The Office

The Office

This U.S. adaptation -- set at a paper company in Scranton, Pa. -- has a similar documentary style to that of the Ricky Gervais-led British original. It features the Dunder-Mifflin staff, which includes characters based on roles in the British show -- and, quite possibly, people with whom you work in your office. There's Jim, the likable employee who's a bit of an every man. Jim has a thing for receptionist-turned-sales-rep Pam -- because office romances are always a good idea! There's also Dwight, the co-worker who is successful but devoid of social skills and common sense.

Genre: Comedy
  The Office Screenplay »
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Year:
2005
46,779 Views

[repeated line]

Michael Scott:
That's what *she* said.

Michael Scott:
Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you are nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you, and that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then... Then suddenly she's not your ho no mo'!

Michael Scott:
[rides into office on very old and very used 10-speed bike and stops at Pam's desk] Hey! I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candy Pams. And perhaps some Pam chops... with mint.

Pam Beesly:
Can I help you Michael?

Michael Scott:
I'm looking for the Toy Drive box.

Pam Beesly:
It's behind you.

Michael Scott:
[turns around to see Toy Drive pile full of brand-new, unopened toys. Leans his old bike against wall] Okay. Well, I need to put this bike in there. I hope it will fit, with all these little knickknacks.

Jim Halpert:
Wow. What kind of bike is that?

Michael Scott:
Um. I don't know. Average kind.

Kevin Malone:
That tires look pretty worn.

Michael Scott:
Well, that is probably from the test drive.

Jim Halpert:
But the paint is chipping. Is that your old bike, Michael?

Michael Scott:
No.

Michael Scott:
[Carol exits office after breaking up with Michael] I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is canceled.

Stanley Hudson:
You can't cancel a holiday.

Michael Scott:
Keep it up, Stanley, and you'll lose New Year's.

Stanley Hudson:
What does that mean?

Michael Scott:
[voice starting to break] Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.

Dwight Schrute:
It appears we're one bathrobe short.

Michael Scott:
Take it from Toby.

Carol Stills:
[shows Michael a framed photograph of her 2 kids, herself and a man on a ski trip. Michael Photoshopped his face in place of Carol's ex-husband's face] What is this?

Michael Scott:
[laughing] That is my Christmas card. It's a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip, having a blast. "Ski-eason's Greetings."

Carol Stills:
No. See, we never went on a ski trip.

Michael Scott:
[holding back laughs] I know. I know.

Carol Stills:
I went on a ski trip two years ago with my kids and my ex-husband.

Michael Scott:
Right. Yes, but what you didn't realize at the time was that I was with you, in a sense, I was in your heart...

Carol Stills:
[interrupts him] Michael...

Michael Scott:
...and next to your kids. What?

Carol Stills:
This is so weird.

Michael Scott:
I don't understand.

Jim Halpert:
[to the camera] It's a bold move to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. Is "bold" the right word?

Karen Filippelli:
Does anyone ever stand up to Angela? Or...

Pam Beesly:
I think one of her cats did once. She came in with scratches all over her face.

Angela:
[Dunder Mifflin party planning committee meets in conference room to discuss holiday party festivities for the office] Phyllis, I need you to pick up green streamers at lunch.

Phyllis Lapin:
I thought you said green was whorish.

Angela:
No. Orange is whorish.

[Camera pulls back to show Phyllis wearing an orange blouse]

Karen Filippelli:
So, I had a couple ideas to make the Stamford branch feel more at home. Each year, we have a Christmas raffle...

Angela:
It would never work here.

Karen Filippelli:
Okay. Um, another idea was karaoke.

Angela:
No.

Karen Filippelli:
A Christmas drinking game?

Meredith:
Yes!

Angela:
God help you.

Karen Filippelli:
What?

Angela:
These are all terrible ideas. And none of them are on the theme of a Nutcracker Christmas. I think you should leave.

Karen Filippelli:
[laughs nervously, unsure what to do] You're kidding.

Angela:
You tried this out, and it's clearly not for you. It's time to go. Come on. Please? Thank you.

[Karen looks to Pam for help, but Pam awkardly looks down at some papers leaving Karen to fend for herself. Angela rises and shows Karen to the door. Karen leaves the meeting]

Jim Halpert:
You just had a rebound.

Michael Scott:
I had a rebound.

Jim Halpert:
Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction. But, when it's over, you're left thinking about the girl you really like, the one that broke your heart.

Michael Scott:
You walk out that door and it is over.

Carol Stills:
I know.

[walks out door]

Dwight Schrute:
Monkey, this is possum. Do you copy?

Angela:
Copy, possum. What's your 20?

Dwight Schrute:
It is my job to be there for Michael. How can I be there for Michael if I am here for Michael?

Dwight Schrute:
Pam and Karen, I am ordering you to cease and desist all party planning immediately.

Pam Beesley:
You can't do that.

Dwight Schrute:
As ranking number three in this office, I am order...

Andy:
[grunts] I'm number three.

Dwight Schrute:
You're number four.

Andy:
Yeah, but I'm number three.

Dwight Schrute:
Uh, no.

[to Pam]

Dwight Schrute:
You must turn over to me all Christmas decorations and party paraphernalia immediately. They will be returned to you on January 4th.

Jim Halpert:
Okay, I think I can help here.

Dwight Schrute:
Okay, good. They...

Jim Halpert:
As ranking number two, I am starting a committee to determine the validity of the two committees, and I am the sole member of the committee. The committee act on this now.

Dwight Schrute:
Okay, this is stupid.

Jim Halpert:
Could you please keep it down? I'm in session.

[long pause]

Jim Halpert:
I have determined that this committee is valid.

Dwight Schrute:
What? No! No! Wait! Wait, wait, wait.

[thinks about it]

Dwight Schrute:
Permission to join the Validity Committee.

Jim Halpert:
Permission denied.

Dwight Schrute:
Damn it.

Jim Halpert:
What do we have here?

Dwight Schrute:
What does it look like?

Jim Halpert:
Dead goose.

Dwight Schrute:
And circle gets the square.

Angela:
Hey! Excuse me! Waitress lady! Hey! Where do you think you're going with that?

Nikki:
I thought I could have it.

Angela:
No, you can't have it. I don't walk into your house and steal your Hello Kitty backpack.

Jim Halpert:
So what is the problem?

Dwight Schrute:
Angela.

Jim Halpert:
I don't know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I've been faced with a tough decision, there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew, every instinct, every rational calculation.

Dwight Schrute:
Some sort of virus?

Jim Halpert:
Love.

Dwight Schrute:
Oh.

Jim Halpert:
Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who's gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have.

Dwight Schrute:
You're a good assistant, Jim.

Michael Scott:
You know what, Phyllis? I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because, if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?

Michael Scott:
If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no... government, and... things could get terrible. It actually, probably, it would be a better... screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.

Michael Scott:
[whispering] Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life, and in the office, As...

Jan Levinson:
-trid.

Michael Scott:
-trid Levinson! Hi! [holds Astrid up] Astrid, this is everybody. Look! This is your family! [Kevin waves, Dwight smiles] You're going to know them for the rest of your life!

Jan Levinson:
Well...

Michael Scott:
Well, he may not be here. [indicates Creed] Say hello! Okay, here we go. Lion King! [lifts Astrid over his head]

Jan Levinson:
Woah, Michael Michael MICHAEL!

Michael Scott:
Ready to play some games? Let's do it!

Kevin Malone:
Michael, the baby's already been born.

Michael Scott:
Yeah, duh...

Kevin Malone:
So, we had games planned, but the baby ruins all of them.

Michael Scott:
[angrily] No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin. Okay? The baby... multiplies the fun. Let's just... do what you were going to do.

Kevin Malone:
Okay... who wants to guess when the baby will be born?

Stanley Hudson:
I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don't get sore too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

Andy Bernard:
So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth. [Angela rolls her eyes]

Jan Levinson:
Well actually, I uh, I had a tub birth. That was really, really quite amazing.

Angela Martin:
You gave birth in a *tub*?

Jan Levinson:
Yeah, it's... it's a really nice transition from womb to, to world, you know? Kinda like a big womb...

Kelly Kapoor:
Umm, so you're in the tub with... everything?

Jan Levinson:
Oh yeah, the afterbirth floats. Yeah. [smiles]

Creed Bratton:
Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.

Jan Levinson:
Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.

Creed Bratton:
[shakes his head] Ugh...

Stanley Hudson:
I'm done. [walks out]

Oscar Martinez:
Me too. [follows Stanley]

Jan Levinson:
[wakes up on couch] Oh, I was just catching up on my sleep.

Holly Flax:
I can imagine!

Jan Levinson:
...Where's Astrid?

Holly Flax:
Oh, I think she's on a sales call.

Jan Levinson:
On a what?

Holly Flax:
[holds hand like a phone] "Wahhh, more paper! Wahhh!" [giggles as Jan stares blankly] No, she's just uhh, on a coffee break.

Holly Flax:
[sarcastically] That's funny.

Holly Flax:
...She's with Angela.

Michael Scott:
Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it could get us both in trouble. So, officially, I did not see her.

[smiles]

Michael Scott:
But I did see Jan there... in our room... at night... and in the morning.

[tries not to smile]

Michael Scott:
And that's all I'm going to say.

[pause]

Michael Scott:
Sex. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.

[smiles into camera]

Toby:
You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR.

Michael Scott:
I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you, you skeevy little perv?

Toby:
All right. If you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it.

Michael Scott:
No, no. No, I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on Earth. Got enough, weirdo?

Michael Scott:
I got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great. You know, they just relax, they party all the time.

Pam Beesly:
It's kind of an impoverished country.

Michael Scott:
Yeah. Gosh. Great.

Michael Scott:
Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin Warehouse Inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it.

Angela Martin:
By the end of the day? That's impossible.

Michael Scott:
The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible."

Jim Halpert:
Yep, it's English. It's "impossible."

Michael Scott:
I have a special assignment for you.

Dwight Schrute:
Who's the target?

Michael Scott:
A sensitive e-mail has been released into the office. It contains a file. A picture. The filename is Jamaica Jan Sun Princess.

Dwight Schrute:
What's it of?

Michael Scott:
Not important.

Dwight Schrute:
Unless you're willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment.

Michael Scott:
Okay, then forget it.

Dwight Schrute:
Okay, I accept it.

Michael Scott:
That photo is my personal property, and if you are telling me that you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am gonna call the cops.

Toby:
Michael, nine different people e-mailed me that photo, including my ex-wife and... we don't talk.

Michael Scott:
Well, this is probably the icebreaker you need.

Toby:
Hey, I need to talk to you...

Michael Scott:
Not now, not ever.

Phyllis Lapin:
I've called every grocery store in Scranton and no one sells whole pigs.

Angela Martin:
Did you try the petting zoo?

[last lines]

Kevin Malone:
What am I going to do? I'm going to hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art.

Jim Halpert:
God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head.

Pam Beesley:
I'm just saying, Roy is very competitive and he wants to take the WaveRunners to the lake this Saturday, so...

Jim Halpert:
Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names, and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along.

Pam Beesley:
Um... I think I'm gonna be up at the lake.

Jim Halpert:
I think I'll see you at the mall. Yeah.

Michael Scott:
I know. Grumble, grumble, but you would follow me to the ends of the earth grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from "Lord of the Rings."

Dwight Schrute:
Gimli.

Michael Scott:
Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.

Dwight Schrute:
Just trying to be helpful.

Michael Scott:
[mimicking Dwight] "I'll help. Elwyn Dragonslayer. Ten points, power sword."

Jim Halpert:
That's him.

[Michael attempts to assemble a basketball team and Oscar, of Mexican descent, approaches]

Oscar:
I can help out if you need me.

Michael Scott:
I will use your talents come baseball season. Or if we box.

Michael Scott:
Who's ahead in points?

Pam Beesly:
I think they're even. At various times you gave Jim 10 points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs-up. And I don't really know how to compare those units.

Michael Scott:
Well, check to see if there is a conversion chart in the notebook.

Pam Beesly:
I really doubt it, Michael.

Michael Scott:
Please, just check.

Oscar Martinez:
If either of these guys are put in charge of the office, I will transfer to Albany. Gil can come if he wants. I'm kinda looking for a way out of that relationship anyway. I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see.

Andy Bernard:
I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard.

[throws a stone]

Michael Scott:
I want today to be a beautiful memory that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it, then it'll suck.

[before the Hot Dog eating contest]

Stanley Hudson:
I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on.

Pam Beesly:
Hey. I wanna say something. I've been trying to be more honest lately, and I just need to say a few things. I did the coal walk. Just... I did it. Michael, you couldn't even do that. Maybe I should be your boss. Wow, I feel really good right now. Why didn't any of you come to my art show? I invited all of you. That really sucked. It's like sometimes some of you act like I don't even exist. Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends. And things are just, like, weird between us, and that sucks. And I miss you. You were my best friend before you went to Stamford. And I really miss you. I shouldn't have been with Roy. And there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding. But the truth is, I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you. And now you're with someone else. And that's fine. It's... Whatever. That's not what I'm... I'm not... Okay, my feet really hurt. The thing that I'm just trying to say to you, Jim, and to everyone else in the circle, I guess, is that I miss having fun with you. Just you, not everyone in the circle. Okay, I am gonna go walk in the water now. Yeah. It's a good day.

Michael Scott:
Pam! That was amazing! But I am still looking for someone with a sales background.

Michael Scott:
Everybody, may I have you attention, please? Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach.

Stanley Hudson:
Oh, sweet mother of God.

Michael Scott:
If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus.

Stanley Hudson:
Excuse me?

Michael Scott:
Or the front of the bus or drive the bus.

Pam Beesly:
About 40 times a year, Michael gets sick but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned.

Pam Beesly:
There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach filled with sun, surf, and uh, diligent note-taking.

[Discussing his chosen team leaders]

Michael Scott:
Jim Halpert. Pros: Smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: Not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in half an hour. So that should tell you something. [... ] Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot. [... ] I am also considering Stanley because of all the good that black people have done for America. [... ] Andy Bernard. Pros: He's classy, he gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him.

Michael Scott:
Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?

Oscar Martinez:
I don't wear a Speedo, Michael.

Michael Scott:
Well, you can't swim in leather pants.

Kevin Malone:
I just wanna lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.

Michael Scott:
What happens to a company if somebody takes a boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It's like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.

[as everybody is getting off the bus]

Michael Scott:
Watch out for snakes.

Michael Scott:
[choosing team names for the company's beach day] We are going to choose team names. Dwight.

Dwight Schrute:
We will be called Gryffindor.

Jim Halpert:
Really? Not Slytherin?

Dwight Schrute:
Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.

Jim Halpert:
I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort.

Dwight Schrute:
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? I wouldn't do that.

Jim Halpert:
[with his team, while Dwight tells them not to] Voldemort. Voldemort. Voldemort. Voldemort. Voldemort.

Michael Scott:
Idiots. Idiots. Okay, okay. Stanley, your team name?

Stanley:
I don't care what you name my team.

Michael Scott:
Then I will name your team the Red Team.

Stanley:
No, the Blue Team.

[to a Ben Franklin scholar whom he thinks is a stripper]

Michael Scott:
Hello! You wearing a thong?

Michael Scott:
So I am instituting prima nocta.

Jim Halpert:
[to the camera] Prima nocta, I believe, from the movie "Braveheart" and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So...

Michael Scott:
I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.

Michael Scott:
Wow. Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleazebag.

Jim Halpert:
[watching the stripper arrive in her car] Have you ever seen a stripper before?

Dwight Schrute:
Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on "Alias." It was one of her many aliases.

Jim Halpert:
Yeah, me neither.

Elizabeth the Stripper:
[walks over to them] Hey. I'm Elizabeth. I'm the dancer that was requested.

Dwight Schrute:
Okay. I specifically ordered a stripper.

Elizabeth the Stripper:
I'm the stripper.

Dwight Schrute:
Oh, okay. Good. Well, in the future, please identify yourself as such. Okay.

Jim Halpert:
[reads a text he just got from Michael on his phone] Oh, God.

Dwight Schrute:
[reads the text aloud] "Is she hot?"

[looks at her]

Dwight Schrute:
Text back, "Kind of."

[Michael is grilling steaks for Bob Vance's bachelor party]

Ryan Howard:
Is it the same grill you grilled your foot on?

Michael Scott:
No. Yes, but I got all the foot off of it.

Ryan Howard:
Oh, gross.

Michael Scott:
Guys! Beef, it's what's for dinner. Who wants some man meat?

Dwight Schrute:
I do! I want some man meat!

Jim Halpert:
Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.

Michael Scott:
Sort of a guys' night out. A G.N.O., if you will. A gno. Actually, it's more of a guys' afternoon in. A G.A.I. A gay.

[the girls all sn*gger]

Michael Scott:
Not... Not... It's not gay. It's just a... It's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour-long shower with guys.

Dwight Schrute:
I don't care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I'm 99% sure.

Jim Halpert:
Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.

Dwight Schrute:
[ordering a stripper over the phone] Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles. No tats. No, *tats*. Of course, I want...

Jim Halpert:
[interrupts] Stop. That's disgusting.

Michael Scott:
[to the camera while he's making a film for his future son] And remember, no matter what, I will always love you.

Dwight Schrute:
What if he's a murderer?

Michael Scott:
He's not going to be a murderer.

Dwight Schrute:
Maybe that's how you die?

Todd Packer:
A stripper is Bachelor Party 101. If you don't get a stripper, your party's gonna suck hard.

Michael Scott:
I can't get a stripper here. Sexual harassment.

Todd Packer:
Get one for the girls, too. That evens it out. Like, you know, seperate but equal.

Michael Scott:
So that's what that means.

Angela Martin:
[protesting] Under no circumstances should a man strip off his clothes in this office.

Meredith Palmer:
[shouts angrily] Shut up, Angela!

Michael Scott:
Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?

Elizabeth the Stripper:
"Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone."

Elizabeth the Stripper:
[snacking on Pam's desk candy] Oh, my God, I would get so fat if I worked here.

Pam Beesly:
Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time.

Kelly Kapoor:
So I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer.

[opens envelope and reads from card]

Kelly Kapoor:
Roses are red, violets are blue. It's time for your dental cleaning and maybe a checkup, too.

Dwight Schrute:
I trained my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.

Jim Halpert:
I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't going to sweep themselves.

Michael Scott:
Where's Andy?

Oscar Martinez:
He's on one of his honeymoons.

Michael Scott:
What?

Oscar Martinez:
He made nonrefundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he's hot-air ballooning, and later he's got a couples' massage.

Kevin Malone:
My worst breakup was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning. We were reading the paper and I said, "Oh, my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East." And she said that we're done.

Michael Scott:
I am going to be Cupid. And I'm going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims and they are going to get hit and say, "I'm in love. I was hit by Cupid's sparrow." Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.

Kevin Malone:
I think I blew it. It all happened so fast.

Kevin Malone:
[slowly] So fast.

Meredith Palmer:
She could be your soul mate.

Dwight Schrute:
Not likely. With three billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.

Kevin Malone:
I get very nervous talking to pretty girls. Seriously, feel how sweaty my hand is.

Michael Scott:
Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest...

Jim Halpert:
We do.

Michael Scott:
...that none of us can be a part of...

Pam Beesley:
You can't be a part of our relationship, Michael.

Michael Scott:
Then we are going to have our own private Valentine's Day party.

Jim Halpert:
That sounds fun.

Michael Scott:
So suck it.

Jim Halpert:
Yeah.

Michael Scott:
Hey, everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it, and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a lonely hearts convention this afternoon.

Dwight Schrute:
Just once, I would like to be a puppet master and have nothing go wrong. Is that too much to ask?

Michael Scott:
In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulous.

Dwight Schrute:
Don't worry, Michael. I'm taking us to shore.

Michael Scott:
It's a fake wheel, dummy.

Michael Scott:
I see the sales department as the furnace.

Phyllis:
A furnace?

Jim Halpert:
How old is this ship?

Pam Beesley:
How about the anchor?

Phyllis:
What does the furnace do?

Michael Scott:
All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace. It's just... It's the sales... I see the sales department are down there. They're in the engine room, and they're shoveling coal into the furnace. Right? I mean, who saw the movie "Titanic"? They were very important in the movie "Titanic." Who saw it? Show of hands.

Jim Halpert:
Not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right?

Michael Scott:
"Titanic."

Pam Beesley:
I think you're thinking of "The Hunt for Red October."

Jim Halpert:
Michael stands in front of the boat and says he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck.

Dwight Schrute:
[thinking he's steering the "Booze Cruise" boat] I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four and I was great. And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.

Jim Halpert:
[Michael's hands are tied to the rail of the Booze Cruise ship] What happened to you?

Michael Scott:
Captain Jack has a problem with authority.

Jim Halpert:
Right, 'cause you announced that his ship was sinking?

Michael Scott:
Yeah. He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic.

Jim Halpert:
What a night.

Michael Scott:
Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged.

Jim Halpert:
She was always engaged.

Michael Scott:
Roy said the first one didn't count.

Jim Halpert:
That's great. You know, to tell you the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam. So...

Michael Scott:
Really? You're kidding me. You and Pam? Wow! I would have never put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that.

[sighs]

Michael Scott:
You know I made out with Jan.

Jim Halpert:
Yeah, I know.

Michael Scott:
Yeah, yeah. Well, Pam is cute.

Jim Halpert:
Yeah. She's really funny, and she's warm, and she's just... Anyway.

Michael Scott:
Well, if you like her so much, don't give up.

Jim Halpert:
She's engaged.

Michael Scott:
BFD. Engaged ain't married.

Jim Halpert:
Huh.

Michael Scott:
[Uncharacteristically serious] Never, ever, ever give up.

Jan Levinson-Gould:
There are always a million reasons not to do something.

Michael Scott:
I think this is gonna work out great. Because managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job, and I haven't been there in months.

Kevin:
I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he'll try to beat you up.

Jim Halpert:
Thanks for the heads-up, Kev.

Kevin:
I got your back, if he does. But try to stay out of it.

Meredith:
Hi. I'm Meredith, and I'm an alch... Good at supplier relations.

Michael Scott:
Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza. Do black people like pizza?

Michael Scott:
Why does society force us to use urinals, when sitting down is far more comfortable?

Dwight Schrute:
[noticing the women having a meeting] That's a terrible idea.

Jim Halpert:
What is?

Dwight Schrute:
Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long, they're gonna get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.

Michael Scott:
We'll get someone to clean that up.

Darryl:
We're the ones that gotta clean that up!

Meredith:
In five years, I'd like to be five years sober.

Jan Levinson-Gould:
That is an excellent goal.

Meredith:
Four and a half.

Dwight Schrute:
Michael wants us to bond, so we need topics for conversation.

Jim Halpert:
Ponies.

Dwight Schrute:
No.

Ryan Howard:
How about rainbows?

Dwight Schrute:
No.

Jim Halpert:
Flowers?

Dwight Schrute:
No!

Ryan Howard:
Makeup?

[Michael unbuttons his shirt to his navel and exposes his thick chest hair]

Michael Scott:
What is our beef, as human men?

Lonny:
You know, that's a good question, Hasselhoff.

Roy:
I hate it when girls insist on taking them out to new restaurants every weekend night, and then they're like, "When are we gonna go on a date-date?"

Dwight Schrute:
Yeah, and then they make you drive them to church the next morning. Like, gas ain't free.

Angela:
I'm not gaining anything from this seminar. I'm a professional woman, the head of Accounting. I'm in the healthiest relationship of my life. I just think it's insulting that Jan thinks we need this. And apparently, judging from her outfit, Jan aspires to be a whore.

Pam Beesley:
What? You have something you want to say?

Jim Halpert:
You gotta take a chance on something, sometime, Pam. I mean, do you want to be a receptionist here, always?

Pam Beesley:
[defensively] Oh, excuse me, I'm fine with my choices.

Jim Halpert:
You are?

Pam Beesley:
Yeah.

Jim Halpert:
You gotta take a chance on something, sometime, Pam.

Jan Levinson-Gould:
Sports metaphors are one of the ways women feel left out of the language of the office. Now, I know this might sound silly, but many women ask to go over it, so, "fumble" means...

Phyllis:
Mistake.

Meredith:
Slip.

Jan Levinson-Gould:
Right. "Par for the course" is a golf term. It means "right on track." "Below par" means "worse." Wait. That should mean better. That doesn't make sense.

Kelly Kapoor:
What about "second base"? Like, if Michael said he got to second base with you, does that mean you, like, closed a deal?

Jan Levinson-Gould:
Excuse me?

Kelly Kapoor:
I mean, that's a baseball term, right?

Jan Levinson-Gould:
I don't know what Michael was talking about. I don't know.

[Kelly turns to the camera and winks]

Michael Scott:
Now, you may look around and see two groups here. White collar, blue collar. But I don't see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.

Ryan Howard:
It makes perfect sense that it would happen today. Because I just received this in the mail.

[pulls out a box of business cards]

Ryan Howard:
A thousand business cards with this address and phone number.

Dwight Schrute:
What were your favorite moments?

Michael Scott:
Uh... All of them. I loved them all. Every single one of them.

Dwight Schrute:
What about when Jan said the branch was closing?

Michael Scott:
God, Dwight.

Dwight Schrute:
When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is "Something Weird is Going On: What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story." By Michael Scott with Dwight Schrute.

Jim Halpert:
I worked in Scranton for a really long time and... It's gonna be weird that it's all disappearing. I mean, I always knew that the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans.

Angela:
I don't want to blame anyone in particular; I think everyone's to blame.

Jim Halpert:
So, from time to time, I send Dwight faxes from himself from the future.

Dwight Schrute:
[reading fax] Dwight, at 8:00 a.m. today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight.

Dwight Schrute:
[sees Stanley about to drink the coffee and sprints across the office, knocking the cup out of Stanley's hand]

Dwight Schrute:
No!

[after knocking the cup to the floor]

Dwight Schrute:
You'll thank me later.

Dwight Schrute:
The eyes are the groin of the head.

Andy Bernard:
The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. The Party Planning Committee is my backup and Kevin's band is my safety.

Karen Filippelli:
I am the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Utica branch. Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else.

Michael Scott:
Why is she trying to take Stanley from us?

Stanley:
I think it's because of my sales record.

Michael Scott:
That could not possibly be it.

Michael Scott:
You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big, watery, red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left.

Michael Scott:
How can I get you to stay?

Stanley:
Money.

Michael Scott:
Yeah. We all want money. But there is none in the budget. So, tell me why you're really leaving.

