The Paper

[a very pregnant Martha struggles in the morning]

Martha:
Bladder control, you don't miss it until it's gone.

Carmen:
You wanna cover Brooklyn, then cover Brooklyn! But let me tell you something, it's a little tough to do from a barstool in Manhattan.

Henry:
Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me.

Henry:
I realize this doesn't exactly get us off on the right foot.

Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel:
The right foot, are you out of your mind? The offer is rescinded. How stupid do you think we are? What do you think I get when I put two and two together? Three? Three and a half?

Henry:
Look, I'm trying to be reasonable here, and just let me...

Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel:
Why don't you just take my wallet as well?

Henry:
Let me talk. Let me say something, wait a m...

Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel:
Well, I hope you're satisfied, a**hole! You just blew your chance to cover the world!

Henry:
Really? Well guess f***ing what? I don't really f***ing care. You wanna know f***ing why? Because I don't f***ing live in the f***ing world! I live in f***ing New York City! So go f*** yourself! [Henry slams down telephone back on the receiver]

Janet, Henry's Secretary:
You handled that well.

Henry:
Thank you.

Alicia:
You... are... so... f***ing... fired!

Bernie:
Well, you're in management now. If everybody loved you, you'd be doing something wrong.

[Henry drinking Coke]

Martha:
Why don't you just pour battery acid down your throat?

Henry:
No caffeine.

Martha:
Wear a tie for the interview. And promise me you won't torpedo it on purpose, okay?

Henry:
What's the matter with Phil? It looks like he sat on something sharp.

Janet, Henry's Secretary:
Well, you told him he could have Richard's old desk, right?

Henry:
Right.

Janet, Henry's Secretary:
And now you promised it to Carmen. Are you completely psychotic?

Henry:
I have episodes. Nothing serious.

Janet, Henry's Secretary:
Phil is still pissed you wouldn't approve his $600 orthopaedic chair. And now with this desk thing, he's convinced it's a conspiracy to prevent him from sitting down.

Henry:
Jeez. What are these?

Janet, Henry's Secretary:
Subway wreck, West 4th Street this morning. Did you find the one with the...

Henry:
Is that an arm?

Janet, Henry's Secretary:
Yeah, you found it.

Henry:
Doesn't anybody say "good morning" any more?

Carmen:
I don't think so.

Henry:
Sometimes you can just smell a horrendously shitty day on the way, can't you?

Bernie:
You do have a problem, Henry. But it's your problem.

Henry:
Thanks, Bernie. You've been a big help.

Henry:
For God's sakes, Alicia. We're not gonna ask some news reporter to wait until after 5:00 to make out-of-state phone calls. It's ridiculous. I'm not gonna do it.

Alicia:
Okay, let's let them make free phone sex calls too.

Henry:
You mean as a kind of bonus? That's not a bad idea. Why don't you start with Phil?

Phil:
Aw, Jesus, Bernie. Come on with the smoke. You know the doctor found nicotine in my urine again.

Bernie:
Then keep your dick out of my ashtray.

Bernie:
What about something fun? Don't we have anything fun today?

Henry:
Nazis marching in New Jersey.

Lou:
There you go.

Bernie:
Nazis are a barrel of laughs.

Anna:
Oh, Henry, this might interest you. The mother whale in the Ukraine had triplets.

Henry:
She told me she was on the pill!

Bernie's Doctor:
Now don't overreact. If we go after it early, before it metastasizes to a bone, the majority of these prostate cancer cases are beatable.

Bernie:
Go after it how?

Bernie's Doctor:
Irridation therapy.

Bernie:
That's fantastic. That's wonderful, because... as it turns out, that's exactly the portion of my anatomy I'd like to see exposed to radiation.

Bernie's Doctor:
You'll have to take an hour or two off work for each treatment. We should start right away. How's next monday?

Bernie:
To burn a hole in my ass? Sounds good. Then I still have the weekend.

[pause]

Bernie:
Could you possibly be any more humourless about this?

Bernie's Doctor:
I don't believe so. No.

Lou:
Big scoop from the TV guys. Pinhead's brother cancels trip.

Henry:
When did you get so paranoid?

Michael McDougal:
When they started plotting against me.

Henry:
Hey, do you remember Sedona Savings and Loan? They went under six months ago. We did a big piece on 'em.

Michael McDougal:
I don't read this newspaper.

[after firing a shot inside Henry's office]

Michael McDougal:
Let Marty talk to her husband. Please.

[Vinnie eating a donut]

Lou:
Vinnie, can you bring your creamy friend along with you and join us?

[Martha wants to talk to Henry]

Henry:
I've got 64 seconds. What's wrong?

[Reading in a dictionary]

Bernie:
Deadline: A date or time before which something must be done.

Henry:
It's a Marx Brothers movie every time I step in my office.

Alicia:
One of our security guards actually tried to frisk me. We're having drinks later.

Lou:
Great. "Gotcha" with a slammer.

