The Man Who Would Be King

Billy Fish:
I oft times tell Ootah about Englishmens. How they give names to dogs and take off hats to womans, and march into battle, left - right, left -right with rifles on their shoulders.

Daniel Dravot:
Peachy, I'm heartily ashamed for gettin' you killed instead of going home rich like you deserved to, on account of me bein' so bleedin' high and bloody mighty. Can you forgive me?

Peachy Carnehan:
That I can and that I do, Danny, free and full and without let or hindrance.

Daniel Dravot:
Everything's all right then.

District Commissioner:
I have your records before me. There's everything in them, from smuggling to swindling to receiving stolen goods to bare-faced blackmail.

Peachy Carnehan:
Sir, I resent the accusation of blackmail. It is blackmail to obtain money by threats of publishing information *in* a newspaper. But what blackmail is there in accepting a small retainer for keeping it *out* of a newspaper?

District Commissioner:
And how did you propose to keep it out?

Peachy Carnehan:
By telling the editor what I know about his sister, and a certain government official in these parts.

Daniel Dravot:
[Referring to Kipling, the journalist present] Let him put *that* in his paper, if he has need of news.

Peachy Carnehan:
Keep looking at me. It helps to keep my soul from flying off.

Peachy Carnehan:
Pardon me while I fall down laughing. HA, HA, HA.

District Commissioner:
The may be no criminal charges against you, but I'll see these files reach Calcutta with a recommendation that you be deported as political undesirables, detriments to the dignity of the Empire and the Izzat of the Raj.

Peachy Carnehan:
Detriments you call us? Detriments? Well I want to remind you it was "detriments" like us that built this bloody Empire *and* the Izzat of the bloody Raj, 'ats on!

District Commissioner:
It would have been wiser if you'd both gone home at the end of your army service.

Peachy Carnehan:
Home to what? A porters uniform outside a restaurant, attainin' tips from belching civilians for closing cab doors on them and their their blowzy women?

Daniel Dravot:
Not for us thank you. Not after watching afghans come howling down out of the hills and taking battlefield command when all the officers had copped it.

Peachy Carnehan:
Well said, brother Dravot.

Daniel Dravot:
The more tribes, the more they'll fight, and the better for us.

Daniel Dravot:
In any place where they fight, a man who knows how to drill men can always be a King. We shall go to those parts and say to any King we find - "D'you want to vanquish your foes?' and we will show him how to drill men; for that we know better than anything else. Then we will subvert that King and seize his Throne and establish a Dynasty.

Daniel Dravot:
Now listen to me you benighted muckers. We're going to teach you soldiering. The world's noblest profession. When we're done with you, you'll be able to slaughter your enemies like civilized men.

Peachy Carnehan:
It took him half an hour to fall.

Peachy Carnehan:
Now, the problem is, how to divide five Afghans from three mules and have two Englishmen left over.

Daniel Dravot:
You are going to become soldiers. A soldier does not think. He only obeys. Do you really think that if a soldier thought twice he'd give his life for queen and country? Not bloody likely.

Daniel Dravot:
Billy Fish, do they always use such a big ball?

Billy Fish:
Depend on size of man's head. Big head, big ball, small head, small ball. That Bashki man. Oh big damn head.

Peachy Carnehan:
Danny's only a man. But he break wind at both ends simultaneous - which is more, I reckon, than any god can do.

[speaking to Billy Fish in Kafiri]

Billy Fish:
Ootah say take your pick. He have twenty three daughters.

Danny:
Those are his daughters? Why the dirty old beggar!

Peachy Carnehan:
Now, now Danny. Different countries, different ways. He's only being hospitable according to his lights. Billy, tell him one's as pretty as the next and we cannot choose.

[Billy translates; Ootah replies in Kafiri]

Billy Fish:
Ootah say he also have thirty-two sons if you are liking boys.

Peachy Carnehan:
[angrily] Tell him he makes my gorge rise; tell him!

Danny:
Now Peachy, different countries, different ways. Tell Ootah we have vowed not to take a woman until all his enemies are vanquished.

[One of Ootah's daughters is trying to seduce Peachy]

Peachy Carnehan:
Danny, let us seek safety on the battlefield.

Billy Fish:
He wants to know if you are gods.

Peachy Carnehan:
Not gods - Englishmen. The next best thing.

Daniel Dravot, Peachy Carnehan:
God's holy trousers!

Danny:
You mean he's piled up a fortune of sixty cows out of her infidelities?

Billy Fish:
And thirty-two goats.

Danny:
She ain't a wife, she's a going concern!

Danny:
You mortals wait down there!

Peachy Carnehan:
[When being chased by a large angry mob] Billy Fish, mount the mule and ride! There's a chance you'll make it!

Billy Fish:
Gurkha foot soldier, not cavalry.

[Billy salutes Peachy and Danny]

Billy Fish:
Rifleman Majendra Bahadur Gurung wishing you many good lucks!

[Billy draws his kukri and charges the mob single-handedly]

Billy Fish:
Ayo Gorkhali!

Peachy Carnehan:
I have urgent business to the South.

Daniel Dravot:
The slut bit me!

Peachy Carnehan:
What's he saying, Billy?