Stanley:
Money.

Michael Scott:
Mo' money, mo' problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that. Let me ask you this, if I were...

Stanley:
Money.

Michael Scott:
So, why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex?

Jim Halpert:
What?

Michael Scott:
I can't imagine the sex being bad. I mean, her body is awesome.

Jim Halpert:
Okay, you know what? Why don't we play that alphabet game you were talking about?

Dwight Schrute:
And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guard in the eye with a jumbo chalk.

Jim Halpert:
No. No, you won't do that. Nope.

Dwight Schrute:
Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.

Jim Halpert:
Dwight, nothing with the eyes. Please?

[Jim, Michael and Dwight are in the car driving to Utica, Jim and Michael hear a strange noise]

Michael Scott:
What is that?

[looks around]

Michael Scott:
Dwight, are you peeing?

Dwight Schrute:
I'm peeing in this empty can.

Jim Halpert:
Oh, my God.

Michael Scott:
Oh, come on, man. That is disgusting, Dwight!

Dwight Schrute:
You said we couldn't make any more stops. I really had to go.

Michael Scott:
Oh, God!

Jim Halpert:
Michael, watch the road!

Dwight Schrute:
Hey, you're making me spray!

Michael Scott:
I'm going to kill you, man!

Jim Halpert:
Michael, Michael, pull over!

Michael Scott:
That is just so disgusting.

Dwight Schrute:
I think I cut my penis on the lid.

Michael Scott:
[over the walkie-talkie] We are in the stairwell.

Dwight Schrute:
We are climbing some stairs. I am breathing heavily.

Jim Halpert:
Okay, you know what? You really don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.

Oscar:
Besides having sex with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.

Stanley:
I wasn't really planning on leaving. All I wanted was a raise. How on Earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius?

[laughs]

Stanley:
Sometimes I say crazy things.

Jim Halpert:
[in the car, talking to Dwight and Michael over the walkie talkie, he sees Karen nearby] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Karen's back.

Dwight Schrute:
Is it Karen?

Michael Scott:
Take her to a motel. Make love to her, Jim.

Jim Halpert:
No. I'm not doing that.

Michael Scott:
Just say you want to get back together.

Jim Halpert:
No. I'm not doing that.

Michael Scott:
It doesn't have to mean anything. Just do it for Stanley. Come on, Jim. Just climb on top of her and think about Stanley. Oh, God. [groaning]

Dwight Schrute, Michael Scott:
[chanting] Utica! Utica! Utica!

[Michael and Dwight updating Jim over the walkie-talkie]

Michael Scott:
There's a guy. There's a guy.

Dwight Schrute:
There's a security guard coming by. Hello. We're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof?

[Jim looks at the camera]

Security Guard:
Okay.

Michael Scott:
Oh, my God. That was very close.

Dwight Schrute:
I can see the security guard's eyes.

Jim Halpert:
No. No. Don't do anything to them.

Dwight Schrute:
I have to do something to his eyes.

[Jim talking to Michael and Dwight over the walkie-talkie]

Jim Halpert:
All right, Great Scott, if you found that choking hazard poster, just head on home.

Michael Scott:
[over walkie] We've got something far better, their crown jewel. Their industrial copier.

Jim Halpert:
Isn't that thing huge?

Dwight Schrute:
It's enormous, but it's got wheels. We're wheeling it down the hall into the stairwell. Get the car ready, keep the engine running.

Jim Halpert:
No. That is a terrible idea. Don't do this.

[Michael screams over the walkie as there is loud crashing heard, too]

Michael Scott:
[groaning] My hip bone! We're wedged between the copier and the railing! I'm stuck. Oh, my left hip!

Dwight Schrute:
Leave us, Jim! Leave us. Save yourself.

Michael Scott:
Help us. No! Don't leave us. We need help, Jim!

Jim Halpert:
Okay, first of all, stop using my name. And second of all...

Michael Scott:
You've got to move out!

Jim Halpert:
Damn it, guys!

Michael Scott:
[to Dwight] Would you move over just a little bit?

Dwight Schrute:
I'm losing control of my bladder!

[Jim, Karen, Rolando, and a security guard stand in the stairwell as Michael and Dwight are wedged in between the wall and the copier]

Security Guard:
They sprayed me in the eye.

Dwight Schrute:
[groaning] Scranton rules!

[Dwight sprays more Silly String off]

Michael Scott:
Stop! Stop it! Can you help me, please? I'm being crushed.

[Jim looks at the camera]

Ryan Howard:
Ever since I've gotten clean, there's something about fresh morning air that just really makes me sick.

Michael Scott:
If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company, and then another and another and another. I have no shortage of company names.

David Wallace:
Michael...

Michael Scott:
That's one of 'em. Yes. There are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court.

Michael Scott:
[shouting at Jim] Your doughnuts make me go nuts!

[first lines]

Michael Scott:
It's 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryan's parents or Pam's parents or my parents, you do. They're going to be in this van, with me. Who am I? Nothing to fear. I am just a 44-year-old guy with a paper route.

Dwight Schrute:
I say we fill Michael's office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor.

[David sighs]

Jim Halpert:
Really? Does he do good work or...

Dwight Schrute:
[scoffs] No, Jim, I use a bad apiarist.

[over David, Jim, and Charles deliberating]

Dwight Schrute:
Hey, let me float something out there, okay? Can I just say... Can I say something? There is a hive of bees outside the front door. We kidnap the queen, extract her alarm pheromones, place them on a flushable wipe, and put that in his bathroom.

Dwight Schrute:
Oh, man! If only Michael had children. That's how you really apply the pressure.

Charles Miner:
[sighing] What is wrong with you?

[telling Jim a case he's solved]

Dwight Schrute:
Okay, one, Case of the Beet Bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm, no footprints. Inside job, Mose in socks. Boom, case closed.

Michael Scott:
Well, well, well... How the turn tables.

Jim Halpert:
Hey, Andy.

Andy Bernard:
Yo.

Jim Halpert:
By any chance, did you see "Battlestar Galactica" last night?

Andy Bernard:
No, I did not. Was that any good?

Jim Halpert:
Actually not. It was really so-so.

Dwight Schrute:
Okay.

[Jim threatens with the stopwatch]

Andy Bernard:
I mean, I like all the crazy monsters and stuff, you know, like Klingons and Wookiees and all that, but...

[Dwight turns to respond, but Jim shows the stopwatch again]

Jim Halpert:
Sorry, was there something you wanted to add, Dwight?

Andy Bernard:
Is that anything like the original "Battlestar Galactica"?

Jim Halpert:
You know what's weird? It's practically a shot-for-shot remake.

Andy Bernard:
Really? Huh. That's cool.

Jim Halpert:
The story's kind of bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian...

Dwight Schrute:
Okay.

Jim Halpert:
...who needs to return the ring back to Mordor.

Andy Bernard:
That doesn't sound right.

Holly Flax:
Can anyone think of examples of things that are over-the-line time wasters?

Stanley Hudson:
This meeting.

Oscar Martinez:
Okay. Once in a while, I'll take a long lunch.

Michael Scott:
A siesta.

Dwight Schrute:
Time thief. Time thief. Fire him!

Jim Halpert:
Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time?

Dwight Schrute:
Never.

Michael Scott:
You are a thief of joy.

Business School Student:
How far has your Herfindahl Index declined since the merger?

Michael Scott:
Nice try. How's your Polack-says-what Index?

Business School Student:
What?

Michael Scott:
Thanks, Kowalski.

Michael Scott:
There are four kinds of business: tourism, food service, railroads, and sales.

[pause]

Michael Scott:
And hospitals/manufacturing. And air travel.

Business School Student:
What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain?

Michael Scott:
I say, "You will miss our service, and I absolutely guarantee you'll come back."

Business School Student:
Has anyone ever come back?

Michael Scott:
[pause] We don't want them back. They're stupid.

Michael Scott:
Yeah, sure. You know business. Sitting up here in your ivory tower

[gestures toward the black professor]

Michael Scott:
and your ebony tower.

Michael Scott:
Well, you know what? I tell you one thing: Dunder Mifflin is here to stay.

Business School Student:
But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain?

Michael Scott:
David will always beat Goliath.

Business School Student:
But there's five Goliaths. There's Staples, OfficeMax...

Michael Scott:
Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America: Al-Qaeda. Global warming. Sex predators. Mercury poisoning.

Michael Scott:
A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students, and then, like, 12 other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. Really ruined eighth grade for us.

Dwight Schrute:
I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

Michael Scott:
What is the most inspiring thing I ever said to you?

Dwight Schrute:
"Don't be an idiot." Changed my life.

[in a confessional after Dwight believes Jim was bitten by the bat]

Dwight Schrute:
If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a "Sylvania," like Pennsylvania. Now, that doesn't mean Jim is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ.

Michael Scott:
Meredith, I would like you to pretend you're from Abu Dhabi.

Meredith Palmer:
Hello.

Michael Scott:
I am ashamed at your naked face. I must cover it with my jacket. You are now sexy in your culture.

Jim Halpert:
Pam comes back from New York next week, and everyone here is just so excited for me. And involved. And intrusive. And weird.

Michael Scott:
Now I know what the founders of Phillip Morris felt like. You just want to give people a smooth, fun way to relax, and suddenly, you're just some terrible monster.

Michael Scott:
Daddy's here, and Daddy is going to take care of you.

Oscar Martinez:
Please don't refer to yourself as our daddy.

Michael Scott:
I am your big daddy, and I am going to kiss the boo-boo.

Michael Scott:
When I was in charge, this place was like Dave & Buster's, people just hanging out, having fun, eating apps. I don't know, it's like Dave died or something.

Jim Halpert:
There are other reasons to go to Ohio.

Pam Beesly:
[interrupting] We're getting married today.

Jim Halpert:
[laughs] So it turns out it's the closest place to get a marriage license without a three-day waiting period.

Pam Beesly:
Tell them how it happened.

Jim Halpert:
Okay, so we're going through all the wedding plans and, boy, it is complicated.

Pam Beesly:
And very expensive.

Jim Halpert:
Very expensive. 'Cause you say you want a small wedding and that's great, but then you have to...

Pam Beesly:
You can't leave anyone out.

Jim Halpert:
No one.

Pam Beesly:
Okay, just get to the good part.

Jim Halpert:
Right, so, this morning, we are having breakfast together and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, "You know what I want to do today? I want to marry you."

Pam Beesly:
I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I know he meant it.

Angela Martin:
Look, I hate to be "that" person, but I just don't like the general spirit of music.

[as Phyllis is lying on the floor from her back]

Dwight Schrute:
Hey, hey, hey, hey. I got your text. Who's Phillip?

Michael Scott:
No, no, no.

Dwight Schrute:
[to Phyllis] Who tipped you over? Was it Phillip?

Jim Halpert:
[to Pam] I'm in love with you.

Michael Scott:
[to Toby] I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.

Kevin:
I suck.

Darryl:
[explaining to Michael why he doesn't want fire-eaters in the warehouse for Casino Night] We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen.

Michael Scott:
That's ironic.

Darryl:
What?

Michael Scott:
That *you* are afraid.

Darryl:
Why? 'Cause I'm from the hood?

Michael Scott:
Dinkin flicka.

Darryl:
[to film crew] I taught Mike some phrases to help him with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, "Fleece it out." "Going mach five." "Dinkin flicka." You know, things us Negroes say.

Michael Scott:
Give me some.

[Mike and Darryl do choreographed handshake]

Darryl:
[laughing] Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too.

Michael Scott:
Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody.

Dwight Schrute:
[In response to Jim's claims of childhood telekinesis] I don't believe you. Continue.

Dwight Schrute:
I'm Michael's wingman. I've got his back. Two dates. He's got two dates tonight. My job is keep Jan away from Carol and vice versa. Michael said, "We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them."

Michael Scott:
Comedy's very much alive, as are homeless people.

Michael Scott:
There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians: JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head. And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams.

Michael Scott:
Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, someday.

Ryan Howard:
One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can.

Jim Halpert:
So, that's still going on, huh? You and Kelly?

Toby:
I don't really play cards, but I'm not going to lie to you. It felt really good to take money from Michael. Gonna chase that feeling.

Michael Scott:
AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

Jim Halpert:
Excuse me. How long is the wait for a table for two?

Dwight Schrute:
I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years.

Pam Beesley:
It's a nice tux.

Dwight Schrute:
I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom.

Michael Scott:
Why are you here?

Dwight Schrute:
When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection.

Michael Scott:
Not. I said, not that.

Michael Scott:
Hey, Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?

Pam Beesley:
It's still me.

Pam Beesley:
Sometimes I don't put Michael through until he's already said something. I look at it as a practice run for him. He usually does better on the second attempt.

Michael Scott:
Jan Levinson, I presume?

Pam Beesley:
It's still me.

Michael Scott:
Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming? I did.

Creed:
Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago.

Michael Scott:
I am no longer your boss. Lady Fortune is your boss.

Stanley:
Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?

Michael Scott:
Shut it, shut it, shut it.

Michael Scott:
Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently, it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Jim Halpert:
Nope. I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.

Michael Scott:
No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Phyllis:
Afghani.

Michael Scott:
What?

Phyllis:
Afghani.

Michael Scott:
That's a dog.

Pam Beesley:
No, that's Afghan.

Michael Scott:
That's a shawl.

Dwight Schrute:
Wait, canine AIDS?

Michael Scott:
No. Humans with AIDS.

Creed:
Who has AIDS?

Jim Halpert:
Guys, the Afghanistananies.

Michael Scott:
Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

Jim Halpert:
Hey, can I talk to you about something?

Pam Beesley:
About when you want to give me more of your money?

Jim Halpert:
No, I...

Pam Beesley:
Did you want to do that now? We can go inside. I'm feeling kind of good tonight.

Jim Halpert:
I was just... I'm in love with you.

Pam Beesley:
[No longer smiling] What?

Jim Halpert:
I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just...

Pam Beesley:
[Stunned] What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?

Jim Halpert:
I just needed you to know. Once.

Pam Beesley:
Well, I... I... I can't.

Jim Halpert:
Yeah.

Pam Beesley:
You have no idea...

Jim Halpert:
Don't do that.

Pam Beesley:
...what your friendship means to me.

Jim Halpert:
Come on. I don't want to do that. I wanna be more than that.

Pam Beesley:
I can't.

[a small tear runs down Jim's face]

Pam Beesley:
I'm really sorry if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault.

Jim Halpert:
[Trying to recover] Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.

Michael Scott:
Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna...

Toby:
Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's... You know, there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse and it's a school night... And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going?

Michael Scott:
Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.

Michael Scott:
I set the rules, and you follow them blindly, okay? And if you have a problem with that, then you can talk to our complaint department. It's a trashcan.

Michael Scott:
I have a very difficult decision to make. It's like last week I was at the video store. Do I watch "Devil Wears Prada" again or do I finally get around to seeing "Sophie's Choice"? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision.

Phyllis Vance:
[to Pam] Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout.

Andy Bernard:
Oh, it is on, like a prawn who yawns at dawn.

Michael Scott:
I am not to be truffled with.

Jim Halpert:
I'm just hiding out until all this stuff blows over, with Creed, playing chess, at work. He's winning. I feel like I'm describing a dream I had.

Kelly Kapoor:
Damn it, Meredith, where are your panties?

Meredith:
It's casual day.

Michael Scott:
No matter how I look at this, I am in the wrong. And I have looked at this thing like 100 different ways, from my point of view, from their point of view, 98 others, and bottom line: I am in the wrong. I'm the bad guy.

Creed Bratton:
So, hey, I want to set you up with my daughter.

Jim Halpert:
Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.

Creed Bratton:
I thought you were gay.

Jim Halpert:
[clicks tongue] Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?

Creed Bratton:
I don't know.

Kelly Kapoor:
Dammit Meredith, where are your panties?

Darryl Philbin:
It's casual day!

Andy Bernard:
I left my cell phone in my car.

Phyllis Lapin:
Call us when you get there, so we know you're okay.

Michael Scott:
[to Oscar] Hello, Oscar Meyer weiner lover.

Andy Bernard:
Okay, so... Help us out.

Michael Scott:
Wish I could, but I can't. Well, can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shorn't.

Kevin Malone:
Michael, please...

Michael Scott:
What part of "shorn't" don't you understand, Kevin?

[in the sitting area, writing down the numbers of women to set Michael up with]

Stanley Hudson:
There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.

Phyllis Lapin:
Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend anyway. He can just deal with it.

Pam Beesly:
Who are you putting down?

Jim Halpert:
Oh, you don't know her.

Pam Beesly:
Who is it?

Jim Halpert:
Your mom.

Pam Beesly:
Yeah, whatever.

[Jim smiles and shows her the card]

Pam Beesly:
Give that to me! Give that to me.

Andy Bernard:
We won't let you down.

Michael Scott:
You can't, because I don't care.

Jim Halpert:
[gets down on one knee] Hey, Pam? Will you wait for me one second while I tie my shoe?

Michael Scott:
Well, I enjoyed this conversation. It was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet, old lady on the bus.

Margaret:
[long silence] That's incredibly rude.

Michael Scott:
Now you ruined it.

Michael Scott:
I think that fate put this catalogue in my hands.

Pam Beesly:
Actually, I put the catalogue into your hands, 'cause you have to pick out a new chair.

[Jim and Pam were joking around about when they would get engaged]

Jim Halpert:
[during interview] I am not kidding.

[pulls out an engagement ring]

Jim Halpert:
Got it a week after we started dating.

[Michael prepares to call "Wendy," a girl on one of the cards]

Michael Scott:
Okay, Wendy. Hot and juicy redhead. Let's give this a try.

[dials on speakerphone]

Wendy's employee:
Wendy's.

Michael Scott:
Hello, Wendy. This is Kevin's friend, Michael.

Wendy's employee:
This isn't Wendy.

Michael Scott:
Oh, I'm sorry. Could you put her on, please?

Wendy's employee:
Dude, this is a Wendy's restaurant.

Michael Scott:
[mutters] Damn it, Kevin.

Pam Beesly:
Okay, Michael, you know what? I might have someone for you.

Michael Scott:
Oh, really? What's her name, Burger King?

Margaret:
Michael?

Michael Scott:
[after taking a look at her] Ugh.

Margaret:
Are you Michael Scott?

Michael Scott:
Is who Michael what?

Michael Scott:
So you... get... the rent checks every month, and... what happens next, what...

Margaret:
Y-you're asking me what I... do with the checks people write to me?

Michael Scott:
Just making conversation.

Michael Scott:
[discussing Phyllis' friend Sandy] Could we share a rowboat? Could... could a rowboat support her?

Phyllis Lapin:
...What are you asking?

Michael Scott:
I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking. Would an average-sized rowboat support her without capsizing?

Michael Scott:
[long pause] It bothers me that you're not answering the question.

Phyllis Lapin:
No, all right? No, she can't fit in a rowboat.

Michael Scott:
Dammit, I knew it. I knew it, Phyllis! Okay...

[first lines]

Pam Beesly:
W. B. Jones is renovating their offices, and their construction crews are taking up some of the parking spaces we used to get.

Jim Halpert:
So we had to park at a satellite parking lot [tilts head] over there.

Pam Beesly:
Which just means we get to see more of our lovely street. Tell them what we saw today, Jim.

Jim Halpert:
Oh, today we saw a junkyard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.

Jim Halpert:
Nature!

Oscar Martinez:
I've been here nine years, now all of a sudden I'm supposed to park half a mile away.

Andy Bernard:
I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar!

Kevin Malone:
[on the ground, rubbing his feet and crying angrily] I will quit. As God as my witness *I will quit* [sniff] if this is not fixed!

Pam Beesly:
Some of us like the walk more than others.

Kevin Malone:
[off-screen] Hurts like hell...

Kelly Erin Hannon:
What if we all get together and help each other and hire a new guy and then we all kill him, but first we take out, like, a $100,000 life insurance policy? I bet you guys like that idea, don't you?

Kelly Erin Hannon:
[in talking head interview] I think that's what they're doing to me. I can't prove it, but I wanted to see their faces when I said it. I learned nothing.

Michael Scott:
...I don't know what the f*** that was.

Kelly Erin Hannon:
[after pulling her car up] Get in, quick!

Michael Scott:
Why quick?

Kelly Erin Hannon:
So it's faster!

Michael Scott:
Christmas is awesome. First of all, you got to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time.

Michael Scott:
[checking out at a liquor store] All right, now, you're the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered?

Clerk:
[Seriously considers] Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it.

Dwight Schrute:
"A real man makes his own luck." Billy Zane, "Titanic."

Michael Scott:
So Phyllis is basically saying, "Hey, Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year, but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth." I gave Ryan an iPod.

Todd Packer:
[imitating rapper] What's up, my nerds?

Pam Beesley:
You do realize that we can't serve liquor at the party.

Michael Scott:
Yeah. I know. Damn it. Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody.

Angela:
[Kelly is just leaving the office Christmas party] You behaved very badly tonight.

Michael Scott:
I hope nobody takes this baby, 'cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It's beautiful.

Meredith:
I'll take the oven mitt.

Michael Scott:
Sucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom! Reverse psychology.

Michael Scott:
Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.

Kevin:
I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't.

[smiles]

Dwight Schrute:
Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets... Christmas.

Kevin:
I want the footbath.

Kevin:
[to the camera] That's the thing I bought myself. I'm really psyched to use it. Maybe I should've taken the iPod. Oh, shoot.

Phyllis:
Hi, guys. Does everyone know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?

Kevin:
Kevin Malone.

Bob Vance:
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Stanley:
Stanley Hudson.

Bob Vance:
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Ryan Howard:
Ryan Howard.

Bob Vance:
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Ryan Howard:
What line of work you in, Bob?

Michael Scott:
[after cutting off the top of the Christmas tree] Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin, and we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about.

Michael Scott:
Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.

Kelly Kapoor:
[unrolls jazz babies poster she chose during Yankee swap]... Yikes.

Toby Flenderson:
Well, it's for Angela, so...

Kelly Kapoor:
[shows everyone the poster] That's like the creepiest thing that I've ever seen.

Michael Scott:
I am dead inside.

Kelly Kapoor:
Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.

Dwight Schrute:
In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all; it's fear.

[regarding her relationship with Michael]

Jan Levinson:
Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh, my God, what am I saying?

Roy:
I am going to kill Jim Halpert.

Michael Scott:
[to Jan] If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no space to cuddle.

David Wallace:
This was a gift from Lee Iacocca. Twenty-year-old single-malt scotch.

Michael Scott:
Here is to Mr. Iacocca and his failed experiment, the DeLorean.

Michael Scott:
I didn't find the perfect moment, because I think today was about just having today. And I think we are one of those couples with a long story when people ask how we found each other. I will see her every now and then, and maybe one year, she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody and it's gonna take a long time. And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.

Jim Halpert:
Hey, Dwight. Uh... Send in the subs.

[about her volleyball skills]

Pam Beesly:
Maybe I played a little in junior high and in high school. Maybe a little in college. And went to volleyball camp most summers!

Pam Beesly:
Tell them what happened last year.

Jim Halpert:
I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt.

Pam Beesly:
No, no, that guy who hit on me.

Jim Halpert:
Oh, right. Some drunk guy hit on Pam last year. Said he was grabbing her for balance.

Pam Beesly:
[Pointing to her breasts] Yeah, you don't grab *these* for balance.

Jim Halpert:
[considering] Well...

Dwight Schrute:
Normally, I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

Dwight Schrute:
Rolf is my best friend. We met a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks.

Michael Scott:
Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I'm going to tell her. Number one, "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." And the reason is because in terms of the soup, we like to... That doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates.

[trying to stall the game until Pam returns]

Dwight Schrute:
How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four?

David Wallace:
Dwight...

Dwight Schrute:
No, no. Hear me out. Five? Six?

David Wallace:
Dwight.

Dwight Schrute:
Seven? Can I finish, please?

David Wallace:
Okay.

Dwight Schrute:
Eight?

Michael Scott:
Okay. So this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings, using "I" emotion language, and no judging or "you" statements.

Angela:
I got this poster for Christmas and I feel I want to see it every day. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor.

Michael Scott:
Come on. Seriously, that?

Oscar:
I don't like looking at it. it's creepy and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who forced the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art, it destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hard-core porn.

Michael Scott:
Well, that's not gonna fly here, because in this office, it is till death do us part. Assuming that we don't get downsized.

Michael Scott:
Okay. Ryan, you told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?

Creed:
[to film crew] I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.

Jim Halpert:
Hey, you know what, Dwight? Maybe we should get our photo ID taken together.

Dwight Schrute:
That doesn't make any sense.

Jim Halpert:
Well, it saves time, you know. 'Cause we could just meet in the parking lot every morning, walk in together. Perfect.

The Photographer:
Smile.

Dwight Schrute:
No.

[He stares right at camera as photographer takes the picture. To film crew]

Dwight Schrute:
I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

Jim Halpert:
This came out really well. There you go.

Dwight Schrute:
This is humongous. I am not a security threat. And my middle name is Kurt, not fart.

Jim Halpert:
What did I write?

[Dwight walks away while Jim smiles at camera]

Dwight Schrute:
I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

Michael Scott:
Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage.

Michael Scott:
[Reading past complaints that Dwight had made about Jim] "Every time I typed my name, it said diapers."

Dwight Schrute:
ID badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Jim Halpert:
That's a really good idea Kelly.

Kelly Kapoor:
What did I say?

Kelly Kapoor:
[in the "confessional"] I talk a lot, so I learn to tune myself out.

Kelly Erin Hannon:
[in the "confessional"] Disposable cameras are fun, but it seems a little wasteful. You never get to see your pictures.

Phyllis Vance:
I'm glad Michael's getting help. He has a lot of issues and he's stupid.

Michael Scott:
Toby, can I really tell you anything?

Toby Flenderson:
Of course.

Michael Scott:
Well, the other night, I was sitting at the table eating my penis - I mean peas. That was weird. Ah, that's weird. I think it all stems from the fact that I was... I was probed. By an alien life force. An A.L.F. ALF. You know I might've actually been probed by ALF. You might think he's a puppet. You never see the lower half, but there's a lower half.

Michael Scott:
And welcome to Crime Aid. "Crime reduces innocence, makes everyone angry, I declare."

Michael Scott:
It squeaks when you bang it. That's what she said.

Michael Scott:
[sees office in disarray] Oh my god, what happened?

Jim Halpert:
We were robbed last night.

Dwight Schrute:
Bravo, Watson. Looks like a classic seven-man job. Okay, security tapes were stolen. Motives: financial, or possibly vintage HP computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out... and that's all we have.

