The Parent Trap

Sharon McKendrick:
'Cos that's how true love creates its beautiful agony. All splendid lovers had just dreadful times! Er, Pelias and Melisande, Daphnis and Chlo?. History's just jammed with stories of lovers parted by some silly thing!

Miss Inch:
Congratulations. In the history of this camp, that was the most infamous, the most disgusting, the most revolting display of hooliganism we have ever had.

Miss Grunecker:
Rolling around like hooligans in front of our guests.

Miss Inch:
And worst of all, two sisters who should be setting a good example.

Susan Evers:
We're not sisters!

Sharon McKendrick:
I've never seen HER before in my life.

Miss Inch:
They are! Aren't they?

Miss Grunecker:
No ma'am. Just look-alikes.

Miss Inch:
An amazing resemblance.

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Oh yes! Don't say anything about that dear, sweet, precious Vicky! That plus-faced child bride and her electric hips!

Susan Evers:
Do you want to know Father? And I'm just dying to know Mother. It might be so scary that we just might be able to pull it off.

Sharon McKendrick:
Pull what off?

Susan Evers:
Switch places!

Sharon McKendrick:
Switch?

Susan Evers:
We can do it. We're twins, aren't we? Oh, I'm just dying to know Mother! Look, now I'M getting goosebumps!

Sharon McKendrick:
Me, too. You know something? There's more to it than just switching places. I believe fate brought us together.

Susan Evers:
How so?

Sharon McKendrick:
If we switched, sooner or later, they'd have to unswitch us.

Susan Evers:
Mother would have to bring me to California to unmix us.

Sharon McKendrick:
And they'd have to meet again.

Susan Evers:
Face-to-face. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Sharon McKendrick:
Exactly.

Susan Evers:
Let's get to work!

Verbena 'Ever's Housekeeper':
You didn't know what a good thing you had when you had it.

Mitch Evers:
Huh?

Susan's roommate at camp Inch:
The nerve of her! Coming here with your face!

Susan's other roommate:
What are you gonna do about it?

Susan Evers:
Do? What in heaven's sake can I do, silly?

Susan's other roommate:
I'd bite off her nose. Then she wouldn't look like you.

Miss Inch:
[reading from index cards] Welcome to Camp Inch, new arrivals. I am your supreme commander here. My name is... [turns to the next card and continues reading] Miss Inch. [frowns, looks back at the previous card in confusion, then re-reads the new one] Oh, yes, Miss Inch.

Ursala, Camp Inch roomate:
I know! We'll wait until she comes over here and when she's not looking we'll dump ants down her dress!

Betsy, Sharon's Camp Inch roommate:
Where are we gonna find ants at night stupid?

Ursala, Camp Inch roomate:
Ooo, just thinking about it makes me so mad I could just spit!

Mitch Evers:
Would you mind putting on something decent?

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
I'm dressed perfectly decent.

Mitch Evers:
Yeah, running around in my bathrobe. The priest could come in here any minute, it looks like we just...

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Like we what?

Mitch Evers:
Just go upstairs and put on some clothes!

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Don't you take that tone with me Mitch. I lambed you once!

[she tries to make a childish fist but it gets wrapped under her robe sleeve, so she pulls the sleeve down]

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Now stand back.

Mitch Evers:
Oh Maggie, come on...

[he tries to grab her arm from behind but she elbows him instead and instinctively punches him in the eye]

Mitch Evers:
Ow! [covers his eye] Why do you have to get so physical? [mopes over to the couch and lies down]

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Oh, stop being such a big baby. Let me take a look at it. [tries to look at his eye but he childishly won't let her] You're acting worst than the twins.

Sharon McKendrick:
[looks at Susan putting up a picture on the wall] Who's that?

Susan Evers:
[turns to her surprised] Are you kidding? Ricky Nelson?

Sharon McKendrick:
Oh, your boyfriend.

Susan Evers:
[a choked laugh is forced out] I wish he was! You mean you've never heard of him? Where do ya come from? Outer space?

Charles McKendrick:
[Susan starts sniffing the coat he is wearing] My dear, what are you doing?

Susan Evers:
Making a memory.

Charles McKendrick:
Making a memory?

Susan Evers:
All my life, when I'm quite grown-up I will always remember my grandfather and how he smelled of [smells his jacket again] tobacco and peppermint.

Charles McKendrick:
Smelled of tobacco and peppermint. [starts chuckling] Well, I'll tell you what. I take the peppermint for my indigestion and as for the tobacco [looks around] to make your grandmother mad.

Mitch Evers:
Hey, Maggie, you look pretty good. What did you do to yourself?

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
*Do* to myself?

Verbena 'Ever's Housekeeper':
I'm not saying a word. Not one single word.

Mitch Evers:
[after Vicky slaps one of the twins] Hey, wait a minute, there's no call for that. They didn't do anything to you!

Vicky Robinson:
You'll never know what they did to me, you big GOON! Now get me outta this stinkin' fresh air!

