The Nutty Professor

The Nutty Professor

The Nutty Professor is about grossly overweight Prof. Sherman Klump, desperate to lose weight takes a special chemical that turns him into the slim but obnoxious Buddy Love.

Year:
1996
6,978 Views

Buddy Love:
Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes? Alright! Your mother's so fat, the b*tch needs Thomas Guide to find her a**hole! Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the b*tch! Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck! Reggie's mother's so fat, that the b*tch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib! Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib! HAHAHAHAHAHA! [walks onto the stage, still laughing hysterically]

Reggie Warrington:
Hey, hey, get off the stage, man! You ain't in show business.

Buddy Love:
Reggie's mama is so fat, her blood type is Rocky Road! His mother is so fat, her belt size is Equator. Get it, equator. Let's give a big round of applause for Reggie's mama's ass, that brought us so much joy tonight. That's a big ass!

Reggie Warrington:
ENOUGH! SILENCE! I can't take this sh*t no more! Now you done talked about me enough, boy! I tried to be peaceful, but now it's time for Reggie to "Karatacize" your ass!

Buddy Love:
Whooooo!

Reggie Warrington:
Aw yeah.

[Reggie takes off hat, revealing his ridiculous-looking hair, and Buddy and the audience start laughing.]

Buddy Love:
Oh, Reggie! I've heard of "Dreadlocks", but "Shitlocks?!" That's not your hair! Take that pile of sh*t off your head, man! You’re craz- you just go too far with the comedy!

Reggie Warrington:
[karate yells] Come on! Come on!

Buddy Love:
What’s that?

Reggie Warrington:
Aw yeah, that’s my style boy, you didn’t know Reggie studied.

Buddy Love:
What style is that?

Reggie Warrington:
It’s called "kick your ass style", boy!

Buddy Love:
Oh sh*t.

Reggie Warrington:
Reggie done studied on the streets!

[Reggie tries to kick Buddy, but Buddy grabs his foot, and flips him over. Buddy laughs hysterically, Reggie glowers, and turns back around]

Reggie Warrington:
Aw, you quick, but I’m quicker. Watch my feet.

Buddy Love:
Well come on with it.

Reggie Warrington:
Imma come on with it, Imma come on with it, Imma co-[karate yells again]

[Reggie tries to punch him, but Buddy grabs his arm, twists it, and bangs his head on the edge of the piano. He and Buddy sit at the piano.]

Buddy Love:
Ladies and gentlemen, me and Reggie wanna send one out to a very special lady in the house tonight! [to Carla Purdy] Loving you, is easy ‘cause you're beautiful! Do-do-do-do-do! Reggie?

[Buddy cracks Reggie's hand]

Reggie Warrington:
AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGHHHHHH... leggo.

Buddy Love:
That was pretty! Ladies and gentlemen, Reggie has left the building! Thank you, and good night!

[Buddy throws Reggie into the piano.]

Buddy Love:
Ladies and gentlemen, for my final demonstration - look out, David Copperfield - I'm about to make a 400-pound fat man... disappear FOREVER! [produces a vial of serum]

Jason:
[off-screen] NOOO!!! [enters the auditorium; angrily advances towards the stage] Wait! I can not... let you do this... any more! This... has got... to stop! [runs onto the stage; stands next to Buddy and points at him] This man is trying to kill Professor Sherman Klump!

Papa Klump:
Oh, that's it! I'm glad I brought my knife! [reaches into his pocket]

Mama Klump:
Mm-hmm. And I got my razor. [opens her purse]

Jason:
[to Buddy] Hand over the vial now!

Buddy Love:
Oh, sure thing, hamster boy! But first, a short musical interlude! [punches Jason, sending him flying into some trombones; the audience gasps]

Carla Purty:
[angry] BUDDY! What has gotten into you, and where's Sherman?!

Buddy Love:
Sherman is GONE! Disappeared! [more gasps; Mama and Papa Klump look at each other in confusion] And that's a pretty good trick for a man with an ass as big as his! [his watch beeps] Ooh, I'm late for an appointment. Ladies and gentlemen, say goodbye to Sherman Klump! [prepares to drink the vial, but Jason pops back up]

Jason:
I hate being called "hamster boy". [punches Buddy, causing him to drop the vial; the audience gasps again. He then clutches his fist in pain]

Buddy Love:
[amused] You just don't know when to quit, do you? [goes to punch Jason again, but Sherman's fist appears instead of his; the audience gasps once more]


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