Oscar Martinez:
So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want.

Angela Martin:
Who would *ever* come to this?

Michael Scott:
I don't know, it could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be... uh, old person. I could be a looky-loo. Or, it could be... a Bruce Springsteen fan. What? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? Oh, I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes, without saying... Bear with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady, it seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy. There's really something going on...

Jim Halpert:
[interrupts] Do you need us for any of this?

Michael Scott:
...Do I?

Michael Scott:
Kelly...

Kelly Kapoor:
I was raped.

Michael Scott:
You cannot say "I was raped" and expect all of your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that.

[going into Michael's office to receive his customer reports]

Jim Halpert:
That is me. Wish me luck.

Dwight Schrute:
No way.

Pam Beesley:
[on Jim's Bluetooth] Good luck.

Jim Halpert:
Thanks.

Dwight Schrute:
I didn't say anything.

Pam Beesley:
I love you.

Jim Halpert:
I love you, too.

Dwight Schrute:
What do you think I'm saying to you?

Dwight Schrute:
You juked the stats, cupcake.

Andy Bernard:
Big idea, double wedding! Me, Angela, you, Holly.

Michael Scott:
No. We would never do that. And if we did, it would be with Jim and Pam.

Jim Halpert:
Yeah, we'd never do that.

Michael Scott:
Yeah, so there you go.

Michael Scott:
[reading the customer survey] "Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant."

Jim Halpert:
I think he means smug.

Michael Scott:
Arrogance.

Jim Halpert:
Michael, I'm just trying to...

Michael Scott:
[interrupting] And there's our smudgeness.

Kelly Kapoor:
Dwight, get out of my nook.

Pam Beesley:
[Jumping up and down in her chair] That's what she said. That's what she said! That's what she said!

Michael Scott:
I don't understand why you keep picking on me.

Stanley Hudson:
Oh, for the love of God.

Michael Scott:
You just do, and I don't know why, so please help me understand.

Stanley Hudson:
Fine. Here it is. You are a person I do not respect. The things you say, your actions, your methods and style, everything you do, I would do it the opposite way.

Michael Scott:
Well, Stanley, maybe you are feeling that you don't respect me because you don't know me very well.

Stanley Hudson:
Michael, I've known you a very long time, and the more I've gotten to know you, the less I have come to respect you. Any other theories?

Michael Scott:
All right, you don't respect me. I accept that. But listen to me. You can't talk to me that way in this office, you just can't. I am your boss. Can't allow it.

Stanley Hudson:
Fair enough.

Stanley:
Did I stutter?

Michael Scott:
All right, everybody out except Phyllis.

Dwight Schrute:
[pushing Michael's face into wet cement] Force it in as deep as you can.

Michael Scott:
[muffled] That's what she said.

Michael Scott:
Stanley Hudson, you are fired.

Stanley:
Are you serious?

Michael Scott:
I am serious. We are all serious. You are fired like a heart attack.

Stanley Hudson:
It's like I used to tell my wife. "I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong, and if you don't like it, you can leave." And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I'll say it to my next one, too.

Jim Halpert:
[to the camera crew] Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own seperate game. And it's called, "Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests." And they're both winning. So I am going to make a run for it.

Jan Levinson:
[after Michael says he wants a child] If you want to have kids, then fine, you win. Let's have a

[bleep]

Jan Levinson:
kid!

Jan Levinson:
You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath.

[laughs]

Jan Levinson:
But I don't have to tell you, Pam.

Pam Beesly:
[laughs] Oh, yeah... Wait, what?

Pam Beesly:
[whispering] I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for... at a dinner party.

[outside Michael's house, two police officers approach]

Dwight Schrute:
I'll take care of this. Okay, what seems to be the problem, Officers?

Cop #1:
Not now, Dwight.

Michael Scott:
[takes a sip of wine] Mmm. A sort of an oaky afterbirth.

Michael Scott:
[arguing] Man, I would love to burn your candles!

Jan Levinson:
You burn it, you buy it!

Michael Scott:
Oh, good, I'll be your first customer!

Jan Levinson:
You're hardly my first.

Michael Scott:
That's what she said!

[Jan picks up one of Michael's Dundie awards and throws it at his $200 plasma screen TV]

Jan Levinson:
Well, how about we do the short tour, and then I'll start dinner.

Pam Beesly:
Oh, I can help starting dinner, if you need it.

Jan Levinson:
Oh, no, no, no, it's just the Osso Buco, needs to braise for about three hours. Everything else is done.

Pam Beesly:
Three hours from now, or three hours from earlier, like 4:00?

Jan Levinson:
You know, Pam, in Spain, they often don't even start eating until midnight.

Michael Scott:
When in Rome.

Michael Scott:
When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then, when you said that you might want to have kids, and I wasn't so sure, who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn't want to have kids? Who had it reversed back? Snip, snap! Snip, snap! Snip, snap! I did! You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person!

Angela Martin:
The thought of popping one of your beets into my mouth makes me want to vomit.

Michael Scott:
That is a $200 plasma screen TV that you just killed! Good luck paying me back with your zero-dollars-a-year salary plus benefits, babe!

[as it comes to Michael's turn during their game]

Michael Scott:
[loud clapping] All right, my [clap clap clap] my [clap] my [clap] my turn! My [clap] my my my [clapclapclap] my turn! [clap] My my my my turn! [clap]

Jan Levinson:
Babe, can you just, like, really...

Michael Scott:
What?

Jan Levinson:
You're just, like, really...

Michael Scott:
[laughing] What? What?

Jan Levinson:
Could you just simmer down? Seriously.

Michael Scott:
I'm just making people laugh.

Jan Levinson:
No.

Michael Scott:
Yes, I was watching Jim's face.

Jan Levinson:
I was watching Jim.

[Jim stares off with a blank expression]

Jan Levinson:
And he was laughing. Look.

Jan Levinson:
[turns to the camera] No smile.

Michael Scott:
Look at him. He's laughing.

Michael Scott:
[on a videotape] Hi, I'm Michael Scott and I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania. But, I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because 'Today is Almost Over.' Abraham Lincoln once said, "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles I carry with me into the workplace.

Mr. Brown:
Now this is a simple acronym: H.E.R.O. At Diversity, we believe it's very easy to be a hero. All you need are: Honesty, Empathy, Respect, and Open-mindedness.

Dwight Schrute:
Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.

Mr. Brown:
Okay well, what is a hero to you?

Dwight Schrute:
A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, and must be avenged.

Mr. Brown:
Uh, okay, you're thinking of a superhero.

Michael Scott:
[during Diversity Day] God, I don't know... Maybe I should have gotten some food or something.

Kevin:
[wearing Italian on his head] Maybe some spaghetti.

Michael Scott:
No, Kevin, stop with Diversity Day for a second!

Michael Scott:
[during Diversity Day] God, I don't know... Maybe I should have gotten some food or something.

Kevin:
[Wearing the Italian sign on his head] Maybe some spaghetti.

Michael Scott:
No Kevin, stop with Diversity Day for a second!

Michael Scott:
Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North," and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.

[during a "Diversity Day" exercise]

Dwight Schrute:
Shalom, I'd like to apply for a loan.

Pam Beesley:
That's nice, Dwight.

Dwight Schrute:
OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.

Pam Beesley:
OK, I like your food.

Dwight Schrute:
Uh, Outback Steakhouse, I'm Australian, mate!

Michael Scott:
Pam, come on, "I like your food," no, come on, stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it, let's get ugly, let's get real.

Pam Beesley:
OK, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.

Dwight Schrute:
[shocked] Aw man, am I a woman?

Pam Beesley:
[during a Diversity Day excerise, Dwight has been appointed Chinese without knowing what race he has been assigned] Based on stereotypes that are completely untrue, you may be a bad driver.

Dwight Schrute:
Oh, man! Am I a woman?

Kevin:
[during Diversity Day] God, I don't know... Maybe I should have gotten some food or something.

Kevin:
[wearing Italian on his head] Maybe some spaghetti.

Michael Scott:
No, Kevin, stop with Diversity Day for a second!

Michael Scott:
Abraham Lincoln once said that "if you are a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.

Pam Beesley:
Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are completely untrue, and that I do not agree with, you would maybe... not be... a very good driver.

Dwight Schrute:
Aw, man, am I a woman?

Toby Flenderson:
[joking] Hey, we're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style, are we?

Michael Scott:
[serious] Get out.

Toby Flenderson:
Oh. Sorry.

Michael Scott:
No. This is not a joke. What you said was offensive... and lame, so double offense. This is a place of welcoming, and... you should just get the hell out of here.

[during a "Diversity Day" exercise; Angela is wearing a sign on her forehead that says "Jamaican."]

Kevin:
Hey.

Angela:
Hey.

Kevin:
You wanna go to the beach?

Angela:
Sure.

Kevin:
You wanna get high?

Angela:
No.

Kevin:
I think you do, mon.

Michael Scott:
You'll notice I didn't have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just thought, "Too soon for Arabs." Maybe next year. Um... You know, the ball's in their court.

Michael Scott:
This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here.

Oscar:
Both my parents were born in Mexico. And they moved to the United States a year before I was born. So I grew up in the United States. My parents were Mexican.

Michael Scott:
Wow. Wow. That is... That is a great story. That's the American dream right there, right? Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides "Mexican" that you prefer? Something less offensive?

Michael Scott:
I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations.

Dwight Schrute:
[Diversity Day exercise; Dwight has a card on his head that says "Asian"] "Lots of cultures eat rice" doesn't help me.

Stanley:
It's collard greens.

Michael Scott:
What?

Stanley:
It's collard greens.

Michael Scott:
That doesn't really make any sense. You don't call them collard people. That's offensive.

[Andy and Jim are very drunk, and Karen is not. Jim is slumped over at his desk and Andy is lying on the floor. He starts singing "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls]

Andy:
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains, I looked to the children...

Karen Filippelli:
Andy, *no* a capella.

Andy:
[pauses and then starts again] I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain... [Jim joins in]

Jim Halpert, Andy:
There's more than one answer to these questions / Pointing me in a crooked line [Andy sits up and looks at Jim] / Unless I seek my source / the closer I am to fine...

Karen Filippelli:
Oh, come on, guys, please...

Jim Halpert, Andy:
[singing] The closer I am to fi-iiiine!

Andy:
[yells, delighted] TUNA! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Michael Scott:
[in backseat of Pam's car] These are not my shoes.

Andy Bernard:
You give me a gift, bam, thank-you note. You invite me somewhere, pow, RSVP. You do me a favor, wham, favor returned. Do not test my politeness.

Michael Scott:
As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming towards my face, I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids. And I have a hover car and a hover house. And my wife is a runner, and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends, and our kids play together. And I'm happy. And I am rich and I never die. It doesn't sound like much, but it's enough for me.

Dwight Schrute:
[to camera crew] Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends, so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Jeez, when did everyone get so cynical?

[telling the office how Michael gave her her birthday necklace]

Helene:
He put it around my neck while I was still asleep this morning. Nice way to wake up.

Michael Scott:
Yeah. The rest of the story has been censored due to inappropriocity.

Kevin Malone:
Because of sex?

Pam Beesly:
Kevin!

Michael Scott:
Hey, please, Kevin. You're fired.

Creed Bratton:
Something's up. That paper was never supposed to arrive.

Dwight Schrute:
What's going on in here?

Oscar Martinez:
Andy bought lunch.

Dwight Schrute:
Oh, no, really?

Andy Bernard:
Yep, yep. Took a page right out of the old Schrute book of niceness.

Dwight Schrute:
There is no book; there's only a survival guide.

Kevin Malone:
Dunder Mifflin. This is Kevin. Please hold while I transfer you.

[yells]

Kevin Malone:
Oscar! Your mom!

Jim Halpert:
Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically? I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that.

Jim Halpert:
Yep, I used to play soccer in school. From second to fourth grade. I was on the orange team.

Pam Beesly:
[frustrated shouting] I can't do this. I had a real job. I sat 10 feet away from my fianc?. I had health benefits. I was just feeling impulsive. I should've gotten a tiny tattoo on my ankle.

Michael Scott:
Blech.

Michael Scott:
[rhetorically] Don't think a woman can be a man? Well, then that's *your* stereotype, not mine.

Vikram:
Confidence... It's the food of the wise man, but the liquor of the fool.

Jim Halpert:
[referring to Dwight's Volunteer Sheriff's uniform] You look cute today, Dwight.

Dwight Schrute:
Thanks, girl.

Michael Scott:
[explaining to Dwight why he needs his urine] I went to an Alicia Keys concert over the weekend. And I think I might have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.

Dwight Schrute:
[thinking Oscar has once been a potential drug mule] Have you ever pooped a balloon?

Oscar:
Okay, I'm done with this.

[OScar exits]

Dwight Schrute:
[to the camera] He sure left in a hurry.

Jim Halpert:
I'm just saying that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.

Dwight Schrute:
That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.

Jim Halpert:
Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.

Dwight Schrute:
I would remember.

Jim Halpert:
[pretending to be serious] Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?

Dwight Schrute:
That's not how it works.

Jim Halpert:
Now, how do you know how it works?

Dwight Schrute:
Knock it off, okay? I'm interviewing you.

Jim Halpert:
No! You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke?

[showing Creed the picture of a pile of marijuana]

Creed:
That is Northern Lights, Cannabis indica.

Dwight Schrute:
[disappointed] No. It's marijuana.

Kelly Kapoor:
And the guys are saying, "Chug! Chug! Chug!" But I'm so small and all I had eaten that day was one of those Auntie Em pretzels from the food court. So I said, "Is it okay if I sip it?" And they said, "No." But Ryan seemed cool either way...

Dwight Schrute:
Stop! This is not "Kelly Kapoor's Story Hour." Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is on the line! Now, I'm gonna ask you again, what time did you go home last night?

Kelly Kapoor:
6:00.

Dwight Schrute:
I want him to have all the urine he needs.

Jim Halpert:
So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot, which is unfortunate, because, as it turns out, Dwight *finding* drugs is more dangerous than most people *using* drugs.

Dwight Schrute:
I like the people I work with, generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime, and I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.

Dwight Schrute:
I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.

Ryan Howard:
I go to a lot of parties.

Dwight Schrute:
Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me your keys.

Ryan Howard:
I am not giving you my keys.

Dwight Schrute:
Don't make me do this the hard way.

Ryan Howard:
What's the hard way?

Dwight Schrute:
I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car and you will have to obey him.

Ryan Howard:
Yeah, let's do it that way.

Angela Martin:
[deleted scene] I look forward to drug testing. I used to get a runner's high. Which is why now I lift.

Jim Halpert:
Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of The Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it.

[We see a clip of Jim talking to Pam after he had stayed quiet for her the entire day in a game of Jinx]

Jim Halpert:
What is he getting out of that relationship?

Pam Beesley:
Jim cannot speak until he buys me a Coke. Those are the rules of Jinx and they are unflinchingly rigid.

Creed Bratton:
Hey, bro, I've been meaning to ask you, can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's got to ride the bull. Am I right? Later, skater.

Michael Scott:
[having just learned Jim and Pam are an item] My heart soars with the eagle's nest.

Michael Scott:
[welcoming back Ryan] Look how big he is. Look at you. You are so mature and old and little man now. You're like our little man.

Kevin Malone:
Little old man-boy.

Jim Halpert:
Wait a second, last time I checked, Dunder Mifflin already has a website.

[cut to Jim showing a web page on screen that reads Under Construction followed by a Dundler Mifflin logo, a stick figure of a man wearing a Santa hat drilling a hole and the words "Coming Christmas 2002!"]

Jim Halpert:
And quite frankly, I'm not really sure what's wrong with it.

Michael Scott:
Look, why do we, as a society, hate old people so much?

Creed Bratton:
Because they're lame.

Angela Martin:
[during diner] How's your meat?

Dwight Schrute:
Dry. Delicious.

Angela Martin:
I heard a joke today.

Dwight Schrute:
[awkward laughter] Oh, that's funny.

Angela Martin:
Yes, it was.

Michael Scott:
I would like to see a website deliver baskets of food to people.

Michael Scott:
Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.

[Michael interrupts Phyllis, Angela, and Pam as they're preparing Ryan's welcome-back party]

Michael Scott:
[as Phyllis and Angela put up a banner] Can you make that straighter? That's what she said.

Phyllis Lapin:
Did you plan that?

Michael Scott:
[as he looks at his notes] No.

Pam Beesly:
[Pam grabs and reads off the notes] "Can you make that straighter? That job looks hard. You should put your mouth on that." How can you even use that one naturally?

Michael Scott:
Blowing up balloons, I thought.

Pam Beesly:
"You might want to trim it a little."

Angela Martin:
Michael...

Michael Scott:
Yeah, Ryan snapped at me. But there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on, which said, "Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now, and I have to seem like an ogre, but you know me and you trust me and we like each other, and we'll always be friends and I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man, and I love you." His words.

[as Jim, Dwight, and a small group decide what to get Deangelo in the hospital]

Jim Halpert:
All in favor of the baskets full of chocolates, teddy bears, and ballons.

[Everyone but Dwight raises their hands]

Dwight Schrute:
Wait, wait. All in favor of the knapsack filled with canned goods, chainsaw, gasoline and emergency radio in case he wakes up post-apocalypse.

[Dwight raises his hand, as Jim jokingly looks around the group to see if anyone else did. No one else raises their hands]

Jim Halpert:
Nope. Baskets have it.

[in regards to Jo coming in to talk with Dwight as acting manager]

Dwight Schrute:
So I expect you to be on your best behavior, which means none of you will be insubordinate, nor will you foment insurrection.

Jim Halpert:
Question. If we've already fomented insurrection, may we be grandfathered in?

Dwight Schrute:
Define "foment."

Jim Halpert:
You define "foment."

[Gabe pulls Andy into the conference room with the blinds shut to confront him about Erin]

Gabe Lewis:
Are you still in love with Erin?

Andy Bernard:
What?

Gabe Lewis:
Because I am. I need to get her back. I can't be alone anymore.

[Gabe starts sobbing]

Gabe Lewis:
Andy, do you like being alone with me right now?

Andy Bernard:
No, this is horrifying.

[Dwight walks into the kitchen as Jim puts up a paper that says "Join The Fist" with a picture of a clenched fist]

Dwight Schrute:
Hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing? What's this? What's The Fist?

Jim Halpert:
It's just a social club. Like the French Revolution or The Black Panthers or communism. It's just a club. Guys talking.

Dwight Schrute:
You expect me to believe that you're starting a rebellion?

Jim Halpert:
Nope, social club. God, I hate when everybody calls us a rebellion.

[Darryl walks into the kitchen. Jim puts his fist up and Darryl does it back]

Dwight Schrute:
Okay, you know what? I would love to join The Fist.

Jim Halpert:
And we would love to have you, but not today. Unfortunately, it's a bad day, what with Operation Overthrow and everything.

[Gabe walks up to reception to Erin]

Gabe Lewis:
Erin, I am in love with you. I don't believe in much, okay? I don't believe in horoscopes. I don't believe in Christmas. I sure as hell don't believe in God.

Kelly Erin Hannon:
[whispers in shock] What?

Gabe Lewis:
Or maybe there's a God, I don't know. It's just not a guy with a long, white beard.

[Erin responds with a shocked expression]

Gabe Lewis:
Or it could be. It's possible that is exactly what God is. But for all of the disbelief, I believe in us. I believe in love. You have made me believe that for all of the hokum out there...

[the reception phone rings incessantly]

Gabe Lewis:
Do we not have voicemail?

Kelly Erin Hannon:
Dwight doesn't trust robots to give us our messages.

[Dwight is talking to Jim in Dwight's office]

Dwight Schrute:
Jo is coming later today. I cannot have a subordinate trying to make me look stupid. Okay? I need you to promise me you'll be on your best behavior.

Jim Halpert:
I *promised* other people that I would be on my worst behavior. And I gave them my word, so...

Dwight Schrute:
Don't make me fire you.

Jim Halpert:
You can't fire me. You're acting manager, not office manager, so you have no firing powers.

Dwight Schrute:
Don't make me pre-fire you.

Jim Halpert:
[serious tone] You wouldn't dare.

Dwight Schrute:
Watch this. You're pre-fired. And when I'm promoted, you'll be full-fired.

[Jim stands up and talks softly]

Jim Halpert:
If you get promoted. And if you haven't fallen in love with me by then.

Dwight Schrute:
[shocked] What?

[Dwight comes in the conference room in a cowboy costume after shooting off a gun in the office]

Dwight Schrute:
Yee-haw! Woo-hoo!

[Dwight imitates a six-gun firing in the air]

Dwight Schrute:
[in Wild West accent] Howdy, partners. It's me, Gun Safety Dwight. And I'm the rootin'-est...

[Stops, takes off his cowboy hat and speaks normally]

Dwight Schrute:
I can't do this. Um, look, obviously a gun went off under my watch and I'm launching a full investigation.

Stanley Hudson:
We all saw you do it.

Toby Flenderson:
I am supposed to collect eyewitness accounts. Who saw Dwight do this?

[everyone in the conference room raises their hand]

Dwight Schrute:
Okay, really?

Toby Flenderson:
Would you consider this a terrorist incident?

Ryan Howard:
I felt terrorized.

Dwight Schrute:
Come on.

Toby Flenderson:
Oh! There's a whole other terrorism booklet for that.

Dwight Schrute:
I just really, really think that we should handle this internally.

Ryan Howard:
Dwight, why is it on us to protect you?

Dwight Schrute:
Because you guys are my best friends. And I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground.

[everyone has a shocked expression]

Dwight Schrute:
And I mean that figuratively, not literally. Because you guys are so, so important to me. I love you guys, but don't cross me, but you're the best.

[Deleted scene. Jordan walks up to Jim's desk with a clipboard]

Jordan Garfield:
Hey, Jim.

Jim Halpert:
Hey.

Jordan Garfield:
What are you doing?

Jim Halpert:
Just trying to process this invoice by 3:00. What are you doing?

Jordan Garfield:
I am making a list for Dwight on what everyone's secretly up to.

Jim Halpert:
No, you're not. 'Cause I'm doing that.

[Jim takes the clipboard]

Jordan Garfield:
Don't you have a deadline?

Jim Halpert:
Well, it's not all about deadlines, Jordan.

[Jim begins writing down made-up things for Dwight's list]

Jim Halpert:
Does "gorilla" have two "R's"?

Jordan Garfield:
The animal or the soldiers?

Jim Halpert:
Both, actually.

[Deleted scene. Jordan reads back to Dwight the list on what everyone is "secretly up to," which Jim secretly wrote]

Jordan Garfield:
Toby got bitten by a spider, but he seems stronger than ever.

Dwight Schrute:
Keep tabs on that.

Jordan Garfield:
Phyllis was selling a bunch of beet futures.

Dwight Schrute:
Did she say why?

Jordan Garfield:
No. Oscar was on some geological Web site, checking into the seismic pressure under the building, which had increased to 39.5.

Dwight Schrute:
39.5?

[Dwight stands up]

Jordan Garfield:
Is that a problem?

Dwight Schrute:
Oh, gee, I don't know, is a mega-volcano a problem? God, this day!

Dwight Schrute:
Blood alone moves the wheels of history!

Michael Scott:
But seriously, what's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?

Dwight Schrute:
A saleswoman has a vagina.

Michael Scott:
It's a joke, Dwight. It's not a sex ed class.

Dwight Schrute:
When I was in the 6th grade, I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word "failure."

Jim Halpert:
It's true, I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, karaoke machine, and I didn't invite Michael. So, three ingredients for a great party.

Pam Beesly:
It's like squishing a spider under a book. It's gonna be really gross, but I have to see if it's *really* dead.

Jim Halpert:
My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up.

[takes a deep breath, shakes head]

Jim Halpert:
He is very real.

[sighs]

Michael Scott:
[just arrived at party, uninvited, and notices IT guy, who wears a turban] Oh, come on, that guy?

[pauses, looks at camera]

Michael Scott:
He is a good guy, not a terrorist.

Dwight Schrute:
Michael... I can't believe you came.

Michael Scott:
[choking up] That's what she said.

Michael Scott:
[to the camera] I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It's every parent's dream!

Pam Halpert:
[last line of the series] There's a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn't that kind of the point?

Ryan Howard:
I've finally mastered commitment!

Andy Bernard:
The weird thing is now I'm exactly where I want to be. I've got my dream job at Cornell, and I'm still just thinking about my old pals. Only now they're the ones I made here. I wish there was a way to know you're in "the good old days", before you've actually left them. Someone should write a song about that.

Jim Halpert:
It's got shag carpets. I mean, you can't blame my parents. It was the '70s. And why would you want to buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling and a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building?

Dwight Schrute:
Okay, let's get this started.

[stands up and loosens tie]

Michael Scott:
What are you doing?

Dwight Schrute:
I am the bait.

[takes off his glasses]

Michael Scott:
For what?

Dwight Schrute:
Men find me desirable.

Michael Scott:
No, no, no.

Dwight Schrute:
It's a good day, too. I'm wearing my mustard shirt.

Michael Scott:
You're the bait for Toby? No. For one thing, he's not gay. And if somebody were to be bait, it would be Jim or Ryan or me.

Dwight Schrute:
Men find me desirable.

Michael Scott:
Yes. Sure they do, Dwight.

Dwight Schrute:
There's still one thing we can do to get Toby fired.

Michael Scott:
What's that?

[Dwight closes the office door]

Dwight Schrute:
Frame him for using drugs.

Michael Scott:
Frame him?

Dwight Schrute:
Yeah. It's illegal, but, everything they do on "The Shield" is illegal.

Michael Scott:
I've never framed a man before. Have you?

Dwight Schrute:
No, I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.

Michael Scott:
It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes, the ends justify the mean.

Dwight Schrute:
I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors.

[last lines]

Dwight Schrute:
What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Dwight Schrute:
Brownies, is it?

[scoffs]

Dwight Schrute:
Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? No, thank you. I'll stick with my jerky.

Jim Halpert:
So why'd you come in here?

Dwight Schrute:
To socialize. And inform.

Michael Scott:
Is there no way we can get rid of him?

David Wallace:
Not without cause, Michael.

Michael Scott:
I have cause. It is because I hate him.

Michael Scott:
I tried. I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in "Scream 2." She thinks she can go off to college and be happy. And then, the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. Learned a lot of lessons from that movie. This is just one of them.

Kevin:
Oh, well, if they aren't together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together, like PB and J. Pam Beasley and Jim. What a waste. What a waste.

