The Lego Batman Movie

Joker:
I’m afraid Captain Dale had to bail! I’m your new co-pilot! And I always come to work... with a smile!

(Pilot Billson stares unimpressed)

Jokers:
... You should be terrified.

Pilot Billson:
Why?

Jokers:
Because... I will be taking over the city!

Pilot Billson:
Mmm...

Jokers:
What?

Pilot Billson:
Batman will stop you.

Jokers:
Pffft!

Pilot Billson:
He always stops you.

Joker:
No he doesn’t!

Pilot Bill:
Like that time with the two boats?

Joker:
This is better than the two boats.

Pilot Bill:
Mmm.

Joker:
Well, tonight is going to be different! Tonight is my greatest plan yet! And trust me, Batman’s never gonna see it coming.

Pilot Bill:
Like that time with the parade and the Prince music?

Joker:
Hey, quiet!

Joker:
Your city is under attack by Gotham’s greatest criminal masterminds! Including... Riddler! Scarecrow! Bane! Two-Face! Catwoman! Ands let's not forget Clayface! Poison Ivy! Mr. Freeze! Penguin! Crazy Quilt! Eraser! Mime! Tarantula! King Tut! Orca! Killer Moth! March Hares! Zodiac Master! Gentleman Ghost! Clock King! Calendar Man! Kite Man! Catman! Zebra-man! And the Condiment King!

Pilot Bill:
… Okay, are you making some of these up?

Joker:
Nope, they’re all real! Probably worth a Google.

Joker:
Okay, look, I-I'm fine with you fighting other people if you wanna do that, but what we have is special. So when people ask you who's your number one bad guy, you say...

Batman:
Superman.

Joker:
Are you seriously saying that there's nothing, nothing special about our relationship?!

Batman:
Whoa! Let me tell you something, J-Bird. Batman doesn't do ships.

Joker:
What?

Batman:
As in relationships. There is no us. Batman and Joker are not a thing. (Joker's face is slowly saddening) I don't need you. I don't need anyone. You mean nothing to me. (Joker becomes heartbroken for a long pause) No one does.

'Puter:
What is the password?

Batman:
Iron Man sucks!

Alfred:
Were you looking at the old family pictures again?

Batman:
At the what? The old family... Oh, yes! I see what you mean. Look at that! The old gang. Yeah. No, I wasn't.

Alfred:
I see. Sir, if you don't mind my saying, I'm a little concerned. I've seen you go through similar phases in 2016 and 2012 and 2008 and 2005 and 1997 and 1995 and 1992 and 1989 and that weird one in 1966. Do you want to talk about how you're feeling right now?

Batman:
I don't talk about feelings, Alfred. I don't have any, I've never seen one. I'm a night-stalking, crime-fighting vigilante, and a heavy metal rapping machine. I don't feel anything emotionally, except for rage. 24/7, 365, at a million percent. And if you think that there's something behind that, then you're crazy. Good night, Alfred.

Alfred:
Sir, it's morning. [clicks the remote, opening the curtains; the sunlight shines through the windows. Batman cringes]

Batman:
Hiss! The sun!

Alfred:
Master Bruce, you live on an island figuratively and literally.

Batman:
Yeah, I love it.

Alfred:
You can't spend the rest of your life alone dressed in black, listening to angry music, and staying up all night.

Batman:
Yes I can. 'Cause I'm Batman.

Alfred:
But don't you think it's time you finally faced your biggest fear?

Batman:
Snakes?

Alfred:
No.

Batman:
Clowns?

Alfred:
No.

Batman:
Snake-clowns?

Alfred:
Bruce, listen. Your greatest fear is being a part of a family again.

[Batman looks at the family pictures]

Batman:
Nope, now it's Snake-clowns, because you put that idea in my head.

Alfred:
Sir-

Batman:
Time for push-ups! One! Two! I'm going to a thousand.

