The Love Guru

Guru Pitka:
In my book, "If you're happy and you know it, Think again", I speak of the teachings of Intimacy, or Into-Me-I-Seeâ„¢. Intimacy is like putting your Wiener on a table and having someone say. 'Hey, That looks like a Penis, Only smaller!' [Laughs] Only Smaller...

Guru Pitka:
Although I was raised here in India, I was born in America, which is where our journey begins. It's the story of a hockey player, named Darren Roanoke. My most resistant student, who became my greatest teacher... Or some such bullshit, I don't know.

Guru Pitka:
Dick Pants... send him in.

Guru Pitka:
Guru Pitka had a farm. EIEIO. And in that farm he did no harm. EIEIO.â„¢

Guru Pitka:
Milk milk lemonade this is where the fudge is made

Guru Pitka:
BIBLE - Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earthâ„¢

Guru Pitka:
Don't peck my f***ing eyes!

Guru Pitka:
Tickle, tickle... Break the pickle.

Guru Pitka:
Marishka Hargitay Jessica simpson.

Guru Pitka:
Marishka Hargitay Val Kilmer.

Guru Pitka:
Marishka Hargitay... Marishka Hargitay.

Guru Pitka:
Tonight I want you to go from nowhere to NOW HERE.â„¢

Guru Pitka:
Is it made out of dog? Is it a dog's tingy, am I being punk'd?

Guru Pitka:
If you ever sucker punch me again, I'll kick your ass all the way back to the keebler factory.

Guru Pitka:
I have two tattoos. One of them is DRAMA tattoo and the other is a picture of daffy duck pushing a lawn mower through my pubes.

Guru Pitka:
Let's make like a baby and head out.

Guru Pitka:
I don't know what you're talking about. (coughs up feathers)

Guru Pitka:
Rajneesh, I'd like an alligator soup, and make it snappy. Because alligators are snappy, and at the same time, I want it prompt.

Guru Pitka:
THE ULTIMATE DISTRACTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guru Pitka:
Well, it looks more like Gay Skin. (laughs)

Guru Pitka:
I lied. She is still with Le Coq, and he still has the biggest Weiner in history.

Guru Pitka:
I WANNA SING!

Guru Pitka:
Go Speedy. Ride like a cowboy.

Guru Pitka's books:
Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Why are you still hitting yourself?

Guru Pitka's books:
What's this? A dead one of these.

Guru Pitka's books:
If you're happy and you know it think again.

Guru Pitka's books:
Does that hurt when you do that? Then don't do that.

Guru Pitka's books:
I know you are, but what am I?

Jacques Grande:
Ding Dong. Did someone order the special Quebec pizza huh? You know, like in the porno.

Jacques Grande:
Don't look at me with that tone of voice or I will punch you in the shirt!

Jacques Grande:
Dis is my day of lucky!

Rajneesh:
[answering cell phone] Dell Computers, this is Chip.

Guru Tugginmypudha:
Good distraction frees us from emotional pain. Bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz.

Coach Punch Cherkov:
What's the capital of Thailand?

Guru Pitka:
Bangkok.

Coach Punch Cherkov:
Exactly. [punches Pitka in the crotch, Pitka hunches down then doubles over covering his crotch]

Guru Pitka:
Omar Sharif, my 'balls''''! OH-HOH!

Coach Punch Cherkov:
Stay down b*tch

Guru Pitka:
Okay{nods)

Coach Punch Cherkov:
What's the capital of Thailand?

Guru Pitka:
Bangkok.

Coach Punch Cherkov:
Exactly. [punches Pitka in the crotch, chastity belt dings .

Guru Pitka:
OH!

Guru Pitka:
Break the pickle...tickle, tickle.

Guru Pitka:
What is it you can't face? (use strong Indian accent on "can't")