Michael Scott:
I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

Michael Scott:
[eating cereal] Jan made me breakfast this morning. Well, she bought the milk.

Dwight Schrute:
[about Angela's cat, Sprinkles] Well, you left the TV on... and your cat is dead.

Ryan Howard:
[talking about Michael hitting Meredith with his car] Did this happen on company property?

Michael Scott:
Yes. It was on company property with company property, so double jeopardy. We are fine.

Ryan Howard:
I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.

Michael Scott:
Oh, right. I'm sorry. What is "We're fine"?

Michael Scott:
Meredith was hit by a car. It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could

Michael Scott:
[ominous pause]

Michael Scott:
and she is going to be okay.

Stanley Hudson:
What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?

Dwight Schrute:
[trying to comfort Angela] Hey, come on, don't be sad. Just... Okay? Just... She's in a better place.

Angela Martin:
[sobbing] All right.

Dwight Schrute:
Actually, the place that she's in is the freezer because of the odor.

Dwight Schrute:
Her chart doesn't indicate that she had a hysterectomy. But she did, or at least she got time off for one.

Intern:
Ah. So that is where her uterus went.

Michael Scott:
Man, what a day, huh? How could it get any worse? The computer crashes with the porn, and then Meredith with the accident and then... Prinkles! God... That's three things. I'll tell you what's going on. This office is cursed. And we need to do something about it.

Pam Beesly:
[trying to sound inspirational] I know you, Michael. I saw you naked.

Michael Scott:
[still very depressed] You don't... You don't know me. You've just seen my penis.

Jim Halpert:
One day, Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.

Michael Scott:
Finishing that 5K was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccini Alfredo and drank less water than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit. Well, today, I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end, my guts and my heart. And while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. I'm very, very proud of that.

Andy Bernard:
I'm petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts, it's a vicious circle. You have sensitive nipples, they chafe. So they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. So I take precautions.

Michael Scott:
So, Ryan got promoted to corporate where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas, back here in Scranton, I am still top dog in a fairly large pond. So, who is the real boss, the dog or a fish?

Dwight Schrute:
Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.

[as the office visits Meredith in the hospital]

Meredith Palmer:
They have me on a lot of painkillers.

Creed Bratton:
Oh, really? What kind? Codeine? Vicodin? Percocet? Fentanyl? OxyContin? Palladone? What?

Meredith Palmer:
I have no idea.

[Creed scoffs as the rest of the office looks shocked]

Michael Scott:
Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.

Michael Scott:
[in confessional] Well, I am taking responsibility, and it is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car.

Dwight Schrute:
Hey... Why did you do it?

Michael Scott:
It was an *accident*.

Dwight Schrute:
Was she talking back?

Michael Scott:
No.

Dwight Schrute:
Just got sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh... is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?

[Michael turns and glares at Dwight]

Michael Scott:
[discussing rides to visit Meredith] All right, since I am the boss I will drive as well. Who wants shotgun?

Stanley Hudson:
You can't be serious. You ran a woman over this morning.

Michael Scott:
Everyone inside the car was *fine*, Stanley!

Pam Beesly:
[answering the phone] Michael Scott's Dunder-Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Fun Run Race For The Cure, this is Pam.

Michael Scott:
[whispering] Pro-Am.

Pam Beesly:
Pro-Am Race For Th- they hung up.

Kevin Malone:
Sometimes I feel like every one I work with is an idiot. And by sometimes I mean all times. All the times. Every of the times!

Angela Martin:
Will you marry me?

Holly Flax:
No.

Michael Scott:
That would be hot. I'd pay to see that.

Pam Beesley:
I think we're just drunk.

Jim Halpert:
No, I'm not drunk. Are you drunk?

Pam Beesley:
No.

Dwight Schrute:
You could assume everyone is and not say anything offensive.

Michael Scott:
Yeah. I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.

Oscar:
Yes. I am super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company in Scranton. Much like Sir Ian McKellen.

Michael Scott:
We're all homos, Homo sapiens.

Dwight Schrute:
Michael appears to be gay, too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend.

Michael Scott:
We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature, but we can't lose the spirit of childlike wonder. What is love anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should get in their way?

[after extensively discussing Oscar's homosexuality]

Michael Scott:
...At least we put this matter to bed. That's what she said.

[pauses, nods contemplatively]

Michael Scott:
Or he said.

Michael Scott:
[in regards to Oscar being gay] I would have never called him that if I knew. You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.

Michael Scott:
[watching Oscar get into a man's car in the parking lot] Oh, there's Gil, Oscar's roommate. I wonder if he knows.

Michael Scott:
[Michael has called Oscar faggy without knowing Oscar is gay] Listen, man, I am so sorry. I had no idea.

Oscar:
Oh, it's fine. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

Michael Scott:
No. No. No, it's not. I just... I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people faggy since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way. You know? I'm just... I... I can't even imagine the thing... Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime and you could tell me how you do that to another dude.

Oscar:
That sounds like a great, wonderful idea. Let's do that.

Michael Scott:
Can you tell who's gay and who is not?

Dwight Schrute:
Of course.

Michael Scott:
What about Oscar?

Dwight Schrute:
Absolutely not.

Michael Scott:
Well, he is.

Dwight Schrute:
Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so...

Jim Halpert:
I ate a tuna sandwich on my first day, so Andy started calling me Big Tuna. I don't think any of them actually know my real name.

Michael Scott:
[after getting in trouble for harassing Oscar for being gay] Look, I watch "The L Word," okay?

Jan Levinson:
Good. Good.

Michael Scott:
I watch "Queer as..." [bleep] so...

Jan Levinson:
That's not what it's called.

Creed:
I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s, I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain, and it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.

Michael Scott:
I am just a net that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimsy, so...

Jim Halpert:
[interrupting] Okay, well, I lost a ton of money today. And I have a mortgage, so I'm a little pissed, too.

Michael Scott:
Thank you. Jim is with me.

Jim Halpert:
Absolutely not. I'm mad at you.

Michael Scott:
Well, you know what, Jim, it is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.

Creed Bratton:
That's not why.

Michael Scott:
Why do you have a diary?

Dwight Schrute:
[whispering] To keep secrets from my computer.

Creed Bratton:
Good work, kid.

Dwight Schrute:
Thanks old man.

Michael Scott:
I have written these things because it is my responsibility as manager of this branch to profiligate great ideas.

Kevin Malone:
I don't like getting advice from more than one person at a time. I'm a textbook over-thinker.

Andy Bernard:
Every compliment has to be backhanded. "Oh, I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair."

Pam Beesly:
That's psychotic. Do guys actually do that?

Jim Halpert:
Guys with girlfriends don't.

Michael Scott:
Hey, hey, hey. You idiot.

Darryl Philbin:
Start over.

Michael Scott:
Okay, I'm going to ask you something, and I want you to be honest. What is a pallet?

Stanley Hudson:
I've got a golden-ticket idea. Why don't you skip on up to the roof and jump off?

David Wallace:
Pam, do me a favor, don't send me those notes.

Kevin Malone:
Nice... b*obs.

Jim Halpert:
Well, all I'm saying is it's a first date, so just keep a respectful distance.

Kevin Malone:
Right.

Pam Beesly:
I don't think Jim means to say that you shouldn't touch her.

Jim Halpert:
No, that is what I mean.

Pam Beesly:
Shush.

[arguing with Jim and Pam]

Andy Bernard:
Put your heart out there, it's liable to just turn into this blackened, carbon brick, where it has barbecue sauce of shame and rage. And two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that.

Michael Scott:
Okay, we need a golden-ticket idea to get us out of this mess. Yes?

[Pam has her hand raised]

Pam Beesly:
Does that mean an idea that blows up in our faces later?

Jim Halpert:
Good one.

Michael Scott:
We think a lot a lot alike. Sometimes you will think something, and I will say what you're thinking.

Dwight Schrute:
Okay, what am I thinking right now?

Michael Scott:
Nacho chips.

Dwight Schrute:
No. I was thinking about how the skin is the largest organ of the body.

[as David Wallace congratulates Dwight for the golden-ticket idea and Michael tries to get Dwight to admit it's not his]

Jim Halpert:
You're talking to Dwight Schrute, the biggest "Wonka" fan I know. I mean, you've been talking about that movie for years.

Michael Scott:
What?

Jim Halpert:
[to Dwight] You know what, I even made fun of you when you dressed up as Willy Wonka to pitch this idea, and, for that, I apologize.

Dwight Schrute:
Apology rejected.

Dwight Schrute:
Knock-knock.

Michael Scott:
Who's there?

Dwight Schrute:
K.G.B.

Michael Scott:
K.G.B. wh...

Dwight Schrute:
[smacks Michael] WE will ask the questions!

Michael Scott:
What the HELL was that?

Jim Halpert:
So you guys are filming us when we go to the bathroom now?

Michael Scott:
[Holding "World's Best Boss" mug] I bought this for myself. [Takes out Dundee award for Best Boss] And yesterday they gave me this. [Throws mug away and puts award in its place] I still need something to drink from, though.

Dwight Schrute:
I've pretty much given up on Michael doing the right thing, or the decent thing, or even the comprehensible thing.

Michael Scott:
[to Gabe] For goodness sake, this is not going to be your last day at the office.

Michael Scott:
[to the documentary crew] Hey, will you guys let me know if this ever airs?

Michael Scott:
[Michael's last line] Oh, this is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest... that's what she said.

Toby Flenderson:
Well, you know Michael, I have a brother in Boulder, Rory Flenderson. You should look him up.

Michael Scott:
[through his teeth] OK...

Michael Scott:
If the devil were to explode, and evil were gone forever, what sort of party would you have?

Angela:
Michael...

Michael Scott:
Like a beach blowout, or a toga, a toga. Toga!

Michael Scott:
Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for 12 years, and I am now his cruise director, and my name is Captain Bruisin'.

Kevin Malone:
I am totally gonna bang Holly. She is cute and helpful, and she really seems into me.

Michael Scott:
[shouting] Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II.

Jim Halpert:
Dwight left his cell phone on his desk, so, naturally, I paired it to my headset.

Dwight Schrute:
[while phone is ringing] Okay, fine, I'll just let it go to voicemail.

Jim Halpert:
[Presses button on headset] Hello, this is Dwight.

Pam Beesley:
Hey, is this Dwight?

Jim Halpert:
Yes, it is.

Pam Beesley:
Oh, my goodness, you sound sexy.

Jim Halpert:
Oh, thank you. I've been working out.

Dwight Schrute:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Pam! Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now! You are talking to Jim.

Pam Beesley:
Dwight?

Dwight Schrute:
No! Pam, I'm over here!

Pam Beesley:
I'm confused.

Michael Scott:
Hey, what's the group that was from Scranton and made it big? Was that U2?

Jim Halpert:
Yes.

[as Toby introduces his replacement]

Toby Flenderson:
Michael Scott, this is Holly.

Holly Flax:
Hi.

Michael Scott:
Hi. Yeah, right. Okay, well, they hired a female Toby. Good for the world. Thank you, God, for creating two of you. Here's how things work here: My job is to make the office fun. Your job is to make the office lame, and we have an eternal struggle, you and I, and only one of us can be the winner. Spoiler alert, I'm going to win.

Holly Flax:
Man, someone doesn't like HR.

Michael Scott:
Yeah.

Holly Flax:
What did you do to him?

Toby Flenderson:
Nothing.

Michael Scott:
No, he tortured me with his awfulness.

Michael Scott:
I am downloading some N3P...

Jim Halpert:
That's not it.

Michael Scott:
...music...

Jim Halpert:
Yup.

Michael Scott:
...for a CD mixtape...

Jim Halpert:
Close.

Michael Scott:
...for Holly. And I'm looking for perfect songs that work on two levels.

Jim Halpert:
What are the two levels?

Michael Scott:
The two levels being, "Welcome to Scranton" and "I love you."

[as Toby introduces Holly to Creed]

Creed Bratton:
The pleasure's all mine.

Holly Flax:
Thanks. I'm really looking forward to sitting down with you and finding out more about what you do here.

Creed Bratton:
Any time.

Holly Flax:
Yeah. What do you do here?

Creed Bratton:
[long pause] Excuse me.

Creed Bratton:
[to camera crew in the kitchen] What is wrong with this woman? She's asking about stuff that's nobody's business. What do I do? Really, what do I do here? I should have written it down. Qua-something. Qua... Quar... Qua... Qual... Quar... Quabity. Quabity assuance. No, no, no, no, but I'm getting close.

[after Michael tells Jim he loves Holly]

Michael Scott:
Well, it's love at first sight. Actually, it was... No, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.

[after handing Toby a wrapped present]

Toby Flenderson:
Wow, thanks, Michael, I didn't expect you...

Michael Scott:
[cuts him off] Can I just say that of all the idiots in all the idiot villages in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone, my friend.

[during Toby's exit interview]

Michael Scott:
I just have some... questions that I was gonna ask. [long pause] Umm, who do you think you are?

Toby Flenderson:
[long pause] I'm Toby.

Michael Scott:
Yeah. Correct. Umm... What gives... What... What gives you the right?

Holly Flax:
...Umm, I-I brought the binder. Do you wanna... take a little look?

Michael Scott:
Sure. Yeah, you know what, that sounds good. Take a little look-see.

Andy Bernard:
Michael, am I gay?

Andy Bernard:
For the record, I prefer women. But off the record, I'm kinda confused.

Jim Halpert:
[about the guys doing parkour] The goal is getting from Point A to Point B as creatively as possible, so, technically, they are doing parkour as long as Point A is "delusion" and Point B is "the hospital."

Michael Scott:
Hoy do you untell something? You can't. You can't put words back in your mouth. What you can do is spread false gossip so that people think that everything that's been said is untrue, including Stanley's having an affair. It's like the end of Spartacus; I've seen that movie half a dozen times, and I still don't know who the real Spartacus is. And that is what makes that movie a classic "whodunit".

Michael Scott:
Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.

Ryan Howard:
A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa, and my cousin, Mufasa, was... He was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests, and we all took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened.

Michael Scott:
Do you want to talk about it any more?

Ryan Howard:
Oh, it would probably take me, like, an hour and a half to tell that whole story.

Michael Scott:
There are five stages to grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they are all denying the fact that they're sad, and that's hard, and it's making them all angry. And it is my job to get them all the way through to acceptance, and, if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job.

Michael Scott:
I am going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball, I want you to say the name of a person very important to you, somebody really special, who died, and then I want you to say how they died. And you may cry if you like. That is encouraged. Let me just start. Let me show you how this works. I catch the ball. I lost Ed Truck and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. And, at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone. And I am crying, and nobody can hear me because I am terribly, terribly, terribly alone.

Dwight Schrute:
When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

Andy Bernard:
What are we doing? What's the game? I want in.

Jim Halpert:
Oh, there's no game. We're just trying to get these chips for Karen.

Andy Bernard:
Did you check the vending machine?

Karen Filippelli:
Oh, the vending machines. How did we miss that?

Jim Halpert:
I have no idea. We went right for the copier. And then we checked the fax machine.

Karen Filippelli:
Yeah, nothing there.

Andy Bernard:
Did you check your butt?

Michael Scott:
[talking about Ed Truck's death] Can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here, it would reach all the way to reception. Probably get on Pam.

Phyllis:
Okay, that's enough.

Michael Scott:
What?

Stanley:
We do not want to hear about this.

Michael Scott:
Well, you know what? I didn't want to hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can't stop picturing it. He leaves work, he's on his way home... Wham! His cappa is detated from his head.

Stanley:
You have just spit on my face.

Angela:
Those aren't chips and dip.

Pam Beesley:
No, I made brownies.

[sighs]

Pam Beesley:
What?

Angela:
I'm just trying to figure out why you're sabotaging things.

Pam Beesley:
[bewildered] I made brownies.

Angela:
And I made cookies. Same category.

[Michael is asking Dwight who should be fired on Halloween. Michael is wearing a papier-m?ch? replica of his head on his shoulder and Dwight is dressed as a Sith Lord]

Michael Scott:
[to his papier-m?ch? replica head] What? There was someone left off that list? Who?

Dwight Schrute:
Who is he saying?

Michael Scott:
[gasp] You're right. I didn't even think of him.

Dwight Schrute:
No, Michael.

Michael Scott:
Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.

Dwight Schrute:
No. No. Not me.

Michael Scott:
Yeah, I could.

Dwight Schrute:
Not Dwight.

Michael Scott:
I'm not saying that's what he said.

Dwight Schrute:
I know that's what he said.

Michael Scott:
[to his papier-m?ch? replica head] What?

Dwight Schrute:
Tell him not Dwight.

Michael Scott:
[to his papier-m?ch? replica head] That is not a very nice thing to say about him.

Dwight Schrute:
Tell him to stop.

Michael Scott:
[to his papier-m?ch? replica head] Are you kidding?

Dwight Schrute:
[to Michael's papier-m?ch? replica head] Quiet, you!

Michael Scott:
[to his papier-m?ch? replica head] I agree. He'd land on his feet.

Dwight Schrute:
Make him be quiet.

Michael Scott:
[camera cuts to private interview with Michael as he tries to avoid having to fire someone] Yeah, I went hunting, once. I shot a deer in the leg... had to finish it off with a shovel. It took about an hour... [pauses, looks at camera]... why do you ask?

Michael Scott:
It's not a popularity contest. Although it does makes sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale.

Michael Scott:
Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel, took about an hour. Why do you ask?

Dwight Schrute:
Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.

Dwight Schrute:
So you got the fax. So why didn't you add it to the r?sum?? What do you mean? Of course, martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence! Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too, and I will see you there burning. Fine. Oh, wait, so you'll let me know when you've made a decision?

[Michael doesn't want to come out of his office]

Kevin:
He has to come out sometime... to go to the bathroom!

Angela:
Kevin, that's inappropriate!

Jim Halpert:
Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? Because I'm suffering from both of them.

Pam Beesly:
I'm inventing new diseases.

Jim Halpert:
Oh, great.

Pam Beesly:
So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?

Jim Halpert:
I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.

Pam Beesly:
Nice.

Jim Halpert:
Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And, well, if this were my career? I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

Dwight Schrute:
All right, who did this? I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.

Jim Halpert:
What are you talking about?

Dwight Schrute:
Uh, someone, uh, forged medical information, and that is a felony.

Jim Halpert:
Okay, whoa, all right, 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?

Dwight Schrute:
Uh, leprosy? Flesh-eating bacteria? Hot dog fingers. Government created killer nano robot infection. [to Jim] You did this, didn't you?

Jim Halpert:
Absolutely not.

Dwight Schrute:
Yes you did.

Jim Halpert:
No I didn't.

Dwight Schrute:
I know it was you. Okay, fine, you know what? I'm going to have interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for anyone.

[Dwight slams door to his workspace]

Jim Halpert:
[to Pam] Killer nano robots?

Pam Beesly:
It's an epidemic.

Dwight Schrute:
The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. "Count Choculitis?"

Jim Halpert:
Sounds tough.

Dwight Schrute:
Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?

Dwight Schrute:
What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone; I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no Health Care. In the wild, Health Care is: ow, I hurt my leg; I can't run; a lion eats me, and I'm dead. Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Dwight Schrute:
Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

Pam Beesly:
Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?

Dwight Schrute:
So I can lower it.

Dwight Schrute:
Someone forged medical information, and that is a felony.

Jim Halpert:
Okay. Whoa, all right, 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?

Dwight Schrute:
[reading from a sheet] Uh, "Leprosy. Flesh-eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection."

Jim Halpert:
Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And, uh... Well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

Dwight Schrute:
In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Pam Beesley:
There's nothing new.

Michael Scott:
That's not what you said earlier.

Pam Beesley:
Do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the... [motions to the camera]

Michael Scott:
The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. [... ] Today, I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... Yes, in a way. Yeah. Like a specialist.

Jan Levinson-Gould:
Sometimes a manager like yourself has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.

Michael Scott:
When have you ever done that?

Jan Levinson-Gould:
I'm doing it right now. To you.

Jim Halpert:
Last night on "Trading Spouses," there's... Have you seen it?

Pam Beesley:
No. I have a life.

Jim Halpert:
Interesting. What's that like?

Pam Beesley:
You should try it sometime.

Jim Halpert:
Wow. But then who would watch my TV?

Dwight Schrute:
Okay. First, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?

Michael Scott:
Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.

Dwight Schrute:
Please knock. This is an office.

Jim Halpert:
It

[pointing to sign]

Jim Halpert:
says "workspace."

Dwight Schrute:
Same thing.

Jim Halpert:
If it's the same thing, then why'd you write "workspace"?

Dwight Schrute:
Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

Pam Beesley:
Why would you wanna raise your cholesterol?

Dwight Schrute:
So I can lower it.

Jan Levinson-Gould:
[on phone] Dwight, listen to me very carefully: you are not a manager of anything. Understand?

Dwight Schrute:
That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking a healthcare plan.

Jan Levinson-Gould:
Really? Okay. When Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.

Dwight Schrute:
Call you immediately, good. Hey, listen, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?

Jan Levinson-Gould:
No.

Dwight Schrute:
Number one: Inverted penis.

Meredith:
Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.

Dwight Schrute:
I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.

Meredith:
A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.

Michael Scott:
I learned improv from the greats, like Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.

Pam Beesly:
Things are a little slow here. And there's only so much cold-calling you can do in a day. Turns out there's no limit to the number of cheese puffs you can throw at someone's face.

[Michael throws a cheese puff and Pam catches it in her mouth]

Pam Beesly:
We're getting pretty good at it.

Andy Bernard:
[to Jim] I am your traveling pants.

Dwight Schrute:
When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland.

Michael Scott:
All right, girls, break it up; you're being infiltrated. Cock in the henhouse.

Dwight Schrute:
C*cks in the henhouse.

Michael Scott:
Don't say c*cks.

Ryan Howard:
[cleaning out Michael's car] What about this bottle of power drink?

Michael Scott:
Uh, what flavor?

Ryan Howard:
Blue.

Michael Scott:
Blue's not a flavor.

Ryan Howard:
It says, "Flavor: Blue Blast."

Michael Scott:
Oh, Blue Blast. Yes, put that in the trunk.

Kevin:
So... are you jealous 'cause there's another girl around?

Pam Beesly:
No.

Kevin:
[considers Pam's lack of jealousy] She's prettier than you, though.

Pam Beesly:
[long, stunned pause] That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin.

Jim Halpert:
[about purse salesgirl Katy] She's not really my type.

Roy:
What, are you gay?

Jim Halpert:
Mm, I don't think so, nope.

Kevin:
Well, what is your type?

Jim Halpert:
[looks at Pam, takes a few seconds to come up with an answer] Moms, primarily. Yep, soccer moms, single moms, NASCAR moms. Any type of mom, really.

Roy:
That's disgusting.

Kevin:
Stay away from my mom.

Jim Halpert:
Too late, Kev.

Jim Halpert:
Pam and I are good buddies. I'm sort of Pam's go-to guy for her problems. You know, with stuff like work or her fianc? Roy. Or, um...

[thinking of a third problem]

Jim Halpert:
No, those are pretty much her only two problems.

[to Jim about the hot saleswoman, Katy]

Roy:
Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam.

Pam Beesly:
We're not dating, we're engaged.

Ryan Howard:
[cleaning out Michael's car] Wow. How many Filet-O-Fishes did you eat?

Michael Scott:
That's over several months, Ryan.

Ryan Howard:
Still...

Katy:
Good night! It was nice to meet some of you.

Jim Halpert:
Well, I think I'm gonna see Katy.

Pam Beesly:
Really?

Jim Halpert:
Yeah.

Pam Beesly:
What are you guys gonna do?

Jim Halpert:
Oh, man, I don't know. Dinner. Drinks, movie, matching tattoos.

Jim Halpert:
All right, now, I'm going to warn you, don't freak out.

Katy:
Why?

Jim Halpert:
This is a really nice car. In case you haven't notice, this is a Corolla.

Michael Scott:
Whatever you need, I'm right on the other side of this wsll.

Michael Scott:
[knocks on the wall] There used to be a window here.

Michael Scott:
[diappointed] There's not anymore.

Pam Beesly:
It's nice having Katy around. It's another person for Michael to, um...

Pam Beesly:
[smirks coldly]... interact with.

[after tricking Dwight to buy a purse, Jim and Pam watch from reception, and Jim imitates Dwight]

Jim Halpert:
Hi, my name's Dwight Schrute and I would like to buy a purse from you. Good Lord! Look at these purses. This is something special. Oh, my God. Is this Salvatore de Chini-asta?

Dwight Schrute:
The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: Creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

Michael Scott:
I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate... no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it... Nike.

Dwight Schrute:
And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.

Ryan Howard:
I don't think you know what you're saying.

[squeaking chair to annoy Jim into giving up his chair]

[Jim smirking and begins to sing "Lovefool" by the Cardigans]

Karen Filippelli:
Stop. This is not fair. It's gonna be in my head all day. Please. This is not a proportionate response.

Dwight Schrute:
One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!

Dwight Schrute:
Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.

Ryan Howard:
I think about that all the time.

Dwight Schrute:
Brain teaser: I have two coins, totaling 15 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are they?

Ryan Howard:
A dime and a nickel.

Dwight Schrute:
No. I said one of them is not a nickel.

Ryan Howard:
But the other one is. I've heard that before.

Dwight Schrute:
Okay. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, "There's no way I can operate on this boy, because he's my..."

Ryan Howard:
[cuts him off] "Because he's my son." The doctor is the boy's mother.

Dwight Schrute:
A man is found hanging from the ceiling...

Ryan Howard:
[cuts him off] He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself and the ice melted.

Dwight Schrute:
A hunter...

Ryan Howard:
[cuts him off] It's a polar bear, because you're at the North Pole.

Dwight Schrute:
Damn it!

Michael Scott:
Productivity is important, but how can I be productive if I has this one little thing in my brain that I cannot get out. And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So, I'm just gonna have my soft pretzel, I'll get to work and I'm gonna be super-productive. Look out for me!

Michael Scott:
[after Pam has walked away] I would never say this to her face, but she's a wonderful person and a gifted artist.

Oscar Martinez:
What... why wouldn't you say that to her face?

Michael Scott:
Why would you date an amateur when you can date a professional?

Michael Scott:
I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke.

[Kids see Michael pretending to hang from a noose]

Michael Scott:
Kids, just remember. Suicide is never the answer. All right. [in talking head] Why is Christmas the only holiday that can have a message? [to kids] It is the easy way out. You are not alone.