Alfred:
I'm afraid that's not possible, sir.

Batman:
It is possible. I'm already at twenty.

Alfred:
You're scheduled to go to Jim Gordon's retirement party this evening.

Batman:
What? No! I don't wanna do that!

Alfred:
You're going to have a good time.

Batman:
No, no, no, no!

Alfred:
You might meet some new people.

Batman:
No, no, no, no!

Alfred:
Even make some new friends.

Batman:
No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! (To the tune of the Adam West theme song) No-no, no-no, no-no, no-no! (Beatboxes) NO!

Alfred:
And before you go, we could do your favourite thing.

Batman:
Tuxedo dress-up party!

Robin:
My name's Richard Grayson, but the kids at the orphanage call me Dick.

Bruce Wayne:
Well, children can be cruel.

Barbara:
It is my dream for the Police Force to someday team up with Batman!

Bruce Wayne:
I hate everything you just said.

Barbara:
Batman has been on the job for a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, long time.

Bruce Wayne:
He has aged phenomenally.

Robin:
Wait, does Batman live in Bruce Wayne's basement?

Batman:
No, Bruce Wayne lives in Batman's attic!

Batman:
Sometimes, in order to right a wrong, you have to do a wrong-right.

Robin:
Did Gandhi really say that?

Batman:
I'm paraphrasing.

Batgirl:
Batman! Why'd you build these thing with only one seat?

Batman:
Uh, because last I checked I only had one butt.

Joker:
I've got a surprise for you guys! And it's gonna make you smile!

Batman:
Uh-oh! His smile is our grimace!

(At Joker Manor...)

Joker:
Hi, Bats!

Batman:
What have you done to my...Bruce Wayne's house? You better hope there's a cool guy and doesn't go crazy.

Joker:
What happened to all your friends?

Batman:
I don't need friends! I don't need anyone to stop you!

Joker:
Are you sure about that? Look in the mirror, Batman. When I saw you working with your friend-family, I actually thought you changed. But no, you pushed them away. You've ran away from every person in your life, but I'm the one you're always chasing!

Batman:
Is this about that stupid "greatest enemy" thing?

Joker:
No, it's not. (The lights turn on and show every villain from the Phantom Zone.) Not anymore.

Villain #1:
You tell 'im, Joker!

Shark:
It's time for a fresh start!

Daleks:
He's not worth it!

Joker:
I think after 78 years, I deserve respect!

Harley:
That is right; respect!

Joker:
Do you realize that you have never once said the words, "I hate you, Joker"?

Harley:
Not once!

Batman:
Well, I am starting to feel pretty annoyed with you right now, that's for darn sure.

Joker:
Annoyed is not the same thing! Listen, Batman. I hate you.

Villains:
Aww!

Villain #2:
That's nice.

Joker:
Now you say it.

Batman:
Me, too.

(The villains all exclaim in disappointment.)

Joker:
You won't... You won't change, because you can't. You won't and you can't.

Villain #3:
Batman will never say it!

Harley:
You know what, Booboo, just shut it down.

Joker:
These disease lunatics are right.

Voldemort:
Yes, we are.

Joker:
I'm not gonna be part of a one-sided relationship any longer!

Harley:
Yes!

Batman:
What are you talking about?

Joker:
You and I are done.

Batman:
What is wrong with you?

Joker:
I'm moving on!

Batman:
That's ridiculous.

Joker:
And on my way out, I'm gonna blow up Gotham City!

Batman:
No, you're not serious.

Voldemort:
Wingardium Leviosa! (He uses his levatation spell on Batman to turn him back to Joker.)

Joker:
You know what for once, Batman, you're right. I'm not your greatest enemy; your greatest enemy... (He pulls out the Phantom Zone projector.) ...is you. Goodbye, Batman.

Batman:
Wait a minute, hold on a second!

(He sends him to the Phantom Zone, as Batman exclaims.)

