The Mighty Boosh

Bar lady:
I like your dress...

Rudy:
This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.

Bar lady:
Why don't you stay awhile?

[flashes to him]

Rudy:
Put away those fiery biscuits...

Vince Noir:
C'mon, Bollo, get your monkey anus at the steering wheel.

Bollo:
Bollo no drive.

Vince Noir:
You're joking. Why not?

Bollo:
Bollo lose license.

Naboo:
When did that happen?

Bollo:
Long time ago. It was Chiko. As teenager we would drive about town together. My father warn us. No drive too fast for there are speed camera on A49 but Chiko crazy. He dangerous. He always say "Please, Bollo. Please let us go faster."

Vince Noir:
Yeah, yeah so you chopped his head off right?

Bollo:
No, I chopped his feet off. Stopped him pressing accelerator.

Howard Moon:
I'm an explorer.

Vince Noir:
I thought you were a writer?

Howard Moon:
I do many things. I span the genres - they call me the genre spanner.

Vince Noir:
Yeah, they call you the spanner...

Howard Moon:
I don't accessorize. I'm Howard Moon. There's a simple truth to me.

Howard Moon:
Vince, you've gone wrong.

Vince Noir:
I am the Chosen One. I have the amulet.

Howard Moon:
Yeah, well maybe it's time I had the amulet for a bit.

Vince Noir:
You don't accessorise. There's a simple truth to you.

Howard Moon:
Give me the amulet, you b*tch!

The Hitcher:
Aagh! It hurts! It burns! You've liquified me, you slags!

Vince Noir:
[grabbing book] Look at this one!

Naboo:
Don't touch that!

Vince Noir:
All right! Easy!

Naboo:
This is black magic. This is hardcore. Don't mess with the occult.

Vince Noir:
I thought it was good for you.

Naboo:
What?

Vince Noir:
Well, you know, good for your digestive system.

Naboo:
That's Yakult!

Vince Noir:
Oh, yeah...

Old Gregg:
What do you think of me?

Howard Moon:
I don't rightly know, Sir.

Old Gregg:
Make an assessment.

[Vince and Howard have been buried up to their necks and left for dead in the desert]

Vince Noir:
Howard? You think it's going to be alright?

Howard Moon:
No. We're gonna die in the most horrific way known to man. [sighs in resignation]

Vince Noir:
[smiling] Had some good times, though, didn't we?

Howard Moon:
Yeah...

Vince Noir:
Huh... yeah...

Howard Moon:
[wistfully] Remember the time we had that soup?

Vince Noir:
That was brilliant.

[they start singing]

Howard Moon, Vince Noir:
Soup! Soup! A tasty... Soup! Soup! A spicy, carrot and coriander...

Vince Noir:
...chili chowder!

Howard Moon, Vince Noir:
Crouton! Crouton! Crunchy friends in a liquid broth.

Howard Moon, Vince Noir:
I am gazpachio... OH! I am a summer soup... Mm!

Howard Moon, Vince Noir:
Miso! Miso! Fighting in the dojo. Miso! Miso! Oriental prince in the land of soup!

[they stop singing]

Vince Noir:
Classic times.

Howard Moon:
[shaking his head] Crazy days...

Vince Noir:
Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.

Vince Noir:
Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard?

Howard Moon:
This better be good.

Vince Noir:
You know the black bits in bananas, are they tarantulas' eggs?

Howard Moon:
Please don't speak to me ever again in your life.

Howard Moon:
Just imagine the headlines 'Howard Moon, Colon, Explorer'. Got a ring to that don't it?

Vince Noir:
Colon Explorer?

Howard Moon:
You know what I saying.

Vince Noir:
I think that's got the wrong ring to it.

Vince Noir:
Calm a llama down.

Howard Moon:
Calm a llama down.

Vince Noir, Howard Moon:
Deep down in the ocean blue like a barnacle/ Sitting in a tight place/ Laughing like a monkey arm/ Pulling like a China boy/ Carraway carraway carraway noise/ Boing, chika masala/ Boing, chika masala/ oh tooth tooth/ [suck in air] !

Vince Noir:
[to locksmith] You haven't seen my mate Howard, have you? Kinda tall, scruffy hair, small eyes like a crab?

Tommy Nooka:
[singing] Cheese is a kind of meat/ A tasty yellow beef./ I milk it from my teat./ But I try to be discrete./ Oh cheese!/ O cheese!

Vince Noir:
[Tommy repeats song] Is that your hero?

Howard Moon:
Yeah, he's gone a bit wrong.

Vince Noir:
I'm going to stick with Jagger.

[Tommy begins beatboxing]

Tommy Nooka:
[to Howard Moon] Stop! Stop! I am too old. You and your wife must go without me.

[repeated line]

Howard Moon:
Don't kill me, I've got so much to give!

Saboo:
[to Howard Moon] You know nothing of the crunch!

The Moon:
When you are the moon, there is a person people say is the sun. I saw the sun once, and he came past me, really fast. And it was an, it was called, the, an eclipse. And he came fast! But as he came past, I, I licked his back. [sticks out tongue] And he doesn't know I licked his back! All in his yellow suit!... I'm the moon.

The Moon:
When you are the moon, the best form you can be is a full moon. And then the half moon... he's all right. But the full moon is the famous moon. And then three-quarters, eh, no one gives a sh*t about him. When does he come, two days in, to the calendar month? He's useless. Full moon. The moon. The main moon.

The Moon:
One time, I saw a man looking at me, yes, with his eyes. And then, he, he picked up a tube. And he looked, in the tube, and he made the moon big, inside the tube. The moon big inside a tube! [laughs]

Howard Moon:
The wind is my only friend.

Wind:
[whistling] I hate you.

Howard Moon:
I want to be the greatest Jazz player in Yorkshire.

The Spirit of Jazz:
Yorkshire? What is Yorkshire?

Howard Moon:
Yorkshire is a place. Yorkshire is a state of mind.

The Spirit of Jazz:
Every time you pick up an instrument, I'll be there inside ya, wearing ya like a glove!