Darryl Philbin:
What the hell is wrong with you?

Michael Scott:
[short silence] Who wants candy?

Jim Halpert:
Michael, could see you in your office, please?

Angela Martin:
No.

Jim Halpert:
I wasn't asking *you*!

Kelly Kapoor:
[after Michael reads out a memo] That's from Ryan? Does it mention if he's seeing anybody?

Michael Scott:
No, it doesn't. I'll find out tonight.

Stanley Hudson:
Yes, please let us know.

Andy Bernard:
They say you should never mix buisness with pleasure. Really? Well, then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.

Michael Scott:
I kidnapped a kid.

Dwight Schrute:
You had to. What other choice did you have?

Michael Scott:
I could have paid for the pizza.

Dwight Schrute:
Well, yeah.

Andy Bernard:
[about Angela] I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right?

Dwight Schrute:
I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with.

Andy Bernard:
Isn't that part of the fun?

Dwight Schrute:
No. I think you should date Kelly.

Andy Bernard:
She works here, too. How is that any different?

Dwight Schrute:
She works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby.

Dwight Schrute:
I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today.

Angela Martin:
Waste of time.

Michael Scott:
What's that, pipsqueak?

Angela Martin:
Waste of time. The website's going to win.

Dwight Schrute:
You believe a computer can beat me?

Angela Martin:
I don't care, but yes.

Dwight Schrute:
Well, I will prove you wrong.

Angela Martin:
I don't care, and you won't.

Dwight Schrute:
You'll see.

Angela Martin:
I won't be watching, and I won't.

Pam Beesly:
Dwight mercy-killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela, who are both already prone to unpleasantness.

Andy Bernard:
And then I will say something positive like "Kudos," or "Job well done."

Jim Halpert:
Or, "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!"

Andy Bernard:
I can't tell if he's mocking me.

Dwight Schrute:
Just ignore him.

Andy Bernard:
I can't do that. It's really hard for me to let things go.

Jim Halpert:
I was mocking.

Andy Bernard:
Thank you.

Dwight Schrute:
I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale.

Andy Bernard:
Yes! Like a chime or a bell.

Jim Halpert:
Or a gong.

Dwight Schrute:
I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me, but I never intended to use to them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir, maybe use them.

Michael Scott:
Well, the website is the brainchild of my brainchild, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild.

Angela Martin:
Hey, do you know any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man.

Pam Beesly:
Um, I'll get back to you.

Angela Martin:
Let me know.

Kevin Malone:
[Angela and Phyllis are hanging up a banner for the Launch Party] Isn't 7:00 p.m. a little late for a lunch party?

Angela Martin:
[to Phyllis] Lunch party? It's supposed to say "Launch Party." What is wrong with you?

Phyllis Lapin:
[cuts to confessional] Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw, so I googled, "How to deal with difficult people." And I got all of this.

[she holds up a few sheets of paper with information]

Phyllis Lapin:
So we're gonna try out some new things today.

Phyllis Lapin:
[it cuts back to the office] So, how do you feel about the fact that the banner says "Lunch"?

Angela Martin:
I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid.

Phyllis Lapin:
[Phyllis looks down at the sheets of paper] I'm so sorry to hear that. That must be awful.

Angela Martin:
It is awful. You've made this day awful.

Kevin Malone:
Maybe you could just change the U into an A.

Angela Martin:
Then it would say "Lanch Party," Kevin. Would it really be better if it said "Lanch Party"?

Dwight Schrute:
I've seen this kid before. He's one of the kids that sneaks onto my farm and steals my hemp.

Delivery Kid:
Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed.

Jim Halpert:
Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?

Pam Beesly:
Yeah. "Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to back to this time before you met your desk-mate, Dwight."

Jim Halpert:
And that's why I knew. You?

Pam Beesly:
You came up to my desk, and you said, "This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed-berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired."

Jim Halpert:
That was the moment that you knew you liked me?

Pam Beesly:
Yup.

Jim Halpert:
Wow. Can we make it a different moment?

Pam Beesly:
Nope.

Michael Scott:
There's only one place to get authentic New York-style sushi.

Dwight Schrute:
Tokyo?

Stanley Hudson:
You find anything?

Kevin Malone:
We think it's a straightforward kidnapping.

Oscar Martinez:
Stanley, could you look up accomplices?

Stanley Hudson:
Why can't you guys do it?

Oscar Martinez:
Because we're looking up jail time.

Jim Halpert:
A toast. I'm gonna make it good. To avoiding a class-two felony charge.

[Dwight suspects the new website has become self-aware through instant messages Pam is sending]

Dwight Schrute:
[typing] How do I know this isn't Jim?

Pam Beesly:
[typing] What is a Jim?

[after getting instant messages from "the website"]

Dwight Schrute:
It appears that website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please, that computer should be scared of me. I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise.

Dwight Schrute:
[Irate that Kelly is buying from the computer that he is competing with] What're you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts!

Kelly Kapoor:
But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says 'Thanks for shopping at Dunder Mifflin!'

Dwight Schrute:
Damn it, Kelly, it knows! It knows what you did!

Darryl Philbin:
Who knows?

Dwight Schrute:
[Snatches ream of paper from Darryl and yells at Kelly] Return it! Return it now!

Darryl Philbin:
[Snatches the ream back] Hey! How 'bout stop yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over 500 sheets of paper and you get back to your desk. Start selling multiple reams, like a man?

Dwight Schrute:
Y-you don't understand. Okay, if this makes the difference [points at the ream of paper] I'm gonna tell It that YOU were responsible.

Darryl Philbin:
[with a threatening voice] Who's "It"?

Michael Scott:
[to Pam] Good morning. You ready? And we're off. Like a herd of turtles.

Pam Beesly:
I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I hate even thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me.

Michael Scott:
[speaking to a pregnant Karen] I'm just trying to figure out the last time you and Jim had sex, and...

Jim Halpert:
Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?

Dwight Schrute:
They match the carpet.

Jim Halpert:
What is that?

[reading a banner]

Jim Halpert:
"It is your birthday," period.

Dwight Schrute:
It is a statement of fact

Jim Halpert:
Not even an exclamation point?

Dwight Schrute:
This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.

Michael Scott:
I have an amazing mnemonic device by which I have now memorized all of your names.

[pointing to people in the room]

Michael Scott:
Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar b*obs, black woman.

Jim Halpert:
I can't believe how bad this looks.

Dwight Schrute:
Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because, if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate twice the speed of a normal man's.

[Michael and Pam arrive at the Utica branch; a pregnant Karen walks out to meet them]

Karen Filippelli:
Hi, guys!

Michael Scott:
Oh my god... is that Jim's?

Karen Filippelli:
[angrily] What?

Pam Beesly:
Michael...

Karen Filippelli:
Of course not!

Michael Scott:
Okay, wow... oh man! My head just exploded. Woo, thank god for everybody, right? Hoo-kay. Wow, you're huge! That's... incredible! I g-god, sorry. Sorry, my head is... I'm just... I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex, and...

Karen Filippelli:
[interrupts] Let's just get this over with, shall we?

Michael Scott:
She has a boyfriend.

Pam Beesly:
I'm so sorry, Michael.

Michael Scott:
Michael: How could she do this to me, Pam?

Pam Beesly:
Pam: She's not doing it to hurt you.

Michael Scott:
I can't do the presentation, I can't-... just... oh... thinking about seeing him... and... thinking about... him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her, it just- oh, God!

Pam Beesly:
Listen, when Jim was dating Karen, I didn't want to come to work. It was awful. I hated it. I wanted to quit, but...

Michael Scott:
I know, just... uh, please, I'm going through something, okay?

Pam Beesly:
You know, when Holly gets back, everyone will tell her what a great job you did. And then she'll realize what she's missing.

Michael Scott:
And then she'll move back to Scranton. And her boyfriend will die.

Pam Beesly:
Yeah, maybe.

Andy Bernard:
[standing in the middle of the office with his guitar, Lorelei] Everybody, Lorelei and I would like to say thank you and goodbye the only way we know how.

Nellie Bertram:
Oh, good Lord.

Stanley Hudson:
[dryly] Can't you just leave?

Jim Halpert:
You playing that game again?

Dwight Schrute:
Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It does have points or scores. It doesn't have winners or losers.

Jim Halpert:
Oh, it has losers.

Pam Beesley:
I worked until about 2:45 a.m., and then I had to decide if I wanted to spend the night with Michael editing in his office and Dwight watching Michael edit in his office, or drive home and probably fall asleep at the wheel and die in a fiery car wreck. I passed out on my keyboard trying to decide.

Michael Scott:
So welcome one and all to the world premiere of corporate crap fest.

Meredith:
I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around.

Andy Bernard:
[singing] Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast. [talking] It's the cat food. Nailed it.

Oscar:
When I was younger, I always wanted to be an actor in commercials, then I realized I had a brain.

Michael Scott:
[at a meeting] Has anyone ever come up to you and said, "You're not creative"?

Dwight Schrute:
Yes.

Michael Scott:
Well, they're wrong. You are creative. You are damn creative, each and every one of you. You are so much more creative than all of the other dry, boring morons that you work with.

[they all look around, confused]

Jim Halpert:
Who are you talking to, specifically?

Jim Halpert:
I think it's great that the company's making a commercial, because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers or muffins or mittens or... And frankly, all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.

Michael Scott:
Pam, please clear my phone lines.

Pam Beesley:
Certainly.

[Pam imitating phone beeping]

Pam Beesley:
Okay, clear.

[deleted scene]

[as Dwight plays Second Life, his character opens up his closet to find his rocket launcher in Jell-O]

Dwight Schrute:
Who put my rocket launcher in Jell-O?

[Jim's Second Life character flies just outside the window]

Michael Scott:
Now this gentleman right here

[indicates Stanley]

Michael Scott:
is the key to our... urban vibe.

Stanley Hudson:
Urban? I grew up in a small town. What about me seems "urban" to you?

Michael Scott:
All right, let me ask you this. Tell me if this is creative: when I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this is before I had even... heard of one or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse that could fly over rainbows and had a huge spike in its head. I was five. Five years old! Couldn't even talk yet!

Darryl Philbin:
[singing] Out of paper, out of stock / There's friendly faces around the block / So break loose from the chains that are causing you pain / Call Michael and Stanley, Jim, Dwight, Creed / Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs / Dunder Mifflin : the people person's paper people !

Michael Scott:
Okay, too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.

Michael Scott:
I have been saying the word 'manager' a lot, so whenever Jo thinks 'manager', she thinks of me. Camel cigarettes did the same with Joe Camel by making him look like a penis. I can't even go near a cigarette now without thinking of a penis. And vice versa.

Jo Bennett:
Do you always stay seated when a lady enters the room?

Dwight Schrute:
I am treating you the same as a man, for whom I would also not stand. Unless it was the President, or Judge Judy.

Jo Bennett:
I like that.

Jim Halpert:
The new receptionist is also named Kelly. So Kelly Kapoor has decided to hover around my desk so that she can run into Charles' office every time he calls for Kelly. She thinks that if she says "You wanted me" enough, he will, in fact, want her. It's not the worst plan she's ever had.

Charles Miner:
Okay, I'm gonna call you Kapoor, okay, and you Hannon.

Kelly Erin Hannon:
If we're changing names, can I be Erin? It's my middle name.

Charles Miner:
Erin? Okay, that's very pretty.

Kelly Kapoor:
Well, you know what my name is? Rajnigandha. And I hate it. I hate it!

[runs out of Charles' office]

Kevin Malone:
I thought Rajnigandha was a boy's name.

Dwight Schrute:
Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food, I can drive a taxi, I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Dwight Schrute:
[talking quietly to Angela with Ryan nearby, trying badly to hide their affair] What about that meeting later to discuss finances?

Angela:
Yes. But don't expect any cookie.

Dwight Schrute:
[slowly whispering] But what if I'm hungry?

Angela:
No cookie.

[knowing what they were really talking about, stares into the camera at a total loss for words]

Toby Flenderson:
Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, that one from the e-mail?

Michael Scott:
You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?

Michael Scott:
You know what they say the best medicine is?

Kevin:
Well, the doctor said a combination of interferon and Dacarbazine.

Michael Scott:
And laughter, also.

Deangelo Vickers:
[shouting into microphone] I wanna th- I wanna- I feel truly blessed, uh, to be working with all of you. You know, before this all started, uhh funny story I was in the bathroom, vomiting and vomiting in that men's room.

Restaurant Manager:
Okay...

Deangelo Vickers:
[shouting] That's why it's been shut down for most of the evening.

Restaurant Manager:
That's it!

Michael Scott:
This is important, he's expressing himself.

Deangelo Vickers:
[shouting] Deangelo, hosts don't get Dundies.

Restaurant Manager:
No!

Deangelo Vickers:
[shouting] This, this is truly special for me...

Michael Scott:
No, just let him... [manager unplugs amp]

Deangelo Vickers:
[still shouting] And, uhh, anyway. It's so much lighter...!

Michael Scott:
Okay, we're done. That's it.

Dwight Schrute:
Thank you, thanks so much. Um, I wanna dedicate this award to something that uh... we take for granted in our daily lives, and that is the humble trash can. This is for you trash can! [tosses his Dundie in a trash can]

Michael Scott:
Used to have two cars, traded them in. Now we're down to one. Good economic sense, although the new car's a Porsche, for her.

Michael Scott:
Yes. Money has been a little bit tight lately, but at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm gonna be thinking about how many friends I have and my children and my comedy albums.

Dwight Schrute:
My girlfriend and I broke up recently, and I must say I am relieved. It gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his doorstep by his parents. You can use those oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care. They're your oats.

Dwight Schrute:
We have three rooms, each with a different theme.

Pam Beesly:
What are the themes?

Dwight Schrute:
America, Irrigation and Nighttime.

Dwight Schrute:
Now then, do you have any special needs or dietary restrictions?

Jim Halpert:
Yes. We will be requiring a bedtime story.

Dwight Schrute:
No.

Jim Halpert:
Not even "Harry Potter"?

Dwight Schrute:
No, Jim, come on.

Jim Halpert:
I just realized that this is Pam's and my first night away together. I used to play it over in my head, and it was just a little bit different. Maybe a nice hotel, or a romantic dinner, wine, but wine that wasn't made out of beets. Didn't think Dwight would be involved at all. And I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure, just less.

Dwight Schrute:
This is beet food. Mose, what are you doing? No, Mose. Put the manure down. Put it down! Do not throw it! Do not... Ow!

Figgero:
This is a trading game. You give a quick pitch, you make the sale, you move on. That's how Vikram does it.

Michael Scott:
Vikram doesn't have my people skills.

Figgero:
Good for Vikram, because he outsells you every night.

Dwight Schrute:
Come in. Did you have another nightmare?

Jim Halpert:
Hey, Dwight.

Dwight Schrute:
Oh, Jim. I thought you were Mose.

Jim Halpert:
Does Mose have nightmares?

Dwight Schrute:
[ominously] Oh, yes. Ever since the storm.

Dwight Schrute:
Is everything satisfactory with your stay?

Jim Halpert:
Yeah.

Dwight Schrute:
All right.

Jim Halpert:
I just thought I heard crying or moaning or something in here.

Dwight Schrute:
Oh, well, I'll look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.

Jim Halpert:
Good night, Dwight.

Michael Scott:
I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me.

Michael Scott:
I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed. But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep and try it all again the next night.

Andy Bernard:
[about Angela] You need to set me up with her. I know she told you that she's looking, and she's totally not responding to my moves.

Pam Beesly:
What moves?

Andy Bernard:
I have moonwalked past accounting, like, 10 times.

Pam Beesly:
I can't believe that's not working.

Andy Bernard:
Yeah.

Andy Bernard:
Okay, well, I come from a line of WASPs so long it leads back to Moses.

Kevin Malone:
Women be shopping.

Creed Bratton:
Hey, coz. Heard you're having money problems.

Michael Scott:
No, you didn't.

Creed Bratton:
Listen, I got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away.

Creed Bratton:
[in confessional] Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to

[holds up a fake passport]

Creed Bratton:
William Charles Schneider.

Michael Scott:
How would that help, Creed? In Monopoly, you go bankrupt, you lose.

Creed Bratton:
You don't go by Monopoly, man. That game is *nuts*. Nobody just pick up Get Out of Jail Free cards. Those things cost thousands.

Michael Scott:
That is a good point.

Creed Bratton:
Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do-over. It's a fresh start. It's a clean slate.

Michael Scott:
Like the Witness Protection Program.

Creed Bratton:
[simultaneously] Exactly.

Oscar Martinez:
[simultaneously] Not at all.

[last lines]

Michael Scott:
Don't sell your implants, please.

Jan Levinson:
I'm keeping them. I know you like them.

Kelly Kapoor:
Daryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I've ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?

Pam Beesly:
Now that I think about it, Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple. But I couldn't do that to Dwight. Or Angela. [pause] Or Andy.

Michael Scott:
Hey, guys. What you talking about? Okay. I know what's going on. You're talking about Jim and Pam, if they're having sex, what it looks like, and I think...

Pam Beesley:
Michael.

Michael Scott:
Hey, hey, hey.

Oscar:
Hey. I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word "bankruptcy" and expect anything to happen.

Michael Scott:
I didn't say it. I declared it.

Dwight Schrute:
And as of this morning, we are completely wireless here at Shrute Farms, but as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get all that power back on.

Jan Levinson-Gould:
So, I forgot to tell you that I need the car tonight.

Michael Scott:
Oh, actually I need the car.

Jan Levinson-Gould:
Why? For improv? Why don't you just pretend that you have a car?

Stanley:
[on the phone] When I'm at home at night in my own house in my sweats, drinking red wine, watching my mystery stories the last thing in the whole godforsaken world I want to hear is the voice of Michael Scott.

Meredith:
[talking about Michael] I can't believe he has a second job.

Oscar:
He's not even good at his first one.

Oscar:
Michael, are you having money problems?

Michael Scott:
Monkey problems? No, I'm not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems?

Oscar:
I know you heard me correctly.

Michael Scott:
[sighs] Oh, I hate monkeys.

Ryan Howard:
What I really want, honestly Michael, is for you to know it so that you can communicate it to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.

Michael Scott:
[chuckles] Okay.

Ryan Howard:
What?

Michael Scott:
It's 'whoever', not 'whomever'.

Ryan Howard:
No, it's 'whomever'.

Michael Scott:
No, 'whomever' is never actually right.

Jim Halpert:
Well, sometimes it's right.

Creed Bratton:
Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.

Andy Bernard:
No. Actually, 'whomever' is the formal version of the word.

Oscar Martinez:
Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.

Michael Scott:
[to camera] Not a native speaker.

Kevin Malone:
I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.

[In the conference room, the office workers are discussing the correct use of 'whoever' vs. 'whomever']

Kevin Malone:
I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.

Ryan Howard:
Do you really know which one is correct?

Kevin Malone:
I don't know.

Pam Beesly:
It's 'whom' when it's the object of the sentence and 'who' when it's the subject.

Phyllis Lapin:
That sounds right.

Michael Scott:
Well, it sounds right, but is it?

Stanley:
How did Ryan use it, as an object?

Ryan Howard:
As an object.

Kelly Kapoor:
Ryan used *me* as an object.

Stanley:
Is he right about that...?

Pam Beesly:
How did he use it again?

Toby Flenderson:
It was... Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object...

Michael Scott:
Thank you!

Toby Flenderson:
...to whomever, meaning us, the indirect object... which is the correct usage of the word.

Michael Scott:
No one asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.

[deleted scene]

Dwight Schrute:
State your business!

Andy Bernard:
I am dying of love sickness and horny sickness.

Dwight Schrute:
That isn't possible, unless you mean gonorrhea.

Andy Bernard:
I'm talking about Angela, okay? Did you hear what she was saying to Pam the other day?

Dwight Schrute:
Yes, I did, except I don't think she means it. Angela is in a great deal of pain because of the death of her cat and she is in a kind of grieving process and it makes her say things. So, best you just lay off.

Andy Bernard:
No can do. I am itching all over with Angela-pox.

Jim Halpert:
Oh, my God. You do have gonorrhea.

Jim Halpert:
Dwight, how's the hotel business?

Dwight Schrute:
Stupid.

Jim Halpert:
Have you checked Trip Advisor recently?

Dwight Schrute:
No.

Jim Halpert:
Maybe you should.

Dwight Schrute:
Maybe you should... Whatever.

[talking head]

Pam Beesly:
We wrote a good review. Under "Comments," we wrote, "The natural aroma of the beets drifts into the bedrooms and makes you dream of simpler times."

Jim Halpert:
"The dawn goose walk will tug at your heartstrings."

Pam Beesly:
"Table-making never seemed so possible."

Jim Halpert:
"You will never want to leave your room."

Pam Beesly:
"The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beet farm."

Michael Scott:
I owe you an apology.

Pam Beesly:
You finished the movie.

Michael Scott:
Yeah. It was awesome. Big surprise ending. Won't ruin it for you.

Pam Beesly:
No. Go ahead.

Michael Scott:
Meryl Streep is the bad guy. Never saw it coming. Anyway, if I was mean in any way to you, I am sorry. I just want what's best for you, minooshka.

Pam Beesly:
[whispers] Minooshka.

Pam Beesly:
[later] Mo cuishle. He's watching "Million Dollar Baby."

[pause]

Pam Beesly:
He's gonna try to kill me.

Darryl Philbin:
[about Kelly] It's like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around. It's getting to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door.

Kelly Kapoor:
Well, I just need to know where this is going.

Darryl Philbin:
Hey, I like you. All right? What's not to like? But you need to access your un-crazy side; otherwise, maybe this thing has run its course.

Michael Scott:
Hey, congrats on the bonus.

Vikram:
Thank you, Michael.

Michael Scott:
I'm gonna nab it one of these nights.

Vikram:
Well, if you concentrate and make your calls faster, yeah.

[Dwight moans in stairwell]

Jim Halpert:
Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?

[Dwight mumbles]

Jim Halpert:
Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam.

Dwight Schrute:
[mumbling] Beesley?

Jim Halpert:
Yeah. I mean, she was with Roy, and I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it, Dwight. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't concentrate on anything. And weird stuff, like food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. And it is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And that includes you.

[Jim sighs and returns to the office]

Pam Beesley:
Hey, I was thinking about dinner, we...

[Jim kisses Pam passionately, cutting her off]

Jim Halpert:
Dinner. Let's see, maybe we should try the new Italian place where the dry cleaner used to be.

Pam Beesley:
[a bit shocked, smiling] Okay.

Jim Halpert:
Yeah?

Pam Beesley:
Yeah.

Jim Halpert:
Okay.

Pam Beesley:
[in confessional] Jim's just really passionate about Italian food.

[smiles]

Jim Halpert:
[smiling] Yeah. I'm very passionate about Italian food.

[Jim sits back down at his desk; Pam and Jim smiling at each other]

Jim Halpert:
In fact, I'm in love with Italian food.

Dwight Schrute:
[answering phone] Dunder Mifflin. Dwight Schrute. Please hold.

[he transfers the phone, and begins looking around in a file on his desk, then resumes his conversation]

Dwight Schrute:
Schrute Farms, Guten Tag! How can I help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh, no. I'm sorry. No king beds. No queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes.

[Jim, who has been staring confusedly at Dwight this whole time, hangs up his own phone]

Dwight Schrute:
Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Auf Wiedersehen.

[hangs up]

Jim Halpert:
Hey, Dwight.

Dwight Schrute:
None of your business, Jim.

Jim Halpert:
You running a bed and breakfast?

Dwight Schrute:
It is not a B&B.

Dwight Schrute:
[later, to the camera] Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfast. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast.

Jim Halpert:
Does the Department of Health know about this?

Dwight Schrute:
I am not telling you anything.

[to the camera]

Dwight Schrute:
Permits are pending.

[his phone rings]

Dwight Schrute:
Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin.

Pam Beesly:
Hello. I'm looking for a room.

Dwight Schrute:
Okay. This is a misuse of company phones.

Pam Beesly:
It says here you cater to the elderly.

Dwight Schrute:
Where did you read that?

Pam Beesly:
Trip Advisor.

Dwight Schrute:
[to camera] Trip Advisor is the lifeblood of the agrotourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there, you may as well close up shop. That's what took down the Stalk Inn, one of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see.

Kelly Kapoor:
Ryan used me as an object.

Michael Scott:
[to the entire office] I declare... BANKRUPTCY!

Dwight Schrute:
In the Schrute family, we believe in a five-fingered intervention. Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.

Michael Scott:
You lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead?

Dwight Schrute:
I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.

Dwight Schrute:
[to the camera] There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.

Jim Halpert:
Do you take requests?

Andy Bernard:
Sure.

Jim Halpert:
Please stop, because we're having a Christmas party.

Michael Scott:
I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.

Angela Martin:
I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will, though, and Phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer.

Meredith Palmer:
I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do. To porn.

Michael Scott:
All right, no, no, no, no. That is... The image, I think we all can agree, is very disgusting...

Jim Halpert:
They've been in there for 45 minutes.

Pam Beesly:
I know. If she wasn't an alcoholic before, she is now.

Andy Bernard:
When I was in college, I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was "Puke." I would chug a fifth of So-Co, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, boot, rally, more So-Co, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I'd let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me "Ace." It was totally awesome. I got straight B's. They called me "Buzz."

[during the intervention, Michael reads questions to Meredith]

Michael Scott:
"Have you ever, under the influence of alcohol, questioned the teachings of the Mormon Church?"

Oscar Martinez:
Where did you get this?

Michael Scott:
I got it on a website. That's not important.

Mrs. California:
All right, well, it's really nice to meet you, Bryan.

Ryan Howard:
Uh, it's actually Ryan.

Mrs. California:
Oh, Ryan.

Ryan Howard:
[later, while being interviewed] B*tch...

Kevin Malone:
[Andy is demonstrating his talent for Southern accents] Oh, now do the Swedish Chef.

Andy Bernard:
I'm not familiar. What province is he from?

Kevin Malone:
He lives on "Sesame Street," dumbass.

Jim Halpert:
Once a year, Dwight holds a seminar updating us on the newest developments in the world of karate. Because, as we all know, the one thing that thousand-year-old martial arts do all the time is change.

Jim Halpert:
Okay, with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you is you.

Dwight Schrute:
That is correct, unless there happen to be measles present.

Dwight Schrute:
You know what? You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize.

Dwight Schrute:
Voodoo Mama Juju, explain your dalliance with the dark arts.

Angela Martin:
It's not my fault. I was exposed to "Harry Potter."

