The Fan

Gil Renard:
Don't you talk back to me! You show me some respect! Without people like me, you're nothing! We're the ones that get you your 40 f***in' million!

Bobby Rayburn:
Look, what do you want?

Gil Renard:
What do I want? I want every time they think of you, they're gonna think of me.

Bobby Rayburn:
No, no, don't shoot! He's got my son!

Gil Renard:
Bobby, now do you care? BOBBY! NOW DO YOU CARE? Just a little bit?

Gil Renard:
Lucky tie, Lucky Guy!

Gil Renard:
What's your f***in' problem? Yo'ld busybody!

Gil Renard:
A simple thank you would have been nice.

Lanz:
Now we all get to wear the number, man.

Gil Renard:
You sure I can't interest you in any of this?

Jefferson Sporting Goods Clerk:
You got any kayaks?

Gil Renard:
You gotta be outta' your f***in' mind, "kayaks"?

Jefferson Sporting Goods Clerk:
I could use kayaks.

Gil Renard:
Stanley, what the f*** do kayaks have to do with knives?

Jefferson Sporting Goods Clerk:
Never mind.

Gil Renard:
You f***in' a**hole, "kayaks" you're asking me about, when I'm asking you about knives?

Jefferson Sporting Goods Clerk:
Yeah. Ok, I understand, sir. Thank you for coming in.

Gil Renard:
How about you take some kayaks and stick 'em up your f***in' ass, ya moron.

Manny:
[refusing Jewel an interview with Bobby] He'd rather nail his penis to a burning building!

Juan Primo:
I hope you like it in center field.

Bobby Rayburn:
I hope you like it in left.

Gil Renard:
I never got to show you my best pitch.

[first lines]

Gil Renard:
[voiceover] Excited and anxious I await my dream / To escape, applaud, and embrace my team.

[last lines]

Bobby Rayburn:
I got him! I got him!

Manny:
Well, well, well, if it isn't Jewel, my favorite token female sports reporter!

Jewel Stern:
Blow me, Manny!

Manny:
Yeah, I would, but you haven't had all your shots, baby.

Gil Renard:
[listening to a Rolling Stones song on the car radio] I remember when Mick recorded this in '78. We had a wild party afterwards.

Richie Renard:
Jason Pelligrino's dad says Mick Jagger's gay.

Gil Renard:
[angrily] Well, Jason Pelligrino's dad takes it up the ass!

Manny:
[talking to an injured Bobby] Listen to me, you gotta come out, OK?

Bobby Rayburn:
I can't come out on account of you. I gotta be Babe f***in' Ruth!

Manny:
It's William f***in' Bendix! Get it right!

Garrity:
I want your reorder book. Outstanding commissions will be forwarded.

Gil Renard:
[Gil realizes he has just been fired. He does a slow take] Humph! My father started this business.

Garrity:
Look, perfection and principles, they don't belong in business, not now or then. As a friend of your father's...

Gil Renard:
[angrily] 'As a friend of my father's'? Keep your mouth shut! You know nothing about my father! [he sits] He made this business!

Garrity:
Your father made beautiful knives. San Francisco made this business.

Gil Renard:
Yeah, by ripping him off!

Garrity:
He wasn't a business man, Gil... and neither are you... That's the bottom line.

Doctor:
[voice on the radio]... and so in a Freudian sense, Jewel, the catcher is the father, and the son is the pitcher.

Jewel Stern:
[voice on the radio] Wow, that's fascinating, Doc. Let me ask you a question. What does that bat and ball represent?

Doctor:
Well, the the bat speaks for itself, of course, and the ball is the ejaculate.

Jewel Stern:
[in a dismissive tone] Well, thanks for calling, Doc. Who do we have on Line Two, Bernie?

Richie Renard:
Dad, you better go.

Gil Renard:
Don't swing at anything! Wait for a good one. Step on the eggshell; squash the bug!

Leon, the Bartender:
[in reference to Bobby Rayburn] What a waste of space!

Gil Renard:
What do you mean, 'A waste of space'? He hit a bad patch. We all hit bad patches, don't we? Why, you never hit a bad patch?

Leon, the Bartender:
[sarcastically] No, this is my dream job.

Bobby Rayburn:
My season is like a bad freeway accident, and you guys are just slowing down to watch.

Bobby Rayburn:
At least you're not one of those diehard, you know, baseball fans, you know, really.

Gil Renard:
Why's that?

Bobby Rayburn:
Because those guys are losers.

Gil Renard:
Aren't the fans what it's all about?

Bobby Rayburn:
Sheee-it! I'll tell you something, man, the fans are like women. When you're hitting, they love you, and when you're not, they just as soon spit on you as look at you!

Gil Renard:
Why is that?

Bobby Rayburn:
Because they don't know whether you're the same person when you're hitting or not.

Bobby Rayburn:
I mean, come on, let's be real here, you know. What are we doin'? We're not curin' cancer, you know. We're playin' a game. That's all it is - just a game!

Gil Renard:
I'm serious as a heart attack, Bobby!

Gil Renard:
We could've been teammates. We were teammates. Man, we could've made it to the Bigs.

Coop:
It was Little League! We were 12 years old!

Coop:
No one calls me Coop anymore, you sick son of a b*tch.

Gil Renard:
Don't get greedy, son. Don't get greedy. What we need now is a sacrifice. A winning team has to know how to manufacture runs. Coop taught me that. He used to say the most beautiful play in the game is a sacrifice fly, and you know why?

Richie Renard:
'Cause you give yourself up for the team?

Gil Renard:
And it doesn't even count against your average. That's why baseball's better than life - it's fair.

Bobby Rayburn:
You like baseball?

Gil Renard:
Well I'm not obsessed with it or anything...

[repeated line]

Gil Renard:
Let's play some f***ing baseball!

Gil Renard:
[showing a customer his different sized knives] Big motherf***er. Little motherf***er. Which motherf***er do you want?

Bobby Rayburn:
I'm just saying, there's more to life than baseball.

Gil Renard:
[before throwing the ball hard in Bobby's direction] Like what? Like your house? Like your big ass car? Your forty f***ing million?

Gil Renard:
You f*** with me, I'll send your head into the outfield!

Bobby Rayburn:
You're walking me?

Catcher:
Consider it a compliment, d*ckhead.

Jewel Stern:
You got Bobby Rayburn on the line yet?

[Technician shakes his head no]

Jewel Stern:
Who the f*** does this guy think he is?

Broadcast Technician:
Three time National League MVP?

Jewel Stern:
And that gives him the right to f*** up my show?

Manny:
[on the other side] Hello, I've got Rayburn on the line here.

Broadcast Technician:
We got him, and go.