The Spirit of Jazz:
Ow! My hat's on fire! What's wrong with you? You blind? Why didn't ya tell me?

Howard Moon:
Sorry, I thought that was your look

Howard Moon:
You used to be a zookeeper, this is where your heart was. What about the zoo?

Vince Noir:
[bleeped] F*** the zoo

Howard Moon:
[shocked] What did you say?

Vince Noir:
[bleeped] I said, f*** the zoo

Howard Moon:
I can't believe you're saying that. What about the animals?

Vince Noir:
[bleeped] F*** the animals! They're all a bunch of w******!

Johnny Two Hats:
I'm Johnny Two Hats, why do you think they call me that?

Vince Noir:
Is it because you've got two hats on?

Johnny Two Hats:
Bingo

The Spirit of Jazz:
I'm gonna creep inside you like a warm kitten!

Vince Noir:
The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.

Old Gregg:
Under closer inspection I realised it was a funky ball of tits from outer space.

The Moon:
Here's a poem, from the Moon. Neil Armstrong, walking on my face / Buzz Aldrin, walking on my face / And the third one is a space man, walking on my face / All on the surfaces, and they're looking at all of the stuff that the moon has got./ [chuckles] Yeah.

Howard Moon:
Kodiak! It's me, Howard Moon, we spoke on the phone this morning.

Kodiak Jack:
The what?

Howard Moon:
The telephone...

Kodiak Jack:
Ohh, the talky stick! Your voice was trapped in there this morning.

The Moon:
He's so bright and milky white / Shining down upon the ground / He's the bright, milky white / Shining down upon the ground / Everybody look at the moon / Everybody seein' the moon / The moon is bright / He's milky white / Everybody look at the moon / Uh!

[smiles]

The Moon:
Heey! I did a song! Jupiter, I did a song! You ain't got one! Heey!

[laughs]

The Moon:
Oh, I feel sick.

Lucien:
You should never go out on Black Lake when the moon be full.

Vince Noir:
Why?

Lucien:
Because there's somethin' out there... somethin' evil... somethin' that goes by the name of Old Gregg... [creepy music]

Vince Noir:
...who?

Lucien:
Ol' Gregg. Legendary fish. Some say he's half man, half fish. Others say it's more of a seventy-thirty split. Whatever the percentage, he's one fishy bastard.

Colin:
Some say he's a ghost. Can't catch what don't exists. Hook goes right through 'im.

Lucien:
Some say he's acquired the taste of human meat, won't respond to conventional bait. Only way to hook him is to use a child's toe.

The Moon:
And some say, Old Gregg is like a, a big fish finger, but big! Like um, like a garage. As big as a garage. Imagine that fish finger, when you can see it is as big as a garage, oh! It isn't small, it's the big one! Like that. [smiles]

Various:
[Repeated line, while being killed hideously] A little to the left!

Bollo:
I got a bad feeling about this... [repeated line, various episodes]

Head Shaman:
Sometimes I wonder about the team I have assembled here...

Tony Harrison:
It's an outrage! An outrage!

Tony Harrison:
I come fully equipped with a papoose! I slip into it like a peanut. If you don't like the papoose system I have a wheel that clicks into place under my chin.

Saboo:
Must I assemble this Kinder Egg?

Howard Moon:
Don't get too close to the animals cos, they die. It's the first rule of zookeeping.

Vince Noir:
What about you and Jack Cooper?

Howard Moon:
What about me and Jack? Me and Jack aquaintances. We got close, too close some people said.

Vince Noir:
Yeah

Howard Moon:
I don't know what the rumours were.

Vince Noir:
That you were bumming him.

Vince Noir:
He asked me to play Blue Train by John Coltrane at his funeral. I couldn't really find that. Sorry Howard. But I found another song about a train. [Pipe organ plays Thomas the Tank Engine theme.]

Mr Susan:
If you choose wrongly you will replace me here in the mirror world for all eternity with nothing but your own reflection for company...

Vince Noir:
Sounds alright to me.

Mr Susan:
What? Staring at your own reflection forever?

Vince Noir:
Sounds great.

Bob Fossil:
I have a problem. It's to do with the little man, the squashed-in French man, the naked little squashed up hairy boy! You know? With the hand feet

[shakes his hands to demonstrate]

Bob Fossil:
The brown little hand foot man.

[makes face]

Howard Moon:
The gorilla.

Bob Fossil:
Yeah!

Vince Noir:
If you're a ghost, why can't I put my hand through you?

Howard Moon:
You blew half the budget on your hair, remember?

Grim Reaper:
[in Limbo] Come on, it's not so bad. I'll make you a cup of tea.

Howard Moon:
Thanks.

Grim Reaper:
Any sugars?

Howard Moon:
No. Well, two. No, sod it, eight!

Mr Susan:
Limbo? Limbo-Bimbo!

Vince Noir:
Yeah well that's nothing [pulls trousers down] Nicky Clarke, hottest you can get, fell asleep on them when I was pissed.

Howard Moon:
I don't buffet about in the winds of fashion. Fashion may come and go. Howard Moon remains where he is.

Kodiak Jack:
Beautiful view, huh?

Howard Moon:
Oh, yeah... when I see a view like that, I'm always aware of the terrifying insignificance of mankind... and yet, at the same time the irrevocable connection we all have with the universe.

Kodiak Jack:
Know what I think about? All the tiny animal penises all over. Anyway, I got a question for ya.

Howard Moon:
Do you need to pack this Jacobean ruff?

Vince Noir:
Listen, I've got a strong feeling the Tudor look's gonna come back in while we're away. I don't wanna get left behind.

Howard Moon:
You'll be in the wilderness. Who's gonna know?

Vince Noir:
What if someone's photographing animals, yeah, and I'm in the back of the shot? The internet's a powerful tool these days.

Howard Moon:
Keep back. I know Wing-Chung.

Bollo:
Clothes avalanche!

Vince Noir:
[about Cheekbone magazine] It's the most up-to-date magazine around. It's so cutting edge it goes out of date every three hours. Can't get it in shops. It's delivered by ninjas.

