toy, aren't you?

Sheldon Cooper:
I'm so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!

Leonard Hofstadter:
No, I didn't do it for the money.

Sheldon Cooper:
She stiffed you?

Penny:
I believe that's what your roommate did to *her*.

Sheldon Cooper:
What?

Penny:
Again, read the book we gave you!

[last lines]

President Siebert:
Ah, there he is, the man of the hour! He took one for the team!

Leonard Hofstadter:
I didn't do it for the money.

President Siebert:
Keep telling yourself that; it makes it easier. Trust me, I know.

Raj Koothrappali:
Cool, buddy. That's awesome.

Howard Wolowitz:
How was she?

Howard Wolowitz:
Okay, let's go smooch some rich, wrinkled tochus.

Penny:
Oh, Howard, I can't believe Bernadette let you go to a fancy party wearing a dicky.

Howard Wolowitz:
Excuse me, my girl friend doesn't pick out my clothes. My mother does.

Sheldon Cooper:
No. No. No. I'm just here for your money. I don't want to shake anyone's germy hands.

Sheldon Cooper:
Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.

Sheldon Cooper:
Penny, you're an expert at exchanging sexual favors for material gain. Walk him through this.

Penny:
What was that about me trading sexual favors for material gain?

Sheldon Cooper:
It's a compliment. I believe in giving credit where credit's due.

Barry Kripke:
You got Siwi, huh? Voice wecognition on that thing is terrible. Wook.

[Talking into iPhone]

Barry Kripke:
Siwi, can you wecommend a westauwant?

Siri:
I'm sorry, Bawwy. I don't understand "wecommend a westauwant."

Barry Kripke:
Wisten to me. Not "westauwant," *westauwant*.

Siri:
I don't know what you mean by "not westauwant, westauwant."

Barry Kripke:
See? Total cwap. You suck, Siwi.

[first lines]

Sheldon Cooper:
Hello. I'm Doctor Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next fifty-two weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Hang on, Doctor C, what's vexillology?

Sheldon Cooper:
Vexillology is the study of flags.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Cool! I think I just learned something.

Sheldon Cooper:
Did you have fun doing it?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
I'll say!

Sheldon Cooper:
Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast. Not unlike the only two-sided state flag. Oregon.

[holds up flag]

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, look.

[turns flag around]

Sheldon Cooper:
Hello, Mister Beaver. In future episodes we'll answer some burning questions. What's the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Sweet!

Sheldon Cooper:
Why are you waving a white flag?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
I'm surrendering... to fun!

Leonard Hofstadter:
So, I've got a gunshot wound. That's pretty badass.

Penny:
No, you've got a Reebok with a gunshot wound and an ouchie on your pinky toe.

[last lines]

Siri:
[Raj enters Siri's office] Steve, I found six vacuum cleaner repair shops in your area. Four are fairly close to you.

Raj Koothrappali:
Ahem.

Siri:
Hello, Sexy. What can I help you with?

[Raj cannot speak]

Siri:
If you'd like to make love to me, just tell me.

Raj Koothrappali:
Ack. Ack.

Siri:
I'm sorry, I don't understand Ack, ack.

Raj Koothrappali:
[Waking up on couch] Noooooo!

Raj Koothrappali:
Siri, play some soft jazz, please.

Siri:
Playing soft jazz.

[Kenny G plays]

Raj Koothrappali:
Kenny G! This woman can read me like a book. I can't believe bought my soulmate at Glendale Galleria.

Sheldon Cooper:
Flags. You got to know how to hold them. You got to know how to fold them.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
You OK?

Sheldon Cooper:
No, I'm a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I'm still here.

Penny:
That was a really nice dinner. I'm glad you asked me out again,

Leonard Hofstadter:
Me too. I missed you.

Penny:
You see me all the time. You sure you just don't miss the sex?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Well... yeah, sex with you is pretty great; have you ever tried it?

Penny:
I have; you are not wrong.

Sheldon Cooper:
Here's an interesting fact about flags.

Raj Koothrappali:
I will take that action.

Sheldon Cooper:
The flags of Liechtenstein and Haiti were identical by coincidence; a fact that wasn't discovered until they competed against each other at the 1936 Olympics. And thankfully their embarrassment was overshadowed by the rise of fascism.

Raj Koothrappali:
I was just talking to Siri about Peking duck, and she said she knew about four Chinese grocers, two of which are fairly close to me. Her spontaneity is contagious.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Who's Siri? Is he dating somebody new?

Howard Wolowitz:
Yes. His phone.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Is that cute or creepy?

Howard Wolowitz:
Uh-huh.

Penny:
It was nice having dinner with you.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Thanks. I missed seeing you.

Penny:
We see each other every day. Or do you miss the sex?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Well, sex with you is pretty great. Have you tried it?

Penny:
I have, and you are not wrong.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
For someone who has a machine that can travel anywhere in time and space, Doctor Who sure does have a thing for modern-day London.

Sheldon Cooper:
Careful. It's that kinda sass that can get a person uninvited to this year's Who Con.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Atta boy, Hofstatdter. Nothing gets the ladies hotter than software development analogies.

Raj Koothrappali:
Do you have a last name, Siri?

Siri:
My name is Siri.

Raj Koothrappali:
One name. Just like Cher, Madonna, Adele... all the ladies that rock me.

Sheldon:
Oh, gravity, thou art a heartless b*tch.

Penny:
[Penny screams from her apartment] SON OF A B*TCH!

Leonard:
Penny's up.

Penny:
YOU SICK, GEEKY BASTARDS!

Sheldon:
[in a deep voice] If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.

Sheldon:
I am truly sorry for what happened last night. I take full responsibility and I hope it won't color your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover.

Leonard:
Do you wanna join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?

Penny:
Wow, a marathon, how many Superman movies are there?

Sheldon:
You're kidding, right?

Penny:
You know, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her. Which one was that?

Leonard, Sheldon, Wolowitz:
*One.*

[Raj holds up one finger]

Sheldon:
You know that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy?

Penny:
Yes, I know men can't fly...

Sheldon:
No, no, let's assume that they can... Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second... Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel... Miss Lane, who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles an hour, hits them and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.

Leonard:
Unless Superman matches her speed and decelerates.

Sheldon:
In what space, sir, in what space? She's two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he'd let her hit the pavement. It'd be a more merciful death.

Leonard:
Well, excuse me! Your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman's flight is a feat of strength.

Sheldon:
Are you listening to yourself? It is well established that Superman's flight is a feat of strength. It is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth's yellow sun!

Wolowitz:
And you don't have a problem with that? How does he fly at night?

Sheldon:
Uh, a combination of the Moon's solar reflection, and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.

Penny:
I'm just gonna go wash up.

Leonard:
I have 26 hundred comic books in there; I challenge you to find a single reference to "Kryptonian skin cells."

Sheldon:
Challenge accepted!

[walks to door]

Sheldon:
We're locked out...

Koothrappali:
Also, the pretty girl left.

Leonard:
Men do things for women without expecting sex.

Sheldon:
Those would be men who just had sex.

Leonard:
Any ideas?

Sheldon:
Yes, but they all require a green lantern and a power ring.

Leonard:
Sheldon, this is not your home.

Sheldon:
Look, this is not anyone's home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy!

Leonard:
You convinced me. Maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.

Sheldon:
You don't think that crosses the line?

Leonard:
Yes... For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to... hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?

Sheldon:
You have a sarcasm sign?

Koothrappali:
Hello. Sorry I'm late, but I was in the hallway chatting up Penny.