Dwight Schrute:
I know you did it!

Dwight Schrute:
[to the camera crew] I know she didn't do it. It's never the person you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis, a.k.a. Beatrix Bourbon, the person I most medium suspect.

Pam Beesly:
I think Michael may have snapped.

Jim Halpert:
Or maybe he's just stuck in character.

Pam Beesly:
Well, which is worse? Snapped or stuck?

Jim Halpert:
Both. They're both worse.

Phyllis Vance:
[in her game character] "I overheard you asking the butler where the pistol was kept."

[Michael gasps]

Dwight Schrute:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm the butler. What, you were listening in on that? Oh, you rich people, you think you can do whatever you want to the servant class!

Michael Scott:
No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing.

Dwight Schrute:
I will poison your food.

Michael Scott:
[slapping his nephew on the butt] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!

Luke Cooper:
My name is Luke Cooper. I love cinema. My favorite movies are "Citizen Kane" and "The Boondock Saints."

Jim Halpert:
Wow, that's a lot of keys.

Dwight Schrute:
The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man.

Jim Halpert:
That's right. The janitor said that.

Kevin Malone:
[on Michael slapping Luke] That was awesome!

Andy Bernard:
That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.

Michael Scott:
He's not the worst. Okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though.

[starts drinking coffee]

Michael Scott:
Mmm! It's not cappuccino.

Oscar Martinez:
He messed yours up, too.

Darryl Philbin:
He's got to go, Mike.

Michael Scott:
It's just coffee, guys. But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?

Michael Scott:
Luke and I have been working side by side as master and commander. Me as master, he as commander. Occasionally, he'll need a little push. And I will do that, and he'll slow down, and then I'll push him again. That's the thing with kids. You have to keep pushing. You have to push them until they push you back, and then you push some more. It's all about give and take, but mostly it's about pushing each other.

Michael Scott:
[about Luke's laser] Okay, can I have that?

Luke Cooper:
No.

Michael Scott:
Ok, I am going to count down from five.

Michael Scott:
Five, four. [Luke counts with him]

Michael Scott:
I'm not kidding.

Luke Cooper:
Three, two, one. [Luke still mocking Michael with the counting]

Michael Scott:
Give-okay. Alright, give it up.

Luke Cooper:
No!

Michael Scott:
[bending Luke over desk, spanking him repeatedly] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!

Luke Cooper:
What the...

Michael Scott:
That's what you're going to do, Luke!

Luke Cooper:
What the hell was that?

Michael Scott:
I had to do that.

Luke Cooper:
Hey, [bleep] this! Screw it!

Michael Scott:
All right. Are we good? [Luke runs out crying] You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.

Kevin Malone:
That was awesome!

Stanley Hudson:
Texas justice.

Kelly Kapoor:
Yeah, your nephew is so lame.

Creed Bratton:
He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah, it's funny stuff, but mean.

Jim Halpert:
You follow him on Twitter?

Darryl Philbin:
[on Michael's incorrect warning sign] Don't don't bother Luke! Got it.

Gabe Lewis:
Michael, you've just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?

Michael Scott:
Yes. Of course. What's this in reference to?

Creed Bratton:
[explaining why he's following Luke on Twitter] Everywhere I look is Betty White this, Betty White that. Finally a kid who's not talking about Betty White. Of course I've followed him.

Jo Bennett:
Lower yourself, Gabe, I don't wanna be having a conversation with your crotch.

Dwight Schrute:
Who's gonna tell on us? Gabe?

Gabe Lewis:
That'd be hilarious. "Joe, they're creating a hostile working environment! Stop them!" [laughs]

Dwight Schrute:
Oh! Here's one. A string quartet playing classical music.

Michael Scott:
You know, that's good, but that's not classy. I need something classy, like the opening of a car dealership.

Jim Halpert:
That's it. Or Mr. Peanut.

Michael Scott:
Yes.

Dwight Schrute:
Mr. Peanut is not classy.

Michael Scott:
He is.

Dwight Schrute:
He is a regular peanut. He just happens to have a cane, a monocle and a top hat.

Michael Scott:
That's what makes him classy.

Michael Scott:
Surprise!

[unveiling a table full of bagels]

Michael Scott:
As you can see, I turned the bagels from O's into C's for Charles.

Charles Miner:
Thank you.

Michael Scott:
Took me all night.

Pam Beesly:
This is what you did last night?

Michael Scott:
All right, let me introduce you to some of the troops. Accounting, front and center. Come on up here. I'd like you to meet somebody. This is the accounting department.

Charles Miner:
Hey. I come from accounting, too.

Michael Scott:
Nerd alert! This is Oscar Martinez. He is Latino, and he just got out of a long-term relationship with a man, Gil, who broke his heart, but he didn't bring any of that into work, it did not affect his job performance whatsoever, and I'm very proud of him for that.

Charles Miner:
[shaking hands with Oscar] Hey, Oscar, it's good to meet you. Good.

Michael Scott:
This little hell-raiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. The one over there, in the orange.

[pointing to Andy]

Andy Bernard:
Heyo!

Michael Scott:
[looking around] Heyo. Where's the other...

Charles Miner:
You know, Michael, I don't need to know everyone's sexual history.

Michael Scott:
Well, perfect, because we have now arrived at Kevin, and he has no sexual history.

Michael Scott:
[on telephone] David, it was my understanding that I was not going to be managed.

David Wallace:
What gave you that idea?

Michael Scott:
[pausing] It was my understand.

David Wallace:
I see.

Michael Scott:
Listen, why don't we just leave the position vacant? Truth be told, I think I thrive under a lack of accountability.

Michael Scott:
I just got off the horn with David Wallace, and he said that you and I should try to get to know each other better, and I agree. So, what I would like you to do is tell me something that you've never told anybody before.

Michael Scott:
[on phone] Michael Scott calling for David. Well, just tell him to call me ASAP as possible.

Pam Beesly:
I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do. The more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the "Ace Ventura" talking-butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad.

Michael Scott:
You have no idea how high I can fly.

Charles Miner:
What is a two-way petting zoo?

Jim Halpert:
You pet the animals, they pet you back.

Jim Halpert:
Okay, let's just try this one on for size, and I apologize, 'cause it's right off the top of my head. An ice sculpture of you completely surrounded by a variety of chocolate-covered fruits.

Michael Scott:
Strawberries?

Jim Halpert:
That's inspired.

Dwight Schrute:
I said that!

[Dwight storms out]

Pam Beesly:
Not classy.

Michael Scott:
Not classy at all.

Jim Halpert:
D?class?.

Michael Scott:
French! Classy.

Stanley Hudson:
[the office workers find the gate has been locked] Did you not tell the security guard we were working late?

Jim Halpert:
Nope. I didn't. But let's go inside and I can call him right now.

Pam Beesly:
We can't. I locked the office from the inside when we left.

Stanley Hudson:
Perfect. You guys worked together on this one. If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in one hour, you're both dead.

Pam Beesley:
There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, "What if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?" He said, "If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."

Jim Halpert:
[Knocks on office door] Michael?

Michael Scott:
Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. What's going on?

Jim Halpert:
Nothing. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo.

Michael Scott:
Oh, thanks, thanks. It's very cool. It's three bedroom, gay-friendly.

[Michael is driving himself and Dwight back from an attempt at buying a new condo]

Dwight Schrute:
You know, you can always refinance your mortgage. We

[he and his cousin]

Dwight Schrute:
had a 15-year on our beet farm, we paid it off early.

Michael Scott:
Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst.

Dwight Schrute:
People love beets.

Michael Scott:
Nobody likes beets.

Dwight Schrute:
Everyone loves beets.

Michael Scott:
Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet.

Jim Halpert:
Very nicely done. Okay, so I think that's H.O.R. for Stanley and H.O. for Phyllis.

Phyllis:
Are you calling me a ho?

Jim Halpert:
Oh my God. Phyllis coming alive, I like it.

[first lines]

Michael Scott:
I'm an early bird and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise and I have worms.

Carol Stills:
[regarding the new condo Michael is buying] It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood.

Michael Scott:
[unsure] Oh, good. That's good. It's good to be accomodating of that.

Dwight Schrute:
Let's go check out the master bedroom.

Dwight Schrute:
A 30-year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. Now, if I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls

[double bass playing in background through the wall]

Dwight Schrute:
so you couldn't hear the other dead people.

Pam Beesly:
Ever so often, Jim dies of boredom. I think today it was the expense reports that did him in. And our deal is, that it's up to me to revive him.

Dwight Schrute:
Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm.

[pauses]

Dwight Schrute:
Sometimes teenages use it for sex.

Pam Beesley:
[Asking Angela to play in "Office Olympics"] Come on, Angela, don't you have a game?

Angela:
I have one, yes.

Pam Beesley:
Well, let's play. What is it?

Angela:
I call it "Pam-Pong." I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you.

Pam Beesley:
[Uneasy] We're friends.

Angela:
Apparently.

Jim Halpert:
Stanley, I just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you? You got any games?

Stanley:
Yeah, I got a game. It's called "work hard so my kids can go to college."

Jim Halpert:
Fair enough.

Jim Halpert:
This scented candle, which I found in the men's bathroom, represents the eternal burning of competition, or something.

Kevin:
It smells like cookies.

Jim Halpert:
Yes, it does. Yes, it does, my friend.

Dwight Schrute:
Hey, I have an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live.

Pam Beesley:
The thing about Jim is when he's excited about something, like the Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so that hardly ever happens.

Dwight Schrute:
I have been Michael's number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. Why, we're like one of those classic, famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Michael Scott:
[reading from the suggestion box] "You need to do something about your B.O."

Dwight Schrute:
[repeating to staff] "You need to do something about your B.O."

Michael Scott:
Okay. Now, I don't know who this suggestion is meant for, but it's more of a personal suggestion. And not an office suggestion. Far be it from me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody.

Toby:
Aren't the suggestions meant for you?

Michael Scott:
Well, Toby, if by me, you are inferring that I have B.O., then I would say that that is a very poor choice of words.

Creed:
Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring.

Michael Scott:
Was I, Creed? Okay, well, you know what I am implying is that when we're on an elevator together, I should maybe take the stairs. Beause talk about stank. Not that I would ever say something like that in public, and I never have, and I never will. I just think it's something that we should be aware of, okay? Now that we've learned this, let's continue. See, this is good. We're learning and we're figuring some stuff out.

Dwight Schrute:
And I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday, and please don't call me, and we'll see how things go on Monday. Stupid.

Jim Halpert:
Wait, wait, one thing. By tomorrow, you mean Saturday, right?

Dwight Schrute:
Duh!

Jim Halpert:
[to the camera] Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.

Dwight Schrute:
[running into work after discovering it really was a Friday] I'm here! I'm here! I'm here. It's okay!

Pam Beesley:
[trying to make Dwight think that it's Friday] Oh, my God, did you watch "The Apprentice" last night?

Jim Halpert:
Of course. It's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it?

Pam Beesley:
Can you believe who Trump fired?

Jim Halpert:
No, that was unbelievable.

Dwight Schrute:
Who? Who was it? Who did he fire?

Pam Beesley:
You didn't see it?

Dwight Schrute:
No. I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! Never go out on a Thursday night. What the hell was I thinking?

[Jim nods with satisfaction toward camera]

Jim Halpert:
Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.

Michael Scott:
Congratulations, Bob. You're a good man. But just know, if you lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you.

Bob Vance:
If you lay a finger on Phyllis, I'll kill *you*.

Michael Scott:
Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis.

Dwight Schrute:
There's too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague.

Phyllis Lapin:
Yes. I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think of to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before.

Michael Scott:
Phyllis is getting married and I am in the wedding party. She's asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary, it is like I'm paying for the wedding, which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis, but it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the Bride.

Kevin Malone:
I'm supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It's a very serious situation.

[singing]

Kevin Malone:
Roxanne

Michael Scott:
Webster's dictionary defines wedding as "the fusing of two metals with a hot torch." Well, you know something? I think you guys are two medals, gold medals.

Dwight Schrute:
I saw "Wedding Crashers" accidentally. I bought a ticket for "Grizzly Man" and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Because that's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.

Phyllis:
Why don't you take a seat and enjoy the buffet.

Michael Scott:
I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back.

Phyllis:
It's fish.

Minister:
And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Phyllis:
I do.

Michael Scott:
[yelling] Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance!

[silence, several people glare at Michael]

Minister:
And do you, Bob, take Phyllis...

Michael Scott:
[softly] Shh...

[Worried about downsizing]

Angela:
I think it's going to be me... It'll probably be me...

Kevin:
Yeah, it'll be you.

Michael Scott:
[after bring Pam to tears by saying she's fired] You've been X'd punk!

Jim Halpert:
If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt? Which is mixed berry.

Pam Beesly:
Jim said mixed berries? Oh wow... Yeah, he's on to me.

Todd Packer:
Does the carpet match the drapes?

Michael Scott:
...it's really beyond words. It's really incalculacable.

[Jim set a fence of pencils up between Dwight and his desk]

Dwight Schrute:
You can't do that. Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.

Michael Scott:
This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago.

Michael Scott:
What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, "Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow. Wow. Didn't work out. We had to let him go. He sucked.

Michael Scott:
I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.

Pam Beesley:
I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. Because then I might...

[pauses]

Pam Beesley:
It's just... I don't think it's many girls' dream to be a receptionist.

Dwight Schrute:
Damn it! Jim! He put my stuff in Jell-O again.

[Points to Michael]

Dwight Schrute:
You can be a witness. Can you reprimand him, please?

Jim Halpert:
[eating Jell-O] How do you know it was me?

Dwight Schrute:
Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.

Jim Halpert:
[Jim sits at his desk, dressed like Dwight] Question, what kind of bear is best?

Dwight Schrute:
That's a ridiculous question.

Jim Halpert:
False. Black bear.

Dwight Schrute:
Well, that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.

Jim Halpert:
Fact, bears eat beets. Bears, beets, "Battlestar Galactica."

Dwight Schrute:
Bears do not... What is going on? What are you doing?

Jim Halpert:
[in confessional] Last week, I was in a drugstore, and I saw these glasses. Four dollars. And it only cost me $7 to recreate the rest of the ensemble, and that is a grand total of $11.

Dwight Schrute:
[Back at their desks] You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. So I thank you.

[Jim takes a bobblehead doll out of his suitcase and sets it on his desk]

Dwight Schrute:
Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!

Jim Halpert:
[imitating Dwight] Michael!

Dwight Schrute:
Oh, that's funny. Michael!

Kelly Kapoor:
[singing to the tune of "Hollaback Girl"] This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! This day is bananas! B-A-N-A...

Angela Martin:
[cut to Angela taking some aspirin] I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing.

Customer:
I'm calling the Better Business Bureau!

Michael Scott:
Yeah, well, I'm calling the Ungrateful Biatch Hotline!

Jim Halpert:
Lord, beer me strength.

[Andy has just found out his girlfriend is a high school student]

Andy Bernard:
[horrified] Oh, my God!

Jim Halpert:
Oh, *my* God.

Andy Bernard:
I had no idea!

Jim Halpert:
[grinning] Well, that's not gonna hold up in court.

Andy Bernard:
We didn't do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.

[Dwight comes in dressed as Jim as revenge]

Dwight Schrute:
Pam.

[drums on her desk]

Pam Beesly:
[amused] Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today.

Dwight Schrute:
[scoffs] I look like an idiot!

[goes over to his desk]

Dwight Schrute:
He, Karen.

[flattens his hair to make it more like Jim's]

Karen Filippelli:
Hey, Dwight. Looking sharp.

Dwight Schrute:
Yeah, that's 'cause I'm your boyfriend, Jim Halpert.

[Karen smiles]

Dwight Schrute:
Hey, Karen. Wanna get together later and have sexual intercourse 'cause you're my girlfriend?

Jim Halpert:
[looks at Karen] Do you?

Karen Filippelli:
No. I'm good. Thanks.

Jim Halpert:
Okay.

[Dwight imitates Jim's expressions; Jim is impressed]

Jim Halpert:
Look at that.

Dwight Schrute:
I'm Jim Halpert.

Jim Halpert:
Spot on.

Dwight Schrute:
[makes some more faces and mumbles] A little comment.

Dwight Schrute:
I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat. Couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.

Andy Bernard:
So, Tuna, when we get in there, let's do a really good job, okay?

Jim Halpert:
Did that really need to be said?

Michael Scott:
Andy, you go.

Andy Bernard:
[in a British accent] William Dolittle at your service, a.k.a. Will Do.

Jim Halpert:
Yeah, I'm definitely going to go alone.

Michael Scott:
No! No! I need two men on this! That's what she said. No time! But she did. No time!

Creed Bratton:
The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did when I was a homeless man.

Andy Bernard:
[in Andy's car] Beer me.

Jim Halpert:
What's that?

Andy Bernard:
Hand me that water.

[Jim does so]

Andy Bernard:
I always say, "Beer me." Gets a laugh, like, a quarter of the time.

Michael Scott:
The watermark, it's a one-time thing.

Barbara Allen:
I don't care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex?

Dwight Schrute:
May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.

Michael Scott:
Okay.

Jim Halpert:
[imitating Dwight] Fact: bears eat beets. Bears, beets, "Battlestar Galactica."

Kevin:
If anyone gives you 10,000 to one on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.

Jim Halpert:
[after seeing a Moonbounce castle and Michael up on the roof pretending he's about to kill himself] He's going to kill himself pretending to kill himself.

[Ryan is watching his watch while Kelly is seated on the desk in front of him talking. The rest of the office staff are seen in the background watching their conversation]

Kelly Kapoor:
So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, number three becomes number two, etcetera, etcetera. And let's just say that I just sent back "Love Actually," which was awesome. And they sent me "Uptown Girls," which is also awesome. But guess what, now I want to see "Love Actually" again, but it's at the bottom of the queue. Oh, no, what do I do? What I do is this. I go online, I go click, click, click, and I change the order of the queue so that I can see "Love Actually" as soon as I want to. It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?

Ryan Howard:
I guess I forgot.

[stands up, smiles and kisses Kelly on the forehead before collecting his winnings]

Kelly Kapoor:
You're such a ditz.

Kevin Malone:
Ryan, well done. Two minutes, 42 seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win $10 because she said "awesome" 12 times. And Jim, you win $5 because she mentioned six romantic comedies.

[Pam and Jim smile in delight]

Michael Scott:
Heart disease kills more people than balers.

Lonny:
That's called having a fat butt, Michael.

Michael Scott:
No. No, it's sedentary.

Lonny:
Yeah, yeah, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from? You have fat butt disease, Michael?

Kelly Kapoor:
Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.

Lonny:
Yeah?

Kelly Kapoor:
Yeah.

Lonny:
I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?

Kelly Kapoor:
Ryan!

Lonny:
Dude, please tell your girl to shut up.

Kelly Kapoor:
What?

Ryan Howard:
Kelly, you've insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.

Kelly Kapoor:
Are you kidding me?

Darryl Philbin:
We do safety training every year or after an accident. We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...

[cut to Michael]

Michael Scott:
[laughing hysterically] Hey, Darryl, how's it hanging?

[Michael is on the roof and Dwight is below with a bullhorn]

Michael Scott:
My life! Oh, my life!

Dwight Schrute:
Michael, what's wrong?

Michael Scott:
Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression!

Dwight Schrute:
Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling "bummed out"?

Michael Scott:
Dwight, you ignorant slut! Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year according to a 2004 study.

Dwight Schrute:
Is that the last year the data was available?

Michael Scott:
Yes.

Dwight Schrute:
Hey! Guys, listen up, Michael is up on the roof and acting strange.

Andy Bernard:
Whoa! What's the situation?

Dwight Schrute:
Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.

Andy Bernard:
Okay, when's the shunning thing going to end?

Dwight Schrute:
Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him *die*.

Stanley Hudson:
Is it nice outside?

Dwight Schrute:
It's gorgeous. Let's go!

Stanley Hudson:
Do I need my jacket?

Dwight Schrute:
No, it really is. It's very nice. Come on!

Ryan Howard:
Will I be too warm in a long-sleeve tee?

Dwight Schrute:
Everyone's going to be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go!

Michael Scott:
Darryl thinks he's such a man because he works in a warehouse. Well, big deal! I worked in a warehouse. Men's Wearhouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people. He'd probably make them feel like wimps. Not me, I... "Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Wearhouse. We have a special on khaki pants today." This is one example.

Toby Flenderson:
Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato.

Jim Halpert:
Hey, Michael, don't jump on the bouncy castle.

Karen Filippelli:
[about all of the betting on random things] I don't know this place as well as I thought I did. I'm getting cleaned out.

Michael Scott:
[comparing the warehouses's safety training to theirs] They used props, they used visual aids and they just made us look like dopes.

Dwight Schrute:
Idiots! God what are we going to *do*?

Michael Scott:
I don't know. I don't know. Because you know what our killer is?

Michael Scott:
[simultaneously] Depression.

Dwight Schrute:
[simultaneously] Wolves.

Michael Scott:
[pause] Depression.

Dwight Schrute:
Visual aids?

Michael Scott:
Yes.

Dwight Schrute:
A quilt. A depression quilt?

Michael Scott:
[after bouncing a watermelon onto a car by accident] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Deactivate the car alarm, clean up the mess.

Dwight Schrute:
Okay.

Michael Scott:
Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.

Dwight Schrute:
[about Michael jumping off the roof onto a bouncy castle] When you land, try and land like an eight-year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.

Darryl Philbin:
[trying to talking Michael out of jumping off the roof] Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well you got to be you.

Michael Scott:
Do you really mean that?

Darryl Philbin:
I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.

Michael Scott:
[during safety training] Seasonal affective disorder. A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter.

Darryl Philbin:
Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.

Lonny:
Yeah, that dim light is a b*tch, ain't it?

Dwight Schrute:
Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?

Jim Halpert:
Andy, Dwight says welcome back and that he could use a hug.

Dwight Schrute:
Okay. Tell him that that's not true.

Jim Halpert:
Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.

Dwight Schrute:
Okay, no, Jim.

Andy Bernard:
[chuckles] You guys.

Dwight Schrute:
Tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim, tell him!

[Andy walks away to his desk]

Jim Halpert:
Andy... No, it's too far.

Dwight Schrute:
[pause] Damn you.

Darryl Philbin:
How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?

Michael Scott:
Bale 'er? I hardly know her.

Lonny:
Damn it, Michael, pay attention, man.

Michael Scott:
Dwight, you ignorant slut!

Dwight Schrute:
Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence.

Dwight Schrute:
I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.

Dwight Schrute:
In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.

Dwight Schrute:
I will run this branch or I will destroy this branch. Or... I don't know. Something always works out.

Robert California:
There is only sex. Everything is sex. Do you understand that what I'm telling you is a universal truth?

Robert California:
Do I look like someone who would waste my own time?

Jim Halpert:
He creeps me out, but I think he's a genius.

[Dwight interviews for Regional Manager position with his face covered in bandages and shades, handing Jim, Toby, and Gabe his r?sum?]

Jim Halpert:
Hello, Mr. Souvenier. Mr. Jacques Souvenier? Nice to meet you. It says here you're French?

[Dwight nods, and Jo looks at the bandaged Dwight suspiciously, believing that it is really Dwight]

Jim Halpert:
So you worked at your last job for 15 years as assistant to the regional manager.

Dwight Schrute:
[Muttering to disguise his voice] Assistant regional manager.

Jim Halpert:
Assistant *to the* regional manager.

Dwight Schrute:
Assistant regional manager.

Jim Halpert:
What is it?

Dwight Schrute:
[in French accent] Assistant regional manager.

Jim Halpert:
Oh, that's my mistake. Sorry about that. The last paper company you worked for burned to the ground? And all because they wouldn't hire a manager who lived and breathed paper. That's a travesty.

[Extended Version of the episode. David Brent interviews for Jim, Gabe, and Toby via webcam as he monologues]

David Brent:
Name: David Brent. Occupation: Inspirer. Status: None of your business. Young, free, and single, though. Thanks for asking. Hear you're looking for a new boss, yeah? Someone to tell a bunch of discontented, under-encouraged drones what to do every day. Is that it? Oh. Our out-of-touch powers that be. Want me to fire them? They don't see things your way? Then I ain't that dude. Bye-bye, baby, bye-bye. Get some other corporate suit to lay down the law. What? You've changed your mind? You're now looking for a leader of men? Ipso facto. Women, too. When do I start? Huh?

Ryan Howard:
I got away with everything under the last boss and it wasn't good for me. So I want guidance. I want leadership. Lead me... when I'm in the mood to be led.

Kelly Erin Hannon:
What's your real name, Lionel Frankenstein?

Andy Bernard:
Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on using...

[Stanely laughing]

Andy Bernard:
...this pencil.

Stanley Hudson:
[laughs even harder] Oh, God!

Andy Bernard:
What?

Oscar Martinez:
Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?

Andy Bernard:
Well, I'm not going to use my penis, Oscar. It's not exactly hard right now, anyway.

Meredith Palmer:
Come on. Give it a rest, pencil

[bleep]

Andy Bernard:
I'm doing this for *you*, Meredith!

Meredith Palmer:
I didn't want it!

Andy Bernard:
Well, didn't you? Why didn't... Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now?

[throws pizza against the wall and storms out of the conference room]

Dwight Schrute:
Now, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.

Andy Bernard:
Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention, please?

Stanley Hudson:
Not again.

Andy Bernard:
What do you mean "again"?

Stanley Hudson:
You're always asking for our attention.

Andy Bernard:
Well, maybe like a year ago.

Stanley Hudson:
Mmm. Seems recent.

Andy Bernard:
No, that's...

Oscar Martinez:
Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone's attention, and it seems like you've done it on several occasions.

Andy Bernard:
Everyone, I've noticed that we've not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices.

Phyllis Vance:
Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention.

Stanley Hudson:
World Cup. That's what I was thinking. You kept announcing scores.

Oscar Martinez:
That's right.

Andy Bernard:
It's the world's only international sport, so...

Astrid Levinson:
[runs into office] Mommy!

Jan Levinson:
[picks her up] Assie! Oh, [starts singing] how was school?

Astrid Levinson:
It was cool!

Jan Levinson:
[singing] What did you learn?

Astrid Levinson:
What did I learn?

Jan Levinson:
[singing] You might've learned shapes or blocks or clocks or colors, or you might've learned that we're all sisters and brothers!

Michael Scott:
[smiles] I have herpes!

Jan Levinson:
Wha- you... h...

Michael Scott:
[Questioning the company's sexual harassment policy] What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her "partner" in to work? Would that be crossing the line?