Kodiak Jack:
[talking to Howard about Vince] We don't often get a cute little nubile princess like that out in the wilderness. Usually just old weather-beaten types like yourself.

Howard Moon:
I've actually read this book on the Wilderness.

Kodiak Jack:
Book! [Spits] That's all you people know. Your book isn't going to help when there's a Grizzly on the loose! [Grabs the book and throws it out the window, killing a Grizzly on the loose]

Naboo:
He's gone too! It's all part of the ritual. Vince, ignore the Hippie Nonsense. You're a punk, stay punk. Think of Johnny Thunders. Block it out.

Vince Noir:
What about you?

Naboo:
Don't worry about me, I'm a Shaman. My mind's like a fortress. [Naboo starts dancing with the Yetis]

Howard Moon:
Kalamaloo!

Kodiak Jack:
Have you ever had a mountain goat grab you by the scrotum and run away with it and then sell it on ebay a day later?

Howard Moon:
Err, no.

Kodiak Jack:
You ever been Rohypnoled by a swan, woke up in Cancun?

Howard Moon:
No.

Kodiak Jack:
Ever been to a key party with a herd of rhino? Well, I have! And it ain't purty!

Howard Moon:
Right.

Vince Noir:
Charlie is genius, right, he's made from a million old pieces of bubble gum. Imagine that. In the summer of 1976 on the way home from an Alice Cooper concert, Charlie started to melt on the pavement. It was too hot in L.A and he melted, like a pink b*tch. Luckily though, there was Eric Phillips, a local crocodile who dabbled in black magic. He took pity on Charlie, and scraped him off the floor with a pair of fish slicers. He poured him into an antique soup ladel, and boarded his magic carpet, destination, Alaska. Eric Phillips decided to refreeze Charlie, but in his cold blooded reptilian haste, he refroze him into the shape of a hoover. Charlie wasn't phased though, he just zoomed about the place, sucking up Inuits. The Inuits didn't mind. They loved it in Charlie's big tight warm belly pouch, and they refused to come out. Charlie said, "I'm cool with that," and set fire to a posh hammer to make it official. The downside was that the Inuits suffocated imediately. It was air-tight in there. Charlie panicked, and fired the tiny Inuit bullets into to Eric's crocodile peepers. The green shape, was frozen. After a quick drink, Charlie stole Eric Phillip's magic carpet, and left for Seattle. Charlie was racked with guilt. He'd killed 50 Inuits, no one needs that. He decided to spend the rest of his life putting small hairstyles onto boots, monkey nuts, trumpets, and spanners.

Howard Moon:
That's not a novel. That's the scribblings of a retard, Vince.

Vince Noir:
You're in a Hubba-Bubba Nightmare!

Vince Noir:
I'm going to be in Autumn Magnets!

Howard Moon:
Are you now? [to Hamilton Cork, who is no longer in character] Now look, I invited you on the show out of the kindness of my heart. What do you think you're playing at? [Hamilton nuts Howard unconscious with his shiny conker of a head]

Hamilton Cork:
[to camera] Don't take me on, I'm a 29-er! [to Vince] Now it is Equity Minimum but the Podiums are very good...

The Board of Shamen:
We are super magic men/We stay out 'til five A.M./Though we live by Shamen laws/What goes on tour, stays on tour.

Naboo:
Oh and Howard, I don't care what you do on your own time, don't advertise it on the front of the shop.

Howard Moon:
What? That wasn't me! It was graffiti artists!

Bollo:
No smoke without fire.

Howard Moon:
Why does everyone keep saying that? What about smoke machines?

Bollo:
[shrugs] Dry ice.

The Hitcher:
[to Howard Moon] You oughta be careful boy - there's alotta weirdos around 'ere, lotta nasty people... [leers]... lotta nutters. But I'm gonna protect you boy. 'Cos I love you. In fact if you weren't a geezer I'd be rapin' you be'ind the counter right now.

The Hitcher:
[leers] Do I look like a reasonable man to you, or a peppermint nightmare?

Howard Moon:
[timidly] The first one?

The Hitcher:
Wrong.

The Hitcher:
[in Victorian-Electro song] The past and future, combining to make something not quite as good as either.

The Hitcher:
[randomly playing chords on the piano] EELS! EELS! EELS! Join in with me, boy.

Howard Moon:
[timidly] Eels?

The Hitcher:
Yeah, It's a good one, ain't it?

Howard Moon:
We're in trouble. We've got to get out of town.

Vince Noir:
Just calm down and tell me what happened.

Howard Moon:
This man came into the shop, a cockney! He urinated in my face, and... [turns to camera] we've seen all this. Can we just cut to something else while I explain it? [cuts to a game of Pong for a few seconds]

Howard Moon:
...We've got to get a thousand Euros by midnight or we're dead! [turns to camera] Thank you. [the Pong game beeps off-screen in response]

Dennis:
Would you be quiet, please. I can't hear my internal TomTom. We appear to be lost.

Tony Harrison:
Oh, you are useless!

Dennis:
Well, I'm more than happy to let someone else drive.

Tony Harrison:
I can't drive! I'm shitfaced!

Saboo:
Yeah, like if you were sober, you could drive anyway. You can't even reach the pedals, you cleft.

Tony Harrison:
How dare you. I've got a heavy goods license. There's no one here who's got more miles under their belt than me!

Saboo:
Look, save it, you pinky wafer. Let Kirk drive.

Dennis:
Kirk can't drive. He's a renowned ram-raider.

Saboo:
Kirk? Is it true that you've become a vehicular menace; mowing down all in your path?

Kirk:
Yes.

Tony Harrison:
Can we stop? I need a wee-wee.

Dennis:
We were only just in the service station.

Tony Harrison:
I know, but I didn't need to go then! I'm not a machine, I've got a weak bladder!

Saboo:
You are a bladder.

Tony Harrison:
Anyway, it's not my fault. I couldn't reach the pee-trough! I asked you to pick me up; you just shunned me!

Dennis:
I'm sorry, but I do not stoop to pick up men in the urinals.

Saboo:
...that's not what I've heard.