Wolowitz:
Really? You, Rajesh Koothrappali, spoke to Penny?

Koothrappali:
Actually, I was less the chatter than the chattee.

Wolowitz:
Oh, boy, I was afraid of this.

Leonard:
What?

Wolowitz:
These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This right here is why Sweden has no space program.

Leonard:
I guess we will just bring it up ourselves.

Sheldon:
I hardly think so.

Leonard:
Why not?

Sheldon:
We don't have a dolly or lifting belts or any measurable upper body strength.

Leonard:
Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort organize and label the entire world around them?

Sheldon:
No.

Leonard:
Well, they don't. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don't sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fiber content.

Sheldon:
I'm sorry, but I think we've both found that helpful at times.

Leonard:
Do you realize that if Penny wakes up there is no reasonable explanation as to why we're here.

Sheldon:
I just gave you a reasonable explanation.

Leonard:
No, you gave me an explanation; its reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.

Sheldon:
Don't be ridiculous... I have no peers.

Howard Wolowitz:
[after playing DDR] Grab a napkin, homie. You just got served.

Penny:
You came into my apartment last night while I was sleeping?

Leonard:
Yes, but only to clean.

Sheldon:
Really more to organize. You're not actually dirty, per se.

Penny:
Give me back my key.

[Leonard hands said key back]

Leonard:
I'm very, very sorry.

Penny:
Do you understand how creepy this is?

Leonard:
Uh, yes. We discussed it at length last night.

Penny:
In my apartment? While I was *sleeping*?

Sheldon:
And snoring. And that's probably just a sinus infection. But it could be sleep apnea. You might wanna see an otorhinolaryngologist. The throat doctor.

Penny:
And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?

Sheldon:
Depending on the depth, that's either a proctologist or a general surgeon.

[behind Penny, Leonard holds up a piece of paper with "sarcasm" scribbled on it]

Sheldon:
Oh.

Penny:
Was it hard to get it up the stairs?

Sheldon:
Pfffff...

Leonard:
No.

Sheldon:
No?

Sheldon:
No.

Leonard:
No.

Sheldon:
Great Caesar's ghost! Look at this place.

Leonard:
So Penny's a little messy.

Sheldon:
A little messy! The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little mess- this is chaos!

[last lines]

Penny:
OK, this place does look pretty good.

Leonard Hofstadter:
So, listen, Do you remember when I said the similarities of the equations of General Relativity and Hydrodynamics suggest you could find the equivalent of Unruh radiation in a large body of water?

Penny:
I thought I said that to you.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Anyway, Stephen Hawking's team is looking into that, and I've been invited to join them.

Penny:
Wow! Hawking, good for you!

Leonard Hofstadter:
Well, it is. Just, you know, I'd be gone for a while.

Penny:
For how long?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Three - four months.

Penny:
Whoa. When would you leave?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Couple weeks.

Penny:
Wow. OK. Well, I'll just come visit you.

Leonard Hofstadter:
That's the thing. You can't. I'll be on a ship in the North Sea.

Penny:
On a ship? Aren't they afraid Hawking'll just roll overboard?

Leonard Hofstadter:
He's not going to be there. He's just sending a team to research his theory.

Penny:
Oh sure. Like when you send me to kill spiders in your bathtub. Well, OK. Four months.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Yeah. And... I'm a little worried, because things between us have been *so* great, and I'd hate to do anything that screws that up.

Penny:
Well, sweetie, if you're going to screw things up it's going to be while you're here, not while you're away.

Penny:
Well, here we are.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Yep. Really going to miss you.

Penny:
Going to miss you too.

Sheldon Cooper:
Penny, we're in the red zone. The white zone is for loading and unloading. We're breaking the law.

Penny:
Yeah, there's no space in the white zone, so...

Leonard Hofstadter:
Anyway. We can email and I, I think the phone connections are pretty good.

Sheldon Cooper:
[quickly] All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I'm not going to jail for you.

Sheldon Cooper:
Would you just relax?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Oh, I see a space in the white zone. Quick, circle the airport!

Penny:
Did you bring enough inhalers?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Yeah.

Penny:
And extra Dramamine? You remember what happened on "It's a Small World."

Leonard Hofstadter:
Yeah, I'm covered.

Penny:
OK.

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, dear Lord, a police officer's glancing in our direction. We've been made.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Calm down, I'm getting out. Something I want to give you.

Penny:
Oh, Leonard.

Sheldon Cooper:
[very quickly] It's just a heart shaped locket with a picture of Leonard's face in it he got at the mall on clearance. Now move, move, move.

Penny:
I love you.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I love you too.

[They kiss and embrace]

Leonard Hofstadter:
Don't worry officer. They just love each other. We're not smuggling drugs.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
So after I started dating Sheldon, I met Leonard and then everybody else and they've all been so wonderful to me.

Lucy:
That's really nice to hear.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Maybe next week we could all get together.

Raj Koothrappali:
Lucy, you don't have to answer that. Don't put her on the spot; She hates that. Am I right? Tell her that you hate being put on the spot. Go ahead. Tell her.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Ignore him. He's a little nervous because he doesn't think I understand the severity of your social anxiety.

Raj Koothrappali:
Quit it. Are you crazy? You can't talk about social anxiety to someone who has social anxiety. It makes them socially anxious.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Excuse me, but I'm a neurobiologist. I think I'm a little more qualified than you to understand what's not working in your girlfriend's brain.

Raj Koothrappali:
Don't call her my girlfriend. We haven't discussed whether I'm with girlfriend or boyfriend yet. Now that it's out there... are you my girlfriend? By the way if you say no, I'll never be happy again. Not to put you on the spot.

Lucy:
I think I have to go to the bathroom. [She leaves]

Raj Koothrappali:
[to Amy] You might as well start now. She's not coming back anytime soon.

Penny:
Are you OK?

Raj Koothrappali:
No.

Penny:
I'm so sorry.

Raj Koothrappali:
No... it's my fault. I finally found somebody who's right for me and I, I drove her away.

Penny:
Oh, Raj.

Raj Koothrappali:
Penny, I... I miss her already.

Penny:
I known how you feel. I miss Leonard too.

Raj Koothrappali:
What's... What is wrong with me? Why, why can't I ever have love?

Penny:
You *will*.

Raj Koothrappali:
No, I, I won't. I'm, I'm unlovable.

Penny:
Oh, that's just the booze talking.

Raj Koothrappali:
No, it's not; I haven't had a drink since last night.

[Both realize what he's said and look shocked]

Penny:
You're talking to me.

Raj Koothrappali:
I am.

Penny:
Ahhh.

Raj Koothrappali:
And now I'm crying for a whole different reason.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Anyway, Stephen Hawking's team is looking into that and I've been invited to join them.

Penny:
Wow Hawking, good for you!

Leonard Hofstadter:
Well it is. Just... you know I'd be gone for a while.

Penny:
For how long.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Three - four months.

Penny:
Whoa. When would you leave?

Leonard Hofstadter:
A couple weeks.

Penny:
Wow. OK. Well, I'll just come visit you.

Leonard Hofstadter:
That's the thing. You can't. I'll be on a ship in the North Sea.

Penny:
On a ship? Aren't they afraid Hawking will just roll overboard?

Leonard Hofstadter:
He's not going to be there. He's just sending a team to research his theory.

Penny:
Oh sure. Like when you send me to kill spiders in your bathtub. Well, OK. Four months.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Yeah, I'm a little worried because things between us have been so great. And I'd hate to do anything to screw that up.

Penny:
Oh, sweetie. If you're going to do anything to screw things up, it's going to be while you're here, not while you're away.