Charles McKendrick:
Louise, for once I'm putting my foot down. Now let them alone!

Louise McKendrick:
Charles, stop burbling.

Charles McKendrick:
I haven't burbled in years!

Sharon McKendrick:
[while Mitch thinks she's Susan] My nails, I bit them all because of you! And my hair! Look at my hair! I cut it off just for you! Of all the pigheaded fathers!

Sharon McKendrick:
[after telling her he's going to marry Vicky] Don't you see, Dad, it's all relative. Compared to her, you're an old man.

Mitch Evers:
I am not an old man!

Mitch Evers:
[entering the dining room to see an empty table] Hey, uh, what happened to dinner?

Verbena 'Ever's Housekeeper':
Oh, dinner's being served on the patio tonight.

Mitch Evers:
Oh, whose idea is that?

Verbena 'Ever's Housekeeper':
It's none of my nevermind. I don't say a word.

Mitch Evers:
[turning to leave; deadpan] I know, you never say a word to anyone.

Susan Evers:
[pretending to be Sharon while saying goodbye to Miss Inch] I shan't tell my aunt about the ants nor the debutantes. Shall I?

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Oh darn!

Mitch Evers:
What's the matter?

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Well, I've got a wet dishcloth on and I put some knots in it. Open it for me!

Mitch Evers:
Maggie, as long as everybody's apologizing, I think maybe I better do mine too. I mean about the other night, well, I didn't mean for it to sound like uh... I guess I'm not very good with the compliments what growing up out here with the cows...

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Oh now, don't give me that old "growing up with the cows routine"! You handed me that years ago!

Mitch Evers:
I did not!

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
You certainly did!

Mitch Evers:
Well it worked didn't it? You liked it!

Mitch Evers:
Ah Maggie, you're so beautiful.

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
[to brush it off] Ah...

Mitch Evers:
No I mean it! I know I don't say things like you want to hear, but I've been thinking a lot about you, and us, and the way things used to be... this might sound funny to you but you know what I've missed most of all?

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Mitch?

Mitch Evers:
What?

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
You've got stew all over you.

Mitch Evers:
I don't care.

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Go and wash it off. [pause] What do you miss?

Mitch Evers:
Well, I don't care if it does sound silly; I miss those wet stockings you used to have hanging around the bathroom, and I miss my razor being dull because you used it to shave your legs with. And I miss the hairpins mixed up with the fish hooks in my tackle box... it's no fun having a clothes closet all to myself. And it's no fun swearing because you're not around to make believe you're shocked by it. Well, nothing's any good without you Maggie, I miss a lot of things... I guess I just miss you!

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Why did you take so long to tell me?

Mitch Evers:
I don't know... Well because, cause I guess I was hoping that you'd come back sometime. Maggie, I've been the prize chump of the world. We've both been. We're going to grow into a couple of old lonely people if we don't do something about it.

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
I know.

Mitch Evers:
You don't want that, do you?

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
No Mitch. [they kiss] Oh Mitch, it's been so long... so very long.

Mitch Evers:
Don't cry. Listen, you can slug me in the eye anytime you want.

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Ok!

Vicky Robinson:
You're a big girl now, Susan. You're old enough to understand that wonderful, delicate mystery that happens sometimes between a man and a woman.

Sharon McKendrick:
I know what wonderful, delicate mystery Daddy sees in you. And I can't say I blame him there, either. You're very nicely put together.

Vicky Robinson:
Your father underestimates you, I think.

Sharon McKendrick:
I'm sure you won't, will you, Vicky?

Vicky Robinson:
Susan, dear, you've had him to yourself all this time, and I can understand that suddenly to have another woman around, well, it's a tremendous intrusion. But all my life, it seemed, I've hoped and waited for someone like him: someone gentle and mature, rough-edged, but quick to laugh, someone understanding and wise. All the things that I've come to love and cherish in him.

Sharon McKendrick:
Well, that's very refreshing.

Vicky Robinson:
Why, dear?

Sharon McKendrick:
Most girls just run after Daddy because he's so wealthy.

Vicky Robinson:
[angrily] Are you inferring that I'd marry your father for his money?

Sharon McKendrick:
If the shoe fits, wear it!

Vicky Robinson:
Look, pet. I've tried to be friendly, but I'm going to marry your father, so you get used to the idea!

Sharon McKendrick:
You wanna bet?

Vicky Robinson:
Oh, honey, don't you play with the big girls. You'll be in way over your head.

Sharon McKendrick:
[outside the dance with her roommates] Serves you right. Stay out of our tent from now on.

Susan Evers:
You vicious little wretch! [Susan slaps Sharon and Sharon slaps her back]

Susan Evers:
How old are you?

Sharon McKendrick:
Thirteen.

Susan Evers:
So am I. I can't wait till I'm eighteen and get my own car and stay out dancing till midnight.