Tony Harrison:
Ohhhh! You walked right into it!

All Shamen:
[singing] We are super magic men/We stay up till five A.M.!/Although we're bound by shaman lords/What goes on tour, stays on tour!

Howard Moon:
But we had an arrangement...

Vince Noir:
Oh, boo-hoo the arrangement! Do I look like a reasonable man to you?

Elanor:
I need love-squeezins!

Elanor:
We're too old to be playing these games!

Howard Moon:
I'm sorry, you've completely got the wrong... what do you mean "old"?

Howard Moon:
Hi ladies. I've just been riding a porpoise.

Ultra:
Really? Ring-a-ding-ding!

Howard Moon:
How's it going with you anyway in the pop band?

Vince Noir:
It's going alright... having a bit of trouble with the keyboard player though. Johnny two-hats

Howard Moon:
Yeah, what is it? Mood swings?

Vince Noir:
He's left the band.

Howard Moon:
Thats a pretty big mood swing. He swung right out of the band there.

Howard Moon:
Time is calling out my name.

Howard Moon:
[whispers] Howard.

Howard Moon:
Playing the final moves of it's game.

Howard Moon:
[whispering again] Chess.

Vince Noir:
Soup, soup a tasty. Soup, soup a spicey. Carrot and coriander. Chilli chowder. Crouton, crouton crunchy friends in a liquid broth. I am Gespatio. Ooo. I am a summer soup. Mmm. Miso, Miso fighting in the dojo. Miso, miso Oriental prince in the land of SOUP!

Piper Twin:
Apples and pears and various other fruit.

Howard Moon:
Where did you get those sunglasses from?

Vince Noir:
A passing coyote took pity on me.

Howard Moon:
Took pity on you did he? He took a piss on me!

Vince Noir:
I think in his own simple way he was probably just trying to cool you down.

Bryan Ferry:
I am Bryan Ferry!

Naboo:
Have you ever seen Bryan Ferry?

Bryan Ferry:
Yeah, what's your point?

Naboo:
You look like Terry Wogan.

Vince Noir:
[digging in a small paper bag] Do you want something to eat?

Howard Moon:
Yeah, actually. I'm quite hungry.

Vince Noir:
I've got it all in here. Ultra Violets. Flying Saucers. Strawberry Bootlace. C'mon. Get involved.

Howard Moon:
Have you got any food?

Vince Noir:
Yeah. Satin Zingers...

Howard Moon:
No, like *real* food -

Vince Noir:
...Neptune Fizz.

Howard Moon:
- you ever heard of rice?

Vince Noir:
I've heard of Rice Krispies.

Vince Noir:
Funk. Funk. Jazz's deformed cousin.

Vince Noir:
[Vince and Howard are driving in a van. Vince holds up a cassette tape] This is the best of the sixties.

Vince Noir:
[holds up another cassette] And this is the best of the seventies.

Vince Noir:
[lifts a huge stack of cassettes] And this is Gary Numan.

Howard Moon:
Er, no. No way. I'm not having that. Absolutely not, I'm drawing a line under that. That's it.

Vince Noir:
What? Why?

Howard Moon:
I'm driving, it's my music we're having.

Vince Noir:
Not Jazz!

Howard Moon:
[lifts cassette] No. This, my friend, is Jazz Funk.

Vince Noir:
Ohh, the double! That's even worse!

Howard Moon:
The mixture. The cerebral musicality of Jazz mixed with the visceral groove of funk.

Vince Noir:
Funk?

Howard Moon:
Imagine that.

Vince Noir:
Funk?

Howard Moon:
What a combo.

Vince Noir:
Jazz's deformed cousin!

Bryan Ferry:
Ah, a demo tape, how nice. Of course, it is all MP3 now. This is obsolete. [Throws it away]

Howard Moon:
[Vince gives the Bear a magazine] What are you doing?

Vince Noir:
Giving him something to read.

Howard Moon:
"The Face"? He's a Russian Bear!

Vince Noir:
So what?

Howard Moon:
Give him some Chekov. [Hands Vince a play by Chekov. Vince passes it back to the Bear]

Vince Noir:
I can't believe Bainbridge is selling the zoo!

Naboo:
He's a ball bag.

Vince Noir:
What's that?

Howard Moon:
Owls.

Vince Noir:
That sound like wolves?

Howard Moon:
They're wonderful mimics.

Bob Fossil:
Howard is asking questions about Tommy.

Dixon Bainbridge:
Well just do what we did the last time.

Bob Fossil:
Ride around in a lorry and beat up midgets?

Dixon Bainbridge:
No, put him in the Wolf Room. He'll be dead by morning.

Vince Noir:
Who are you?

Rudi:
I go by many names.

Vince Noir:
Well, what are they?

Rudi:
I'm getting around to that in my own good mystical time.

[wolves howl]

Vince Noir:
What was that?

Howard Moon:
Owls.

Vince Noir:
What, pretending to be wolves?

Howard Moon:
They're very good mimics.

Vince Noir:
What?

Howard Moon:
Look, don't worry about wolves, ok? I know how to deal with them. If a wolf approaches, you simply punch it on the nose.

Vince Noir:
That's sharks, innit?

Howard Moon:
Works for any animal.

Vince Noir:
Who are you?

Rudy:
I go by many names. [long pause]

Vince Noir:
Well, what are they then?

Rudy:
I'm getting round to that in my own good mystical time. Some call me Shatoon, bringer of corn. Others call me Mickey Nine, the dream weaver. Some call me Photoshop. Others call me Trenu, the boiler...

[fades out, then back in]

Rudy:
Some call me Marjorie Keek. Others call me Captain Margaret.

[fades out, then back in]

Rudy:
Others call me R-R-Rubbady Pubbady.

Vince Noir:
Look, I haven't really got time for this.

Rudy:
Oi!

Vince Noir:
Are you going to tell me your real name or not?

Rudy:
My name is Rudy. Rudy Van Der Sarzio, Jazz fusion guitarist.

Rudy:
You have passed the test.

Vince Noir:
What test?