Penny:
Oh, sweetie. If you're going to do anything to screw things up, it's going to be while you're here, not while you're away.

Raj Koothrappali:
No.

Penny:
I'm so sorry.

Raj Koothrappali:
No, it's my fault. I finally find somebody who is right for me and I drove her away.

Penny:
Oh. Raj.

Raj Koothrappali:
Penny, I miss her already.

Penny:
I known how you feel. I miss Leonard too.

Raj Koothrappali:
What is wrong with me? Why can't I ever have love?

Penny:
You will.

Raj Koothrappali:
No. I'm unlovable.

Penny:
That's just the booze talking.

Raj Koothrappali:
No, no. I haven't had a drink since last night.

Penny:
[Both realized what he said and look shocked] You're talking to me.

Raj Koothrappali:
I am.

Penny:
Ahh!

Raj Koothrappali:
Now I'm crying for a whole different reason.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Look, I appreciate your signature blend of concern for me and incredible selfishness. If I get the chance to do this, there is nothing you can say that's going to stop me.

Sheldon Cooper:
Very well. [long pause] Things between you and Penny have never been better. I hope four months apart doesn't change anything.

[Leonard stops the car and stares at him]

Sheldon Cooper:
I should have opened with that, huh?

Leonard Hofstadter:
I do have to ask you one favor.

Penny:
Sure.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Sheldon's nervous about me leaving; just keep an eye on him while I'm gone.

Penny:
Mm, I don't know. Remember what happened when I took care of your goldfish?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Well, flush Sheldon down the toilet and get me a new one.

Sheldon Cooper:
If Hawking's theories are correct, all he'd prove is where the universe came from, why everything exists and what its ultimate end will be. Me, I'm interested in the big questions.

[first lines]

Raj Koothrappali:
So anyway, last night on video-chat I spent like twenty minutes just staring into Lucy's eyes.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Sounds romantic.

Raj Koothrappali:
It was until I realized the screen had frozen. Still one of my top three dates of all time.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Are we ever going to hang out with this girl?

Raj Koothrappali:
I'd love that, but she's not really comfortable around people.

Sheldon Cooper:
Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick; I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek.

Leonard Hofstadter:
How's that working for you?

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, like a charm, Unnamed Crewman in a Red Shirt.

Penny:
Oh, my God. Sheldon the genius is actually jealous of Leonard.

Sheldon Cooper:
I am not jealous. I'm just upset that good things are happening for him and are not happening to me.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
So have you been on a boat before?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Yeah.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Did you mean the time we were stuck on the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Yeah.

Howard Wolowitz:
It must have been tough for you saying that about Leonard.

Sheldon Cooper:
It was.

Howard Wolowitz:
It must have killed you when I went to space.

Sheldon Cooper:
For the record, it did not kill me when you went to space. Monkeys went to space.

Raj Koothrappali:
Please don't make me beg. I'm from India. I'm good at it.

Leonard Hofstadter:
You'll never guess what just happened.

Sheldon Cooper:
You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal, which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you're back, to bring us all with you to the year 7010, where we are transported to work in the Thinkatorium, by telepathically-controlled flying dolphins?

Leonard Hofstadter:
No.

Sheldon Cooper:
Awww...

Leonard Hofstadter:
Penny kissed me.

Sheldon Cooper:
Well, who would ever guess that?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Penny kissing me is not insane. She used to kiss me all the time.

Sheldon Cooper:
Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By that standard, Penny is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Howard Wolowitz:
Aah, this takes me back, Leonard obsessing about Penny. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love your new stuff, but once in awhile, it's nice to hear the hits.

Raj Koothrappali:
Ooh, ooh, do "Our babies will be smart and beautiful". That one always makes me laugh.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Why do I bother talking to you people?

Sheldon Cooper:
If it'll make you feel better, we rarely listen.

[Raj and Howard are playing Intergalactic Battleship]

Howard Wolowitz:
C-7.

Raj Koothrappali:
Miss.

Howard Wolowitz:
How could that be a miss? C-6 was a hit. C-8 was a hit. Part of your starship has to be on C-7.

Raj Koothrappali:
Not if it has a hole in the middle.

Howard Wolowitz:
What kind of space ship has a hole in the middle?

Raj Koothrappali:
A... Romulan battle bagel?

Leonard:
[to Penny's father] I'll 'Friend' you on Facebook!

Penny:
I kinda told my father we got back together again.

Leonard Hofstadter:
What? Why?

Penny:
Well, you're the first guy he's ever really approved of, you know, you're a scientist who went to college, and you don't have a neck tattoo or outstanding warrants or - or a baby.

Leonard Hofstadter:
What kind of guys did you used to go out with?

Penny:
Just guys. Anyway, when I told him we split up, he was heart-broken, and he kept bugging me: "How's Leonard?", "Why can't you get back together with Leonard?", "I bet Leonard never tipped a cow over on himself."

[Penny's father, Wyatt, sees Leonard kissing her]

Penny:
C'mon, Honey, not in front of my dad!

Wyatt:
Relax, I've seen you do a lot worse with a lot stupider.

[Howard has invited Bernadette to join Raj, who is monitoring a telescope]

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
So, where's the telescope?

Howard Wolowitz:
It's in Hawaii, but Raj controls it from here. He's hoping to see Epsilon Eridani dim, which would be evidence of a planet orbiting it.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
So we just sit and stare at the screen, waiting for something to happen?

Howard Wolowitz:
I did it with you, when we rented 'The Notebook'.

Wyatt:
[Penny's dad, urging Leonard to get back together with her] Please, please, please don't give up on her!

Leonard Hofstadter:
What?

Wyatt:
I can't go back to the skateboard idiots, the white rappers, and all those sweaty dumb-asses with their backwards hats.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Gee, I don't know if it's in the cards, sir.

Wyatt:
Then stack the deck! Cheat! Lie! I don't care! I want grandkids before I die, and I want 'em to grow up in a house without wheels.

Raj Koothrappali:
I can't be drinking! I'm about to make an important scientific discovery here!

Howard Wolowitz:
What - ? Galileo did his best work while drinking wine.

Raj Koothrappali:
How do you know that?

Howard Wolowitz:
Well, he was Italian. It's a reasonable assumption.

Raj Koothrappali:
Dude, can you even open your mouth without spewing a cultural stereotype?

Howard Wolowitz:
Oh, I'm sorry, Galileo drank diet Sprite!

Penny:
Do you know what I've been doing for the last hour?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Mm, dreamily doodling Mrs. Leonard Hofstadter in a notebook?

Penny:
Listening to my father go on and on about what a great guy you are.

Leonard Hofstadter:
You gotta admit, I am, I'm delightful.

Penny:
Why are you making this so difficult?

Leonard Hofstadter:
[smirking] It's not difficult for me. I'm having fun.

Penny:
Leonard!

Leonard Hofstadter:
What do you want me to do? You started this. You wanna go over and tell him we're broken up?

Penny:
No.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Well, then, what do you want?

Penny:
I don't know.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Don't you think that's something you should have figured out before you stomped over here?

Penny:
[pauses] Maybe.

Sheldon Cooper:
[answering the phone] Hello.

Sheldon Cooper:
Yes, the elevator's out of order; you'll have to use the stairs.

Sheldon Cooper:
Of course you can. Pizza dates back to the sixteenth century while the first elevator was not installed until 1852; that means that for over three hundred years people carried pizzas up stairs. Be part of that proud tradition.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I'll go get Penny while that guy spits on our food.

Sheldon Cooper:
I don't care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics: regular and Klingon.

