The Long Kiss Goodnight

Samantha Caine/Charly Baltimore:
[to a drunken friend] Earl, do me a favor? … Every few words, have some bubbles come out of your mouth and say "hic".

Samantha Caine/Charly Baltimore:
[to her 7-year-old daughter] Stop being a little baby and get up. Life is pain. Get used to it!

Samantha Caine/Charly Baltimore:
[to Timothy] It ain't over. You're going to die screaming... and I'm going to watch. Am I telling the truth?

Samantha Caine/Charly Baltimore:
[later, watching Timothy plummet to his death] Die screaming, motherf***er!

Samantha Caine/Charly Baltimore:
Chefs do that.

Samantha Caine/Charly Baltimore:
You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing on the bottom of it.

Mitch Henessey:
I never did one thing right in my life, you know that? Not one. That takes skill.

Mitch Henessey:
What I'm saying is, back when we first met, you were all like "Oh phooey, I burned the darn' muffins." Now, you go into a bar, ten minutes later, sailors come runnin' out. What up with that?

Mitch Henessey:
I ain't handsome, I ain't rich, and the last time I got blown, candy bars cost a nickel.

Mitch Henessey:
Naw, I sock 'em in the mouth and yell, "Pop goes the weasel." Who the f*** are you?

Mitch Henessey:
Do not make an assumption, cause when you make an assumption, you make an ass outta you; and umption!

[Waldman hands a frightened Samantha a gun and pulls another one out.]

Mitch Henessey:
Tell me, old man, how many of those things you got?

Nathan Waldman:
Three: one shoulder, one hip, and one right here next to Mr. Wally, where most pat-downs never reveal it, as an agent's often reluctant to feel up another man's groin. Any other questions?

Mitch Henessey:
Yeah! What's the weather like on your planet?

[On arriving at the train station, Mitch takes his gun from a file in the trunk and puts it into his pocket]

Mitch Henessey:
[Singing] Put the car keys in my left pocket. Gun in the right hand side.

Samantha Caine:
It makes a bulge! People will see it.

Mitch Henessey:
You want me to put it into my pants and shoot my damn dick off?

Samantha Caine:
What? So now you're a sharp shooter?

[In a hotel room]

Mitch Henessey:
Tell me, do you always curse this much?

Samantha Caine:
What are you, a Mormon?

Mitch Henessey:
Yes, I'm a Mormon, that's why I just smoked a pack of Newports and drank three vodka tonics. I mean . . . When I first met you, you were all "Oh phooey, I burnt the darn muffins;" now, you go into a bar and ten minutes later sailors come running out.

Samantha Caine:
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Mitch Henessey:
I hope not, 'cause I'm thinking how much my balls hurt.

[Waldman grabs an oblivious Henessey from behind.]

Nathan Waldman:
Stay quiet, and drop the rifle.

[Waldman pushes Henessey up against a barn wall.]

Mitch Henessey:
How'd you find us?

Nathan Waldman:
There may be many reasons not to kill you, but among them is not that you'll be missed by NASA. I found the address in your coat. Here. Between the address of a topless bar, and the picture of what looks like a man's penis.

Mitch Henessey:
That's a duck, not a dick.

[A man directs an unimpressed Charly into an alley with his gun.]

Charly Baltimore:
Why don't you just go away and come back at midnight. Shoo!

Gunman:
Hey, honey, this is a real big f***ing gun.

[Mitch appears with his own gun pointed at the man's head.]

Mitch Henessey:
This ain't no ham on rye, pal.

Charly Baltimore:
What the hell are you doing?

Mitch Henessey:
Saving your life. I would have been here sooner, but I was thinkin' up that "ham on rye" line.

Charly Baltimore:
Were you always this stupid, or did you take lessons?

Mitch Henessey:
I took lessons!

Charly Baltimore:
I'm leaving the country, Mitch. I need a fake passport and I need money, lots of it.

Mitch Henessey:
Well, why didn't you say so? Hold on a minute while I pull that outta my ass.

[Caitlin and Charly are locked in a fridge.]

Caitlin Caine:
Mommy, am I gonna die?

Charly Baltimore:
Oh, no, baby. No, you're not gonna die. They are.

[Charly strikes a match to light a gasoline stream.]

Charly Baltimore:
Cover your ears. Hey! Should we get a dog?

[Charly steals the bomb-carrying truck. The dislodged driver calls on the radio.]

Truck Driver:
I'm- I'm hurt real bad. I think I'm dying.

Timothy:
Continue dying. Out.

Charly Baltimore:
Easy, sport. Got myself out of Beirut once, I think I can get out of New Jersey.

Mitch Henessey:
Yeah, well don't be so sure. Others have tried and failed. The entire population, in fact.

[Charly jumps over a fence with a rifle and surprises one of her students.]

Charly Baltimore:
Good morning, Raymond.

Raymond:
[nervously] Good morning, Miss Caine.

Charly Baltimore:
What have we learned about the dangers of smoking? Give it here.

[She takes a puff.]

Charly Baltimore:
Thanks. Tell anyone you saw me, I'll blow your f***ing head off.

Mitch Henessey:
And what about your daughter, what's her name . . . Cathead?

Charly Baltimore:
Caitlin.

Mitch Henessey:
So, you cold?

Charly Baltimore:
Yeah. Freezing.

Mitch Henessey:
Turn on the heat. It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise - distracts from the cold.

Assassin:
Hey, princess. Want some company?

Charly Baltimore:
No, thanks. I'm saving myself for when I get raped.

Mitch Henessey:
You're telling me you guys are gonna fake some terrorist thing, just to scare some money out of Congress?

Leland Perkins:
Well, unfortunately, Mr. Henessey, I have no idea how to fake killing 4,000 people. So we're just gonna have to do it for real.