Rudy:
The Pipe test. Most men would have taken the Pipe, not given it back. But you are pure of heart.

Vince Noir:
Thanks, I don't know what to say.

Rudy:
No need to say anything, just kiss my balls.

Vince Noir:
I'm not doing that!

Rudy:
You have passed the test.

Vince Noir:
What?

Rudy:
The balls test! Most men would have kissed my balls...

Vince Noir:
[Walks off] Seeya!

Rudy:
Let us see what is behind the Door of Kukundu! [a hand emerges from the door in Rudy's forehead, holding a Pipe]

Vince Noir:
I'll train you up.

Howard Moon:
You?

Vince Noir:
Yeah. I'm a Cockney b*tch. I'm a ragamuffin from the streets.

Howard Moon:
You? You're a French duke if I ever saw one. You lay around on hammocks all day eating soft cheese.

Vince Noir:
Lots of people get trapped in cabinets: Lawyers, Doctors, Dentists...

Mr Rogers the Cobra:
[Vince is speaking a random language trying to talk to Mr Rogers] Speak English fool, your face is confusing enough.

Naboo:
What happened to my frog?

Bob Fossil:
You smoked it last night!

Naboo:
Oh yeah.

Bob Fossil:
What are you doing, Moon?

Howard Moon:
Uh, just reading.

Bob Fossil:
Yeah? Well, I got a problem with the black-and-white people at the zoo.

Howard Moon:
Who?

Bob Fossil:
You know, the black-eyed Chinese people that eat sticks.

Howard Moon:
The pandas.

Bob Fossil:
"Oh! I'm Howard Moon! I know how to read! I know all the animals' names at the zoo!"... Yeah, the pandas.

Saboo:
Live your life? You live with a couple of dossbags and an ape!

Bollo:
Grrrrr!

Saboo:
*What?* You are an ape!

Bollo:
Ohhhh... ye.

Saboo:
He's got no legs! He cannot walk!

Tony Harrison:
How dare you! I come fully equipped with a papoose! If you need to move me around I slot in the back like a peanut! If you are against the papoose system I have got a wheel that clicks into my chin like a skate!

Lead Shaman:
Sometimes I wonder about this team I've put together...

Saboo:
[to Naboo] You know nothing of the crunch. How dare you even speak of the crunch. You've never even been to the crunch.

Vince Noir:
[referring to Nanatoo] I was getting quite a good vibe off her, actually.

Saboo:
I will get that book for you, sire.

Lead Shaman:
But it is a dangerous mission. I shall assign you a partner.

Saboo:
Very well, I will go with Kirk. [the eight-year-old]

Lead Shaman:
Kirk is not to be trusted in these matters. Kirk is a violent and sexually deranged being from the fourth dimension.

Saboo:
Kirk; is it true that you are still an erotic adventurer of the most deranged kind?

Kirk:
Yes.

Tony Harrison:
This is an outrage! Saboo, you slag!

Saboo:
Who shall I go with?

Lead Shaman:
You shall go... with Tony Harrison there.

Saboo:
Oh, come on.

Tony Harrison:
What? What's your beef?

Saboo:
He's got no legs! He can't walk!

Tony Harrison:
How dare you. I come fully equipped with a papoose. If you need to move me around, I slide in the back like a peanut. If you're against the papoose system, I've got a wheel that clicks into my chin like a skate...

Saboo:
What are you, a kit? Am I gonna have to assemble this Kinder Egg and take him with me?

Bingo Announcer:
Sixty-two, avian flu: Number sixty-two.

Bingo Announcer:
Two bloody stumps: number eleven.

Bingo Announcer:
The age I lost my virginity: number forty-three.

Tony Harrison:
I've got it Saboo! An idea is formulating!

Saboo:
What?

Tony Harrison:
Fleetwood Mac's "Tusk," in its entirety!

Saboo:
Are you insane? There's at most... one track I can get away with off maybe... "Rumours."

Tony Harrison:
Come on! "Tusk," in its entirety, with the pauses as Lindsay Buckingham intended! Watch the room crumble at the aura of the H-Man!

Saboo:
Why not just give me a .44 so I can spray my brains across the decks?

Tony Harrison:
What is your beef with the Mac?

Saboo:
The same beef every right thinking man has, they are bullshit munchers!

Saboo:
Oi Sweetheart, wrap this sh*t up - you're having a nightmare!

Tony Harrison:
Feel my multi-hexagonal-textured-alien-barbed penis inside you!

Decapitated Lester Corncrake:
I don't like it!

Tony Harrison:
[Dennis has just decapitated Lester Corncake] Dennis, you dinlo, what the f*** are you doing? You just killed the wrong geezer!

Saboo:
You flipping truncheon!

Thug #1:
Oy, you, Bighead, come over 'ere.

Dennis:
[to his wife] I've got to go now, bye.

Thug #1:
Yo, lemme up, homes, I know your sista.

Dennis:
Yes, I do not have a sister.

Thug #1:
Don't back-chat me, Bighead, or I'll bust you up.

Dennis:
This "Bighead" business - I don't understand. I actually have a relatively small head for a man of my stature.

Thug #1:
I like your hat, man. Come'n let my mate Ricky borrow it, 'cause he likes it.

Dennis:
This would not suit Ricky.

Thug #1:
Thing about Ricky is hats do suit him. He's got one of those faces.

Dennis:
That may be so, but it is forbidden for a mortal peasant to touch the garments of a shaman.

Thug #1:
[to Thug #3] Wixy, bust out the knife! Jab up this joker!

Dennis:
Ah! Swordplay!

Dennis:
[stabs thugs]

Dennis:
Onward, to Oddbins!

Dennis:
[after seeing that Naboo has no genitalia] My god. As smooth as the bonnet of a Porsche.

Tony Harrison:
[Saboo and Tony Harrison are DJing] I've got it, Saboo! A concept is formulating! Fleetwood Mac's "Tusk" in its entirety!

Saboo:
[groans]

Tony Harrison:
Watch the room crumble at the awe of the H-man.

Saboo:
Are you insane? That's the most one-track I could get away with off... maybe, "Rumors".