Penny:
I'd like to go over some proposed changes to the roommate agreement, specifically to address Penny's annoying personal habits.

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, my God! What personal habits?

Penny:
I have a list. FYI, overuse of the phrase "Oh my God" is number twelve.

Penny:
Sheldon, you don't have to do this, because Leonard and I are not...

Leonard Hofstadter:
Bu-bu-bu-bu, are you sure you want to include him in this?

Sheldon Cooper:
Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I'll have no truck with plots.

Penny:
[to Leonard] No, you're right.

[to Sheldon]

Penny:
No, there's, there's no plot, no trucks, no... feet.

Wyatt:
I thought we were past the days when you would try to pull the wool over my eyes. Telling me the baggie in your underwear drawer is potpourri. And the pee stick in your bathroom is to check for diabetes.

Sheldon Cooper:
Just so you know, I was up all night, but I have finally completed the Penny-specific section of the new roommate agreement.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Yeah, well, not necessary. We broke up again,

Sheldon Cooper:
[Sheldon throws the agreement up in the air] Do you even think about other people, Leonard? Do you?

[last lines]

Leonard Hofstadter:
D'you get to play with Raj's big telescope last night?

Howard Wolowitz:
Wh... Where did that come from?

Raj Koothrappali:
He never touched my telescope!

Howard Wolowitz:
Way to go shutting up.

Raj Koothrappali:
I did shut up. Now you shut up.

Howard Wolowitz:
Fine.

Raj Koothrappali:
Thank you. [pause] How come you didn't call me this morning?

[first lines]

Raj Koothrappali:
You know who's got to be the bravest person in the Marvel universe? Whoever has to give She-Hulk her bikini wax.

Howard Wolowitz:
Want to talk brave? How about Captain America's undocumented Mexican gardener?

Leonard Hofstadter:
He's not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after the Thing.

Sheldon Cooper:
As usual you're all wrong; the bravest person in the Marvel universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.

Howard Wolowitz:
How about the guy who gets a prostate exam from Wolverine?

Sheldon Cooper:
Now you're just being silly. Wolverine never displayed the slightest interest in helping others prevent prostate cancer.

Raj Koothrappali:
Hello, Hawaii. This is Dr. Koothrappali in Pasadena. I'd like you to reposition the telescope please. [pause] Scarlett Johansson's house. [laughs hysterically] I'm kidding, Hawaii, mahalo!

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh dear Lord, they redid the menu.

Leonard Hofstadter:
So what? Its the same food.

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso's chicken is no longer listed under 'specialties'; it's now under 'chicken'.

Raj Koothrappali:
So?

Sheldon Cooper:
Yes, General Tso.

Raj Koothrappali:
Not 'Tso' the chicken, 'so' the question.

Sheldon Cooper:
You know, the more I think about it, the 'mobster sauce' couldn't possibly contain chunks of mobster.

Leonard Hofstadter:
And why is that?

Sheldon Cooper:
It was listed under seafood.

Leonard Hofstadter:
What if they were mobsters who slept with the fishes?

[laughs]

Sheldon Cooper:
Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not?

Sheldon Cooper:
My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user friendly than Windows Vista. I don't like that.

Sheldon Cooper:
I do not have to urinate. I am master of my own bladder. [Beat] Drat!

Leonard Hofstadter:
Would I be completely out of line for me to ask you to shoot him?

Officer Hackett:
I'd be happy to put him under a seventy-two hour psychiatric hold.

Sheldon Cooper:
I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested.

Penny:
I can't believe it! If I hadn't been working the dinner shift, I would've run right into the robbers.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Hey, there's no reason for you to be scared.

Penny:
I'm not scared. [picks up baseball bat] I would have gone all Nebraska on their asses.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Where did you get all this stuff?

Howard Wolowitz:
Eh, I got a buddy over at the Department of Defense.

Leonard Hofstadter:
He just *gave* it to you?

Howard Wolowitz:
I'm sure he would've if I'd asked. Ironically, their security isn't all that good.

Penny:
Come on, Sheldon, you can't move. Don't you need to stay in one place so the mother ship can find you when it returns?

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, if that were only true.

Sheldon Cooper:
[Arriving in Bozeman, Montana] That is a bracing cold, an invigorating cold. Lord, is it cold!

Young Man:
Uh, help you with your bag, sir?

Sheldon Cooper:
Thank you, fellow Bozite! And may I say, you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town's Chamber of Commerce.

[Man runs off with Sheldon's bags]

Sheldon Cooper:
Wait!

[Runs out]

Sheldon Cooper:
Wait! Excuse me!

[Returns and goes to ticket counter]

Sheldon Cooper:
One ticket to Pasadena, California, please.

Sheldon Cooper:
They took our TV, two laptops, four external hard-drives, our PS2, our PS3, our X-Box, our X-Box 360, our classic Nintendo, our Super Nintendo, our Nintendo 64 and our Wii.

Leonard Hofstadter:
We like games.

Sheldon Cooper:
Right, games. They took Halo 1, Halo 2, Halo 3, Call of Duty 1, Call of Duty 2, Call of Duty 3, Rock Band, Rock Band 2, Final Fantasy 1 through 9, The Legend of Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Galaxy, Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympics... and Ms. Pac-Man.

Officer Hackett:
[writing] Assorted video games.

Sheldon Cooper:
[while looking at a menu] And look over here, 'Shrimp in Mobster Sauce'. What is mobster sauce?

Leonard Hofstadter:
It's obviously a typo.

Sheldon Cooper:
Hmm, perhaps. Or perhaps this restaurant's now a front for organised crime. For all we know the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters.

Raj Koothrappali:
No, no, no, no. I think it just means it's the kind of sauce that mobsters like.

Howard Wolowitz:
It doesn't mean any of that. It's a typo.

[last lines]

Howard Wolowitz:
[as Sheldon enters] Hey! Look who's back!

Sheldon Cooper:
Interesting. The acquaintance is the first to greet me.

[first lines]

Howard Wolowitz:
Boy, seems like forever since the four of us have been out to eat, you know, just the guys.

Raj Koothrappali:
Oh God! Yes, we get it; you have a girlfriend now.

Howard Wolowitz:
A little jealous are we?

Raj Koothrappali:
No, I'm not jealous. [the other 3 stare at him] All right, I'd kill a hobo if it'll get me laid. Now can we order.

Howard Wolowitz:
Oh, come on. So you were the victim of a crime. That's part of life. When my great-grandfather first came to this country, he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York. You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver, got ripped off. But, those people moved on, and so should you.

Sheldon Cooper:
I am moving on. I'm going to be a Bozite.

Leonard Hofstadter:
They call themselves Bozites?

Sheldon Cooper:
They should. It's one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Sheldon, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm going to miss you.

Sheldon Cooper:
Please, Penny, as you know, I'm not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared a short video. - - Greetings. As you know, I'm not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared this short video. The four of you are three of my closest friends and one treasured acquaintance. Though I cannot state categorically that my life will be diminished by not having you in it, I am comfortable if you choose to believe that. Since you intend to remain in this lawless metropolitan area, statistics suggest that you will succumb to tragic and gruesome ends before we meet again. Live long and prosper.

[first lines]

Howard Wolowitz:
[on cellphone] Ma, ma, calm dow- listen to me! I know it says click with the mouse, but on a laptop the trackpad is the mouse. Now put your finger on it.

Howard Wolowitz:
Doesn't matter which finger.

Howard Wolowitz:
Good choice. Now move it down to your e-mail icon.

Howard Wolowitz:
The little envelope.