Harley:
Good for you, Booboo!

(The others cheer.)

(In the Phantom Zone after seeing Batman's videos)

Phyllis:
Huh. You're not a traditional bad guy, but you're not exactly a good guy, either. You even abandoned your friends.

Batman:
What? (sees the video of Batman sending his friends away) Abandoned? No. No, I was trying to protect them.

Phyllis:
By pushing them away?

Batman:
Well, yeah.

Phyllis:
Are they really the ones you are protecting?

Batgirl:
Computer, Batman's in danger!

Robin:
Please, computer! Take us back!

Batgirl:
Do you really want the man who made you to come to harm?

Computer:
Batman programmed me to obey him, but he didn't say to not not rescue him. (begins to turn around)

Batman:
What are they doing?

Joker:
(back at Joker Manor) Come on, guys. Let's hustle. Gotham City's not going to blow itself up. (sees Batgirl, Robin and Alfred flying towards them) Well, hello!

Batgirl:
(flies to the cliffside) Computer, go to super-secret stealth mode. (King Kong grabs the ship and rips it apart) Hold on!

Batman:
No!

Joker:
Evil buddies, those are my last three painful reminders of Batman!

Batgirl:
[crash lands the ship and they run) Run! Come on, Alfred! This way!

Batman:
Wait, where's Dick?

Phyllis:
The little guy? He's over there. (points to Dick in the Batcave)

Computer:
Initializing Batman operating system.

Batman:
What's he doing?

Robin:
I've gotta save my family! Just think. What would Batman do?

Batman:
What?

Robin:
I know. Not listen to anyone else. (pushes button, opens the wardrobe, takes a costume and swings to one of Batman's vehicles) Be mean to people. Destroy as much property as possible. Talk in a really low, gravelly voice. (puts on a mask and talks really low) And go in alone!

Batman:
Kid, don't do that!

Computer:
(as Robin randomly pushes buttons on Batman's vehicle) Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed.

Batman:
Don't do what I would do! (Robin drives away) I never even taught you how to drive! Hold on a second, Brick Lady. (stammers) I'm so sorry. I need to get down there and stop this.

Phyllis:
I can't let you go. My boss will be really mad at me.

Batman:
Yeah. But I bet your boss would be happy if you were able to get all those bad guys back in here.

Phyllis:
Hm. She sure would.

Batman:
Then let me try. Let me get down there and help them.

Phyllis:
But haven't you tried that before?

Batgirl:
This way, Alfred! (dodges King Kong's attack)

Phyllis:
You do the same thing over and over. (Alfred and Batgirl fall into one of the villains' traps) What's gonna change?

Alfred:
(Alfred and Batgirl are surrounded) No!

Batman:
I know what I need to do. Just give me 24 hours and I'll come back. (Robin drives out of the Joker Manor) You gotta let me go down there and save them. (Robin drives the vehicle uncontrollably) I'll do whatever you want. (Batgirl is about to be eaten by King Kong) Please.

Robot:
(about to kill Alfred) Exterminate!

Batman:
Please!

Phyllis:
Okay, but I need all the bad guys locked up in here.

Batman:
I promise!

Phyllis:
(Robin drives towards King Kong) And I mean all of them.

Joker:
[after realizing that Mayor McCaskill is actually Batman] Batman?! What are you doing? You are completely outnumbered here! Are you nuts?!

Batman:
You want to get nuts? Then come on. Let's get nuts! Because I just wrote a song about how I'm going to kick all of your butts.

Joker:
[to all the bad guys] Stop him before he starts singing!

Robin:
Padre, where are you going?

Batman:
I made a promise. I gotta go back to the Phantom Zone. Sorry, kid.

Robin:
Padre, please.

Batman:
Don't call me Padre.

Robin:
Okay.

Batman:
Call me... Dads.

Robin:
My two dads are the same dad. But they're both leaving.

