The Gamers: Dorkness Rising

Daphne:
You raised our dinner from the dead!

Joanna:
What's with the pirates?

Lodge:
Everything's better with pirates!

Brother Silence:
As if killing the bard impresses us.

Lodge:
I've got a new villain lined up. Got it from a friend. Sort of a ninja-swashbuckler... the Shadow.

Joanna:
[surprised] The Shadow?

Gary:
[confused] The Shadow?

Mark:
[scared] The Shadow?

[Mark runs off screaming]

Flynn the Fine:
[singing] Dear Goblin friends, dear Goblin friends, please hear my song...

[Flynn gets shot with arrows by the Goblins]

Lodge:
[rolls] Yeah. Yeah, you're dead.

Gary:
[holds stopwatch] At 29 minutes, 42 seconds. New personal best, Leo.

Leo:
There are so many places I could put that stopwatch!

Brother Silence:
He who stumbles around in darkness with a stick is blind. But he who... sticks out in darkness... is... fluorescent!

[beat]

Lodge:
Lose fifty experience.

Daphne:
What did the barmaid say?

Flynn the Fine:
"Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh gods, yes."

Daphne:
About Mort Kemnon, dumbass?

Gary:
So, how much experience do I get for the peasant?

Luster (male):
[after accidently killing Flynn] So, how much experience do I get for the bard?

[Leo's employees are writing numerous copies of his character sheet]

Game Store Employee:
How many of these do you actually need?

Leo:
Let me answer that with another question: shut up!

Game Store Customer:
[to employee] Your boss is a dick!

Brother Silence:
Only in concealing one's identity, can one truly be known.

Brother Silence:
The four elements, like man alone, are weak. But together they form the strong fifth element: boron.

Brother Silence:
And now begins the killing. Nodwick, wait here until we return.

Nodwick:
Heard *that* before.

Gary:
[voice-over] What is that?

Lodge:
[voice-over] The Heart of Therin. Legend has it the gem is composed of solid light.

Gary:
[voice-over] Can I steal it?

Lodge:
[voice-over] Well, considering it is one of the holiest symbols of the church and that the cathedral is swarming with paladins, that would most likely be suicide. Go right ahead.

Flynn the Fine:
[singing] Shut up, dear peasant, rest your head. Or I'll have the sorceress kill your ass dead.

Flynn the Fine:
What is that heavenly music?

Priestess:
The Hymn to Therin. It calls to our goddess.

Leo:
[voice-over] I seduce the priestess!

Lodge:
[voice-over] She's taken a vow of celibacy!

Leo:
[voice-over] Dude, 20 ranks in seduction!

Flynn the Fine:
[to priestess] Hey, baby. Wanna tune my mandolin?

[rolls and the priestess and Flynn leave the room]

Daphne:
[to Hierophant] Please understand the horny Bard does not represent us.

Lodge:
Hey, Mitch.

Mitch:
[drunkenly] Hey.

Lodge:
Did you let the cat in?

Mitch:
We have a cat?

[after donning the Mask of Death, Mort Kemnon easily brushes off the party's attacks]

Mort Kemnon:
Surely you can do better.

Brother Silence:
As you wish.

[Brother Silence suddenly pulls out a shotgun and c*cks it]

Lodge:
[voice-over] What the fu-!

Cass:
[voice-over] It's from the trunk.

Flynn the Fine:
Watch out for Rennard! He'll backstab you! [Flynn gets backstabbed by Rennard] Oh, just like that.

Luster (male):
If this is about that farmer, I totally thought he was a demon.

Flynn the Fine:
[as he is taken away by zombies] There's thirty-seven more of me, a**hole!

Leo:
[playing a board game] Take that, Jesus! Who's the Messiah now?

The Inquisitor:
Hail, Flynn the Fine.

Flynn the Fine:
Hail, random creepy knight guy.

Lodge:
[voice-over] Dumbass, bardic knowledge.

Flynn the Fine:
Oh, yeah, right! You are totally...

Lodge:
[voice-over] The Lord High Inquisitor...

Flynn the Fine:
The Lord High Inquisitor...

Lodge:
[voice-over]... of the Grand Illuminated Holy Order of Therin.

Flynn the Fine:
[pause] What he said! Hail.

Gary:
I'm a wild mage. WILD! But you losers can call me "sorceress". That's right. I'm playing a chick.

Leo:
Dude, you hot?

Gary:
Seventeen charisma.

Leo:
Wanna have sex?

Gary:
Totally.

Leo:
Great! I seduce him, uh her. [Leo rolls his die] Yes! I can totally seduce any homophobe with that roll!

Lodge:
We *haven't* started yet. You guys *haven't* met!

Lodge:
I am never gonna finish this frecking module!