Howard Wolowitz:
What do you mean what does it look like? It looks like an envelope!

Howard Wolowitz:
Fine, you don't like the computer, don't use it!

Howard Wolowitz:
Sure. We can exchange it for a salad spinner. Good-bye.

Raj Koothrappali:
That's a Hanukkah present you're regretting, huh?

Sheldon Cooper:
I won't say that all senior citizens who can't master technology should be publicly flogged. But, if we made an example of one or two it might give the others incentive to try harder.

Leonard Hofstadter:
You know how we're always having to stop and solve differential equations, like when you're doing Fourier analysis or using the Schr?dinger equation?

Sheldon Cooper:
Howard doesn't, he's only an engineer.

Sheldon Cooper:
You know, Leonard, that's actually a valid idea. Very good.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Can you say that and not make it sound like I'm a cat who learned how to use the toilet?

Sheldon Cooper:
No. The two achievements are equally surprising and equally admirable. Though if pressed, I'd have to give a slight edge to the cat.

Sheldon Cooper:
I suppose I'll go put on my bus pants.

Leonard Hofstadter:
What the hell are bus pants?

Sheldon Cooper:
They are pants one wears over one's regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on.

Penny:
[to Sheldon, who is sitting on the stairs playing the theremin] Whatcha doing? Trying to contact your home planet?

Sheldon Cooper:
How about this for the name? The Surprising Helpful Equation Linked Deferential Optimized Numerator.

Raj Koothrappali:
So it spells "Sheldon"?

Sheldon Cooper:
Does it? A happy accident.

Leonard Hofstadter:
[fed up with Sheldon trying to take over the app project] Okay, you're fired.

Sheldon Cooper:
Really? Why?

Raj Koothrappali:
Hey, why am I in charge of phone support? Seems a bit racist.

Sheldon Cooper:
A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create the impression we're a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centers.

Raj Koothrappali:
Oh, very clever. But still racist.

Sheldon Cooper:
Duly noted, "Steve from Wichita".

Raj Koothrappali:
Last night, I had a dream we got so rich from the app, you and I bought matching side-by-side mansions. But there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard. What do you think it means?

Howard Wolowitz:
It means after we play handball, I'm showering at home.

Raj Koothrappali:
You know what I do when I feel down?

Howard Wolowitz:
Sing "Hakuna Matata" like a seven-year-old girl?

Raj Koothrappali:
Wrong, Mister Smarty-Pants! It's "Everything is Awesome" from the Lego Movie.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
[to Sheldon, who is dressed like Betsy Ross] Well, Betsy Ross. What are you working on?

Sheldon Cooper:
[High-pitched voice] I have no idea, because the story of me sewing the first American flag is complete poppycock.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Then who did make the first American flag?

Sheldon Cooper:
Don't ask me. I'm just a simple seamstress... [normal voice]... whose descendants are out to make a quick buck!

Sheldon Cooper:
Now I'd like to welcome a very special guest. He put the Reading in your Rainbow, the Geordi in your La Forge, and the Kunta in your Kinte. Please welcome Mr. LeVar Burton.

LeVar Burton:
Thank you, Sheldon. Now, you remember our deal.

Sheldon Cooper:
You do this and I erase all your contact information.

LeVar Burton:
While...

Sheldon Cooper:
While you watch me do it.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Well, that's it. That's the end of Roger Abbot.

Raj Koothrappali:
And we still don't know who framed him.

Sheldon Cooper:
I'd like to thank Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, who by the way is the first woman to host a flag-related web series.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Take that, glass ceiling.

Stuart:
Here, Sheldon, I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It's mind-blowing.

Sheldon Cooper:
Excuse me! Spoiler alert!

Stuart:
But I didn't spoil anything.

Sheldon Cooper:
You told me it's mind-blowing, so my mind is going into it pre-blown, and once a mind is *pre*-blown, it cannot be *re*-blown.

Stuart:
I'm sorry.

Sheldon Cooper:
Said the Grinch to Christmas.

Sheldon Cooper:
Excuse me, Stuart, have you read the new Flash?

Stuart:
No.

Sheldon Cooper:
Well, I have, and it will knock your socks off! Good luck getting them back on.

[first lines]

Sheldon Cooper:
Smell that? That's the smell of new comic books. [takes a deep breath] Oh, yes!

Howard Wolowitz:
They're on me today, boys.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
You're paying? Have you been selling your sperm again?

Leonard Hofstadter:
No, I'm celebrating. As we speak, the space shuttle is docking at the International Space Station, where it will deploy the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Waste Disposal System.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
Oh, get over yourself. It's a high-tech toilet.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Just think, thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go where no man has gone before.

Howard Wolowitz:
Is that supposed to be funny?

Sheldon Cooper:
I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double meaning of the verb "to go" suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing.

Howard Wolowitz:
Okay, make your little jokes. But of the four of us, I'm the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
He's right. This is an important achievement for two reasons: Number one, and of course, number two.

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
Interesting, Penny's current suitor asking advice from her former suitor.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Yeah, thanks for closed-captioning my pain, Raj.

Howard Wolowitz:
Hey, you wanna make sure he gets nowhere with Penny without jeopardizing your friendship with either of them?

Leonard Hofstadter:
I'm listening.

Howard Wolowitz:
Just tell him to do everything you've done with her for the last two years.

Sheldon Cooper:
You have to check your messages, Leonard! The leaving of a message is one half of a social contract, which is completed by the checking of the message! If that contract breaks down, then all social contracts break down, and we descend into anarchy!

Leonard Hofstadter:
It must be hell inside your head.

Sheldon Cooper:
At times.

Howard Wolowitz:
Here's an approximation of the spare parts available on the space station. We gotta find a way, using nothing but *this*, to reinforce this, so the waste material avoids the spinning turbine.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
You mean so it doesn't hit the fan?

Sheldon Cooper:
Yaeh, I have to say, I thought the toilet humor would get less funny with repetition.

[shakes his head]

Sheldon Cooper:
Apparently, there is no law of diminishing comedic returns with space poop.

[last lines]

[Howard's space toilet has supposedly been fixed]

Astronaut:
Houston, uh, International Space Station. We have a little situation up here. We'd like to make an unscheduled space walk.

Ground Controller:
ISS, Houston. Which crew members would be involved in this EVA?

Astronaut:
Houston, we'd *all* like to step outside for a few minutes.

Ground Controller:
ISS, I'm afraid we can't authorize that.

Astronaut:
Uh, Houston, this is more of an FYI call. We are basically out the door.

Penny:
He's very shy; how do I make him feel more comfortable around me?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Well, first of all, don't underestimate the value of discomfort.

Penny:
Really?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Yeah, Stuart thrives under pressure. That's why he works in a comic book store.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I deliberately tried to sabotage Stuart's date with Penny.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
Of course you feel terrible. You completely screwed up your karma, dude.

Sheldon Cooper:
You don't really believe in that superstition, do you?

Rajesh Koothrappali:
It's not superstition, it's practically Newtonian. For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. Leonard pretends to be a friend and acts like a two-faced b*tch. Therefore, he is reborn as a banana slug. It's actually a very elegant system. You know, what goes around comes around.

Howard Wolowitz:
[motions Raj to return to working on the space toilet] Speaking of what goes around comes around...

Howard Wolowitz:
Where you going?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Comic book store.

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, an excellent idea! I could certainly use a break.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
Me too.

Howard Wolowitz:
Now hold on, you guys can go to the comic book store when man can once again safely poop in space.

Sheldon Cooper:
Why does Leonard get to go?