Billy Fish:
Danny's bleeding. They know! He says not god, not devil, but man!

Peachy Carnehan:
[approaches Danny] They've twigged it, Danny. You've had it! The jig's up!

Daniel Dravot:
[grabs arrow and raises hand in proclamation] I, Sikander -

Peachy Carnehan:
[cuts off Danny] For God's sake!

Peachy Carnehan:
[grabs Danny and leads him down the temple stairs] We've got to brass it out, Danny. Danny, brass it out!

Peachy Carnehan:
[Danny, Peachy and Billy Fish try to escape the mob with heads held high] Bags of swank!

Daniel Dravot:
[Danny, Peachy and Billy Fish on the run] We'll get your riflemen, Peachy, and we'll come back and slaughter the dogs! A drenching in their own blood we'll give them! Riflemen, prepare to advance!

Peachy Carnehan:
[grabs rifles] Too many for that, Danny. Retire in sections!

Daniel Dravot:
Retire? Retire be damned!

Peachy Carnehan:
We've gotta make a run for it!

Daniel Dravot:
You have our permission to bugger off!

Peachy Carnehan:
I've come back. Give me a drink, Brother Kipling. Don't you know me?

Rudyard Kipling:
No. I don't know you. Who are you? What can I do for you?

Peachy Carnehan:
I told you; give me a drink. It was all settled right here in this office. Remember? Danny and Me signed a contract, and you witnessed it. You stood over there. I stood there, and Daniel stood here. Remember?

Rudyard Kipling:
Carnehan!

Peachy Carnehan:
Peachy Toliver Carnehan.

Peachy Carnehan:
Of course.

Peachy Carnehan:
Keep looking at me. It helps to keep my soul from flying off.

Rudyard Kipling:
Carnehan.

Peachy Carnehan:
The same - and not the same, who sat besides you in the first class carriage, on the train to Marwar Junction, three summers and a thousand years ago.

Daniel Dravot:
[admiring Roxanne, while a worried Peachy looks on] Just looking, Peachy. There's such a thing as admiring beauty for its own sake.

Peachy Carnehan:
[sharply] Being only human, one thing leads to another.

Peachy Carnehan:
They're savages here, one and all. Leave 'em to go back to slaughterin' babes, and playin' stickball with each other's heads, and pissin' on their neighbors.

District Commissioner:
It would have been wiser if you had both gone home at the end of your army service.

Peachy:
Home to what? A porter's uniform outside a restaurant and tanner tips from belching civilians for closing cab doors on them and their blowzy women?

Daniel:
Not for us, thank you! Not after watching Afghans come howling down out of the hills and taking battle field command when all the officers had copped it!

Peachy:
Well said Brother Dravot!

District Commissioner:
There may be no criminal charges against you, but I'll see these files reach Calcutta with the recommendation that you be deported as political undesirables! Detriments to the Dignity of the Empire and the Izzat of the Raj!

Peachy:
Detriments you call us? Detriments? Well I want to remind you it was detriments like us that built this bloody Empire and the Izzat of the bloody Raj! Hats on! About turn! By the left, quick march!

Daniel:
Peachy, in your opinion, have our lives been misspent?

Peachy:
Well, that depends on how you look at it.  I wouldn’t say the world’s a better place for our having lived in it.

Daniel:
No, hardly that.

Peachy:
Nobody's gonna weep their eyes out at our demise.

Daniel:
And who'd want them to anyway?

Peachy:
And we haven't many good deeds to our credit.

Daniel:
None. None to brag about.

Peachy:
But how many men have been where we've been ... and seen what we've seen?

Daniel:
Bloody few and that's a fact!

Peachy:
Why, even now, I wouldn't change places with the viceroy himself...if it meant giving up my memories...

Peachy:
Billy Fish, mount the mule and ride! There's a chance you'll make it!

Billy Fish:
Gurkha foot soldier, not cavalry! Rifleman Majendra Bahadur Gurung wishing you many good lucks! [Draws kukri and charges the mob alone] AYO-O-O GURKHALI-I-I!

Peachy Carnehan:
Blast! [Carnehan realizes he has just pick-pocketed a fellow Freemason's watch]

Peachy Carnehan:
They've twigged it Danny, you've had it!

Peachy Carnehan: We've got to brass it out, Danny. Danny brass it out! Bags of swank!

Daniel Dravot:
That's the last of them Peachy, no more gods to burn.

Daniel Dravot:
[Wistfully observing dancing women] Boil'em once or twice in hot water and they'll come out like chicken and ham! You wouldn't know them from the Gaietey Chorus!

Daniel Dravot:
[Lecturing his Er-Heb recruits while Billy Fish translates:] Now listen to me, you benighted muckers! We're going to teach you soldiering, The world's noblest profession! When we're done with you, you'll be able to stand up and slaughter your foes like civilized men! But first, you will have to learn to march in step. And do the manual of arms without even having to think! Good soldiers don't think, they just obey! Do you suppose that if a man thought twice, he'd give his life for Queen and Country? Not bloody likely! He wouldn't go near the battlefield! One look at your foolish faces tells me that you're going to be crack troops. Ohhh him there with the five-and-a-half hat size has the makings of a bloody hero!

What about all the innocent people being killed ?