Toby:
No.

Michael Scott:
What if they made out in front of everybody?

Toby:
Well, that would be...

Michael Scott:
At home? And I told everubody everything about it?

Toby:
Okay, I'm lost.

Michael Scott:
Okay. Well, then, let's act it out. Pam, you will be Girl A, and Girl B will be...

[scans the room, but finds no one attractive]

Michael Scott:
Okay, we'll use the doll.

[grabs inflatable doll]

Michael Scott:
Pam? Pam.

[Shot of Pam looking horrified]

Michael Scott:
Attention, everyone. Hello. Yes, I just want you to know that, this is not my decision, but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work-associated things. And you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression, I will no longer ever do any of those things.

Jim Halpert:
Does that include "that's what she said?"

Michael Scott:
Mm-hmm. Yes.

Jim Halpert:
Wow, that is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...

Michael Scott:
That's what she said!

Todd Packer:
What's up, Halpert? Still queer?

Michael Scott:
Man, that Todd Packer can do anything.

Jim Halpert:
[mutters] Except pass that Breathalyzer.

Pam Beesley:
I just wanted to say that, just, my mom's coming in today.

Kevin:
MILF.

Pam Beesley:
Thanks, Kevin.

Michael Scott:
[On the sexual harassment policy] Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am upper management, and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.

Pam Beesley:
[Cut to shot of Pam] He said what?

Michael Scott:
Todd Packer and I are total "BFF." "Best Friends Forever." He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out, and we met this set of twins, and Packer told them that we were brothers.

[Giggles]

Michael Scott:
And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought them back to the motel, and then Packer did both of them. It was awesome.

Michael Scott:
You know what? I love Phyllis. And know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is an incredibly, incredibly attractive person. Come here, give me a kiss, come on

Phyllis Lapin:
Michael, come on, you don't have to worry. I'm not gonna report you to HR.

Michael Scott:
I'm not... I'm not worried! You know what? The only thing I am worried about is getting a boner.

Jim Halpert:
Hey, what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? This guy.

Michael Scott:
A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?" This is what's at stake.

Michael Scott:
I am "King of Forwards." It's how I like to do business. Everybody joking around. We're like "Friends." I am Chandler and Joey. And Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.

Dwight Schrute:
Hey, Toby.

Toby:
Hey, Dwight.

Dwight Schrute:
You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.

Toby:
Sure.

Dwight Schrute:
[pause] Where is the clitoris?

[Toby stares, shocked]

Dwight Schrute:
On a website, it said, "At the crest of the labia." What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like?

Toby:
[talking to the camera] Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking about human anatomy. I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.

Toby:
I need to talk to you in your office, it'll just take two seconds.

Michael Scott:
Literally two seconds?

Michael Scott:
Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.

Ryan Howard:
[sees Todd's License plate is "WLHUNG"] You a big William Hung fan?

Todd Packer:
Why does everybody ask me that? Who the hell is that?

Robert California:
When I was a boy, there was an empty house just up the hill from my family's. It was rumored a man committed suicide there after being possessed by the devil. One day, a young woman, Lydia, moved into the house with her infant child. That very night, Lydia was awakened by a loud, heinous hissing sound. She walked to the nursery and there in baby's crib was a snake wrapped around baby's neck, squeezing tighter and tighter. The crib was full of dirt. Baby struggled to free itself from underneath, reaching and clawing, gasping for air. Embalmed bodies rose from their sarcophagi, lurching toward the baby, for they were mummies. Amongst them was a man, tall, slim. Almost instinctively she turned to her husband. "Oh, wait," she thought, "I don't have a husband." For Lydia and her husband had had an argument, one they couldn't get past. Each night they slept one inch farther apart until one night, Lydia left. It was about this time she lost herself in an imaginary world. She had quit the book club, the choir, saying something about their high expectations. Her lips slowly grew together from disuse. Every time she wanted to act and didn't and other parts of her face hardened until it was stone. And that fevered night, she rushed to the nursery, threw open the door, "Baby, are you ok?" Baby sat up slowly, turned to Mother and said, "I'm fine B*tch. I'm fine."

Robert California:
Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us? How dare we let it into our decision-making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships? It's funny isn't it, we take a day a year to dress up in costume and celebrate fear?

Dwight Schrute:
They say no man is an island. False! I am an island, and this island is volcanic, and it's about to erupt with the hot molten lava of strategy.

Michael Scott:
I'll be in the other side of this wall if you need me. Just one knock for yes, two knocks for no.

Jo Bennett:
How many knocks does it take to get you to do some work?

Kelly Erin Hannon:
Andy! I'm in my jammy-jams.

Andy Bernard:
That's okay. I'm in my worky-works.

Jo Bennett:
You don't get to be the most powerful woman in Tallahassee by slacking off. You get there by working hard or marrying rich, and I did both.

Michael Scott:
It's Saint Patrick's day. Here in Scranton, St. Patty's day is a big deal. It is the closest the Irish will ever have to Christmas.

Angela Martin:
Are you getting sick?

Kelly Erin Hannon:
No. It's just indigestion.

Angela Martin:
In your nose?

Jim Halpert:
I'm not surprised Dwight's using my baby to try to get my desk. I'm a little surprised that it's working.

Michael Scott:
[writing something down] I've got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.

Michael Scott:
My God, if you're wearing a dress, please keep your knees together, nobody wants to see that.

Michael Scott:
Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is President! You are black, Stanley!

Michael Scott:
Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed.

David Wallace:
No, we are mad.

Michael Scott:
Yes, we are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.

Dwight Schrute:
Thank you.

David Wallace:
No, we're not.

Michael Scott:
I am not a mind reader, David.

Michael Scott:
And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.

Kevin Malone:
Call it.

Rose:
So assessing the situation. Are they breathing?

Michael Scott:
No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.

Rose:
No, that's not part of it

Michael Scott:
Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there?

Kevin Malone:
I would want to live with no legs.

Michael Scott:
How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything.

Pam Beesly:
We don't normally download movies illegally because we're honest, hardworking people.

Jim Halpert:
And we don't know how.

Pam Beesly:
But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.

Jim Halpert:
Punishment fits the crime.

Dwight Schrute:
[unfolds a letter from his jacket and reads from it] I state my regret.

Jim Halpert:
You couldn't have memorized that?

Oscar Martinez:
I consider myself a good person, but I'm gonna try to make him cry.

Michael Scott:
And I had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.

Pam Beesly:
What?

Michael Scott:
Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget.

[clears throat]

Michael Scott:
Jim, you're 6'11", and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, your teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela, where's Angela? Well, there you are. I didn't see you behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted.

[Stanley starts to laugh]

Michael Scott:
Oscar, you are...

[starts giggling]

Michael Scott:
Oscar, you're gay.

Oscar Martinez:
Wow.

Michael Scott:
Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck and you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted.

Andy Bernard:
I'm not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Maybe I could be a food critic. "These muffins taste bad." Or an art critic. "That painting is bad."

Dwight Schrute:
It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess, he's either deeply depressed or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say, "Michael, take two steps back and stare at the icicle from the side." And he's like, "No, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them." It was only a matter of time.

[after Michael believes Stanley's bio-feedback machine isn't working right because it beeps anytime he's near]

Michael Scott:
Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That's what he said. Right, guys? Because of gay.

Dwight Schrute:
Attention, everyone, I just got a text from Michael. He says "personnel day." Are we hiring?

Jim Halpert:
Yeah. You're being replaced.

Michael Scott:
Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping. And... Do you know what "hypothetical" means?

[Jim makes an unsure expression]

Michael Scott:
Not real.

Jim Halpert:
Got it.

Michael Scott:
So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go?

Jim Halpert:
Absolutely. Yes.

[in confessional]

Jim Halpert:
When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes.

Michael Scott:
Really?

Jim Halpert:
Yeah.

Michael Scott:
Oh, do you want to go today?

Jim Halpert:
[aside to the camera] And I am always busy.

[to Michael]

Jim Halpert:
Oh, I can't go today because I'm donating blood.

Creed Bratton:
Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake.

Jim Halpert:
What do you want?

Creed Bratton:
I want pie. I want peach pie.

Jim Halpert:
You want birthday pie?

Creed Bratton:
I want a nice cobbler.

Jim Halpert:
I'll talk to Angela and we're going to see what we can do about a pie.

Creed Bratton:
I don't care who you talk to you. Just make it happen.

Jim Halpert:
It'll be Angela.

Creed Bratton:
You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means.

Michael Scott:
[to Stanley] Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack. Not crack the drug.

Dwight Schrute:
Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way. No, I do not.

Michael Scott:
It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about

[looks at his watch]

Michael Scott:
2:00 in the afternoon.

Jim Halpert:
Yeah. Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.

Jim Halpert:
Well, I don't think I'll be here in 10 years, but...

Michael Scott:
That's what I said.

[Jim sits with a shocked expression that that will happen to him]

Michael Scott:
That's what she said.

Jim Halpert:
That's what who said?

Michael Scott:
I never know. But I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension when things sort of get hard.

Jim Halpert:
That's what she said.

Michael Scott:
[laughs] Hey. Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward.

[Michael is a little hurt that he wasn't invited to Ryan's camping trip]

Michael Scott:
Just this whole Toby camping thing. I don't know, seems a little lame. I mean...

Jim Halpert:
How so?

Michael Scott:
A bunch of guys in a tent making s'mores.

[Michael wavers his hand implying that circumstance warrants homosexuality because it's all guys]

Jim Halpert:
[about Michael's motions] What's that?

Michael Scott:
Oh, I'm on Broken Mountain. [sn*ggers]

Michael Scott:
I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives. They're adults, for God's sake.

Jake:
You're ugly.

Dwight Schrute:
Well, at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So...

Jake:
Meredith!

Stanley:
[believing that Ryan is after his 8th grade daughter] That little girl is a child! I don't want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon. Do you understand?

Ryan Howard:
Yes, sir.

Stanley:
Boy, have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it. What you looking for? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there. Jesus could come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child.

Ryan Howard:
[outside] Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.

Michael Scott:
I'm Michael Scott and I am in charge of this place. How do I make you understand... I am like Superman. And the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.

Dwight Schrute, Jim Halpert:
That's Batman.

Michael Scott:
Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys?

Jim Halpert:
The ocean.

Michael Scott:
[muttering] I work with a bunch of nerds.

Toby:
Is everything okay?

Michael Scott:
You have to ask me that because you work for Human Resources.

Michael Scott:
Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And I have a great one. Little Kid Lover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Edward R. Meow:
[Michael and the employees kids are watching the young Michael on an old puppet show] So, tell me, what do you wanna be when you grow up?

Young Michael Scott:
I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.

Edward R. Meow:
[Long pause] Uh... oh, okay. Well, nice talking with you, Michael. Back to you, Miss Trudy.

Melissa Hudson:
[after Michael turns off the clip] Did you get married?

Michael Scott:
Uh, no.

Abby:
Why not?

Michael Scott:
Uh, it just never happened.

Sasha:
So, do you have any kids?

Michael Scott:
Uh, nope.

Jake Palmer:
Do you have a girlfriend?

Michael Scott:
I do okay.

Melissa Hudson:
Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?

Jake Palmer:
Even I have a girlfriend.

Michael Scott:
Okay. All right. Okay.

Sasha:
So, you didn't get to be what you wanted to be.

Michael Scott:
[pause] I guess not.

Jim Halpert:
At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.

Dwight Schrute:
[next scene] Did you get your tickets?

Jim Halpert:
To what?

Dwight Schrute:
The gun show.

[lifts up his sleeve and kisses his arm]

Jim Halpert:
[back to interview] And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him but only in ways that would get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says, "No, Jim, here's a way."

Jim Halpert:
You are not going to believe this.

Dwight Schrute:
What? I believe it.

Jim Halpert:
Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.

Dwight Schrute:
I could tell from the body language.

Jim Halpert:
[in the kitchen] That looks good. What is it? Turkey?

Kevin:
Italian.

Jim Halpert:
Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion. Provolone...

Kevin:
Yeah.

[back outside]

Jim Halpert:
Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.

Dwight Schrute:
Good. Let 'em. That's fine. It helps our cause.

Jim Halpert:
Well, I don't know, because if Kevin's in Accounting and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking...

Dwight Schrute:
They're forming an alliance.

Toby:
[back in kitchen] I love their sandwiches.

Jim Halpert:
I love their sandwiches too.

Kevin:
Their bread's really good.

Jim Halpert:
Their bread is very good.

Dwight Schrute:
[back outside] Damn it. God. Gah!

[kicks car and car alarm sounds]

Jim Halpert:
Okay, listen. We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.

Dwight Schrute:
God damn it! Why us?

Jim Halpert:
Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong!

Michael Scott:
No, I'm not going to tell them about the downsizing. As a doctor, you wouldn't tell a patient that they had cancer.

Dwight Schrute:
So, what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?

Phyllis:
Well, for decorations, maybe we could - it's stupid, forget it.

Angela:
What?

Phyllis:
Oh, I was just gonna say maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.

Angela:
No, yeah, I think that's a good idea. What color do you guys think?

Phyllis:
Well, there's green... blue... yellow... red.

Pam Beesly:
How about green?

Angela:
I think green is kind of whoreish.

Pam Beesly:
This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin, but Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course, by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.

Dwight Schrute:
I'm a deer hunter, I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer? They have very good vision. One thing about me? I'm better at hiding than they are at vision.

Dwight Schrute:
Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.

Michael Scott:
You know, if I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself.

Michael Scott:
I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.

Dwight Schrute:
She had a hysterectomy.

Michael Scott:
Which one is that again?

Dwight Schrute:
That's when they remove the uterus.

Michael Scott:
Oh, God! Dwight, no.

Dwight Schrute:
It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information is passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos, which puts me at a disadvantage because...

[picks up water bottle]

Dwight Schrute:
I bring my own water to work.

Pam Beesley:
I suggested we flip a coin, but Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course, by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.

Michael Scott:
Mint chocolate chip!

Michael Scott:
I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talking about.

Stanley:
That's not what a hate crime is.

Michael Scott:
Well, I hated it, a lot, okay.

Michael Scott:
You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense.

Michael Scott:
You know what? If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, we'd be done.

[Everyone looks around at each other]

Michael Scott:
Very well, then you're all punished.

Pam Beesley:
What's our punishment?

Michael Scott:
You're all in time-out. Just sit there quietly.

[Phyllis' phone rings and she starts to answer it]

Michael Scott:
No, no.

Michael Scott:
I am a big "Fear Factor" fan. I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually. So this is sort of like my audition tape.

Michael Scott:
Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her.

Creed:
[walks into the office as everyone stares at Michael's awful smelling carpet] Hey, guys. Somebody making soup?

Michael Scott:
Do you remember Ed Truck?

Creed:
Sure. He hired me. How's he doing?

Michael Scott:
How would I know?

Creed:
I thought you might.

Michael Scott:
My biggest fear is turning into him.

Creed:
Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that.

Michael Scott:
I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you?

Michael Scott:
Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "Uh, no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."

Michael Scott:
I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming, and would applaud as I walked away.

Dwight Schrute:
[about their agreement] But not in your bed. It's lumpy.

Angela Martin:
Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names. And those names are Amber, Milky Way, Diane, and Lumpy.

Christian:
[Speaking of Jan's divorce] You were really brave. I mean, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists. You said, "World, this is my blood, it's red, just like yours. So love me."

Dwight Schrute:
[playing Agent Michael Scarn in a screenplay written by Michael] "Sam, get my luggage."

Ryan Howard:
[playing Agent Michael Scarn's assistant, Samuel L. Chang, with Asian accent] "I forget it, brother."

Dwight Schrute:
"Samuel, you are such an idiot. You are the worst assistant ever and you're disgusting. Dwigt." Wait, who's Dwigt?

Pam Beesley:
[in confessional] Here's what we think happened: Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie, is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight, but then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace. But that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one "Dwigt." And Dwight figured it out. Oops!

Jim Halpert:
[last lines - to the camera] It's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fianc?.

Dwight Schrute:
Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of "Oklahoma!" in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutie the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.

Jim Halpert:
You know, when I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke. I wonder how hard it would be to get a copy of his room key.

Jan Levinson:
Well, Michael, I just... I underestimated you.

Michael Scott:
Yeah, well, maybe next time you will estimate me.

Michael Scott:
I love inside jokes. Love to be part of one someday.

Angela Martins:
In the Martin family, we like to say, "Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly." That's code for "Check out the slut."

Michael Scott:
[about Jim] I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It's like with firemen, you don't leave your brothers behind. Even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.

Michael Scott:
Swag! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my swag!

Jim Halpert:
Dwight's room key. And Dwight's room. What can I say? Old habits die hard.

[opens door, sees a woman on the bed]

Angela Martins:
D?

Jim Halpert:
[closes door quickly] Oh, my God! Dwight got a hooker! Oh, my God, I gotta call... Well, I gotta call somebody, I don't even know who to call. Dwight got a hooker!

Michael Scott:
[turns on black light in his hotel room] Now would you do me the pleasure of hitting the lights, sir?

Michael Scott:
[Dwight turns off lights and they see stains all over bed] Whoa. What are all those stains?

Dwight Schrute:
Blood, urine, or semen.

Michael Scott:
Oh, God, I hope it's urine.

Andy Bernard:
I am so horny.

Jim Halpert:
[pause] Okay, I can't help you with that.

Andy Bernard:
Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty, good for a romp in the sack.

Jim Halpert:
She is dating Ryan, I think.

Andy Bernard:
Oh, and I care why?

Jim Halpert:
She's high-maintenance.

Andy Bernard:
Next. How about... Angela? Blondes have more fun. Come on, trust me on that.

Jim Halpert:
Yeah, trust *me*. That would be fun for no one.

Andy Bernard:
Okay, fine.

Jim Halpert:
Okay.

Andy Bernard:
Pam, the receptionist. Pam... should I go for it?

Jim Halpert:
[pause, looks back at Pam, then back to his own desk] Absolutely, you should.

Andy Bernard:
Jackpot.

Dwight Schrute:
I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.

Dwight Schrute:
Prison Mike, what's the very, very worst thing about prison?

Angela Martin:
[softly to Dwight] Don't encourage him, Dwight.

Michael Scott:
[as Prison Mike] The worst thing about prison was the... was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary and then they'd come down and they'd suck the soul out of your body and it hurt!

Karen Filippelli:
Dementors, like in "Harry Potter"?

Michael Scott:
No, not "Harry Potter." There are no movies in prison.

Angela Martin:
Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else?

Michael Scott:
Do you really expect me not to push you up against the wall, biatch?

Jim Halpert:
What did you do, Prison Mike?

Michael Scott:
[pretending he went to prison] I stole and I robbed and I kidnapped the President's son and held him for ransom.

Jim Halpert:
That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.

Michael Scott:
And I never got caught, neither.

Jim Halpert:
Well, you were in prison, but... Mm-hmm.

Pam Beesley:
Prison Mike, what was the food like in prison?

Michael Scott:
Gruel sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.

Kevin:
[trying to figure out who in the office was a convict] Martin?

Michael Scott:
[shocked] Oh, you are such a racist.

Kevin:
Wait, why am I a racist?

Michael Scott:
Because you think he's black.

Kevin:
He is black... right?

[in regards to insider trading]

Kevin:
I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for because it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day.

Pam Beesly:
I have this little vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that can be manager.

Dwight Schrute:
Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also weak arms.

[the people at the Stamford branch are playing a computer game]

Josh Porter:
This is not working, okay? We are getting slaughtered out there.

Andy:
It's the new guy.

Jim Halpert:
Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know what we're talking about.

Andy:
See what I mean?

Josh Porter:
We just need a strategy, okay? We're gonna set up a trap in the gunroom. All right? Jim, are you using the MP40 or .44?

Jim Halpert:
Sniper rifle?

[Andy and Josh gets upset]

Josh Porter:
[shouting] Snipe...

Andy:
[shouting] What? Are you playing for the other team?

Josh Porter:
[shouting] Jim! In Carentan? You don't snipe in Carentan, okay?

Andy:
[shouting] It's saboteur! Saboteur!

Josh Porter:
Andy, it's not...

Andy:
I'm gonna kill you for real. This game, the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you.

Michael Scott:
[to Dwight] No, seriously, you should have an M&M, they're really good.

Andy Bernard:
[after Jim had just killed him in "Call of Duty"] Why did you do that?

Jim Halpert:
I'm just killing Germans any way I can.

Andy Bernard:
We're on the German team. Shoot the British.

Jim Halpert:
[to Karen] Wait, are we playing teams?

Michael Scott:
[Michael reveals that he knew about Dwight's meeting with Jan after Dwight badmouthed his Sebring] I know, Dwight, I know. I know, I know.

Dwight Schrute:
You know what?

Michael Scott:
Jan told me about your little meeting.

Dwight Schrute:
No.

Michael Scott:
I know what you did.

Dwight Schrute:
[voice wavering as he thinks it's partially a result of his comments toward Michael's Sebring] You... The Sebring's cool...

Michael Scott:
I made the whole thing up, Dwight!

Dwight Schrute:
It's cool, the Sebring's cool...

Michael Scott:
Oh, do you? Do you like it?

Dwight Schrute:
...And has a cassette and a CD.

[Dwight continues backing away from Michael scared]

Pam Beesley:
Kelly's trash-talking me because Darryl's beating you.

Jim Halpert:
What? Seriously? What is she saying?

Kelly Kapoor:
[looking back] Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball. Jim couldn't hit a Ping-Pong ball if it was the size of the moon. Were Jim's parents first cousins that were also bad at Ping-Pong?

Kelly Kapoor:
I don't talk trash; I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical, like, "Your mama's so fat, she could eat the Internet." But smack talk is happening, like, right now. Like, "You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there."

Michael Scott:
You expect to get screwed by your company, but you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.

Jan Levinson:
Remember, it's not just a pattern; it's a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behaviors.

Michael Scott:
Dis ray. My friend Dis Ray got new specs. Dis ray spect. My friend Inappro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.

Jan Levinson:
...Does this work for you?

Diane Kelly:
It's admirable, the way you defend a woman who is so obviously ambivalent about her relationship with you.

Michael Scott:
Thank you very much. You didn't have to say that.

Diane Kelly:
Considering she consistently gave you such poor performance reviews.

Michael Scott:
That was before our relationship. She was going through a divorce, and she was drinking a lot.

Diane Kelly:
Okay.

[Jan looks shocked]

Michael Scott:
...Of water.

Michael Scott:
Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone for any reason ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been... ever, for any reason whatsoever...

Jim Halpert:
[Addressing the camera] Andy still doesn't know that Angela's having an affair with Dwight. And it's been 17 days. I mean, eventually he'll figure it out when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth.

[reading the note Andy posted to a bush in the parking lot]

Dwight Schrute:
"From the desk of Andrew Bernard." A note. Pathetic. "Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note. How are you? I am well. You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note. It's come to my attention that in any physical match with you, I would surely be bested." True. "The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly. Alas, after much consideration..."

Michael Scott:
[talking to David Wallace] So I was in the office. And I look over to our accounting division, and there is Kevin Malone. Kevin is wearing a jacket that I have never seen before, and... I call over to Kevin, "Kevin, is that a tweed jacket?" And he looks at me and he says, "Michael, yes it is a tweed jacket." And I look back at him and I say, "I feel the need [long pause] the need for tweed." So...

Pam Beesly:
You know what they say about a car wreck where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.

Michael Scott:
TMI? Too much information. It's just easier to say TMI. I used to say, "Don't go there," but that's lame.

Dwight Schrute:
So, what's the joke? You're not perfect, either.

Pam Beesly:
We're not laughing at you, Dwight.

Dwight Schrute:
So, who are we laughing at?

Pam Beesly:
Just something somebody wrote.

Dwight Schrute:
Who, Dave Barry?

Kelly:
[laughs] No, no. Just something that was written on the ladies' room wall.

Dwight Schrute:
What is it? Who wrote it?

Pam Beesly:
It's kind of private.

Phyllis:
[whispers] It's about Michael.

Dwight Schrute:
That is defacement of company property, so you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less.

Pam Beesly:
[laughing] Okay, now I'm laughing at you.

Dwight Schrute:
So what's the joke? You're not perfect, either.

Ryan Howard:
[in regards to Michael giving him the "Hottest in the Office"] What am I gonna do with the award? Nothing. I don't know what I'm gonna do. That's the least of my concerns right now.

Jim Halpert:
What a great year for the Dundies. We got to see Ping and we learned Michael's true feelings for Ryan, which was touching. And we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs, which, for me, has ruined them for life.

Jim Halpert:
What?

Pam Beesly:
Nothing.

Jim Halpert:
Okay.

Pam Beesly:
What?

Jim Halpert:
I don't know. What?

[Pam falls out her chair]

Jim Halpert:
Oh, my God! You are so drunk.

Dwight Schrute:
Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention, please? I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies' room for a reason, and if you cannot behave like ladies, well, then you are not going to have a bathroom.

Pam Beesly:
You're taking away our bathroom?

Dwight Schrute:
We are going to have two mens' rooms.

Phyllis:
But where would we... go?

Oscar:
The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party. And you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there, but the kid's having a really good time, so you... You're kind of there. That's... That's kind of what it's like.

Michael Scott:
And the Tight Ass Award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has a great caboose. So, come on down.

Angela:
No.

[giggles and slurps on drink]

Jim Halpert:
I think those might be empty.

Pam Beesly:
No, no, 'cause the ice melts, and then it's, like, second drink.

Michael Scott:
And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesly. I think we all know what award Pam is gonna be getting this year. It is the Whitest Sneakers Award, because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on. Get on down here! Pam Beesly, ladies and gentlemen! Oh, here we go.

Pam Beesly:
[very drunk] I have so many people to thank for this award. Okay, first off, my Keds, because I couldn't have done it without them. Thank you. Let's give Michael a round of applause for emceeing tonight, because this is a lot harder than it looks.

[applause]

Pam Beesly:
And also because of Dwight, too.

[silence]

Pam Beesly:
So, finally, I wanna thank God, because God gave me this Dundie and I feel God in this Chili's tonight.

[pauses]

[Pam whoops loudly]

Michael Scott:
Was this year's Dundies a success? Well, let me see. I made Pam laugh so hard that she fell out of her chair and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost.

Pam Beesly:
[shouting into camera] Oh, my God! I just want to say that this was the best Dundies ever.

[whoops loudly at the camera]

Chili's Manager:
We have a strict policy here not to over-serve. Apparently, this young woman was sneaking drinks off of other people's tables. I Xeroxed her driver's license, and she is not welcome at this restaurant chain ever again.