Howard Wolowitz:
Because he's upset over his situation with Penny, and if I have to hear about it again I'm gonna kick him in his ovaries.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Thanks for understanding, Howard.

Howard Wolowitz:
I got your back, sister.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
If you really want to clean up your karma, go get my frickin' latte.

Penny:
What the hell is that?

Howard Wolowitz:
Meatloaf.

Leonard Hofstadter:
What was it doing on the ceiling?

Howard Wolowitz:
That's classified.

Howard Wolowitz:
Guys, we have a code red.

Sheldon Cooper:
You mean code red the hospital emergency alert, code red the computer worm, or Code Red the cherry flavored soft drink from the makers of Mountain Dew?

Howard Wolowitz:
Look, I was going over the schematics on my Zero-G toilet, and I made a teeny-tiny mistake on the specifications for the diverter valve.

Leonard Hofstadter:
How teeny-tiny?

Howard Wolowitz:
It's gonna fail after about ten flushes.

Sheldon Cooper:
But the mission is for six months.

Howard Wolowitz:
Yeah, see, that's the code red! It's kind of like a jack in the box. No one knows exactly when, but at some point, something way worse than a puppet is gonna pop out of that box.

Sheldon Cooper:
Have you notified NASA?

Howard Wolowitz:
No! You crazy? What am I gonna say, "I screwed up your toilet and pretty soon there's gonna be crap floating all over your nice shiny space station"?

Leonard Hofstadter:
What are you gonna do?

Howard Wolowitz:
I'm gonna figure out how to fix it, then I'll tell them.

Leonard Hofstadter:
So what do you need us for?

Rajesh Koothrappali:
He can't figure out how to fix it.

Howard Wolowitz:
Hey, you said you were gonna be supportive.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
I'm trying. But you have to admit, this is pretty damn funny!

Sheldon Cooper:
I think you're overestimating the tensile strength of the substructure you're building.

Howard Wolowitz:
Sheldon, I know what I'm doing.

Sheldon Cooper:
If you knew what you were doing, there wouldn't be a space toilet where my coffee table should be.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
Howard, wait. Why don't you use this instead of the PVC to keep the transverse filter assembly in place?

Howard Wolowitz:
Because this is not a spare part from the space station. This is the thing from the pizza box that keeps the lid from touching the cheese.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
Is that what that's for? In India, the lid just touches the cheese.

[turning to Sheldon]

Rajesh Koothrappali:
Of course, we also have rampant poverty and periodic outbreaks of cholera, so a little cardboard in our cheese is no biggie.

Sheldon Cooper:
I must say, Howard, I think a detailed letter to MIT describing your current circumstances might entitle you to a refund on your Master's degree.

Howard Wolowitz:
[on the phone with NASA] Yes, sir, I understand classified. We'll keep it all classified. No one has to know anything about this but you and me.

Penny:
What's classified?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Howard's space toilet. I'll tell you later.

Howard Wolowitz:
[hanging up and sitting down to eat] Well, they've deployed our solution; let's just all hope it works.

Sheldon Cooper:
I don't see why I have to worry. My career's not hanging in the balance.

[Sheldon smirks at Howard]

Sheldon Cooper:
That was a joke. It's funny because it's true.

Leonard Hofstadter:
No, no that's the past. I'm really more of a right now kind of guy. You know, living in the moment. Although I do have to live a little in the future, 'cause, well, that's my job. Of course, my fondness for classic science fiction does draw my attention backwards, but those stories often take place in the future. In conclusion, no, it doesn't bother me.

Leonard Hofstadter:
How do we catch it?

Howard Wolowitz:
What if we turn off all the lights except for one and it'll come to it?

Leonard Hofstadter:
It's not a moth!

[Opening lines]

Amy Farrah Fowler:
How are your parents doing, Raj?

Raj Koothrappali:
Not good. They hired attorneys to speak to each other.

Sheldon Cooper:
Speaking of attorneys, you know who I wouldn't hire to represent me in court? She-Hulk.

Penny:
You almost stayed in topic. Good for you.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Wait, She-Hulk is a lawyer?

Howard Wolowitz:
Yeah. She works at a lawfirm in New York.

Sheldon Cooper:
And she's the only monster in the firm. Between you, me and the walls, I think she was an affirmative action hire.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
I've always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas: parlor games, goose, and figgy pudding...

Sheldon Cooper:
Yuck! English pudding! You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I'm not going.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
You're going.

Sheldon Cooper:
Why do you hate me?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
I don't hate you, I love you.

Sheldon Cooper:
Well, you call it "love", but it has a lot of raisins in it.

Leonard Hofstadter:
You know what I love about the clean room? No allergies. [Takes deep breath] Whoa, that's a lot of oxygen.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
[Was singing to "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" when Sheldon turns off the radio] Why did you turn it off?

Sheldon Cooper:
Because in the last ten minutes, Santa Claus came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I have a drunk uncle who did all those things and no one sings songs about him.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Well, maybe it would help if you thought of him as a superhero whose superpower is bringing joy to children.

Sheldon Cooper:
My uncle did that too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.

Leonard Hofstadter:
You can't catch a pigeon with a Slim Jim and a garbage bag. [Pigeon dives in and takes the jerky off Leonard's hand]

Raj Koothrappali:
Should have put it in the bag, dude.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
I think the nicest gifts I've got from Howie show how well he knows me.

Sheldon Cooper:
Hm. Let's see. What do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature. Chaucer's her favorite. Her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she's playing along.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Wow. You really do love her.

Sheldon Cooper:
I do. Now, let's find the kind of gift that makes her feel small and worthless.

Santa:
Let me see if I got this straight. A picture of you on my lap is a way of punishing your girlfriend for making you celebrate Christmas?

Sheldon Cooper:
Correct.

Santa:
Santa thinks dating you is punishment enough.

Sheldon Cooper:
There's an argument for that, but I want to make sure.

Howard Wolowitz:
What are you guys doing here?

Leonard Hofstadter:
When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad's letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.

Howard Wolowitz:
Oh yeah, what's that?

Sheldon Cooper:
It's simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.

Penny:
We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.

Sheldon Cooper:
Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don't tell you which one it is, you will be forever in a state of epistemic ambivalence.

Penny:
Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not even do it.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Sit down, honey.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Raj, you're up.

Raj Koothrappali:
It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, The one where the frog had his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it's a fly. Silly frog. So funny.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Sheldon.

Sheldon Cooper:
It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-eyed Willy.

Howard Wolowitz:
That's fine. That's the plot for The Goonies.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Told you.

Sheldon Cooper:
Don't.

[first lines]

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Wha'cha doing?

Howard Wolowitz:
You said clean up. I'm cleaning up.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
You can't just throw everything in the closet.

Howard Wolowitz:
Hey, you can tell me what to do, or you can tell me how to do it, but you can't do both; this isn't sex.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
What if someone looks in there?

Howard Wolowitz:
They're just coming over for dinner. No-one's going to look in the closet.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
You don't know that. What if someone's looking for the bathroom and they open that door?

Howard Wolowitz:
Could work out. For all we know, there's a toilet in there somewhere.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Fine, but after tonight we need to get a handle on this mess.

Howard Wolowitz:
Y'know what we should do, we should show the closet to Sheldon.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Hm, why?

Howard Wolowitz:
Are you kidding? He's like a savant at organizing. Did you know *everything* in his apartment has a label on it. Including his label-maker which has a label that says 'label-maker'. And, if you look really close at that label-maker label, you'll see a label that says 'label'.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Can't do that. We can't just ask him to straighten our closet.