Anna:
Oh yeah, god forbid this paper ever runs anything without an exclamation mark.

Bernie:
Where did you get this?

Henry:
This? I stole it off Bladden's desk at The Sentinel.

Bernie:
Jesus, Henry, I was kidding.

Henry:
You know, they called us "cute", and I was right there and they were out of tote bags.

Bernie:
You got a cop quote?

Henry:
A what?

Bernie:
Quote. You know, they talk, you write, we print?

Bernie:
If we get art on the two kids at the walk of shame, it's "Gotcha!".

Henry:
Did McDougal call in?

Janet, Henry's Secretary:
No.

Henry:
No message at all from McDougal?

Janet, Henry's Secretary:
I have no motive for lying, Henry.

[Looking at Lou's proof of page one]

Lou:
What do you think?

Henry:
I hate it.

Lou:
Me too.

Henry:
What do you think I'm trying to do?. Look, I got news for you. I'm not locked up in the men's room with a cop because it's a good time. Frankly, I've had better times, okay? I'm here because I think the story is wrong. Is it? Is it? If you have something, give it to me now, but don't stand there and act coy and say "F*** you", because, quite frankly, it's a waste of all of our time. And you know what? I don't have any more time. I have no more f***ing time. I need it f***ing today, I need it right now!

Bernie:
Do you hate me? If you hate me, there's no point.

Deanne White:
I don't know you enough to hate you.

Henry:
Are you telling me these banker schmucks lost $5 million of the Mob's money?

Martha:
Dumb fellas, huh? Unwise guys.

Martha:
Oh, come on! I dump a big, fat juicy steak in your lap, and you ask for sauce?

Martha:
Henry, listen. Tomorrow is fine. Tomorrow.

Henry:
No, today.

Martha:
Tomorrow.

Henry:
Today. Today. Today. Today.

Martha:
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

Henry:
Today, now. Today, now. Today.

Henry:
Robin happens to be a professional news photographer.

Alicia:
Robin happens to be 14 years old.

Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel:
The Sedona item. you stole it right off my desk!

Henry:
Uh...

Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel:
Uh, uh, uh, my ass!

Michael McDougal:
What's with all the grunt work? I'm a columnist.

Henry:
You're not a columnist. You're a reporter who writes long.

Henry:
I can't stay. I have to put the paper to bed. But what do you say we all get together later and go have some dessert at that... place.

Henry:
I - You're shouting, first of all.

Martha:
I know I'm shouting! I like to shout!

Bernie:
I hate columnists! Why do I have all these columnists? I got political columnists, guest columnists... celebrity columnists - The only thing I don't have is a dead columnist. That's the kind I could really use.

Henry:
Right. Listen...

Bernie:
We reek of opinions. What every columnist at this paper needs to do is to shut the f*** up.

Bernie:
Don't just take a position because it's the opposite of what she says! It's like watching a bunch of sixth graders, for Christ's sake!

Henry:
Don't take the bat out of my hand. It's the ninth inning.

Alicia:
There's something I'd like to discuss. I didn't want to bother you upstairs. I feel an obligation to... act on this directly with you because I think we have a good - I think we have a good relationship... and I'd like to take it further. And I think the way to do that is face to face. You know, you and I, face to face.

Graham Keighley:
Alicia.

Alicia:
Yeah?

Graham Keighley:
I'm gay.

Alicia:
Oh, umm... well, I mean, I wasn't - I mean, that's fine.

Graham Keighley:
Alicia?

Alicia:
Yeah?

Graham Keighley:
I'm kidding.

[In prison]

Second Kid:
Man, I'm so scared.

First Kid:
Don't talk.

Second Kid:
Yeah, what am I supposed to do?

First Kid:
Stay awake.

Michael McDougal:
You got an honest-to-God exclusive.

Henry:
I think we got room for 20 inches on this one. Give me a killer lead. By the way, you got three minutes.

Michael McDougal:
I need four.

Henry:
Three.

Michael McDougal:
I need four.

Henry:
Alright, whatever. Just make it fast.

Henry:
I'm stopping it.

Michael McDougal:
What?

Henry:
We stop and replate. Go upstairs and write up what you've got. Tell Lou to send down "They Didn't Do It".

Michael McDougal:
Hey Henry, are you going to say it? You gotta say it.

Henry:
Use the same art they used for "Gotcha!".

Michael McDougal:
Come on, how often do you get the chance? You can't just do it and not say it, come on!

Henry:
I - Stop the presses!

Alicia:
People take the Sun with a grain of salt. We'll run yours tomorrow.

Henry:
No! Not tomorrow! Right f***ing now today!

Alicia:
We're not exactly the Washington Post, okay?

Michael McDougal:
No, we're not. We run stupid headlines because we think they're funny. We run maimings on the front page because we got good art. And I spend three weeks bitching about my car because it sells papers. But at least it's the truth. As far as I can remeber we never ever, ever knowingly got a story wrong, until tonight.