Batman:
It's gonna be okay, kid. Sometimes, losing people is part of life. But that doesn't mean you stop letting them in. Some very wise people taught me that. My father figure. My platonic coworker buddy, who's a girl, but just a friend. And you. Mi hijo. It's Spanish for "son." This is my family, but it's your family, too.

Batman:
Do you have a knife?

Batgirl:
Why?

Batman:
'Cause someone needs to cut the tension between the two of us immediately. Okay. I deserved that.

Phyllis:
Hi.

Batman:
Wait a minute. What's going on? I came back, just like I said I would.

Phyllis:
You know, Mr. Batman, when you're a talking brick, working at the Phantom Zone, you see a lot of crazy things. But I've finally seen a man, in order to make the world a better place, take a look at himself and make a change.

Batman:
Who?

Phyllis:
Superman.

Batman:
What?

Phyllis:
I'm kidding. It's you.

Batman / Bruce Wayne:
[first lines of the film; voice over] Black. All important movies start with a black screen... and music... edgy, scary music that would make a parent or studio executive nervous... And logos... Really long and dramatic logos... Warner Bros ("Brawss"). Why not "Warner Brothers"? I don't know. "DC." The house that Batman built. Yeah, what, Superman? Come at me, bro. I'm your Kryptonite... Hmm... Not sure what RatPac does, but that logo is macho. I dig it.

Batman / Bruce Wayne:
Okay. Get your self ready for some... reading: "If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and make that change. Hooo." Hey, I said that. Batman is very wise. And I've got huge pecs and a nine-pack. Yeah, I've got an extra ab.

Batman / Bruce Wayne:
Hey 'Puter, I'm home. [echoing]

Batman / Bruce Wayne:
Looks like your plan failed.

Batman / Bruce Wayne:
I can only look you in the eyes right now.

Batman / Bruce Wayne:
How dare you tell me how to parent my kid I just met!

Batman / Bruce Wayne:
The first lesson is: Life doesn't give you seat belts!

Batman / Bruce Wayne:
What am I gonna do? Get a bunch of criminals together to fight the other criminals? That's a stupid idea!

Batman / Bruce Wayne:
This music fills me with rage! Let's use it!

Batman / Bruce Wayne:
Look who's bat!

The Joker:
Hi, Batman!

The Joker:
Come catch your greatest enemy!

The Joker:
Superman's not a bad guy!

The Joker:
Bruce Wayne is Batman... 's roommate?

The Joker:
Hey Batman! I'm rubbing my butt all over your stuff! Gonna have to rename this the "Buttmobile".

Robin / Dick Grayson:
Hello, secret camera.

Robin / Dick Grayson:
Do I get a costume?

Robin / Dick Grayson:
Now I'm free, now I'm movin'. Come on, Batman, let's get groovin'!

Barbara Gordon / Batgirl:
It's my dream to team up with Batman.

Barbara Gordon / Batgirl:
If you call me "Batgirl", can I call you "Batboy"?

Alfred Pennyworth:
Sir, if you don't mind my saying, I'm a little concerned. I've seen you go through similar phases in 2016, and 2012, and 2008, and 2005, and 1997, and 1995, and 1992, and 1989... and that weird one in 1966.

Dr. Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn:
Joker, do you read me?

Dr. Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn:
Nobody's got a smile like you, Mr. J.

Dr. Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn:
I sure do! Time for operation "Take Out The Laundry!"

Dr. Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn:
Hi there! I'm from Phantom's Own Laundry. Gonna take the bags off 'ya hands.

Dr. Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn:
No, but you're going down!

Dr. Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn:
Actually you're right. I am going up. Ding!

Dr. Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn:
Here. Comes. The. Phantom Zone!

Dr. Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn:
-Gasp- Yes!

Dr. Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn:
Boo-Boo

Voldemort:
Accio Lightning Storm!

Voldemort:
You're a fish! You're a frog! You're a fish-frog!