Tony Harrison:
Oh, come of it. "Tusk", in its entirety, with the pauses, as Lindsey Buckingham intended it to be heard.

Saboo:
Yeah, why don't you just give me a .44 so I can spray my brains on the decks?

Tony Harrison:
What is your beef with the Mac?

Saboo:
The same beef every right-thinking man has: they are bullshit-munchers.

Tony Harrison:
When are you gonna start thinking outside the box?

Saboo:
The box is there for a reason; to keep ball-men like you inside it.

Tony Harrison:
You are so square! What do you want to lay down?

Saboo:
I would like to play "Would I Lie to You" by Charles and Eddie.

Tony Harrison:
Ahhhhh... all right, fair enough. Good choice. Slam it down.

Dennis:
[before decapitating Lester Corncake, thinking him to be Vince] Aha! Prepare to die, you prancing tit!

Vince Noir:
[Howard has just revealed that he is a virgin] Come on, Howard. It doesn't matter that you're a virgin. It's fine. Women respect that. They don't mind that you've not gone beyond the kiss.

Howard Moon:
[looks away]

Vince Noir:
You've never kissed anyone, have you?

Howard Moon:
So?

Vince Noir:
Have you ever held anyone's hand?

Howard Moon:
I don't like people touching me. Besides, I've had deeper relationships in my mind, at a distance, than you'll ever have in your lifetime, you know that.

Vince Noir:
Are you talking about the incident with the binoculars?

Howard Moon:
That was never proved.

Vince Noir:
It was in The Guardian.

Dennis:
[after seeing Vince and Howard kiss] I need to go home and rethink a few basic principles.

Montgomery Flange:
[Howard has "The Chokes" again] You're a good actor, Howard! Remember the pencil! Remember the pencil!

Howard Moon:
[Unfreezes] NO! NO! NOOO!

[Kicks the air]

Howard Moon:
HA-HA! NO! NO! NOOO! NO? NOOO! AHHHH!

[Falls exhausted into a crouch. The Audience goes wild]

Folksinger:
I twined her in my twisted beard... we walked among the standing stones... the light was fading on our match... so we stopped for lemon barley drinks...

Jurgen Haabemaster:
[Howard is watching a Black & White Art Film. A desolate beach, a skeleton] Life is pain... suicide is freedom...

Announcer:
Next on BBC Four, a seven-hour documentary on Dutch Avant Guarde Cinema. [Howard switches it off]

Montgomery Flange:
Ah, the Chokes! Chokus-Pocus!

Doctor:
[Clip from "The Doctor and the Pencil"] AHHH!

Pencil:
AHHH!

Doctor:
AHHH!

Pencil:
AHHH! [Back to the interview]

Jurgen Haabemaster:
So playful.

Vince Noir:
I'm a little bit peckish, have you got any olives?

Colin:
No

Vince Noir:
Hummus?

Colin:
No

Vince Noir:
Stuffed vine-leaves?

Howard Moon:
Don't kill me. I've got so much to give.

Fisherman:
The only person to have met Old Gregg and lived to tell the tale is Old Mr Hopkins, there.

Vince Noir:
Right, I'll ask him, see what's going on.

Fisherman:
You're welcome to try...

Vince Noir:
[to Mr. Hopkins] Hi, what was it like meeting Old Gregg?

Old Mr Hopkins:
Waaah! Waaaah! WAAAH!

Howard Moon:
Well, who cuts people's hair in the middle of the night?

Vince Noir:
I do! They call me the Midnight Barber.

Howard Moon:
Yeah, well that's an infringement of people's liberties. So don't ever be doing that to me.

Vince Noir:
I DO do it to you.

Howard Moon:
...what?

Vince Noir:
Who d'you think cuts your hair, Einstein?

Howard Moon:
My hair just doesn't grow very fast

Vince Noir:
What, you think it stays that length naturally? I'm in there in the night, styling away.

Howard Moon:
How dare you do that to me in the night, when I'm oblivious.

Vince Noir:
I do my best work when you're oblivious. I lean you up against the pillow, and I go at you.

Howard Moon:
That's perverted!

Vince Noir:
If I didn't, you' look like Stig of the Dump.

Vince Noir:
I haven't got anything inside, I'm like a beach ball.

Vince Noir:
Not everything has to be funny you know... Sometimes life can take a serious turn, colours can fade to black...

Howard Moon:
Have you got my script?

Howard Moon:
So if you're feeling blue...

John the Baptist:
[wearing Dark Glasses] because someone's been copying you...

Jesus:
[also wearing Dark Glasses] you don't automatically have to sue...

Spider Dijon:
Argh, my pancreas!

Rudy Van Disarzio:
Put away those fiery biscuits!

Howard Moon:
What the hell are you wearing?

Vince Noir:
[wearing a glitter jumpsuit] This... is the mirror ball suit.

Howard Moon:
[sighs] I've been up for four days trying to find our new musical direction, yeah? You're in this band as well! What have you been doing?

Vince Noir:
I do the costumes, you do the music. That's the agreement. And this, my friend, represents a major breakthrough on the sewing machine.

Howard Moon:
I'm not wearing that on stage.

Vince Noir:
I knew you'd say that. That's why I've made you... [pulls out brown jumpsuit] the tweed version! I call it the library suit. See this pocket? That's for your library card. See this pouch? Loose change, in case you've got any fines!

Howard Moon:
...That's pretty good, actually.

Howard Moon:
I've had a breakthrough. I think I found a new note in between B and C. I always knew it was there. I'm gonna call it Howard's Note.

Vince Noir:
Wow.

Howard Moon:
I'll tell you how it works, right? I took a note, sawtooth wave, right off this pantomime four, ran it back here, re-jammed it through itself, looped it back, mixed it with the sound of this crab committing suicide, and let it stew in its own reverb for about three hours, right? And then I pump it all out through this shoe, to give it that oaky timbre.

Vince Noir:
Cool! Let's hear it, then.

Vince Noir:
[singing] Cyborg Patrick, tell me what you dream / Clockwork Margaret, skating on my mouse mat / In your tiny circuit boots, shoes of the future!