Mark:
Party die again?

Lodge:
They don't try anything new and then they blame *me* when they die. Ungrateful munchkins. I'm really kinda pissed off.

Mark:
This has nothing to do with your writer's block.

Lodge:
I do not have writer's block! I know exactly how the story ends. I just... don't know how to get there.

Mark:
Obviously neither do your players.

Lodge:
How am I supposed to write a module based on an adventure if we *never* finish the adventure?

Mark:
Just run 'em through it until they win... or your head explodes.

Lodge:
[sigh] We're gonna start all over again once we have a few more players.

[pause]

Lodge:
Mark! Why don't you join? You used to game all the time in college.

Mark:
I haven't gamed since... the Incident.

Lodge:
[confused] Total party wipeout?

Mark:
Like you can't even imagine.

Lodge:
[Cass walks up] Hey, Cass.

Cass:
Lodge. Mark! Haven't seen you in a long time. It's like I forget you even exist.

Mark:
Yeah, I get that a lot.

Luster (male):
You know, you're unlike any other woman I've ever met.

Daphne:
Right back at ya.

Luster (male):
So fast, so strong. Like steel wrapped in silk. A man could lose himself in those eyes.

Daphne:
A *man* could, yes, but apparently I must remind you that you're a woman.

Luster:
[pause]... of course I am. I don't suppose you'd be interested in a little girl-on-girl ac...

Daphne:
[grabs Luster's arm and puts it in a hold] You don't *really* want to finish that thought, do you?

Luster:
I'll take that as a 'no.'

Daphne:
Good girl.

Sir Osric:
What do you have against peasants, murderous trollop?

Luster:
Just a general, all-purpose loathing.

Luster:
This flask is now full of holy water. Tell us what we want to know... or I'll give you a bath!

Drazuul:
Your threat's empty. A paladin cannot stand by while torture takes place.

[Luster looks over at Sir Osric]

Sir Osric:
[sighs] My, what fine yet rustic architecture. I think I will examine it more closely.

[after Sir Osric has looked away so Drazuul could be tortured]

Flynn the Fine:
Total waffle for the paladin!

Sir Osric:
[sad] I feel dirty.

Lodge:
You can't use a lightsaber! It... it's not even the right system!

Cass:
I see no lightsaber. That would be a copyright infringement. I see a psionic spirit blade.

Lodge:
You do not have my permission to use that in my campaign!

Cass:
Fine! Then you do not have *my* permission to use *my* old character!

Lodge:
[narrating] Flynn is alone with the Grimmoire.

Leo:
I stab it! Wait! I BACKSTAB it!

Cass:
Good call.

Lodge:
Y-y-you can't backstab it! You can't *sneak-attack* an inanimate object!

Leo:
Why not? It's PRONE!

Lodge:
It doesn't have a discernible anatomy!

Leo:
It's got a SPINE! Doesn't it?

[Leo rolls a fumble, causing Flynn to stab himself]

Leo:
[in shock] Bards suck.

Lodge:
That... was unprecedented, Leo.

Cass:
[as Silence and Luster are being taken by a Death Demon] Why don't I get a save?

Lodge:
It's a Death Demon. It's fear aura is too strong. You *can't* roll a successful save.

Cass:
Incorrect.

Lodge:
What's your willpower save?

Cass:
Plue nine.

Lodge:
The DC to beat his aura is 32. You would need to role a 23, on a twenty-sided die in order to succeed. Now, I don't have a math degree. But that's impossible.

Cass:
[holds up his d20] A natural twenty is an automatic success no matter the circumstances.

Lodge:
You still have only a five percent chance of rolling that twenty.

Cass:
Can I make the roll? I mean it's in the rules. Or is it okay if we play by the rules?

[Cass rolls his d20 and it lands on a one:
automatic failure]

Lodge:
Ooooooohhh! Oh, fumble! That means you're *completely* compelled and *I* get to control your character until you snap out of it!

[Cass angrily gives Lodge his character sheet]

Lodge:
Since we're playing by the rules, I know you don't mind.

Cass:
Oh, shut up, Kevin.

Cass:
You could have been a GOD! I know MORMONS who would KILL for that!

Mort Kemnon:
[after the Grimoire is destroyed and Brother Silence throws some dynamite to Mort Kemnon] You really think you have defeated me?

Luster:
You did just explode.

Brother Silence:
Twice, actually.

Joanna:
[after Drazuul moves after Luster's announcement of spell] What happened to the spell?

Gary:
No good, Drazuul moves before me, blast me unless I have a barricade or something...

Leo:
[Leo looks up with great purpose and realization] Hide behind the pile of dead bards.

[repeated line]

Luster:
I'm not evil! I'm chaotic neutral!