Howard Wolowitz:
No, we wouldn't *ask* him. We'd just show him the closet and let the goblins in his head take it from there.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Sheldon, I know tonight's the night you eat Thai food so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients, made it from scratch.

Sheldon Cooper:
Ohh, you shouldn't have.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Oh, it's my pleasure.

Sheldon Cooper:
No, you really shouldn't have. [holds up bag of takeout food] I brought my own.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
You stopped and got him takeout?

Leonard Hofstadter:
I had no choice. He kept kicking the back of my seat.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Sheldon, I've been cooking all day.

Sheldon Cooper:
Well, now don't you feel silly.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
[to Howard] Show him the closet!

Howard Wolowitz:
[looking at old family photos] Check out nine-year-old Howie with cornrows. Neither race was happy to see me with those.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
If you let me pierce your brain with a hot needle in the right place you'd be happy all the time.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Amy.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
You didn't know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.

Howard Wolowitz:
Really?

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, that's complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Penny.

Penny:
It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.

Sheldon Cooper:
I would like to change mine. The pirate's name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it's completely different from Goonies.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
No it's not.

Sheldon Cooper:
Don't.

Leonard Hofstadter:
OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.

Howard Wolowitz:
Hm.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Bernadette.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift.

[Howard gets up and walks away]

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
You okay?

Howard Wolowitz:
Yeah. I'm terrific.

Sheldon Cooper:
So? Which one do you think it is, matey?

Howard Wolowitz:
Actually I don't want to know. I want all of them to be true.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Well, one of them is.

Howard Wolowitz:
That is pretty cool. Thank you, guys.

Sheldon Cooper:
Surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn't the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette's diary has some saucy passages.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Sheldon, don't you dare!

Sheldon Cooper:
Well, yuh-yuh, there's nothing to worry about; your secret's safe with me.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
That's more like it.

Sheldon Cooper:
[to Howard] Although copyright law would allow me to quote snippets in the context of a review.

Sheldon Cooper:
Howard, do you want your clothes arranged seasonally, or by color?

Howard Wolowitz:
Color is fine.

Sheldon Cooper:
That's all wrong. I'm doing it seasonally.

Sheldon Cooper:
[Cleaning the lint trap on the laundry room drier] Yech! It's like cleaning the building's belly button.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
We need something from you.

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, dear. Momma told me this could happen to a young man in the big city.

Penny:
We need some information from you.

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, I've got that in spades. Ravage me away.

Howard Wolowitz:
It's kind of ridiculous having to walk all those flights of stairs.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Try doing it in heels.

Howard Wolowitz:
I am.

Raj Koothrappali:
Nice to see everyone dressed up.

Penny:
Well, this party is delightful.

Raj Koothrappali:
As is the company.

Sheldon Cooper:
This shirt is itchy and I wish I was dead.

[Sheldon is begging Leonard to let him stay and finish organizing Howard's closet]

Leonard Hofstadter:
Penny is already in the car... wait, I can go home without you? Bye!

Penny:
Sheldon, there are two dumplings left; do you want 'em?

Sheldon Cooper:
Dumplings! Don't you understand what's going on here?

Penny:
As a rule, no.

Raj Koothrappali:
This is creepy.

Howard Wolowitz:
Oh, I think we were looking at creepy in the rear-view mirror when I put up that camera.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
You know, Sheldon, sometimes people seek the comfort of physical contact in moments like this.

Sheldon Cooper:
[pause as he considers this] I am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug.

Howard Wolowitz:
"The key to her heart." Huh. That's nice. Were you quoting someone or is it tattooed on the small of your back?

Raj Koothrappali:
I was quoting a *man* who knows a thing or two about women. Sir Elton John.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
I'm pretty passionate about science. I remember the first time I looked through a microscope and saw millions of tiny microorganisms; it was like a whole other universe. If I wanted to I could wipe it out with my thumb like a god.

Lucy:
You're acting all weird, and I'm pretty weird so I think I know what I'm talking about.

[first lines]

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh dear! Penny, have you been recording shows on our DVR again?

Penny:
No.

Sheldon Cooper:
Answer honestly; this is not a trial. That'll come later.

Penny:
Absolutely not. [quietly to Leonard] Help me out here; I can't afford another demerit.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Uh, maybe we were hacked. You know, the Chinese have been hacking everything lately.

Sheldon Cooper:
Why would the Chinese make our DVR record 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?

Leonard Hofstadter:
I don't know... It's a fat guy on a Segway; that's funny everywhere.

Sheldon Cooper:
I'm deleting it.

Penny:
Well, hang on! Maybe the Chinese haven't finished watching it yet.

Howard Wolowitz:
Ready to go to lunch?

Raj Koothrappali:
Do you think I'm feminine?

Howard Wolowitz:
Yeah. Let's go.

Raj Koothrappali:
Thanks a lot.

Howard Wolowitz:
What's going on?

Raj Koothrappali:
I broke down, and I read Lucy's blog. And in one of the entries she said when we first met I struck her as a little feminine.

Howard Wolowitz:
Just a little? That's great!

Raj Koothrappali:
I have to talk to her about this.

Howard Wolowitz:
Ah, geez, why do you girls always want to talk about things?

Penny:
I've got you. I've got Sheldon. All these wonderful friends. My life is exciting right now.

Leonard Hofstadter:
It's a big deal.

Penny:
It is, isn't it?

Leonard Hofstadter:
So, does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows or get dressed up in matching costumes and go to Comic-con?

Penny:
Leonard, I had an epiphany, not a stroke

Penny:
So I was thinking about how excited you get about stuff like Buffy or science or which TV remote you and Sheldon should buy.

Leonard Hofstadter:
The Hominy one was fine. We didn't need to upgrade to the 1100 which he knows is too big for my hand.

Penny:
You see that's the kind of passion I didn't think I had. But then I realize I'm passionate about you.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Ahh, my cute little tushie strikes again.

Penny:
Well I'm serious .Look I always had these plans to be in the movies, to live this glamorous life and anything else in my life just wasn't worth getting excited about.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Well, those things can still happen.

Penny:
Oh, obviously it's going to happen. A psychic at a bachelorette party told me so. Anyway what I meant was I shouldn't wait. You know, I got you. I got Sheldon. These wonderful friends. My life is exciting right now.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Big deal.

Penny:
It is, isn't it?

Leonard Hofstadter:
So does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows or get dressed up in matching costumes and then go to Comic Con.

Penny:
Leonard, I had an epiphany; not a stroke.

Sheldon Cooper:
They can't just cancel a show like Alphas. You know, they have to help the viewers let go. Firefly did a movie to wrap things up. Buffy the Vampire Slayer continued on as a comic book. Heroes gradually lowered the quality season by season till we were grateful it ended.

Penny:
I feel sorry for whoever gets that phone call.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Don't be. If they didn't want to be yelled at by crazy nerds, they wouldn't have started a SyFy Channel.

Sheldon Cooper:
I do not have a compulsive need for closure.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Oh, really? [Knocks "Shave and a Haircut" on table]

Sheldon Cooper:
[after an awkward pause, knocks "Two Bits"] That proves nothing.

Sheldon Cooper:
You don't know what it feels like to feel completely frustrated, to have a desire built up and be denied any opportunity for release.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
[Gives Sheldon a death stare] Yeah, sounds like a drag.

Sheldon Cooper:
Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw; none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I'm about to win.

[Amy erases the game before Sheldon can finish]

Sheldon Cooper:
But we didn't finish.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Exactly. How does that make you feel?