Howard Moon:
Trousers of the past!

Spider Dijon:
If you want to say something, speak the plain English. Don't run around the house in a little car.

Spider Dijon:
Rudy, you ought to get that door in your head checked out. It's letting in all sorts of mambo jimbo.

Spider Dijon:
Your wife was not just free with me. She was free with everyone.

Rudy Van Disarzio:
My wife was like all women: strange... and evil!

Spider Dijon:
You keep trying to mold me into something I'm not! Well, you cannot make milk into cheese!

Rudy Van Disarzio:
Yes, you can.

Spider Dijon:
Bad example!

Spider Dijon:
This is all like Woodstock all over again. The idea is you play, and then you scram; but oh, no, you wouldn't listen, would you? You wanted to hang around, didn't you? And then we got loped into tidying up! You, me and Carlos Santana; hoovering for six weeks!

Rudy Van Disarzio:
Somebody had to clean up that mess.

Spider Dijon:
We should have just split like The Who. They were off in a shot. I didn't see Roger Daltrey in no flipping apron.

Rudy Van Disarzio:
They are selfish men. What goes around, comes around.

Spider Dijon:
What do you mean by this?

Rudy Van Disarzio:
Well, maybe one day, Daltrey will do the hoovering.

Spider Dijon:
You're absurd. Daltrey doesn't hoover for no one. He is his own man!

Rudy Van Disarzio:
[to his guitar] It's all right, Miranda. We are alone now.

Spider Dijon:
[referring to Betamax's wife] She was one hot piece of tape. When we made love, it was for sixty minutes... and sometimes, one hundred and eighty!

Spider Dijon:
[out in the desert] Eh, this place is bullshit. Where are the bars and the women?

Rudy Van Disarzio:
This is a place free of those distractions. Here it is written that a musician may find... The New Sound.

Spider Dijon:
What's it look like, this New Sound?

Rudy Van Disarzio:
It doesn't look like anything. It is a sound.

Spider Dijon:
Your wife told me everything. She told me of your affair.

Rudy Van Disarzio:
I was a good husband!

Spider Dijon:
Then why did she come home from work one day, huh, to find you with your guitar?

Rudy Van Disarzio:
[flustered] That was a misunderstanding. I was... naked, it was dark, I was changing a string, I became entangled!

Spider Dijon:
You expect me to believe this?

Rudy Van Disarzio:
Is it so wrong for a man to love a guitar?

Spider Dijon:
Yes it is if he PUTS HIS BALLS INSIDE IT AND STRUMS HIMSELF TO ECSTASY!

Spider Dijon:
Now I'm going to rewind you-like the b*tch you are!

[Howard and Vince have a meeting with a record executive]

Vince Noir:
You better start getting the magic potions out, Mowgli, or we're gonna hurt you.

Naboo:
All right, calm down.

[he hands them each a glass of yellow liquid]

Naboo:
This is Liquid Music. It'll turn you into musical geniuses.

Howard Moon:
What is this?

Naboo:
It's the tears of Mozart...

[they both drink it down]

Naboo:
...mixed with the urine of Mark Knopfler.

[Howard and Vince make a face]

Howard Moon:
How long does it last?

Naboo:
Three hours. Quick, run! Play like you've never played before!

[they leave fast]

Bollo:
You are truly wise, Naboo. Do you think with magic potion they will get record deal?

Naboo:
I doubt it - that was just Lucozade.

Rudy Van Disarzio:
Better a Priest than a Beast...

Rudy Van Disarzio:
How many times do I have to tell you? It's not a dress! It's a Sacred Robe!

Rudy Van Disarzio:
I have had enough of this talk now. I need to meditate, go away and digest what we have spoken about, come to an understanding of why I was right and you are wrong, and then I type it up and give it back to you in note form.

Crack Fox:
Everything's different in the world of me!

Crack Fox:
This old peach, why it's my hat sir! Look!

Vince Noir:
Yeah...

Crack Fox:
Peach Hat!

Dixon Bainbridge:
Naboo, are you in some shamanistic trance?

Naboo:
No, I'm listening to Fleetwood Mac.

Howard Moon:
Imagine the headlines. "Howard Moon"-colon- "Explorer." It's got a ring to it, hasn't it?

Vince Noir:
Colon explorer?

Howard Moon:
You know what I'm saying.

Vince Noir:
I think that's got the wrong ring to it.

Parka Creature:
[a small, mysterious entity concealed in a parka approaches Howard] [in a deep,booming voice] Look deep into the parka.

Howard Moon:
What?

Parka Creature:
Look deep into the parka. There are many things in here, things you could never dream of.

Howard Moon:
Like what?

Parka Creature:
Rubies.

Howard Moon:
I've dreamt of rubies.

Parka Creature:
Lesbian ham.

Howard Moon:
I'm not interested in your stupid dreams.

Vince Noir:
But actually, I better go and look for Howard, I'm a bit worried about him, so um... but, you know, I've had a really good time and uh, it's been great and, uh, I'll probably see you around, yeah?

Polar Bear:
Hold Me.

Vince Noir:
What?

Polar Bear:
[cheerlessly] Nothing.

Vince Noir:
Did you say 'Hold me'?

Polar Bear:
[in same despondent tenor] No.

Vince Noir:
[pauses. Twiddles fingers uneasily, then sits down beside Polar Bear and gingerly puts arm around him]

Howard Moon:
[wincing, sobs pathetically] Don't kill me! I've got so much to give!

Howard Moon:
Day 12... Vince dead. All is lost. So alone... Wind my only friend...

Wind:
[gusty whisper] I hate youuuuu...

Howard Moon:
Shut up Wind!

Howard Moon:
[about Bainbridge] What's he got that I haven't got?

Vince Noir:
A moustache.

Howard Moon:
What do you think this is I've got going on here?

Vince Noir:
[laughing] As if that's a moustache. That's a cappuccino stain.

Howard Moon:
How dare you? This is at least a mocha, OK? Don't be mockin' my mocha.

Howard Moon:
Vince, this is difficult for me, but I feel as though I should say this. I love you, Vince.

