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[about men] They're either married or gay. And if they're not gay, they've just broken up with the most wonderful woman in the world, or they've just broken up with a bitch who looks exactly like me. They're in transition from a monogamous relationship and they need more space. Or they're tired of space, but they just can't commit. Or they want to commit, but they're afraid to get close. They want to get close, you don't want to get near them.
There's some asshole at work you have to kowtow to, and you find yourself doing things you thought you'd never do. But you try and minimize that stuff; be the best person you can be. But you set your priorities. And that's the way life is. I wonder if your friend Alex knew that. One thing's for sure, he couldn't live with it. I know I shouldn't talk; you guys knew him. But the thing is... no one ever said it would be fun. At least... no one ever said it to me.
They're either married or gay. And if they're not gay, they've just broken up with the most wonderful woman in the world, or they've just broken up with a bitch who looks exactly like me. They're in transition from a monogamous relationship and they need more space. Or they're tired of space, but they just can't commit. Or they want to commit, but they're afraid to get close. They want to get close, and you don't want to get near them.
It can't be that bad.
I don't know. I'm goin' easy. I've been out there dating for twenty years. I've gotten where I can tell in the first fifteen seconds if there's a chance in the world.
Well, at least you're giving them a fair shot.
Yeah, that's easy for you to say. Married to Harold, the perfect man. I don't know. Sometimes, I think I don't even want a man anymore. So here I sit on my ticking biological clock, and the only thing I've known in my entire life is that I want to have a child. Don't remind me. This probably was the right thing to do at the time.
So, what do ya do?
I'm gonna have a baby.
Now, I've been taking my temperature and I know I'm ovulating right now. The ground is ready. I just need someone to plant the seed.
Yeah, but who's gonna be the lucky farmer?
These are the best guys I know. My favorite men in the world. Unfortunately, Nick, as I discover I'm the last to know, is no longer a candidate. Michael's a possibility, but considering everything, I think a fall-back position...So that leaves Sam...
Have you discussed this with Sam, or are you just gonna plan a surprise attack?
Why should he have a problem with it? I mean there won't be any obligations. I love him as a friend. I assume he loves me. He'd do anything for me.
You know, somehow, I feel it isn't quite this simple. You know, for one thing, it doesn't always happen the first time.
That's not what they told us in high school.
Hey, Nick? You know, we go back a long way, and I'm not gonna piss that away 'cause you're higher than a kite.
Wrong, a long time ago we knew each other for a short period of time; you don't know anything about me. It was easy back then. No one had a cushier berth than we did. It's not surprising our friendship could survive that. It's only out there in the real world that it gets tough.
I know this is hard but it's all beautiful.
Yeah we put on a great funeral here.
[sarcastically] Yeah, maybe I'll have mine here.
We give first priority to people who kill themselves in one of our bathrooms.
[the three stop smiling]
That was a terrible thing to say... I don't know why I said that.
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