Marion Sandusky, New York Parking Commissioner:
You made my wife cry when she reads the paper.

Michael McDougal:
At least she bought it, didn't she?

[Alicia is shot]

Michael McDougal:
A woman's been shot. We need an ambulance.

Alicia:
Could I have one too?

Martha:
Didn't you notice?

Henry:
What?

Martha:
All the crap. Today I can't even remember it.

[last lines]

News Anchor:
Because your whole world can change in 24 hours.

Alicia:
We taint them today, we make them look good on Saturday. Everybody's happy.

[Sandusky has accidentally shot Alicia in the leg, through the wall of the phone booth]

Alicia:
[in shock] A bullet came out of the wall... why did a bullet come out of the wall?

Michael McDougal:
To get to the other side?

Graham Keighley:
[Alicia has followed Graham into the men's restroom; she is met with awkward stares from the men] I'd love it if you weren't here.

Henry:
A clipboard and a confident wave will get you into any building in the world!

Henry:
I don't think so, I don't think so. You know, TV's gonna be all over it. They already are. It's a minor derailment. And Carmen has got great day two stuff on the Williamsburg murders. If they make a bust, we have to follow up on that.

Alicia:
The subway's a major story.

Anna:
Nobody died.

Lou:
Somebody got maimed.

Alicia:
Yeah, that helps.

Henry:
[mocking] Minor derailment!

Henry:
Alicia's going to have to kiss my ass on this one. Come on, baby! Right here, baby!

Michael McDougal:
This is great! This is great! It writes like butter. I mean, there is actual butter coming out of my pen.

Marion Sandusky, New York Parking Commissioner:
[before attacking McDougal] Get outta my way!

Jerry:
[on Bernie's mood] What's up his ass?

Henry:
A bagel.

Alicia:
Oh please, Henry. You don't care whether they get beaten up or not, that's not what this is all about. We got our ass kicked yesterday, so you want to beat everyone else today, that's all.

Henry:
Yeah I do. You don't? You don't?

Alicia:
C'mon, give me a break.

Henry:
Tell me you don't. You do. F*** it! Let's not beat anybody today, let's not beat anybody all week. Bernie, what do you say? Let's not beat anybody til October, the whole year? F*** it, Let's never beat anybody to the rest of our lives.

Bernie:
In '68, a bunch of us went to cover the Olympics in Grenoble. Decided to go to the best restaurant in town. Now, the menu didn't have any prices, but we were all on expense accounts so we figured, f*** it, got drunk. Well, somehow there ended up being, I don't know, fifteen or sixteen of us at the table, and when the check came - ooooo, it was nine thousand dollars.

Alicia:
Whoa.

Bernie:
Yeah. [chuckles] So, now we're all starting to point fingers, we're trying to figure out who invited who. And just when it was starting to get really embarrassing, this funny-lookin' old guy at the next table calls the maitre-d over. [mimics writing] Ehhhh, he did a couple of squiggly lines on a napkin, signed his name, winked at us - that was it. The old guy was Pablo Picasso, and that napkin paid our bill.

Alicia:
Did I miss the segue here, Bernie? What's the point?

Bernie:
Well, the people we cover - we move in their world but it is their world. You can't live like them, Alicia. You'll never keep up. Now, if you try and make this job about the money, you'll be nothing but miserable, 'cause we don't get the money - never have, never will."

Bernie:
Features.

Carl:
We got Alison's profile of the teenage hit man. We got Grace finally done with that Hollywood who's-banging-who chart and part three in our continuing saga on penile implants.

Henry:
Yeah, by the way, could we possibly get another dick drawing? It looks like a map of Florida. I also look like, I think, the 5th at Shinnecock Country Club, doesn't it? I would play over the water, by the way, as a suggestion.

Henry:
What if these aren't the guys? What if they're innocent?

Alicia:
Taint them today, we make them look good on Saturday. Everybody's happy.

Henry:
Wait. This is a story that could permanently alter the public's perception of two teenagers who might be innocent and as a weekend bonus, ignite another race war. How about that? Think about this.

Richie:
You guys use my name on this and I'll f***ing find you. You understand?

Henry:
I got it. Police department source only. Promise, right?

Richie:
These kids? They didn't do it.

Bernie:
I gotta know if she hates me. If she hates me, there's no point.

Marion Sandusky, New York Parking Commissioner:
Hates you? She's your daughter. What could you do that she would hate you?

Bernie:
I kept f***ing my reporters and... broke her mother's heart.

Marion Sandusky, New York Parking Commissioner:
That would do it.

Bernie:
Yeah, it would. It did.

Alicia:
He derails his train and steps over bodies to have a few beers?

Henry:
What do you do after you step over bodies?

Alicia:
I have a cigarette and go to sleep.

Phil:
What's with the gunshot?

Henry:
McDougal.

Bernie:
Is he dead?