Vince Noir:
[Tries to stifle his laughter]

Howard Moon:
What are you doing?

Vince Noir:
[laughing quietly] Nothing.

Howard Moon:
Are you laughing?

Vince Noir:
No.

Howard Moon:
You better not be laughing at me now.

Vince Noir:
[ontinues to laugh]

Howard Moon:
I'm telling you I love you. How dare you laugh at me.

Vince Noir:
You make me laugh.

Howard Moon:
That is so humiliating.

Vince Noir:
You just caught me off guard.

Howard Moon:
Really.

Vince Noir:
Yeah, it was out of the blue.

Howard Moon:
Well, I'm telling you I love you, and you're laughing at me.

Vince Noir:
Well, I love you.

Howard Moon:
You don't love me.

Vince Noir:
I do.

Howard Moon:
You're just saying that because I said it to you. It doesn't work. It doesn't mean anything.

Vince Noir:
No, I love you.

Howard Moon:
No, you don't.

Naboo:
What's in it for me?

Dixon Bainbridge:
I don't know, a Kit Kat.

Vince Noir:
Seriously though, you should check out my icy wardrobe.

Howard Moon:
What, the human Coke can?

Vince Noir:
This is the glam rock ski suit!

Howard Moon:
The arctic is no respector of fashion, Vince. You know, never take the tundra lightly. It can drive a man insane. You know what it is about this place, that can get to a man?

Vince Noir:
Not really.

Howard Moon:
Have a look through there, what do you see?

Vince Noir:
[looks through binoculars] Nothing.

Howard Moon:
Exactly. It's the nothingness... the whiteness... the endless... ness. Stretching on beyond the human imagination. Desolation of the soul. Oh my Gooooooooooood!

[raps]

Howard Moon:
Ice floe, nowhere to go / Ice floe, nowhere to go / Lost in the blinding whiteness of the tundraaaaaa / Check him out.

[Vince dances]

Howard Moon:
They call him the shrew! Arms in short, then with the claw!

Vince Noir:
I'm little Johnny Frostbite, moving around / Freezing you up, freezing you down / Like an icicle / Coming in your tent in the pink light, scissorbite/

Vince Noir, Howard Moon:
Arctic death!

Vince Noir:
Infinite night!

Howard Moon:
Call me Tundra Boy / Cause I move like an arctic

Vince Noir, Howard Moon:
Lizard!

Howard Moon:
When the blizzard strikes / I disappear like a pipe dream

Vince Noir, Howard Moon:
All that's left is the gleam!

Howard Moon:
On a tent peg

Vince Noir, Howard Moon:
Boosh, Boosh / Stronger than a moose / Don't lock your door or we'll come through your rooftop / Stop, look around, take your mind off the floor / Cause the Boosh is loose / And we're a little bit raaaaw! /Ice floe, nowhere to go / Ice floe, nowhere to go / Lost in the blinding whiteness of the tundraaaa!

Howard Moon:
...yeah?

Vince Noir:
All right! You proved your point, in song format!

Howard Moon:
Yeah, well maybe you'll take this place a bit more seriously now.

[gets hit in the face with a snowball]

Vince Noir:
Come on, Howard, let's go, the egg's not 'round here.

Howard Moon:
Stop tugging me mink! I'm not going anywhere. The egg is around here, I can sense it.

Vince Noir:
Did you say mink? That's not very P.C. it? You're supposed to be a zookeeper.

Howard Moon:
This is the arctic, Vince. Different rules apply out here, you know? It's kill or be killed.

Vince Noir:
What, by a mink?

Howard Moon:
They get very big out here, the mink.

[gesturing at floor-length mink coat]

Howard Moon:
This is just one mink, this whole outfit. It's true.

Vince Noir:
No way! I read a pamphlet.

Howard Moon:
So? I once looked at a hedge. What's your point?

Vince Noir:
It was a mink pamphlet. "Minky Monthly". There were loads of them on the front. It said in there that it takes about ninety mink to make a small ladies' glove.

Howard Moon:
That's 'cause they're really crap at sewing.

Howard Moon:
[into tape recorder] Howard Moon's journal, day four. Many men have searched for the egg of Mantumbi. Many have failed. One man shall succeed. And I, Howard Moon, shall be that man.

Howard Moon:
[gets hit in the face with snowball]

Vince Noir:
[laughs]

Howard Moon:
Stop doing that!

Vince Noir:
What?

Howard Moon:
It's not funny.

Vince Noir:
It's hilarious!

Howard Moon:
It isn't, okay? Do it again, and I'll come at you like a buzzard.

Vince Noir:
Come on, Howard, let's go, the egg's not 'round here.

Howard Moon:
Stop tugging me mink! I'm not going anywhere. The egg is around here, I can sense it.

Vince Noir:
Did you say mink?

Howard Moon:
Yeah.

Vince Noir:
That's not very P.C, is it? You're supposed to be a zookeeper!

Howard Moon:
This is the arctic, Vince. Different rules apply out here, you know? It's kill or be killed.

Vince Noir:
What, by a mink?

Howard Moon:
...They get very big out here, the mink. This is just one mink, this whole outfit. It's true.

Vince Noir:
No way.

Howard Moon:
It's true!

Vince Noir:
No way! I read a pamphlet!

Howard Moon:
So? I once looked at a hedge. What's your point?

Vince Noir:
It was a mink pamphlet. Minky Monthly. There were loads of 'em on the front. Said in there, it takes about ninety mink to make a small ladies' glove.

Howard Moon:
That's because they're really crap at sewing.

Vince Noir:
[Vince laughs]

Howard Moon:
You like that?

Vince Noir:
That's quite good, yeah.

Dixon Bainbridge:
I don't like to finish on a downer. Here's a song: Turn around. Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round. Turn around. Every now and then I get a little bit worried that the best of all my years have gone by.

Dixon Bainbridge and Bob Fossil:
[Bob Fossil starts dancing] And I need you now tonight! And I need you more than ever! And if you only hold me tight! We'll be holding on forever! And we'll only be making it right...