Sheldon Cooper:
The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two, and then again and again 'till I have a handful of Sheldon face confetti.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
[Has a birthday cake prepared for Sheldon] Make a wish and blow out the candles. [Sheldon blows out the candles, but Amy blocks one with a paper plate] Oops, you missed one. Now your wish won't come true.

Sheldon Cooper:
Lucky for you, cause I wished you were dead.

Penny:
Sheldon, you big weirdo. I want you to know that I love you're in my life.

Sheldon Cooper:
[On the floor in ecstasy after undoing all of Amy's closure avoidance therapy] And I love you, too!

Howard Wolowitz:
I think you'll like this security system. High definition camera, twenty-four hour monitoring...

Raj Koothrappali:
Now I can watch over my little princess while I'm at work.

Howard Wolowitz:
Why can't you just watch porn like a regular guy?

Penny:
[about Buffy the Vampire Slayer] It reminded me of my high school, except instead of vampires we had meth-heads. But both came out at night and had messed up teeth.

Sheldon Cooper:
I must say, I was skeptical at first, but this turned out to be a transformative evening.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
I'm surprised of how positive you are.

Sheldon Cooper:
You're an excellent neuroscientist, a wonderful girlfriend, and...

Amy Farrah Fowler:
And?

Sheldon Cooper:
It hardly matters now, does it?

Amy Farrah Fowler:
I'm proud of you, Sheldon. [Leaves]

Sheldon Cooper:
[after closing the door] And a complete sucker!

Amy Farrah Fowler:
[heatedly] You don't know what it's like to feel completely frustrated. To have a - a desire build up within you and then be denied any opportunity for release.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
[sardonically] Yeah, sounds like a drag.

Leonard Hofstadter:
I think tonight was a very good start.

Leslie Winkle:
Me too. You're sure you're okay postponing intercourse until our relationship is past the initial viability test?

Leonard Hofstadter:
No problem, I'm very skilled at postponing intercourse.

Penny:
[as they are coming up the stairs]... no, it wasn't my cat. It was an experiment designed by this guy named Schrodinger.

Eric:
From the Charlie Brown cartoons?

Penny:
No, he was some kind of scientist. Let me start again. Y - [sees Leonard] Oh, hey Leonard!

Sheldon Cooper:
I'm sorry, I am not going back to the renaissance fair.

Howard Wolowitz:
Come on, Sheldon, there are so few places I can wear my jester costume.

Sheldon Cooper:
I don't care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet very similar to Earth in the fifteen hundreds.

Sheldon Cooper:
You mean like Spock?

Rajesh Koothrappali:
[shrugs] Sure.

Sheldon Cooper:
Fascinating.

Sheldon Cooper:
If you're having trouble deciding where to sit, may I suggest "One Potato, Two Potato." Or as I call it, the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.

Howard Wolowitz:
Renaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy. They're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinkos and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says "howdy".

Sheldon Cooper:
Bosoms would not have said "howdy" in the Fifteenth Century. If anything, they would have said "Huzzah!"

Howard Wolowitz:
I don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon. I just want to be part of the conversation.

Leslie Winkle:
Hello, dummy.

Sheldon Cooper:
Hello to you, insufficiently intelligent person.

Leslie Winkle:
Ooh, rush me to the burn unit.

Penny:
Why don't you go to a movie?

Sheldon Cooper:
Alone?

Penny:
Yeah.

Sheldon Cooper:
What if I choke on my popcorn? Who will administer the Heimlich manuver?

Penny:
So, don't buy popcorn.

Sheldon Cooper:
No popcorn at the mo - listen to yourself!

Sheldon Cooper:
Everybody's got a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing? I'm just enabling you.

Sheldon Cooper:
My God, they can't expect to put Ye Olde in front of anything they want and get away with it.

Howard Wolowitz:
Penny with her new boyfriend. Tres awkward.

Leonard Hofstadter:
It's not awkward. It's not fun...

Leonard Hofstadter:
I'm glad Penny's dating. Now I can really let loose.

Howard Wolowitz:
You were holding back?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Out of courtesy, yes.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
What about the ten years before Penny.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Hey, I've date plenty of women.

Howard Wolowitz:
Like who?

Leonard Hofstadter:
Well, there's Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle...

[pause]

Sheldon Cooper:
Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary: the word "plenty" has been redefined to mean "two".

Sheldon Cooper:
You know how I can tell we're not in the Matrix?

Leonard Hofstadter:
How?

Sheldon Cooper:
If we were, the food would be better.

Sheldon Cooper:
Look on the bright side.

Leonard Hofstadter:
What bright side?

Sheldon Cooper:
Only nine more months until ComicCon.

Leonard Hofstadter:
[smiling] Oh, yeah.

Sheldon Cooper:
[Referring to their Renaissance Fair costumes] I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.

Leonard Hofstadter:
You went out and bought linen?

Sheldon Cooper:
Don't be silly. I borrowed one of your pillowcases.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Borrowed?

Rajesh Koothrappali:
What happens in costume at Comicon stays at Comicon!

Howard Wolowitz:
You're only saying that because of what happened to you.

Leonard Hofstadter:
What happened to you?

Rajesh Koothrappali:
Nothing happened to me.

Howard Wolowitz:
It's not your fault, Raj. He was dressed as a green Orion slave girl.

Rajesh Koothrappali:
I think she's smoking hot.

Howard Wolowitz:
I'd hit that!

Sheldon Cooper:
You'd hit particulate soil on a colloidal suspension. [Wolowitz looks at him for clarification] Mud.

Leslie Winkle:
So, I heard your relationship with Penny crashed to the ground like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Where did you hear that?

Leslie Winkle:
Actually I read it: Wolowitz texted me.

Leonard Hofstadter:
[Reading her phone]... like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory. Yep!

Leslie Winkle:
I thought it was pretty a good one. I gave him an "LOL."

Leonard Hofstadter:
[Referring to their upcoming date] How do you suggest we proceed?

Leslie Winkle:
Your place. We'll order Chinese, you'll rent a movie - artsy but accessible - then light petting, no coitus.

Leonard Hofstadter:
Sounds fun...

Leslie Winkle:
I'll leave the details up to you. I think it's better if you assume the male role.

Leonard Hofstadter:
[wants Sheldon to leave because he has a date] Nevertheless I have one now, and I'd appreciate it if you'd, you know, make yourself scarce.

Sheldon Cooper:
Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can't be accurately be measured by normal tests. How much scarcer could I be?

Sheldon Cooper:
If Leonard is really my friend, why doesn't he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?

Penny:
Because love trumps hate.

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, now you're just making stuff up!

Sheldon Cooper:
Oh, Mario. How I wish I could control everyone the way I can with you?

[Presses buttons frantically]

Sheldon Cooper:
Hop, you little plumber! Hop, hop, hop!

Penny:
Why don't you see a movie or something?

Sheldon:
Alone?

Penny:
Yeah, why not?

Sheldon:
What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich maneuver?

Penny:
Well, then don't order popcorn.

Sheldon:
No popcorn at the movies? Listen to yourself.

Sheldon Cooper:
Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch-enemy.

Penny:
Your arch-enemy?

Sheldon Cooper:
Yes, the Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic, the Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man, the Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel...

Penny:
Okay, I get it, I get it!

Sheldon Cooper:
You know, it's amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees.

Sheldon:
Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?

Leonard Hofstadter:
What's so unusual about me having a date?

Sheldon:
Well, statistically speaking...

Leonard Hofstadter:
All right, all right! Nevertheless, I have one now and I'd appreciate it if, you know, made yourself scarce.