Sharon McKendrick:
I'll be fourteen November 12th.

Susan Evers:
No kiddin'? That's my birthday too.

Sharon McKendrick:
Isn't that peculiar? November 12th?

Susan Evers:
Um huh. Funny, isn't it?

Susan Evers:
[Gets up off the bed] Uh oh. This one's full. [Looking around] Hey! What do ya know? It's stopped raining.

Sharon McKendrick:
[Both outside sitting on the step] What is your mother like?

Susan Evers:
I can't remember her.

Sharon McKendrick:
Did she die?

Susan Evers:
Nope. Busted up with Dad when I was young. But she was fabulous. Absolutely fabulous!

Sharon McKendrick:
How do you know?

Susan Evers:
There used to be a picture of her on Daddy's desk. But once he caught me looking at it and it's never been around since. Hey! You wanna come to the commissary and get a popsicle with me?

Sharon McKendrick:
Can you only think about your stomach at a time like this?

Susan Evers:
At a time like what?

Sharon McKendrick:
Don't you feel it? Don't you know what's happening? Don't you find it peculiar that we both look so much alike, and have the same birthday?

Susan Evers:
It's just one of those things. Isn't it?

Sharon McKendrick:
Will you come inside a minute? Please?

Sharon McKendrick:
[Back inside] Mother always says I'm psychic. You know, that I can sense things when something odd is going to happen. I always get goosebumps. Look.

Susan Evers:
So what?

[Sharon reveals the picture of her mother]

Susan Evers:
I don't understand. What are you doing with her picture?

Sharon McKendrick:
It's my mother.

Susan Evers:
But it's my mother too.

[Grandmother rattles off the day's schedule at the breakfast table]

Susan Evers:
[as Sharon] I don't think I'll be able to do any of those today.

Grandmother:
[surprised] What did you say?

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Sharon! You interrupted your grandmother.

Susan Evers:
Well I have something important to tell you. [emphatically] Mother, I think what you and Daddy did to us children is lousy! In fact, I think it stinks!

Grandmother:
Sharon!

Susan Evers:
[approaching Grandmother] And let's get this straight, I'm not Sharon, I'm Susan. [facing her mother] Sharon, your Sharon, is out in California with Daddy.

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
But it's impossible!

Grandmother:
You can't be Susan.

Susan Evers:
But I AM Susan. Sharon and I met at camp, so we decided to switch places. She bit off her fingernails and I cut her hair, and now she's out in California with Dad, swimming and riding my horse and having a KEEN time and I'm stuck here with these lousy music lessons and I HATE them!

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
[staring as if too good to be true] Susan!

Susan Evers:
Oh I'm sorry, Mother. But I wanted to see you, and I missed not having a mother. I love you very much, and I wondered, if you could love me as me and not as Sharon. Please?

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Oh Susan! [she hugs Susan] Oh my darling. Why didn't you let me know? Why didn't you tell me?

Susan Evers:
I couldn't help it. I mean, I wanted to be near you and to know what it was like to have a mother and everything.

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Oh, Baby. [they hug again]

Grandmother:
[getting up and hugging Susan] Susan, darling! Let me look at you. [to Maggie] She's EXACTLY ...

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
I know, I can't believe it.

[Maggie, Susan and Verbena enter the house]

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Oh, it was just wonderful!

Sharon McKendrick:
[coming down the stairs] Mother! Oh, I'm so glad you came! [Sharon and Maggie hug] Oh! You look wonderful! What'd you do to yourself?

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Do you like it?

Sharon McKendrick:
Oh, I love it!

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Oh darling! [Maggie hugs Sharon again] Oh! Finally! Both of you together at last. What do you think of each other?

Sharon McKendrick:
Fine.

Susan Evers:
We love each other!

Sharon McKendrick:
Hi, Sue.

Susan Evers:
Hi.

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
[Addressing Sharon] Oh and just look at you! That short hair.

Susan Evers:
I cut it, Mother.

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
You know, I like it.

Sharon McKendrick:
Oh, and I love yours, Mother.

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Where's your father?

Sharon McKendrick:
Oh, he's out somewhere on a horse.

Susan Evers:
[to Sharon] Are we in time?

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
[to Susan] Time?

Sharon McKendrick:
[to Susan] Didn't you tell her? [Susan shakes her head, no]

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Tell me what?

Susan Evers:
Well ...

Sharon McKendrick:
Dad's getting married.

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Well. When is all this taking place?

Verbena:
Saturday, supposedly. [Maggie looks away, anxiously]

Sharon McKendrick:
She just sort of infiltrated, Mother. And before you knew it, Dad was hooked.

Verbena:
If you ask me, Mr. Evers is slipping into his second childhood.

Margaret 'Maggie' McKendrick:
Oh your father is old enough to know what he's doing. Shall we go upstairs and get unpacked? I'm just dying to get into a hot shower after that long plane trip.

[Chatter as they all move up the stairs]