Michael Scott:
A lot of the people here don't get trophies very often, like Meridith or Kevin. I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts?

Michael Scott:
Oh, hey, Karate Kid. The Hilary Swank version.

Michael Scott:
And after that, nobody ever messed with the Damn Rascals ever again.

Jim Halpert:
Sounds tough. When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way, right?

Michael Scott:
You're a jet?

Michael Scott:
[acting tough after beating Dwight in a fight] You talking to me? You talking to me? "Raging Bull." Pacino.

[elated]

Michael Scott:
Oh, I want that footage, I want it. I need it.

Angela:
[as Angela, Stanley, Toby and Pam are forging Michael's signature] This is illegal.

Stanley Hudson:
I don't care.

Stanley Hudson:
I don't want to stay until 7:00 again this year.

Pam Beesly:
I don't really have any control over that, Stanley.

[both look toward Michael's office]

Pam Beesly:
Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work. Time cards, he has to sign these every Friday. Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month. And expense reports, all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter. But once every year, it all falls on the same Friday. That's today. I call it the perfect storm.

Michael Scott:
I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments, and that is when it's nice to let them know that you could beat them up.

Ryan's Voicemail:
Seven new messages. First new message:

Michael Scott:
Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein.

Ryan's Voicemail:
Next message:

Michael Scott:
Hey, Ryan, this is your girlfriend and I'm mad.

Jim Halpert:
Just have Dwight punch you.

Michael Scott:
Oh, yeah.

[scoffs]

Michael Scott:
Well, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who can kick his ass.

Jim Halpert:
You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?

Dwight Schrute:
What belt are they?

Jim Halpert:
The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so that we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight.

Michael Scott:
Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Dwight Schrute:
I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran, killed 20 men, then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

Michael Scott:
Just hit me, you'll see.

Jim Halpert:
I can't, 'cause I just got a manicure, so...

Michael Scott:
Oh, queer!

[remembers he's on camera]

Michael Scott:
Eye... "Queer Eye." That's a good show. Important show.

Jim Halpert:
[leading games during a fire drill] All right, let's move on. Let's move on to the main event, "Who would you do?"

Kevin:
Present company excluded?

Jim Halpert:
Not necessarily.

Kevin:
Pam.

Oscar:
Pam.

[cut to look of shock on Pam's face]

Jim Halpert:
Um... Okay. You know what? Maybe I'll finish explaining the rules. Let me explain it first and then...

Michael Scott:
[the members of the office are playing a game of "Who would you do?"] Roy? Who would you do, Roy?

Roy:
Oh, I got it. What's the name of that tight-ass Christian chick? The blonde?

Angela:
[angrily] My name is Angela.

Roy:
[without shame] Hey, Angela.

[gesturing to himself]

Roy:
Roy, nice to meet you.

Michael Scott:
All right, who's next? Who's next? Who's next? Who's... Jim? You're next. Who would you do?

Jim Halpert:
[There is an awkward pause] Um, Kevin, hands down.

[the group begins to laugh]

Jim Halpert:
Yeah, I mean, he's really got that teddy bear thing going on and afterwards we could just watch bowling.

Michael Scott:
Well, I would definitely have sex with Ryan,

[the group stops laughing and Ryan makes an uncomfortable expression]

Michael Scott:
'cause he's gonna own his own business.

Roy:
[the camera pans to Roy who is the only one left laughing] You're all gay.

Dwight Schrute:
Question: is there firewood on the island?

Jim Halpert:
I guess.

Dwight Schrute:
Then I would bring an ax, no books.

Jim Halpert:
No, it has to be a book, Dwight.

Dwight Schrute:
Fine. "Physician's Desk Reference."

Jim Halpert:
Nice. Smart.

Dwight Schrute:
Hollowed out. Inside, waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and, in case I get bored, "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone." No, "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban." Question: did my shoes come off in the plane crash?

Phyllis:
[the employees are listing what books they would like to read on a desert island] "The Da Vinci Code."

Angela:
"The Da Vinci Code." I would take "The Da Vinci Code," so I could burn "The Da Vinci Code."

Dwight Schrute:
Okay, great. That's gonna keep you warm for, like, seven seconds.

Dwight Schrute:
[to the tune of "We Didn't Start The Fire"] Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe! Ryan started the fire!

Michael Scott:
Help! Oh, God! Oh, help! Help me.

Toby:
What happened?

Michael Scott:
I fell off the toliet. I'm caught between the toliet and the wall.

Toby:
What do you need?

Michael Scott:
Not you. Someone else. Get Pam.

Toby:
I don't think Pam's gonna wanna come in to the men's room.

Michael Scott:
Get Ryan. He needs to lift me up, and he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel.

[Ryan's eyes widen, as he shakes his head]

Toby:
Ryan is dead.

Michael Scott:
No, he's not. I just saw him.

Toby:
Dead. No. Can you just get up yourself? You only grilled your foot.

Michael Scott:
Forget it. I'll just get up myself.

Dwight Schrute:
[Leaving Pam's desk]... okay, see you later Pan.

Michael Scott:
Hey.

Ryan Howard:
I found the pudding cups you wanted at a gas station in Carbondale!

Michael Scott:
You did it. Look at you. And with the plate and the napkin. Very nice. Thank you, Ryan.

Ryan Howard:
You are very welcome.

Michael Scott:
Did you get the yams?

Ryan Howard:
No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams.

Michael Scott:
Oh, okay. I'll just have the pudding.

Ryan Howard:
You sure?

Michael Scott:
[sighs] Yeah.

Michael Scott:
Dwight, what is your middle name?

Dwight Schrute:
Danger.

Michael Scott:
Something with a "K."

Jim Halpert:
It's Kurt. Wow, I am so sad that I know that.

Michael Scott:
Please don't send Dwight.

Michael Scott:
Can I have everyone's attention, please? Phyllis. Oscar. Ryan, who is supposed to be dead.

Michael Scott:
You people are jerks. Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me.

Phyllis:
Oh, we wouldn't do that. We love Stevie Wonder.

Michael Scott:
I want you to rub butter on my foot.

Pam Beesly:
No.

Michael Scott:
Pam, please? I have Country Crock.

Dwight Schrute:
[delusional] You can't fire me. I don't work in this van.

Michael Scott:
[holds up his injured foot, which is wrapped in plastic] What does this look like to you, Stanley?

Stanley:
Mail Boxes Etc.

Michael Scott:
I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon. Sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It's good for me. It's a perfect way to start the day.

Jim Halpert:
I wanna clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill.

Dwight Schrute:
What is the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?

Stanley:
The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

Dwight Schrute:
I am going to be your new boss.

[chuckles]

Dwight Schrute:
It is my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Checkout time is never.

Jim Halpert:
Does my room have cable?

Dwight Schrute:
No. And the sheets are made of fire.

Jim Halpert:
Can I change rooms?

Dwight Schrute:
Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.

Jim Halpert:
Can I have a late checkout?

Dwight Schrute:
I'll have to talk to the manager.

Jim Halpert:
You're not the manager? Even in your own fantasy?

Dwight Schrute:
I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!

Jim Halpert:
Okay. Just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy, you are in Hell, and you are co-running a bed-and-breakfast with the Devil.

Dwight Schrute:
Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.

Jim Halpert:
Go.

Dwight Schrute:
$80,000 a year.

Michael Scott:
Why is my office black?

Dwight Schrute:
To intimidate my subordinates.

Michael Scott:
That's stupid.

Pam Beesly:
So you would be the regional manager and the assistant regional manager, Andy is your number two. I would be the secret assistant regional manager.

Dwight Schrute:
Mmm, let's call it secret assistant to the regional manager.

Pam Beesly:
Mm-hmm.

Dwight Schrute:
Do you accept?

Pam Beesly:
Absolutely I do.

[During a talking heads segment about Jan's Boob job]

Meredith Palmer:
I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than to the front.

Kevin Malone:
I love fake b*obs. Oftentimes, you find them on strippers.

Creed Bratton:
I find it offensive. Au naturel, baby. That's how I like them. Swing low, sweet chariots.

Dwight Schrute:
Once I am officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.

[after Jim interrupts her confessional and asks her out]

Pam Beesley:
I'm sorry. What was the question?

Jan Levinson-Gould:
[being fired] So long, ass...

[bleep]

David Wallace:
So I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty, but after some more thought, I'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job. Great. I'm so glad. We're all very excited you're going to be joining us. It'll be nice to have another MBA around here.

Ryan Howard:
I'm excited, too. Okay. Bye.

Kelly Kapoor:
Who was that?

Ryan Howard:
Nobody,

[short pause]

Ryan Howard:
You and I are done.

Kelly Kapoor:
What?

[glances at the camera]

Dwight Schrute:
Although, publicly, I am going to retain the assistant regional manager position.

Pam Beesly:
You will be your own assistant.

Dwight Schrute:
Correct. I need someone I can trust.

Karen Filippelli:
Pam is... kind of a b*tch.

Robert California:
Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I'll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues and then inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No I do not believe in that at all. If I invited you to lunch I think you're a winner, if I didn't I don't, but I just met you all. Life is long, opinions change. Winners prove me right. Losers prove me wrong.

Ryan Howard:
[while eating pizza] Oh, this crust is sharp!

Pam Beesly:
Michael, let me make this VERY easy for you. I COULD GIVE A SH*T ABOUT YOUR HAPPIENESS, stop dating my mother!

Andy:
Saw your dork-mobile in the parking lot. What does it get, like, four miles to the gallon?

Dwight Schrute:
Uh, try double that. Classic Trans Am, vintage American muscle. Please.

Andy:
Yeah, my Xterra is pretty sweet. Luxurious yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese.

Dwight Schrute:
Xterra's not even a real word.

Andy:
Actually, it is. It's Latin for "earth."

Dwight Schrute:
Oh, so you drive an X-earth? Yeah, that makes sense. I'd rather drive a classic Trans Am than an X-earth.

Andy:
Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, by the way, 1985 called. It wants its car back.

Dwight Schrute:
Well, I hope 1985 has a time machine, 'cause I drive an '87.

Andy:
Oh, speaking of time machines? I just got back from the future, and I went to your funeral, and guess what? Nobody came.

Dwight Schrute:
Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die?

Andy:
That was a really well-constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-Not University.

Dwight Schrute:
Idiot!

Andy:
If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a Trans Am.

Dwight Schrute:
If you were driving a Trans Am, you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world.

Andy:
[coughing] Idiot!

Dwight Schrute:
[coughing] You're the idiot.

Andy:
[coughing] Nice comeback.

Dwight Schrute:
[coughing] I was making fun of your comeback. That's why it worked.

Jim Halpert:
[in regards to "Lazy Scranton"] It reminds me of the orientation video Michael showed on my first day. "The Scranton Witch Project."

Michael Scott:
[In the video] I am so scared when people don't label their personal food.

Kelly Kapoor:
Oh, my God, I have so much to tell you!

Jim Halpert:
Really?

Kelly Kapoor:
Yes. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, they had a baby and they named it Suri, and then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, they had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are amazing!

Jim Halpert:
Great. What's new with you?

Kelly Kapoor:
[blank stare] I just told you.

Hannah Smotrich-Barr:
Take a picture; it'll last longer.

Ryan Howard:
I'm sorry, it's just... It's a little distracting.

Creed:
Ditto that, my brother.

Andy Bernard:
I'm always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs.

Hannah:
Look what's on his computer!

Michael Scott:
What is that, a squid's eye, or...

Hannah:
It's my left breast.

Michael Scott:
How did you...

Creed:
Right place at the right time.

Michael Scott:
[greeting Karen Filippelli] Welcome! Wow, you're very exotic-looking. Was your dad a GI, or...

[as Roy is leaving the office]

Kevin Malone:
Jim! Roy! Look out!

Jim Halpert:
Thanks, Kev.

Toby Flenderson:
This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from his female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.

Dwight Schrute:
No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.

Michael Scott:
Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.

Michael Scott:
Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something: higher salaries. Win, win, win. But, you know, life is about more than just salary. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan...

Jan Levinson:
[firmly] Michael.

Dwight Schrute:
I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who's a real hero? Hiro from "Heroes." That's a hero. Also Bono.

Toby Flenderson:
I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But if he did intend that... Wow. Genius.

Dwight Schrute:
Every day for eight years, I've brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And every day, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now?

Michael Scott:
You know what, Pam, would you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit?

Pam Beesly:
Oh, my God. That's a woman's suit.

Dwight Schrute:
When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?

Jan Levinson-Gould:
What's wrong with you?

Michael Scott:
I don't know. Was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.

Creed:
[talking about Dwight pepper spraying Roy] I remember it was very late at night, like 11:00, 11:30. Big fella comes in screaming about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car, something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter...Angela: [cuts him off] You're useless.

Michael Scott:
Jim, could you come in here, please?

Harvey:
Hi, Jim. I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks.

Michael Scott:
[laughing] I'm sorry. Oh, wow! That's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him.

Jim Halpert:
Yeah, you can.

Michael Scott:
You know what? Get Pam.

Jim Halpert:
For this?

Michael Scott:
Pam!

Harvey:
Pam, you look very hot today.

Jim Halpert:
Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael's new friend.

Pam Beesley:
Great.

Harvey:
Me so horny. Me love you long tim.

Pam Beesley:
Who's "long Tim"?

Harvey:
Long time. Me love youa long time.

Jim Halpert:
Oh, well, maybe "Youa" should bring "long Tim" in one day.

Harvey:
You ruined a funny joke. You get out of my offive.

Pam Beesley:
Okay. Bye, Harvey

Harvey:
[long pause] B*obs.

Karen Filippelli:
[walks into conference room where Jim sits alone, saying nothing] . Do you still have feelings for her?

Jim Halpert:
[thinks on the question. Admitting to himself finally] Yes.

Michael Scott:
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes, and I am that big man.

Phyllis:
Dwight had a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together, it can be explosive.

Kevin:
Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gaycation?

Oscar:
That's very funny.

Kevin:
[Proudly smiles] Yeah? I thought of that like two seconds after you left.

Jim Halpert:
I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe, you win.

Michael Scott:
[regarding Andy] I don't understand how someone can have so little self-awareness.

Michael Scott:
He's always up in my biznezz, which is Ebonics for being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.

Jim Halpert:
Hey, Ryan, wanna play a trick on Andy?

Ryan Howard:
Not right now. Ask me again about 10 years ago.

Jim Halpert:
I liked you better as a temp.

Ryan Howard:
Me, too.

Michael Scott:
I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.

Ryan Howard:
If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget, too.

Michael Scott:
Jim is a friend of mine. So the only people this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam, and me.

Dwight Schrute:
Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasance's sake.

Jim Halpert:
Yeah, on the booze cruise, I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I had just broken up with Katy, and had a couple of drinks, and I confided in the world's worst confidant.

Michael Scott:
Look. About you and Jim. I... No.

Pam Beesley:
No, that's... You don't have to...

Michael Scott:
No. I just feel it's my responsibility as your boss/friend...

Pam Beesley:
No, it's really, it's okay. I know that Jim had, like, a crush on me when he first started, but that was a long time ago, so...

Michael Scott:
It wasn't that long ago. It was on the booze cruise.

Pam Beesley:
[Puzzled] Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise, or he told you about it on the booze cruise?

Michael Scott:
Uh-uh. Okay, shut it, Michael. I'm done, that's it. I'm out.

[Pam leaves, now wondering what really happened]

[speaking at the seminar]

Creed Bratton:
Two eyes. Two ears. A chin. A mouth. Ten fingers. Two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I've just described to you the Loch Ness monster. And the reward for his capture? All the riches in Scotland.

Toby Flenderson:
We should really have the office's air quality tested. I mean, we have radon coming from below. We have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers.

Michael Scott:
You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex.

Michael Scott:
Well, I swallowed all your ideas. I'm going to digest them and see what comes out the other end.

Michael Scott:
I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I've only seen "Antz." But I'll tell you something, what I respect about that man is that when he was going through all of that stuff that came out in the press, about how "Antz" was just a ripoff of "A Bug's Life," he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw, which, again, was "Antz." Thing is, I thought "A Bug's Life" was better, much better than "Antz." Point is, don't listen to your critics. Listen to your fans.

Goldenface:
Sorry about your friend, Scarn.

Michael Scarn:
The joke's on you, Goldenface. That man was a wanted animal rapist.

Michael Scarn:
Hey, Goldenface.

Goldenface:
Yeah?

Michael Scarn:
Go puck yourself.

Michael Scarn:
It'll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back and balls to kill Michael Scarn.

Sexy Nurse:
Let's just make sure that everything's... working properly.

Bachelorette #4:
Ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby?

Drunk Man in Bar:
If doing the Scarn is gay, then I'm the biggest queer on Earth!

Michael Scott:
Eleven years that I could've been working on "The Scarn Nebulous."

Michael Scott:
But, you know what? When I think about it, when I really think about it, none of those things are as real to me as my movie.

Holly Flax:
I'm real.

Michael Scott:
Yeah, you're a real pain in the ass.

Samuel L. Chang:
We've searched the whole building, Goldenface. Where is the bomb?

Goldenface:
Hmm?

Samuel L. Chang:
We've searched the whole building, Goldenface. Where is the bomb?

Goldenface:
Hmm?

Samuel L. Chang:
We've searched the... Okay.

Dwight Schrute:
All right, picture this. Snowy ash drizzles from the sky. A rabid pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out. There's only one hope for you: the door to my shelter. You pound. You beg. "Dwight, please let me in." But I ignore your cries and do not let you in. You want to know why?

Jim Halpert:
Because of the sign that says, "No pounding, no begging."

Holly Flax:
[about Todd Packer] Okay, look, we can't fire someone because we don't like him.

Ryan Howard:
Right. This isn't the U.S. government.

Kelly Kapoor:
What are you referencing?

Ryan Howard:
Everything. Everything.

[as Kevin, Holly, and Dwight are eating in the kitchen]

Todd Packer:
Hey, what's going on, you guys? Yeah. Three muske-queers.

Kevin Malone:
Mean, but good.

Kevin Malone:
[to Todd] Your life is so insane. You should write a book.

Todd Packer:
Since when did you learn how to read?

Kevin Malone:
[still smiling] I do know how to read, though.

Todd Packer:
Yeah. You know how to read a menu. This guy...

[Todd chuckles and leaves]

Kevin Malone:
[to Holly and Dwight] I... He's right. I mean, I could lose some weight.

Dwight Schrute:
Kevin, in sumo culture, you'd be considered a promising up-and-comer.

[deliberating how to get back at Todd]

Jim Halpert:
All right, well, this isn't my best, but call Froggy 101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets. We give them a number to call for the tickets, and it's his number.

Dwight Schrute:
Who is Justice Beaver?

Jim Halpert:
He... It's a crime-fighting beaver.

Ryan Howard:
Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but he will be missed.

Andy:
[singing] Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-dawesome. Dwight is now gone, which is totally awesome. Why was he gone? He was such a nice guy. No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doompa-dee-doom.

Karen:
So, let me ask you a question.

Jim Halpert:
Okay.

Karen:
Did you ever have a thing for Pam?

Jim Halpert:
Pam? Did I ever have a thing for her? No. Why? Did she say something?

[Deleted scene]

Dwight Schrute:
I like Karen. She's pretty... appears intelligent.

Jim Halpert:
Well, I like pretty women... with the appearance of intelligence.

Michael Scott:
I want you to think about your future at this company. I want you to think about it long and hard.

Dwight Schrute:
That's what she said.

Michael Scott:
Don't... Don't you dare.

Jim Halpert:
[after enduring a day tormenting Andy after Jim's nemesis Dwight resigns] I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.

Dwight Schrute:
[to a potential sales client] Here's my card. It's got my cell number, my pager number, my home number and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick. And I don't celebrate any major holidays.

Michael Scott:
You know what they say? "Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice... strike three."

Stanley Hudson:
Pass.

Michael Scott:
You can't pass. You gotta pick somebody.

Stanley Hudson:
[looks around] I'll take the kid.

Ryan Howard:
[in the confessional] I'm very flattered. I was his second choice after "pass."

Jim Halpert:
[holding up old picture of himself and Dwight] Oh, young Jim. There's just so much I need to warn you about and yet, tragically, I cannot.

Harry Jannerone:
No, no, no, kid! Stay there, do your dishes! Go ahead!

Oscar Martinez:
[about Michael] And just like that, as mysteriously as he arrived, he was gone.

Michael Scott:
My resolution? I never wanna make Holly cry again. Unless it's from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully.

Dwight Schrute:
What'd you get?

Darryl Philbin:
A book about oceans.

Dwight Schrute:
Oh, really? What else? Let me see.

Darryl Philbin:
That's porn. Pornography. Old lady. Nasty porn.

Pam Beesley:
It's just that I had to sit here all day while Phyllis got, like, an entire garden delivered to her.

Roy:
What? You're mad at me?

Pam Beesley:
I mean, I know that we said, "No big gifts," but I was kind of hoping you'd get me something for Valentine's Day.

Roy:
Well, Valentine's Day isn't over. Let's get you home and you are gonna get the best sex of your life.

Michael Scott:
I would love to live in New York someday. It's a big dream of mine. Work at corporate with Jan. That would be awesome. Go to Broadway shows, eat hot dogs. Scranton is great, but... New York is like Scranton on acid. No, on speed. No, on steroids.

Dwight Schrute:
Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.

Dwight Schrute:
In the Schrute family, the youngest child always raises the others. I've been raising children since I was a baby.

Andy Bernard:
I just ate an entire seahorse! I have to admit, I did not think it was going to work, but it's totally working! I feel exactly like a sea horse! Neighhh gurgle gurgle...

Michael Scott:
[to Gabe] If you break that girl's heart, I will kill you. That's just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl's heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.

Stanley Hudson:
Yes, I have a dream, and it's not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there's a button that I can press, and launch that lighthouse into space.

Andy Bernard:
Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them because they are unfair.

Dwight Schrute:
Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also, Kevin.

Dwight Schrute:
Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.

Kelly Kapoor:
[to the camera] I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months, I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.

Creed Bratton:
[seperately to the camera] That wasn't a tapeworm.

Phyllis Lapin:
I wonder what people like about me. Probably my jugs.

Kevin Malone:
Wait, back up. Do you think that I'm retarded?

Andy Bernard:
Every little boy fantasizes about his fairytale wedding.

Andy Bernard:
I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding, because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked.

Angela Martin:
I have a fianc? I very much like.

Jim Halpert:
I can't believe I'm saying this, but Michael is actually killing it with Holly. And I think I know why. It's because Holly is kind of a major dork.

Michael Scott:
What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went... I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.

Dwight Schrute:
This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Um... Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills.

Andy Bernard:
Ang... ela.

[Angela gives Andy an annoyed look]

Andy Bernard:
[singing] Ela, ela, ela. Under my Angerela. Ela, ela, eh, eh, eh.

Angela Martin:
[annoyed] What?

[Jim exits his car and runs to meet Pam under the overhang]

Pam Beesley:
Hey, this is not halfway. I did the math. I had to drive way longer than you. Montclair would have been closer, so you have to buy lunch.

[Jim drops to one knee]

Pam Beesley:
What are you doing?

Jim Halpert:
[holding out a jewelry box] I just can't wait.

Pam Beesley:
Oh, my God.

Jim Halpert:
Pam, will you marry me?

Pam Beesley:
[laughing incredulously] Oh, my God!

Jim Halpert:
So?

Pam Beesley:
[nods happily] Yes!

[Michael is on Jo's private jet, as she asks him what has him upset]

Michael Scott:
It has not been a blockbuster year for me financially. My Blockbuster stock is down.

Dwight Schrute:
I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.

Michael Scott:
My point is... A penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie.

Dwight Schrute:
"Alien." [makes monster noise]

Angela:
Sometimes the clothes at the GapKids are just too flashy. So, I am forced to go to American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.

Pam Beesly:
I don't often miss Roy, but I can tell you one thing. I wish someone flashed me when I was with Roy. Because that would have been the ass-kicking of the year. Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to see Jim's... I'm... I am saying a lot of things.

Dwight Schrute:
This is a petition for the business park to upgrade their security cameras, as well as install two floodlights in the parking lot. And I know what you're thinking: Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam, you can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community?

Pam Beesley:
Phallus?

Dwight Schrute:
Phyllis. Sorry. I've got penises on the brain.

Jim Halpert:
[after he's been given a demerit] Like, what does a demerit mean?

Dwight Schrute:
Let's put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.

Jim Halpert:
Lay it on me.

Dwight Schrute:
Three demerits, and you'll receive a citation.

Jim Halpert:
Now, that sounds serious.

Dwight Schrute:
Oh, it is serious. Five citations, and you're looking at a violation. Four of those, and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that will land you in a world of hurt, in the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me, and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.

Jim Halpert:
Which would be me.

Dwight Schrute:
That is correct.

Jim Halpert:
Okay. I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full dessaggelation.

Dwight Schrute:
What's a dis... What's that?

Jim Halpert:
Oh, you don't want to know.

Karen Filippelli:
Hey, did you guys see this memo that Dwight sent out? "Women will be sent home if they wear makeup or heels exceeding one-quarter inch. Females are not allowed to speak to strangers unless given written authorization by Dwight Schrute." This is ridiculous.

Dwight Schrute:
Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen.

Karen Filippelli:
Dwight, this memo that you distributed is insulting.

Dwight Schrute:
Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Michael Scott:
Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited.

Meredith Palmer:
I don't remember doing that!

Angela:
What a surprise.

Karen Filippelli:
What you're saying is extremely misogynistic.

Michael Scott:
Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And it proves my point. Women can do anything.

Karen Filippelli:
I'm saying that you're being sexist.

Michael Scott:
No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist.

Karen Filippelli:
That's the same thing.

Phyllis Lapin:
Michael.

Michael Scott:
Yes.

Phyllis Lapin:
When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian.

Michael Scott:
Because... That was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut.

Angela:
And when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods.

Michael Scott:
I have to know whether you're serious or not.

Michael Scott:
Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There's a wishing fountain at the mall, and I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela a heart and for Kelly a brain. "Michael. How can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?" You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all.

Michael Scott:
Let's face it. Most guys are from the Dark Ages. They're cavemen. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing eight-inch heels. And to be wearing see-through underpants. But for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked.

Bears eat Beets, Bears Beets Battle-star Galactica

Dwight:
Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' and if they would, I do not do that thing.

It's Britney, b*tch.

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