The Heartbreak Kid

Martin:
I smell something weird down here. Smells like ya'll been hitting the Devil's lettuce.

Eddie Cantrow:
This is my dad.

Lila:
Oh, hi Dad.

Doc:
Nice to meet you, Lila.

Lila:
How do you know my name?

Doc:
Okay, cat's out of the bag. My son found your panties on the sidewalk and we've been talking about you all week. Eddie, give her back her undies.

Doc:
Now listen to me and listen to me good! When your wife, on her honeymoon, asks you to cock her, you cock her good, God damn it!

Mac:
Happy wife, happy life!

Doc:
So, what's new Eddie? Anything exciting?

Eddie Cantrow:
Ah, yeah, we just got those new Nike Sasquatch drivers in the store, so that's been kind of cool.

Doc:
Let me rephrase the question. You been crushin' any p*ssy?

[last lines]

Eddie Cantrow:
F*** me.

Martin:
Miranda, we are ready to play parcheesi!

Lila:
I wouldn't change a darn thing because it made me who I am today, and do you know who I am today?

Eddie Cantrow:
Who are you.

Lila:
I'm Mrs. Edmond Cantrow.

Eddie Cantrow:
Edward.

Lila:
Edward? You didn't tell me that!

Lila:
Oh Grouchy Marx, calm down.

Eddie Cantrow:
Oh, excuse me.

Flamboyant Man:
Yeah.

Eddie Cantrow:
Hey, are you running this whole thing?

Flamboyant Man:
Oh. Sure. Walk up to the first homo you see and assume he's the wedding coordinator, right? Nice.

Eddie Cantrow:
No, no. I didn't - I didn't mean that.

Flamboyant Man:
Nice stereotype, buddy. Nice.

[the obviously gay wedding coordinator walks up to them]

Wedding Coordinator:
[in a sing-song voice] Did I hear someone say "wedding coordinator"? That would be *moi*! [simpering] How can I help you?

[after a pause, the flamboyant man simply walks away]

10 Year Old Girl:
Are you like a widow or something?

Eddie Cantrow:
Yeah, I'm a widow. Yeah.

10 Year Old Girl:
Sorry.

12 Year Old Twin:
He's full of it. He's gay.

Eddie Cantrow:
No. I'm not gay.

12 Year Old Twin:
Let's play 5 in 5 then.

Eddie Cantrow:
What is that?

12 Year Old Twin:
It's where I ask you 5 questions in 5 seconds. If you're telling the truth, then you shouldn't have to think.

Eddie Cantrow:
[shrugs] Yeah, I don't wanna play your game, sorry.

12 Year Old Twin:
Quick - how'd your wife die?

Eddie Cantrow:
Murdered.

12 Year Old Twin:
How?

Eddie Cantrow:
Icepick.

12 Year Old Twin:
They get the guy?

Eddie Cantrow:
Yeah.

12 Year Old Twin:
What was his name?

Eddie Cantrow:
Ronald.

12 Year Old Twin:
Brad Pitt. Russell Crowe. Who's hotter?

Eddie Cantrow:
Brad Pitt.

12 Year Old Twin, 12 Year Old Twin:
[point and laugh victoriously]

Eddie Cantrow:
No no, no, I thought you meant who's hotter career-wise...

Doc:
Come on, kid, let's get out of here. B*tches be crazy, you know that.

Eddie Cantrow:
Hey, Martin!

Martin:
Hello, a**hole.

Eddie Cantrow:
Great to see you too!

Eddie Cantrow:
[to the 12 Year Old Twins] You know what? Why don't you take your little Human Genome Project and hit the road. Homophobic hobbits.

Eddie Cantrow:
You're in debt? What kind of debt?

Lila:
You know, the kind where you owe a lot of money to people.

Lila:
F*** me like a black guy, Eddie, come on!

Eddie Cantrow:
I love sports. In fact, I even lost my virginity on a baseball diamond.

Buzz:
Oh, you're too much. Really?

Eddie Cantrow:
Yeah, yeah. A couple of the older kids pushed down and - [growls]

[everyone stops laughing]

Eddie Cantrow:
It was not pretty.

[pause]

Gayla:
Did you file charges?

Eddie Cantrow:
No, I...

Miranda:
He was making a joke, Gayla.

Deborah:
About anal rape...?

Eddie Cantrow:
[about Lila] She doesn't have a great sense of humor.

Doc:
Are you out of your mind? Funny's a male gene, you idiot. Haven't you ever noticed whenever you see a really funny girl, she's a little mannish? Think about it. Lily Tomlin, Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O'Donnell...

Mac:
Oh, I got a thing for Ellen DeGeneres though. I do, I have to admit it. I think she's great, I think she's hot. Great ass. Check it out.

Eddie Cantrow:
Hey, uh, do you think you could tell me where I could find Uncle Tito?

Tito:
Yes. Uh, may I ask who's inquiring?

Eddie Cantrow:
Yeah, my name's Eddie Cantrow and I'm a friend of a friend of his. I'm supposed to give him something.

Tito:
I'm sorry to tell you this, but he no longer works here. He's actually in jail, serving six to ten years. He was caught having cock-fights. And I'm not speaking about the kind of rooster.

Eddie Cantrow:
Oh.

Tito:
Screw off! I'm joking, man! C'mon! I am Uncle Tito.

[repeated line]

Tito:
Screw off! I'm joking, man!

Mac:
Look, you want to know the secret to a happy marriage? Do what I do. Plaster on a fake smile, plow through the next half century, sit back, relax, and wait for the sweet embrace of death!

Doc:
Remember, this is the Bible Belt. These people have guns.

Tito:
Eddie, What are you doing?

Eddie Cantrow:
I'm just hanging with my brother, My brother Manuel.

Tito:
Eddie, People are looking for you ah! Your father keeps calling, And The Mac is trying to track you down. And what I supposed to tell the American girl... The... Miranda? What do I tell her?

Eddie Cantrow:
Miranda?

Tito:
Yes, Her family flew home, But she didn't! And she's been everywhere searching for you!

Eddie Cantrow:
[With a smile] She Has?

Tito:
[laughing] Screw off! I'm joking man! That chick run for the hills! You should seen your face! You were so happy for a moment, You were like ha! I can't believe I got you again!